My apparent Achilles heel

Friday morning is a wild one.

My teacher on Friday is a guy who really loves 80's music.

He makes his own mixes and is a former gym rat so there is often some random cardio thing thrown into the normal rotation of salutations and poses.

Most mornings I giggle to myself remembering where I was or what life was like when I hear the songs. Mostly Jr High and High school...torment!!

The songs are often heavy on emotion and fluffy, ya know a good 80's John Hughes film kind of thing.

Last week he threw in a vintage Michael Jackson song:

http://youtu.be/yURRmWtbTbo?list=PL6F87DB8C3DF6BC47

I was amused and glad to hear an old school MJ song that I remember from childhood. 

I smiled during the flow and nodded my head, tapped my hands.

This morning though, this morning was different.

I got to class early, had a little small talk with the teacher about this cool article I saw, and sat in the room before class to warm up with the room.

I was breathing and thinking about how sleepy I still was, but was here to do my best.

I don't have to be good at it, I just have to do.

The class filled up, each of us in our places and we started the warm up...the music started and I felt a twitch. Then I started to smile...and I lost count of my breath.

What was happening?!

Over the speaker system was this song and then the dance mix of this song followed

Before I could do anything, she burst forth....

he had found my apparent Achilles heel and my inner 13 year old self could not contain her joy and glee and as I pressed into my down-dog she began to sing along with the music!!

She knew all the words and dance moves.

How embarrassing, she was totally embarrassing me....

I could see her dancing around the room to the song and singing to herself in her bedroom mirror.

I checked my reflection and although I was only mouthing the words 

 my inner teenager was making a scene ....

finally I just let her play 

Why was I trying to stop her?

I watched her set free her joy and it was amazing

Just because

Just because

source

Wild Heart

a kind of free thought post...

So The Barren is working elsewhere this week and I am home and left to my own devices.

I mention this because it accentuates the amount of time I spend alone.

My artwork naturally requires I work alone and often for hours on end...

I find myself talking to the cats and myself and then when I need to run an errand, 

I am HYPER social, 

to the point of me hearing my own voice and thinking:

 Who is that lady? She sounds like a cheerleader, all excited about a head a lettuce...

So I am almost always eager to stop working when The Barren arrives home and socialize with someone I adore and can answer me back .

This last weekend two of my girlfriends hubby's were out of town on a "boys weekend" and when The Barren heard this he said I am taking you all out.

At first, I was a little jealous, I mean he is mine! but then I thought about how they might feel that same kind of alone I feel during the week so I agreed.

It was a nice no pressure kind of night, the ladies were totally touched 

and we had a few drinks and some food.

When we went to pick up the first one, 

she said she was ravenous and then looked at me and said:

" I'm pregnant"

I was struck by how ballsy she said it, but then she expressed how she was kind of scared to tell me

and decided that she should just do it like a band-aid, and blurt it out.

The Barren was in a nearby room within earshot and said..."did I hear that right?"

I thanked her for telling us and that she did perfect.

The rest of the night had baby tentacles in the conversations of

 " my baby, and my body and when the baby comes"

She is 10.5 weeks and was bursting to tell people...so she told her closest.

I was touched and only lost myself in thought once...

when The Barren said: what was the name we had?

I shot him a look and he instantly realized he had walked on sacred ground.

I guess there will always be things I will not give up.

The rest of the night every time she mentioned baby things, I was thinking, thank goodness 

I am looking forward to watching them be parents...it will be awesome!

We quietly checked in with each other all night: you alright? need a break?

While sitting at a pre-party to our group date out, 

she mentioned that she blurted out her pregnancy to other female friends that are trying, and they were supportive...but I thought about them and their struggles up to now to become parents.

it was a wild heart kind of valentines.

Twists and turns and loop d loops

After we dropped off the ladies at a modest 9pm, we went home and got into PJ's and snuggled down.

I fell asleep first...very romantic.

 This week I am going to business meetings, practice and ideally get some office work too.

It is quiet now and leads my overwhelmed mind on divergent trails of thought...but I want to have a productive week, and not feel as though I am simply passing days until The Barren arrives home.

I spent a lot of time alone in my 20's traveling, and on one trip far far from home, when The Barren and I were dating, I sat down in this beautiful place, alone with a journal/sketchbook and thought

"it would be really nice to turn to someone and say isn't that beautiful?!"

I think that is when I knew I was ready to be with The Barren, 

because I wanted that someone to be him.

The amazing card I got on hearts day said the same to me.

My heart is full with love for that amazing man.

Thankful Thursday-Personal Goals

OK I am first to admit my personal goals are sometimes small and seem REALLY silly,

BUT

Today I met a personal goal.

I am in the middle of my period week, 

usually a day I am laid up and under the influence of a pain pill and bad television. 

Instead this morning, I got up and went to yoga.

It turned out that we had a substitute and it was a really challenging class, and I made it through.

I was in no pain, panting yes, but I didn't bleed out of my clothes and in fact I feel pretty darn alright!

I was even able to do a real version of this pose....

it has taken about a year and a half...and I might have been a little closer to the floor.....

but

my string bean arms are learning that I mean business and I want to be able to do a real push up. 

HELL YEAH!!

yoga love

I know that it looks like no big deal, but I am someone who has NEVER been able to do a push-up or pull-up so this turns out to be a BIG deal for me.

I am also happy to report that The Barren is still at it...

he is in his second week of running and I am so so so proud of him! 

I am reclaiming my body, I am dropping the protective layers I had built for so many years!

I am fine, I am whole...and getting stronger everyday.

Even when I feel unstable or unsure, I am growing stronger and more sure.

My feet are firmly planted on the ground.

10 years ago today, our goddaughter was born, and I attended the birth.

Watching her take her first breath, 

while trying to breath between my own mind-numbing menstrual pain.

three days later I was in the ER with a 10mm corpus luteum and a doctor asking us if we were done making babies. Our goddaughter had always been a marker of the start of the downfall.

 Last night we gave her a gift and listened to her tell us her birthday plans.

I was not remembering the pain or the sorrow...

I was lost in her joy.

We are slowing looking at other versions of ourselves. 

We are trying new things with our bodies and re-thinking our self-imposed restrictions.

This weekend is the anniversary of the day we asked each other to marry each other.

I am so thankful that my vision was so clear to ask The Barren to marry me.

I am so thankful that we are taking this journey together.

I am so thankful that we are each others cheerleaders.

I am so thankful

What the funking groovin ?!

I am not sure what is happening, but something clearly is....

I went on a run with The Barren this morning.

I am not a runner, I do not like running and I never have. 

In fact, my mother use to write notes under my direction everyday to the PE teacher blaming everything from cramps and growing pains to my favorite " I was not designed to run"

I use to walk the mile every time it was was required...always coming in last proudly.

When we lived in a hot climate, I told the teacher I would get heat stroke if I exerted myself any further than walking.

But this morning, as an act of encouragement I did the first day of a "couch to 5k" routine 

Mind you, I only signed up for a week, to jump start his new routine, because when I started my practice I had a friend with me too.

In the wake of this adventure this morning, I am feeling quite..... well, proud.

The program has you gently moving from 60 seconds of running and 

90 seconds of walking to a 5k run after about 9 weeks.

The Barren wanted to try this out and I want to support him...so I guess I will be running when I am not doing yoga.

It is a win win.

Our adventure this last weekend was filled with adventure

We ventured into the BIG CITY once again as The Barren heard that these

women were going to be in attendance at a big BOOK FAIR!!

I have been a HUGE fan and disciple since I was in high school.

In fact I have this xeroxed poster on my wall still, complete with pin holes from years of wall displays.

I got m fangirl photo and was on cloud nine for quite a while!

The fair was a bibliophiles wet dream, 250 displays from independent presses, big printers and everything in between!

We both bought a bunch of stuff....and scored some great things!

There was, much to both our surprise, a lot of pornography.

Like everywhere and in all sorts of different forms. 

We had a lively discussion about how would we navigate a small person through this show? It lead to me asking several of our friends this same question...

How would you deal with a 60foot wall of film stills from a porn movies? or If you saw a poster of an erect penis with condom on it how would you react with little person? Or Hey there was a picture book on display from a gay publisher on leather bondage and play...would you allow the little to see it? Or how would you navigate it?

Some of my favorites:

A tiny book on the many ways of the Potato!

Adorable sweet little book

You can get your own here

I stopped at a booth that had vintage mugshot cards from 1910 or so, and was drooling over them, but we both agreed that $150.00 each was a bit spendy. So I took a photo instead:

There were also vintage first edition art books and photo book publishers

Ephemera from the late 70's/80's punk rock scene...complete with jackets covered in band patches.

Kill your idols/Ginko press booth
note the wall of punk singers!

I also stopped into this bus, as I dream of having an art bus like this.

In it I made a purchase of this Poster:

Poster by Peter Nevins

All in all it was a visual overload day, amazing and fun and I met an oscar nominated person face to face by acting like a dork.

We also saw this person and this person at breakfast.

Lunch had more people watching and then our drive home was quiet.

We were spent. Nap anyone?!

 dinner was Indian take-out and we both fell into a coma like slumber.

Now, now we are adventure people, we are free movers and deep thinkers

I am inspired and have already thought about publishing

 my Infertility show in book form this year, as it will be it's fifth anniversary!

That is inspiring!!

That is hopeful

That is growth!

Fun Time-Dork Time

OK I had a super fun time and I have tons to say about it but I had to tell you how I was a dork first:

I was talking to a vendor at the Book event and was trying to get a business card....

but there were lots of people crowding the area around the cards...so I said:

"I am sorry but I can't get a card because all the cool kids are here"

he went to get a card and a woman said:

Oh I'm sorry and motioned to move her daughter....

when I looked up I was eye to eye with THIS BLONDE PERSON

I looked at her and said " oh it's OK, I've got a card now"

thanks

I walked away as cool as I could and barely made it to The Barren with out a smile on my face.

because you see I was trying to be the cool kid

failed

but giggled

Adventure Time

Last weekend we ventured into the BIG CITY, I was born there but my hippie parents wanted us to have a memories of  our childhood that contained less cement. 

Instead it was replaced with bullies and heat in the triple digits.

ahhhh adolescence

Imagine their fear and shock when I was selected for an art college in another BIG CITY, telling them that I wanted excitement and adventure. Funds dried up fast and I was never able to attend the college that I had wanted....but that is totally fine because I worked my arse off and ended up sending myself around the world and having adventures of my own choosing.

fantastic signage

So back to my reason for mentioning adventure...

We woke up early and decided to make a weekend of caffeine and art.

We were planned to go to 5 different coffee shops and a day trip.

We went to see a big exhibition on Samurai stuff....

not real horses, but really good models and scary dudes

pretty dragonflies and wheat

"feathers" made from lacquered paper!

it was wild and beautiful and impressive, 

the swords were in another building and it was interesting as well. 

The Barren was like a little kid and we spent a fair bit of time gazing at the details that were several hundreds of years old. This exhibit lead to another, of majestic landscapes and that was kind of boring...and then we entered a third exhibition...I am still haunted by it.

It was a retrospective of an artist and frankly there was no real information anywhere what anything was....so you were disoriented from the beginning. 

We saw a trio of environment makers (fog, snow and rain) accompanying a sculpture that had an active beehive on its face:

this was next to a broken ice rink that was decomposing....and then a rock in a tank of water.

and a wall rubbing with a turtle fossil:

then we saw people coming in and out of a pair of curtains and the guards opened them and we went into a TOTALLY pitch black room, with nothing but "soothing" music and a smoke maker and cube of lights....

it was interesting but the air was stale and I started to not be able to breath, and The Barren was grabbing hold of me sooooo tightly that I think that might have helped restrict my airflow.

we left this room only to enter another that was showing a film, and as I settled onto a bench I saw the saucers of The Barren's eyes and I realized something was amiss...it was the film, it was a monkey wearing a human shaped mask, crawling on the floor...it was terrifying!

another tank was in the middle of the room with lights that made the water inside foggy and then clear....we left this room and passed through another with a film of something being thrown repeatedly...than a final tank that had crabs with Constantin Brancusi’s Sleeping Muse masks attached to them, dragging their overbearing shells across the sandy bottom.

The Barren left the room and the building,..I was still dazed and disoriented...

Apparently we missed the Ibizan hound that wanders the exhibition and the artist who shows up in an illuminated mask in that pitch black room! 

Frankly I think I would have peed myself.

It was like being in a dream, and a david lynch film and something else all together!

Outside I felt like my brain had been electrified and I was on edge....we sat for a little while as we waited for the electricity to dissipate a little.

We visited some of my favorite artworks and I took some fan girl photos next to them.

Lunch was from a food truck and we both got indigestion.

hahaha

cool booth which is now an installed art piece

detail

The city was exciting and a reminder that we are not city dwellers....

We made it home by mid day and proceeded to fall into a deep nap until dinner.

A little more caffeine and we ventured into the night in our hometown.

This adventure was possible because of our ease of movement.

We encountered a lot of parents that looked mellow and handling it all.

Sleeping children and kids with maps looking for their treasure.

 Then there were the others, singing opera in the art exhibition areas....running up and down the city streets, crying and refusing to eat what was being offered.

It was easy to have that moment of "aaah" we can come and go as we please. We can eat when we want, and see what we choose. There was a guilty kind of freedom associated with the day.

Our friends had moved the day before, and we helped only a little bit...and then walked away as their daughters searched for their items in the piles of unorganized goods.

We could do that.

I heard of another infertile that has become pregnant, she is on strict bed-rest for most of her pregnancy. I wish her well and will be interacting with this newest person through family events....but when I heard the news (which is still quite hush hush, so don't tell anyone) 

my first thought was " ugh, I am too tired to think of going through all this again"

I know there will be comparisons to us again...and frankly I am just over it!

I have a big milestone birthday coming up and it is the age of no return in my mind.

I am not going to have kids, it is a matter of fact.

So I am going to live my life as happily as I can now, I am done with sadness and what ifs and maybe if I just try, and if I only....

I am whole, I have a family, I am not at fault.

Soooooo.......

This weekend we are doing another adventure! 

and it includes BOOKS!!

On my way back

Working on the theme of Unicorns....

I scoured the internets for inspiration.

I am distracted....

I am trying to carve a very complex piece and need to take breaks as my brain filled head is heavy and hours of bending over and clutching a sharp tool that I am making small precise cuts with takes a toll. 

SO... I am here to let you know that I am on the way back from the brink...it has been a rough wild weird week....so why end it there right?!

enjoy the peek inside my brain right now...

Yesterday and the years before

***warning I talk about death and children***

Yesterday was hard....it wasn't suppose to be and I hadn't planned for it to be.

I got up at 4:15am to get ready for my yoga class...and as I normally do I check the news for accidents, check to see who the teacher for class is

 and social media while I wake up calmly and pull my hair up.

that is when I saw it....I read the words and then only heard a ringing in my ears:

"Goodbye My Love, I will miss you terribly. 

You found the second love letter card from me this morning but never got to open it.

My Wife of 14.5 years (+5.5 years dating) has passed away from heart failure today at noon. She has had health challenges for quite sometime, so this maybe some welcome relief for her.

She was a wonderful woman with a beautiful soul. She made friends easy and captured me on our first meeting with her boy on her knee.

I'm still in shock while I write you all this notice and I'll be back to tell you more later."

The person this husband is referring to was a dear friend from high school.

I met her in high school, she was in our art gaggle, and a talented painter.  She was the token headbanger and wore leather mini dresses and was quick to laugh. She had gotten a full scholarship to the local UC college but was unable to accept it, as around the same time, she became pregnant from a guy who wanted nothing to do with the baby.  She graduated and decorated her mortar board with the words "it's a boy". My bestest and I attended the birth of her son just a few weeks after we graduated. We were there to take photographs at her request. She had to give birth on her hands and knees as she was in a car accident* before getting pregnant and had hurt her back. 

We heard her labor and all she said was "ow that hurts"

She became a single mom, and was asked to move out of the family home as her father could not bare the fact that his daughter was unwed and a mother by the age of 18. 

She went back to school and became a nurse. It was then that she developed a severe latex allergy...so severe that she would pass out, from being unable to breathe, she finally got a service dog and it was these dogs that saved her from death many many times over. 

She still thrived, and found true love in a man that took every moment of the day to make her life wonderful, comfortable and fun.

Her son grew up, joined the marines and is now a sheriff locally.

She fought for animals, had a small menagerie of her own and crafted . 

She joined medical trials to find a cure for this horrible disease that was in every corner of her life outside of the joy.

She had developed seizures that would wipe away short term memories, and recently she passed out at their woodside cabin and had to be airlifted to the ICU, where they found she had low potassium levels. 

They were changing her medications and I guess the strain to her heart was just too much this last time and she left . Freeing herself from her body.

I was unable to think after reading her husband's words, I climbed back into bed and The Barren asked if I had had a nightmare and I whispered "Kara died" and let the tears fall down my face as he wrapped his arm around me. I fell back to slept with a heaviness in my chest that made it a labor to breathe.

When I work up I thought I had dreamt the whole thing...but it was not the case.

I spent the day quiet and watched downton abbey and ate and napped....I texted my bestest and we both agreed that we were really messed up from the news and would call each other later in the day to cry it out together. I was sitting curled in a blanket when the Barren came home and handed me a bag of kettle popcorn, he sat beside me and said nothing but simply shared the bag and we watched something on the screen. He made dinner for us: vegan pancakes and kissed me 

When my bestest called it was the best thing in the world to hear her voice. 

She remembered the car accident*: Kara and her best friend were in her beloved mustang stopped at a signal headbanging to some song on the tapedeck and got rear ended and they both got whiplash. They proudly came to school the next day with neck braces and laughing about it. 

I remembered us making the 1st birthday cake for her son and choosing bright green filling as it would make the biggest mess when he ate it !

The talk and the memories helped us both. 

My bestest said that although she had her son so young and it made her life rough, it was most likely one of the biggest wonderful in her life. As she was able to watch him grow into the man he is today. Giving her a huge sense of pride. If she had waited she might not have been given that opportunity.

I agreed and it made sense to me.

Hug your friends dear ones, hug the ones you want to but hesitate to.

Hug the ones you always hug.

wordless wednesday

in my ongoing effort to heal myself
this resonated with me

Marking days

Sunset Christmas eve

My second job has cut back my already anorexic hours, 

this has left me feeling quite anxious.
you know the normal, how am I gonna pay the bills kind of stuff.
I didn't realize how stressed I was until I took a pic of myself holding one of our cats
 to send to The Barren at work... 

to distract him for a moment from his stressful day as well.

My eyes were sunken, and I had shades of grey under them.

The cat looks quite handsome....clearly our work to keep him stress free is working well.

I have sold work this last year, but it is FAR from being able to survive on and often makes me question myself and if it is worth my motives to maintain this life as an artist.

I have asked The Barren many times over and over again if I should get other work...

or stop pursuing this life's call/ fantasy?! 

Repeatedly, he has said no, that this is what I am suppose to do, not work other jobs or distract myself from my artwork. He sees it as a long arch and that I am in the climb...

I am left trusting him, as I often find myself on shaky feet.

When he finishes a day filled with tension and frustration, 

I want to fix it an sadly my options are thin.

It leaves me feeling horrible, like I have done this to him....

Guilt

I don't like where this post is going....

It is moments like this that I search my mind for other options to find income...I look at want ads and try and figure out if I could do this or that....all of them point out the fact that I would not be able to have time clear for art making.  

I literally can not imagine another way to live....

it is inspiring but terrifying as well.

I have added work to my online shop every day, and have begun the slow incline to find what my year will look like.
SO....

This the grab your bootstraps time.

This is the shake it off and walk it out moment

This is where I am suppose to thrive!

I am the only person who can change the coarse of my life.

It is powerful, intimidating and massive!

I am trying to be present, aware of the now

and not run from it.
I have made a tall order...and need to not let The Barren down...
or myself.

Sunrise Thursday morning

Fearless

Growling at the bears

My littlest niece is growling at the bears, 

fearless and unaware of anything except that she knows the sound that bears can make. 

I will be taking my ques from her as the year begins.

I had my blood taken again to see if the eating shifts and all have made an impact on my numbers.

Keeping me well away from medications and allowing me to be in control.

Sadly, no movement in the numbers.

only a handwritten note from my doctor:

" keep up the diet and exercise"

So I binged on three days that week....I ate food I would normally not.

I ate a piece of a butter ring on Christmas day.

I ate a some pizza after christmas:

 We made latkes and hosted a party for our nieces and nephews, 

so I has a few of those and had to have sour cream on them:

I was also introduced to Kahlua and cream/White russian

When the three days were up, I felt like lead...heavy and tired and oily.

I was only able to practice once the week of xmas and that made me feel bloated too.

As I walked to class yesterday, I wondered how my relationship with food had changed.

How it had changed with my own vision or reflection of my body...

In reflection, all the foods I binged on gave me only a moment of pleasure, and that mostly came from the feeling that I was "getting away" with something....like I was sneaking a treat in, but it never felt like a treat....it felt more like defeat.

I decided that I had crossed a bridge of sorts, the guilt from eating these foods had me frantically researching how to "detox", how to loose weight, 

how to do better, be better be perfect do perfect....

I caught myself spiraling and then I stopped.

Did I have a disorder with food? Did I see food as a reward, 

and a way to get back at myself or others? 

I got scared and living in the state I do, vanity and body image are distorted all around me...

it is a daily fight to make decisions that embrace who I am, and what I look like.

No plastic surgery, no tanning, no botox and no starving please.

Finally after seeing where all these destructive roads could lead I said out loud:

 I will eat the cleanest I can, I will keep up with my practice: because it makes me feel good. 

end of story. 

Selfish? Yes

Self preservation? Yes

I am no skinny Minnie, but I am stronger than I have ever been.

and

As much as I would like to make a voodoo doll of my doctor, I understand now, that her prompting brought me enough fear of death that I returned to a way of living that makes me feel better.

Food is not a comfort, not anymore.

I need to find comfort in my own strength, weaknesses, loves and fears.

I need to find what my littlest niece already knows about the world around her.

I will be stronger than I think I am,

 I will be happier than I think I can be

and my body will carry me for many more years.

I have shared this with no one, and now I share it here.
This is the start and the current of my body.

And to all a good night

Thank you everyone for your lovely notes for The Barren....he was most touched.

Sometimes this is a TALL order,
but worth aiming for over and over again.

It has been a whirlwind of changes and stress and work, which is why I have been MIA from this beautiful wonderful place of love and personal growth.

I referred to it as my mourning dress,
as my relationship with ice cream has forever changed

To start with I made it through my gallery shows and this year for the big Warhol-ian event I wore this lovely number, along side new gallery shoes that didn't make my feet hurt at all...strait out of the box even! I sold work for the 5th year in a row...which in itself was a personal goal I gladly met.

I had a funny thing happen to me that has happened every time I met someone of noteworthy status...It gets interrupted or goes amok at that exact moment of introduction. 

Like the universe thinks, nope she doesn't really need to meet this person.

It has happened when I was introducing myself to this personal idol, that I had see give a talk. She actually walked away while I was shaking her hand and introducing myself to her...I finished my introduction by yelling my name across the crowded gallery to her....it was mortifying and I left in a pool of tears...vowing to never mention her name again. 

That was over 10 years ago...clearly I am making slow steps back to saying her name.

It happened again when I worked at a bookstore and I walked up to ask this person if he needed help or had any questions about inventory...except no actual words came out of my mouth instead it was a lovely line of gibberish that made him smirk and I walked away mortified.

Alas, it happened at this last event, except I laughed when I realized what was happening...

As a friend was introducing me to this person, and my hand was extended someone next me put two hands on my arm and physically pushed me out of the way....in such a way that when the friend and person turned back towards me (after motioning to my work on the gallery wall) I had literally disappeared into the sea of people in the gallery...swallowed up. 

I am trying to figure out what the universe is trying to tell me...or if I am just really bad at introductions and I purposefully stumble. 

I'll get back to you on that.

As for changes, The Barren and myself took the week of turkey to turn our whole house upside down!  The motivation started with me having a severe night terror that woke The Barren because I was screaming that someone was at the end of the bed...in his half awaken state he started thrashing and because I can not see without my glasses it made me even more frightened as I was waking and we were both screaming and hitting the air until we were both awake enough to realize nothing was there. None the less it made us think...we need to change shit around and get rid of this. So we burned sage, and hex remover (yep The Barren picked up a jar of the stuff when he was in 

Memphis) We had made a huge list of things we wanted to do in the house and felt that it was monumental to try and do half of the things...turns out we did almost all of them!

It started with repairing the garbage disposal, and then getting rid of a bunch of furniture, and then hacking some ikea stuff and making it into other things and then getting rid of clothes and extra things that we just never thought too much about.

I got rid of childhood things and came to realize that many of the things I was holding onto were for the invisible child we can't share it with...it was a hard real reality but I came to the understanding calmly and consoled myself by say "there is some other child that would love this, I am going to give it to them"

The end result is that our home feels totally different....like a new place.

It doesn't feel sad anymore.

I guess I didn't realize that it felt sad in our house...

in the absence I became aware of the presence.

Now as we slide into the holidays...we are working strait on through them. I have to work on xmas eve and the day after xmas as does The Barren. We have decorated the house and got a little 2ft tree that we placed little resin birds and straw ornaments I got in eastern Europe a decade ago.

We have our menorahs out as well as a Krampus and some Buddhas for good measure.

It feels festive and today a new couch arrived...another on our huge list of things to make us happier.

As the night comes to you, know that I am wishing you a wonderful holiday

I send hugs and love to each of you and wish you a serene, and divine celebration.

xoxox

The Barreness

Thoughts from The Barren

I have invited The Barren to post as often as he would like,

as he is an amazing wordsmith and I love to hear inside his head, 

no matter how painful or sad. As we know, writing can help...so below is a piece he has been working on/through.

 

 



 

I fear I may be hiding within the empty lattice of a working life, focused on getting by each day instead of making this childless life my own. One way I see this is with how I react to questions about our childlessness - specifically that I'm left out of them. The cuts and calloused comments question only the woman I share this burden with, and in being ignored or feared by those careless questioners, the vacuum of any engagement leaves me feeling more alone than I would have expected. That part of me that wants to get angry at someone for the morning-news interrogations merely aches and folds back in on itself, without satisfaction or even the shame of an outburst. Does it rot there, stuck in the folds of itself? Or is it potential energy, waiting to be unlocked with the turning key of a kind or cruel thought?

Irrespective of my anxieties about folded emotions, I like to think it is the panoply of what each of us holds dear in that dream of having a child which gives rise to so many critiques - to the apparently obvious solutions and the baffled, furrowed, even scornful faces that accompany them.

A particularly painful accusation that is made by friends, family, and acquaintances with equal casualness is the "You haven't tried hard enough" comment, though it is never spoken so directly. It can be variously rephrased as a peppy "Don't give up" or the more bard-like rendition of "I had a friend in your situation, and they just kept at it and it was years later but you know what she got pregnant and now they have three kids and they are so happy I mean it's a miracle don't you think..."

There are many tangential lines to that initial focus on work-rate that expand the theme of not trying hard enough - not exhausting all options: "I'll have your baby, use my womb!"; "You should try IVF..."; Have you used egg-whites as a lubricant?"; "my sisters best-friend got pregnant after she went to an acupuncturist...", "I read on CNN that supplement X has gotten lots of infertile women pregnant, you should try that!"

Each solution caters to one or another price to be paid, but what they all hold in common is the end-goal: the acquisition of a child. This focus on the goal warps into pathology for many couples, with the result often being broken bodies, hearts, and unfortunately, many marriages. The goal is achieved! The couple acquires a child - success! And then divorces because of the immense stress and suffering caused by the process. Really? Goal achieved?

Inevitably the conversation turns to Adoption. Why don't we adopt? This question nags at me more than any other that I hear, because it assumes that the end-result is really what matters and moreover for the fact that it derives that end-result through commerce. Our desire was to create through the union of our mind and bodies a progeny, a physical manifestation of our love for one another and an expression of the universal mystery of life. In our case the end-result we were dreaming of was not just the child - it was the child created as a result of our union.

No path exists for us to achieve that end that does not compromise some essence of what is ultimately a matter of spiritual conviction.

The popular counters do little to answer or support this conviction. For example, the standard "...you will come to love them as your own...". A painful twist on this is promoted with heart-felt and honest emotion by the adopted themselves; after all, they can attest to the love and meaning that their parents brought to their life! See? The goal is achieved!

I do not doubt that I would love an adopted child with all my heart; that they would be my child and I their parent with all the associated joy, sacrifice, tears, and elation that any other child brings to the world they inhabit. My wife and I have spoken of our willingness to let such a child into our lives; our willingness to commit with our entire being to such a journey. But to buy into that experience? To go shopping for a child - a human life? To visit orphanages and adoption agencies with the same commercial details you would find in the purchase of a new car? To negotiate on a price? The dark-skinned children cost less. Older children cost less. They have been valued by the market and found to be...less?

I do not pretend to know a better way! The stories of Russian and Chinese state-run orphanages are stomach-churning and convincing enough to avoid any kind of centralized government method for finding good homes for the parent-less. All I know is that I can't participate in the current system. I don't begrudge anyone their participation! I just can't do it myself. This is a price I'm not willing to pay, to put it in the context of that most-common of underlying themes: "how badly do you really want a child?"

So this is the syllogistic critique of the infertile couple: "you haven't tried hard enough / you must not really want a child". It hits at the core pain experienced by an infertile couple - that they are to blame for the infertility - while at the same time trivializing that pain - it's just a decision to really want it, after all...what's so hard about that?

What's so hard, indeed...

Remembered and Celebrated

Source Elizabeth Gilbert facebook page

If you haven't seen her TED talk about being a creative person

drop everything and spend the next 20min being enlightened HERE

 

the amazing sunset

 

I did something different this year and asked the Barren to join me on the anniversary of our first loss

to have a moment of quiet or reflection...

to just take a moment of the day together

and think of the little person that never manifested into a breathing being.

He of course agreed, and we took a sunset drive and ended up having dinner in a neighboring city to get away from the house.

The sunset did not disappoint and with the warm wind and sea air it felt as though we were cleansed.

I had taken time earlier that day to sit and meditate, it helped a lot to center my emotions and sit them into a more blissful state...sorrow seemed to be wrong choice and when I started to cry I found I was laughing as well. It was amazing and radiant.

 

We spent time talking quietly and toasting the ones that could not be with us.

I drank too much to drive and spent the car ride home in a marshmallow of thoughts and giggles.

We celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary (22 years together) two days later.

What a wild ride it has been with this amazing man.

When we woke up on our anniversary, I asked the Barren if it felt like 12years,

he said no, it just feels like it has always been like this.

We have always been together.



Boo- this is your self doubt knocking!

 

I can not tell you how much I love this little GIF.

I don't care if it is real or not...it makes me laugh.

 

 

This is my favorite time of year, but I fear the drought will last though the year still....making the fall far from cold and rainy and windy...but instead keep us on our toes for fires and water restrictions.

I have become the water police in our neighborhood, calling landscape companies and hotlines to report water being wasted....it is scary I have become that woman.

I should wear my pointed hat on the next call....scary...ooo

 

This time of year offers a cocoon of sorts in my mind...the last of this years submissions are by weeks end and I am relishing in the fact that I can kind of rest my mind, cocoon maybe sew something or bake something or simply step away from the ledge or anxiety and fear and self doubt.

I have been on the verge of tears recently.
I feel quite raw, and fragile.
My mantras have been helping, and I can recognize when that self doubt is talking under an action.
I asked my brother today if he feel confident, in new situation or situation in general and he said no.
I didn't question further but I find it interesting as I only see him as self confident and ballsy.
Ironically, I visited with an artist friend who is very successful and she and a couple other friends were voicing their own self doubt as of late, I find their thoughts interesting...and comforting.

Artist friend #1:

As far as my attitude about my work…here goes…I seriously feel it is never good enough, pretty sure at the end of most days it is total crap and I wake up mostly in fear daily that I will never be able to have a good idea or at least not be able to paint one if I managed to have one. I recently found photos of a large painting that was going splendidly until I was totally unable to finish it as I wanted to…so, it turned into something completely different. Now, I am going to try that same idea again and demand better results from myself. 

"Paint what you love, paint a lot and find a good gallery…someone who shares your passion and respects what you do." That is my mantra.

Artist friend #2 forwarded this article " universal artist experience"
stating she was toggling between bargaining and depression:
 

Here’s an idea of what these stages mean to me:

Denial: This is not bad…not the painting I had in my head when I started…but maybe this will work…
Anger: Why isn’t this working? Why can’t I find that color? Why can’t I draw a horse?
Bargaining: OK, if you (the Art God?) just let me get this one painting done in time for the show, I promise I’ll clean up my studio and give up popcorn…and maybe ice cream.
Depression: This is never going to work. What made me think I could paint?
Acceptance: Well, this is not bad. This is going to work for now and the next one will be even better. I hope. I just have to keep working at it and I will get as close as I can before I die.

So I take comfort in knowing that we are all mad and sometimes crippled with self-doubt.

Comfort in numbers I guess.