Dreams have returned

So it appears that my pregnancy dreams have returned.

I awoke last week shaken to the core from a dream about our 

baby's spirit being taken by something evil.

I was conflicted in the dream by wanting it to be born so I could hold it, 

protecting it from evil

Protection won out in the end!

I told The Barren and he told me that a pure soul can not be 

taken by evil, as it would have to recognize it as evil to begin with.

or something like that...I had tears in m ears as I laid in bed in the dark of the morning.

I then had another dream that I was heavily pregnant and trying to simply move about.

I am not sure why these dreams have returned.

Why I need to re-live them AGAIN

I am seeking that answer

I am stuck in a creative rut as well...

and maybe they are connected.

Maybe I am really pregnant with ideas but afraid to make them appear.

I'll go with that for now.

It is less sad

and 

heartbreaking

Victory

I am not sure if I had anything to do with it....

but The Earl mentioned that my niece and nephew 

will most likely be getting the Gardasil vaccine.

I feel like I've survived through the battle of logic.

I would like to think, that all the information that I passed along to him from 

SOOOOOO many sources was of help.

I don't need credit for it...

Honestly...all that really matters is that

 my dear nieces and nephew are going to be protected.

I can sleep better with that knowledge.

Thank you for your kind words and help....

I knew I could count on you sisters!

xoxox

How can I....

So my brother (The Earl) asked me if I knew anyone who had inoculated their kids with Gardasil.

My heart started racing....

He then followed it with that his wife (The Countess) did not want to give it to their daughter....my niece!

She had seen that a girl got sick after the shot and now has totally shut down to the idea of giving my niece the shot. The Earl is researching online and asking people he knows.

I am being as neutral as possible, 

but inside I am SCREAMING! 

and wanting to slap some sense into The Countess or The Earl.

I have asked my granola friends, and my conservative friends, 

I have asked doctor friends and total strangers...and forwarded their responses to The Earl.

All of which have chosen to protect their sons and daughters from

 either transmitting or contracting HPV

It seems totally logical to me 

and being someone who had more than one cancer scare

knows people who have HPV and had cervical cancer

I don't seem to see the logic in avoiding any kind of protections

from this horrible disease that can ultimately KILL you!

I have stayed mum with my personal opinion 

as I know that I might get the "it is not your child" 

thrown back in my face during a heated and or emotional moment.

I don't think they are avoiding it because they can not imagine her being sexually active, 

but instead are simply scared of vaccinations.

Mind you they have gotten all the others....

What can I do

How can I speak or advocate for my nieces and nephews

without getting slapped?

Should I expect a slap...and just deal with it?

Should I risk my relationship with my SIL and brother...

Sign

How can I help?

Things I can do

So I have been busy with my personal self created to-do lists. 

Top on that list was (see I did it) updating my personal artist website.

My old website was managed and maintained by a friend...and by friend I mean ex-boyfriend.

I maintain a relationship with my ex, it has been over 25 years now.

The Barren has zero issue with this, and I am beyond thankful that one of the many fine qualities is that he understands that people mean something to me, and that my past comes with me.

 So having a relationship with my ex totally makes sense to him and he respects that.

We (ex and I) decided long ago that we could not throw away all the time we had spent together,
 so we would stay friends, plus it was the adult thing to do. 

I know that this is quite unique and makes some people very uncomfortable...but that is just a fact.

He decided to sleep with someone else, so I left him (had to get a jab in there somewhere)

 I met The Barren about 6months there after.

I am not going to say that we had a perfect relationship, or that this friendship has not be hard at times, but we both feel it is worth maintaining it.

We were young and said hurtful things, I lost myself in the process. Some of what was done/said has taken a long time to grow past or let go of...but time marched on and we seem to always go to one another for some sense of support or creative guidance.

His partner (the same one he was with when we were together) had a hard time getting on board with it, but has come to understand that this friendship is not going anywhere 

and it is not a threat to them or her.

Over the years the ex has helped me make creative decisions, and is a good editor and creative sounding board and reference guide. We help each other out with creative things as we seem to understand each other that way still.

I had been wrestling with website design options and he stepped in and researched all the pros and cons of each, helping me see the highlights of them. I get overwhelmed with minute details and he helped clear that up.

We had decided to met face to face to discuss the final player/options and styles etc...at a coffeehouse he'd never been to before...I had been emailing and texting with him constantly but had not seen him face to face in over two years! 

When the time came for us to meet, he was no where to be found...

I could feel my heart pounding and all these feeling from when I was a teenager came back...

he is blowing me off

he "forgot"

his partner had a tantrum and he is not coming

I texted The Barren and asked how long to wait...he responded that the ex is notoriously late, and to give it a half an hour. I paced in my mind while trying to maintain my composure in my seat...slowly sipping tea. When the half hour mark arrived I slowly packed up my things and decided to walk around the block, thinking I'd catch him just arriving or check another nearby coffee house that maybe he was there instead.

Turns out that he was, at another location...the first one we talked about meeting at...but changed from that place to the new one.

When he saw me, he gave me a look that made me feel like a silly 19yr old again...he was disappointed, frustrated and convinced that I had gotten it all wrong.

I took a deep breath maintained a smile and said, "I'm glad we found each other."

He said he had looked into the coffee shop I was waiting in but, didn't dare enter it as he had never been there before. So he returned to the original local assuming I'd be there.

(I was sitting at a table that was blocked by a stone column so he could not see me from the outside).

We walked back to the coffee shop I had just left, in time for me to continue finishing my tea (they hadn't even cleared the cup and pot yet)

He sat down and we began to catch up a little. I mostly listened, he was nervous and it was awkward...needless to say we chatted and switched to a smaller table when we realized we didn't need a wall plug as originally thought.

 The morning sun was out and beaming me right in the eye and side of my face...making me sit back farther and farther..the ex noted that he could see the sun beaming me, but that he was in the shade and so didn't stop conversation, it did make me realize a simple and sweet thing about The Barren*

The talk of the website was minor, as I had most of my ideas clearly set and when I had had enough of the sun and the conversation had turned to filler I offered to drive him home, so he didn't have to walk back. We drove back to his place, I dropped him off at the curb and waved goodbye.

I then proceeded to go home, set up my account, and begin designing the new website.

In the last week it has formed into a completed vision, that I made all on my own.

The kick start was a rough one, mostly filled with self doubt over my abilities, 

but that turned out to be smoke and mirrors and trick doors.

I even designed a new name logo....

I sent a link to the ex last night declaring that it was live, and he responded that it looked great!

I was quite proud of myself.

I feel as though I am free from a shadow.

Like his control over my web presence is no longer over me...

I have taken back control over me again.

I doubted my abilities but I was wrong....

I can do it, and well at that!

*The Barren always makes sure I am out of the sun, if I was at this table with The Barren, we would have packed up and moved to another with no words or fuss...just a matter of fact and no pause in conversation.

It is amazing how things from many years ago can still feel so fresh and accessible in our hearts.  

The ex has never wished any ill will on me and always expressed his desire that nothing come in my way, so I continue to pursue my art...in fact when I told him I was getting married, he wanted to make sure that The Barren would never snuff out my artistic desires or freedom of motion.

Then declared he was off to join the French foreign legion...hahaha

When I told him I couldn't have kids, he sent a sweet note that it was super sad, and wished it would be different for us.

He broke my heart 25 years ago, but in the middle of it all I had the strength to march onward with my head held high and find myself again and the person I was meant to spend my lifetime with. 

I am thankful, he in turn found his life mate too.

We have grown since then, said a lot of "I didn't mean that" and versions of "I'm sorry" and can now joke about things...

at least I can, in fact I still refer to a painting he gave me when we broke up as
"what I got in the divorce settlement"

I can hold my head up high, feel smart and do things without hesitation.

I can do all these things!

I have to remind myself

physical memories

So the new year has started and now we are almost done with this first month!

I am finding that I am experiencing a little struggle, mostly kicking myself into the right lane...

I made a list one morning while eating, trying to make it like an "automatic writing" experiment.

I only post it here so that I am reminded that these are the first things that came to mind and they are good ideas to strive for always...not just for this year.

 this is what I came up with:

be more present

be more honest & true

use kinder words in self talk

go to yoga as often as I can afford

make/experiment

stop comparing myself to others in stressful situations

read more books

embrace your laughter

paint your nails

learn to braid-for real

keep letting go

stop apologizing for nothing

make new friends/situations

do less home chores-you get lost in them

draw more

write more

be less afraid

I have found that "keep letting go" is the one theme I have revisited the most so far;

and I am finding that it is mostly in regards to physical things.

I cleared out my closet, and loving placed many items that I had emotional connections with into a box to give away.

I cleaned out under my bathroom sink and threw out the last pregnancy test I had squirreled away. 

I said out loud, I will never use you and get the answer I want.

Those seemed easy.

Today, while trying to clear out some studio clutter I came across these old pocket calendars.

I took copious notes in each, recording my daily appointments, birthdays, anniversaries and happenings, tracking my periods and noting my miscarriages.

I think I kept them as I didn't want to trow out these markers, like I was saving them for someone.

Today I chose to toss them into the recycling bin.

I carry these memories in my heart. I don't need to fear that I will loose them by throwing out the reminders of the dates. I can still carry those with me, regardless of where the original note is.

As for the Mudman of New Guinea, is a picture I cut from a travel magazine, 

they were on a bucket list many moons ago.

That too has faded into the past.

both are bittersweet, but not forgotten.

I have to remind myself of that.

Keep on going

I saw this today and it reminded me that I need to post something soon....

so here is a place marker

New Years Eve

I have been focusing on this concept.

In many facets of my life.

I think it is natural to want to assess the year as it winds out, 

I do it on my birthday too...the marker of time and accomplishments.

New years is always somewhat sad for me...I get really melancholy for some reason.

In reflecting on eve's gone by, I realize that I was always sort of sad...

maybe it is really the quiet that is reflection...and not sadness at all.

I have found that in these last few weeks I have been consciously letting go.

In petty arguments

in petty goals (no this has to go here....)

 in what I think I am right about, or wrong about 

There is a sweetness to letting go.

I feel less heavy in those moments, when I realize I am making a choice to be better

or more aware or less concerned.

When shit hit the fan many years ago, I sought help after feeling like I was falling into an abyss...

My therapist once played back my recording when I was looking for someone to help me

" Hi I just found out I can't have kids and I need help dealing with this. 

I feel lost and dark. Are you accepting new patients?"

Damn...that was raw and brave! Even in the face of the fire breathing Barreness, I stood there with my shield held high enough to not get charbroiled, and instead call for help.

In those dark days, I tried to find help in words...
and picked up When things fall apart. 
I liked the idea of a female monk helping me.
Many of her words did and although I didn't finish the book,
I took what I needed from it and walked further away from the Dragon.

"When things are shaky and nothing is working, we might realize that we are on the verge of something. We might realize that this is a very vulnerable and tender place, and that tenderness can go either way. We can shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality. (9)” 
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Hard Times

Letting go seems to have become a subtle theme for me this year.
I have had to learn how to let go of people
Many of whom have transcended this world this year...most unannounced
I have started to REALLY let go of my subtitles, and simply be me.
I am trying, all the time
At times it is exhausting, trying to be so self aware and present that I loose the starting point...
It is easy to get lost in this big wide world...but holding on tighter to EVERYTHING is not the answer. At least, it is not the answer for me.

I met with a friend that was moving away recently, she was super high on where she was moving.
That she was ending her broken marriage, and making her own path.
Manifest destiny
The whole dinner, she talked and talked and talked about this new city she was moving to
she had memorized all the neighborhoods and what events happened when and how she was going to try it all, even things she never did before.
I sat through this whole dinner listening, openly listening...not the kind of listen that you appear to be listening, but really you are planning your response or next sentence.
When she came up for a breath, it was time to go.
I hugged her goodbye, wished her well and walked to my car confused.
I was feeling something but wasn't sure what it was.
It took most the rest of the night and then I realized what it was.
We had grown in two separate ways, and we were not able to really relate anymore.
I came to a moment of peace, I figured it out and was proud of myself for it.

A similar thing happened over the holidays,
I met a friend that I was super close to from high school in through college
He met me before I had plans to meet some ladies for tea.
He piggybacked on the date so to speak...he lives on the other side of the country
we use to talk alllllll the time, then he got married and it happened less and less often.
Now it is down to a text message at our respective birthdays.
This holiday,he texted that he was in town and I should come over to his brothers place to hang out while his family got ready to leave and go to a nearby town to meet with other family.
Initially I was upset at how caviler he acted about the text.
The Barren holds anger towards him for dropping me like a potato.
Instead, I explained that I was meeting some friends nearby, so why not meet me there early and we can chat ahead of the tea....
He first said no and then said sure.
When he did show up, he got two sentences in before his wife showed up and sat down next to him and listened to the conversation. (she said hello to me but that was about it, it is pretty commonplace for her. She use to interrupt the talks saying it was time to go) then his brother and wife and kids showed up...our little talk was witnessed by my girlfriends who scurried off into the cafe while we had our "nothing conversation" and talk about the weather.
About ten minutes in he said, well you better get some tea...and with that we hugged goodbye and that was that.
When I joined my girlfriends they said " WHAT WAS THAT?!" claiming that I had a smile on my face the whole time but clearly he was uncomfortable. I explained that he use to be my best friend from age 15 and once he got married, his wife was dead set on making sure he stopped our friendship...so it has grown apart. He is now really just a guy I went to high school with that I know a lot about. They asked why I was smiling so much, I told them....I was glad to see him.
I sent a text to him later that day saying it was nice to see him
it is yet to be replied to.
Growth
No hard feelings, just understanding.

I am thinking about what I want for myself for this next year.
I am thinking that wanting things/goals for myself is not a kind of selfish that has a negative connotation, but instead is a way to allow see myself grow!
I am looking to improve my self talk
and my belief in self worth


Wishes for a many leveled, many bright
many wonderful wishes new year to you all
  

Time passes

As time passes I am finding myself identifying less and less as an infertile woman 

and simply a woman without children. 

Maybe those words place less blame, or guilt. 

Maybe that is simply growing.

I have even considered unsubscribing from some websites and blogs that are in the middle of their discovery. Not because I do not want to offer support but simply because it is energy I have spent and can not afford to spend any longer.

I guess this time passing, has distanced me from the central heart of the pain.

The pain is no longer raw

The pain only appears in small short moments.

I am no longer consumed by the monster

The Barreness seems to have stopped poking me

at least that is how it feels right now.

I had a successful exhibition, in fact I sold one of my pieces before the show opened 

and the other on opening night!

I felt like I was floating on a lily-pad, afraid to move to quickly 

and fall into the cold murky pond.

But it was real, I really did it.

A fellow art friend told me I was no longer allowed to feel surprised by my art sales.

I had sold work every year from that show and it was time to get over it.

I smiled

 and then told The Barren, over sake shots after the event, that I liked 

life surprises, and that not feeling a bit of shock and disbelief seemed unnatural for me.

I deserve this success, and I deserve to feel proud

but I also can enjoy the surprise and glee associated with a sale.

We have been running non stop for most of this month already,

social commitments and events.

Now we are done, and just have the holidays to figure out.

We went to our last social commitment last night and it was hosted by a painter friend who has a big show opening in New York on Tuesday. She filled her home with friends and family for an annual get together. Since last years event, she has had a baby and so have many of her friends. In fact at one point, the house was filled with little kids and toddlers screaming, running and slamming doors while two very patient boston terriers watched and avoided them. I sat on the couch with three friends across from The Barren who was chatting with the spouses of the the friends and found myself unconcerned about the chaos.

In fact, totally unfazed.

I didn't need to find my kid, or ask the kids to stop....

not my monkeys, not my circus

As we were gathering up to leave I looked down to put on my coat 

and saw a little green chair, with a pair of little shoes in it.

it was sublime and sweet and 

The Barren and I both just exhaled and moved on to saying our goodbyes

It is moments like that, that I realize that time has passed.

The moments of a magical childhood for our never to be child have begun to age.

We are learning to live life again, be who are suppose to be after all that we have been 

and all that we can still be.

I was that girl

"A 23-year-old American college student who was killed in the Paris attacks was described as a “gifted student” by her teachers and beloved by her friends.

Nohemi Gonzalez was killed Friday night at the bistro La Belle Equipe in Paris. She was spending time with friends when a gunman opened fire on the scene and fatally wounded her."

When I heard about the attacks in Paris I froze, I literally could not process anything at all.
                                                                         *******

Many years ago, when I was in my early 20's I was a student studying in Paris, living out my dream of being an artist in the epicenter of my creative forefathers and foremothers. Eating bread and canned peas. Going to the museum everyday, drawing and dreaming and learning who I was and what I wanted from life and for myself. Kissing boys and crying and laughing. 

I was that girl who went to a concert in Paris, and got caught in a mosh pit and thrown to the ground, tossed from the chaos yet, alive fwith fear and desire for excitement. 

I was that girl who ate in a cafe and ordered an omelette in her best version of French.

I was that girl who smelt the night air and felt the magic of the city

I was that girl

And I am that very same girl, shaken to my very core when I heard what happened.

I cried a lot and wondered if that magic had been taken away

I felt as though something had blown up my memories of the sweet, 

nostalgia of the city of light

Someone had taken a dreamer away, pulled her from this earth before she could finish her dreams

I felt

I could imagine

I mourned a stranger

I mourned all the dreamers and strangers who were simply

living that night. Living and dreaming and hoping for more wonderful.

I am those girls

I am those boys

I am those children

Wordless Wednesday

Source

The tides have turned

If Buzzfeed can post this

I know the world has begun to shift...

someday soon, there will be no more shame!

Loss

This resonated so deeply in me

“I lost a baby at the end of May. I was just a little over two months into the pregnancy. I wasn’t showing or anything. And I hadn't announced the pregnancy yet. So I don’t think that the baby seemed real to anyone else. But it was real to me. Every time I passed a children’s store, I’d look in the window and smile. I began to look closely at all the different types of strollers people were pushing down the street. I bought a little monkey for the baby that I carried around with me. I started planning our life together. Then one day it felt like someone was stabbing me in the lower abs. I went to the doctor, and they told me that I’d had an ectopic pregnancy, and the baby was lost. I felt really alone afterward because most of my friends hadn’t even known the baby existed. They couldn't understand how I felt. Part of it was my fault. I didn’t want to talk about it. Yet I still expected everyone to understand."

Story and Photo via Humans of New York

Remembering Death and Life Lived

I had been wanting to go to an event in a nearby major city for several years now, but never had the right timing or drive. So when a buddy called and said she'd drive and wanted to go right after they opened I cleared my schedule and said I'll buy your ticket!

It turned out to be just what I needed and 

aside from a set of scabs from my new sandals it was a great day!

The Dia de Los Muertos festival takes over whole sections of the cemetery 

it is a mix of altars and memorial structures and vendors selling all things related to the holiday.

There are face painters and food vendors too.

Live music, native dancers and people

AMAZING people watching!!

I celebrate this holiday, as it is the anniversary of The Barren and I getting married.

We purposely chose this day, as it is when the veil is the thinnest between the two worlds 

( the living and the dead)

so we knew that anyone of our loved ones could attend the wedding if they choose to.

It is also around the same time as the first of our miscarriages.

So I feel like our babies can feel our love the most around now.

It is a good cathartic way to celebrate, remember and mourn loved ones.

It is all in the spirit of love

and who could not love that !

I took my camera and the below are some of the fun results

Girlfriends all dressed for the day
(everyone was willing to have their photo taken, no one said no)

Jaguar dancer looking at some of the altars

crazy face painting!

Some famous cool dudes are buried here

LOVED her headpiece,
it sparkled and was amazing dancing with the light

Cat memorial in the wall of marigolds
this broke my heart and had me close to tears
I was glad The Barren was home with our lovelies

A Frida Kahlo sculpture complete
with a reproduction of her chest cast and lost baby.
I wanted to take this home.

Your favorite leaf eater
with one of the many paper mache sculptures
it was 90* (32c) , hence the sleeveless top

I took away a lot of ideas for our personal altar this year.

I was able to be quiet most of the day and just look, which was a gift beyond words.

I have a couple friends that understand quiet doesn't mean that I don't want to talk to you, but instead I am talking so much to myself I can't bear to say words aloud.

Working on the railroad

I have been working on me

Trying to figure out what makes me tick: what makes me mad

and what makes me happy?!

you know, nothing deep or anything.

I have found myself looking through old photographs and re-remembering what I was thinking,
how I was feeling in a way trying to gauge if I have grown at all?

I am looking at little parts of my life.
Mental health, how I deal with situations, or not deal with situations.
Am I sleeping better or worse
Am I thinking better or worse.
What I have figured out so far
is that I've gone to over 330 classes 

this is the most devoted/dedicated/addicted I have been about any extra curricular activity in my WHOLE life. On the flip side,

I am learning to be OK with taking a day off here and there:

sometimes that 4am alarm is just too much

 I find that when I go back after a day or two off, I have a renewed sense of desire, drive or insight into why I go. I say good morning to several people now and when class is over I am thankful that I have spent the energy in class and for myself.

I am happy to announce that two publication have contacted me and will be publishing a piece of art in each of their publications. I wish it meant that I got a check to at least reimburse me for the monies put out, but the hard reality is that it doesn't. I will get a "by" line and a little snippet about who I am published in the books/zines and then it will be out in the universe for all the internet eternity.

My big hope is that it will vibrate back in a bigger better way for us.

I am pinning some hopes on that.

Onto baby things:

My friend with the new baby texted to say that she hadn't seen me in a while and asked if I wanted to come over. The Barren and I stopped by for a quick moment on the way to get some grub. I brought over some cat costumes as options for her kid to wear this Halloween. When we walked in she gave me a hug asked how I was and then said "do you want to hold him?" I looked at the perfectly content baby who was looking at himself in the mirror next to his crib and said " he looks so engaged, and so content. Not right now" I think the fact that I have yet to hold her baby is freaking her out. Some parts of me want to be the peacemaker and just hold him to get it over with, while a majority of me doesn't feel compelled to pick him up, so why force myself.

I think this will be a struggle for a little bit longer.

for both of us

Meanwhile, another woman from class asked if I wanted to go to tea after class to learn a little more about each other.
She had come into class last week and crouched down beside me before the session started and declared that women with children are crazy, and aren't we glad we didn't have any!

I listened to what she was saying and then told her that 

I was actually childless by circumstance not by choice. 

We had actually tried to create a family for 8years, 

but now I am working on my "do-over" portion of life.

She was quiet and unsure what to do, so we just did yoga after that.

At tea the following week, it was a strange conversation about how she was financially secure and successful, able to live where ever she wants because she made sacrifices and tough choices when she was younger. She is not sentimental about things and will be traveling for the next couple of months until just before Christmas and then she'll be around for another few months.

I should join her for coffee again.

It was strange, but I am glad I went for some reason.

I guess I am growing and changing.

I am often afraid for stagnation, but after thinking this all out here

it looks like a am really growing

but not growing up thank goodness:

yes, cosmic kitty yoga pants
I am that girl
I am that mature

Meditation for myself

This was read to us this morning as class was beginning.

I found it to be a great reminder, for our own lives and transformations

I am the decisive element

I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element.

It is my personal approach that creates the climate.

 It is my daily mood that makes the weather.

I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous.

I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration,

 I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations,

 it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated,

and a person is humanized or de-humanized.

If we treat people as they are, we make them worse.

 If we treat people as they ought to be,

we help them become what they are capable of becoming.

by Goethe 

Slowly churning

***babble***

OK so we visited the baby and his mama is calling him by the nickname I had dreaded....I have found myself calling him baby, or his full given name. She is being very empathetic when we are there. Making sure it is only us and not a crowd or others that would be oohing and aaaahing.
She told me to tell her when I was ready to hold him, and that she won't ask again if I want to hold him. I thought that was incredibly kind.

So that helps.
In many ways I am thankful to not have to be there emotionally (new mother) at this point in my life. I am less raw, but still tender...if that makes sense.

I have been focusing on the upcoming gallery season and making as much art as I can muster.

I have even requested a day off so that I can just do my work for another day; not having to switch my brain from one job to another. Even skipping yoga in the morning to make it a full run.

 It took over two years, but I now know the names of several people that I have been in class with, as I introduced myself and they in turn have done the same.

We are far from friends, but friendly and it is so much nicer to say someones name when you say good morning. At least I like to say it that way, it acknowledges that I see them and that for at least that moment in the day you are not invisible.

One of the ladies is a mother of two, and when I first met her declared that she loved her kids but they drove her insane sometimes....I laughed and assured her that I held no judgement of her, in fact I respected her honesty.

She friended me on social media and mentioned recently that her husband brought home pet rats when he was out picking up the kids from soccer practice. I chimed in that pet rats were great pets for kids and that she might find them to be adorable after a little time.

She responded that when I choose to have kids she'd get me a couple for a baby shower gift.

I was taken aback and sort of rattled by her response....I know she was being funny...but it is frustrating and pathetic that after all these years I have to conscientiously, remember to have a sense of humor about things sometimes. How sad is that.

After all this time a wounded person shows up first and then I have to remind them that we are not wanting the pain anymore, so put on a party hat and remember to smile.

Ugh....

lifelong remnants of infertility

I am also finding myself looking at my body in the mirror with less anger...and more acceptance

I wonder what will happen when I enter menopause, how will it change

I wonder if it is stronger than before, even when I feel stronger I wonder if I really am.

I am more thankful for the way my body moves now and in fact so thankful that I just bought myself a pair of shoes that are good for my feet! I usually get the cheap pairs in BOGO sales and half of them eat holes into my ankles and others just leave me with throbbing heels after the day is over. 

My knee has been bothering me and aside from sleeping with a leg brace, and being VERY aware of how I move it I started thinking maybe my years of cheap shoes are catching up...so I got a pair of Earth shoes and will use them instead of my go to flip flops and knockoff Toms

What a grown up idea....

I have a lot of hopes pinned on this seasons' gallery time, in fact I am doing the crawl tonight and wearing a dress and putting my mind in the right place for talking and smoozing.

The Barren has work commitments, so I am going it alone.

I have been submitting still, and waiting while trying to not think about waiting for results.

I have been trying to let my brain stretch, and wander...

explore new processes and concepts.

I have been trying to remind myself that this is it...there are no do-overs with today...it is here and now and I need to make the most of them.

I feel like I am still holding myself back and I wonder why I am not allowing my self to walk to cliffs edge or jump higher or stay longer or dive deeper....

Do you find yourself holding yourself back, unconsciously?

I wonder if it is left over from years of IF or simply who I am?

Everyday I am trying to crack the code...and make sense of this all

Making white noise

So the very pregnant friend had her baby on Monday.

It was a boy, turns out the name they picked out was also the same name The Barren and I had selected for our wished one. It is not a common name so when I heard that was the name selected for a boy I did my best to hide my emotions and possession of the name,

When they announced that they would shorten the name to Gus I was relieved as that is not the love name we have used to shorten the given name...we had picked auggie.

Well, this morning she posted on social media that

 "Auggie was off to see the doctor for the first time since breathing air"

My heart sunk again and now I am struggling with hearing a name that I had held so deeply

and so silently in my heart for years.

How do you give away the name? 

Allow it to float away from your heart and the dreams that you had to say it to your own?

I have yet to visit...I am not sure I am ready yet.

They live just across the road so we can't use distance as a reason for not being there yet.

Until I am ready, more stable on m feet and in my heart.

I will make white noise and hold off

hold my heart

whisper my wishes

a musical interlude

I love this

it whispers to me somehow

I can still hear it over my 

everyday chaos

Today, tomorrow and many years ago

Today is the 11th of September

it is a big number here in the states.

It leaves me a little unsettled.

I was working at a company that distributed maps when the actual events unfolded 

and for the next year and a half my life was totally changed.

First we got calls from the military 

asking what we were selling and who could buy it.

Then we got calls from the news agencies from all over the world.

Then calls from military families often crying on the phone line asking, 

where these countries

 were that their loved ones were going to.

There were times when we had to call the FBI 

as some calls were requesting very specific kinds of details on maps.

Those were hard and scary.

I know it was best that I walked away from that job when I did.

I was scattered and emotionally spent.

Then in 2006, on this same day
before sunrise, 

and with heavy labored inhales I watched the final breath

 of my beloved grandmother.

She was in her bed, surrounded by family, completely on her own terms.

I had visited and spoken to her two days before.

We just told each other over and over that we loved each other.

It is a beautiful memory above the heartbreak.

This morning, before the sun rose

I got up and shimmed myself into my yoga clothes.

I drove into town for class and watched the sun rise as I 

took deep purposeful breaths with her in my heart.

She died from her lungs filling up...so every time I think of her last moments 

I try and send full complete breathe to her.

I always imagine that would have been the most compassionate thing to give.

A deep breath.

Tomorrow is my nephews birthday, he was born a year later

Life goes on

and on

Being a grown up

So with this crazy lull in my work at the second job and my sluggish progress with my art...I am left with distractions on EVERYTHING else in life.

I had set up an IRA when I left my last traditional job and thought that over time it would work like a saving account and grow a little money over time, like dust but in dollars. 

With distractions running amuck, 

I figured I'd spend some time trying to dust it off and get it gathering more funds.

I went to set it up and then discovered that I hadn't logged in since I set it up almost 7 years ago...

so I got to speak with people on the phone that sound like they just got out of high school.

When the guy on the phone asked what my goal was, I explained that I wanted to add a little money to "water the account" and 

by the way what is the minimum monthly investment for auto-deposit?

He told me and I told him that I was pretty sure that was doable.

He asked what other investments I had.

I (didn't laugh out loud) but instead said this is the whole enchilada.

I am a working artist, so this is what I have been able to squirrel away.

I could hear his voice change as he understood he was not talking to someone who had money but instead someone who had a LONG way before calling this a retirement account.

He was kind and mellow and is sending me a dictionary worth of information to read.

I can't stand being a grown up sometimes!

Other times there are benefits like eating whatever you want 

and staying up way past your normal hour

 or 

drinking

I wonder if things would have been different if  there was a kid in our lives?

I doubt it.

It takes us forever to make choices, 

our friends often giggle at us because of it.

Here are some examples:

We have still not painted any of our walls since this place was built in 2003.

The Barren wants to paint a sunrise to sunset on the ceiling from one side of the house to the other...
I don't. 

We had paint chips taped to the walls for 6 months...but never revisited the idea of color.

We are all about resuscitating things, when we have bought new things they end up not working well for us, so I think we are gun shy at jumping in with both feet.

We got a new mattress two years ago and about 7 months in, it developed a ridge right below the pillow line, like it exploded under the surface...sigh.

It still works as a place to crash, but we feel like we made a bad choice.

We need a new screen door, our beloved kitty bent the frame when he crashed into going after a little bird on the patio. We have nursed it to realign the wheels and pop it back onto the track over and over and over again.

We need a new dishwasher, so last November we pulled it cleaned it, replaced all the hoses and put it back to use....it still works but it needs to be updated for sure. when it runs it is so loud you have to leave the room to have a conversation because it is so loud.

This grown up thing is overrated.

Do you ever feel like, Fuck it I just don't want to deal with this and it won't kill me or anyone else if I just don't deal with it today or for a while...?

I feel like that today.

I am cooked with this grown up thing.