Gone

 Let me start with this....

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK

I had a CT scan scheduled for 9am on Friday morning, I had drunk a container of barium the night before and was staying away from social media to try and calm my growing list of fears, as I drank the second container.

I had been in my in doctors office on Thursday morning with The Barren 

because I was on the floor, folded over in pain. 

I had STAT bloodwork done, a STAT ultrasound done 

because they didn't know what was causing the pain. 

Things I feared were causing the pain

impending DEATH

ectopic pregnancy (even though I haven't bled since December of 2020)

infertility trauma has trained me well

bleeding ulcer

ruptured appendix

At the hospital, I was trying to calm myself while I waited for CT tech and I heard the receptionist say

 " did you hear? they overturned Roe V Wade"

(she mentioned it quite casually, like, hey I brought a sandwich from home for lunch today)

My mind begun to spin, I went totally numb.

As I laid on the CT bed, and the nurse tried MULTIPLE times to feed an IV into my arm I thought, what the hell is happening right now?!

The scan went on and I was syrup sweet to everyone because they have all lived through years of trauma treating stupid non mask wearing people.

I got dressed, took a selfie in the bathroom and made it back to my car to collapse into a puddle of tears.

I was too scared to move really...I felt lost under water and unable to see where the bubbles were going.

I texted The Barren that the test was done, and I was headed home.

There was road work and delays and as I sat in waiting lines, I screamed.

Screamed deep, guttural, primal screams.

I wanted the men in the work tractors outside my car to hear my rage

I wanted birds to fly off course

I wanted to be free 

I was terrified for the women suddenly stuck in line, suddenly without options suddenly trapped. I screamed in hopes to blast open walls, I screamed and screamed and screamed to empty my lungs of all air, I screamed until I thought I would pass out. 

Then the line of cars began to move and I sat silent in my car the remainder of the trip  like I had pulled all the air out of the space... until parking at home.

I had lost my voice; literally and physically.

My arm hurt, my throat hurt, I was scared to eat, I was scared to move.

I drank a glass of water and then I don't remember what I did....

I had visions of people shooting the justices (there is a new open carry law) in restaurants out of grief,  because their partners died unable to get an abortion for their ectopic pregnancy.

I went DARK DARK DARK and that scared me.

I got text messages from a couple friends, I sent a couple text messages telling friends I loved them.

I skipped out on a night out watching The Barren play music, and instead stayed home and cried.

The result of this has left the men in my life confused and feeling useless. I love them but I don't think they understand the depth this radiates in my sense of self.

I live in a state that has protected the right to abortions and is aiming to add it to our constitution:

"On Friday, Mr. Newsom signed a bill to shield California abortion providers from liability or prosecution related to out-of-state bans on abortions. He also announced an agreement with Gov. Kate Brown of Oregon and Gov. Jay Inslee of Washington to establish a West Coast abortion firewall that would protect providers and patients from the legal reach of other states.

Pending bills would authorize experienced nurse practitioners to perform first-trimester abortions without a physician’s supervision and create a state-administered fund to help underwrite travel expenses for the many women from abortion-ban states expected to come to California for an abortion."

THIS DOES NOT CHANGE MY RAGE

I made donations to abortion aid funds on Saturday and plan to sell some recent photographs as limited editions to raise more funds for Abortion help for people nationwide.

I did a series of self-portraits that I posted on social media and disturbed some friends with their rawness, I was not afraid to be raw, I feel stripped of something...it is a feeling that I can not really put words around, although I am trying here.

I seem to be explaining myself to a lot of men in my life, and hand holding to help them understand why I am acting the way I am. What I am doing is frustrating and I am trying to keep myself from lashing out at the wrong people for the right reasons. 

Has my place in society and my worth changed or shifted now...I know it has for many others over these years and it is painfully punctuated for women of color and trans people. 

What or how are you coping? The WHOLE world sees us and how super fucked up this country is.

I can't form any more thoughts right now...

I wish you strength for your conversations and peace for your quiet moments

Feeling, nothing more than feelings

 I have been feeling a lot.

There is so much going on in the world and around where I live and with the people I have in my life...

I am overwhelmed and have shifted to staring into the ether a lot these days.

We attended the "bans off our bodies" rally locally, I was proud that The Barren had ZERO hesitation about going, knew what he wanted his sign to say and was next to me the whole time while I was overstimulated by simply being outside in public.

There were about 600ish people there and we marched through the downtown corridor.

It seemed like the right thing to do, sitting at home was not what I wanted to reflect on when I thought of how I lived my life.

Ironically, one of The Barren and my first dates was a pro-choice rally nearly 30years ago!! 

I wanted to photograph the protestors and he said, I'll go with you. Then in the middle of it all, he walked up and tried to reason with one of the sign holders screaming how it was murdering babies.

I have a photo of that too

It feels like a Goliath task to try and change things...

every vote seems wrong, every law seems aligned to attack people.

I am scared, like seriously concerned that things have slid and now I am chasing the car as it drives out of sight  down the road. 

****

Our neighborhood is under the influence of a Chevron effort to secure more drilling and potentially pollute our water and Edison (power company) is set to put a new compressor station not even two miles away and put us into harms way from leaks and damaging noise.

Then there is the war against Ukraine and hunger and a million dead from Covid-19.

My parents seem to be rapidly aging before my eyes and my mother in law went out for a drink last week and when she got up in the middle of the night to get a drink passed out and split her head open and fractured a bone in her back....but she didn't tell us until she was home from the hospital.

*

EVERYTHING I have submitted this year I have been rejected from, which has really made me reassess my life and also our eldest niece has graduated high school and I feel a million years old.

My darling husband is so stressed he is considering quitting his job on a daily and I have learned to not react to that...as talking about it or working through alternatives seems to amplify things and makes him even more upset...and it doesn't help the situation for him. 

(I have mentioned again him getting some professional help to manage stress)

SOoooooooo 

I am having lots of feelings with no place to take them

We got boosted again (second boost) and I have been trying to go to the least congested yoga classes in studio with a KN95 mask on...I am the woman in the mask in the back of the room!!

I thought that maybe my mood would be boosted if I did some social yoga instead of impressing the cats with my bedroom yoga.

We are still out on the results on that one.

*

I also got The Barren to help me shift the garage around and cull many things we are feeling weighed down by...so the thrift store picked up a heavy load.

I gave my darkroom enlarger and assorted trinkets to a local guy who was setting up his first darkroom, my meditation teacher helped arrange that match. It was bittersweet when he drove away...I only cried a little. It seemed like a perfect example of time passing and aging.

I decided to focus on what I could do, and 

I signed up for some alternative process classes, using less toxic elements and I am looking forward to learning new things.

I am feeling time more these days than normal...I feel myself becoming another person. I am not sure who she is yet, but she is learning to navigate a lot of life on her own, weighing situations out. 

On the outside that mostly mostly looks like, watching and listening more....

I feel more like an adult, I never wanted to feel like a grownup, and suddenly here I am feeling just that.

Here is a photo of me doing what I love best. My friend produced this image.

We have not been able to visit as often as gasoline prices are between 6.50-7.00 dollars a gallon now and it has factored into my budget now.

I am looking forward to some good changes...there has got to be some good changes around the corner... right?!?

Sigh

no words

 There is no words

I am without a path to navigate this

This is just nightmare on top of nightmare, and then another nightmare.

I wrote about babies dying in school in 2012

HERE

I am not able to write about it again.

I am too overwhelmed and too shattered.

My youngest niece awoke at 3am this morning, feeling out of sorts.

Her mother did what she could to comfort her, then when she woke up for school later today, she proclaimed that she was "sad" and just wanted to be with her Omi (her grandmother)

so her mom called the school and said that my niece was taking a mental health day.

This child has not had two solid years of school yet...

she is just learning how to make friends and play with others.

I am like a string in the wind...totally untethered and lost searching for any connection at this point.

52 like a deck of cards

 

How my birthday weekend started.

I thought I had simply overate, but my stomach thought differently and proceeded to make the next 24hours living hell for me. It was when I started to vomit blood that The Barren started panicking.

(it was not a lot of blood according to the doctor, so the level of terror The Barren displayed was misdirected and I was not bleeding out)

He started screaming that we needed to go to the ER, I meanwhile was hunched over a toilet discarding whatever was below my toenails was unable to stand. 
YET I was still convinced I didn't need the ER, anything but a DOCTOR or an emergency room or any medical person for that matter... but we got to the ER and as soon as I walked into the door, I felt fine.

The Barren was shocked, I in turn was not. I was terrified of what lay before me and I think went into total trauma mode. We got in quick and of course the nurses were amazing, the doctor was confused why I was asking so many questions and asked if I was in the medical field...and I told him that I was familiar with pain, and emergency rooms and I was someone with stage 4 endo.

He offered pain meds and I refused. Then I sat there for a moment with the nurse and said, I should give my body the option to be comfortable, and not just sit with discomfort.*

* I later reflected on this concept of being uncomfortable and sitting with it and dismissing aides to medically make things better. I felt like my mother taught me to "buck up" and manage it alone, in solitude and you'll get past it, eventually. I am glad I recognized this while in the ER and able to make those elements dissipate.

So I got some light drug to mostly numb my stomach and all my blood tests were good so it was diagnosed as acute gastritis.

No spicy, oily food. No alcohol or caffeine.

Happy birthday!

I am on stomach drugs for two weeks and a bland diet.

The next day I was back to normal actives and when my birthday rolled around a couple days later I was my normal emotional self. I made myself some birthday cupcakes, and headed to the family home. I had loaded up my camera and I shot photos of my immediate family.

It was a relaxing quiet time, simple food and I had a bite of birthday cupcake.

okay, I ate a whole cupcake

Vanilla cake, lemon curd filling and topping.

The Barren had taken time off work so we could celebrate my birthday together....

but he neglected to make any plans, so after he berated himself for being bad at birthdays...I told him that we could freeform the days off.

I also had another epiphany:

When you are younger, you have elaborate birthday parties with friends and big Ta-dos, and as you age those sorts of moments become harder and harder. All we are trying to do is capture that same level of joy from childhood...recently when I thought about my birthday I cry. I realized that for me, it highlights my loneliness and lack of social circle. So birthdays have to become something else for me.

So I found a botanical garden, and took my cameras and photos and walked near trees and forgot all about my sadness, and about being lonely. I forgot about the ER and the pain, I just was away from it all with The Barren.

When the days off had past, I got a text from my bestie that she was coming into town for a hot 36hrs to pick up a HUGE plant from her mother and then was going back home. Then asked if I had an hour or so to hang out...I of course said yes and with The Barren in tow we met for a meal and a chat and it ended up being longer than an hour and it was like my birthday extended for another day. We took photos and she jumped back into her car and drove home 6+ hours away.

When I was with bestie, she mentioned that 52 was like a deck of cards....

I thought about that, mostly that I hadn't thought about a deck of cards being 52, but then how that relates to me. 52 options, some similar to others but each unique. 

I guess the theme of my newest circle around the sun is reframing.

I am reframing how I relate to myself, the world around me and others in my life. I mean what birthday would be complete without a little existential meandering, right?!

Which card will I pull for this week?

52 cards, 52 weeks in a year...

The Barren's birthday

 After weeks of planning, The Barren's birthday arrived and we drove to a town about two hours away. We stopped in the downtown area, ate some diner food (that later gave us both indigestion, because we are 50 years old) and then checked into a hotel that overlooked the sea.

Like was 20feet from the ocean

After taking three deep lung filling breaths of the ocean air The Barren turned around and fell onto the bed and took a multiple hour nap. 

I sat next to him, listening to the ocean and his snores.

After some time had past and I my level of boredom had peaked, I woke him up we walked to see the sunset on the private beach footsteps from our room...The Barren gathered stones for a hopeful future inlay project and I took photos. We then returned to the room to sleep some more.

We woke up in time to watch the sunrise from our private patio, listen to the sea birds awake from their nights slumber and begin search for food.

It was quiet, it was peaceful and it was prefect.

Here is a photo of me, in a tee, a sweatshirt and a thin puffer jacket 

(because that is how you dress when it is cold here on the west coast)

on our sunset walk before falling back to sleep.

It was a moment in time where nothing was wrong, 

we were adulting like real adults 

and the world was quiet so The Barren could turn 50.

This new year

 It has been a little bit since I've checked in here, 

Well, I check every couple of days and read your blogs, 

but it has been a little bit since I have sat down to write something.

So hello and happy new year

I never got our holiday cards made, and I even missed the chance to make them New Year cards, and now they can not be Valentine cards...so I need to let that rope loose.

I was sitting in my bathroom, after sneezing repeatedly from my nasal swipe home test, looking at this tiny piece of plastic....wondering what will the answer be?!

Anyone else been triggered by this act of home testing?

I was surprised at how quickly this became a flashback to days of yore.

I sat there for 15 minutes waiting, wondering and hoping for a negative so I could visit a friend who had tested that same morning and was also negative.

This is the new weekly normal it seems,

We test ourselves before visiting and then can hug and laugh and share a picnic.

I have been struggling to find a new normal for myself. 

A new studio practice, a new routine, a new self. It has come to my attention, that home chores are now a predominate part of my week. I sit in my workspace daily: often distracted/interrupted with making meals, doing laundry, being a cat entertainer and my anxiety from not making new artwork.

So I have taken to visiting with a friend weekly. I take my camera and shoot film and laugh and try and find a new moment of clarity and less guilt.

The Barren is home during this time, working and stressing and I am off playing with a friend.

It has me feeling conflicted, but The Barren assures me that he wants me to find this time to be creative.

I come home from these visits and either bring home food or immediately hit the ground running to make a meal when I walk in the door, as I am wanting to counterbalance these feelings...

I don't like that I feel this way...

I don't make much money anymore and The Barren is carrying the load. Once again he assures me that he wants me to have space and time to make art, as he feels that is my true calling.

I adore him more than words can describe for this vote of confidence.

I sold almost nothing last year (I just did our taxes) I made $148 from the sale of 3 packs of cards and two prints. So I am clearly not the next breadwinner in this house.

So in exchange I do all the housework, food shopping, laundry, dishes, cooking and dishes.

While still trying to make art, and check into my remote job (it is pretty quiet this time of year)

so that is what I have been doing.

The Barren turns 50 next week, he is feeling low and super stressed. (compounding my guilt)

I booked us an overnight at a hotel in a town about two hours from here. It is supposed to have ocean views and a balcony to watch said ocean.

An overnight means the cats can be left alone without needing a check-in from a third person.

I also sent an email out to everyone I could think of to send birthday wishes so I could put them into one book for him and he could see how special he is to so many people.

They are trickling in slowly, and that has raised my anxiety a little...but I am trying to let it swing in the wind. He will have wishes from a few for sure and I have a crafting project to make.

His best buddy has three concerts for them to attend in the next week. The Barren has been pretty isolated and hunkered down here at home in preparation (really it is social anxiety, and Covid fears)

for the last month! So that has added to his feelings I am sure...

But tomorrow he starts to break free and attend events outside the house.

We have a stack of home tests, and are crazy careful and cautious about masking around people.

So far, it has served us well, as neither of us has gotten the virus.

WHICH IS THE GOAL STILL

On another front:

I reached a milestone, well a touchstone? or a life marker?

I have not had a period in over a year now! 

I am in a whole new land.

I had a follow-up ultrasound to make sure that the polyp, that the GYN gave me while trying to take an endocervical pap was gone, and thankfully it was. All seemed calm on the cervical/uterine front ⭐

So here I am, avoiding going back to the gyn to try again for that same pap.

This new year has been trying and my gosh we are only just finishing up the second month.

I am feeling lonely, but as mentioned I continue to make real efforts to find a social feature outside my home once a week...and I am still doing online art discussion class, and yoga practice (at home) and meditation group (4 people in a HUGE multipurpose room with masks) but the overall feeling is still very isolated and alone. Like a thirst that is unable to be quenched.

Is anyone else feeling this too?

Okay, I am babbling again.

Happy newish year...I'll be back sooner to reflect on some thing or another.

Another Year Ends

Merry Hanukah, Bright Solstice, Happy Christmas, Festive Kwanza

Art by: https://wolfskulljack.com/

Another year comes to an end...I have come back here multiple times to write about feeling, fears, hopes and sorrow. Many times simply staring at the blinking cursor. Other times spilling words easily onto this magic writing pad. All the times, knowing that there would be no judgement in what I came up with, mumbled about or struggled with.

I can not thank you all enough for that.

I feel like I am safe in this space, with expressing myself.

WHAT A GIFT THAT IS!!

I hope that whomever is reading this, feels the same, even for just a moment in time, as that can build to 5 minutes, than a half hour then a month, and a year.

You are magical and unique and so worth fighting for!

Happy of any holiday you acknowledge.

look at you shining so brightly

*

My Cervix

****candid- real talk about exams****

 It is that time of year again...check under the hood and see how things are.

Like years prior I tried to make all the appointments in a week, so I could get them all done and then be done for a year...but that circles thing is still haunting me. I had my general checkup/in and to say that my primary wasn't happy with my answer to her : Are you happy? question is kind of an understatement. What did she really expect...I mean I think all of us have been run the fuck over these last two years. My response of "mediocre" was not received well and she offered no other options other than noting that she wanted me to take care of myself?! WTF

I was cleared and told that my cervix was too closed to do a proper pap and that I needed to have ANOTHER one done by the GYN department....as well as a stack of other orders for mammos and ultrasounds and follow-up bloodwork.

Meanwhile the gastro doctor needed me to REPEAT all the samples I had done two months ago because the lab didn't culture them all.

I went for my pap redo yesterday and aside from a single extremely pregnant woman in the waiting room, the other ladies in waiting all seemed unfazed and not pregnant.

I decided to have the NP that did my endo biopsy do this retry and she tried...and then asked for more things to try and do it. I was laying there flayed open with a speculum in place for longer that most of us would like, she proclaimed that more things were needed and rang for another woman in the office to fetch other devices to try and open my cervix enough to get cervical cells....after what felt like an entire construction site worth of devices she said she was not able to open the cervix enough.

She prescribed an estrogen suppository for me to take for a couple months in hope that would soften my cervix enough to take a proper pap. So she wants to try again in February. 

I felt defeated, and disappointed and after I got dressed, it also felt like I had been punched in my vagina. I have had some mild cramping too...but I am guessing that was from the clamp they put on my cervix while trying to get a cervical dilatator into me.

Today was my pelvic ultrasound...it was obvious when the ultrasound tech started to place the probe that there was a tissue tear in my vaginal wall from yesterday and then she said she could see where the NP tried to get into my cervix...in fact she said to expect spotting in the next couple of days as things looked poked. She told me that my ovaries are starting to get smaller too. I was thankful for the heads up and the repeated checking-in on me to see if I was alright and not uncomfortable. 

I left the appointment and sat in my car for a little cry, my vulva throbbing and aching.

It was a lot of things to process.

I am cooking tonight, feeling like I need to control something today...anything for that matter.

I was suppose to do a family photo shoot, but the family postponed and I am kind of grateful. It means I have some time to work through some feelings about this whole couple of days. I think I am going to soak in a tub tonight too, ideally it will help start some healing.

I know that a lot of my feelings are surfacing from my IF days, when I had most of the people from my county in my vagina, looking around and giving opinions. I can put on a mask, swallow pain, discomfort and make little jokes to deflect real feelings...but I am not so okay with doing that anymore. I am tired. I am tired of feeling like I am broken or unwell. This entrance into menopause is like taking a dive into a dark deep pool and no one tells you what the water temp is, what is in the pool or if you will sink or swim....because each of us sees that pool differently and so why tell you anything.

It has been a rough start to the week, I still have a breast ultrasound, and a follow-up with the gastro doc (who will be wondering why I am not sicker)

I am not wanting to complain, but really wonder if this is what to expect from here on out. Does anyone else have this experience? closed cervix with the onset of menopause, having to do paps over and over? How are you handling the beginnings of menopause, or perimenopause? 

Any advice or tips would be of great enlightenment.

Circles

 Circles, they are beautiful and never-ending...

Soap bubbles are shaped in circles (mostly, well when you think of them...now that I think of them, they are a myriad of shapes and this metaphor might not work now...)

Okay, I feel like I have been walking in circles...I have been spending time trying to assist my parents with tasks and plans. Do things for hubby while he works a crazy schedule and do things for my work. I find that there is not a lot of time left for me to sort things out about what I need...plus now we have three cats and the lions share of the responsibilities fall on me now too. 

So when I have time to myself I walk in circles...

Last week was filled with circles- I spent time, money and energy sending artwork and documents to a gallery that was finally having a grand opening and is supposed to be representing (for the last year) me only to not see any of that work shown in the opening reception or online media. I was mortified. That took some time to filter through my mind and just understand some things are not going to work out as you had been lead to believe.

Hubby is away for a week with a friend...he has turned off all access to work and is just "playing" for the next 5 days. I am thrilled for him. Frankly, I think this came at the perfect time, as he is mentally shot and this is just what he needs! I had planned to fill my days with just studio time, not needing to take breaks for meal prep or home tasks.

Then another circle appeared. 

I left the cats for the first time alone for an extended time. It ended up being 7 hours by the time I got home and although I had imagined everything upended, it appears that they slept most of the time.

After volunteering, I picked up some food for the parents and headed to take them for an appointment at the local body piercer. Yep, didn't expect that did ya?! My mother requested for her birthday,  that she get her ears redone, as her holes had closed up and she wants to wear earrings again....so I booked the an appointment. My father wanting not to be left out, had his old piercing done again too. 

The piercer was wonderful and kind and took his time with both of them and I am thrilled to have NO concerns that there will be any complications. He is located in a local tattoo shop and that made my father uncomfortable. While waiting for my mother, my father thanked me repeatedly for not getting any tattoos. He thinks they are horrible...he is very driven by looks, and feels that they look trashy.

 I explained to him how I see them. As humans we decorate ourselves in all sorts of different ways, we collect things, color/cut our hair, pierce our ears, do what makes us happy and hold memories near. I compared tattoos to collecting artwork, if there is a moment you want to remember and hold with you always, why not have it be part of you...collecting images that remind you of that or words that helped your through a hard or joyful time.

I think he understood it differently. His thinking is quite cloudy now, his pain/nerve medicines have made him really have to work to see things clearly and that is often something he doesn't really have energy for. Walking has also become a roulette wheel of if he will loose his balance or not and he refuses to use a cane or sit in a chair when watering the lawn...because of HOW IT LOOKS.

He is currently obsessed with getting a government card that proves he served in the military. I offered to submit the needed documents online to expedite the process so that he didn't have to drive (be driven) up and down the coast to government offices. I gathered all the documents and created all the accounts and today I thought I just needed to put the final pieces into place. After spending hours setting up some other kind of online account to access stuff, the government site says it is not issuing the cards. No reason was given...I researched further and found out that they paused the program last year! it is nowhere on the site. It was a big disappointment and it took multiple days of time, reading documents to and from my father, teaching him which emails are advertisements and which are actual information. He gave his social security number to a person over the phone recently and I just about had an aneurism (my brother thankfully unraveled that mess)  

I felt like I had spun in circles 

I was able to make appointments for them to get a booster shot. It was a whole thing again, as they wanted to know if it was safe and why they needed it. I needed to physically drop off a hard copy of the appointment confirmation because they don't use their phones for apps and don't have a printer for that sort of thing.

There has been a lot of things that interrupt my plans and cause me to run off the rails of focus.

Has anyone else experienced this ruddy transition lately?

It overwhelms me so easily these days...I find it hard to do anything before or after it...as all my thoughts are focused on the task for that day!  It is freaking me out.

I use to be able to do laundry lists of tasks in hours, weekends were full of tasks done and things completed...now I am lucky if I change clothes and do laundry!

So this weekend has started slowly and not as I had planned, but TOMORROW I will do artwork! I am up late in hopes to check off all things that are distracting me and I can wake to a clean slate, prepared paper and a rolled out yoga mat to start the day!

I hope you are all navigating this strange time in the world with grace and a little less apathy.

It is a struggle for sure.

**it took multiple hours to get this post done, as I kept getting called away for kitten crashing sounds, emails, texts and dishes***

Breathe from your chest

 I did a grown up thing and got my colonoscopy done. It was alright and I made sure to tell EVERYONE about my stage 4 endo and where it was attached to my bowel. 

The doctor took biopsies and removed a couple polyps and said I can't take any NSAID's for two weeks. I've only had one optical migraine and I breathed my way through it.

I am thrilled to be on this side of the exam. 

It was taking up soooooooooo much space in my head and conscience. 

When checking in the nurse noticed I was quiet and still and she asked if it was my first time, after saying yes...she asked what I was most worried about...and I told her I had white coat, she asked from what...and I told her a decade of infertility. 

HER WHOLE BODY LANGUAGE changed and she was soothing and said she was so very sorry and placed my IV on the first try...and it didn't even bruise!!

When it was my turn, the doctor was nice, the nurse that gave me the drugs was kind and I asked if she would hold my hand, and she did until she had to administer the drugs...I was in a twilight sleep and was told to breathe from my chest, it made me think of yoga and I did as suggested. I have spots of memories of the procedure and then I was done. I went back to the bay, was helped to get dressed, walked out to The Barren and taken home, where the Barren had made me some vegan scrambled egg and rice and a glass of water.

Then I went to bed to sleep off the drugs and fart.

They found things in my colon. Fucking nothing surprises me anymore. It was clarified that nothing was cancer and no endo had penetrated the colon wall but, there is a possible immune disease. They won't really know for sure until I do some blood work and stool samples...whatever.

I seriously don't have enough energy to be concerned or worried about stuff. This last year and a half have stripped me of so much...clearly this is another thing.

I go in for another in 7 years or something like that. In the meantime, I have a new doctor trying to figure out my unique body.

On the flip side, we finally brought the cats home. 

We spent a week with them before telling anyone we brought them home. It made a good difference. They have all their shots, are neutered and spayed and are learning how to be housecats. 

Here are the three that now live with us:

Zahra- the kitty that started it all 💗

She is about a year old

Umber- this boy loves his mommy and naps

12weeks old

Kugel- the littlest of the litter and Parkour expert 

12 weeks old

The energy is totally different and as much as they are getting used to being housecats, we are re-learning what it is like to have young cats again.

It has been well over a decade since that was the case.

They change everyday, and hide less and are curious about more.

Soon we hope one will want to be a lap cat, nap buddy, and snuggle.

I can feel my heartbreak from the loss of our boys, becoming less, but their familiar natures are hard to unlearn. Having young cats and not old man cats, where you are used to having something wrong weekly, is an adjustment.

My breathing practice has helped stay calm when I hear a bang from another room, breathing has helped keep my concerns at bay...and breathing has helped me sit for an hour just to move a string back and forth so that I can pet them a little longer each time.

Breathing helps.

My breath is my strength

Fire and Death

 I have been wanting to write, 

but I am finding it hard to find a thread of ideas to share...or rant about.

Then I realized so much time has passed since my last post....

so here I am.

************

This post includes a lot of talk about death

************

I have been floating on the surface of life...or sitting deeply in it. I seem to find myself falling deeply into the nuances of the day or shielding myself from them. My yoga studio has stopped conducting classes outside and so we are back inside a studio. I so far am only going to meditation classes in the studio....despite my assurances of safer practices I am still struggling to go back to heated full classes. Instead I practice at home on those days with pre-recorded videos.

A full class use to be, a class of 42 people closed into a room and flowing and sweating and exhaling. Now a full class is 35 in heated classes and 25 in un-heated classes (meditation)

I have attended two heated classes in the studio to check how I feel about it.  I wore a disposable mask all through class, not touching it while sweating my way through the asanas. In one class a guy had a full sweat suit on and I later found out he was training for an MMA match. I am the only one in class that wears a mask: often the only one in the studio, outside doing errands, grocery shopping, farmers market...driving. I am still quite frightened of dying from a virus I am TOTALLY protected from. Even knowing that the vaccine is good against the variants has not dissipated enough of my fear to go mask-less. I have reached out to a physician friend to ask about returning to the hot studio and he said wear a disposable mask, but the chances of me getting virus are reduced as I am vaccinated and if I do get it, it will not be deadly.

With all this "reassurance" I am still hesitant. I believe in science and am currently living a life science forward...but, maybe I just have gotten so comfortable being cautious. A sick new way to control things in my life that are totally uncontrollably random. I am thankful that the people I interact with are both vaccinated and gentle with my feelings about my virus fear/comfort. I would liken it to a monster in your bedroom closet as a kid and your parent comes in, turns on the light, opens the door and shows you that indeed there is nothing to be frightened of. Then they turn around and leave. You are still in that room and that bed staring at the door you heard growling from...and are still trying to process the fear.

My meditation group, about 7 of us, that were super regular at the parks, sitting silently behind masks, in 40 degree mornings or windy hot days...while squirrels rained pinecone down on my head or crows screamed the whole time...anyway one of the members arranged a "closing ceremony" to line up with the Summer Solstice.

We had a fire ceremony

We all gathered and meditated on the fire and what we wanted to let go of. It is always eye opening to hear what other people are thinking...especially people you've shared almost a year with in silence.

Most wanted to let go of worries and family judgements....personal judgements and I sent the judgements of others to the flames.

I have held that hope in the front of my mind since then.

(I wore a sun dress with no bra as an act of this resistance, had bedhead hair at the market and coffeeshop. I am working my way up it seems)

***************

This weekend was a "titty twister" of sorts

I got an email at 7am from a longtime friend (old boyfriend) that his mother passed away. I was in total shock! I have know this woman for 30+ years and even worked with her many moons ago.

She used to gift me photo paper in my super lean days. (I was dating her son then) 

Super sweet woman, last I spoke with her was last year when we exchanged emails so I could mail her handmade masks...It was a real surprise; I knew my friend was going to be super fragile and so I have been checking in on him. On that same day, his longtime (20+year) girlfriend's father was rushed to the ER for a stroke. My brother in law was headed into surgery for lung cancer and when I called my parents to let them know about the death, my mom interrupted me to let me know that they were on the way to the walk in clinic for my father who was having a reaction to a bee sting.

I don't remember doing much other than visiting the cats and coming home.

It was a lot to process.

Does anyone else's life bundle like that? I seem to have days where the space time continuum layer like this...folding one thing on top of the other into a shit sandwich.

Just a few days before I had learned of anther friends parent dying; another person I had know for a long time. She did the flowers for our wedding almost 19years ago.

Is it that time in our lives now...I am SOOOOO not ready for that. I guess we are never really ready to say goodbye to people...but it sux

Today is the anniversary of my grandfathers death. He passed away in 1990. I was sleeping in the bed next to his at the care facility the night he died. In my  twilight sleep I saw him walk down the hall with a friend who was already dead, he waved at me and when I woke up he took one of his last breaths. He had lived/suffered with ALS for too long and it was hard to watch at the end. It took his speech and his mobility and his dignity. I lost my job the next day, as I missed an impromptu company meeting. It was okay, I was being sexually harassed by the owner of the store and it was an easy reason to fire me.

(boy that was a loaded sentence)

Anyway, my grandfather has visited me the least of my deceased grandparents. I can count the times on one hand. I guess we were alright and all that needed to be said was said. I adored him and think about him often...but I must admit as time passes, it is harder to hear his voice or remember specifics about his mannerisms anymore.

Maybe that is what this virus has done...

This virus has made death so much more in the forefront, and common. There are still people in this town that refuse to get the vaccine, and they are  clearly okay being 99% of the deaths from this virus now. Totally preventable. Historically, as the world was growing and changing, death was part of everyday life. People painted it both boldly and symbolically. Memento Mori was everywhere as people were dying so often.

Have we entered a Memento Mori time? We have been so used to a long healthy life now and suddenly as the world all fell to this insane virus, it has become a daily reminder once again.

Building fall, bombs explode, people run into schools with guns, cars crash, people kill each other for shoes or skin color or food.

it is often too much for me to process and I must admit I feel like I need to be an ostrich and run away and hide. I can not bare much more on my nerves and heart.

I guess I can thank my infertility for dulling a lot of my nerves, making me not respond emotionally to horrible things. It takes days, sometimes weeks to actually feel something.

I am trying to return to a "normal" self, but I think I am changed...so massively changed.

In-laws and outlaws

Tuesday of last week, marked two weeks since my second vaccine dose and meant I was fully vaccinated.

Over a month ago, I made an appointment for my first haircut since August 2019...I am not normally a hair person, but my hair was making me feel older and it was chaotic, something I normally embrace, but a haircut made me feel a little pretty and I was ready to honor that need. I tipped my hairstylist 100% because he is awesome and I wanted to celebrate him and his new downsized business. I have gotten my hair cut by him for 20+ years!

I then went to the dentist, and it ended up being far less stressful than I thought it was going to be...apparently all dentists are booked solid, so I was glad I made that appointment too.

And because I was now fully covered, we made a spur of the moment choice and visited The Barren's father, as he is immune compromised we both needed to be covered. This meant a road-trip and a day long drive. It was great to see him and hug him and spend even a little bit of time with him.

He is married to a woman who has very very high levels of need. She controls most situations by delays, she has a hard time transitioning from one task to another and is chronically late. Now my father in law is all engulfed by it as well and so they get lost from time lines for weeks. The Barren texted his father asking if they would be home this past weekend and he said yes, and then we booked a hotel and told him we were coming to visit, after hearing it, FIL changed days that he would be available (they are getting their floors done) and we added another day to the hotel and said great see you then. The Barren told his father he wanted to visit a music shop with him and that they would only be open a few hours after we arrived so we would pick him up to make the timeline...When we arrived it was a fairly swift transition, as his wife was staying behind to walk the dog.

We ordered food before returning home with pizza for us four and on arriving, his wife spent another hour+ doing who knows what and delaying dinner (she did put the pizza into the oven while she did something else while we all waited) the oven turned our pizzas into crackers. DH and I sat waiting at folding tray tables waiting for her to begin dinner....

The following day we went over after breakfast so The Barren and his father could play music for a bit which is all The Barren wanted to do to connect with his father. 💓(his dad doesn't call often and is even harder to get a call back from these days) While the guys played music I sat listening to his wife talk about things, and try to not take any bait:

What do you think about what is happening in Israel? What about this other political situation, I mean how can they eat cows...why would you not want to get the vaccine, I don't think your reactions were what you think, I hear people are waiting longer to have kids...

At that the Barren chimed in and said, "yeah we are still waiting"

Then she suggested we go to a music festival at a local winery, we jumped at the opportunity to go and we all gathered our things to go, then we waited...she took another hour to get ready to head out the door. I had squirreled some snacks in our car, thankfully. They get so wrapped up in tasks she doesn't really eat regularly and I am a woman who likes to snack all day long! So I was hungry...they brought their dog too, who is a rescue that has serious anxiety issues and can not be left alone. So she was panic panting the whole time and it was really hard to witness, I also was having a hard time being around sooooooooo many people kind of wearing masks. 

This is when I began to get " sparkles" my optical migraine trigger and whispered to The Barren about it, but my MIL heard and stopped taking photos of children dancing to ask if I wanted an aspirin (which was nice) I tried really hard to down play it, but it was the perfect out of a stressful, situation and so we scapegoated me and left early. As we said goodbye to my FIL,I got a photo of DH and FIL and it was lovely and bittersweet. 

The Barren drove us into town while I fought a freight train of a migraine and a panic attack. We got dinner, as we were famished and I did some conscience breathing exercises while I waited for the migraine drugs to kick in. MIL texted and we pretended that we were already back at the hotel and I was sleeping, when were were actually secretly eating and then going to the hotel to sleep. MIL offered to bring us leftover cracker pizza and we thanked her for the beautiful gesture but we were fine.

The next morning we left for another full day of driving back homeward.

Sigh

On the way home we made an effort to stop and see things we never had, after all, this was the closest to a vaca we'd taken in multiple years! It was another exhausting day and when we rolled into a town only a couple hours from home, we booked a pricey room at the hotel my art is in...TOTAL splurge!

It was super cool to see it in person after all this time.

The hotel was delayed in opening, and when it had a soft opening in Dec 2019 I wasn't able to make it, then 2020 closed the hotel and then opened it and then closed it and now it is open again. So we went to see the work finally installed.

When we checked in, I gleefully told the reception person that I was the artist that made the lobby's artwork...they looked up and said "oh" and then looked back at the computer.

Trying to not let them dull my sparkle, I asked if people ask about the art on the walls, the reception person said " not really" their apathy was enough and I walked back over to the art and quietly had my own party in my head.

We drove home the next morning, after I had taken as many photos as I could think of taking.

It was a 2021 kind of vaca-we walked into our door, dropped our dirty laundry into the basket, I walked into the kitchen and began making dinner. It was gone...all of it was done and we were back to Homeostasis.

Since returning, I have gone to see our "girl" and her babies, attended my online art lecture and today after consulting a physician friend, I went to the final class of a favorite teacher, and returned to my first in studio hot yoga class since March 2020. (strangely emotional)

I wore my mask the whole time, the only one doing that. I got a spot closest to the door, right next to one of the three air scrubbers that run during the class and got a sweat on and left afterwards. Passing a studio full of unmasked people. Vaccination proof is honor system, so I took extra actions.

Things are trying to get back to what they were, but it will never be the same again. And it seems that as hard as people try, it seems more and more offset.

Hot Flash or Fever

I turned 51 on the 25th. I had another Covid birthday...it was quiet and I was glad my parents were healthy and fully vaccinated. I got my first hug from my parents in over a year...it was emotional, I got a drawing from my youngest niece. It is a drawing of me and The Barren looking at each other and when you place the two drawings side by side (like a friendship necklace) it forms one heart. 

I framed it when I got home. I have made my birthday cakes since going vegan because (I am protecting people) I didn't want to impose on others to make a special ingredient cake for me. 

The gathering was outside in the backyard and my mother made me a 14pound "cake" made out of watermelon and other fruit because she wanted me to be able to eat the whole thing. 

It made my heart explode...

And try as I might, I couldn't eat all the watermelon in time and ended up juicing it.

I dressed for the day again...blue polka dot peter pan collared dress

White basketball shoes and hairy legs. 

Last Tuesday, I got my second Dolly dose and waited until getting home to cry. I was overwhelmed, I was emotional, I was so thankful. I had seen a photograph earlier that week of a woman in India, visibly scared with an oxygen mask on her face while other women surrounded her and gazed at that mask. 

I looked at that image for a long long time. I felt their fear and their exhaustion...

I was lucky enough to get the vaccine, I was healthy...I was not going to die from this disease.

There are still STUPID people berating others for believing science, and their vaccine dose waits...

meanwhile others die from never having the opportunity.

It is a lot to digest...

Later that night, I started to play: " hot flash or fever"

My 30+hour fever started the night of the injection and by the morning, I felt every side effect from the paperwork list. Plus I got a "covid arm" from the vaccine. 

I thought everyone got a red swollen bump from shots...apparently not

I am at day 7 now, and it is almost not visible.

***

Then we roll into Mothers Day here in the US.

We have been on a waitlist with the recue group we adopted our cats from since November 2020

(right after we said goodbye to Xander)

After my second dose, we were invited to see 50 available kittens!

We went and spent 3hours meeting all of them... and hearing stories of how each of the in house mama cats had given birth there and the complications that some had encountered.

The kittens were all perfect and beautiful, the mama cats were enchanting and sweet and social.

The Barren kept going back to one enclosure and sitting with a teenage kitty.

I was sitting in the enclosure next to him and witnessed him falling in love.

The kitty walked into his lap, and fell asleep.

She looked at him the way our Theo used to look at him, 

it was so beautiful to see love transcend time and galaxies...it was his cat!!

I began to weep...it was such a powerful thing to witness!

When I entered the enclosure, I sat and she watched me. I leaned forward and asked her if she wanted to live with us....she walked over to me and got into my lap. 

She had selected her people.

We were offered the opportunity to foster her and have her give birth in our home!

We both went pale and said we were not emotionally stable enough if something was to happen.

After all she had just told us stories about the complications some of the mama cats had.

Our girl is YOUNG and SMALL and that scares us.

But of course, my IF talk came back into play and I began second guessing our choices...

Should we have her here now

Should be just "buckle up and grow some nerves"

should we...

what if we...

So for the record...

****

We didn't find a kitten, or even two...

we are adopting a pregnant teenage cat,

and when she gives birth, we will adopt one or more of her babies too...

The irony of the situation was not lost on me.

We left after telling the Rescue leader and I have signed up for volunteer hours 

(so I can visit her as she progresses to birth)

We are in our early 50's, 

we are adopting a teenager who is pregnant 

and will raise one or more of her babies too.

We are about three months away from having a kitty in our home again.

I am anxiously trying to get everything ready for them

Nesting?!

SERIOUSLY!!

When we got home Saturday night, I felt numb.

I half filled a tub and sat in it and began to wail...

Deep heaving crying...missing my kitty cats...wanting a connection like The Barren had gotten.

Fearful that it was all falling away from me.

I was like a woman possessed, I was wailing and talking to myself in whispers.

The Barren came in to find my in quite a bathtubbed state.

Crying, wailing, laughing whispering...like two people were having active conversations in my tub...

I sipped some water and The Barren sat to soothe me back into one mindbody.

I think that was all leftover from my sorrow...

I was so thankful that The Barren knew how to let it happen, and gave me space and no judgement.

I was mourning, and he recognized it.

Even in that moment-it was a reminder that my sorrow is deep, it travels across time, manifests in numbness, smiles and laughter. As I stepped out of the tub, intoxicated from the emotional ride I had just taken...I have learned to respect the space it needs from me, but not let it take over.

New stress different day

1st shot done!

Yes, I dressed for the event

I have spent the last two and a half weeks helping The Barren with his reaction to the first dose of the vaccine. The Barren gets an asthma response when he gets a chest cold, which is why we locked down so hard and for so long...well The Barren got his fist dose of the vaccine and 36hours later began to wheeze, it has spiraled since and he is currently on an inhaler, allergy medications and antibiotics to fight what is believed to be the beginning of pneumonia. 

(all these things have happened in the past when he has gotten chest colds, too many weekend walk in clinic experiences to count)

Yesterday he was wheezing so badly that we went to a walk in clinic because the wait to see his doctor was two weeks... he had to be seen in an outside room because it all looks like Covid-19 and we don't need to freak people out.

We live in a funky part of town, so while waiting in our outside room, we got to witness a near beatdown between two guys who had "looked at each other too long" and wanted to knock/knife the daylights out of each other. thankfully that didn't manifest.

The doctor yesterday explained that an anaphylaxis response is not uncommon for people with asthma and that his body probably reacted big to the first round and sent it all spinning.

Steroids were added to the menu of pills and the hope is that he will get breathing better in time for the second dose...which has been booked at a four week mark instead of the 3week mark.

The Barren is breathing better so far, thank goodness.

As you can imagine, the upcoming shot has us both on edge and wanting to be battle ready!

This morning I got my first dose of the vaccine, I got the Dolly Parton one.

Now all her songs are stuck in my head.

I dressed up for the shot, wearing a dress I wore the last time we went out in 2020. I also firmly believe that nothing can go wrong if you are wearing a purple piece of clothing. I use to have a pair of grape purple pants, I wore when I wanted to feel assured and strong. So I wore a grape purple dress and bright green sweater this morning...I felt present and brave.

The vaccine site looked like a set from M*A*S*H as it was an office building under renovations, so it was covered in plastic sheeting, bare cement floors and drywall partitions with folding chairs.

It was surreal to say the least.

Got my shot and appointment for the second dose.

I took my photo and then tried to not cry.

I have already taken a nap and I am famished.

I should be fully covered by my fathers birthday and I can finally hug them!!

Something I think is pretty emotional.

Parents are currently fully vaccinated and that has me breathing easier for them and realizing that my relationship has shifted once again.

I had gotten a call last week that my mother went to the clinic because her eye was BLEEDING! and she only went because my brother said it would be a good idea.

She hesitated and when my father sent a photo of her eye I nearly collapsed. I told my mother that she could loose vision and that she should really get an opinion other than her own...she blew me off and at that moment I pondered:

Were my parents always so defiant?

Was it time to step in or was it really time to step back?

I chose to step back.

My mother went to see an eye doctor the following day and they confirmed that nothing was damaged or injured (thank goddess) and that was that.

I waited for them to call me

my step back meant I was not going to call them anymore (at least I was going to try) 

and when they wanted to talk to me I would answer that call and do my best to not stir the pot.

It took three days for them to call me.

(Prior to the virus I spoke to my parents at least twice a day, now it is once every few days.)

This is a BIG adjustment for me; as I see them wanting to chat as acceptance and love. So when it is sluggish it means they are not thinking of me or love me.

It is sick, and insecurity is running the show but, a reality I am working with.

The reality of not being quarantined is a scary one, being around more than two people is scary.

The yoga studio sent out a poll asking if a pre-covid level class filled with fully vaccinated people was something of interest....

I made an appointment to get my hair cut after I am fully vaccinated, I have not been able to get it cut since August of 2019.

Then today the State announced that it plans to be fully open by June!

That scares me too...I am scared of people now it seems.

I am scared that life will mow this all over and forget about what is possible, 

I am scared that things will slingshot back to business as usual...and forget all that is important.

I am scared more often than I am confident.

I need to work on that too...

but, the idea of a thrift store visit is really exciting too and there are people there?!