Promises

I am working in the studio today and for some reason this just felt right...

ONO - No, No, No (Tom Novy Vocal Mix) by YokoOno

Her description of what inspired the song hit home:

NO, NO, NO was written and sung by a woman who was in such a pain that her heart was cracking while she kept her mind clear so she could survive for herself and for her son. Of course that was me - right after John passed away. When John was still alive, he kept whispering to Sean that he will always be there for Sean and protect him. So when John left, Sean kept saying "Promise is made to be broken." Making it light than what it was. He was in pain. Sean loved this song. Each time when I sung "I don't remember what you promeeesed" and elongated the end of it, he used to let his body go down at the same time to the floor. I remember how hard it was for me to go through that period, especially, knowing how Sean was managing to hide his tears. Yoko

All is quiet

I have been sort of quiet recently

It freaks out hubby because his first response is, something is wrong.

Thanks to the Barreness being part of our lives, we both jump to catastrophizing things first

and then back peddle from there.

I don't think anything is wrong, I am at a low hum.

~

I found myself sitting and watching the little girl across the street

play baseball in her princess dress...

layers of tulle and satin swishing as she ran back and forth

to get the ball she had just hit and return it to her mom who was throwing it to her.

Her father riding his long board skateboard around in circles and rooting her on.

I got lost in that for a while.

~

I saw myself and hubby, in those parents.

I thought of the afternoons that we would have spent, or the ideas we could have shared.

Then I got mad...mad at myself for falling for the Barreness's seductive ways.

She is a sly one, feeding me daydreams

and

spoon feeding me sweetness that she knows makes me sick.

~

So today I am trying to work; work on other things that don't hurt or kick deep down inside me:

Two cups of tea

watering the garden

going over images for new submissions

sending love notes to friends

petting the cats

kissing my hubby

Really...



I have never really dealt with the idea of PMS,

or maybe a better word is, acknowledged.

Before the whole IF nightmare began; I took great pride in the fact that no one really knew when I got my period.

I never talked about it, I was able to do anything I wanted whenever I wanted and it was a badge of honor for me...as I often felt that women were dismissed because of it.

My hubby has an thing on his phone that keeps track of my cycle; he says that it is empowering to know where I am in my body. He wants me to feel the same about it.

Ugh, whatever....

Today though, today I have found myself working uphill to make anything happen.

I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to get dressed.

I got dressed, I fed myself, I went to the garden and turned a water heavy pile of compost.

I came home and found that I just wanted to sit on the couch

watch stupid TV shows and eat the worst food for me in the house.

I am trying to not beat myself up about not being in the studio.

Not being productive

not being useful today.

I am suppose to get my period next week....but that is a whole week away!

I think I have PMS

OMG what has happened to me?!

Fotunate Friday

OK so I missed my Thankful Thursday post...and turned it into this one instead.

As Sunday approaches I decided to take to the garden early yesterday. I got a funny email from a fellow gardener reminding me that my garden was overflowing with food and it I wasn't careful I would "miss the treasures from my garden".

Well I read that after I got past the, boy your garden needs to be tended undertones

I reminded myself that my garden played a key role in my recovery from depression and that it was well worth the early morning trip to tend it.

I am thankful....

As I was quietly pulling the peas and carrots and turnips from the vines and ground I could hear myself breath. I realized I was in active meditation. I was quiet, my mind was quiet and the world around me was calm. Scrub jays were picking at the cleared earth I was leaving behind and feasting on the insects and worms.

I was even.

I was tending to my mother and celebrating her.

My hubby bought tickets to a music thing three or four months ago and told me to mark my calendar for the dinner and music night. I did and realized it was the day before my fathers birthday....it wasn't until about a week ago that we were told that it also fell on MOTHERS DAY

I kissed him and was so sosososososos thankful that we had plans, months before being aware of it, that would keep us from the flurry of the day.

My mother is a wonderful person who has come to understand that I mostly want to run for the hills on Mother's day...and that this day has dramatically shifted me in a way I will never recover from.

She and I spend time together on our whims and are not dictated by a marked day on a calendar.

My Mother-in-law, she simply wants to be acknowledged by hubby and we do that and she is happy.

I sometimes feel badly that I have taken Mother's day away from my mother, like, because of my perception of the day I am not able to celebrate her anymore.

My Aunt use to throw these elaborate parties on Mother's day, she would invite all the women in the family and all the mothers would get gifts and cooed over and told how wonderful they were. I participated in these events for years and years...then when The Barreness moved in I couldn't go.

I was chastised and scolded that I was being selfish.

So I went.

There was a moment at these parties,when all the mothers are given gifts...I remember sitting there with my smile and a sunny made up disposition and watched people on all sides of me being given gifts.

I sat with my plastered smile, paralysed.

Then I remember Hubby simply handing me a fruity something.

I spent the rest of the event holding back tears and wondering why I had folded to family pressure.

From that party on I rejected future invitations, and was scolded and "black listed" for years.

My Aunt even tried to change the name of the event to Women's Day...but still hold it on the same Sunday.

I never went back...It has been 5years and just now, I am not spoken of in hushed whispers.

This is what I think of as Mother's day...isolation, depression and shame.

My garden yesterday wiped that all away.

I think I actually saw The Barreness standing by the fence, pouting.

Thankful Thursday

Thank you all for your warm wonderful birthday wishes!

I was so deeply touched that you sent them.

Thank you most sincerely

I am so thankful to have this blog to express my deep, dark sorrow and dreams.

I am sure I am not the only one, but birthdays are markers of not only time but accomplishments for me.

In many ways far worse then the "high school reunions or post college get together".

I find that for myself, my birthday gives me time to assess what I still would like to accomplish in my life.

~

I feel thankful this year: that I am talking to others about my infertility, I am able to speak frankly about the pain and lifelong ache and

I have add the word hope on my list of words I would like to use in the coming year.

I don't use it even in casual conversations, I would like to use again without reservation or fear.

My Birthday

Today is my birthday....last year when I discovered that it fell at the same time as NIAW I was heartbroken.

I wanted a break from what I carry as the darkest part of my heart.

I realize now that it is not a curse, but a scar, a story.

I am a Barren woman

I have been to dark dark places, I have felt sadness with no end

I have cried to the point of dehydration

I have been lost

and I am still alive.

Busting my myth for NIAW

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I am busting a myth and taking names!

"You did something to cause your infertility that is why you can’t get pregnant"

According to RESOLVE there are few lifestyle choices that cause permanent damage to your fertility. I think when push comes to shove; the easiest path for most is the “blame game”.

For us the first years of our infertility was my fault; according to doctors and family at least.

I cannot tell you how often I heard that I must be doing something wrong… you must not have counted the days correctly. You must not have kept your pelvis tilted long enough? You probably didn’t have sex enough or at the right times.

If they were not focusing on our sex life; they were offering up suggestions for food, exercise, eastern medicine and rituals. In our physicians, friends and families eyes, this was entirely our fault and we had clearly overlooked something. It quickly became insulting and hurtful.

Well we were rabbits! I have been a healthy vegetarian for close to twenty years, I had never drank, I had never smoked, I took my vitamins, I moved my body, I wasn’t overweight or underweight. I was just your average healthy Jane; nothing remarkable or special about me. We explored non-traditional medicines, exercises, meditations and non-evasive medical treatments that fit our beliefs.

When I finally to complained about extreme pain (I waited several months to do this as I thought I needed to suffer to become a mother), I was told that I was overreacting to having painful periods. It was only after advocating for myself that it was discovered that there was a medical reason for my infertility, and it had NOTHING to do with my lifestyle or lack of trying.

My Infertility came from a combination of a birth defect and aggressively relentless fibroids and cysts. Nothing I could have eaten, taken, or chosen did this. Making love 24 hours a day, 7 days a week would never have changed this. It was not my fault and no one is to blame.

It is this message that is the hardest to still get thru people’s minds. The easiest route is to play the blame game; the harder choice is to be empathetic.

Be tough and make the harder choices.

I cried for you

I am feeling sentimental and kind of blue.

When I get that way I turn my thoughts to Paris.

I use to live in that city many years ago.

Not for a long time but for a sometime

an important time in my life.

When I get blue my first thought are of returning there and recapturing that romantic mood and time in my past. It was all mine, I was free in my mind, my soul and my heart. I had not known the heartbreak of a miscarriage or the loss of what I thought my future would hold.

Last night while work I was listening to this song and I was instantly transported and began to cry.

So many women talk of getting away after finding out about their infertility or having a miscarriage. I always fantasize about just that.

Taking an overnight flight, walking into a nice hotel and falling into a bed with crisp white sheets that overlooks a beautiful spot in the city. Sleeping, really sleeping... and feeling the down blankets cradle me and allow me to loose myself in that moment.

Then, awake and find myself wandering pre-dawn streets and smelling the bakeries and feel the cool autumn wind on my face....

last night this gave me no comfort, but merely had me crying.

Thankful Thursday

Seeing as that it seems to be Thursday again

and I am working on changing my normally sarcastic outlook (well,this week)

I decided to focus this energy for the powers of good

*

I am thankful that I have been able to clear a longtime clogged slate of anger

(it is a doosie; so being the experimenter that I am , I thought I would see how long they could keep me from turning away from them, ball is in their court. I showed up to the game) 

I am trying, again

*

I am also thankful that when invited to visit with a long time ago friend I didn't run for the hills when I discovered that she was 8 3/4 months pregnant.

I am thankful indeed

Thankful Thursday

I got a call from a location that had read my proposal.

I have a studio visit next week

I am thankful that someone opened my envelope and thinks my BARREN show is worth exploring further

What's in a name

I have found myself in a loop, a loop like a skipping record.

I am hearing names and remembering all the names I had picked out for children.

It seems to be overwhelming as of late; where conversations I am engaged in mention a person or friend or family member by name and it triggers an instant image of a list of names I had written.

Beautiful wonderful strings of names that, have deep meaning and symbolism to us.

Names that would surely accompany our wonderful children thru life, inspire them to help others, remember where they came from and strive to make things better for those that will follow.

Names that have been collected, researched and gathered since I was a child.

Names that have been in the family for generations, names of lost friends and beloved members of the family, names that carry spiritual meaning

Sacred names, secret names, musical names

All those names seem to be cast off into the wind, I can see them floating in front of me in the breeze.

Dancing and bobbing in the clear air

slowly moving farther and farther away from me

Infertility and pet populations

Yesterday Keiko Zoll brought to my attention this latest campaign from PETA, after reading her statement and the responses from PETA I was moved to sign the petition, please take a moment and consider it too:

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) launched a publicity campaign/contest on March 31, 2011 offering a free vasectomy to a man who spays or neuters his pet during the month of April "in honor of" National Infertility Awareness Week. Instead of honoring this community, PETA has decided that it's acceptable to ridicule, devalue, and trivialize the infertility patient community experience in the name of promoting responsible pet-ownership.
The "Win a Vasectomy" campaign is not only a mockery of everything that National Infertility Awareness Week seeks to promote, but is a cruel execution of a promotional concept at the expense of millions of patients for whom infertility is no laughing matter.


Tell PETA President Ingrid Newkirk that infertility is not a joke and demand an apology for and immediate removal of the link between their campaign and National Infertility Awareness Week.

CLICK HERE TO SIGN PETITION


As a lifelong animal lover, animal rights advocate,vegetarian, and sometimes vegan I am outraged.
I am without words....I signed the petition and have asked others to do the same.

Longing

wordless wednesday

Churning

My goddaughters live next door.

This is a mixed blessing...

We share a single wall.

Next door, the top of the stairs has a landing, that landing is the "time out" zone for the girls....

on the opposite side it is in our kitchen wall.

On Saturday, I was shaken to the core when I heard my goddaughter 

screaming, well more like shrilling in a deeply primal way and stomping her feet.

We could hear her thru the wall and feel her stomps in our floors.

Her screams left me wanting to throw up,

I was panicked, like a wild animal running for the hills during a natural disaster.

I was unable to focus on work and was pacing up and down the hall, my hubby was slowing turning up his amplifier so as to drown out the sounds.

We were both beside ourselves.

We spoke to our friends later that night and came to find out that something has shifted in her.

They are not sure what, but she is angry, mad mad angry.

The fit earlier that day, had her father wrapping himself around her like a bear-hug, so she would not hurt herself or the wall that she was punching and kicking as she let it all out.

I could do nothing and yet, 

I am not sure how I would deal with it if that was my child.

I fear I might run away and hide.

I would run

run 

run

In reflection of this, I am questioning what kind of mother I would have been...maybe this is another form of proof that I was not destined to be a mother. 

When things get hard, and painful my first impulse is to run

Lottery Ticket

My hubby is sort of coming into himself these days....

he is rethinking what makes him happy, what brings him joy,

what he wants to do and how he can follow that;

regardless where he spends his days.

Since the appearance for the work for my show

and

his inclusion of his lullaby,

he has really started to take in the harsh reality of being a family of two.

His reality checks come at strange times for him, and they are never welcomed.

His job has him working in a traditional open room, filled with cubicles; each space personally decorated with a combination of office possessions, plants and family photos.

His company is progressive and has family days, bring your kids to work day, family activities and maternity and paternity leaves.

We will not be using any of those days or do we attend any of those events.

On a recent bring your kids to work day, the company had a play room set up and encouraged workers to take shifts watching the kids play and visit with other coworkers and children...

I got a text saying:  "OMG I forgot it was BYKtWD"

My sweet man was cornered by a co-worker asking why he was not offering to watch the kids?

he simply replied "um, I am just not into that"

the co-worker then said "you don't like kids?!"

hubby said: "actually we tried for a long time to have them and it didn't happen, so I am not really ok around kids"

to that the co-worker said: " oh "

and walked away...

leaving hubby gutted and wanting to disappear.

He is asked repeatedly if he has kids; he has the classic co-worker who has just returned to work from having a baby, she works on the other side of his cubicle; cooing and evangelizing how much better her life is now that she is a mom. Her audience is her boss who is a new dad, so they talk on and off all day long about how wonderful their lives are now.

Yesterday I got another " help" text

Yesterday a young coworker came flying up the aisle of the office waving a piece of paper proclaiming that she has great news. Hubby works with her, and so he peeked out of his cube to see her and the paper picture of her uterus with new dark dot.

He said on the ride home last night that is was really strange for him, that he wanted to be excited but all he could think of was how, "she won the lottery...

A lottery that most people win."

It is at times like this that I often fall back into my own thoughts of shame and guilt.

Ones where I wonder if he should find someone else and start a life with her, make beautiful babies and live the life he was suppose to.

Not one with my faulty uterus and ovaries.

Sometimes I ask him, if he feels cheated or wants to find a new life...

not quite sure if I am really prepared for the answers.

But every time, he looks me in the eye, and tells me he

would rather walk this road with me than any road with anyone else.

For that I am thankful...

even if I never fully get over feeling guilty about it.

I have no words of comfort for him, I know they don't work in situations like this.

The real me

I tend to make grand changes when I decide to change...well I think this falls in line with that element of me.

I have decided to finally come clean....

In an effort to stop waiting, stop holding back, stop stuttering.

I have posted my exhibit for you all to see.

I am trying to get this into other venues around the US or world...I am showing this work to galleries so, why not show my sisterhood?!

See the image on the right?

click it and it links to my exhibit...

I have referred to it many times last year....but now you can see it for yourself.

I am revealing the real me

The long wait

I feel as though I am on the edge of taking a large leap and floating thru the sky never to land.

I said aloud the other day, "I am tired of my life being on hold"...in a strange holding pattern for pregnancy.

I am over 40, have no plans to have assistance in getting pregnant or becoming a mother; and am just now beginning to really see that I have been holding back.

Restraining myself most unconsciously.

After so many years of holding on, holding back and waiting.

Not eating this or eating that...thinking 9-15months ahead of time, wondering, planning, waiting.

Wanting to go here or there, do this or that, but knowing that I needed to be near a doctor or ER.

Saving money here or there not knowing when we might need it for a child or co-payment.

Everytime I moved a piece of furniture, or brought something new into the house wondering how long before I would have to move it out to make room for another person.

I am exhausted and disappointed in all this waiting and restraining.

I feel as though I am on the precipice of personal freedom

I am ready to jump out of the basket I have been carrying around that holds items I have gathered.

I am ready to LIVE again and stop waiting

I want to be free of my baby-hopes and restraints

How I spent my weekend

 I could not get past the first 5minutes of the movie Eat Pray Love,
so instead I spent my time doing something far more meaningful.

 I spent the whole weekend reading this AMAZING book from Lisa Manterfield

 Now you know I wear glasses sometimes and have twinkle lights up still.

Wordless Wednesday

I don't have a lot to say....

I sent my first of what I hope to be many proposals out to a new gallery.

I am trying in my most professional way to convince other galleries that they should host my next show.

Here is what I am telling them:

I have created a series of highly personal images focused on my infertility, these images are intimate and reticent; I have explored what it means to be infertile in a child-centric world. Infertility has colored my thoughts, outlook and perception of the world around me. The inspiration for the show was not only the discovery of my own infertility, but the silence surrounding it. The theme is one that is relatable to a growing population and thought provoking for those affected by it either personally or through relationships.

It is a hard sell, "hey everyone come into a gallery filled with heartache and pain."

But when I get discouraged I remember that someone out there is not understanding how painful it is to live daily like this. I know it does something to a viewer, something quiet but pure.... after viewing my show many people told me that they saw things differently now.

That is what I am hoping to do, change the world.