Boo- this is your self doubt knocking!

 

I can not tell you how much I love this little GIF.

I don't care if it is real or not...it makes me laugh.

 

 

This is my favorite time of year, but I fear the drought will last though the year still....making the fall far from cold and rainy and windy...but instead keep us on our toes for fires and water restrictions.

I have become the water police in our neighborhood, calling landscape companies and hotlines to report water being wasted....it is scary I have become that woman.

I should wear my pointed hat on the next call....scary...ooo

 

This time of year offers a cocoon of sorts in my mind...the last of this years submissions are by weeks end and I am relishing in the fact that I can kind of rest my mind, cocoon maybe sew something or bake something or simply step away from the ledge or anxiety and fear and self doubt.

I have been on the verge of tears recently.
I feel quite raw, and fragile.
My mantras have been helping, and I can recognize when that self doubt is talking under an action.
I asked my brother today if he feel confident, in new situation or situation in general and he said no.
I didn't question further but I find it interesting as I only see him as self confident and ballsy.
Ironically, I visited with an artist friend who is very successful and she and a couple other friends were voicing their own self doubt as of late, I find their thoughts interesting...and comforting.

Artist friend #1:

As far as my attitude about my work…here goes…I seriously feel it is never good enough, pretty sure at the end of most days it is total crap and I wake up mostly in fear daily that I will never be able to have a good idea or at least not be able to paint one if I managed to have one. I recently found photos of a large painting that was going splendidly until I was totally unable to finish it as I wanted to…so, it turned into something completely different. Now, I am going to try that same idea again and demand better results from myself. 

"Paint what you love, paint a lot and find a good gallery…someone who shares your passion and respects what you do." That is my mantra.

Artist friend #2 forwarded this article " universal artist experience"
stating she was toggling between bargaining and depression:
 

Here’s an idea of what these stages mean to me:

Denial: This is not bad…not the painting I had in my head when I started…but maybe this will work…
Anger: Why isn’t this working? Why can’t I find that color? Why can’t I draw a horse?
Bargaining: OK, if you (the Art God?) just let me get this one painting done in time for the show, I promise I’ll clean up my studio and give up popcorn…and maybe ice cream.
Depression: This is never going to work. What made me think I could paint?
Acceptance: Well, this is not bad. This is going to work for now and the next one will be even better. I hope. I just have to keep working at it and I will get as close as I can before I die.

So I take comfort in knowing that we are all mad and sometimes crippled with self-doubt.

Comfort in numbers I guess.

Red is the color of power

OK, so this is the shade I finally decided on.

I wore it the night of the opening and felt confident, and sure of myself.

I was comfortable in my own skin and was able to speak about my work easily and freely.

I recommend this experiment to anyone who is shaky in their shoes.

I got my lipstick for .99 cents at the local drug store...low investment, high yield.

Beside my feet being beyond tired and sore the following day I was projected into a numb space.

I think I had put out soooo much the weeks prior, that after the spotlight turned off I went numb. I turned off the smile and drove home. We ordered Indian take-out and I sat on the couch and watched The secret life of Walter Mitty....it made me cry remembering how much I loved film photography.

This coupled with the amazing documentary I saw about Dorothea Lange not long ago; 

I was reminded of my roots and original goals for my life.

I am having what The Barren refers to as an existential crisis; I am feeling at a life crossroads.

Being an artist with a second job has me constantly juggling my mind from off ,to on, to off , to pause.

I met with a couple fellow artists yesterday, we are collaborating as a group to try and secure a location to manifest our personal visions and goals for our careers.

It has hit quite a road-bump, but when meeting yesterday, we asked of each other what is the "big dream"

What is the image we can hold on to?!

I went quiet in my mind.

I had lost sight of my long term goal...hence my existential crisis.

I have been working on making but forgetting what for...I got short sighted.

My response was to say that I would like to only have one job...

(the reality is still quite hard to swallow, but I want to put it out there)

A little voice in my head said, you don't deserve this....that is why you can't see it.

After our meeting, I drove home in silence, and then my brain got so loud and overwhelmed with thoughts that I collapsed and took a nap for 20 minutes.

On waking up I was shaking, I needed to find my goal again, 

I needed to remember what I was working for or towards.

I needed to know why I was hearing a voice tell me that I didn't deserve success?!

What allowed that voice to enter me, sabotage me and make me question all that I am?

I was at a loss and wasn't sure when that naysayer became part of my internal conversation.

Like many things in my life, when I get scared I say what is scaring me out loud. 

I learned this when I was preparing for surgery. 

Buddhists laugh in face of fear, as it reduces the power of the fear.

I call it out. I say it out loud....

If I say it enough it becomes mine again.

I deserve success, 

I make art that is loved by people other than my family and friends.

I am good enough for this

I am declaring it like I did with the lipstick.

Fear ME little voice, I will silence you!

Thankful Thursday

I have been working...in two places and I fear that I am at the stage that I need a push...

I am tired and making lists like there is no tomorrow...when I get overwhelmed I start dropping things...literally and metaphorically. So lists help me feel less chaotic.

I have a hair cut appointment tomorrow in a feeble attempt of self care.

I only get my hairs cut maybe twice a year as I find it to be a decadence, 

one I can often overlook and choose car oil changes instead.

My grandmothers would go weekly, my mother gets her hair person to come to her home monthly 

to color and cut her hair.

I am a low maintenance kinda girl with dreams of being a fancier girl.

Every 6-8 months I go crazy and buy some new makeup that almost always ends up living its life in a bin under the sink because I either try it once and freak out that I have makeup on, or chicken out or forget about it. I keep the makeup next to the hairdryer and curling iron...two other rarely used tools.

I bought red lipstick today...

I read that it subconsciously makes people (including the wearer) believe that you are powerful :

I adore this woman!

I am feeling anxious and nervous about this upcoming exhibition.

I have a comfortable dress, and shoes for standing long periods of time on hard surfaces. 

I have a room that I can crash in after the event it over and I don't have to drive for hours afterwards. 

In the middle of the preparations from afar I am feeling less than confident... 

you know, the whole question your abilities, your drive, your reason...

and so I thought I would try out the red lipstick theory.

It feels comfortable but it is arresting to see crimson on my lips. 

I am wearing it now in fact, in a strange way I think that if I can wear it and forget about it, I can ease into the idea that it is not such a foreign part of me and I can pull it off for opening night.You know?!

I am thankful that I am still a risk taker, even if the risks seem small and silly

daily reminder

Not to diminish the daily toll of infertility, 

but to remember that you are not meant to struggle 

Things seem

source

OK, how could I resist this image?! 

It is creepy and so funny at the same time, and quite frankly sounds like a lot of fun!

Things seem to be back on track of sorts.

I have a tight deadline ahead of me, as I am in a three woman show that opens in about two weeks.

In fact, right now I am suppose to be making the last pieces, but instead I felt compelled to be here.

Reading your blogs and procrastinating.

I think it is what I do under pressure, add more pressure!

***

I worked until midnight last night and finished some work this am after breakfast.

This next week and a half will be framing and label preparations...

The venue is several hours away, so I need to be REALLY prepared as I can not simply grab something from home if something is forgotten. I think that freaks me into procrastination a little.

I have gotten a shitload of administration things done in the last week which has allowed me to relax into this next week and a half...haha relax...and I am so relaxed that eye twitch is really just an involuntary wink.

A massage from my mate sounds like just the ticket.

I am eating pretty well, trying to get real sleep and doing my practice

My second job is a little less intense, and as the year winds out...

I have a second deadline in place once this show is hung.

Which allows for my wheel to keep spinning, my plates can keep swirling and I can keep staring at the sky.

I did catch a little bit of a movie the other night, while procrastinating...

You know, andy warhol use to say everything is potential inspiration:

FEBRUARY 1, 2010 Warhol Photos Distributed Across Nation

From the Associated Press
"Andy Warhol kept boxes upon boxes of soup cans, receipts, fan mail and many other items, including thousands of photos he later used as inspiration for his giant paintings. Now more than 180 colleges and university museums, and galleries around the nation are benefiting. The New York City-based Andy Warhol Foundation for the Visual Arts has donated to them more than 28,500 of Warhol's photos, worth $28 million."
By Carrie Antlfinger

I am gonna steal that and stop calling what I do procrastination, but instead research! 

yep, I was researching on the couch the other night....I caught a little bit of this movie:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1067765/

It had John Cusack in it and I am a sucker for him, plus it was quirky funny.

The parts that made me giggle were all her realizations about bring creative/writer/artist and the reality associated with them. It was entertaining and kept me up later than I should have been and I didn't get to see the beginning or end...so I can say the middle part was good, and that is really the meat of a mediocre film. 

I would like to see the whole thing, regardless

So today, today I am doing less research and more work...really
I better get to it now the daylight is ticking away

Let's start again....

Put you in a better mood

This little GIF makes me smile, so I wanted to start with that.

SMILE

I realize that my last post was a bitch, not mean, just bitchy...

I am working hard to move past it and let it go.

really....

Things around here are intense,stressful and in general, thick.

The Barren and I are on different schedules and it makes life during the week strange.

We are often like two ships crossing paths, so by Friday it is more like..."Hi you're cute, wanna have dinner with me and chat? Then maybe we can have a drink and a roll in the sack before the next week arrives and we are strangers again?"

Works ( I used that on purpose, as I have two jobs) is intense too....

one has been an exercise in patience and careful footsteps. 

The other is a never ending cycle of positive affirmations and small steps.

By the time I get out from one and arrive at the other I am exhausted and it is an uphill battle to stay moving.

Practice is still three times a week, and it helps tremendously with my mental health and willingness to sleep.

This morning was a series of heart openers and after we were done I just wanted to sit and cry for an hour...but alas the works were calling and I had to just keep moving.

I have a bottle of wine in the fridge that I plan to partake in with dinner tonight...

well not the whole bottle but at least a glass!

A lot of good things are bubbling and that is good, thing is, when things are good it all comes at once and I am getting really good at storing those good times to keep me going when things are quieter or not as good.

I have been seeing "list three positives" lists appear all over social media and it is interesting to see what people list...So I thought I would try the same...

Aside from the obvious things I find quite positive, like, I woke up, I am breathing, I am in love, I have clean water to drink and food to eat and I am healthy...

* No one I know died this week! so that is good, really good

*I got a baby shower invite and I am waiting to respond, I am gonna feel this one out

* I am able to heal. I smashed my foot and lost a chunk of my toe and sliced open my finger yesterday all before 5am, today I have a scab on my thumb and my toe is working on the same.

I feel badly that my last post seemed like a downer...I am feeling alright, fragile at times but really OK

I seem to be spending a lot of time recently worrying about other people and that gets hard after a while.

So I guess that is something else I need to back off on, worrying doesn't change things
and I want things to change not stagnate...you know?!

Ignore the woman crying about cheese

NOT my only wish....

OK so firstly, I am not gonna mince words here:

I am sad about food right now.

I am a foodie, and this last bit of veganism is hard and heartbreaking.

example:

this past weekend was a long one for many in the US, it was labor day 

this is my favorite visual to go with that day of thanks:

I live in an agriculture center, and so daily I am reminded of the many that are laboring much harder than me for the food that I eat. I made sure to point out to my niece and nephew what food is grown where, so when they pass those fields, they recognize it as food and become conscience of the people working so hard to bring it to our tummies.

That being said, when the Barren and I were thinking about what to make, BBQ and snack on this weekend, the Barren suggested a caprese salad...one of my favorites and it makes sense to suggest it as it was a go-to for SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO long.

Except, this time when he mentioned it I began to cry; a sad silly cry...and then I became mad...at him for no reason and then suggested we just go home and I would eat the drywall instead.

I was possessed by a bitter, self-loathing demon, who wanted me to feel as horrible as possible about holding true to my health concerns and desire for self-preservation.

Thank goodness the Barren recognized this and simply let it all play out and then when I resurfaced and apologized for it, we went to the store for BBQ fixings.

He in his wonderful way, ended up putting soft cheese into the basket for himself...but did it with puppy-dog eyes of "I'm so sorry I am putting this in the basket, I know it haunts you"

We got home and when it was time to fix dinner he realized he got the wrong type of cheese for a salad and told me " I got the wrong kind" I said you got burrata huh?, it is creamy and super soft and delicious on toasted bread with tomato and basil...

He smirked and I just smiled and sighed.

I am having a hard time with this last stretch of vegan; dinner out is hard, dinner in is a constant dance of what to make, prepare and plan for. I'm exhausted from chopping veggies and reading recipes.

After a long day, it would awesome to have an option to just pick up dinner on the way home...but there is no real way to do that, and to add insult to injury, I have a soy sensitivity, so tofu or soy products are a no go for me... by sensitivity I will weigh the pros and cons of how intense a hot flash will be if I eat this or that.

So I am often eating soba noodles with veggies or a microwaved yam with peas and walnuts.

When my parents asked if we could do dinner together last night, as the Barren was working late, I just about burst into tears again...but instead said : I would love to but food right now is really complex and once I figure it out we will..I just have to work on it a little longer.

I have been trying the mantra: it is just food, you are fed the rest is decoration.

I went to an art opening last night and when three girlfriends asked if I would like to join them for dinner, I was ready to say thanks but no thanks...but it turns out they wanted to try a new VEGAN restaurant in town....I felt self conscience thinking they were suggesting it as they knew I was now vegan....but it turns out the place also serves gluten free which two of the three were sensitive to! 

We were a group of special food needs people, it was my tribe of particulars!

We all had a dinner together, I was able to relax and talk art with the others who are also artists and when the ordering happened I was not the only one asking what this or that was, everyone did! 

below are the obligatory food photos...in case you want to see what was tried.

top was gluten free the bottom was not...but both were vegan

STREET TACO. CACAO BLACK BEAN. JACKFRUIT ‘CHORIZO’. BLUEBERRY CHIPOTLE SALSA. CARAMELIZED ONION. HEIRLOOM TOMATO. SUMAC. JALAPENO SLAW  $10

BLACK BEAN, WALNUT AND GRILLED KALE BURGER. FLATBREAD. PEA TENDRIL. PICKLED WATERMELON RADISH. TARATOR LEMON TAHINI  $15  
the rings are breaded and fried preserved meyer lemons...weird salt/sour experience
the red smear was SUPER spicy chipotle sauce that had me gasping for air

I came home feeling a little less excluded from food culture...

Sunday Meditation

source

Thankful...beyond these little words

When my brother called me this last weekend he started by saying: So I just came back from the ER

I said what? you are joking right?

He said no and his voice began to crack...

this is the text I sent to my bestest:

Noon today: gunpowder flash, 8-10ft fireball, brother dropped and rolled, 

then drove himself to the ER.

Second degree burns, no damage to his eye, he sees the burn specialist tomorrow

When he started to describe what had happened, I blurted out : I am soooo thankful that you are calling.

then I went deaf, and I think my heart stopped...he needed to take another call at the same time 

and I asked him to call me back.

He called back and as telling me the details be began to cry and tell me how silly it was...and there is soooo much work and now he couldn't do any of it. I told him that there are many people to help and we want to help in any way we can....he heard me, I highlighted all the good from the outcome.

He was alive, he did not damage his eye, he did not burn his lungs...

when I hung up the phone after he assured me he did not need me to come over, our mom and his family was there to keep an eye on him,

I sat motionless, wanting to flee, but I chose to be present...shake and race around my mind.

Then I began to cry, as there was nothing I could do to "fix" the situation...

This was the most painful part for me...knowing he was in pain and sitting waiting for the next step.

Then I texted all my medical and doctor friends to see if anyone knew a burn specialist...

I got responses but none were referrals, well wishes instead...which was an easy reason to call him back and hear his voice again. He sent me a photo of himself so I could see his face...It was comforting, he was home resting and taking selfies...and running through the scenario over and over again...telling me his thoughts about it.

We are four and a half years apart and are now the closest we have been since childhood.

I called several times to see if he was sleeping, or needing anything.

..until I was soothed into a lull from my crazy monkey mind.

The Barren stayed with me, and simply sat and kept me company as I raced in my mind.

The following day was my nieces 1st birthday. 

I had made all the cakes and we headed in early after an early am call, 

to see if he slept and how he was feeling.

My brother was given pain meds at the ER but refused to take them...he found it reassuring to feel everything, calming his fears of nerve loss, and not wanting to surrender control.

Aside from the party, he was set to meet the burn specialist and get his burn cleaned...

he took some advil and headed to the hospital with his brother in law to get it cleaned, leaving his daughters birthday party and the guests behind; all of us sending him off with well wishes and prayers.

He returned two hours later, wrapped and with photographs of the damage.

Seeing him walk in again, and hearing the assessment of his burn was reassuring, in a strange way.

Second degree on his hand and arm, deep second on his index finger and thumb. First degree on his face, neck, ear and scalp. He has a burned star-burst pattern on his face from where he squeezed his eye shut when the flame hit him. There was stubble all over his shirt, from the singed hair on his head... from the removal of his head-wrap.

He was alright.

We left about an hour later, and drove home in a quiet car.

I ate a little dinner and then fell into a deep sleep

Cleaned arm with biobrane sleeve in place 

I awoke early for work the following day, my brother came in soon after me.

All day I heard the story, I got to repeat it first, and after divulging the details I ended with:

I am so thankful he is here; he did not lose his eye or burn his lungs.

When it was time for my brother to tell it to the relatives that were calling to check on him, he ended the tale the same way...over and over and over again.

I held it together, I stepped out once when I thought I was gonna cry...

He is moving slower, but still has taken no pain pills...he is working, and doing what he is driven to do.

He is in good spirits and is watching his arm for signs of problems....

Sunday is the next hump, he finds out if the biobrane (synthetic skin) is taking on his forearm and he can avoid a skin graft.

I admire him, and adore him beyond words.

He will always be my little brother, no matter our age

and I will always want and strive to protect him.

Wordy Wednesday

go outside and breathe the air, 

even but for a moment sweet lovelies

Self Preservation

** warning, melancholy posting **

some of the 15 nuns that packed the local frozen-yogurt shop

I went and had my annual ultrasounds and mammogram. 

I have had mammos since I was 34, as I found a lump then (it was nothing)

 and have just never stopped getting annual ones.

I look at it as a mark of pride, I am taking care of myself.

This year was different, as I requested an ultrasound of my breasts as well. The read from last year said that my dense breast tissue was hard to read and an ultrasound was recommended for a better view.

I booked my pelvic ultrasound that same day...I spent two hours having wands in my vagina, having my breasts compressed and then pressed and pushed on with copious amounts of warmed jelly.

While this was happening, a friend from high school passed away after a 5 year fight with breast cancer.

I am still shaken by her death, I saw her just before my surgery almost two years ago. She brought her daughters to a shared art studio so I could explain an art-making process to them. 

She was vibrant, her daughters glowed from all the love she showered on them. I followed and spoke to her via social media and then, she was not commenting on things. I started thinking about her more and more and then the messages started to appear on her page, and I asked if something had happened. Her mother posted that she was in hospice care and that it would not be long, as she was ready to go.

She passed two days later.

I was not close with her in high school, and I lost all contact with her afterwards..and something made us find each other many years later, maybe a reunion or something silly.

Our high school was a small one and in many ways everyone pretty much knew everyone.

The loss of a classmate, even one you are not close with seems big and close.

The memorial is at the end of this month, and although it is an open invite to all who knew her, 

I feel it is too intimate and I am choosing to not attend.

Instead I am making a donation to a charity she held dear.

Call it self preservation, I can not bear another heartbreak right now. 

I am grieving in many ways for her, she is the fourth woman I know in this last year to have breast cancer. 

It is a lot to witness.

clearly nothing like having to live with, but right now witnessing it is almost too much.

I feel conflicted about my decision, but guilt should not be a motivator to attend a memorial.

I have been reflecting a lot about what is important to me; 

this latest loss has only highlighted again who and what is important in my life.

I spent last weekend with my bestest-bossum-buddy.

She was in town visiting family and to my surprise she worked a WHOLE day away from her people 

and we just spent it talking, uninterrupted and openly and unabridged.

It was a treat for us both and when I came home I found myself in deep withdrawal.

I get to see her again in a month and a half or so...

we live many hours away from one another

All of this made me reflect, deeply and clearly into myself.

it has me feeling raw and open and melancholy as well...but,

I started to think of the superhero, the one I am making of myself.

If I remember correctly, most comic book heroes have:

 extreme heartbreak (check)

isolation (check)

determination to change themselves (check)

a bumpy road of learning (check)

revelations in unexpected places (check)

I guess I am on the right course.

plus my pants finally arrived:

Wordless Wednesday

There are no words for this....just smiles!
Happy Wednesday lovely ladies

Inspiration Wednesday

I follow this photographer on social media, and really find daily inspiration from the people he meets.
This one in particular sits deeply in me and made me cry the first time I read it:

Humans of New York

June 28

"What's your favorite thing about your mother?"

"She loves life more than anyone I've ever known. I hope she doesn't mind me telling you this, but recently she's had some health problems. And her health got so bad at one point, she called me and said: 

'I was starting to wonder if there was any reason to go on. But then I had the most delicious pear!'"

Building my superhero

source

I am building my inner super hero....I have decided it is time to take a bigger step, and act fearless.

I am struggling with feeling good again.

I am still going to class three times a week, and sitting in my studio for hours a day, and working at my second job...and doing all the other daily stuff that life requires to function, 

but something wasn't still linking up.

So, I was wandering around in my brain yesterday and found that maybe, just maybe I was cushioning myself...unbeknownst to myself, I was still protecting myself from getting hurt or pushing too hard.

In everything.

So I started to construct my symbols of strength...

I got this shirt and wore it to class today.

I pushed myself harder, lunged deeper, and stretched farther.

I carried this positive affirmation in my mind the whole time.

I have new pants coming too..when they arrive I will reveal them as well.

It seems I am still afraid, I am still shy..I don't know why. 

I just found this corner the other day and opened that door wide and let in sunlight. 

I don't want to be afraid anymore, or tentative.

I want to feel strong and sure and powerful and confident.

I am finding that as time passes and I still wake up at 4:30 am, I like this ritual.

It allows me to wake up with the sun, I get to be in my own head and feel strong from the first moments of the day.

ideally enough to carry me through the rest of it. 

When I feel weak, or tired, I drink water and cry or wish I would cry and 

sit and contemplate what is making the monkeys go crazy.

All this was put to a test the other day, my father was forced to retire.

He is still "young" but a situation arose in his company and that was the choice he had.

He did and then made calls to me and my brother, assuring us that they were fine and that there was no big debt to fear....I think he was really assuring himself, as I was far beyond freaked out (in my head)

and I remained calm and cool until I hung up the phone.

Then I just stared at the wall for several hours...thinking of all the scenarios in my head, flipping through each of them like a rolodex...meeting each freaking scene head on and then letting it pass through me.

Acknowledge and let it go

It seems to have worked, for now.

It was like a scanner, scan then pass it along.

No harm no foul

Superpower?

I am faced with another weekend sleepover, this time with our 10year old niece.

Last weekend was the 6 year old nephew.

I don't know what to expect, or be prepared for but I am looking forward to the time.

I want to be a SUPER Auntie, and be cool and calm and neato

So my focus is to be present:

have super listening skills

be strong and supportive

able to leap to no conclusions

Be her bird or plane 

National attention

the latest issue of Time Magazine set to hit the stands

This caught my eye yesterday and I wanted to post a couple things here to see if any of you had heard this too?! I was surprised and quite interested reading it myself.

Here is a response on Huffington post,

and here is a great video,

I LOVE how the newscaster starts with 

the Time editor who is also child-free and dismisses the writer speaking first because she has three kids.
It does bother me that they mention how much it costs to raise a kid, I am not sure why, maybe it feels dismissive about the choice...but that might be just me.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you

I celebrated my one year anniversary with yoga. 

According to my yoga teacher I had been there over 165 times in the last year! 

That is a half year in the yoga studio! holy guacamole...

I tried to keep the celebration to myself but to my surprise The Barren noted this as well and got me a gift certificate to a yoga boutique. 

You know the kind of place I would never venture into myself to purchase clothes.

Well I was eager to get a new pair of pants and top, as mine are now having the subtle smell of bleach and tea tree oil and mildew....they have been washed every day after class and hung to dry so as to be ready the next day...but after a year I think the fabric just gives up.

I went to the boutique; assured by The Barren that the women that were working there were not the "typical" yoga body people. It was warm outside but I was wearing a sundress and felt fairly cool...I was greeted by a woman who was very nice and eager to help me find the perfect gift for myself. She was not a beanpole so she understood the "junk in the trunk" issue for finding pants...she told me which companies she liked and I grabbed two pair of printed leggings one with UNICORNS on them!

get them

I was eager to try them on and feel super special. 

I grabbed a tank to try them on with and headed to the changing room. 

I was now sweating. 

The store was warm and the fan really did nothing to cool the air.

I checked my purse three times for a rubber band to tie my now wet neck hair up...no dice.

I then proceeded to peel the dress I was wearing off, and try with GREAT effort to put on the pants.

It was like trying to get a pair of pantyhose on while sweating...plus my lovely Popeye style calf's would not allow the pants to glide over them so by the time I had jumped, hopped and wiggled my arse into the butt of the pants it was and I was a HOT MESS. 

The door of the changing room was not a door but a light piece of fabric, 

so as I jumped it swayed open. I am sure it was a great show!

I peeled off the first pair and looked at another brand thinking maybe they would fit differently.

This time I tried on the top first, well tried, as I was dripping sweat and no matter what I did to pull that top over my shoulders and avoid the pits, as I didn't want to stain the shirt too...

I was stuck, the fabric had rolled onto itself, and would not give way

My boobs were half in the shirt, half begging to be freed of the shelf bra.

I ending up bending in half, and wiggling my shoulders free of the fabric and hanging up the shirt to admire while trying to tackle the second set of pants. topless this time...

When I started the effort, I stopped at the calf again...resigning to the fact that I was not built to wear these leggings either. I fought extreme disappointment and negative voices about my body.

The clerk asked how I did as I emerged from the dressing room.

I am sure she saw the WHOLE thing...but was kind to say that another company was available to try.

I am a glutton for punishment, and so I tried on another brand of pant. 

It took far less effort to pull on and so I got a pair in FUCHSIA, and picked up a tie-dyed tank from the same company without trying it on...I feared what might happen.

I left with credit remaining and a punched ego...but a new top, pants and yoga mat towel.

Following this dance I was due at a business woman's art gathering.

I got in the car, blasted the air conditioning and drove to the meeting location.

I was cooler when I arrived, I had my yoga bag in the back seat so I added a new layer of deodorant to my pits and fluffed my hair and went into the home that was hosting.

I sipped a glass of bubble water and waited for another couple of friends to arrive. I was beginning to heat up again (for reasons unknown to me) and I went to the bathroom to splash some cool water onto my neck and chest...in an effort to cool my body a little more. When I emerged a couple of friends had arrived and I met them in the hallway. One was one I hadn't seen since May and when I saw her then I thought..." I think she is pregnant" turns out she was...and is due in December. 

She was glowing, I mean radiant...it was of no surprise to me.

Joy creates that, and she was filled with glee and joy.

I congratulated her and we joined some other women outside in the shade to chat before the meeting was set to start...I was standing and sipping my water and I could feel the sweat dripping down my back, over my tummy, down my legs. I hoped no one else noticed...but I also realized that I was with a group of women, ans MANY had already gone through menopause so this was nothing to be embarrassed about.

We eventually moved indoors, and sat ourselves for the hosts lecture.

I think it was half way through that I felt the heater turn off in me. 

When the lecture was over, my newly pregnant friend rose from where she was seated and I was struck.

She is one of the most beautiful people I know...I mean goddess beauty.

High cheekbones, tall, lightly freckled skin, quiet and graceful, her hair was now down from her hair comb and cascaded into gentle curls around her chest...beauty!

It sounds like I have a girl crush on her, but really I was just so taken back at her beauty.

It was mesmerizing, and I was just admiring how beautiful it was.

She floated across the floor and I realized at that moment, how obvious it was that we were at two very different stages in our lives. She was making a new person and I was in pre-menopausal.

I returned to a quiet home, The Barren waiting to hear how the day went.

I modeled the new clothes for him, as I was not sweating anymore and the new pants revealed that they are not only a fantastic color but also create an amazing camel toe! ahahaha and the top is a little big.

Go figure

That night I dreamt that I was pregnant, and I needed to tell people.

I was so sad about it, I was thinking to myself in the dream 

" but I was just getting use to this new child-free life, I am so old now to be having a baby"

It was a mixed bag of dream emotions.

Upon waking, I was washed in the feeling of bitter-sweetness and remembering.

It was dark still and a yoga day, so I put on my new camel-toe pants and went to class to sweat it all away.

That time of year...

It is that time of year, the time where I see my doctor and get a once over.

I was nervous about my weight and my blood count numbers and if I was gonna be in a better place than I was last year at this time.
Mostly would the doctor say I was a good patient and doing what I was suppose to be doing=
you are not gonna die from your own doing tomorrow or next week.
for some reason I don't want to disappoint my NP.

She is quite mellow and loves that I always go with a card to remind myself of all the referrals I need.

I was naked and sitting on that horrible exam table paper as we relaxed and slowly went through the medical history updates and what vitamins and exercise I am doing, when I started to sweat...I mean drip sweat.

I told her that it seems like that these days I run hot...she says it happens in the office,
but that I might be starting the menopause countdown...ugh...
Seriously, am I really already at that time in my life?

When the time came for the pelvic exam I went to lay down and realized at that moment,
that this was going to be undignified.
The whole lower half of me had sealed with the exam table paper...
it was totally coating my ass, my thighs and vagina.

I found myself peeling paper off my ass as she performed my breast exam...and when I needed to stirrup up she said I was indeed  an overachiever, as I got it stuck everywhere
...she even had to peel some away to perform the pelvic and I just stared at the ceiling and shook my head.
I told her that I seem to only experience these things when I am in her presence, and I guess she needed a new Barreness vagina experience, because our last ones where not exciting enough.
She giggled....I sighed

As she finished up and left to write up orders for mammograms and ultrasounds,
I peeled the rest of the paper off myself as best I could so I could get dressed.

said paper shreds, they appeared all day long

After giving blood and being told I was clear to go I left in search of caffeine.
I stopped at three coffee shops on the way home, I was going to binge on chai.
Not every place offers almond milk and so I stopped at two new coffee houses to test their versions, only one of them had almond milk, so I drank that one as I traveled to a third caffeine house for another!
It was my vice, and I ate a bagel too, with hummus!
Crazy I know!

My desire to do the right thing has taken over my eating patterns these days and I find I am sometimes walking a fine line in an effort to not become obsessed with counting and reducing and restricting myself.

When I make a "bad food choice", I am also trying to not beat myself up over it.

Instead think what would have been a better choice.

It is hard, and takes effort.

I am very quick to be mean to myself, and relearning to be kind is a task indeed.

emilymcdowell.com

Thankful Thursday

put you in to a better mood

I am currently working in the studio....here is a sweet bunny eating my lunch.

well, not my lunch, but what I usually eat for lunch.

be back soon

Throwback Thursday

So in honor of throwback Thursday I searched my cell phone, 

the following are images that I took on this day in 2011, 2012 and 2013

a duck on a leash

which ones should I buy organic if I have to choose

local grocery store

that is all, for now...yes, I am procrastinating

The roads walked

I'm a sucker for a funny vagina reference

I have been MIA, sorry about that.

I have been stealthily reading blogs and trying to keep up with all your beautiful lives.

I have been slightly depressed, nothing huge,or concerning just quieter...so I have kept on the down low.

The Barren and I went on a little trip, to the other side of the US.

It was cool and grey and a wonderful change from our current local that is always on the verge of bursting into flames...really. I learned that many people can barely believe that my state is in a stage two drought and that everything really is dead or dying from lack of water. It is sad, and people are now regularly performing rain dances...with conviction. for real...really

I also learned that although we live in a dry (lack of water) state, we have more produce options than others and I am thankful for that....besides the lower carbon footprint, I am use to the greens and citrus.

The place we went was quiet and magical and serene...
we did some good karma yoga to help the MIL and it was just what we needed.
We went on many walks, and looked at stars at night.
We watched sea birds and listened to the night and water lapping on the rocks outside.

Included in the highlights were the following:
I traveled for the first time (IN MY WHOLE LIFE) on a boat with out getting sick...
I used yoga breathing exercises and burst into tears when we landed, I was so proud and happy.

I ate ice cream almost everyday and felt no guilt, just joy.

We stayed for a week, and left the day our nephews and their parents (The Barren's sister, hubby and kids)
arrived for a week with the MIL

(totally unintentional to miss them, but in hindsight a good thing)

Now we are home, and things are back into the swing of things, it was a rough transition back,
 but we are on track.

I got a text from my MIL two days after we left that described her scene:

" We went to the island today.  Fantastic day.  Really warm and no breeze.  Little bam -bam had a complete and total meltdown because he couldn't run and jump all over the rocks on the cliff edge.  There were even signs  posted that said no rescue was possible if someone fell, but that didn't matter to him!  They are off having dinner and I am at home in the peace and quiet.  I think I am only having Big brother this summer.  Little bam-bam is still pretty out of control.  The Island must have been twice as crowded as when we went. What a difference a week makes! "

My nephews are wild things, totally out of control and only the eldest is over-parented; so it is no surprise that the younger is still totally out of control. This is the same nephew I apologized for at the memorial when he was running around the gathering screaming "sexy lady" while his parents shrugged and said
"what you gonna do"
*sigh*

I am now back into my practice, The Barren is traveling already for work...
 and I am fighting some serious focus issues again.
I had a wonderful time away, and returning has highlighted how over committed I am and how stretched thin I am, and how easily I am distracted from my to-do list....
There are some possible BIG changes in my art career on the horizon and I am struggling to find a way to still do all that I need to, to generate income, while trying to transition to full time art making.
I fear it will be two full time jobs for a while. I expect it will be hard and I can do that.
It is the panicked, I am struggling more with; the finances involved with this trial, and the pressure to sell enough to maintain it....or heck make a few dollars on top of covering costs!
Alas, I am charging ahead of myself...I won't know until July...so until then I am trying to make new work.
Save some cash...and be positive for a healthy heart and mind.

I have also discovered that I have really distanced myself from my infertility.
I don't think about it anymore...I don't focus on what I don't have, or should have.
I am me, and my love makes us.

I ran into an old co-worker whom I haven't seen since 2007 and she asked if I had finally had kids.
Mind you we were in a bank lobby and she has a booming voice...it drew the attention of a woman sitting in a chair waiting for a teller...I smiled and said, we tried for a long time but it didn't work. She then told me that another woman we worked with got pregnant and she would give me her number so I could call her and find out how. Inside my head I thought, I should be gracious and say thank you, but instead I said " we can't have children, I've seen many doctors and had surgery, but it is OK...we are very happy"
The lady in the chair, looked up again and then smiled and looked down.
I escorted this former co-worker outside with me, as I had had too much conversation in the bank lobby.
She told be some more about former co-workers and I was reminded how far I had traveled, and how much healthier I was now.
I have dropped my subtitle, I am no longer The Barreness: infertile woman
instead I am
The Barreness: Artist