After Party

Niece is healed

I am thankful that she can do things like lay on her stomach and exercise again.

yeah science!

My birthday came and went

birthday outfit

I started the day with yoga...

turns out, the one person I chat with in morning classes is a birthday twin!

Never in my life have I known someone else who shares my birthday!

( I will call it mine even though it is hers too)

CRAZY

I had breakfast chessecake bars with my parents, 

along with an awkward but nice visit.

The Barren sent flowers to me, 

he hasn't done that in years!

and then I was alone...

I wondered what to do.

I bought myself some lunch out

I went to a thrift store

and then came home again still not sure what to do with myself.

I ended the night with some couch time with the cat and then off to bed.

I think I need to plan my birthday activities far better for next year.

I am left with a feeling of disappointment in myself.

The Barren returned and will be leaving again Sunday for another week away....

I am excited about what he will be able to do while away...but I miss him terribly.

I have yet to get my period too...

seems I am already all over the board with my cycles.

I took a pregnancy test yesterday...

just to cross that off my worry list.

Now it is a worry...before it would not have been,

TRANSITIONAL THINKING anyone??

The Barren asked if it felt weird peeing on a stick again...

I said it wasn't too weird except I could hear my heart beating in my ears.

The not bleeding thing is wild, and quite a convenient feature in my day.

I am apocalypse level loaded up on tampons and pads... and if things continue like this, 

I will make them into small grab bags for homeless women I encounter.

I was chatting with a yoga teacher before class the other day and she asked how I was feeling post birthday...she is a true star gazer and always keeps me in the loop about astro changes and how they are linked with mood and life...and I explained aside from the normal existential thoughts around your birthday it feels like something in percolating.

I eagerly await this wonderful new event!

I am done with negative shit

Aligned

It is gonna be quite a week!

Today my niece (15yrs old) is having a 10cm cyst **removed from her left ovary

The same surgery I had

the same ovary

27years earlier

The doctor assured her parents that she would also look for endo

She has no questions, but like many teens is only concerned about needles.

She is set to have the operation about 3 hours from now.

I gave my brother tips that helped me make the experience more comfortable....

most of my suggestions have fallen outside the wall he and my sister in law have constructed.

My father asked me a couple questions through gritted teeth the night he and my mother found out...

He is angry about it.

I think it is safe to say we all are concerned 

I am hopeful that she will be better after the surgery than her current state.

The cyst can be seen bulging from her tummy when she lays down.

I am thankful that they are checking for endo 

and that ideally will find nothing or able to remove what is found.

I am at the studio and home today. 

I was told there was no reason for me to be there today.

(I'll be at the door to the wall, with pear juice, some magazines and GasX in hand tomorrow)

*********************

The Barren is traveling for work this week

He is thousands of miles away.

I didn't get the morning call and TOTALLY had a massive panic attack

He finally called a half hour later, and when I heard his voice I tumbled into a puddle

unable to hide my concern and fears.

He apologized repeatedly 

Why the concern? He had a coworker/friend die on a work trip 

So since then I have been pretty terrified 

He travels again the first week of May

**********************

I am due to get my first real period soon...I think today but who knows?!

It feels like it is readying herself....but I don't really know

so the wait begins

**************************

The Barren's Aunt is donating a kidney today

I found out via social media...

*****************

My birthday is Thursday

I have no plans, no parties, other than take a yoga class in the afternoon

I had a sweet treat time with The Barren this past weekend...

Put on a pretty dress, had a fancy drink and got some much needed time with him 

It is a strangely aligned week.

I am cleaning and dumping old paperwork out of corners of the house to keep myself busy.

The world feels different

**The cyst was 14cm and consisted of three pieces all surrounding her ovary. One included hair, the other two had thick liquid in them. The surgery lasted 2.5hours and in the removal she lost a portion of her left ovary. The doctor assured her parents that the portion that remains has eggs/follicles and her tube is healthy...the doctor was glad she got her in so quickly as this was a ticking bomb.

Mind Games

So this not bleeding thing is pretty awesome...

I am comfortable, and feeling like me...whatever that means, I am still learning.

I actually laughed out loud when I read this

Last Friday I went to class and as I entered the studio I had the optics appear before a migraine..

I ran out to the car and took my aspirin and then returned to the studio to take class.

normally my optics don't mean anything except slow down...so I did

the optical stuff dissipated (thanks aspirin) and I felt better, I had opened my vessels and I was putting super oxygenated blood into my brain...

well about half way through class the pain started...I slowed down and did as much as I could.

At the end of class I sat for a little bit thinking maybe it was too hot, or my blood pressure needed to regulate. It was pounding as I walked to the car...and I was feeling quite un-okay.

I had to pick up something from the pharmacy and was thankful that they had a drive thru window, as I smelt REALLY strong and could not imagine masking the pain I was experiencing.

I made it home, ate some pre-made soup and fell into bed.

The cat kept me company:

I was down for the rest of the day, moaning and waiting to be able to take a migraine pill

it was areal adulting moment and I figured as the hormones regulate to my own thing...I might be flattened every once in a while.

The next day I sliced my thumb open while framing artwork and I got to the see The Barren almost pass out from seeing the blood flow outta my finger and into the sink and neighboring counters.

Meanwhile I was looking to see how many fingers were indeed involved in the slip.

It was just my thumb, on my dominate hand.

It didn't hurt and I was strangely calm...

it stopped bleeding and I got to reassure The Barren that it was not infected...

I kept telling him that my body heals itself.

It is amazingly reliable that way.

I spent Sunday on the couch, hiding from additional possible things I could hurt myself on.

Other than that...I am trying to stay busy.

Take yoga as often as possible

eat well

take my vitamins

get sleep

and try and find time with my hubby

We seem to be ships passing-

our schedules are not aligning much and he has back to back travel for business coming up starting next week. So the solo thing is something I need to get cozy with.

We tell each other how much we miss each other...but time never seems to synchronize.

So, still waiting for that big sexual peak thing to snap into place, 

while we are both in the room.

This latest transition is very mortal

I am reminded a lot of my impermanence

I am not sure if it is because I am more aware of it now 

or if I had missed the signs all these years...

Continue to be kind to yourself

A whole new womb

***below is some babble-and bad punctuation***

I am entering a whole new stage of womanhood 

and closing the door on the reproductive years.

it is so very bittersweet

Even with a decade plus of absolute heartbreak and 

another myriad of years of confusion 

with a sense of being untethered to any one point or direction in my life...

I am here now

I am not on any birth control and I have finally stopped bleeding!

I am kind of in shock about that still...

After bleeding daily for 6 months it is strange to suddenly not!

I even have a bit of my sex drive returning, which lets face it, is a BIG DEAL!

I was actually kind of mad that I would miss my sexual prime 

under a haze of birth control pills...

Seems I might get some fun outta this yet!

We (The Barren and I ) seem to run in tangents and this whole new road has intersected with a need to "organize" our lives a bit more. Which has manifested in cleaning out old boxes and flushing the dead space. I think with the recent loss of our beloved cat, we needed to shift the energy and this seemed like the closest sitting duck.

It has meant that I have gone through boxes and boxes of memories! 

What we had imagined for myself, what I had passion in and where it landed.

We got rid of kids things, and toys we kept in the house for nieces and nephews,

 all of which are too old for them now.

We kept saying " someone else will be really excited by this" 

as we plopped it into a give away box for the thrift store.

At the end of the day, he felt like he could breathe easier and

 I had nights filled with dreams of lost items and crashes into buildings!

We are being kind about how quickly we make choices, sometimes they will just be repacked and put back into storage, to be opened in the future when things feel less raw. Other times It seems like a brave and heroic feat to let go of the item.

It is a strange time...

I am really feeling like I am floating in a vast unknown land.

I am really in this blind, I do not remember anyone talking or telling me what to expect as you transition into menopause...nothing in sex ed, or doctors or anything!

Well, not until last year when the word was used for the first time in my life in reference to me!

Even after asking what that meant, it was still " it can be anything" was the most precise response, which still seemed lacking at best. 

I am not afraid anymore...I am trying to take each day as it comes.

Some have sorrow wrapped into them, some are manic and I am super energetic and ready to take on the world! As I wait out the readjustment of hormones I will play along as best I can...

be kind to myself, and not give too much away.

Cliff Diver

I just came back from a meeting at the GYN's

Yes a meeting, because I had questions!

I have been feeling quite unconnected from my body...

like I was chasing her across a field and calling for her.

She never turns around or answers...

I want her back.

I have been blue, and bloated and lethargic and skipping yoga to sleep.

I understand that some of it might be residual grief...but it felt different.

I have tried several pills and all paths have lead to constant spotting-light to heavy to bleeding.

I have not stopped taking the pill since thanksgiving (US) and aside from maybe two weeks...

I have been bleeding to some degree.

So I wondered if the pill was working anymore for me.....

and because all the women in my family have all had hysterectomies I had questions

that could not be answered by them.

No one had gone through peri-menopause before or carried several fibroids around.

Long story short....

I am stopping the pill tonight!

I am kind of excited and a little nervous...

but I know now that I have a medical someone on my side who understands that 

uterine ablation and D&C are on the bottom of my list.

I am hoping that my little 12week sized uterus will be happy with this choice

 and relax into retirement on her own.

I have options if the bleeding lasts longer than 10-14 days 

and I have options if there is pelvic pain.

Her theory is that I might not be having regular periods anymore and taking 

BCP is simply adding estrogen and making my uterus act all dramatic.

The Barren thinks this will be really good for me and proudly stated that 

he has no worries about it.

I will take that vote of confidence and hope.

So here I go....

I am about to jump from the cliff into the vast unknown

Learning Curve

I am gonna be honest, it has been really hard these last two weeks.

Loosing such a massive presence in our home has shifted the vibrations.

I am missing my studio "manager"

in fact it was really hard to simply be in the workroom without him the first week.

We have awoken to sounds in the middle of the night, 

heard purrs, and felt a heavy weight of absence daily.

The Barren has broken down at work multiple times

I normally try and hold it together around him, so that he can feel safe to fall apart.

I fall apart in the shower, or on the drive home...

I skipped a lot of classes in the last two weeks and ate and did nothing but chores.

Being in class seemed to trigger waterfalls of thoughts of him, and I fought weeping loud horrible sobs. I also found that a lot of my grief came with guilt. I am not sure why, but at least I identified that and can work on figuring out why that is entwined. 

The in home senior cat is not crying for the other cat as much,  yowling at the front door and the bottom of the door like a " I am here, find me by my voice".

He is working on being in a space, any space he chooses; alone.

He is making strides and I am learning what he needs to feel secure and loved as he grieves.

I have struggled, as I do not have any friends locally.

I am social in class, and when running errands but no one to get a dinner with.

My bestie is hundreds of miles away and I have been texting her a lot.

She is good about that.

The curator sent a card, which was really amazingly sweet.

I tried to have a sit and chat with a couple of artists I know who were passing through town to see a lecture. One of them had just lost her pup 4 months ago and so she spoke of that a lot.

I really just wanted to feel less, and just socialize...but she needed to decompress still.

So I returned home, feeling tired and spent the rest of the day napping with the cat.

Today I woke up and said, 

lets try this again...

tomorrow will be two weeks and you need to start back on your life hike.

So I went to class and feed myself breakfast and got into the workroom and answered emails and figured out a project that needs to be done this weekend.

I am feeling a little less dark....

the senior cat is even sleeping in the chair in the workroom, 

something he hasn't done in months.

I guess we are both trying to get back into gear.

I dread the call from the vet to pick up the ashes...but I think in a way, it will feel like he is close again...at least his body. 

His spirit is clearly free and visiting us in our dreams and being seen from the corner of our sight.

Mostly I have just given myself space and time and been as kind as I could be with myself...

with cookies and avocado.

Challenge and changes

***warning***

Post about new loss of a companion 

So I finished the 30days of yoga in 31days, I had 35 to do it in.

in the final week, a horrible happened.

Our sweet fat kitty was diagnosed with aggressive large cell lymphoma in his intestines along with a sizable growth that was impeding into this colon.

This came out of no where and to say the least has taken us to the rawest place.

He was diagnosed on Tuesday, the day before his 13th birthday, confirmed cell size on Wednesday and Friday night we had the vet home to home and let him go.

In the two and a half days from diagnosis he had stopped eating and drinking and was no longer sleeping but just gazing. 

The disease moved fast and the vet said that the gazing was it entering the brain.

He was slathered in love, and body rubs and kisses and told over and over how much he was loved.

He was the first cat to have as a companion that spoke to you and moaned and groaned responses.

He loved sleeping and when not sleeping, he liked to nap.

There is a massive hole in us

The Barren declared that he lost his best friend.

I am struck over and over during the day.

The surviving kitty, is 3 years older and today has been calling for him....

It is heart breaking...yesterday he spent a large portion as high up on my chest as he could get

my heart below his flip flopping in my chest.

It is going to be a long road as we all learn to live with this new grief.

I am thankful I had 13years with him

and was able to laugh through tears as memories of his antics flood my mind.

Ideally we were able to free him from his body fast enough to avoid him suffering from an evil fast moving demon....

Day 16

It is day 16 of the 30 day challenge...

or 19 of yoga in a row.

I am gonna be honest-

I am feeling tired...like deep muscle tired

often as the day goes on, new and funny parts of me start to stiffen.

like right now just typing I feel the base of my deltoid stiffening.

Each morning I seem to be getting out of bed like this 

and after some water and pacing I am at it for the day.

Remember the tin man before he got oiled...

I am the tin woman.

building stamina and muscle 

and not waiting for anyone to rescue me

I made a promise to myself and this body that I would keep going until I can't

so although I might be slow some days,  I am still at it.

I refuse to rust!

When I am not quietly groaning and shuffling to get back up the stairs...

 you'll find me in the yoga studio.

Laundry

I did not realize how much laundry a 

diet of sweaty yoga classes every day generated.

I was overwhelmed with pile this last weekend...

and also amazed.

I am currently at day 12 of classes and day 9 of the 30 day challenge

There were two former police officers that were competing against each other

 and set a goal to do all 30 classes in a week!

Yesterday morning, was the final day for them both...

they both finished their 30 classes at noon!

it is strange to me...the whole competition thing, like I've mentioned before....

I feel good

I haven't needed any painkillers yet...

but I must say my stomach muscles were quite angry this last weekend 

and today my legs are a little jelly like.

I know that mom's wash huge loads of clothes all the time.

Or it appears that way, for it is a number one complaint of my SIL

and I guess I am glad I don't have more than two peoples clothes to wash and dry

you can't forget wet clothes in the dryer....sigh

It is a strange adult task 

nothing mind blowing in this post...

just observing weird normal things

Overcoming self imposed fears-part one

I do not like public talking, especially when I am the central focus.

or when ALL eyes are on me.

I have taken public speaking classes to conquer this discomfort...

but after many years 

and the comforts of making myself more of a hermit....

public talks are foreign once again.

So when a local college professor called asking if I would speak to his folio class

I said sure.

No big deal...it was weeks away

I approached this in a SUPER casual way and I think it helped keep my nerves at bay.

I didn't overthink anything.

Today was the day.

The Barren helped put my work into a PowerPoint and showed me how to use it.

and I walked into a college class and spoke for 40 MINUTES 

in front of a room full of photography students

about my work and process and history.

Aside from those moments when you hear your own voice and go 

"where am I and what am I doing?!" 

I think it went as best as it could for being all over the place.

When the professor asked about artists, he always mentioned men.

When he referenced contemporary artists working in a particular style he mentioned men.

He referenced curators and jurors as masculine.

When I responded to his references my answers to him were always female.

The curator is this show is a women, that juror is a woman...

the owner of that gallery is a woman, the person making that style of art lives nearby and is a woman.

I was surprised by his lack of knowledge/reference of female artists and curators.

My corrections came natural to me, and ideally were picked up by the artists in class.

When I got home I told the Barren and he said:

"I am proud of you...you just did something that is not in your nature, 

and it is so important to have women representing in classes, 

for exactly the reason you saw"

Gosh he is a wordsmith to my heart....

Fearful moment #1:

public speaking-no big deal

Competition with myself

I have signed up for this challenge.

I am sorry if my next few posts have a heavy yoga theme, 

it is pretty much the only real socializing I get...cuz I am a dork like that.

I don't normally do this sort of thing because I have discovered that I find competition quite repulsive. It does not motivate me, it makes me retreat.

I don't even like when people shout words of encouragement to push you through....

like when running for the finish line, or to keep up with the pace of others.

I had signed up for this kind of thing at the last yoga studio I use to go to, 

but it was a punch card and it turned out to be way competitive! 

So I did two or three classes got my little card punched and then found reasons to not finish them 

and self sabotaged the efforts of the punch card.

There were people who went to classes three or four times a day so I felt Why?!

This one felt different, one...no one is forcing it down my throat or talking it up like you all get cars if you finish. This one is hey, we've been open a year and we made this chart with sharpies and have stickers that you can put in a box next to your name after each class you take...and you have 35 days to do 30 days of yoga because, you know life and shit happens sometimes.

Also you can only get one sticker per day, so if you come once that is the same as coming three times a day...for those crazy overachievers....and for those that have day jobs and relationships.

Quite frankly, I was highly excited about my first sticker, it was a gold unicorn!

I am still 7 years old and get excited about stickers and unicorns

this is my 6th day in a row but only the 3rd in the challenge...

so now I have one unicorn and two stars.

I am also playing hooky from work this week as we are getting some rain and evacuation orders have been issued and revoked due to threats of debris from last years fires.

I have spent my time in yoga, practicing mudras , eating, watching crappy tv and reading.

I have also done some catch up on art things and planning for the coming year.

I am trying to be happier and less fearful.

that is what I am working on the most this year...

less fear

so I am taking yoga every day

and even when the next cycle comes along I will be there...

reminding myself that I am powerful and have overcome all threats to my reproductive system.

There is a woman that practices next to me often in class and she is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping people free the BODY from trauma. She says we trap trauma in our bodies and our bodies replay that over and over again even when we are currently safe and there is no threat. 

Like soldiers that have survived bombs and people who have lived through shootings or car crashes.

This resonated with me and my white coat and I started meditating on my uterus being safe from trauma, and trying to calm her down from her past experiences.

I am taking time every day to practice this meditation....it seems to feel natural and soothing me.

I am not sure how many days I will end up practicing for this challenge but I am willing to try and that is HUGE...and if they keep providing gold unicorn stickers there is no telling how long this could go on!

I am good and healthy

I got the phone call while dropping off artwork at the gallery.

I had to take the call in a public place....

I repeated what the Nurse said:

"clear and good, nothing present"

I folded in half with relief

the curator walked up to me and said...

that sounded like good news

I said yes, I had a test and it is clear.

What were you tested for?

I had a biopsy from my uterus, they wanted to rule out cancer.

She turned white and said she was so very glad to hear the news....

I told her it felt like I could take a deep breath.

I remember thanking her again for including me in the exhibition and I floated out of the gallery and landed in a metaphysical gift store a couple doors down where I bought my bestie a set of Animal Spirit Guide cards

Since the news I have been kind of numb and very thankful

very present 

and quieter

I enjoyed a quiet Christmas with The Barren

and then with family

I am fine, I am good, I am thankful 

and peri-menopausal

Mind is a swirl

I have only really thought about what the biopsy was looking for a couple times

and when I dealt with the REALNESS of it, I became overwhelmed.

I felt a wave of love wash over me in yoga class, 

and became quite overwhelmed with the feeling that I actually cried.... 

I was quite sweaty and so it was not noticeable.

The waiting is indeed the hardest part.

I have spent time not thinking, meditating, doing busy work and trying to not focus on my normal catastrophic thinking that I go to almost automatically.

I have been talking myself off the ledge, but reminding myself that my doctor surgeries have been successful and that there is no reason why this will not result in another good experience and a negative- you don't have cancer result.

For not thinking about it, it sure sounds like I have been thinking about it.

Ideally I should hear something tomorrow....but until then I am off to make gingerbread nuts

hahah

nuts

this recipe:

GINGERBREAD SPICED NUTS

INGREDIENTS:

• 3 cups Nuts (I used 1 1/2 cups Walnut Halves and 1 1/2 cups Pecan Halves)
• 1/2 + 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
• 1/2 + 1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
• 1/4 teaspoon ground all spice
• 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
• 3 tablespoons brown sugar
• big pinch coarse salt
• 2 tablespoons coconut oil

DIRECTIONS:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Add nuts to a large mixing bowl.
3. In a small bowl, combine spices, sugar and coconut oil. Add to nuts and toss well until nuts are completely coated.
4. Bake in 350 degree oven for 10-12 minutes until fragrant. Let cool before serving.

Heavily Meditated

Vadge of Honor 

My bestie got me this pin after my last miscarriage and 

I have worn it to ultrasounds and today's endometrial biopsy.

I spent the last two and a half weeks waiting for my appointment meditating.

I have read about the process, focused on the temporary amount of time it was 

and tried to compare/prepare for it with the pain gauge in my head.

twinge to pass out from pain

Today came and I took two pills last night meant to soften my cervix and then another this morning.

They made me quite loopy and apparently worked well enough to allow for the procedure today

and to get a sample.

I would say the process was uncomfortable with a moment or two of pointed sharp pressure deep inside me, near my diaphragm.

It was a short amount of time and when I was ready to call uncle, it was over.

Clearly pain and discomfort levels are different for everyone and I had a lot of downward pressure from my cervix softening so that added to the strange feelings.

The polka dots on the ceiling tiles were amazingly interesting when focusing on breathing

When she was done I needed to lay still for a little bit as I was a little woozy.

Nothing that didn't settle almost immediately and I was out of there.

Results expected by next week.

I am beyond thankful that today procedure was able to net a sample.

I met with my bestie yesterday to shore up my courage, and she gave me a lemon sweatshirt that is super soft and cozy. She wanted to give it to me ahead of the procedure so that: 

"I felt happy and loved"

cozy lemon slice sweatshirt, homemade vegan mac and cheeze and my emotional support kitty <3 td="">

Bestie lives over 6 hours away and has come into town to take care of her mother who had double eye surgery today....so her plate is quite full!

Yesterdays meet up was exactly what we both needed.

Tomorrow is a new day.

I am hopeful that the spotting from the procedure will fade away 

and I will get some mojo time back and celebrate my:

 "BIG HEALTHY UTERUS POWER"

source

You are a wreck

So I went to the endo doctor....

I had The Barren come with me, well, because it was a male doctor and as sexist as that sounds often times when I have visited a male doctor they talk down to me unless The Barren is present.

It sucks and is sad, but true.

So I brought back-up

Also, I had MASSIVE white coat and I wanted a second set of ears to hear what my brain dropped with its high screeching sound.

I was sweating and anxious and although my clots had stopped on Monday, I was still spotting.

The doctor came into the exam room like a cowboy on a bulldozer.

Sat down in front of me with my folder and said:

"You are peri-menopausal.

that is why you are bleeding like this."

"We've met before, but you were asleep" (creepy)

He assisted on my ovarian cystectomy and stage four endo confirmation.

" yep, you are total mess, everything is just all mucked up in there."

He was trying to make light of things I think...but it came across a little like a used car salesman

He told me that when I got tired of bleeding I should consider a D&C or Uterine Ablation or both.

But first, 

" We need to do an endometrial biopsy, to confirm that you don't have uterine cancer. I don't think you do, but it is important to confirm that.

I have my nurse practitioners do them because I don't like to hurt people and they hurt. Because I have never had any children, my cervical opening is small or totally closed and they might not be able to do the biopsy, so if that is the case then they would do it with a D&C""

I saw The Barren go pale when the doctor described the process 

and I think I left my body at that moment.

He suggested that I double up on my BC pill to up the hormone and if it works then we can switch to another pill and just take them back to back.

Oh, and you can only take the pill until you are 50 so you only have a little bit of time left on that.

then you are considered Menopausal and you shouldn't be on the pill anymore.

I told him I was most afraid of having to have a hysterectomy and he told me that he had ZERO desire to do one, that he doesn't even have it on the list of options....unless needed.like uterine cancer.

That was a relief among the land mines.

He also said that caffeine or alcohol are not triggers for endo and that I should be drinking champagne whenever I want and enjoying my cup of tea in the morning.

I left the office with a biopsy appointment, with a nurse practitioner that was versed in the procedure of difficult subjects, and the lady at the front desk said she would ask if a should take some kind of medicine ahead of the procedure to help make it easier for us both...but it wasn't an anti-anxiety drug.

I left the appointment feeling like I had been run over by a mack truck!

I was dizzy and shaking and confused and so very sad.

I spoke to a pharmacist yesterday that confirmed that doubling up on the BC pill was a good option and if the spotting stopped then get a new prescription with that dose and take three 28 day packs back to back. 28 day packs have a wider range of dosages of hormone than the 91day generics I take.

I started last night and aside from some nausea this morning, I feel pretty alright and the spotting seems to be stopping too! 

I did yoga yesterday and today...that helped A LOT.

I am scared of the biopsy, but keep trying to focus on it being a 10-15 minute 

procedure and that the pain will be temporary.

The Barren is taking me to and from the appointment that day.

I am so done with this bullshit

I am done with doctors

I am done with the sadness

I am done with painful procedures

I am done with feeling so overwhelmed

but something somewhere in me won't let me totally give up and give in

I still have some dim flame of hope that this will be it, the last of it for a long spell 

The Monster

I have an appointment to see a gyno on Wednesday.

I have not stopped bleeding and throwing large clots since Tuesday. 

(it is Saturday night)

When I asked my doctors office for advice, they said:

  you are already on the pill, there is nothing more we can do.

After feeling set afloat and abandoned...

I started calling gyno offices to see who took my insurance...and booked an appointment to see someone new.

When I called on Tuesday in shock at what appeared to be another miscarriage, I was immediately dismissed and told it was impossible on the pill.

Feeling run over and emotionally hurt as well as terrified by what was happening to my body...

I requested a change in BC pill as I had been spotting since August.

It was requested and after some hunting down, I got it ordered and filled.

I am bleeding

a lot

I fear and expect that this is The Monster that has been laying in wait for all these years.

The same monster that I have managed since my surgery in 2012. 

The Monster that has been quiet until now....allowing me to be me and feel like I had some control.

I don't know what shifted back in July to start the spotting

and then the the bleeding in August

that didn't stop until the end of the month

and then the spotting to begin again in October and

here I am now entering my third week of bleeding.

I have no pain...so that makes it all the more creepy.

This Monster lulls me into thinking all is fine but, has me in the bathroom every three or so hours.

I have had to stop yoga, as I tried to practice this week and got so dizzy and nauseous that I had to stop multiple times.

The Monster makes me think am covered and then leaks out of the body and into my clothes at work.

The Monster makes me think I can do normal tasks, but then when I attempt to begin, I am unplugged and need to sleep.

I am taking iron to try and build amour to protect myself...

drinking green juices to get even more iron

but every few hours I am drained of my efforts.

I do hope this doctor can be an ally

help me save my uterus from The Monster...

until then I take my BC pills and iron supplements and hope that my shield is strong enough to protect me from collapsing.

Stress

I am not dealing with what is being dealt my way these days.
My skin for it seems very thin, or nonexistent.

 * cat has possible entropin (inward turning eyelids and it requires surgery)

he is 15 years old, and drools from stress just going to the vet.

*I am trying to deal with the newly revived PTSD from MY last vet experiences:

1. the pet food poisoning that had melamine in the food we almost lost both cats
2.  emergency surgery from ingesting a metal nut
that got stuck in his intestine and needed to be removed.

3. Same cat, showed signs of the nut experience experience again back last summer
and I was a train wreck- it was am irritated stomach.

Now, his eye has swollen and it appears that he has entropion 

*My breast ultrasound, which my insurance would not cover so I paid $150 to have the required test done showed a small cyst (the doctor said it appears to be benign)

* I am still spotting on and off since the miscarriage in August, I have been told this is normal, even though, it is still unsettling.

* my current work schedule has me upside down and not really allowing for regular studio time, so most of the free time is spent catching up on home chores (which sucks)

* I have several shows I am trying to prepare for on this limited time and now the cat, has me like a full on, should be committed basket case...I feel like I am coming apart at the seams.

Since writing this the cat has had his surgery-
waiting for the vet to call and say he survived was so stressful that my face went numb!
I didn't eat for two days

He is home now and on day two of recovery, and it appears that he is truly on the mend.
I did not sleep the first night he came home, but got some last night and he is increasing his mobility and has no signs of problems....
but the recheck is tomorrow and then another on Monday.
Until then my job is to guard his corneas and be a full time nurse and body guard.
The Barren can not take time off and I really can't either but,
 I was designated as the caregiver and so I am doing that.
I have not gone to yoga, or even left hte house as he can not be unattended. The week prior was so stressful as I was grappling with feelings and doubts and fears while giving a small puma a constant feed of eye-drops, I missed a lot of yoga then too, and instead slept my sorrow.

I am beyond thankful that this cat is as tenacious as he is and dead set to be my guy for some more time...and now that he can see, the sky is really the limit.
At the drop off, I mentioned to The Barren that all his hospital experiences have been successful and good. It was me that has been so traumatized and so at that epiphany I chose to not doom my cat....imagine the worst case scenarios or envision something wrong.
It was a REALLY long wait for an update call, but it came and we took him home soon afterwards!
He has been waking from his naps head butting me and purring and eating.
I am overwhelmed with the grace this cat possesses.

Mouth guard

shirt credit

With the combination of the election and the fire and mudslide

I was fitted with a mouth guard that I wear at night

because I am grinding my teeth at night.

So badly, I chipped a tooth.

I have been wearing it every night, but have made a point 

as of late, to wear it even more 

religiously.

I am furious, I can feel it in every bone and oozing from every pore.

I have never been so ashamed to be an american.

The amount of sexism, racism, xenophobia, and blatant hate is inexcusable!

The government in place is a total embarrassment.

The old white men have had too much power and all this bullshit

has carried over into what might be a liar elected into the SCOTUS.

I watched Dr. Ford give her testimony, and I watched Brett cry and scream his.

I watched too much....

I have since turned off the news 100%

I vote and thankfully am in a state where my representatives feel the same way I do about 

Brett and women'r rights, health and immigration and take the time to answer the phones when I call in and thank them for supporting or voting against things that are brought up. 

I have had emails answered and these women do not run away from their constituents

they listen and respond.

Like responsible representatives.

That being said

after watching Dr.Ford, I experienced for the first time a true whole body trigger.

I remembered my assaults with great details.

I told The Barren for the first time, in our 26 years together, 

about the first one when I was about 8 years old.

Only my parents and my therapist(who was treating my grief from infertility) know about it, 

and they never mention it.

My father told me( at 8 years old) after hearing and seeing who did it that 

" I had an active imagination, and that this never happened"

So I buried it deep

Angry and confused as to why he chose to not believe me

I also told The Barren about another one that happened 

when I was a teenager, that no one knew about...

except me and the people involved.

He was deeply shook, and super supportive about being brave enough to tell him.

He knows about my sexual harassment incidents

 from workplaces that have happened since...

Dr.Ford made me remember

She made me strong enough to share my story 

she reminded me that these situations are not me, I am stronger and bigger than them.

They are nothing to be ashamed of

and nothing I did and nothing I need to carry responsibility for 

I think I will keep wearing my pride 

and wearing my mouth guard until this world is turned right side up again.

the future is female

Riding the waves

Handmade doll for 3yr olds birthday

So remember that baby shower I wasn't invited to and then the second baby shower I found out about on social media that I also was not invited to, because I wasn't going to show up anyways....

well, I got a half-assed invite to that same persons sons third birthday.

" hey lady, we are having a party this Friday for kiddos 3rd bday, 530pm. Hot dogs and pinata...not sure screaming kids at the end of the week are your thing but we wanted to invite you and The Barren"

I accepted immediately

I think there was some spite in my acceptance, but....whatever

I found this book at the local thrift shop and made the doll the day of the party; in between work and yoga class....the silkscreen paint was pretty darn dry by the time I wrapped it up.

Apparently the 3year olds suggestions for the soon to be little mini me is 

" poo poo head"

So I made him a baby of his own that he can torture or play with while mom 

is busy with the real one.***

The party was all hipster parents and cake and screaming kids 

and I chatted with a few people while banshees and harpies ran around us 

high on sugar and sleep deprivation.

I was proud of myself for playing it cool...

The Barren was not able to go because he was traveling and so I did it solo!

*note the ripped paper of the dressing gown
nervous twitch maybe

I also survived the yearly check up with the doctor.
I get white coat so they line the exam table with the thicker non stick paper sheets.
I get a hot flash as soon as the doctor appears and proceed to create small waterfalls of sweat all throughout the exam. I don't think I have ever gotten a manual breast exam from her where she didn't get a handful of sweat and deodorant.
She said aside from still needing to loose 3-5 pounds (my lord this woman uses the BMI index like an end all be all information system )
I am doing well and should keep it up
exercise as much as I can and keep up the vegan diet and stay happy
(hahahah)

I don't have to see her for another year (ideally)
Now I just have mammogram and breast ultrasounds to finish
easy peasy

I'm dead set on just riding this last month away...
In my minds eye I am sitting in the shade
by a big body of water
tide lapping nearby
and letting it all go

letting all that shit go

*** Mom to be just texted and asked if I had any name ideas!!

I went to the first name site I could find and picked one randomly

Sigh

The Debriefing

Having a miscarriage at 48 is very different than one at 36

My body reacted differently

My mind was in a different place

My heart was in a different place and settled in a new and different way.

I was numb for a long time

almost like my whole being went into a fight or flight reaction

from information long ago learned.

I postponed my yearly physical by a week, 

The Barren will be traveling during the original time 

and I didn't want to be alone when I got back home from another doctor visit.

I am done with doctors

but I understand I still need to advocate for myself,
so I still get all the required check-ins 

so I am not as rebellious as I imagine myself to be.

In the week, when the bleeding finally stopped, I went back to yoga with a gusto

and I found myself saying to myself....

" be kind to yourself, you just had a miscarriage"

I was trying to be kind, to excuse when I felt weak

I waited for the bleeding to stop to tell my parents, 

I felt a heavy weight to share it with my mother in particular.

When I did tell her, I heard myself explaining in great detail that there might not have been an embryo in this miscarriage, reassuring her I was alright and that I was responsible and had many doctors tell me that I was in no danger.

She said she was sorry that I had to experience this again...

I told her I get to experience and process loss

that is what I get to do in this lifetime.

She shared with my father what happened and he when he heard my voice on the phone,
he said:

" I am so sorry, I don't know what else to say about it"

I told him that was perfect and thank you

then he told me I was a strong woman, 

this made me almost totally collapse into a puddle.

I haven't seen them since sharing the news, that is unusual.

I called and checked in a couple of time afterwards, to make sure all were alright

I think this has highlighted a couple things for me:

I am older

I can handle loss, repeatedly 

I am stronger now because of what I have experienced in the past

I can 

I am also able to let myself grieve 

I feel in many ways it might have been a sign from my body that I have crossed the last line of fertility. Even when I thought it was past, this was the final proof of that.

I had a dream before this all began, and I had seen myself dead in photographs

Like and out of body experience of seeing myself in a dream

when I looked up the meaning on several dream dictionary sites, they all said the same thing:

"In your dream you see yourself dead, at first you may think this is about you being dead. However it’s not, this dream is about you moving forward into being a new person.

You are growing and maturing as a human being and you’re ready to move to the next phase of your life and you’re ready to leave the old you behind.

This type dream is important because it shows that you are growing and developing your spiritual side and gives you the message that you’re headed in the right direction."

I am taking some comfort in this knowledge from the greater sources