Come and Gone

photo via: cc-lovesblog.blogspot

 

 

It passed, almost silently.

No fanfare, no candles, no tears.

Yesterday marked the anniversary of the first of our three losses.

 

I felt it, but quieter this year.

Maybe it is the upcoming surgery that has garnered all my energy

I have been meditating, and focusing on talking about it, to dissipate my fears.

But yesterday, while driving home from work and the car was quiet

I turned to The Barren and said " today is our anniversary"

He looked at me and said there are many anniversaries around now.

 

Our cousin has just passed this last weekend, after fighting multiple years

with a rare form of lung cancer.

She never smoked or lived in a house with smokers.

I was 5 years older than me.

 

The Barren didn't have to have a second biopsy for his skin cancer.

Instead they removed another layer of skin and bandaged him up.

Celebration ensued, after we left the office

I kissed him many times over again and again.

We have a 6 month check to monitor its healing.

 

I visited my grandparents.

They are in a cemetery about an hour and a half away.

I don't usually visit the grave, as I really don't think they are there.

or I hope they are not stuck there.

I knocked on the stone that covers them (like knocking on a door, my dad does that)

and then placed a stone on the marker.

I sat down in front of it and settled in and said "hello".

At that, the stone "fell" off and I said, well hello there.

I texted my brother and said:

 if you want to tell gma and gpa anything,

now would be a good time as I think they are here right now.

The visit was quiet and mostly me crying and asking questions to the warm wind.

 

Today is Halloween, the house is not decorated,

 my Dia De Los Muertos altar is not built

 I normally do these things with great joy and lightness.

but I seem to be falling behind, my mind easily distracted.

I am trying to be gentle with myself, let it all happen organically, and naturally.

but, I feel sad that I am not together, on top of it or motivated.

Time passes too quickly

I hope to work on the altar tonight



Pounding Heart



image via Vintage Printable

The weekend was filled with panic attacks and believe it or not a pregnancy test as AF was super late, from all the stress it turns out.

 

So The Barren and I went to see Special Lady Doctor yesterday.

I took my LONG list of questions and my 2 inch thick binder of years of results and scans.
 I thought I was having a heart attack at least three times on the drive there.

We got to the appointment a half hour early and waited in silence...The Barren held my hand and commented how he could feel my heart beat in it. I thought it was visible to all at this point.

The half hour wait helped settle it a bit, while I watched HGTV on the lobby TV.
The couple that was having their house redone was an infertile couple that had stopped the renovations when they realized their family was not going to grow as they had thought.
The Barren looked at me and we just said "seriously, this is what we were in time for?!"
 

They called my name and we walked into the exam room...my heart exploding again.
Thank goodness they didn't take my pulse, as they probably would have called the crash cart out!
We waited in the room for another 20 minutes.
In that time The Barren looked at the stirrups and questioned if they were comfortable. I told him that it was nice that they had covers on them, so they were not cold.
I assured him that I was not going to have an exam.
He was sitting in a tiny recess in the room that served as an in-room changing area.
They had stocked it with cloth gowns, padded hangers and basket full of pads and tampons.
I watched his eyes go back to the basket over and over...I asked him what he was most fascinated by, he said the names of the products seemed strange and spelt weird.
It made me chuckle and recall how these companies tend to find the most obnoxious colors for their packaging. How as a younger version of myself was always mortified to stand in a line with a bright pink package or a bright blue box, or in the really early days a pack of maxi pads that would now double for a bag of diapers!

He then picked up a magazine and happened on an article about Naomi Wolf and her Vaginia book 

it mentions vaginal massage and yoni tapping and he looked at me and said in my next life I want to be a master vaginal massage therapist.
 At this we both laughed and I was left feeling intense and serene love for this man.
 

The doctor came in and I asked her to go over the results again as the phone call was a hard way to process it all. She saw my list of questions and was happy that I had written them all down. She spent a good chunk of time answering all my questions, telling me what her concerns were and why and laying out a plan. The Barren asked all his questions and addressed his concerns and we in the end decided that it was best to have this surgery.

 

The lowdown:

I have a mildly elevated CA125, it is 29 (nothing going on is 3, full blown cancer is 100) with this number and a history of endo, she is concerned. She explained how she will try to save my ovary but must also assess the risks of it and she understands my desire to keep as much of me as possible. She also will be removing as much endo as she sees, explaining that it too can become additional endometriomas and we want to avoid that from happening. I will be back on the BCP post surgery.

She told me that my barnacle is the size of a lime, it has grown since it was measured last.

 

November 16th is the day

the day after tomorrow my beloved is having his second biopsy for his skin cancer...and all my energy is focusing on him and his health.
I love him so deeply.

On the drive home The Barren mentioned that he felt defensive at the end of the appointment as the doctor mentioned all the options while under:
she could put a camera in my uterus and see what is happening in there
She could tie my tubes
She could also remove my septum, which would probably
 "fix my infertility and my history of miscarriages"
it was this comment that made him sad, as it reminded him of how long this journey has been and how we chose not to have surgery to get pregnant. He said it felt like a slap after the fact.
I understand what he is saying...we might never feel comfortable with our choices.
I had a teacher in high school who wasn't able to have kids because of the RH factor, by the time they had it all figured out it was too late for them to have kids.
Although the situation is different, I feel similarly.
We are 9 years older, tackling the personal and emotional challenges of a life without children.
When a simple sentence like "this could fix all your problems" is said the whole house of carefully laid cards falls and we have to slowly start building it again.
My heart is pounding, my heart is aching

The Barreness is laughing

Wednesday

I needed a laugh and this did the trick:

 

Doing things different...

 

I am having a REALLY hard time focusing on much of anything right now.

I tried to work in the studio all weekend, but ended up looking like a crazy lady starting something here and walking away to stare at the sky and then come back and focus for another ten minutes and then decide to do laundry or wash dishes.

I know my brain is overwhelmed.

 

BUT

 I know that all those years of therapy have done something, as I realized that the first time I fucked stuff up and that it is not how I want to do it things time.

 

I am doing things different then when we got our Infertility diagnosis.

Then we told no one for a long time. We suffered together and pushed many friends away not knowing how to ask for help or support.

 

This new struggle we are facing things differently.

The Barren and I seem to be tag teaming out emotional breaks, so that we can be there for the other. He has shared his recent news with friends and parents.

I have shared my news with just a couple close friends, but I am so glad that I have

...I am too unprepared to share it yet with my parents.

and scared

 

It feels different to have told these selected few, better I guess.

I know that I can text a grumpy face to a friend and they will totally get it.

 

I am still having panic attacks, mostly at night when things are quiet and

I am alone with my thoughts.

The Barren and I are a good team, we have walked through hell before,

and still have legs.

I know we can walk through hell again and still have each others hand to hold.

 

It doesn't feel good to have this sitting over our heads

I don't have to like any of this or be OK with it

I am afraid for my love

I am afraid for myself

I am still very afraid.

The last 24hours

Warning: I bitch a lot in this post

 

 

 

I would like to warn you all, the shit is hitting the fan! Duck when you can, hold on tight if you must...but be warned this world of ours has shifted in a mean and wicked way.

 

My beloved Barren received a call from his dermatologist yesterday telling him that the two moles he had taken from his face last week were indeed skin cancer and that he needs to come back in to have more, as the Barren calls it : "drilled out". One spot was on his cheek and the other his eyebrow. He is holding it together for the most part but I am fighting my desire to suction cup myself to his side forever now. And I am getting a 100+ sunscreen for him.

The silver lining, is that it is still non invasive, so although it is still scary,

 it is not as scary as it can be.

 

My doctors office called again yesterday to ask me to book an appointment to speak with the specialist...just as I was meditating on focusing on the rest of my life for a little bit. It drove me over the edge and I finally called my oldest friend to tell her how terrified I was and that I still have over a week before I can see the doctor. She helped me come back from the edge of setting my hair on fire.

 

We got our property tax in the mail. I am not sure how I feel about it, our bill is less then years past, but our property is also worth half of what we got it at.  Need I say more.

 

Well there is one more thing, I was contacted by my city telling me I needed a business licence. News to me, as I was only doing small sales off etsy and that just required a resellers permit. I checked the city site multiple times and there is no classification for artist, and I don't rent a commercial space so I figured I didn't need a licence. Well the city decided I needed a licence. So after months of back and forth and asking for clarifications and whys and hows. I got the bill in the mail. Not only did the city charge me for the past four years I have had a sellers permit (I was expecting this) they flipping penalized me for not paying it for the the last four years too! my expected bill is DOUBLE.

 

I am exhausted and pissed and angry and scared and overwhelmed.

The glass of wine last night was wonderful but FUCK, enough already!

What the...

cookies crumble

I am a tough a cookie, but this might break me.

I got a call from the doctor specialist yesterday, which was surprising.
Then the sentence "Is this a good time to talk?"
Ohhhh fuck....

So she wants to do surgery.
I told her that was my VERY VERY last option.
I told her that I weigh my comfort and quality of life based on my days pain-free and most of the month is that. I have maybe three days a month where I am uncomfortable but that is it.

She mentioned my back pain and my Barnacle. That damn thing has camped out and slightly grown since my last measurement. Then she said something that freaked me out and pretty much after that, I heard only parts of what she said:

Malignant transformation
apparently she said that if left for long times, endometriomas can get nasty and become malignant.
With your slightly elevated CA125 results* and how long it has been there....

She mentioned that I have a 50% chance of loosing my ovary to it.
She would remove any and all other adhesions that she could see.
She also offered to place an IUD while "I am out" to start the follow-up hormone suppression of additional growths. As I would really be only guaranteed three pain free months post surgery.
Or I start the pill afterwards.

* I had gotten a call last week telling me that my results were within normal levels

I am freaking out, I am mad and I am concerned.
I am lost

I know surgeons want to fix things, I am sceptical that she is trying to fix it, more then prevent catastrophe. I am leery...slow to believe that I have a second edition to this horrible novel.

What I wonder is a million things; but did I do this to myself by staying off the pill too long?
I thought I was being responsible by monitoring the "cyst" but apparently not.

I am swirling and terrified.
I have already made the choice to not had an IUD, aside from being afraid of them, I have a septum in my uterus and I really don't want any complications from the placement.
I also know that I am terrified of loosing my ovary and then my sex drive.

The Barren and I meet with her in a week and a half.
I am composing a list of questions and alternatives.
until then I am trying to not throw-up or think of something deadly incubating in me.

It is not what you think....

"You didn't drink enough water...your bladder is not totally full"

(pointing to dark circle on screen)

"I drank two 16oz glasses and a mug of tea...."

"it is OK, this will be fine."

 

*****

 

The Barreness: " if I bring a DVD can you make a movie of this like you do for the others?"

Frank the dildo cam man:" well we normally only do it for pregnancies"

The Barreness: "Well, this is all I have"

Frank the dildo cam man: Silence, then ..." I don't see why not, sure bring one next time. Would you like a photo from today?"

The Barreness: " Yes please that would be wonderful, thank you"

 

You can clearly see the barnacle on my left ovary
that is needing all my attention

I am going to bring a DVD to my next appointment in 6weeks. He went thru the process like an automated man, it was clear that he has been an ultrasound tech for 30 years. He works in a fertility clinic, where he does a myrid of jobs with his ultrasound equiment and

 little ol' me was the hiccup in his day.

 

 I made sure not to drop it or scratch the surface while I visited the bathroom again before leaving for my drive to work. Although it appeared that I didn't have a full bladder at the beginning of the exam, I had to stop three times along my 40mile trip to work. I looked at the precious image every time I got into the car and each time I had a little vision of what it must be like to see a baby on that paper instead of my I-need-to-be-a-little-bitch-to-you ovaries. I sent the image to The Barren and although we both agreed it was super cool to have the image, it was also kind of sad.

 

I knew that in the long run I would regret not getting the image.

In the meantime I can forget it in a book or just kind of misplace it for a while...maybe.

At the present, I seem to be totally transfixed on the side by side images, wondering how something so small can rule so much of me. He wasn't able to get a good pic of the big girl (uterus) as she has a split personality and it harder to get to smile for the camera.

 

Tuesday~and I'm still alive

OK so it only took two text messages and a call to The Barren to get me out of the car,

that I had parked up the street from the home I had arrived a half an hour early at.

 

I am not gonna lie, I was scared...of what I am still not sure still but

 it was like taking that unsure step knowing you would really have to make more of a little jump, but you wouldn't scrape your knee in the act.

Or

I was just scared of making a total fool of myself.

It was one of those.

 

I had stopped at a market and brought a little plant for the hostess, and when I started seeing other women arriving I grabbed the plant, put another layer of deodorant on (I brought it with my change of clothes) and my sweater and took a deep breathe and remembered The Barrens mantra.

He said it worked for him when he had similar situations, just pretend you are the confident person you aspire to be...I had worked it out a little different in my head,

I was a secret super hero, my powers were hidden but I was able to bring them up in a flash and my cape was invisible. (I had to have some sort of flourish)

 

I walked into the open front door, I said a timid "hello", there was no response...but there was a bathroom right there in the entry...and my over anxious bladder had her own plans...so I jumped into the bathroom, checked my teeth and washed my hands...and when I opened the door, a group of women was there signing in...so I smiled said hello and entered the party...it was simple.

 

When I looked up after signing in the group had vanished so I of course went the wrong way and had a nice chat with the caterer, and the friend of the hostess who made great efforts that I was comfortable and had a drink in hand in no time.

I found my way out back and it was like when Dorthy opens the door in the Wizard of Oz and her world goes from black and white to color.

 

the magical back yard

 

The house was AMAZING, and the backyard where the event was to take place was mind blowing...there were three detached studios in the terraced backyard the largest (two level loft) belonged to the hostess, the others were used by artists who rent them out for their own work.

 

entrance to the studio of the hostess
Her paintings are similar to Rousseau or Kahlo

 

I strolled the grounds (it was really a perfectly laid out terraced big backyard) and I could see the talent in the plant selection and placement...I could imagine it all growing into a mature landscape and how beautiful it was yet to become.

 

little sculptures were dotted all through the garden

 

Women started filing into the yard and I started with chatting to a person I know,

 then a new person joined us and I was off and running!

It was like remembering to ride a bike...

ohhh yeah I remember how this can be fun not all bad after all.

I fell into an easy uneasiness in no time and the uncomfortable faded quickly into a

 " wow this is pretty cool"

 

I did not have a single "do you have kids" question, NONE not even a passing reference!

 

It was divine! Mature conversation about my art, their art, inspirations, methods and theories.

I got to exchange cards and tonight I will be writing my "it was so nice to meet you emails"

I was sort of high from all the good feelings, even after my car ride home.

When I woke up this morning, all I had left of the anxiety from last night was a massively circled reminder in my weekly calender.

 

Look the sun rose again!
I am still alive and it does feel better the next morning

 

It is kind of refreshing to reuse that emotion that unlocks good surprises.

I can say that I enjoyed myself, I really can, I am looking at the week after next and realizing all

the potential conversations and learning ahead of me...but not in a " oh gosh that is gonna suck" way...but a WOW I can't wait to talk to this person.

 

Monday

 

 

I am reminded at the start of each work week that things start anew

...over and over again.

 

sunrise view from my office
 

 

I am continuing to make big efforts to meet with friends; for my mental health and theirs.

I have been working hard at creating new friendships, and so far it has been rewarding. 

During a recent chat, one of these friends mentioned that things were tense, she was freaking out and anxious about money and her relationship and how life is shifting quickly.

We talked out a good brainstorm and made a list of sorts about how she would find things less crazy, and what she needed to do to feel more in control.

In the end, she sighed and said:
"I know it will be so much better when I wake up tomorrow, it always is"

I admired that, the unshakable knowledge that things will be brighter the next day...in some way.

Maybe it is just a little distance, or a little extra breathing space...but the ability to just see things that much more clearly and calmly.

 

I can honestly say that infertility has made me less social, hence the strides to "break out of my shell"

In some ways I have lost major pieces of my social skills,
or I seem to want to make less effort at them.

What is out of practice is now needing to be relearned.

Sometimes this is like dragging a wet blanket behind me,
other times it is like finding a lovely scent and following it.
It is always something isn't it.

 

Well, my newest homework is going to come into play tonight.

I am a new member of an academic woman's group. One that plays a role for my art,

 as well as, just a good group of new people to become friendly with. 

 

Tonight's goal:

Walk up to a new person, learn about them and then REMEMBER their name.

I have been given tips on how to do this from the chattiest person I know.

As she was explaining the nuances, I felt like an alien being introduced to a culture, and a child.

My dignity and ego has taken a back seat for sure.

 When I was thinking about this evenings goal on the way to work today, I was sweating, anxious and then I remembered two things:
This evening will not kill me, I might be uncomfortable, but I will not die from it
and
it will be better when I wake up tomorrow morning.

 

Deeply Felt

When I saw this photo in the news this morning, my heart sank.

 

 

"Zoo officials said in a press release that the cub was found dead Sunday morning after panda keepers heard sounds of distress from its mother, Mei Xiang."
*Mei Xiang, the cub's mother, appears to still have a maternal instinct. "Sadly, we have witnessed her cradling an object for most of the night," Zoo Director Dennis Kelly said. "

 

I felt it so deeply, this loss for me is universally felt.

I don't see a defining line between animal and people, we are all sensitive beings.

My thoughts and prayers go out to this grieving mother.

Did I say too much

I wondered if I said too much with the last post, pissed you all off...

It came from my heart...pure concern and fear.

I hope that you know that.

 

When The Barren and I  were in our darkest hours, I saw many many doctors, like many of you have, and what I heard from them were things that would make it easier for them to treat me.

Fixes that would reduce my questions and discomfort. Easy outs.

*

My gyno told me over a phonecall, when I was asking for a renewal on my pain meds: 

" maybe you should just have a hysterectomy, sweetie, it will make it so much easier for you"

*

I was told by a doctor in the ER after being admitted for a 8cm corpus luteum, that I should really consider having my ovaries removed because it would avoid problems like this.

*

I was told by an oncological gynecologist that I should consider having my cysts and fibroids removed, but it would most likely plummet my chances of conceiving, so get a good doctor to preform the surgery to hedge my bets.

*

I was told by a gyno that my pain was just me being extra sensitive to what a real period was like after being on the pill for so many years. 

*

I was told by an ultrasound tech that I didn't drink enough water and that I made her job very difficult, then she proceeded to berate me through the exam

*

After all of this, I went into my primary doctor because I had been exposed to strep through a friend that was a teacher, she looked at my chart and looked at me and said:

" I am surprised you even came into the office, this is not a pretty path, I am surprised you do not hate doctors by now"

 

I don't, I just don't like it when they give up on me

 

What I took away from many years of therapy is that:

 it was not MY FAULT that I wasn't able to have a baby.

It was alright that I chose to not walk the assumed path.

It was OK that I wanted to fight to keep my reproductive system.

I had a set of beliefs that made me feel like a person

and removing any of those would remove my belief in self worth.

 

Trying to get pregnant is hard for many of us, staying pregnant is hard for many of us and hearing that we are not pregnant over and over again is hard for many of us.

 

What I didn't like and what I see happening to others is that being turned around and women being left as a shell of themselves with the same results going in.

That scares me, I simply want to remind you that you are

whole, you are lovely and smart.

Today in the news....

* another soapboxy sort of post*

 

 

ok so all sorts of crazy stuff swirls around us daily and personally I try to navigate around the fake news stuff....like movie star dinners out, sports team negotiations, and telephone releases (sorry) ...but I do follow medical news as I am really bad at taking vitamins and I am always curious about how to make up for being a dork about simple things.

 

Anyhoo, I saw this today:

 

Mother-to-daughter womb transplant

'success' in Sweden

Doctors say the operations will only be considered a complete success if they result in children

Here is the whole article for those who want to read more

 

um, no pressure or anything...and WOW

this is clearly highlighting the lengths and heights women will go to in an effort to get pregnant.

I admire the trial, but I am also heartbroken by it.

When will it be enough? How will you ever know when you have "tried everything",

or crossed off everything on your list ? Is it when you are left as a mere shadow of yourself

feeling totally defeated?

I am often thankful that The Barren and myself made these clear defining lines before trying to become parents...so when the emotions were so thick, and the sadness was so dark we were able to make choices.

I admire women, I care about women and I am often concerned about women who fall down the rabbit hole, and get lost and overtaken on the path.

Directed by empty promises

.

I know many of these women get pregnant, and many have chosen to take these paths.

It was not a path we chose, but I am not your enemy, nor am I judging you.

 

I am just concerned about how doctors seem to take advantage of couples.

It is those that I am referring to...I am most concerned about. 

 the all cards on the table, all the chickens

The all to familiar story of: 

"Well first you have to try these four things that will most likely not result in a pregnancy first, break your heart into a million pieces, finance yourself into a hole and then dangle a carrot just out of reach so that you are always feeling like you have never done enough"

I can only image what these women are about to go through next, their mothers gave them their uterus and now the doctors are pacing to see if they can get pregnant.

One has already had her path face cancer, another wasn't even born with a uterus...the emotional expenses so far are huge!

I am sending out love and strength to these ladies, I am sure your road was not easy up to now, and I fear it will continue to be a bumpy ride.

 

BIG love your way

 

Information Gathering

Today I went to an appointment that I have been working on not thinking about for weeks.

I did pretty well until Friday when the paperwork arrived in the mail.

 

I had a consult with a specialist about my cyst (Quasimodo) the one that has been camped out for years and refuses to change or go away. My doc, as a precautionary measure wanted me to get a second opinion that my " hell no you can not go for a scenic drive around my pelvis and pluck whatever you damn well please" watch and wait method was still safe. I understood and quite frankly with all the health issues with family and friends as of late, I needed to step up to the plate.

It was a 6 week wait to see this doctor, and after my visit I see why.

 

I awoke early and as I sat in bed trying to figure out what time it was The Barren said so what are you going to say? I said I was going to ask if I was in mortal danger with my current modus operandi. He said " she is going to tell you, you need surgery...what will you say then? " Sweet man, playing devils advocate so I could prepare my speech. I told him that I would say " that is not an option for me, what is plan B, C,D, E or F?" He kissed me and said " good luck"

 

I arrived with my folder of past test results from 2004 to current and sat and waited. The office filled with mid-pregnant women and the door between the reception desk and back exam rooms was constantly swinging open as that same group of women were in a parade circle to the bathroom.

 

Free samples for the pregnant gals, sadly no drinks were offered to the rest of us.
Is there a suggestion card around....

 

I was called in and I could feel my heart beating so fast, and hard, I was terrified that I would not have the conviction in my voice to speak up in the face of this newest doctor. I was told on the phone that it didn't matter where I was in cycle that as it was only a consult, I was not going to be examined. Well she was wrong, large paper napkin in place, I did the modesty wiggle to unfold that paper as far as possible and then wrap the ends around my hips so my arse was not blowing in the wind...cross my legs up under me and resume some sense of dignity while I sat and waited some more.

 

I heard my chart removed from the outside of the door and she sat with it for a fair bit of time, in fact I was taken aback how long she read it....then she entered the room.

We said hellos and then I told her why I was there...careful around the word " get another set of eyes on it" as I was not opening the sightseeing tour just yet. She asked how my quality of life was, daily. Asked what my periods were like, then she asked another question:

 

Doctor Lady: " so you have stopped trying"

 

I sat there thinking about Nicole's post, feeling like my heart suddenly got a lot heavier

and in my next breath I said:

 

The Barreness: " it just didn't happen for us the way we wanted." 

 

Doctor Lady: " so you have come to terms with that "

 

I took a deep breath, and said

 

" as much as I can, it is something I work with everyday"

 

Doctor Lady: " What I mean is, you are not here to ask me to help you try and get pregnant"

 

The Barreness: " No, it can not happen the way we had hoped. I am here to make sure that my quality of life is maintained and that I am not putting myself at jeopardy"

 

Doctor Lady: "That is very brave of you, that is something very hard....do you have someone to talk with about it?  like a therapist or friends...you should not try to handle it alone"

 

The Barreness: " that is the most compassionate thing any doctor has said to me about my infertility, thank you. That was very kind of you"

 

Lady Doctor: " I am really sorry to hear that, really, that is sad"

 

She mentioned what she thinks I have is an Endometrioma and that it can be removed, if I ever want it to be...but if I am comfortable and only in hell a few days a month, and I am OK with that we can forget it. She then mentioned my lovely heart shaped uterus and mentioned that that is the most likely culprit for my losses. She mentioned that that could be removed too.
I told her I understood but now that I am over 40, I have changed paths...realizing that those were options (that were never mentioned to me by the way) for me at 34 when I started trying to stay pregnant. Reality is my eggs are older, and most likely pissed off at me and so I didn't need to invite Pandora into my life. I have had enough heartbreak and pain and loss.

She said she understood.

Scary shit you can be tested for...

 

In an effort to remove yet another scary option off my checklist, I gave a vial of blood for CA125,

she said that endometriosis can show it as an elevated number but she felt confident that she could tell the difference between endo and a cancer. So I did that too...not thinking about that either.

 

She gave me a feel, furrowed her brow while I tried to relax and told her I would add her to my list of people who have felt my uterus.

She ordered I get new ultrasounds, one as soon as my next period is over and then a followup 6 weeks later. it was important to start the plotting of the cyst and make sure it was not changing at all. My every four months was not close enough together...ugh

So I have those transvag days to look forward too into the holiday season....HOHOHO

 

Today is also the anniversary of my Nana's death. She left 6 years ago.

I mention this because what I did next is directly related.

When I was in the middle of finding all this sadness out, and being a medical guinea pig

I had to tell my Nana that I could not have kids.

She was not an emotional woman, in the sense that she didn't cry or hug.

Not a babushka kinda grandmother.

My Nana, liked men, drinks and sex.

But...

When I told her, she looked heartbroken and so concerned...

it made it almost unbearable.

She reached out and simply hugged me.

It was the best gift from her, knowing she loved me so completely.

About a week later, she sent me a card, in it was some cash.

The card said:

" Go get yourself something pretty, it will help you"

Classic 50's gal, pretty yourself up on the outside and it will start helping the inside

So today, after the appointment, I bought myself a couple new blouses.

I even got one for a friend that I know needs a little pick me up too.

thanks Nana

Lovely Blog Award

Several months ago I was doing some catch up reading of LaLa's blog and saw that she had so kindly  awarded my little bitch and moan blog this honor.

I have been blogging for so many years with no one ever seeing me that this recent shift of having followers and now an award was A LOT to process.

So LaLa I am sorry for the delay in responding but here is my long awaited response.

*****

 Fistly,

I feel SUPER DUPER honored that I have received this Lovely Blog Award from LaLa

at http://lockedwombmystery.blogspot.com/

Per the honors here are 7 random facts about me:

1. I am incredibly superstitious. So much so that sometimes I will not let you say certain things at certain times. See I can not even tell you what that is and why! I have incorporated this so well into my life that I barely know that I am doing it anymore!

2. I often have the desire to honk at random people for random reasons. I drive a lot and often times when I pass a car that has someone picking their nose, or talking on the phone or if someone is just walking down the street I want to honk my car horn at them. It is like the least used thing in my car... I barely use my horn. I wonder if anyone has ever had to replace their horn from overuse?!humm

3. I LOVE the smell of wet earth, maybe it is from all my gardening, or that it evokes childhood memories, but I find it so very comforting. If they made a spray of that smell I would spray it on my pillow so I could smell it as I drifted off to sleep.

4. I often think there are ghosts in my house. I wake up almost every night thinking that someone is in my bedroom watching me sleep.

5. When I get dressed up, I spend a good bit of time putting on make-up (this might be because I really don't know how to do it so I am teaching myself at the same time) and then after looking at myself, wipe it off with my hands leaving my face in a state of half made up/ half back at square one.

6. I watch home shopping channels to see how people talk for so long about light bulbs or other things like that. I am training myself to be able to talk to anyone about anything!

 

7. I sometimes can not see the defining line between people and animals and so when I look at animals, like baboons, I only see a being, no different than you or me.

 

 

I have had to adjust the conditions a little to maintain anonymity and to account for the fact that I don't read a lot of blogs...I window shop on ETSY and art supply stores a lot.

Here are the blogs I read the most/ favorite blogs:

Clearly there is LaLa's blog, I love her candid nature and real ideas:

Locked Womb Mystery

 

The first blog I started to read when I was looking for infertility blogs was Lisa's:

Life Without Baby

 

I ADORE Nicole's Blog, and she writes so wonderfully:

Real Life and Thereafter

 

From a friend on the other side of the world, Mali always has such wonderful insight:

No Kidding in NZ

 

There are a couple blogs that I "drop-in on" that are currently discussing children or are actively/passively trying to have children or have them:

 

KitVonD is a woman show has been riding a roller coaster of emotions in this last year, she is also in the middle of making her life the one she wants, we can all applaud that!

The Life and Times of KitVonD

 

and I always love to simply read this blog, I have for years and years,

Eden is funny, clever, honest and quirky...

warning she is a mom, and does talk about and show her kid...but also her bulldog, clothing choices and lunch

FUSSY

 

 

Thank you again LaLa

you made me feel so special

 

 

Pop goes the weasel

image via superstock

OMG

 it happened, the building pressure could not be contained any longer...

the pain and hurt,

the miscommunication and anger was all too much.

 

My friend, the one I mentioned here, was outside when The Barren and I passed to say good morning and she let loose again. She just kept telling me how upset she was, how she has stopped calling or asking me to do things...I heard most of what she said, but in all honesty, I also shut totally down.
 I heard myself say things like, I hear you, I understand you.
Then when it was all over, I ran into the house and closed myself into a bathroom and cried.
That night we went to dinner with her and her family.
As we drove to meet them I turned to The Barren and said
"I feel like you are driving me to an execution".
At dinner, I said barely anything, I was so nauseous and scared. We parted and on the way home I decided I wanted to hole up some more...lick wounds so to speak.
 

The next day I wasn't able to do anything but think of the recent encounter...so I wrote down how I was feeling. I used words like bullied, mean, fear and emotionally exhausted.

It took three times of trying to meet with her, but that day we met face to face,
I figured if I was going to puke she should see that too.
 

We sat outside my front door, and I read what I wrote, she listened and then countered...
she used words like hurt and angry and mean and done.

She started to yell, then I started to yell and then...while she was telling me how she was feeling,
I said : " I am glad we are doing this, as horrible as it is long overdue"

We could have been panting by the time were were done,
but it came to that moment when we said so what do we do now?
Was this worth trying to save, did we still want to be friends or try to be...
 

My suggestion was to start from square one, let go of all the things we had done to hurt and disappoint one another in the past as that can not be changed and
move forward anew for this moment.

She agreed.

 

How painful it was to see myself in this other persons eyes, thinking all this time I was doing no harm; avoiding conflict, but instead hurting this person. It was horrible, and to be pushed so far that I spoke the hidden words I was feeling for her all this time. It was a lot to process at that moment.

 

I introduced myself, we ended up talking another half hour and by the end we were laughing and relaxed again.

We have plans to have coffee on Saturday.

 

The adrenaline that had built up over this is finally leaving my body
and I burned the paper I had written to her.

Soapboxxing

No wordless Wednesday here:

I'm feeling stepped on...so out comes my soapbox

 

I went to get a salad for lunch and in the15 minutes it took in my car I heard enough discussion on the current debate of women's health issues that I stormed into my work with lunch in hand and declared:

 

"I am really concerned about the quality of life women will be facing"

 

I work with ALL MEN and the first thing that was said in response to me stepping onto my soap box was " I don't understand why these politicians are even involved in women's health issues"

ahh I am glad I work with some progressive men

 

OK so I am starting to get concerned...more then normal, maybe I am feeding into the chaos...but from what I am hearing and witnessing...things are going apeshit crazy!

This is the spark that has started my fire and desire to speak up:

 

The recent comments from Todd Akin, and the AMAZING open letter from the multifaceted and talented Eve Ensler (Vagina Monologues creator)

 

 

I spent over an hour listening to the RNC last night via NPR news.

I was driving home and it was quiet and I had undistracted time and although the evening events lasted longer then an hour...that is what I had.

NPR had no commentary, just the ability to listen, and I wanted to hear what was being said.

I try and be as educated as possible when I go to vote, I have only missed voting once since registering and that was 20 years ago.

I want to hear both sides, and understand the points of views...

Not a lot of specifics were talked about last night in the hour I listened

...but what was said left me unsettled and scared.

I will continue to listen and watch, but I can say so far, no good.

 

I am a BARREN WOMAN and I feel like my vagina and uterus is up for discussion, casual conversation and that options about how I choose to live with it are not secure.

 

I came home to see this wonderful post by Pamela, and felt the same way, I am not being addressed.

 

When I spoke with The Barren last night when, I said to him, I am feeling like I am on shaky ground.

"I am warning you now; I might start hauling around a bullhorn and soapbox to declare how I am not happy. I am not going to tell others what to do, but I am going to tell political persons what they are doing to me is not OK".

 

He said: " good deal" and smiled

 

 

Uterine power activate, form of strong and vocal woman

 

Upended

I am going to bitch today...if you have no desire to read me bitching about The Barreness and her wicked mean ways...check back later this week. xo

******************************************************************************

I have completely torn apart my studio space....

I mean I have every inch of floorspace covered right now...

like a visual temper tantrum.

I have barely hatched out a space for me to sit and type this...but I have. I really wanted to make a better space to work in, weed out things and supplies I was not using to free up space for ones I am using or wanting easier access to tools.

All I have now is a HUGE mess and all week I just keep closing the door and ignoring the door, while deadline are ticking and coming around the corner.

UGH so I am in here now sorting and shifting.

I really am prepared to create anything at anytime...I am a well stocked closet, but it has also shed light on an addiction.

I have an addiction to art supplies. I have a bad one....

 

image via pinterest

 

The Barreness has reared her head, she was laying in wait for a while, so I really shouldn't be surprised.

She shot me in the gut Friday...and left me blinded with pain and curled around a heating pad like some crazy 1970's filmstrip movie of how to relieve menstrual pains.

I got panicked again, the pain that I use to experience returned...the constant wave after wave of ever increasing pain in the face of a pain pill scared me...I fear returning to the ER, in fact I will do anything ANYTHING else to avoid that trip and terror.

Friday night was date night, we had gone out and half way to the restaurant I had The Barren return home so I could take my pain pill in time and not over shoot the timing and have a break in the dosing.

We sat at dinner, me blinded and mentally ticking away the minutes till I could hear what he was saying as the pain subsided...smiling grimacing through the pain and discomfort...waiting for the distraction to help sail me past the cramping and pinching and pulling.

Waiting for the food, that took FOREVER to arrive (really it was over an hour) and then pretending that the pain lifted so The Barren could relax a little. As we drove home, I was getting concerned as the pain was still building...The Barren asked ever so softly..." is there something I can do? When do I need to be really concerned? Would you like a bath or should we go somewhere else..." We returned home, me chanting the mantra  "I can take this other pain pill if I need it, we still have options"...then I remembered that horrible filmstrip from 5th grade about heat...and seeing as I could not even keep my eyes open any longer, I opted to have the heating pad..it took a little for the Barren to find an extension cord so it would reach me curled into a ball on the couch. I am not sure when it happened but the combination of the heat and pain... but I passed out...I awoke three hours later to The Barren asking how I was...I stumbled into the bedroom and caught sight of myself...I was dead pale...I mean PALE...I fell into bed and The Barren brought the heat pad to me and I curled myself around it and fell into a sleep filled with terror and fears.

The Barreness laughed at me all day yesterday...pushing me down, and hobbling me with constant trips to the bathroom, making sure I bled through at least two pair of pants...she kept me home all day and when night came, only allowed me an hour and a half before opening the faucet for more runs to the toilet. I felt belittled and silly...I am a woman for gods sake, you'd think I'd have this whole -don't bleed on your clothes -thing figured out my now...but it always seems to strike me by surprise.

Stupid! Stupid Stupid....

 

Today I am facing the studio, well trying to...at least get a good portion of it workable again...less chaos of paper and untwisted...removing things.

I got orders for items from a children's line I use to make, I spent time remembering why I am not making more for that endeavor and then I got an email from a new artist friend telling me she is pregnant and wants to see what items are still available....

the whole world feels upended this weekend...I am aiming for some firmly planted footing this coming week. After all I need to revisit the children items again...just as I was packing them up and moving them out of the studio.

People keep having babies....everyone keeps having babies.

Yes...yes I did

Every once in a while I get curious what it is like to be a girlie girl.

So this year it has manifested as a $14 salad (still trying to calculate those costs)

 and the September issue of VOGUE

Yes I bought the magazine, as well as a handful of new make-up and have sat down for a good put your feet up and enjoy fantasy read.

all the fancy stuff in this salad fell to the bottom of the container

When my 10 year old goddaughter saw the copy of the magazine on the  coffee table, I looked at her and said, "The pictures are all fun to look at but nothing in this magazine is real; none of the women have pores...if you don't have pores you can't be real"

Hopefully, when she is ready to crack open her first "fashion" magazine she remembers that.

The Kindergartener

I think they are holding their heads like this to balance the hairstyle

I had tea with another creative, someone I adore and have made friends with recently...we were friendly before but something shifted about a two or so years ago and we just started hanging out more...it was natural and easy and we are both kind of dorky and geeky and giggly. We both have suffered from depression and have come out on the brighter side and can tell when the other is skirting the edge. It is quite refreshing.

So we were having tea on Thursday and talking shop, she is a graphic designer and painter and we talk out creative roadblocks in an effort to figure out how to keep moving. She went first and we talked about her creative and personal road blocks and sipped tea and ate macaroons and figured some shit out...then she looked and me and said "your turn".

I was feeling sort of blue, since my piece didn't sell at the event.

BACKTRACK....

I called the gallery on Tuesday, the event decided to host a "Morning after exhibit" in order to give people an extra chance to purchase art that hadn't sold at the big hootenanny and didn't want to buy entry tickets on top of the art purchase price...I called it the "sloppy seconds" gallery.  So I called there on Tuesday to find out (incognito) if my piece had sold. I did this at work (my other job, I work in an industrial business that my brother owns) and while my mother was visiting me there. So I called and said " Hello I was calling to see if number 55 was still available for sale?" trying to be all sly and disguise-y "Oh, Hi we didn't keep the numbers on the work, can you describe it to me?"  SHIT..."Um...yeah, it was a print, of two women with trophies..." I was kind of freaking out..."OH that one I LOVE that piece, yep it is here." ..gulp" uh, thank you I will tell the person that is interesting in it" "OK, bye..."

My brother, hearing this conversation, started to laugh..." you are going to tell yourself" I hung up the phone and said out loud " Barreness, your work is in the sloppy second gallery, you have shamed your family name" My mother, kind of didn't get this and said, well, your father and I  are going to see it tomorrow...I am glad it is still there. My brother, at my comment realized I was upset.

I took a little walk and came back to finish my work.

Back to Thursday:

I had woken up that morning, dragging, looking forward to meeting my friend and talk about something other then the pity party I had been throwing myself for the last couple days. When she said my turn...I just sighed..she said "unload"...I told her that I was disappointed that my work hadn't sold and that I had really gone out on a limb with new techniques and processes and I had blown all my whistles and rung all my bells. It was silly to be upset about it, as I know how subjective art is and that I am trying to get into a new community of artists and that it is super clique-y and that art is all about who you know and as an art buyer you have to be following artists in order to really gauge what they are making and how they are growing artistically and it SUPER SUCKED that my work was in the sloppy seconds gallery.

She looked at me and said "of course it hurts, the kindergartner in you worked really really hard on that piece and was really proud of it and no one told her they liked it"

I started crying....it was validating.

 I kept thinking how I was ushered in, in the 23rd hour to be part of this exhibit, and two people put their names on the line for me and my participation. I didn't want to let them down. I didn't want to make a fool of myself. Like finally being invited to a party and then bringing  food that makes everyone sick. Remembered for all the wrong reasons.

I felt ridiculous, but it made more sense. She reaffirmed that I knew that going that extra mile was the best thing artistically even if the work didn't go home with someone.

We left topic after that....and talked about other shop talk things and giggled.

I was able to breathe again.

I met the Barren at home and told him I finally mourned the lost opportunity and that my continued work hard was just what I needed to keep doing. The phone rang....my parents had gone to the gallery, but my piece wasn't there. My father chatted up the gallery gal and she showed him the sales log and there was my name, and there was the name of the buyer....it sold out of the sloppy seconds gallery.

I asked if they were messing with my head, and my father got all super serious and said:

 "I would not joke about your work."

I think that if I had gotten this information hours earlier it would not have felt as good as it did. I had mourned my little broken hearted kid in me and walked ahead. The Barreness, had slammed that kid really hard but had not won. It was liberating and fulfilling.

The gallery sent an email out the following day with images of the work that was still available for sale and my image was not amongst them. My father had not lied.

* I looked up the name of the buyer, SHE is a super amazing humanitarian who is building schools for girls in Africa. How super cool is that!

Here is the piece she bought:

Sweat and Fears

I have mostly backed away from the cough syrup...and I am blowing my nose far less often now, so I  guess some would say I have made it past my annual Summer cold.

I was trying to remember all the places I might have caught this one and I have it narrowed down to three options:

1. I shook a lot of hands in San Francisco

2. I walked outside where people were

3. I accepted a piece of cheese from my 4yr old nephews hand

(it was a new piece of cheese, but it was transported by his paws)

Regardless, I have made it past the cold AND I seemed to have done a good job keeping The Barren free of my cooties...he even kissed me on the lips this morning!

(I guess the air we exchange while sleeping next to each other didn't count )

I pushed through the worst of the cold Friday and then when Saturday came around I was ready to overextend myself and test the waters to see just how well I was.

I went to a Beer-Fest, I didn't drink but one glass of the good stuff and spent the rest of the day trying not to melt in our uncommon heat. I made cupcakes for the event, my specialty:

"Lemon make you happy nipple twister" cupcakes
a trademark of The Barreness

I left my intoxicated hubby there with friends and ran back home mid day to apply fourteen layers of deodorant and makeup to attend an Art benefit I was part of in a nearby city. It required me wearing something dressier then a Kleenex filled pair of jeans and sweaty top that smelled of sunscreen.

My bestest (my oldest and dearest) was in town so we met for a girl date night and to scope out the scene. I am so glad she came with me, I was able to hide in the shade with her and talk shop and check out what people were doing. The event is a big deal, it raises money for an environmental education program that teaches kids about art and up-cycling materials. I am trying to "break into the art community" in this nearby town and attending these things and being in them is really important for my job. Even if it was 4000 degrees outside there was schmoozing that needed to be done.

The event was sponsored by many big companies one of which was a tequila company and so in the heat they were passing out crazy amounts of tequila cocktails and food.

They had an order to how they let people in: the people that paid extra to get into the venue first; to buy the "first picks", then they would let the artists in, and then the general entry tickets...but in the meantime....we lined up like cattle, drunk well snack food fed cattle, but sweaty creatives none the less...

please stand in the sun with a cocktail

We made it inside, and the art looked great, and I love those art collectors that spent extra to get in first and buy up a bunch of art...then the general public came in after us and the work started flying off the wall....well, most of it

My work was still unsold at the time of this image...along with others...but only slightly defeated I left an hour before the close of the event, I figured a nice dinner with my girlie was far more important then the watched pot/art piece...hopefully it sold by nights end....I'll get an email soonish telling me if and who bought the piece. Mind you, I get none of the funds from this event, so the fact that I want it sold so badly is merely that I have an ego that is fragile and wants to not be the fool that they took a chance on including in this event and didn't sell her work.

Vanity oh sweet vanity I know you...

We stayed out late, ate a great deal of food, and even packed dessert on top of it and shared

"my momma is so crazy" stories to help each other deal with the level of mortality we are being flung into. I got many text messages and missed a few calls from The Barren, who was giving me updates to his level of intoxication and indigestion.

I made it home, and fell into bed, waking up to find a good portion of my mascara on my upper cheeks and the remaining hairspray creating a whole new hairstyle....but happy, and not snotty.