Oscar stabbing-Fluff

***warning this is a fluff piece*****

I searched high and low for a film clip, but alas the Youtubes let me down.

 

I was watching the pre-Oscar show that highlights all the superficial elements of the Oscars...how people look and the diamonds and gowns and who knows who....anyhoo.

 

Giuliana Rancic was debuting her new " look at me" shorter hairdo in time for the Oscar's and was all aglow when she spied Reese and was so overcome with girlcrush and envy you could almost make out her green eyes...Her commentary suddenly turned and she made Ryan Seacreast ask Reese what  the secret was of her AMAZING hair.

Reese overcome with pride and glee said to tell Giuliana:

" I just had a baby, and it makes your hair amazing, you know what that is like"

 

As professional as she was, Giuliana could not hide her dropped jaw/pained face

 at Reese's caviler response.

No pretty gown, new hairdo, adoption or money could fix it.

As much as she bugs me, and has been IF insensitive herself post adoption,

 I felt for her at that moment.

 

 

I could only find this reference to the question and answer online:

 

Reese Witherspoon wore bombshell waves and her signature blue eyeshadow. Oh, and she told Giuliana Rancic her secret to such voluminous hair (other than Renato, the same guy who styled Jessica): "I just had a baby! I'm not looking forward to when you lose all the hair after the baby."

 

 

You Hip-Hop, and you don't stop

OK so it has taken about a week post period to feel like me again...What a living HELL that was.

In the wake of my latest Barreness kick-assing, I am feeling puffy, but ready to get back onto the path that makes me happy.

 

I am currently in what I can only assume is an artistic block.

I was feeling this coming on but figured I was just distracted with getting things in order, and a little new years organization fervor.

 

In reality....

I think the last three rejections to exhibitions have been a hit to my sense of creative self...I am use to rejection, it is part of the exhibition process...but I guess these last three in a row have been a little harder to step over.

For a short period of time I was ready to open the paper, dust off the traditional resume and hit the pavement, but instead I found myself curled around the ipad, reading the deadline websites for art exhibitions.

So I know I am suppose to keep making art,

I just need to find the rhythm to start jumping rope again....

 

I'm making The Barreness jump with me now!

 

I met a friend for tea and I had brought my folder of exhibition information with me, I had arrived a little earlier then our planned time and wanted to keep my brain in the game.

I keep the submission information for upcoming opportunites all in binder that has them in due date order and then shipping and submission information following.

This way I can see the constant timeline in action.

Keep a fire under my ass

She spied it and asked what it was, I showed her the current stack of information I was sorting through.

She was floored and said: you just submit over and over?

Me: All year long, it is all I can do.

It sounded strange but it is true, I am the mistress of my destiny now.

 

As Conan said:

"If you work really hard, and you're kind, amazing things will happen."

 

I am working for my amazing!

 

Rocks, and sticks

image via vintagegal

I wanted to post all week, in fact I was so sure that my week off was gonna go smooth I "played hookie" on Tuesday when I felt a little worn on waking for work.

I imagined spending a week making art, and honoring my body's needs. 

I was sluggish and wanted to be kind to myself.

It was the calm before the storm to say the least!

By Tuesday night I had cramps but no period, so I went out with girl friends to distract myself.

I had a glass of wine, shared some time and by the time I got home I was spent...I figured it was any moment before good ol'Flo was gonna show up...but no.

Wednesday I was even more tired and crampy but I kept on trying to distract myself and made some food for a friend in need and delivered some valentines locally. By the time I got back from that little outing I was shaking from pain, and my period had finally started. I took my normal 12hour pain pill and figured all would be taken care of in an hour and I was good to go.

Boy was I wrong...

The next four days were spent sweating, shivering, cramping and calling a pharmacist to see what pain pills could be taken together. I soaked in tubs, walked in circles, curled into fetal balls, and whimpered a lot.

I repeated a mantra: I am thankful for my Frankenstein ovary, I am thankful for my angry uterus.

I can feel all they are capable of, and I am thankful for that.

 

No romantic valentines days here, I had a migrane and such severe breakthru pain, I passed out after taking a Norco. I scared The Barren well enough that he stayed home Friday to make sure I was alright, as what he saw was familiar of times past.

I was scared and worked really hard on not visualizing every ovarian and uterine catastrophe possible. I then vocalized each of those to diminish their power, and laughed in their faces...while crying. I think The Barreness was cooking up some party games for me.

Yesterday, was the party to announce my SIL pregnancy to the family. I was prepared, and mostly comfortable enough to wear something other then PJ's, my period seemed to have stopped and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel....but The Barren was not on board I found.

He was grumpy and sad and concerned.

As lovely as the news is, it is also the reminder of what we got overlooked for.

We left a little early and after the announcement, and headed home.

I was cramping again, and bleeding again.

We sat and watched Downton, and headed to bed...then after a night filled with discomfort, I awoke with extreme stomach pains...

I sent The Barren to work, texted my work that I was sick AGAIN and faced this alone.

Turns out I got some food bore something, and was about to spend the next few hours buckled in pain, and moaning on the toilet.

Before The Barren left, I was groaning and staying "pull up those straps girl...it will pass."

Then it became, "This is temporary, it will be over soon."

To finally: "I am broken, this is what it feels like to be duped, this is how you break a spirit."

 

Around 8:30am, after three hours of groaning, my mother called: "what's going on? I thought you were feeling ok"

Me: crying, and whispering " I feel totally broken, I have been insulted and made a fool"

I couldn't help but remember the words from the doctor, after the surgery...You'll be pain free for 6 months at least after surgery..(off the pill). You'll be so much more comfortable.

I am ok once the pill is in my system, but this transition, this first cycle was terrifying, painful, and insulting. I bled out of my clothes again, I was soooo bloated I couldn't put on my pants, I was on heavy pain pills again and totally not functionable. I felt like a child....

I tried to comfort my dear Barren by saying, in the last three months, I have had surgery, gone onto hormone pills and that is a lot of adjusting in a short time. How can I not expect my body to react.

I get kicked a lot by life, but I'm a tough cookie and I always come out the other side.

It seemed to work for him.

I just need to convince myself now.

Laughter...and space

So yesterdays post was heavy, I sat in it all day and went to bed with it.

This morning, I took my time waking up at 5:30am-into a rolling blackout for my area.

I couldn't open the garage door"easily" so I lingered in bed and whispered with The Barren, until the lights came back on. Then I got into the shower...washed my hair and got dressed for a day of work.

No earth shattering big moves or discoveries except I did it. I chose to keep moving forward...I dozed on the way into work as The Barren drove and got an almond crossant to eat with tea for breakfast and then started work.

I did that....continued to move forward.

I did some work and then found this on a blog I read about artists and it made me laugh, and feel ownership of myself and my work.

“I’m in my late 40’s, I’ve got nothing to prove, so I’m going to make whatever the fuck I want.”
 http://inthemake.com/randy-colosky/

I have nothing to prove, I just need to move and make what I am overwhelmed to.

simply plan, simple road to happiness

 

I am currently obsessed with this song, I feel like a monkey listening to it, bobbing up and down

to the beat....so dance my fellow monkeys, dance!

 

Bumpy, frumpy

I think I have hit a bump...I am feeling a little blue.

Like something is missing or I have forgotten something.

I have chosen to not wash my hair daily...my body yes, but not my hair...which means

I get to create new and exciting hairstyles to hide the shiny look.

Why? because I just don't seem to have it in me.

*sigh*

 

I went to my women's business meeting last week, only to find that only one other woman could make it. What is normally a night of professional conversations about work and goals and business objectives; ended up being an hour and a half of me listening to this dear woman, spill her heart out all over the table and onto the floor.

She is no longer happy with her long term relationship, she maybe wants to have a baby, she turns 30 this year. She told me about her childhood, the death of her parents, the journey to where she is now. The journey she hopes to take to find an old flame and see if there is something still there.

She wants to change the course of things...and amongst these gems, she also told where to find and how to ask for the town gigolo's services.

A fountain of information! I came home with half the salad I had ordered and exhausted!
When The Barren asked how the night was, I just said, I am still processing it.
It was intense, but a wonderful reminder that no matter how together someone looks, we are all dealing with demons and decisions and heartbreak daily.
 

In an effort to and shake up my blues,

I went to the farmers market, something I use to do religiously and got great joy from. I know exactly when to go so the place is not filled with strollers or toddlers with fruit juice running down their arms grabbing for any hand that looks like mom or dad's.
I talk with the farmers, I buy fresh local food...I smell the greens and sometimes get a new plant for the patio. I hadn't been in a LONG time and it was sweet that the farmers still recognized me and asked where I had been. I took far too much cash, as I spent it all !
Not bad on a scale of bad things...but still no control and maybe a little compensation for sadness.

Once home I upended my studio AGAIN and have now made great strides in organizing it, I tore up piles of images that were bad (not a critique of the work, but literally, had ink smudges on them or bad printing or some other technical problem that makes them un-showable or sellable)
It was liberating and freed up some much needed space!
But I am still procrastinating and finding time ticking faster and faster.

I need to make new work...I am stuck and distracted.

 I also know that a little someone is laughing at me, knowing that something is around the corner....

I have my first cycle since the surgery next week and I don't know what to expect.

 The unexpected looms large...Fear and Pain are sitting and waiting for their name to be called.

 

Also almost like a trinity, this week is also the birthday of my goddaughter.

She was born two days before Valentines day, and after I spent 26hours at the hospital with her mother watching her come into the world, while hiding my INCREDIBLE period pain from all there...pain that got me into the ER days later and sedated into a pain free state. Only to realize that my ovary was about to explode. Her mother and I had been trying to get pregnant at the same time...except she was and I wasn't, again.
Sadly this beautiful child's birth reminds me of all that too!

*sigh*

I have to figure out how to get my feet free and tap dancing these bumps away.

Laughter and tears

Did you ever have that moment when a friend or family member suddenly shifts their appearance and looks like someone all together different and you find them very funny, or scary or foreign?

 

I don't know this person, but I found this little video today and I was rolling with laughter at how wonderfully he can shift his appearance and become someone else.

He entertained me, scared me but mostly distracted me.

Sometimes you just need some cheap thrills, and this was it for me this morning as I was trying to keep my eyes open and focus on a workday ahead of me:

 

http://www.wimp.com/dramaticlipsync/

 

 

I send laughter, and wonder your way today

Broken Hearts Club

I heard this amazing interview on NPR a month or so ago and it was inspirational.

I have put a link to hear the whole story yourself below

 To summarize, it is about a museum that only houses what is left behind from a relationship.

There are always things left behind after a relationship ends, that for some reason we hold onto.

Letters, or a shirt or a photo or REALLY random things like a cup the ex-loved one use to drink out of every morning or a photo they hung on the wall for you.

I thought this story was going to be horribly, sad but the longer I listened the more beautiful it became. There are sad stories don't get me wrong, but there are also sweet memories that are now gone with the person.

Like the woman who sends a flashing light for the dog they use to share,

so it doesn't get hurt when it walks at night.

I have kept things from old relationships, I am a collector by my nature, so it seems counter nature to get rid of some things...but then there are baby things.

 

This story made me think about a museum for us...a museum to send our last little things that we are ready to let go of. A ribbon, or a blanket that was sent to us.

(my mother keeps a blanket that was made for me for my baby)

 

I fear that, that collection would be ONLY heartbreaking.

So until then, we can focus on someone elses heartbreak.

 

Below is the narrated story and a link to the real place, in case you are traveling nearby and want to stop in. I would imagine it would be quite cathartic.

http://www.npr.org/2012/02/14/146853343/croatias-museum-of-broken-relationships

http://brokenships.com/

Easy as 1,2,3

Last year the Earl and his wife suffered a miscarriage. I was the first person they told when they got a positive test and the only call when things were not looking like it was going to last...The Earl, desperate to help his wife asked me to ask my IF "friends" if any of them had taken this hormone or that hormone and what the chances were of it helping stop a miscarriage. I was touched that he felt this close to me and I was heartbroken for them as the pregnancy ended and I could offer no help to stop it.

About two months ago, I got a call after dinner from The Earl again. "It looks like she is pregnant again. I suggested that she wait to tell anyone about it until it was much farther along this time." Last time she was 6weeks along when she told friends at a dinner out, within a week she lost the pregnancy.  I told him congratulations as I hung up the phone and thought of their other two children at home....how the youngest was now possibly going to be a middle child.

The Earls wife comes from a line of woman who enter menopause in their late 30's. One sister had a child as a teen and now is unable to have another, and the other is in the middle of multiple years of IF treatments to create a family of their own. So the fact that the Earl's wife had gotten pregnant in her mid 30's twice in this last year was surprising on it's own.

Yesterday I picked up the eldest from school, with the younger one in tow, as The Earl and his wife went to the doctor for the 11 week confirmation ultrasound. I was asked to help because if our mother caught wind of a Dr's appointment she would ask a machine gun line of questions that they didn't want to answer yet. So I was the confidant again.

When the appointment was over and they came to pick up the children, they had no reactions on their faces. There were others here, and they were not able to speak freely or openly. None the less, it made my mind wander to the dark places, and  I imagined the worst scenarios....chemical pregnancy, ectopic pregnancy...still child.

Once the room was cleared and the children were shuffled away and en route to home with the Earls wife; The Earl showed me the ultrasound. In it, a kicking moving thing that looked like a baby kangaroo...flickering shimmering heart. I could hear the voice of the ultrasound tech, high pitched and giggly. I turned to The Earl and said  "that is what an tech sounds like when you have a baby in you? They sound so happy. Wow I never got to hear that..." He didn't say a thing....but maybe at that moment realized what this was like for me. I hugged him and said congratulations again and packed up my things to head home.

They made it look so easy.

Don't be fooled

So a few things have gone down in these last few days...

I started my week (Thursday is the beginning of my week) at a HUGE convention center looking at art. The big city hosted the annual art faire and it was a chance to see what galleries are carrying and what is "hot, hip and happening" it was also a great chance to break in my new $24 payless tennis shoes and carry 20lbs of magazines out the door at the end of my visual overload. I went with two women, one I kind of know and the other was totally new to me. The common friend in this mix got the flu and couldn't make it...so we ventured onward! We all looked at the work independently of each other and thanks to a free ticket (I answered an email and got a free one sent to me) I got a free catalog too...so I was able to mark pages and think deep things about work.

this made me think veggies...

sex and art

large crumbled bills and a hushed crowd

There was a lot of STRANGE and silly work, but also a bunch of stuff that reminded me to "mellow out" and just make what comes out of you at any time.* There is a connection there, I will get to it later....when I tell you about Saturdays event.
The dealers were interesting and the whole place was hushed...like the WHOLE HALL in a convention center was a museum...very refined, very subdued. I was really glad I went and really glad I am an artist...even though I was also reminded that it is quite a hard nut to crack, this whole let me get into a gallery thing.

Friday I got called into work and came home with a HUGE headache and the unending desire to want to puke, but was unable to...it was lovely. I had an event to attend that night, so I took a lot of migraine pills and went to the event solo. It was the opening to the new little shop that is carrying my trinket...the place is adorable and looks like Etsy exploded in there....I wanted to buy EVERYTHING. Do you ever get that way when intoxicated or feel icky? I spend money on silly things and discovery them the next day. I hear ambien can do that to you too. She didn't have a sign for the store still so it also reminded me to keep knocking on doors and get my trinket into more shops....I am still waiting to hear from the buyers at two other places.

idea for my own panic room

Saturday, was filled with submission panic attacks, making silkscreens and then going to an event in the nearby town.The event on Saturday night is part of the art salon group I am part of. We go to a new venue each time and hear lectures from artists, or designers or curators about how they do things. This evening we heard a lecture from a painter, who is the mentor of our host. The Host is an amazing painter and he is an eccentric lecturer. I joined about 30 other women in a "screening room" in the house (It was another MANSION overlooking the ocean) and we listened to what I can only in reflection describe as a performance art piece. I had a notebook and was I glad I took one. The painter had two glasses of liquid; one whiskey, one water-liquid courage I would assume. He spoke of the creative process and at the mid point it became a stream of conscienceness conversation with the ether and I figured there was going to be a gem in there someplace...I mean think about how brilliant you are when you get intoxicated and have epiphanies! I also started to have a giggle fit and used my notebook as a way to avoid laughing out loud! I was sat between a curator and a painter and needed to act like a lady and not a child...while I scanned the room, others were stunned or dozing.
It was AMAZING.
The painter kept saying no one believed him and he BEGGED us to believe him about his theory.
This is what I wrote down:*

All artists have a rational capacity/rational facilities

these have tyrannical mechanisms

where we have internal dialogs of destruction in unnamed numbers of ways.

The Unspoken unnamed "one" is the creative force.

You are creativity itself, it can not be any other way!

It will take you two years of work to let go and be who you are,

and then you will not know what you are doing, but you know who you are.

Struggle gives you authority, suffering drains you and destroys you.

Struggle through your work...don't suffer.

and the key to mastering any creative feat:

slow down

repeat often

be mindful

and

slow down more

 

After the lights came on, I thanked the host, passing her Rembrandt etching, and Picasso drawings, walked under her Venetian glass chandeliers and returned my glass to the marble topped counter kitchen sink. I was escorted out by her kind husband who lit the way for us as the "landscaping wasn't done yet, so there were no lights yet" on their terracotta slabbed steps to the driveway.

 I sat quietly in my dark car, on a dark road thinking,

"what the hell was that!?"

Then I drove to get dinner and drove home, in the quiet of the night, watching storm clouds and listening to my new favorite CD.

As I distance myself from the event, I realize WOW there were some gems in there.

AMAZING indeed

Bang Bang

Thanks everyone for the kind encouragement about my shop owner experience. I mentioned it to my businesswoman's group and it was agreed that I was on the right path, and for the price I am selling my trinket, it is silly to ask for exclusivity.

The shop owner is looking at the other shop and will get back to me.

I am TOTALLY fine with that.

Plus I have two other shops I will visit once the following task is under way to a whirlwind speed!

xoxo

you ladies are the best

***

 

I finally broke through the creative wall and have begun the long and never ending task of submitting artwork for this years exhibition schedule. Thank goodness, on both counts!

 

It requires creating a lot of new passwords and user names, as most places are now only doing online submissions and then the shipping follows after you know if you are in or not. It reduces the amount of CD's that arrive to a juror and they can instead look at a computer monitor and select a show.

 

 

I would say this first collected stack has a 50/50 send in/ do online ratio...

I do see far more online ones coming in though. It is easier if you can constantly think of names and then keep track of it all...

It is a good way to spend a day, the hum of my lightscribe etching my name into a CD and the smell of a highlighter and tea.

I hope to get back to the press VERY soon and get some new work created too....until then.

I am here, with magnified glasses planning my year!

Testing the waters

The Barreness doing shock treatment

So yesterday I was tested, well, I was challenged for sure!
I mentioned before about these little trinkets I make; well someone decided they wanted to throw a wrench into the works and ask to be the only shop to carry my little trinket things.
I spent the day wrought with anxiety:
I had already delivered and committed to a shop, a new lovely shop, and this other well established shop was trying to take the monopoly over the whole downtown zone, and my abilities to sell anywhere else nearby too!
I felt stuck. I felt sad, I felt very UNHAPPY

I drafted several emails and went home still not sending a response. When I got home, I asked The Barren if I could read him what I had written, he said sure. I read what I had written out loud to The Barren- who was also sorting things in the kitchen. Then he said "I think you are imagining this, it doesn't sound so bad".  I about collapsed into a pool of tears! I took several deep lungfuls of air and visualized myself stepping back from the chaos that was swirling at my feet.
The Barren mumbled something about "I changed your mood, I think I made things worse."
At that I opened up, calmly but defiantly and said:
"I Feel like I was asking for your attention and you didn't engage in what I was saying and then when you did you defended the other person and not me. You are always suppose to be on my side." He was shocked to say the least, I mean he was rinsing lunch boxes and opening a beer and apparently Pandoras box too.

I told him I would no longer ask for his help on this matter, that I would figure it out on my own. "Please lets not talk about it anymore."

I took a few more gulps of air, changed into my pj's and plunked back onto the couch. Then I calmly turned to him and said: " I am not feeling very happy right now, I think what it all comes down to, is that, I don't want to sell to this shop exclusively." I started to laugh, at the sound of my own voice, and then mentioned to him, how silly this all was in reflection, I am freaking out over a small thing, a trinket.  " I am just so afraid of making a bad choice, the wrong choice, that it paralyzes me. In the big picture, this is not the end of the world. "
If I make a bad choice will you still love me?

I wrote this email response this morning:

Hello Shopowner,

I try and place my work in unique venues but, I make sure they are not the same types of stores.
I have committed with shop#1, so I am standing by that commitment.They are close-by but, specialize in only handmade items.

At this time, I am not able to offer you exclusivity of the product.

I am sure you can understand that as an artist, my job is to get my work seen by many different types of viewers.
This is indeed a unique item for visitors and locals, so making sure that it is available to many different types of shoppers is paramount to its success.

I do hope we can still work together.

Thank you again,
The Barreness

After hitting the send button, I felt lighter, brighter and happier. I was standing my ground, being true to myself and honest about my feelings to not only the potential client but myself.

Along the bunny trail

So I am still hopping along this bunny trail.

I am working on being HAPPY.

Like the deep, real kind of happy, it sounds silly when I say those words like they don't really reflect the way I am working on changing my essence.

I do indeed feel daily that I am making choices to be happier.

 

I am able to let go of the small stuff A LOT easier

Example:

(cause what is the point of saying small stuff when you have no idea what is now small stuff to me)

I sell a little trinket locally to a shop that is smack dab in the center of the tourist zone.

Great gig, a little cash every month...

Well, she decided to close up shop and I only found out because I called to check stock.

She didn't call to let me know to pick up the final pieces.

That is my job I know, but it was strange.

Needless to say, normally I would be angry about how the shop-owner dealt with it and grieve that

I am now without this little extra cash.

Monies I use to enter art shows with or buy a splurge item.

 

Instead I wondered if it was worth it to still pound the pavement and distract myself with making these trinkets for tourists. One of the things I did was join a business group and I consulted a fellow shop owner, she responded so strongly that I should continue, that I made three times the amount of them (so I have plenty of stock) contacted a new shop and I am visiting today to try stock there.

I am also stopping by an additional shop to speak with their buyer.

I didn't let any of it stick...I just kept moving.

 

I also met with a fellow artist for lunch, I know her, but I don't KNOW her.

It was a new thing for me, I am being SOCIAL.

I had a wonderful experience and the reason for meeting was that we were exchanging artworks!

Remember that BIG art thing from December, my goal post surgery to attend.

Well she is also in that exhibit and she mentioned opening night that she was in love with an artwork she had seen of mine from last year and wanted to buy it. I was floored and flattered and then had a stroke of genius...and listened to that little voice saying "ask her "

I asked her if she would be willing to exchange artworks instead of monies?

I had this vision of our home being filled with works by my peers and how cool would that be!

Then The Barren and I could be like Herb and Dorothy except taller.

Much to my surprise she agreed.

I framed my work, she brought her painting and we now have each other on our collectors list.

During this lunch she pushed pretty hard for me to leave my "other job" and simply pursue my art full time plus...she gave herself as an example and how when she left her job her work and interest in her work tripled! I love that idea and want that too, but I have yet to figure out how that can done financially. I kind of got the impression that she is not a paycheck to paycheck kind of gal to begin with...so I listened and took all the good things, ideas and visions she shared with me.

She very much would like to do a show with me...I would LOVE that!

I left the lunch feeling like there was a fork in the road (this is that moment daily when you choose)

I had two very clear feelings:

              1. I am a little fish in a big pond with lots to learn and you are no where near your goals yet.

2. You have another artist who adores your work, she sees value in it and you are working in the right direction! Keep on working hard girl!

 

I chose the second path....it felt better.

 

Slowly everyday I am making choices and feeding my 40%

Some things are harder to let go of, and feel free from.

My SIL posted a little newspaper clipping about how childfree people should understand why friends with children have no time for them. And when they do, their friends might not be the first call or fourth call, so just get over it. They are raising other people and you are not.

I wanted to say something to her, like WOW this from a woman who claims family is everything yet NEVER calls to say hello, or sends a thank you card for any of the gifts, love tokens, school purchases, or general kindnesses that are sent her way or the way of her children. Way to teach !

She constantly talks about how important morals are to her and how she is teaching those to her children. Apparently thank you cards are not moral or proper enough.

Clearly you can see this upset me, and I weighed the pros and cons of holding it...and decided I am letting it go....It doesn't make me feel good and I will continue to do what feels good to me.

" How people treat you is their karma, how you react is yours"

 

I am walking, and continuing to embrace my happiness, one little bit at a time.

**I am growing in some way, and I will do my best to not evangelize during the process...blogging is thinking out loud in many ways. Clearly if you find something I am doing beneficial to you, sweet!
Blind leading the blind.

New Eyes

OK two things...for some reason I can not load images...blogger is farting or something
and I ramble a little but, I think in the end I make a point.
**************************

So it is the new year, I still haven't sent our holiday cards...or thank you cards...

I am working on the later a lot more than the holiday ones.

 

I think I am sifting through the emotions and feelings of what it really means to have stage four endometriosis and be a family of two. There have been moments in the past week or so when I get this real "real" moment. You know those moments, when you realize that one day you will die,

and all you have is now.

I get those enlightened moments often...I remember the first one was when I was walking alone on the beach with my family, I was in Junior High school and it hit me that I was not going to live forever, that one day I was going to cease. It scared the shit out of me and I think most of that night I spent terrified in bed, hiding under my covers trying to soothe myself back into that lull of everyday living.

 

This new year has been waves of those moments.

The "wait! Can I get a do-over? I really wanted this or that to happen when I was much younger"

and "I don't have time for this bullshit, I am moving forward...to the next great thing."

 

I got the Barren a gift certificate to the local museum to see the space shuttle, I have found that no matter his mood, this man has a gitty boy inside that explodes with glee and light when around space ships, airplanes and all things science. I wanted him to fill that reserve, so we went today. I am not a huge space and engine sort of gal but it was interesting, really wild and it kept my attention and lit some curious questions.

This same museum also has an ecosystems permanent exhibit. One of them was the kelp forest: I became that little girl, totally hypnotized and quiet. Standing before the floor to ceiling seawater tanks, watching sharks and schools of flickering fish, eels hissing from rocks and kelp swaying in sunlight.
Whenever I get that panic of "I'm not going live forever" I think of floating under the sea, being carried by the waves and swimming with the turtles and fish and it calms me.

 

This museum was filled with children, but in all honesty I don't remember any of them. I was not distracted by watching them, or caught dreaming about having them. There was a moment when I heard a child screaming from one of the far off exhibits and I turned to the Barren and mimicked the screaming child but instead of frustration, I had made it into a battle cry...like heck ya, I am awesome! I turned it into something that was funny to me, it made him laugh and it made something that normally upset us into something about us and no one else.
 

 I spent the night watching documentaries and eating leftover Italian food on the couch. One of the films was about measuring happiness. It was an interesting film...there were a few points that I found personally interesting from all the psychologists that were interviewed:
1. tragic events often allow people to become happier
(the example they had was a woman who literally lost her face in an accident and she explained how letting go of the friends that couldn't handle her injury allowed her to free herself.)
2. people have a baseline level of contentment...that accounts for 50% of your measured level.
Another, 10% comes from external measures, like work and status etc...
and then we have 40% of which we control with actions!
AMAZING...almost half our own happiness is based on internal choices.
3. the most rewarding "food source" to that internal choice was acts of kindness....
helping others, as simple as that! Not huge acts like funding a school or sponsoring a research project.
Something like, helping someone carry something. Telling someone they look nice, bringing dinner to a friend who is sick. Little acts make up a HUGE part of our happiness.

It made me feel like I was building in the right direction: love bombs, food to friends, planting flowers for neighbors...I am building my own happiness. I can have power of things that make my life what it will be now. Today these concepts sounds huge and bright and hopeful. I drank a little too much at New Years, but I was telling 2012 to get the hell away from me she was quite a little bitch. 2013, I have plans for you, and it involves a lot more happiness for myself and my life and our future.
Today I am not going to die and tomorrow is not a good day either!

 

Love to you all

 

I have my spiked cider and gingerbread in hand...toasting you all and wishing you a sweet and intoxicating holiday.

May the road be less bumpy from here.

xoxoxox

Thankful Thursday

It is thankful Thursday again and I am feeling good and thankful and still serene

...but maybe a little tired.

 

My Brother (I forgot his title, I think I called him the Earl) has a "Mayan calendar countdown clock" on his desktop here at work and every time he is at his desk he announces how many more hours until the end of the world.

If he has calculated right, it will be sometime around 2 or 3 am, so I will be with who I want to be with for the end of time....if it happens.

For that I am thankful.

 

We had three "earthquakes" here this morning...being a native to earthquake land, I went into drop and cover mode without a thought and waited for the earth to continue to shake...it didn't...

and then the news agency released an

" official statement" from the U.S. Geological Survey telling the local  News the shaking and boom seems to have been caused by a "sonic signal not an earthquake." He continued to say that the object is most likely an aircraft heading north and that preliminary reports show it reaching 2,000-plus miles per hour.

Then three military helicopters flew over the area and then

Shortly there after, there was a statement from the Local Air Force Base stating there were F-22's doing things along the coast.

The conspiracy theory's are all over the place right now...

I am thankful I am heading home soon...and away from the crazies.

 

but a little concerned that there will be a whale washing ashore soon or a pod of dolphin showing up somewhere wrong because of these "signals" *sigh*

 

I decorated the house last weekend, we have a tree that smells yummy and is covered with handmade ornaments. The twinkle lights are up and the holiday picture cards are coming in...little faces amongst images of my aging friends.

 It doesn't seem to hurt so much looking at those families...this year...

I am thankful for my quiet home, my obsessive cats that demand time from us

and space to relax on our laps.

I am thankful for the ability to make our own chaos and make bad food choices

I am thankful to sleep in late and spoil other peoples children

I am thankful to have a little extra coin to give to others and make cookies for neighbors

I am thankful for The Barren, loving me to uniquely and deeply.

 

I am thankful this Thursday

So if tomorrow is the end of the world, I am glad I had this place and time.

If not, The Barren owes his college roommate $20

 

 





Silence

I woke up early to bake a pie on Friday, as I needed to go into the "big city" to pick up some artwork. I was in a light mood and was keeping busy.

I turned on the news and texted The Barren and then the news hit...and I sat there in shock.

I felt the same way watching the news come in on September 11th....

glued and scared to leave for fear something worse would happen.

What could be worse...

as the news was pouring in, I sat there in a puddle of my own tears

and the first thing that came to mind was:

At least one of those children was an assisted pregnancy.

I felt so deeply for those parents.

I don't know if that is the case, I just went there first.
I guess that is how I connected to those children, and their parents.

 

I have stayed away from the news all weekend, instead spending time with The Barren smiling and loving each other.

Both of us fearful of seeing anymore...our hearts can not bear the loss.

 

This morning as I was waiting for my hot caffeinated drink, I picked up the Wall Street Journal and it had published the faces of those lost.

It took all my power to not collapse into a puddle at the sight of those faces.

As calmly as I had picked up the paper, I placed it back into the rack...heartbroken and at all loss.

I have returned to my mantras, and my projections of love.
I feel compelled to push energy into the air, like I want to push the pendulum in the opposite direction, using all my will and strength...if I can just smile more, hug more, touch more it will mean something. In someway.

Wordless Wednesday

camera phone images from last weekends AMAZING opening night

I will write more about it later:

 

Marquee wall
(one piece can be seen in the square black frame)

view of second piece from the crowd
(I marked it with a little red dot, as it sold shortly after the show opened)

opposite side of the gallery...packed as well

people pointing at my work

view of the waning crowd after two and a half hours
(camera shot overhead)

 



The Ball on Thankful Thursday

Tonight is the BIG art event that I made my "goal" to be ready for

when I was preparing for surgery and visualizing the future beyond the event.
I am feeling a lot like myself...plus still euphorically grateful and mellow.
 

I'm not gonna lie, I spent a good portion of last night going through outfit options...

I even stopped at a shop I had seen a cute skirt at months ago thinking "why not get something new?" The skirt I had seen was long gone...and so I went home to look through my options.

What I settled on is a pencil skirt and retro sweater....black and black with a white collar.

Slim fit, and I had to just let go of the fact that, although I feel lighter, there doesn't seem to be an outward reflection of that. I will wear my glee as the shinny accessory!

I am a classic hourglass/pear girl...considering that I come from thick stocked women that are all shaped like apples my pear shape is an anomaly.

I recently recall  hearing an interview that studied people and how they responded to certain shaped people. Hourglass/pear shaped women made people evoked associations with power and sexuality.

I used that as a mantra to love my body even more.
I was able to finally get the last glue to give up it's hold on my skin and it revealed my new button.
I now have an innie AND an outie!
Another new element for my rebirth!

 

Tonight is work: socializing mixed with business. It involves a lot of talking about methods of making and expressions of emotions, processes. Purpose and drive, vision and execution.

I have to be very present and very engaged.
The last two years I have been part of this event have been like old school New York art openings. There are three to four people between you and the work, the place is packed and filled with energy and beautiful people. Amazing people watching, and electricity!
 

It also requires a lot of your body, in social parties there is often a place to sit, or a little rest spot to escape to. For me, I commit to the whole night, from open to close, I am there to talk about my work and learn who people are, how they are connected to each other, get cards and hear what they are seeing, making or thinking about work.

This evening will require me to be standing in heels on a cement floor for three plus hours being engaged and social. I have a few dear friends that are planning on coming up to see the circus.

I am excited about it, and when they said
"we know you are working so we will just wave"
I begged them to please not do that...as my friend you allow me to take a break,
 they will be the little seat and room to breathe.

I am so looking forward to what this evening celebrates, and marks for me.
I have made it, and it is gonna be a party from now on!

Winter

This western girl is happy that there has been rain recently.

My daydreams have me thinking about Paris and how magical winter can be in places

where there are seasons:

 

Waiting for that shoe

" the doctor will see you now Barreness"

 

I have yet to return to work, The Barren wanted me to take the full time and wait until I saw my doctor before heading back into the pit of chaos known as work.

These last few days have been filled with me trying to do more and more so that I could gain momentum, and the shock of a full workday and commute would be lessened.

I sat on my arse all day yesterday posting to my shop and writing a newsletter to my collectors and art colleagues so I am still relevant.

 

I am mostly trying to not think about tomorrows doctors appointment.

I really have no idea what to expect or what to prepare for.

 

The Viscountess came over the day before yesterday and spent the day here, she was a brave cowgirl and sat as passenger as I took to the wheel for the first time in two weeks. I ran some errands and she kept me company. It was nice, it kept me light and I felt like I could spoil her a little by picking up lunch and we sat and chatted as we ate.

I had left the room when her cell phone rang and only returned to hear her say to the person on the other end:

" well, we had a thing with our daughter. Yes, we thought she had ovarian cancer, but thankfully that was not the case. but they were able to tell her why they couldn't conceive.
Yes I am with her now, I will call you later "

 

It was hard to hear those words; it was hard to hear her have to say them.

This morning I got out of bed, tried not to puke and then took a shower.
As I had yet to see the doctor I still had to follow orders of:
 "not letting the spray directly hit your incisions"
Shower time is like twister...lots of bending into shapes that are not normal.
I got dressed and was able to button my jeans and headed to the appointment arriving ten minutes ahead of time. I was placed into a room that took my breath away:

creepy and very prepared for splashes

I was told to undress from the waist down and wait for the doctor on that chair.

It was icky and I was left alone longer then I should have been.

My doctor arrived and I mentioned to her " this is quite a room"

she agreed...and then went to tell me about the results.

I have stage four Endometriosis, she said

"you pretty much have really horrible horrible endometriosis"

She went on to tell me how my tubes are suppose to be in front of my uterus but they are behind it and twisted and fused to other bits of scar tissue. She went over the pictures she took with me.

I thanked her for saving my ovary and she was gracious about that.

I asked if any pathology was done on the cyst and she said yes:

It all came back benign and no signs of cancer.

I was happy....

then she mentioned again my fertility, my mood went into " mask mode"

She told me that although there was soooo much scar tissue, there was really nothing she could do to improve my chances of conceiving. She was sorry about that, she then said " you kind of got a double whammy, with this level of endometriosis and the septum in the uterus..."

I told her I understood and thanked her.

She assured me that I was calling the shots, that unless another cyst formed (which is decreased now that I am on BCP) there is no need for further surgery. She mentioned that if pain returned she had a three stage plan to address it and the last step is chemical menopause, not hysterectomy.

In some ways I was glad to hear that.

I just need to stay on BCP until menopause...which I wonder how you would know that menopause had started if you are ...anyways...another topic for another day far off in the future.

She assured me that endometriosis was not hereditary and that if my niece complains of painful periods, push to get her on the pill to preserve her reproductive tract.

That will be an interesting day...she is only 8 now...but I will fight for her.

 

My button is starting to open, like a sick and twisted bud of a flower....

She looked at my incisions and agreed that I had a pool of surgical glue in my belly button and that I could pick at it if I wanted to...ick! and then said I was ok to go back to being me slowly.

When I asked if I could have sex, she asked me how many days since surgery? 14 today...yeah that should be fine if I felt like it.

I told her I was having the most amazing dreams...she laughed and said gotta love that little extra bit of estrogen....

I had a dream I was winning porn actress of the year and my parents were there, but I didn't want them to see me on stage so I kept coming out and telling them the updates of the awards show.

 it was STRANGE!

 

I left the appointment in a daze, shell shocked and not sure where to place all these feelings.

Grateful beyond words, for being cancer free...but devastated so deeply at the real gritty reality of my fertility. I wandered the mall alone for a couple hours just walking and window gazing. It seemed like an easy way to just walk it out, process bits...and not collapse into a puddle.

 

So much to process