My Birthday

Today is my birthday....last year when I discovered that it fell at the same time as NIAW I was heartbroken.

I wanted a break from what I carry as the darkest part of my heart.

I realize now that it is not a curse, but a scar, a story.

I am a Barren woman

I have been to dark dark places, I have felt sadness with no end

I have cried to the point of dehydration

I have been lost

and I am still alive.

Busting my myth for NIAW

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I am busting a myth and taking names!

"You did something to cause your infertility that is why you can’t get pregnant"

According to RESOLVE there are few lifestyle choices that cause permanent damage to your fertility. I think when push comes to shove; the easiest path for most is the “blame game”.

For us the first years of our infertility was my fault; according to doctors and family at least.

I cannot tell you how often I heard that I must be doing something wrong… you must not have counted the days correctly. You must not have kept your pelvis tilted long enough? You probably didn’t have sex enough or at the right times.

If they were not focusing on our sex life; they were offering up suggestions for food, exercise, eastern medicine and rituals. In our physicians, friends and families eyes, this was entirely our fault and we had clearly overlooked something. It quickly became insulting and hurtful.

Well we were rabbits! I have been a healthy vegetarian for close to twenty years, I had never drank, I had never smoked, I took my vitamins, I moved my body, I wasn’t overweight or underweight. I was just your average healthy Jane; nothing remarkable or special about me. We explored non-traditional medicines, exercises, meditations and non-evasive medical treatments that fit our beliefs.

When I finally to complained about extreme pain (I waited several months to do this as I thought I needed to suffer to become a mother), I was told that I was overreacting to having painful periods. It was only after advocating for myself that it was discovered that there was a medical reason for my infertility, and it had NOTHING to do with my lifestyle or lack of trying.

My Infertility came from a combination of a birth defect and aggressively relentless fibroids and cysts. Nothing I could have eaten, taken, or chosen did this. Making love 24 hours a day, 7 days a week would never have changed this. It was not my fault and no one is to blame.

It is this message that is the hardest to still get thru people’s minds. The easiest route is to play the blame game; the harder choice is to be empathetic.

Be tough and make the harder choices.

I cried for you

I am feeling sentimental and kind of blue.

When I get that way I turn my thoughts to Paris.

I use to live in that city many years ago.

Not for a long time but for a sometime

an important time in my life.

When I get blue my first thought are of returning there and recapturing that romantic mood and time in my past. It was all mine, I was free in my mind, my soul and my heart. I had not known the heartbreak of a miscarriage or the loss of what I thought my future would hold.

Last night while work I was listening to this song and I was instantly transported and began to cry.

So many women talk of getting away after finding out about their infertility or having a miscarriage. I always fantasize about just that.

Taking an overnight flight, walking into a nice hotel and falling into a bed with crisp white sheets that overlooks a beautiful spot in the city. Sleeping, really sleeping... and feeling the down blankets cradle me and allow me to loose myself in that moment.

Then, awake and find myself wandering pre-dawn streets and smelling the bakeries and feel the cool autumn wind on my face....

last night this gave me no comfort, but merely had me crying.

Thankful Thursday

Seeing as that it seems to be Thursday again

and I am working on changing my normally sarcastic outlook (well,this week)

I decided to focus this energy for the powers of good

*

I am thankful that I have been able to clear a longtime clogged slate of anger

(it is a doosie; so being the experimenter that I am , I thought I would see how long they could keep me from turning away from them, ball is in their court. I showed up to the game) 

I am trying, again

*

I am also thankful that when invited to visit with a long time ago friend I didn't run for the hills when I discovered that she was 8 3/4 months pregnant.

I am thankful indeed

Thankful Thursday

I got a call from a location that had read my proposal.

I have a studio visit next week

I am thankful that someone opened my envelope and thinks my BARREN show is worth exploring further

What's in a name

I have found myself in a loop, a loop like a skipping record.

I am hearing names and remembering all the names I had picked out for children.

It seems to be overwhelming as of late; where conversations I am engaged in mention a person or friend or family member by name and it triggers an instant image of a list of names I had written.

Beautiful wonderful strings of names that, have deep meaning and symbolism to us.

Names that would surely accompany our wonderful children thru life, inspire them to help others, remember where they came from and strive to make things better for those that will follow.

Names that have been collected, researched and gathered since I was a child.

Names that have been in the family for generations, names of lost friends and beloved members of the family, names that carry spiritual meaning

Sacred names, secret names, musical names

All those names seem to be cast off into the wind, I can see them floating in front of me in the breeze.

Dancing and bobbing in the clear air

slowly moving farther and farther away from me

Infertility and pet populations

Yesterday Keiko Zoll brought to my attention this latest campaign from PETA, after reading her statement and the responses from PETA I was moved to sign the petition, please take a moment and consider it too:

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) launched a publicity campaign/contest on March 31, 2011 offering a free vasectomy to a man who spays or neuters his pet during the month of April "in honor of" National Infertility Awareness Week. Instead of honoring this community, PETA has decided that it's acceptable to ridicule, devalue, and trivialize the infertility patient community experience in the name of promoting responsible pet-ownership.
The "Win a Vasectomy" campaign is not only a mockery of everything that National Infertility Awareness Week seeks to promote, but is a cruel execution of a promotional concept at the expense of millions of patients for whom infertility is no laughing matter.


Tell PETA President Ingrid Newkirk that infertility is not a joke and demand an apology for and immediate removal of the link between their campaign and National Infertility Awareness Week.

CLICK HERE TO SIGN PETITION


As a lifelong animal lover, animal rights advocate,vegetarian, and sometimes vegan I am outraged.
I am without words....I signed the petition and have asked others to do the same.

Longing

wordless wednesday

Churning

My goddaughters live next door.

This is a mixed blessing...

We share a single wall.

Next door, the top of the stairs has a landing, that landing is the "time out" zone for the girls....

on the opposite side it is in our kitchen wall.

On Saturday, I was shaken to the core when I heard my goddaughter 

screaming, well more like shrilling in a deeply primal way and stomping her feet.

We could hear her thru the wall and feel her stomps in our floors.

Her screams left me wanting to throw up,

I was panicked, like a wild animal running for the hills during a natural disaster.

I was unable to focus on work and was pacing up and down the hall, my hubby was slowing turning up his amplifier so as to drown out the sounds.

We were both beside ourselves.

We spoke to our friends later that night and came to find out that something has shifted in her.

They are not sure what, but she is angry, mad mad angry.

The fit earlier that day, had her father wrapping himself around her like a bear-hug, so she would not hurt herself or the wall that she was punching and kicking as she let it all out.

I could do nothing and yet, 

I am not sure how I would deal with it if that was my child.

I fear I might run away and hide.

I would run

run 

run

In reflection of this, I am questioning what kind of mother I would have been...maybe this is another form of proof that I was not destined to be a mother. 

When things get hard, and painful my first impulse is to run

Lottery Ticket

My hubby is sort of coming into himself these days....

he is rethinking what makes him happy, what brings him joy,

what he wants to do and how he can follow that;

regardless where he spends his days.

Since the appearance for the work for my show

and

his inclusion of his lullaby,

he has really started to take in the harsh reality of being a family of two.

His reality checks come at strange times for him, and they are never welcomed.

His job has him working in a traditional open room, filled with cubicles; each space personally decorated with a combination of office possessions, plants and family photos.

His company is progressive and has family days, bring your kids to work day, family activities and maternity and paternity leaves.

We will not be using any of those days or do we attend any of those events.

On a recent bring your kids to work day, the company had a play room set up and encouraged workers to take shifts watching the kids play and visit with other coworkers and children...

I got a text saying:  "OMG I forgot it was BYKtWD"

My sweet man was cornered by a co-worker asking why he was not offering to watch the kids?

he simply replied "um, I am just not into that"

the co-worker then said "you don't like kids?!"

hubby said: "actually we tried for a long time to have them and it didn't happen, so I am not really ok around kids"

to that the co-worker said: " oh "

and walked away...

leaving hubby gutted and wanting to disappear.

He is asked repeatedly if he has kids; he has the classic co-worker who has just returned to work from having a baby, she works on the other side of his cubicle; cooing and evangelizing how much better her life is now that she is a mom. Her audience is her boss who is a new dad, so they talk on and off all day long about how wonderful their lives are now.

Yesterday I got another " help" text

Yesterday a young coworker came flying up the aisle of the office waving a piece of paper proclaiming that she has great news. Hubby works with her, and so he peeked out of his cube to see her and the paper picture of her uterus with new dark dot.

He said on the ride home last night that is was really strange for him, that he wanted to be excited but all he could think of was how, "she won the lottery...

A lottery that most people win."

It is at times like this that I often fall back into my own thoughts of shame and guilt.

Ones where I wonder if he should find someone else and start a life with her, make beautiful babies and live the life he was suppose to.

Not one with my faulty uterus and ovaries.

Sometimes I ask him, if he feels cheated or wants to find a new life...

not quite sure if I am really prepared for the answers.

But every time, he looks me in the eye, and tells me he

would rather walk this road with me than any road with anyone else.

For that I am thankful...

even if I never fully get over feeling guilty about it.

I have no words of comfort for him, I know they don't work in situations like this.

The real me

I tend to make grand changes when I decide to change...well I think this falls in line with that element of me.

I have decided to finally come clean....

In an effort to stop waiting, stop holding back, stop stuttering.

I have posted my exhibit for you all to see.

I am trying to get this into other venues around the US or world...I am showing this work to galleries so, why not show my sisterhood?!

See the image on the right?

click it and it links to my exhibit...

I have referred to it many times last year....but now you can see it for yourself.

I am revealing the real me

The long wait

I feel as though I am on the edge of taking a large leap and floating thru the sky never to land.

I said aloud the other day, "I am tired of my life being on hold"...in a strange holding pattern for pregnancy.

I am over 40, have no plans to have assistance in getting pregnant or becoming a mother; and am just now beginning to really see that I have been holding back.

Restraining myself most unconsciously.

After so many years of holding on, holding back and waiting.

Not eating this or eating that...thinking 9-15months ahead of time, wondering, planning, waiting.

Wanting to go here or there, do this or that, but knowing that I needed to be near a doctor or ER.

Saving money here or there not knowing when we might need it for a child or co-payment.

Everytime I moved a piece of furniture, or brought something new into the house wondering how long before I would have to move it out to make room for another person.

I am exhausted and disappointed in all this waiting and restraining.

I feel as though I am on the precipice of personal freedom

I am ready to jump out of the basket I have been carrying around that holds items I have gathered.

I am ready to LIVE again and stop waiting

I want to be free of my baby-hopes and restraints

How I spent my weekend

 I could not get past the first 5minutes of the movie Eat Pray Love,
so instead I spent my time doing something far more meaningful.

 I spent the whole weekend reading this AMAZING book from Lisa Manterfield

 Now you know I wear glasses sometimes and have twinkle lights up still.

Wordless Wednesday

I don't have a lot to say....

I sent my first of what I hope to be many proposals out to a new gallery.

I am trying in my most professional way to convince other galleries that they should host my next show.

Here is what I am telling them:

I have created a series of highly personal images focused on my infertility, these images are intimate and reticent; I have explored what it means to be infertile in a child-centric world. Infertility has colored my thoughts, outlook and perception of the world around me. The inspiration for the show was not only the discovery of my own infertility, but the silence surrounding it. The theme is one that is relatable to a growing population and thought provoking for those affected by it either personally or through relationships.

It is a hard sell, "hey everyone come into a gallery filled with heartache and pain."

But when I get discouraged I remember that someone out there is not understanding how painful it is to live daily like this. I know it does something to a viewer, something quiet but pure.... after viewing my show many people told me that they saw things differently now.

That is what I am hoping to do, change the world.

Wordless Wednesday

if anyone can find sperm art funny my sisterhood can!

snapped before the graffiti police removed it

(click to see detail)

Thankful

She plays coy....but we know her strength

First off I would like to thank the people who are now following my blog.

I have written here for years and in the last 6months I have been "discovered"....in fact the first time I realized I had "followers" I sat and stared at the screen and cried. I am not totally sure why. I think it was a combination of feeling found out, and feeling found.

So thank you ladies for your OVERWHELMINGLY kind words and love.

I do so feel it.

Yesterday was a stop at the NP, I wanted to talk about my plans, and desires for my body.

My primary care doc chose not to call to followup on the results of my MRI from December so I took control and booked an appt with the NP who treats me like a person and hears what I say.

So long crappy primary care doc...and thanks for nothing

When she came in I told her that I wanted to go over my latest results and find out what it really meant. She moved her chair all the way over to me and went thru each of the four lines of findings slowly. 

I pointed out that the cyst had shrunk between the ultrasound and the MRI (one week apart) and she mentioned that it might have ruptured a little after the ultrasound.

She also thinks that the "plucking" feeling I have is most likely Mittleschmerz or middle pain, the feeling of ovulation.

I told her I had not gone back onto the BC pills since I saw her last in Aug (for a stressed tummy) and that although she prescribed them to me, it took months to fill it and then pick it up from the pharmacy.

 It now resides in the cabinet of my bathroom....forgotten most of the time.

I told her the emotion of having to go back on them was too heavy.

I wanted to avoid them for as long as possible. I felt better off of them.

Seeing that I was still doing nothing to shrink the fibroids or the cysts, I was aware I was at risk for torsion and wanted to assess the real facts involved in making this decision.

I also told her I have been fed so many scare speeches, that if she could please simply tell me if I am acting risky. No need to stand in front of a dragon if I don't have to.

After a cyst gets about 3cm she likes to keep a close eye on it. Mine are around that size but I am feeling fine. She said she would prefer to treat me, then the cyst...if I feel fine, then we just keep an eye on the cyst and not go on the pill. I get to have ultrasounds every 4-6months instead.

She told me the warning signs of fallopian tube torsion and I understand the risk.

She told me to that I need to take vitamins and that we will assess my needs as they appear, she will do my annual and we will work together to keep me feeling good!

and that my penchant for chai or green tea is not a caffeine risk.

I felt like a person when I left, I felt normal and ok...I was so empowered that I came home and took a nap!

I awoke from a dream about two weeks ago telling my husband that I have just slain the devil...I slid a sword down its back. It fit into its spine like a sheath, it was not a triumphant feeling, but simply something I knew I could do.

He told me I was a bad-ass, and was glad I was sleeping next to him.

Wordless Wednesday

decisions and choices

Calm

I was calmly walking up and down the fully loaded aisles this afternoon on a break from work.

Well, in between having to make a deposit at the bank and return to a pile of invoices.

I was shopping at my favorite Asian Market this afternoon,

I have known the family since I was 13. Their market moved in next door to our little restaurant way back when and after all my travels in Asia, I have made their shop a monthly ritual for stocking up on long loved items that the grocery store just doesn't have.

I went to high school with the families daughters and we have always been friendly with one another.

Today I was lost in pottery and figuring out which packages of soba noodles I wanted.

I was the only one in store, besides one of the daughters who was running the register. 

( they are twins and I have never been able to tell them apart...I don't hang out enough with them to hear a nuisance in a voice or see a difference in a mannerism) 

Anyways, I am lost in noodles when I hear her say

" You never had kids, huh"

I slowly looked up and said..."we tried for a long time, but it just never happened."

She told me that she is hearing a lot of people tell her recently, and she wondered what was happening.

I casually said, maybe it was all the processed food we were raised on or something.

She said "Yeah, I mean our parents clearly didn't have the same problem"

I am aware of the difference in cultures and the manner and ease that a serious topic can be addressed so casually and this came to mind as I tried to loose myself again in the aisle of bulk spices.

When I finished finding a new variety of miso and loading my basket with bulgar and the like, I took it to the register. We looked and each other and I found myself compelled to complete the thought that she had started.

" We have tried for close to 6 years now and it just doesn't happen"

her response

" Do you know who's fault it is? "

then a voice that was so calm and sure came from my mouth, before I even realized that I had responded

" it is no ones fault. We simply can not stay pregnant"

She said she had seen a science show about infertility and that a woman was talking about miscarriage and that she had lost four pregnancies before deciding that it was too much to bear emotionally and she adopted instead.

I looked at her and said, "yes, it is a horrible experience."

He brother-in-law entered the store with a sleeping baby in a carrier and quickly whisked it off to the back of the shop.

I watched him with my eyes and she looked and me and said, that her nephew takes his nap in back with her parents watching over him.

I paid for my stuff and she said, your brother has kids right? I said yep, I have three nephews and a niece.

At that I wished her a great day and to say hello to her parents for me.

I got into the car and buckled myself in, I decided The Barreness can take care of herself.

a horrible possiblity

I am still on a slippery slope...but feel I am at least moving upwards.

At dinner last night I was feeling lighter then I have been in a few days and then something brought up the topic of acne....and my hubby said " you know the article about accutane " my head stopped and I dipped back below the surface.

I was just 11 or 12 when the dermatologist wanted to start me on the trials of this drug...being 12 I was afraid of needles (the drug required regular blood work while taking it) so I waited until I was 17 to take it. I had HORRIBLE cystic acne, I was on antibiotics for years for it, as well as all sorts of topical creams and dealt with invasive procedures all in hopes to reduce my acne. This acne had already wiped away all my self-esteem and still has it lasting effects to this day with me trusting people.

I was teased horribly for YEARS as an elementary kid, jr high kid and then high schooler.

I had one friend, and she was considered the fat girl that no one talked to.

 I also had braces and glasses...so my image of myself was not a bright one.

I was the stereotype they had in movies.

At 16/17 I finally had had enough and went on the drug, it worked great but after the first round was over my acne came back again...I was told "this only happens in 3% of the cases" well meet miss 3%

so I went on another round and that knocked it all away.

My boyfriend at the time was also on it and we would get our blood work done at the same time,

romantic I know.

So after last nights reminder, I was shot back to being a little kid and my bullies telling me to put my head in a bag as "you are not worth looking at"  that bullies name was James. I remember you.

I wonder if I would have made different choices if I had known that I was possibly taking away my chance to become a mother.

wordless wednesday

Crap

I am currently fighting a case of the blues.

Well, I don't really fight them anymore really. I simply let it come and be...I have found that my past methods of brushing them aside simply piles it all up into a corner and then then tumbles down onto me later when I am feeling like myself and under control.

*

Maybe it is the new years arrival, maybe it is the presence of birth control pills in my house.

The birth announcements, or the season.

Maybe it is something else.

*

Regardless, I am sad and am trying to figure out why

*

I am wanting to turn my life upside down again, like a strong shake will make the last pieces fall into place or something. I go thru these phases of wanting to cut my hair, wear different clothes, become a different person.
These usually fade away with a few baths and I remember that I have not won the lottery so my plans to run away and join the circus are not really do-able yet.
I actually use to practice balancing acts as a child in case the circus needed someone
(but that is another story)

Until I can figure this latest round out, I am quiet, moody and weepy.

Surviving

Santa at the mall

I have been quite moody as of late.

I have been having panic attacks, and sleeping poorly.

I have been dreaming of bugs, and roller skates and babies and waterfalls and all of them have me searching.

I am exhausted when I awake.

I have found myself overwhelmed by the simply things in life, like deciding what to eat for dinner.

I need a break, but I am trying to find a time when that can happen.

I tried to see Santa at the mall with my father; it is a new tradition that we have started. Being a Jewish kid, we were really never part of the magic that is Santa, and my father and mother simply fed us what they were taught too. Now my dad and I try to have a picture taken with Santa, I have told him that it simply means we believe in magic, nothing more nothing less.

He called me and asked if I wanted to go I was delighted by the idea, blinded by what I might encounter.

My parents arrived and we headed to see the bearded man, there was a LONG line filled with babies, toddlers and mothers. I looked at my dad and said " I don't think my management skills are gonna cover me" he looked at me, my mother looked at me...I stood there for a moment longer, assessing the crowd again...and feeling the primal need to run, run away fast and hard....I swallowed hard and said again " I can not do this right now" totally heartbroken.

We left the line and I was shaken to the core.

We walked and really said nothing much more, I found myself apologizing.

Asking for forgiveness for my weakness.

I really wanted to feel the magic, I really wanted that photo with my father, his act of rebellion against all that he was taught. I couldn't have it this year.

As strong as I thought I was, I found myself just as weak.

I did manage to fight back tears, and not cry in front of them.

I am still not sure why I choose to not cry, I am always crying in public places...

but not this time.

Christmas came and went and the new year is around the corner.

We still need to make our holiday cards...

worm hole

I had dreams that I was turning into an earthworm, but couldn't finish the transition as I was stuck at some stage of the metamorphosis.

I called my doctors office yesterday as the waiting was too heavy to continue to carry.

My doctor was not in the office, so I asked to speak with the nurse that has been so so wonderful to talk to on the phone. She came thru again like a magic maker. She looked thru my doctors papers and called me back with results.

She told me that I had a cyst on my ovary, but more importantly, it was fluid filled, no solid mass and did not appear to be malignant or questionable.

Great news....it doesn't look cancerous.

My uterus is tilted and they could see my fibroids.

No new news, or new bad news.

I am back to looking at my prescription for the pill and seeing how I feel about filling it.

Modesty

After a night of childbirth dreams, which I am sure were spurred by my overnight cramping;

 I awoke to my period.

A week early and on the day of my pelvic MRI.

I know now The Barreness is pulling no punches.

I am not going to take any pain meds before the MRI so that all is shown it is glory, no abridged story here.

My sense of modesty has flown out the window, as I called to ask if I can wear a tampon for the MRI.

I feel like I did in Jr High when I got my period at school and had to run home to change clothes.

I am fighting the nausea that the pain brings....I am shaking from the nerves, I am visualizing my ovary surviving its hostile takeover. 

Mellow

© The Barreness
all rights reserved

I have my MRI on tomorrow morning. The location only offers a closed MRI machine so I am being prescribed a "mellow the hell out" pill to make me not think all those horrible things, or at least not care about them while a powerful magnetic field is used to align the magnetization of some atoms in my body, which will create a radio frequency field to systematically alter the alignment of this magnetization. This will cause my nuclei to produce a rotating magnetic field detectable by the scanner—and this information is recorded to construct an image of my uterus, ovaries and pelvis. 

really it is quite scientific, nothing to be emotional about, 

nothing to be freaking out about.

I had an MRI once before, of my brain though 

and I was in an open MRI 

while my hubby held my ankle 

so I wouldn't cry from fear of what they might find.

Hubby has made arrangements to be at this one too, hopefully he can hold whatever part of me is still sticking out of the thing so I don't feel so lost and scared. I don't think I am scared of small spaces, but when I think of it, under the conditions I am there I want a " I don't give a fuck" pill, followed by a long nap of forgetting all my concerns with magical make it all go away dreams.

During my recent panic attacks I have been mad at myself for wanting to try and live off the pill, as this is the reaction. I continued to wait and tempt the Barreness with more opportunities to build new fibroids and cysts and she took that chance and moved in. Now I have something growing in me that is causing concern. I just hope I can get the wheel to start spinning in the other direction and save my ovary from her.

I will know more as the week passes.

I really don't like the feeling of doctors making passing glances at my films and making life altering suggestions for me. The long history of being in this place has left me feeling skeptical of them, I really wanted a healer, a compassionate healer. 

Last Night

Last nights dream was filled with symbols it was like a crazy decorated room:

I was wandering around in a room when my cat came racing in with something in it's mouth...I stopped it and found that he was carrying a kitten, a newly born kitten. I took it from his mouth and handed it to my husband and said "hold this I am going to see where he got it from". Then said that maybe this is why our cat has been so freaked out lately.

On turning around to see where he had run from I saw a pocket in the carpet that had a mama cat and a pool of kittens. She had crazy eyes and pulled the carpet back over herself while asking me to bring back her kitten. I wandered into the next room, that was filled with bathroom stalls, and the largest had the door swing open, and inside was another mama cat with a pool of kittens; as well there was a woman I know (I have just reconnected with) that was in a 50's style dressing gown (sheer puffy sleeved top that separates in front for breast feeding, something I have seen mothers wear in 50's movies while sitting in a hospital bed after having a baby) anyways, this woman was pacing and rubbing her hands, clearing concerned. I asked what was wrong and she described how she had been measuring her belly button so it was big enough for an amnio,something with the number 9 and started to cry. She had had her baby (this woman in awakened life tried IVF several times and never conceived) I hugged her and she whispered to me that she would have to give him up for adoption.

I remember rubbing her back and then leaving her and heading out a door, only to walk over more kittens.

I started to run....up a steep hill and then the hill turned into a series of staircases....and I started running up the stairs and running I said to myself, "I have run a marathon before I can do this"

and then was trying to remember when I had run this marathon....

at this I awoke.

Ode to The Barreness

Is there anybody going to listen to my story
All about the girl who came to stay?
She's the kind of girl you want so much it makes you sorry
Still you don't regret a single day
Ah girl, girl
 

When I think of all the times I tried so hard to leave her
She will turn to me and start to cry
And she promises the earth to me and I believe her
After all this time, I don't know why
Ah girl, girl

She's the kind of girl who puts you down
When friends are there, you feel a fool
When you say she's looking good
She acts as if it's understood
She's cool, oh
Ah girl, girl

Was she told when she was young the pain would lead to pleasure?
Did she understand it when they said
That a man must break his back to earn his day of leisure
Will she still believe it when he's dead?
Ah girl, girl

I finished.. .

I blogged all month long, I finished NaBloPoMo

I never thought I would have so many reflections on being infertile or how it has touched me daily.

I got a call from the doctor's office...I need an MRI to determine what kind of monster we are dealing with.

In many ways I am glad to know I will finally get a picture of my questionable uterus, in other ways I am afraid of what kind of fear-speech I will get next. 

All I know is that things have grown and they have grown fast.

Soooo I am back to waiting for more information and being my own best advocate.

Initiate brave face....and smile

I might be mad at my reproductive system, but I have no desire to have it removed, or strangled or harmed.

It is mine and I am dead set on keeping it.

Only time will tell

I made it thru the exam. I drank as much water as I could, but it was not enough....

My poor uterus was slumped over my bladder for the abdominal portion of the ultrasound...so she had to push down quite hard to see all around it.

I ignored the discomfort and tried to not beat myself up about not drinking more water.

The tech was once again incredible and sympathetic and kind...I thanked her for that and it made her blush.

She is also kind enough to say out loud what she is seeing, or doing...another reason I travel out of my way to have her do the ultrasounds.

All seems to still be there, some are harder to see than others but their presence is known, the details lost.

She said very kindly...." I think I will be seeing you again soon" which is code for all is not gone.
She said under her voice that it appeared that one is quite camped out, and the cyst on my ovary is so much a part of its host that she can not tell where one ends and the other begins.

The doctor's report will state more details and measurements...I simply must wait and see.

Wait and see if this two year run is over, and for the sake of my messed up repo system I go back on the pill or I continue the wait and see. Sometimes I think, just go back onto the pill...but then I remember all the things that bum me out about it: handfuls of hair falling out, loosing the curl in what hair remains, the loss of my newly reclaimed sex drive, the mood swings...the fact that I am back on the pill.

I have been to this crossroads before and as sure at times as I am, I am just as unsure.

I know I only get this time around in this life...and I have waited a long time for this spin and have spent a lot of time waiting...simply waiting for a period, a pain to leave, a vision to come....for things to make sense.

I am still having to be patient.

I can see The Barreness, she is smirking at me...wondering which choice I will make now. She treats it like a chess match and has already calculated her moves based on my know responses.

My desire is to fool her this time.

Follow-up

I have an ultrasound at 7:45am tomorrow.

It is a follow-up to one done in July, where a complex cyst was found. The NP seemed concerned and wanted to get me in ASAP, but after she saw the date realized that we needed to wait 4 months before doing the next one.

Tomorrow is that next one. I go to a hospital, and check in to have it done, as it a tiny town and that is the way things are done. Plus the tech there was the first to be kind, compassionate and did not give me the "keep tryin" speech.

Tonight I am just working on not being nervous, I am also trying to drink more water so the AM chug of 40 ounces will not seem as extreme.

Every ultrasound has revealed a new finding, and I just hope this one reveals that the "questionable cyst" is gone or normal.

I have been experiencing new ligament discomfort, in fact most of last week was either the rocks in my bladder or the tight plucking sensation over my right ovary.

On another note, I have been off the pill for almost two years and in that time I have not had one ER visit.

One victory.

Aside

I spent the day working and avoiding work..it is a delicate balance.

The neighbor ordered a bouncy...It is parked outside my workroom. It started as white noise...a dull buzz.

Then as my distractions dropped, it came into focus of sorts.

I became more and more aware of it.

I worked as I heard squeals and jarring voices from jumping.

Then came the parent that was pretending to be a monster, chasing the children...roaring and more squealing.

Then came me mentioning a movie, a way to get out of the house.

The rain arrived shortly afterwards and the jumper fell silent,

I was thankful to Mother Nature for providing us a break from our own daydreams.

It is that time of the year

So now that Thanksgiving is a thing of the past, it is time to focus on Christmas.

At least that is what I am being fed everywhere I go

I usually watch a lot less television this time of year, as the commercials get so so hard to ignore.

There are families and traditions and colors and emotions.

It becomes harder to go the store to shop for simple things like toilet paper and salsa. There is Christmas music everywhere and children in tow. School is out and the patience level of parents drops as they mow thru stores and life trying to get things done and presents wrapped and food made.

All the while I float and bare witness to mothers yelling at their children in SUV's and fathers screaming at their kids to listen.

I caught sight of myself in the reflection of the car window today and I look tired.

 I wonder how I can get my zip back...

what can I do to pull it all together again?

I want to have a holiday, feel like everything is happy and festive.

Special and memorable, like I am creating a memory for just ourselves and that that is ok,

not just something we have settled for.

Present

Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.

 ~Cherokee Indian Proverb

I tried to keep this in mind today, I wanted to have an old fashion thanksgiving.

One where I wasn't reminded of the long road that we have walked.

I awoke early to make my great Aunt's sweet potato recipe.

Alone in the kitchen I washed and cut the tubers and put them on the stove to boil.

As I mashed them up I thought of my Aunt making the dish so many times in her life, I thought of my grandmother making the dish many times in her life and I thought of how I am now making it.

For a moment, I felt like I was connected to my past.

At the table I was asked about the sweet potato dish and as I am the only one who still makes it, I said:

I need to make sure someone can make it besides me, and in that same moment I said...

I will teach my nephew...

it was quick and I felt no pain about it.

It was like I was normal for a moment.

I am thankful for that.

Warmth

This morning before the sun was even up, we got back into our car and drove out of the ice and snow back home. Our 36 hour trip had come to an end.

Before leaving we knocked on my sister-in-laws door and were directed into the warm dark room, where we found little quiet lumps in the bed. 

I could see their little bodies, curled into soft curves, hair all disheveled.

I dreamt of this moment for myself, many time over...

walking into a dark room, smelling the soft scent of their breath in the air.

Hearing them quietly breathe and knowing that they were safe and mine.

This is the closest I can get; a welcomed visitor into a family members room.

It was heartbreaking.

I wanted to whisper into their ear during their early morning dreams; but all I could do was rest my hand onto their head feel their silken hair in my fingers and quickly kiss their cheek.

Hopefully I was able to let them know I loved them, even if I still wasn't strong enough to sit and watch them sleep.

A Quiet Moment

After a loud morning, filled with conversations about coloring,exploding trucks and mini fridges being flung open and their contents spilled across the floor of the room...we are enjoying a quiet afternoon with adults only. All afternoon we have enjoyed the simple company of family and adult conversations.

My nephews are running around in snow with cousins.

tonight they will simply sleep.

Introductions

Currently in the beginning stages of introductions; I am trying to carefully and honestly introduce myself to my nephews. 

At dinner I was trying to memorize their movements and the sound of their voices. Watching the nuances of their hands coloring or eyebrows furrowing as they ate.

I am trying to make up for memories I have yet to create

My bags

I am running around the house crazed as I am not sure what to do first.

I will be visiting with family and as wonderful as it is...and infrequent, I am anxious.

Some of our family is not as connected to us than other parts of our family, so when we are together for something more then a meal it gets strange and awkward.

My sister-in-laws get pregnant easily, I sometimes wonder if they simply mention they they want another baby and it is done. When we told this sister-in-law about our efforts not being as easy, she simply cried and said "I feel so sorry for you"

That created a wedge for me, and since then I have been gun-shy to share much else,
heck almost anything else.

When her first son was born and she visited the first time, I was handed my nephew "here take him for awhile" I was terrified, and frankly wanted to put him down and run far far far away. My mother-in-law insisted on constantly handing him off to me; when the second nephew came along, my husband was my barricade, he took the small one and I stood next to him trembling inside and wanting to vaporize.
Fearing that my sister-in-law would need to run errands and disappear for several hours leaving me and my nephews sitting on the floor and crying.

Now we are visiting again, and although they are several years old, I am still afraid.
They don't really know me outside of the knowledge that I send a card for their birthday and Christmas.
I try and ask about them a lot but often get information via my mother in law.

My first interactions with them were when they were little and I was in the most painful process of my infertility. I hope they don't remember that part...I hope they don't remember the Aunt that wanted to hold them and snuggle but was so so raw inside she held back and cried all night long afterwards.

Dinner out

Had dinner out at an old friends home, and actively spent the night trying to not mention children the whole time.

It was much easier then I thought it would be.

Currently enjoying the after effects of fondue and wine and bread

In this months mail...

I was cleaning up around the place and found a pile of letters that I had put aside to shred as junk mail.

On a fluke I opened up a letter from my senator for my district...it was close to election time so I assumed it was a political letter urging me to vote or something.

Turns out it was a personal letter written from the senator,

telling me how he read the article published in my local paper about my show:

 "thank you for sharing your art and your tragic story with the community. Your strength in difficult times serves as an inspiration to us all. My heart goes out to you and your husband for your trials"

I am surprised and a bit floored that he or someone in his office took the time to write me a letter.

as La Belette said today:

#8. I want to be totally okay with what is and surprised by how marvelous the future will be.

Family photos

I was looking thru some pictures from our four day summer vaca this year and started to wonder...who will look at our vacation pictures when we are old?

What is the purpose of putting the images into albums and labeling where we are and what we did?

I know that a lot of it is for myself and hubby to reflect on but what happens after us? Do they simply get thrown into the trash or given to a thrift store?

Does that mean all memory of us disappears too?

Wordless Wednesday

Ripples

Sometimes you are just walking against the flow, wearing the wrong color,

wake up on the wrong side of the bed, eat the wrong things, show up at the wrong time.

Today was that day.

Tomorrow will be better

Mother Nature

I still have my period...

I sometimes watch the color leave my face, or the wonder just how much blood I am really loosing.

Mostly I just float, and wonder

birthday

Today was my nephews 3rd birthday party.

About three years ago I was weeping

today I was laughing.

Although he is not my son, he is my nephew and is bringing me joy. 

Mixed

Although I knew the answer it never sits well.

I was alone when I took the test. It sat quietly within me.

On this same weekend, I am making the birthday cake for my Nephew.

I asked my brother and sister-in-law if I could, I asked if I could make all their cakes.

I need to express myself, my loss; in making something sweet for the little people in my life.

I would never be able to have that experience otherwise, and lucky for me, it was welcomed and appreciated.

My home smells of sugar and I have a mountain of cupcakes waiting to be frosted.

Tomorrow, thru my pain pill (as my period arrived late today) I will watch my nephew, I will see people parenting and hear children laugh and play.

Then crawl home, and tuck myself into bed...trying to make the memory of those sounds my lullaby;

not a haunting symphony of mockery and taunts

Quiet

Hubby just called to say  that he will not be home until late.

He is meeting with friends and relaxing his Friday night away.

In some ways it hurts my feelings...I work all day so that by Friday night we can hang out together

...in other ways I realize it is really important that he has his space and time.

I am home, in the quiet of the house.

My period is late again, and I have a pee stick sitting on the counter waiting for me to address it.

I know I am not pregnant, I just need to see the negative sign so I don't torture myself all weekend waiting for my cycle to kick into gear.

I have eaten too much chocolate today in hopes it would kick my ovary and the cycle will start

....no luck so far.

The road is laid ahead of me and I simply need to take that first step to start the daydream of "what if..."

I choose to stand still and check my compass first.

tired

I have some serious baking to do this coming weekend.

I am gonna work on not pulling it into my heart too deeply.

More to come

Wordless Wednesday



Hindsight

I survived the eye exam today, but left feeling broken and waited to cry until I got back to the car.

I have come to understand that I will not find a doctor, that wants to be a healer.

I went to the EYE doctor for goodness sake and the constant teasing of my poor eyesight, the jokes about how I needed a German Shepard and that I have old eyes were just too much to bear by the end.

I ordered my new prescription and left with eyes the size of saucers.

I am sure that if I haven't had years of doctors telling me all the things that are wrong with my body, it might not have been such a big deal but I think it simply just reconfirms that I do not like doctors anymore.

I simply need to interact with them in order to keep myself healthy, despite them.

Toddle

Toddle: to walk with short toddering steps in the manner of a young child.

I took myself to a party supply store the other day in preparation for decorating my nephews birthday cake.

I asked shortly before his first birthday for the "contract" to make his birthday cake.

It was a massive accomplishment to get to that point, and I wanted to celebrate his first time around the sun.

When he was born we had been trying to get pregnant for a while and I tried to comfort myself with the idea that the little boy I had dreamed of was simply delivered to the family; but a different set of arms and home.
It worked for a little bit....but since has been another silent symbol of what has not come true for us.

Meanwhile, back at this party store......
I was mindlessly wandering thru aisles of colorful decorations, frosting tips and plastic platters. A woman and her two young-ish daugthers came in and asked for the "christening stuff" I heard her and her daughters find the items they were looking for and then start commenting about the baby shower items...all while I was deciding which color yellow was the "yewlow" my nephew wanted for his cake.
I made a mental note to myself to not go down the next aisle as it had the baby stuff on it and it didn't have anything I needed on it.
The lady and her daugthers proceeded to shop and where getting balloons filled when I began to see what other gems this shop had. I was daydreaming about parties and fun gatherings all while looking at these fun light decorations. I got some cellophane bags for the goodies and then I saw the Fiesta stuff...being a big Dia De Los Muertos fan I always take a look at what else is out there what could work on next years altar. Crepe paper flowers, I use to know how to make those as a kid....
turn around to see the other side of the aisle and ....BAM
Smack dab in front of me...cowboy stuff
I was so blown off guard...I was so prepared to not go down the baby shower aisle.
All those stick ponies and chaps and wanted posters...and straw hats and and and
I was totally spun , I felt the tears welling up in my eyes, I started to breathe really hard...I was actually looking for a place to hide!
I somehow, found the strength to turn around and stand in the corner of the store.
I got my head together and went to check out.

I was drunk, I was spun, I was so shaken, I was toddling...

Lily

My heart goes out today...

I read this morning that Lily Allen has had another miscarriage

and is currently in the hospital with a blood-poisoning condition, septicaemia.

I know she is a music personality, and that this is news that is being reported in the tabloids...

but she is still a woman trying to become a mother and facing devastating losses along her trip.

I am saying a little mediation for her and her sweetie.

Loss is loss, no matter who you are.