6th grader

"Lemon make you happy~ nipple twister" cupcakes

I made these cupcakes for a friend that I know is a "boob-man"

I couldn't resist for some reason.

It just was soooo obvious to me to make these.

I can feel the shift, the "let me, be me" shift.

I am finding myself starting to walk further away from the heartbreak of being childless.

I know I can dive into that pool at any time, trip more likely

and mind you, the walk is a slow one, but I feel like I have started to walk.

That is something.

Now I am faced with this inner 6th grader, the one that wants to wear make-up and dress up in strange outfits, listen to music loud and stay up way way way too late (at least for the outer person to work well or drive safely). I don't really care what my neighbor mommies are doing, in fact I find myself prancing around the house thinking, hahaha I don't have kids I am trying to get to sleep while the sun is still out at 8:30pm.

I think I am in the middle of another growth spurt or something?!

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for my man.

We often ask each other in moments of self doubt and insecurity:

What do you love about me?

When the world beats you up and and then you have to drag your ass home and still be human it helps sometimes to know that you are still worth while to someone.

Well my sweet wonderful man asked this question of me recently and I told him this...

I love that you wait as you turn the compost, so the scrub jays can eat the worms and bugs.

I watched him for half an hour last weekend, carefully turn and shovel the compost pile...watch two very eager and trusting birds swoop down, pick thru the freshly upturned soil and then perch on the wall as hubby turned the soil again to reveal more earthly treats.

I am thankful for that man of mine.

Wordless Wednesday

I got this email from a woman in the same community garden as me...I am really not sure how to respond:

"At the workday when Flora, Fauna and I were talking about extra weight on our bodies and then jokingly we began blaming our children for the weight. I just want you to know that it was silly talk and we or I do feel fortunate to have birthed a child. I come from a a family of 10 children and only the last two of the 10 had children, either by choice or circumstance. Some sibling were satisfied with their choice and some were a bit saddened because of their situation and not having children. But it takes a village to raise a child, and so when we interact with any child either visual or verbally we are giving to them. And so what I'm saying is that, you are a mother in many ways and what you do is amazing!"

* the names have been changed to the Cinderella fairies

I can appreciate that she is being sensitive to my personal situation...but I am not sure how to really react or if I should.

 In some ways I am a touched that she wrote this to smooth whatever hurt feelings she feels might have been poked by overhearing this...in other ways I am a little insulted that she thinks that I could not interpret a casual conversation/bitch session as just that.

What do you think?

Cyst, boom, meh

The Bath by Alfred George Stevens


I should warn you now, I have had a rocky week...I debated writing about it because in many ways I didn't want to think about it again...but being who I am I decided to over share instead.

Hell, if you can not laugh at yourself, who do you have left?
I am about to talk about vaginas, sex and pimples

Lets start with the latest ultrasound, two weeks ago. I have to have them every 4ish months to keep track of my growths. I decided to go off birth control two and a half years ago and since leaving the hormones, I have grown new fibroids and cysts...all of which need to be watched because they tend to want to be overly dramatic and "rockstar" out the room. So I get pelvic ultrasounds to watch them in an effort to stay off BCP, that is my sacrifice.
I travel to a nearby town to have it done in a hospital because after years of having them done, this ONE tech has treated me like a person who has lost.

The results came back the next day and it confirmed everything is still there,
but not growing as fast as it has in the past...
so I have four more months without pills.

Since realizing that we are never gonna get pregnant (without massive assistance) I have been celebrating the joys of being off the pill...mostly that I am far more sane, my hair has stopped falling out in handfuls, and I do not get nightsweats anymore!
Plus....I want to have sex again.

This is a big deal and I am sure I am not the only one who
has experienced that lack of sexdrive after years of IF and medical interventions
and then birth control pills.

Everyone knows that sex is good for you, emotionally, mentally and for your relationship...so I was eager to have that return, because I WANT TO FEEL GOOD!

Friday rolled around and I was ready for our Friday night date (we have them still) But around 2pm I started to feel ill, dizzy and then the cramps began and my back felt like I had carried a load of bricks up a flight of stairs. The rest of the night was spent on the couch with a heat pad and a frown, while hubby made me tea and "cooked dinner"(Chinese takeout)

The rest of the weekend started slow, but I got up to speed soon, and our Friday night plans shifted to Saturday night and we had a great night being together.
We were laughing and happy and then Sunday it happened...the pin prick.

That rolled into a stab, that rolled into a personal investigation of the ladyparts.

I had a lump...a red, round, hard lump.
My poor panic room wasn't even ready for my dash and door slam. I freaked out!!
I mean who wants to find a lump on your lovely lady bits?!

I made a plan that if it hadn't changed in a day I would see the doc.
I thought, maybe we just had too much fun and it took a toll on me.

Well it did change, it got scary looking and hurt more and
I could not ignore it or wish it away so I got into the doc.

I greeted her with, "hey, so I figured I haven't shown you my vagina enough...so here I am"
She laughed at me and we took a look at the MAD, RED, HARD Bump...
she looked at it and said "oh that is a sebaceous cyst. Do you want me to pop it? "
I think that is when I tried to go to my happy place...but I realized it needed to change if I wanted to walk normal....she offered to drain it with something...she described something about something all I heard was LARGE BORE NEEDLE and my mind made everything quiet...

I said I would wait for it to resolve itself, thank you.
Needles/vagina's...I bowed out of that long ago.

As she was writing up the antibiotic prescription I looked down again
and she had blown her lid!!
I was fascinated and freaked and the doc walked over and said
"lets get it all out"...and popped it!
I thought I was going to fall off the table...I remember breathing and then feeling like my whole vagina was in a table-vice.
She took samples and said she was sorry it hurt.
I was told to soak in a bath, several times a day and try and to "get more out".
The more I massage it the better.

OK so sit in a bath and massage myself...this was getting ridiculous.

I have been doing that for the last 24hours, it is the most unsexy, unpleasant way to enjoy a bath.

I got some new bath salt to help it feel less clinical and more...well, less clinical.
10 days of antibiotics and baths, and squeezing (not for the weak)

The one gem I can take away from this is:

I encourage all of you to check your parts, and don't wait to see the doc if something doesn't look right. As embarrassing as it was, I felt empowered that I knew what was normal for me and what wasn't and that I love my vagina enough to protect it from future mishaps.

My name is The Barreness and I grow stuff

Long Long time, like yesterday

I have been filled with sorrow as of late.

I am missing my grandmothers terribly.

One passed away in September 2006, the other in December 2008.

It feels like an eternity ago I was sitting next to either,

or

feeling their hands rounding my back in a hug.

My last words with my Nana, had her laboring for breath.

As I was leaving from a visit, she reached out to me... I turned and asked her what is it ?

What are you wanting to tell me...

and thru labored breath she simply said "I love you" 

I looked at her and told her I loved her too.

Three days later she was laying on her bed, surrounded by family

taking her last breathes thru her fluid filled lungs.

I don't remember my last conversation with my grandmother...

I spoke with her often over the phone, as I was unable to visit her in the care facility she lived.

My grandfather was in one too, and since his death in 1991 I promised I would never go back into one.

Even for my grandmother.

I was a selfish granddaughter that way

So I called a lot and spoke to her on the phone, mailed her pictures of the garden and visited with her at my parents home, away from the memories of a care facility

We carved pumpkins together in October and celebrated my parents anniversary together in November, and I called to wish her a happy Hannukah in the beginning of the month.

Then I got a call to come to the hospital a few days later; she was asleep after another fall and was not going to wake up.

We were surrounding her as well, when she took her last breath

She finally escaped the body that gave her so much pain.

Now years later I am left with the emptiness of not being able to call them.

Not hearing their voice

Smelling their perfume or soft skin

Sometimes I wake from sleep, I can hear their voices say my name

I have stopped having dreams of my grandmother yelling at me,

or

my Nana driving and complaining they got her hair color all wrong

Now I simply just feel left, like they are calling me from far away

They feel so so far away

To Hell With It All

I am having one of those kind of weeks!

I am having trouble focusing on my tasks...hubby is working late all too much.

I am in a state of constant hunger and all I want to do is make it all work.

So tonight I introduce a new theme:

 "To hell with it all"

Maybe if I throw caution to the wind and kick loose a little

I can shake back into place what is out of whack

I wholeheartedly support any of you doing it too!

Life is too short for this bullshit 

Promises

I am working in the studio today and for some reason this just felt right...

ONO - No, No, No (Tom Novy Vocal Mix) by YokoOno

Her description of what inspired the song hit home:

NO, NO, NO was written and sung by a woman who was in such a pain that her heart was cracking while she kept her mind clear so she could survive for herself and for her son. Of course that was me - right after John passed away. When John was still alive, he kept whispering to Sean that he will always be there for Sean and protect him. So when John left, Sean kept saying "Promise is made to be broken." Making it light than what it was. He was in pain. Sean loved this song. Each time when I sung "I don't remember what you promeeesed" and elongated the end of it, he used to let his body go down at the same time to the floor. I remember how hard it was for me to go through that period, especially, knowing how Sean was managing to hide his tears. Yoko

All is quiet

I have been sort of quiet recently

It freaks out hubby because his first response is, something is wrong.

Thanks to the Barreness being part of our lives, we both jump to catastrophizing things first

and then back peddle from there.

I don't think anything is wrong, I am at a low hum.

~

I found myself sitting and watching the little girl across the street

play baseball in her princess dress...

layers of tulle and satin swishing as she ran back and forth

to get the ball she had just hit and return it to her mom who was throwing it to her.

Her father riding his long board skateboard around in circles and rooting her on.

I got lost in that for a while.

~

I saw myself and hubby, in those parents.

I thought of the afternoons that we would have spent, or the ideas we could have shared.

Then I got mad...mad at myself for falling for the Barreness's seductive ways.

She is a sly one, feeding me daydreams

and

spoon feeding me sweetness that she knows makes me sick.

~

So today I am trying to work; work on other things that don't hurt or kick deep down inside me:

Two cups of tea

watering the garden

going over images for new submissions

sending love notes to friends

petting the cats

kissing my hubby

Really...



I have never really dealt with the idea of PMS,

or maybe a better word is, acknowledged.

Before the whole IF nightmare began; I took great pride in the fact that no one really knew when I got my period.

I never talked about it, I was able to do anything I wanted whenever I wanted and it was a badge of honor for me...as I often felt that women were dismissed because of it.

My hubby has an thing on his phone that keeps track of my cycle; he says that it is empowering to know where I am in my body. He wants me to feel the same about it.

Ugh, whatever....

Today though, today I have found myself working uphill to make anything happen.

I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to get dressed.

I got dressed, I fed myself, I went to the garden and turned a water heavy pile of compost.

I came home and found that I just wanted to sit on the couch

watch stupid TV shows and eat the worst food for me in the house.

I am trying to not beat myself up about not being in the studio.

Not being productive

not being useful today.

I am suppose to get my period next week....but that is a whole week away!

I think I have PMS

OMG what has happened to me?!

Fotunate Friday

OK so I missed my Thankful Thursday post...and turned it into this one instead.

As Sunday approaches I decided to take to the garden early yesterday. I got a funny email from a fellow gardener reminding me that my garden was overflowing with food and it I wasn't careful I would "miss the treasures from my garden".

Well I read that after I got past the, boy your garden needs to be tended undertones

I reminded myself that my garden played a key role in my recovery from depression and that it was well worth the early morning trip to tend it.

I am thankful....

As I was quietly pulling the peas and carrots and turnips from the vines and ground I could hear myself breath. I realized I was in active meditation. I was quiet, my mind was quiet and the world around me was calm. Scrub jays were picking at the cleared earth I was leaving behind and feasting on the insects and worms.

I was even.

I was tending to my mother and celebrating her.

My hubby bought tickets to a music thing three or four months ago and told me to mark my calendar for the dinner and music night. I did and realized it was the day before my fathers birthday....it wasn't until about a week ago that we were told that it also fell on MOTHERS DAY

I kissed him and was so sosososososos thankful that we had plans, months before being aware of it, that would keep us from the flurry of the day.

My mother is a wonderful person who has come to understand that I mostly want to run for the hills on Mother's day...and that this day has dramatically shifted me in a way I will never recover from.

She and I spend time together on our whims and are not dictated by a marked day on a calendar.

My Mother-in-law, she simply wants to be acknowledged by hubby and we do that and she is happy.

I sometimes feel badly that I have taken Mother's day away from my mother, like, because of my perception of the day I am not able to celebrate her anymore.

My Aunt use to throw these elaborate parties on Mother's day, she would invite all the women in the family and all the mothers would get gifts and cooed over and told how wonderful they were. I participated in these events for years and years...then when The Barreness moved in I couldn't go.

I was chastised and scolded that I was being selfish.

So I went.

There was a moment at these parties,when all the mothers are given gifts...I remember sitting there with my smile and a sunny made up disposition and watched people on all sides of me being given gifts.

I sat with my plastered smile, paralysed.

Then I remember Hubby simply handing me a fruity something.

I spent the rest of the event holding back tears and wondering why I had folded to family pressure.

From that party on I rejected future invitations, and was scolded and "black listed" for years.

My Aunt even tried to change the name of the event to Women's Day...but still hold it on the same Sunday.

I never went back...It has been 5years and just now, I am not spoken of in hushed whispers.

This is what I think of as Mother's day...isolation, depression and shame.

My garden yesterday wiped that all away.

I think I actually saw The Barreness standing by the fence, pouting.

Thankful Thursday

Thank you all for your warm wonderful birthday wishes!

I was so deeply touched that you sent them.

Thank you most sincerely

I am so thankful to have this blog to express my deep, dark sorrow and dreams.

I am sure I am not the only one, but birthdays are markers of not only time but accomplishments for me.

In many ways far worse then the "high school reunions or post college get together".

I find that for myself, my birthday gives me time to assess what I still would like to accomplish in my life.

~

I feel thankful this year: that I am talking to others about my infertility, I am able to speak frankly about the pain and lifelong ache and

I have add the word hope on my list of words I would like to use in the coming year.

I don't use it even in casual conversations, I would like to use again without reservation or fear.

My Birthday

Today is my birthday....last year when I discovered that it fell at the same time as NIAW I was heartbroken.

I wanted a break from what I carry as the darkest part of my heart.

I realize now that it is not a curse, but a scar, a story.

I am a Barren woman

I have been to dark dark places, I have felt sadness with no end

I have cried to the point of dehydration

I have been lost

and I am still alive.

Busting my myth for NIAW

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I am busting a myth and taking names!

"You did something to cause your infertility that is why you can’t get pregnant"

According to RESOLVE there are few lifestyle choices that cause permanent damage to your fertility. I think when push comes to shove; the easiest path for most is the “blame game”.

For us the first years of our infertility was my fault; according to doctors and family at least.

I cannot tell you how often I heard that I must be doing something wrong… you must not have counted the days correctly. You must not have kept your pelvis tilted long enough? You probably didn’t have sex enough or at the right times.

If they were not focusing on our sex life; they were offering up suggestions for food, exercise, eastern medicine and rituals. In our physicians, friends and families eyes, this was entirely our fault and we had clearly overlooked something. It quickly became insulting and hurtful.

Well we were rabbits! I have been a healthy vegetarian for close to twenty years, I had never drank, I had never smoked, I took my vitamins, I moved my body, I wasn’t overweight or underweight. I was just your average healthy Jane; nothing remarkable or special about me. We explored non-traditional medicines, exercises, meditations and non-evasive medical treatments that fit our beliefs.

When I finally to complained about extreme pain (I waited several months to do this as I thought I needed to suffer to become a mother), I was told that I was overreacting to having painful periods. It was only after advocating for myself that it was discovered that there was a medical reason for my infertility, and it had NOTHING to do with my lifestyle or lack of trying.

My Infertility came from a combination of a birth defect and aggressively relentless fibroids and cysts. Nothing I could have eaten, taken, or chosen did this. Making love 24 hours a day, 7 days a week would never have changed this. It was not my fault and no one is to blame.

It is this message that is the hardest to still get thru people’s minds. The easiest route is to play the blame game; the harder choice is to be empathetic.

Be tough and make the harder choices.

I cried for you

I am feeling sentimental and kind of blue.

When I get that way I turn my thoughts to Paris.

I use to live in that city many years ago.

Not for a long time but for a sometime

an important time in my life.

When I get blue my first thought are of returning there and recapturing that romantic mood and time in my past. It was all mine, I was free in my mind, my soul and my heart. I had not known the heartbreak of a miscarriage or the loss of what I thought my future would hold.

Last night while work I was listening to this song and I was instantly transported and began to cry.

So many women talk of getting away after finding out about their infertility or having a miscarriage. I always fantasize about just that.

Taking an overnight flight, walking into a nice hotel and falling into a bed with crisp white sheets that overlooks a beautiful spot in the city. Sleeping, really sleeping... and feeling the down blankets cradle me and allow me to loose myself in that moment.

Then, awake and find myself wandering pre-dawn streets and smelling the bakeries and feel the cool autumn wind on my face....

last night this gave me no comfort, but merely had me crying.

Thankful Thursday

Seeing as that it seems to be Thursday again

and I am working on changing my normally sarcastic outlook (well,this week)

I decided to focus this energy for the powers of good

*

I am thankful that I have been able to clear a longtime clogged slate of anger

(it is a doosie; so being the experimenter that I am , I thought I would see how long they could keep me from turning away from them, ball is in their court. I showed up to the game) 

I am trying, again

*

I am also thankful that when invited to visit with a long time ago friend I didn't run for the hills when I discovered that she was 8 3/4 months pregnant.

I am thankful indeed

Thankful Thursday

I got a call from a location that had read my proposal.

I have a studio visit next week

I am thankful that someone opened my envelope and thinks my BARREN show is worth exploring further

What's in a name

I have found myself in a loop, a loop like a skipping record.

I am hearing names and remembering all the names I had picked out for children.

It seems to be overwhelming as of late; where conversations I am engaged in mention a person or friend or family member by name and it triggers an instant image of a list of names I had written.

Beautiful wonderful strings of names that, have deep meaning and symbolism to us.

Names that would surely accompany our wonderful children thru life, inspire them to help others, remember where they came from and strive to make things better for those that will follow.

Names that have been collected, researched and gathered since I was a child.

Names that have been in the family for generations, names of lost friends and beloved members of the family, names that carry spiritual meaning

Sacred names, secret names, musical names

All those names seem to be cast off into the wind, I can see them floating in front of me in the breeze.

Dancing and bobbing in the clear air

slowly moving farther and farther away from me

Infertility and pet populations

Yesterday Keiko Zoll brought to my attention this latest campaign from PETA, after reading her statement and the responses from PETA I was moved to sign the petition, please take a moment and consider it too:

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) launched a publicity campaign/contest on March 31, 2011 offering a free vasectomy to a man who spays or neuters his pet during the month of April "in honor of" National Infertility Awareness Week. Instead of honoring this community, PETA has decided that it's acceptable to ridicule, devalue, and trivialize the infertility patient community experience in the name of promoting responsible pet-ownership.
The "Win a Vasectomy" campaign is not only a mockery of everything that National Infertility Awareness Week seeks to promote, but is a cruel execution of a promotional concept at the expense of millions of patients for whom infertility is no laughing matter.


Tell PETA President Ingrid Newkirk that infertility is not a joke and demand an apology for and immediate removal of the link between their campaign and National Infertility Awareness Week.

CLICK HERE TO SIGN PETITION


As a lifelong animal lover, animal rights advocate,vegetarian, and sometimes vegan I am outraged.
I am without words....I signed the petition and have asked others to do the same.

Longing

wordless wednesday

Churning

My goddaughters live next door.

This is a mixed blessing...

We share a single wall.

Next door, the top of the stairs has a landing, that landing is the "time out" zone for the girls....

on the opposite side it is in our kitchen wall.

On Saturday, I was shaken to the core when I heard my goddaughter 

screaming, well more like shrilling in a deeply primal way and stomping her feet.

We could hear her thru the wall and feel her stomps in our floors.

Her screams left me wanting to throw up,

I was panicked, like a wild animal running for the hills during a natural disaster.

I was unable to focus on work and was pacing up and down the hall, my hubby was slowing turning up his amplifier so as to drown out the sounds.

We were both beside ourselves.

We spoke to our friends later that night and came to find out that something has shifted in her.

They are not sure what, but she is angry, mad mad angry.

The fit earlier that day, had her father wrapping himself around her like a bear-hug, so she would not hurt herself or the wall that she was punching and kicking as she let it all out.

I could do nothing and yet, 

I am not sure how I would deal with it if that was my child.

I fear I might run away and hide.

I would run

run 

run

In reflection of this, I am questioning what kind of mother I would have been...maybe this is another form of proof that I was not destined to be a mother. 

When things get hard, and painful my first impulse is to run

Lottery Ticket

My hubby is sort of coming into himself these days....

he is rethinking what makes him happy, what brings him joy,

what he wants to do and how he can follow that;

regardless where he spends his days.

Since the appearance for the work for my show

and

his inclusion of his lullaby,

he has really started to take in the harsh reality of being a family of two.

His reality checks come at strange times for him, and they are never welcomed.

His job has him working in a traditional open room, filled with cubicles; each space personally decorated with a combination of office possessions, plants and family photos.

His company is progressive and has family days, bring your kids to work day, family activities and maternity and paternity leaves.

We will not be using any of those days or do we attend any of those events.

On a recent bring your kids to work day, the company had a play room set up and encouraged workers to take shifts watching the kids play and visit with other coworkers and children...

I got a text saying:  "OMG I forgot it was BYKtWD"

My sweet man was cornered by a co-worker asking why he was not offering to watch the kids?

he simply replied "um, I am just not into that"

the co-worker then said "you don't like kids?!"

hubby said: "actually we tried for a long time to have them and it didn't happen, so I am not really ok around kids"

to that the co-worker said: " oh "

and walked away...

leaving hubby gutted and wanting to disappear.

He is asked repeatedly if he has kids; he has the classic co-worker who has just returned to work from having a baby, she works on the other side of his cubicle; cooing and evangelizing how much better her life is now that she is a mom. Her audience is her boss who is a new dad, so they talk on and off all day long about how wonderful their lives are now.

Yesterday I got another " help" text

Yesterday a young coworker came flying up the aisle of the office waving a piece of paper proclaiming that she has great news. Hubby works with her, and so he peeked out of his cube to see her and the paper picture of her uterus with new dark dot.

He said on the ride home last night that is was really strange for him, that he wanted to be excited but all he could think of was how, "she won the lottery...

A lottery that most people win."

It is at times like this that I often fall back into my own thoughts of shame and guilt.

Ones where I wonder if he should find someone else and start a life with her, make beautiful babies and live the life he was suppose to.

Not one with my faulty uterus and ovaries.

Sometimes I ask him, if he feels cheated or wants to find a new life...

not quite sure if I am really prepared for the answers.

But every time, he looks me in the eye, and tells me he

would rather walk this road with me than any road with anyone else.

For that I am thankful...

even if I never fully get over feeling guilty about it.

I have no words of comfort for him, I know they don't work in situations like this.

The real me

I tend to make grand changes when I decide to change...well I think this falls in line with that element of me.

I have decided to finally come clean....

In an effort to stop waiting, stop holding back, stop stuttering.

I have posted my exhibit for you all to see.

I am trying to get this into other venues around the US or world...I am showing this work to galleries so, why not show my sisterhood?!

See the image on the right?

click it and it links to my exhibit...

I have referred to it many times last year....but now you can see it for yourself.

I am revealing the real me

The long wait

I feel as though I am on the edge of taking a large leap and floating thru the sky never to land.

I said aloud the other day, "I am tired of my life being on hold"...in a strange holding pattern for pregnancy.

I am over 40, have no plans to have assistance in getting pregnant or becoming a mother; and am just now beginning to really see that I have been holding back.

Restraining myself most unconsciously.

After so many years of holding on, holding back and waiting.

Not eating this or eating that...thinking 9-15months ahead of time, wondering, planning, waiting.

Wanting to go here or there, do this or that, but knowing that I needed to be near a doctor or ER.

Saving money here or there not knowing when we might need it for a child or co-payment.

Everytime I moved a piece of furniture, or brought something new into the house wondering how long before I would have to move it out to make room for another person.

I am exhausted and disappointed in all this waiting and restraining.

I feel as though I am on the precipice of personal freedom

I am ready to jump out of the basket I have been carrying around that holds items I have gathered.

I am ready to LIVE again and stop waiting

I want to be free of my baby-hopes and restraints

How I spent my weekend

 I could not get past the first 5minutes of the movie Eat Pray Love,
so instead I spent my time doing something far more meaningful.

 I spent the whole weekend reading this AMAZING book from Lisa Manterfield

 Now you know I wear glasses sometimes and have twinkle lights up still.

Wordless Wednesday

I don't have a lot to say....

I sent my first of what I hope to be many proposals out to a new gallery.

I am trying in my most professional way to convince other galleries that they should host my next show.

Here is what I am telling them:

I have created a series of highly personal images focused on my infertility, these images are intimate and reticent; I have explored what it means to be infertile in a child-centric world. Infertility has colored my thoughts, outlook and perception of the world around me. The inspiration for the show was not only the discovery of my own infertility, but the silence surrounding it. The theme is one that is relatable to a growing population and thought provoking for those affected by it either personally or through relationships.

It is a hard sell, "hey everyone come into a gallery filled with heartache and pain."

But when I get discouraged I remember that someone out there is not understanding how painful it is to live daily like this. I know it does something to a viewer, something quiet but pure.... after viewing my show many people told me that they saw things differently now.

That is what I am hoping to do, change the world.

Wordless Wednesday

if anyone can find sperm art funny my sisterhood can!

snapped before the graffiti police removed it

(click to see detail)

Thankful

She plays coy....but we know her strength

First off I would like to thank the people who are now following my blog.

I have written here for years and in the last 6months I have been "discovered"....in fact the first time I realized I had "followers" I sat and stared at the screen and cried. I am not totally sure why. I think it was a combination of feeling found out, and feeling found.

So thank you ladies for your OVERWHELMINGLY kind words and love.

I do so feel it.

Yesterday was a stop at the NP, I wanted to talk about my plans, and desires for my body.

My primary care doc chose not to call to followup on the results of my MRI from December so I took control and booked an appt with the NP who treats me like a person and hears what I say.

So long crappy primary care doc...and thanks for nothing

When she came in I told her that I wanted to go over my latest results and find out what it really meant. She moved her chair all the way over to me and went thru each of the four lines of findings slowly. 

I pointed out that the cyst had shrunk between the ultrasound and the MRI (one week apart) and she mentioned that it might have ruptured a little after the ultrasound.

She also thinks that the "plucking" feeling I have is most likely Mittleschmerz or middle pain, the feeling of ovulation.

I told her I had not gone back onto the BC pills since I saw her last in Aug (for a stressed tummy) and that although she prescribed them to me, it took months to fill it and then pick it up from the pharmacy.

 It now resides in the cabinet of my bathroom....forgotten most of the time.

I told her the emotion of having to go back on them was too heavy.

I wanted to avoid them for as long as possible. I felt better off of them.

Seeing that I was still doing nothing to shrink the fibroids or the cysts, I was aware I was at risk for torsion and wanted to assess the real facts involved in making this decision.

I also told her I have been fed so many scare speeches, that if she could please simply tell me if I am acting risky. No need to stand in front of a dragon if I don't have to.

After a cyst gets about 3cm she likes to keep a close eye on it. Mine are around that size but I am feeling fine. She said she would prefer to treat me, then the cyst...if I feel fine, then we just keep an eye on the cyst and not go on the pill. I get to have ultrasounds every 4-6months instead.

She told me the warning signs of fallopian tube torsion and I understand the risk.

She told me to that I need to take vitamins and that we will assess my needs as they appear, she will do my annual and we will work together to keep me feeling good!

and that my penchant for chai or green tea is not a caffeine risk.

I felt like a person when I left, I felt normal and ok...I was so empowered that I came home and took a nap!

I awoke from a dream about two weeks ago telling my husband that I have just slain the devil...I slid a sword down its back. It fit into its spine like a sheath, it was not a triumphant feeling, but simply something I knew I could do.

He told me I was a bad-ass, and was glad I was sleeping next to him.

Wordless Wednesday

decisions and choices

Calm

I was calmly walking up and down the fully loaded aisles this afternoon on a break from work.

Well, in between having to make a deposit at the bank and return to a pile of invoices.

I was shopping at my favorite Asian Market this afternoon,

I have known the family since I was 13. Their market moved in next door to our little restaurant way back when and after all my travels in Asia, I have made their shop a monthly ritual for stocking up on long loved items that the grocery store just doesn't have.

I went to high school with the families daughters and we have always been friendly with one another.

Today I was lost in pottery and figuring out which packages of soba noodles I wanted.

I was the only one in store, besides one of the daughters who was running the register. 

( they are twins and I have never been able to tell them apart...I don't hang out enough with them to hear a nuisance in a voice or see a difference in a mannerism) 

Anyways, I am lost in noodles when I hear her say

" You never had kids, huh"

I slowly looked up and said..."we tried for a long time, but it just never happened."

She told me that she is hearing a lot of people tell her recently, and she wondered what was happening.

I casually said, maybe it was all the processed food we were raised on or something.

She said "Yeah, I mean our parents clearly didn't have the same problem"

I am aware of the difference in cultures and the manner and ease that a serious topic can be addressed so casually and this came to mind as I tried to loose myself again in the aisle of bulk spices.

When I finished finding a new variety of miso and loading my basket with bulgar and the like, I took it to the register. We looked and each other and I found myself compelled to complete the thought that she had started.

" We have tried for close to 6 years now and it just doesn't happen"

her response

" Do you know who's fault it is? "

then a voice that was so calm and sure came from my mouth, before I even realized that I had responded

" it is no ones fault. We simply can not stay pregnant"

She said she had seen a science show about infertility and that a woman was talking about miscarriage and that she had lost four pregnancies before deciding that it was too much to bear emotionally and she adopted instead.

I looked at her and said, "yes, it is a horrible experience."

He brother-in-law entered the store with a sleeping baby in a carrier and quickly whisked it off to the back of the shop.

I watched him with my eyes and she looked and me and said, that her nephew takes his nap in back with her parents watching over him.

I paid for my stuff and she said, your brother has kids right? I said yep, I have three nephews and a niece.

At that I wished her a great day and to say hello to her parents for me.

I got into the car and buckled myself in, I decided The Barreness can take care of herself.

a horrible possiblity

I am still on a slippery slope...but feel I am at least moving upwards.

At dinner last night I was feeling lighter then I have been in a few days and then something brought up the topic of acne....and my hubby said " you know the article about accutane " my head stopped and I dipped back below the surface.

I was just 11 or 12 when the dermatologist wanted to start me on the trials of this drug...being 12 I was afraid of needles (the drug required regular blood work while taking it) so I waited until I was 17 to take it. I had HORRIBLE cystic acne, I was on antibiotics for years for it, as well as all sorts of topical creams and dealt with invasive procedures all in hopes to reduce my acne. This acne had already wiped away all my self-esteem and still has it lasting effects to this day with me trusting people.

I was teased horribly for YEARS as an elementary kid, jr high kid and then high schooler.

I had one friend, and she was considered the fat girl that no one talked to.

 I also had braces and glasses...so my image of myself was not a bright one.

I was the stereotype they had in movies.

At 16/17 I finally had had enough and went on the drug, it worked great but after the first round was over my acne came back again...I was told "this only happens in 3% of the cases" well meet miss 3%

so I went on another round and that knocked it all away.

My boyfriend at the time was also on it and we would get our blood work done at the same time,

romantic I know.

So after last nights reminder, I was shot back to being a little kid and my bullies telling me to put my head in a bag as "you are not worth looking at"  that bullies name was James. I remember you.

I wonder if I would have made different choices if I had known that I was possibly taking away my chance to become a mother.

wordless wednesday

Crap

I am currently fighting a case of the blues.

Well, I don't really fight them anymore really. I simply let it come and be...I have found that my past methods of brushing them aside simply piles it all up into a corner and then then tumbles down onto me later when I am feeling like myself and under control.

*

Maybe it is the new years arrival, maybe it is the presence of birth control pills in my house.

The birth announcements, or the season.

Maybe it is something else.

*

Regardless, I am sad and am trying to figure out why

*

I am wanting to turn my life upside down again, like a strong shake will make the last pieces fall into place or something. I go thru these phases of wanting to cut my hair, wear different clothes, become a different person.
These usually fade away with a few baths and I remember that I have not won the lottery so my plans to run away and join the circus are not really do-able yet.
I actually use to practice balancing acts as a child in case the circus needed someone
(but that is another story)

Until I can figure this latest round out, I am quiet, moody and weepy.

Surviving

Santa at the mall

I have been quite moody as of late.

I have been having panic attacks, and sleeping poorly.

I have been dreaming of bugs, and roller skates and babies and waterfalls and all of them have me searching.

I am exhausted when I awake.

I have found myself overwhelmed by the simply things in life, like deciding what to eat for dinner.

I need a break, but I am trying to find a time when that can happen.

I tried to see Santa at the mall with my father; it is a new tradition that we have started. Being a Jewish kid, we were really never part of the magic that is Santa, and my father and mother simply fed us what they were taught too. Now my dad and I try to have a picture taken with Santa, I have told him that it simply means we believe in magic, nothing more nothing less.

He called me and asked if I wanted to go I was delighted by the idea, blinded by what I might encounter.

My parents arrived and we headed to see the bearded man, there was a LONG line filled with babies, toddlers and mothers. I looked at my dad and said " I don't think my management skills are gonna cover me" he looked at me, my mother looked at me...I stood there for a moment longer, assessing the crowd again...and feeling the primal need to run, run away fast and hard....I swallowed hard and said again " I can not do this right now" totally heartbroken.

We left the line and I was shaken to the core.

We walked and really said nothing much more, I found myself apologizing.

Asking for forgiveness for my weakness.

I really wanted to feel the magic, I really wanted that photo with my father, his act of rebellion against all that he was taught. I couldn't have it this year.

As strong as I thought I was, I found myself just as weak.

I did manage to fight back tears, and not cry in front of them.

I am still not sure why I choose to not cry, I am always crying in public places...

but not this time.

Christmas came and went and the new year is around the corner.

We still need to make our holiday cards...

worm hole

I had dreams that I was turning into an earthworm, but couldn't finish the transition as I was stuck at some stage of the metamorphosis.

I called my doctors office yesterday as the waiting was too heavy to continue to carry.

My doctor was not in the office, so I asked to speak with the nurse that has been so so wonderful to talk to on the phone. She came thru again like a magic maker. She looked thru my doctors papers and called me back with results.

She told me that I had a cyst on my ovary, but more importantly, it was fluid filled, no solid mass and did not appear to be malignant or questionable.

Great news....it doesn't look cancerous.

My uterus is tilted and they could see my fibroids.

No new news, or new bad news.

I am back to looking at my prescription for the pill and seeing how I feel about filling it.

Modesty

After a night of childbirth dreams, which I am sure were spurred by my overnight cramping;

 I awoke to my period.

A week early and on the day of my pelvic MRI.

I know now The Barreness is pulling no punches.

I am not going to take any pain meds before the MRI so that all is shown it is glory, no abridged story here.

My sense of modesty has flown out the window, as I called to ask if I can wear a tampon for the MRI.

I feel like I did in Jr High when I got my period at school and had to run home to change clothes.

I am fighting the nausea that the pain brings....I am shaking from the nerves, I am visualizing my ovary surviving its hostile takeover. 

Mellow

© The Barreness
all rights reserved

I have my MRI on tomorrow morning. The location only offers a closed MRI machine so I am being prescribed a "mellow the hell out" pill to make me not think all those horrible things, or at least not care about them while a powerful magnetic field is used to align the magnetization of some atoms in my body, which will create a radio frequency field to systematically alter the alignment of this magnetization. This will cause my nuclei to produce a rotating magnetic field detectable by the scanner—and this information is recorded to construct an image of my uterus, ovaries and pelvis. 

really it is quite scientific, nothing to be emotional about, 

nothing to be freaking out about.

I had an MRI once before, of my brain though 

and I was in an open MRI 

while my hubby held my ankle 

so I wouldn't cry from fear of what they might find.

Hubby has made arrangements to be at this one too, hopefully he can hold whatever part of me is still sticking out of the thing so I don't feel so lost and scared. I don't think I am scared of small spaces, but when I think of it, under the conditions I am there I want a " I don't give a fuck" pill, followed by a long nap of forgetting all my concerns with magical make it all go away dreams.

During my recent panic attacks I have been mad at myself for wanting to try and live off the pill, as this is the reaction. I continued to wait and tempt the Barreness with more opportunities to build new fibroids and cysts and she took that chance and moved in. Now I have something growing in me that is causing concern. I just hope I can get the wheel to start spinning in the other direction and save my ovary from her.

I will know more as the week passes.

I really don't like the feeling of doctors making passing glances at my films and making life altering suggestions for me. The long history of being in this place has left me feeling skeptical of them, I really wanted a healer, a compassionate healer. 

Last Night

Last nights dream was filled with symbols it was like a crazy decorated room:

I was wandering around in a room when my cat came racing in with something in it's mouth...I stopped it and found that he was carrying a kitten, a newly born kitten. I took it from his mouth and handed it to my husband and said "hold this I am going to see where he got it from". Then said that maybe this is why our cat has been so freaked out lately.

On turning around to see where he had run from I saw a pocket in the carpet that had a mama cat and a pool of kittens. She had crazy eyes and pulled the carpet back over herself while asking me to bring back her kitten. I wandered into the next room, that was filled with bathroom stalls, and the largest had the door swing open, and inside was another mama cat with a pool of kittens; as well there was a woman I know (I have just reconnected with) that was in a 50's style dressing gown (sheer puffy sleeved top that separates in front for breast feeding, something I have seen mothers wear in 50's movies while sitting in a hospital bed after having a baby) anyways, this woman was pacing and rubbing her hands, clearing concerned. I asked what was wrong and she described how she had been measuring her belly button so it was big enough for an amnio,something with the number 9 and started to cry. She had had her baby (this woman in awakened life tried IVF several times and never conceived) I hugged her and she whispered to me that she would have to give him up for adoption.

I remember rubbing her back and then leaving her and heading out a door, only to walk over more kittens.

I started to run....up a steep hill and then the hill turned into a series of staircases....and I started running up the stairs and running I said to myself, "I have run a marathon before I can do this"

and then was trying to remember when I had run this marathon....

at this I awoke.

Ode to The Barreness

Is there anybody going to listen to my story
All about the girl who came to stay?
She's the kind of girl you want so much it makes you sorry
Still you don't regret a single day
Ah girl, girl
 

When I think of all the times I tried so hard to leave her
She will turn to me and start to cry
And she promises the earth to me and I believe her
After all this time, I don't know why
Ah girl, girl

She's the kind of girl who puts you down
When friends are there, you feel a fool
When you say she's looking good
She acts as if it's understood
She's cool, oh
Ah girl, girl

Was she told when she was young the pain would lead to pleasure?
Did she understand it when they said
That a man must break his back to earn his day of leisure
Will she still believe it when he's dead?
Ah girl, girl