Did I say too much

I wondered if I said too much with the last post, pissed you all off...

It came from my heart...pure concern and fear.

I hope that you know that.

 

When The Barren and I  were in our darkest hours, I saw many many doctors, like many of you have, and what I heard from them were things that would make it easier for them to treat me.

Fixes that would reduce my questions and discomfort. Easy outs.

*

My gyno told me over a phonecall, when I was asking for a renewal on my pain meds: 

" maybe you should just have a hysterectomy, sweetie, it will make it so much easier for you"

*

I was told by a doctor in the ER after being admitted for a 8cm corpus luteum, that I should really consider having my ovaries removed because it would avoid problems like this.

*

I was told by an oncological gynecologist that I should consider having my cysts and fibroids removed, but it would most likely plummet my chances of conceiving, so get a good doctor to preform the surgery to hedge my bets.

*

I was told by a gyno that my pain was just me being extra sensitive to what a real period was like after being on the pill for so many years. 

*

I was told by an ultrasound tech that I didn't drink enough water and that I made her job very difficult, then she proceeded to berate me through the exam

*

After all of this, I went into my primary doctor because I had been exposed to strep through a friend that was a teacher, she looked at my chart and looked at me and said:

" I am surprised you even came into the office, this is not a pretty path, I am surprised you do not hate doctors by now"

 

I don't, I just don't like it when they give up on me

 

What I took away from many years of therapy is that:

 it was not MY FAULT that I wasn't able to have a baby.

It was alright that I chose to not walk the assumed path.

It was OK that I wanted to fight to keep my reproductive system.

I had a set of beliefs that made me feel like a person

and removing any of those would remove my belief in self worth.

 

Trying to get pregnant is hard for many of us, staying pregnant is hard for many of us and hearing that we are not pregnant over and over again is hard for many of us.

 

What I didn't like and what I see happening to others is that being turned around and women being left as a shell of themselves with the same results going in.

That scares me, I simply want to remind you that you are

whole, you are lovely and smart.

Today in the news....

* another soapboxy sort of post*

 

 

ok so all sorts of crazy stuff swirls around us daily and personally I try to navigate around the fake news stuff....like movie star dinners out, sports team negotiations, and telephone releases (sorry) ...but I do follow medical news as I am really bad at taking vitamins and I am always curious about how to make up for being a dork about simple things.

 

Anyhoo, I saw this today:

 

Mother-to-daughter womb transplant

'success' in Sweden

Doctors say the operations will only be considered a complete success if they result in children

Here is the whole article for those who want to read more

 

um, no pressure or anything...and WOW

this is clearly highlighting the lengths and heights women will go to in an effort to get pregnant.

I admire the trial, but I am also heartbroken by it.

When will it be enough? How will you ever know when you have "tried everything",

or crossed off everything on your list ? Is it when you are left as a mere shadow of yourself

feeling totally defeated?

I am often thankful that The Barren and myself made these clear defining lines before trying to become parents...so when the emotions were so thick, and the sadness was so dark we were able to make choices.

I admire women, I care about women and I am often concerned about women who fall down the rabbit hole, and get lost and overtaken on the path.

Directed by empty promises

.

I know many of these women get pregnant, and many have chosen to take these paths.

It was not a path we chose, but I am not your enemy, nor am I judging you.

 

I am just concerned about how doctors seem to take advantage of couples.

It is those that I am referring to...I am most concerned about. 

 the all cards on the table, all the chickens

The all to familiar story of: 

"Well first you have to try these four things that will most likely not result in a pregnancy first, break your heart into a million pieces, finance yourself into a hole and then dangle a carrot just out of reach so that you are always feeling like you have never done enough"

I can only image what these women are about to go through next, their mothers gave them their uterus and now the doctors are pacing to see if they can get pregnant.

One has already had her path face cancer, another wasn't even born with a uterus...the emotional expenses so far are huge!

I am sending out love and strength to these ladies, I am sure your road was not easy up to now, and I fear it will continue to be a bumpy ride.

 

BIG love your way

 

Information Gathering

Today I went to an appointment that I have been working on not thinking about for weeks.

I did pretty well until Friday when the paperwork arrived in the mail.

 

I had a consult with a specialist about my cyst (Quasimodo) the one that has been camped out for years and refuses to change or go away. My doc, as a precautionary measure wanted me to get a second opinion that my " hell no you can not go for a scenic drive around my pelvis and pluck whatever you damn well please" watch and wait method was still safe. I understood and quite frankly with all the health issues with family and friends as of late, I needed to step up to the plate.

It was a 6 week wait to see this doctor, and after my visit I see why.

 

I awoke early and as I sat in bed trying to figure out what time it was The Barren said so what are you going to say? I said I was going to ask if I was in mortal danger with my current modus operandi. He said " she is going to tell you, you need surgery...what will you say then? " Sweet man, playing devils advocate so I could prepare my speech. I told him that I would say " that is not an option for me, what is plan B, C,D, E or F?" He kissed me and said " good luck"

 

I arrived with my folder of past test results from 2004 to current and sat and waited. The office filled with mid-pregnant women and the door between the reception desk and back exam rooms was constantly swinging open as that same group of women were in a parade circle to the bathroom.

 

Free samples for the pregnant gals, sadly no drinks were offered to the rest of us.
Is there a suggestion card around....

 

I was called in and I could feel my heart beating so fast, and hard, I was terrified that I would not have the conviction in my voice to speak up in the face of this newest doctor. I was told on the phone that it didn't matter where I was in cycle that as it was only a consult, I was not going to be examined. Well she was wrong, large paper napkin in place, I did the modesty wiggle to unfold that paper as far as possible and then wrap the ends around my hips so my arse was not blowing in the wind...cross my legs up under me and resume some sense of dignity while I sat and waited some more.

 

I heard my chart removed from the outside of the door and she sat with it for a fair bit of time, in fact I was taken aback how long she read it....then she entered the room.

We said hellos and then I told her why I was there...careful around the word " get another set of eyes on it" as I was not opening the sightseeing tour just yet. She asked how my quality of life was, daily. Asked what my periods were like, then she asked another question:

 

Doctor Lady: " so you have stopped trying"

 

I sat there thinking about Nicole's post, feeling like my heart suddenly got a lot heavier

and in my next breath I said:

 

The Barreness: " it just didn't happen for us the way we wanted." 

 

Doctor Lady: " so you have come to terms with that "

 

I took a deep breath, and said

 

" as much as I can, it is something I work with everyday"

 

Doctor Lady: " What I mean is, you are not here to ask me to help you try and get pregnant"

 

The Barreness: " No, it can not happen the way we had hoped. I am here to make sure that my quality of life is maintained and that I am not putting myself at jeopardy"

 

Doctor Lady: "That is very brave of you, that is something very hard....do you have someone to talk with about it?  like a therapist or friends...you should not try to handle it alone"

 

The Barreness: " that is the most compassionate thing any doctor has said to me about my infertility, thank you. That was very kind of you"

 

Lady Doctor: " I am really sorry to hear that, really, that is sad"

 

She mentioned what she thinks I have is an Endometrioma and that it can be removed, if I ever want it to be...but if I am comfortable and only in hell a few days a month, and I am OK with that we can forget it. She then mentioned my lovely heart shaped uterus and mentioned that that is the most likely culprit for my losses. She mentioned that that could be removed too.
I told her I understood but now that I am over 40, I have changed paths...realizing that those were options (that were never mentioned to me by the way) for me at 34 when I started trying to stay pregnant. Reality is my eggs are older, and most likely pissed off at me and so I didn't need to invite Pandora into my life. I have had enough heartbreak and pain and loss.

She said she understood.

Scary shit you can be tested for...

 

In an effort to remove yet another scary option off my checklist, I gave a vial of blood for CA125,

she said that endometriosis can show it as an elevated number but she felt confident that she could tell the difference between endo and a cancer. So I did that too...not thinking about that either.

 

She gave me a feel, furrowed her brow while I tried to relax and told her I would add her to my list of people who have felt my uterus.

She ordered I get new ultrasounds, one as soon as my next period is over and then a followup 6 weeks later. it was important to start the plotting of the cyst and make sure it was not changing at all. My every four months was not close enough together...ugh

So I have those transvag days to look forward too into the holiday season....HOHOHO

 

Today is also the anniversary of my Nana's death. She left 6 years ago.

I mention this because what I did next is directly related.

When I was in the middle of finding all this sadness out, and being a medical guinea pig

I had to tell my Nana that I could not have kids.

She was not an emotional woman, in the sense that she didn't cry or hug.

Not a babushka kinda grandmother.

My Nana, liked men, drinks and sex.

But...

When I told her, she looked heartbroken and so concerned...

it made it almost unbearable.

She reached out and simply hugged me.

It was the best gift from her, knowing she loved me so completely.

About a week later, she sent me a card, in it was some cash.

The card said:

" Go get yourself something pretty, it will help you"

Classic 50's gal, pretty yourself up on the outside and it will start helping the inside

So today, after the appointment, I bought myself a couple new blouses.

I even got one for a friend that I know needs a little pick me up too.

thanks Nana

Lovely Blog Award

Several months ago I was doing some catch up reading of LaLa's blog and saw that she had so kindly  awarded my little bitch and moan blog this honor.

I have been blogging for so many years with no one ever seeing me that this recent shift of having followers and now an award was A LOT to process.

So LaLa I am sorry for the delay in responding but here is my long awaited response.

*****

 Fistly,

I feel SUPER DUPER honored that I have received this Lovely Blog Award from LaLa

at http://lockedwombmystery.blogspot.com/

Per the honors here are 7 random facts about me:

1. I am incredibly superstitious. So much so that sometimes I will not let you say certain things at certain times. See I can not even tell you what that is and why! I have incorporated this so well into my life that I barely know that I am doing it anymore!

2. I often have the desire to honk at random people for random reasons. I drive a lot and often times when I pass a car that has someone picking their nose, or talking on the phone or if someone is just walking down the street I want to honk my car horn at them. It is like the least used thing in my car... I barely use my horn. I wonder if anyone has ever had to replace their horn from overuse?!humm

3. I LOVE the smell of wet earth, maybe it is from all my gardening, or that it evokes childhood memories, but I find it so very comforting. If they made a spray of that smell I would spray it on my pillow so I could smell it as I drifted off to sleep.

4. I often think there are ghosts in my house. I wake up almost every night thinking that someone is in my bedroom watching me sleep.

5. When I get dressed up, I spend a good bit of time putting on make-up (this might be because I really don't know how to do it so I am teaching myself at the same time) and then after looking at myself, wipe it off with my hands leaving my face in a state of half made up/ half back at square one.

6. I watch home shopping channels to see how people talk for so long about light bulbs or other things like that. I am training myself to be able to talk to anyone about anything!

 

7. I sometimes can not see the defining line between people and animals and so when I look at animals, like baboons, I only see a being, no different than you or me.

 

 

I have had to adjust the conditions a little to maintain anonymity and to account for the fact that I don't read a lot of blogs...I window shop on ETSY and art supply stores a lot.

Here are the blogs I read the most/ favorite blogs:

Clearly there is LaLa's blog, I love her candid nature and real ideas:

Locked Womb Mystery

 

The first blog I started to read when I was looking for infertility blogs was Lisa's:

Life Without Baby

 

I ADORE Nicole's Blog, and she writes so wonderfully:

Real Life and Thereafter

 

From a friend on the other side of the world, Mali always has such wonderful insight:

No Kidding in NZ

 

There are a couple blogs that I "drop-in on" that are currently discussing children or are actively/passively trying to have children or have them:

 

KitVonD is a woman show has been riding a roller coaster of emotions in this last year, she is also in the middle of making her life the one she wants, we can all applaud that!

The Life and Times of KitVonD

 

and I always love to simply read this blog, I have for years and years,

Eden is funny, clever, honest and quirky...

warning she is a mom, and does talk about and show her kid...but also her bulldog, clothing choices and lunch

FUSSY

 

 

Thank you again LaLa

you made me feel so special

 

 

Pop goes the weasel

image via superstock

OMG

 it happened, the building pressure could not be contained any longer...

the pain and hurt,

the miscommunication and anger was all too much.

 

My friend, the one I mentioned here, was outside when The Barren and I passed to say good morning and she let loose again. She just kept telling me how upset she was, how she has stopped calling or asking me to do things...I heard most of what she said, but in all honesty, I also shut totally down.
 I heard myself say things like, I hear you, I understand you.
Then when it was all over, I ran into the house and closed myself into a bathroom and cried.
That night we went to dinner with her and her family.
As we drove to meet them I turned to The Barren and said
"I feel like you are driving me to an execution".
At dinner, I said barely anything, I was so nauseous and scared. We parted and on the way home I decided I wanted to hole up some more...lick wounds so to speak.
 

The next day I wasn't able to do anything but think of the recent encounter...so I wrote down how I was feeling. I used words like bullied, mean, fear and emotionally exhausted.

It took three times of trying to meet with her, but that day we met face to face,
I figured if I was going to puke she should see that too.
 

We sat outside my front door, and I read what I wrote, she listened and then countered...
she used words like hurt and angry and mean and done.

She started to yell, then I started to yell and then...while she was telling me how she was feeling,
I said : " I am glad we are doing this, as horrible as it is long overdue"

We could have been panting by the time were were done,
but it came to that moment when we said so what do we do now?
Was this worth trying to save, did we still want to be friends or try to be...
 

My suggestion was to start from square one, let go of all the things we had done to hurt and disappoint one another in the past as that can not be changed and
move forward anew for this moment.

She agreed.

 

How painful it was to see myself in this other persons eyes, thinking all this time I was doing no harm; avoiding conflict, but instead hurting this person. It was horrible, and to be pushed so far that I spoke the hidden words I was feeling for her all this time. It was a lot to process at that moment.

 

I introduced myself, we ended up talking another half hour and by the end we were laughing and relaxed again.

We have plans to have coffee on Saturday.

 

The adrenaline that had built up over this is finally leaving my body
and I burned the paper I had written to her.

Soapboxxing

No wordless Wednesday here:

I'm feeling stepped on...so out comes my soapbox

 

I went to get a salad for lunch and in the15 minutes it took in my car I heard enough discussion on the current debate of women's health issues that I stormed into my work with lunch in hand and declared:

 

"I am really concerned about the quality of life women will be facing"

 

I work with ALL MEN and the first thing that was said in response to me stepping onto my soap box was " I don't understand why these politicians are even involved in women's health issues"

ahh I am glad I work with some progressive men

 

OK so I am starting to get concerned...more then normal, maybe I am feeding into the chaos...but from what I am hearing and witnessing...things are going apeshit crazy!

This is the spark that has started my fire and desire to speak up:

 

The recent comments from Todd Akin, and the AMAZING open letter from the multifaceted and talented Eve Ensler (Vagina Monologues creator)

 

 

I spent over an hour listening to the RNC last night via NPR news.

I was driving home and it was quiet and I had undistracted time and although the evening events lasted longer then an hour...that is what I had.

NPR had no commentary, just the ability to listen, and I wanted to hear what was being said.

I try and be as educated as possible when I go to vote, I have only missed voting once since registering and that was 20 years ago.

I want to hear both sides, and understand the points of views...

Not a lot of specifics were talked about last night in the hour I listened

...but what was said left me unsettled and scared.

I will continue to listen and watch, but I can say so far, no good.

 

I am a BARREN WOMAN and I feel like my vagina and uterus is up for discussion, casual conversation and that options about how I choose to live with it are not secure.

 

I came home to see this wonderful post by Pamela, and felt the same way, I am not being addressed.

 

When I spoke with The Barren last night when, I said to him, I am feeling like I am on shaky ground.

"I am warning you now; I might start hauling around a bullhorn and soapbox to declare how I am not happy. I am not going to tell others what to do, but I am going to tell political persons what they are doing to me is not OK".

 

He said: " good deal" and smiled

 

 

Uterine power activate, form of strong and vocal woman

 

Upended

I am going to bitch today...if you have no desire to read me bitching about The Barreness and her wicked mean ways...check back later this week. xo

******************************************************************************

I have completely torn apart my studio space....

I mean I have every inch of floorspace covered right now...

like a visual temper tantrum.

I have barely hatched out a space for me to sit and type this...but I have. I really wanted to make a better space to work in, weed out things and supplies I was not using to free up space for ones I am using or wanting easier access to tools.

All I have now is a HUGE mess and all week I just keep closing the door and ignoring the door, while deadline are ticking and coming around the corner.

UGH so I am in here now sorting and shifting.

I really am prepared to create anything at anytime...I am a well stocked closet, but it has also shed light on an addiction.

I have an addiction to art supplies. I have a bad one....

 

image via pinterest

 

The Barreness has reared her head, she was laying in wait for a while, so I really shouldn't be surprised.

She shot me in the gut Friday...and left me blinded with pain and curled around a heating pad like some crazy 1970's filmstrip movie of how to relieve menstrual pains.

I got panicked again, the pain that I use to experience returned...the constant wave after wave of ever increasing pain in the face of a pain pill scared me...I fear returning to the ER, in fact I will do anything ANYTHING else to avoid that trip and terror.

Friday night was date night, we had gone out and half way to the restaurant I had The Barren return home so I could take my pain pill in time and not over shoot the timing and have a break in the dosing.

We sat at dinner, me blinded and mentally ticking away the minutes till I could hear what he was saying as the pain subsided...smiling grimacing through the pain and discomfort...waiting for the distraction to help sail me past the cramping and pinching and pulling.

Waiting for the food, that took FOREVER to arrive (really it was over an hour) and then pretending that the pain lifted so The Barren could relax a little. As we drove home, I was getting concerned as the pain was still building...The Barren asked ever so softly..." is there something I can do? When do I need to be really concerned? Would you like a bath or should we go somewhere else..." We returned home, me chanting the mantra  "I can take this other pain pill if I need it, we still have options"...then I remembered that horrible filmstrip from 5th grade about heat...and seeing as I could not even keep my eyes open any longer, I opted to have the heating pad..it took a little for the Barren to find an extension cord so it would reach me curled into a ball on the couch. I am not sure when it happened but the combination of the heat and pain... but I passed out...I awoke three hours later to The Barren asking how I was...I stumbled into the bedroom and caught sight of myself...I was dead pale...I mean PALE...I fell into bed and The Barren brought the heat pad to me and I curled myself around it and fell into a sleep filled with terror and fears.

The Barreness laughed at me all day yesterday...pushing me down, and hobbling me with constant trips to the bathroom, making sure I bled through at least two pair of pants...she kept me home all day and when night came, only allowed me an hour and a half before opening the faucet for more runs to the toilet. I felt belittled and silly...I am a woman for gods sake, you'd think I'd have this whole -don't bleed on your clothes -thing figured out my now...but it always seems to strike me by surprise.

Stupid! Stupid Stupid....

 

Today I am facing the studio, well trying to...at least get a good portion of it workable again...less chaos of paper and untwisted...removing things.

I got orders for items from a children's line I use to make, I spent time remembering why I am not making more for that endeavor and then I got an email from a new artist friend telling me she is pregnant and wants to see what items are still available....

the whole world feels upended this weekend...I am aiming for some firmly planted footing this coming week. After all I need to revisit the children items again...just as I was packing them up and moving them out of the studio.

People keep having babies....everyone keeps having babies.

Yes...yes I did

Every once in a while I get curious what it is like to be a girlie girl.

So this year it has manifested as a $14 salad (still trying to calculate those costs)

 and the September issue of VOGUE

Yes I bought the magazine, as well as a handful of new make-up and have sat down for a good put your feet up and enjoy fantasy read.

all the fancy stuff in this salad fell to the bottom of the container

When my 10 year old goddaughter saw the copy of the magazine on the  coffee table, I looked at her and said, "The pictures are all fun to look at but nothing in this magazine is real; none of the women have pores...if you don't have pores you can't be real"

Hopefully, when she is ready to crack open her first "fashion" magazine she remembers that.

The Kindergartener

I think they are holding their heads like this to balance the hairstyle

I had tea with another creative, someone I adore and have made friends with recently...we were friendly before but something shifted about a two or so years ago and we just started hanging out more...it was natural and easy and we are both kind of dorky and geeky and giggly. We both have suffered from depression and have come out on the brighter side and can tell when the other is skirting the edge. It is quite refreshing.

So we were having tea on Thursday and talking shop, she is a graphic designer and painter and we talk out creative roadblocks in an effort to figure out how to keep moving. She went first and we talked about her creative and personal road blocks and sipped tea and ate macaroons and figured some shit out...then she looked and me and said "your turn".

I was feeling sort of blue, since my piece didn't sell at the event.

BACKTRACK....

I called the gallery on Tuesday, the event decided to host a "Morning after exhibit" in order to give people an extra chance to purchase art that hadn't sold at the big hootenanny and didn't want to buy entry tickets on top of the art purchase price...I called it the "sloppy seconds" gallery.  So I called there on Tuesday to find out (incognito) if my piece had sold. I did this at work (my other job, I work in an industrial business that my brother owns) and while my mother was visiting me there. So I called and said " Hello I was calling to see if number 55 was still available for sale?" trying to be all sly and disguise-y "Oh, Hi we didn't keep the numbers on the work, can you describe it to me?"  SHIT..."Um...yeah, it was a print, of two women with trophies..." I was kind of freaking out..."OH that one I LOVE that piece, yep it is here." ..gulp" uh, thank you I will tell the person that is interesting in it" "OK, bye..."

My brother, hearing this conversation, started to laugh..." you are going to tell yourself" I hung up the phone and said out loud " Barreness, your work is in the sloppy second gallery, you have shamed your family name" My mother, kind of didn't get this and said, well, your father and I  are going to see it tomorrow...I am glad it is still there. My brother, at my comment realized I was upset.

I took a little walk and came back to finish my work.

Back to Thursday:

I had woken up that morning, dragging, looking forward to meeting my friend and talk about something other then the pity party I had been throwing myself for the last couple days. When she said my turn...I just sighed..she said "unload"...I told her that I was disappointed that my work hadn't sold and that I had really gone out on a limb with new techniques and processes and I had blown all my whistles and rung all my bells. It was silly to be upset about it, as I know how subjective art is and that I am trying to get into a new community of artists and that it is super clique-y and that art is all about who you know and as an art buyer you have to be following artists in order to really gauge what they are making and how they are growing artistically and it SUPER SUCKED that my work was in the sloppy seconds gallery.

She looked at me and said "of course it hurts, the kindergartner in you worked really really hard on that piece and was really proud of it and no one told her they liked it"

I started crying....it was validating.

 I kept thinking how I was ushered in, in the 23rd hour to be part of this exhibit, and two people put their names on the line for me and my participation. I didn't want to let them down. I didn't want to make a fool of myself. Like finally being invited to a party and then bringing  food that makes everyone sick. Remembered for all the wrong reasons.

I felt ridiculous, but it made more sense. She reaffirmed that I knew that going that extra mile was the best thing artistically even if the work didn't go home with someone.

We left topic after that....and talked about other shop talk things and giggled.

I was able to breathe again.

I met the Barren at home and told him I finally mourned the lost opportunity and that my continued work hard was just what I needed to keep doing. The phone rang....my parents had gone to the gallery, but my piece wasn't there. My father chatted up the gallery gal and she showed him the sales log and there was my name, and there was the name of the buyer....it sold out of the sloppy seconds gallery.

I asked if they were messing with my head, and my father got all super serious and said:

 "I would not joke about your work."

I think that if I had gotten this information hours earlier it would not have felt as good as it did. I had mourned my little broken hearted kid in me and walked ahead. The Barreness, had slammed that kid really hard but had not won. It was liberating and fulfilling.

The gallery sent an email out the following day with images of the work that was still available for sale and my image was not amongst them. My father had not lied.

* I looked up the name of the buyer, SHE is a super amazing humanitarian who is building schools for girls in Africa. How super cool is that!

Here is the piece she bought:

Sweat and Fears

I have mostly backed away from the cough syrup...and I am blowing my nose far less often now, so I  guess some would say I have made it past my annual Summer cold.

I was trying to remember all the places I might have caught this one and I have it narrowed down to three options:

1. I shook a lot of hands in San Francisco

2. I walked outside where people were

3. I accepted a piece of cheese from my 4yr old nephews hand

(it was a new piece of cheese, but it was transported by his paws)

Regardless, I have made it past the cold AND I seemed to have done a good job keeping The Barren free of my cooties...he even kissed me on the lips this morning!

(I guess the air we exchange while sleeping next to each other didn't count )

I pushed through the worst of the cold Friday and then when Saturday came around I was ready to overextend myself and test the waters to see just how well I was.

I went to a Beer-Fest, I didn't drink but one glass of the good stuff and spent the rest of the day trying not to melt in our uncommon heat. I made cupcakes for the event, my specialty:

"Lemon make you happy nipple twister" cupcakes
a trademark of The Barreness

I left my intoxicated hubby there with friends and ran back home mid day to apply fourteen layers of deodorant and makeup to attend an Art benefit I was part of in a nearby city. It required me wearing something dressier then a Kleenex filled pair of jeans and sweaty top that smelled of sunscreen.

My bestest (my oldest and dearest) was in town so we met for a girl date night and to scope out the scene. I am so glad she came with me, I was able to hide in the shade with her and talk shop and check out what people were doing. The event is a big deal, it raises money for an environmental education program that teaches kids about art and up-cycling materials. I am trying to "break into the art community" in this nearby town and attending these things and being in them is really important for my job. Even if it was 4000 degrees outside there was schmoozing that needed to be done.

The event was sponsored by many big companies one of which was a tequila company and so in the heat they were passing out crazy amounts of tequila cocktails and food.

They had an order to how they let people in: the people that paid extra to get into the venue first; to buy the "first picks", then they would let the artists in, and then the general entry tickets...but in the meantime....we lined up like cattle, drunk well snack food fed cattle, but sweaty creatives none the less...

please stand in the sun with a cocktail

We made it inside, and the art looked great, and I love those art collectors that spent extra to get in first and buy up a bunch of art...then the general public came in after us and the work started flying off the wall....well, most of it

My work was still unsold at the time of this image...along with others...but only slightly defeated I left an hour before the close of the event, I figured a nice dinner with my girlie was far more important then the watched pot/art piece...hopefully it sold by nights end....I'll get an email soonish telling me if and who bought the piece. Mind you, I get none of the funds from this event, so the fact that I want it sold so badly is merely that I have an ego that is fragile and wants to not be the fool that they took a chance on including in this event and didn't sell her work.

Vanity oh sweet vanity I know you...

We stayed out late, ate a great deal of food, and even packed dessert on top of it and shared

"my momma is so crazy" stories to help each other deal with the level of mortality we are being flung into. I got many text messages and missed a few calls from The Barren, who was giving me updates to his level of intoxication and indigestion.

I made it home, and fell into bed, waking up to find a good portion of my mascara on my upper cheeks and the remaining hairspray creating a whole new hairstyle....but happy, and not snotty.

Strange and Snotty days

I am currently home with a head full of snot so I have time to think....

and ramble.

I changed all my passwords and in the effort to make really good new ones, yet for some reason I can not memorize them, so that is why I have been MIA from here.

I have been thinking almost non-stop about blog ideas and have been writing them down on little pieces of paper so I can blog once I get home, then in the process of getting home, I misplace those pieces of paper. I am sure I will find the lair in which I placed them all one of these days and then go YEAH that is where I put them.

Regardless, I have been in a moving meditation for the last couple of weeks.

 I think out of pure protection from being emotionally overwhelmed and have found it to be good, and enlightening. I have revisited many remembered concepts and beliefs within myself and what I have hoped for my life. Some are practiced daily, others I am still working on.

I had a whirlwind adventure with The Barren, and spent 7hours in San Francisco while he was at a client  meeting.

Snack under a ginkgo tree at the museum

Cy Twombly

I saw an art exhibit I wanted to see and it reconnected with why I love being an artist and why it is so sosososososo isolating at times. I also conquered a fear and by doing so was able to visit my oldest friend. A sweet reward and reminder that I can do whatever I put my mind to...except grow babies and pee standing up in order to hit a fence. (I have tried both)

Last week while working (staring at a wall in an effort to push out a fantastic idea for the next piece of art), I had the background sounds of ambulances, and helicopters non stop for about an hour...even after a few tests with neighbors the answer was never revealed, but the strangeness continued.

I went to get some eats at a local market for dinner and kept hearing along with normal market noises a clomp clomp clomp sound followed by children's voice...then the loop again and a mom giving directions to the soups...then the clomp sounds again.

As I was checking out I saw what it was....

yep, little girls in 4.5inch heels, these heels I had tried them on myself.

What I found most strange is the level of OK people were with 8yr olds in stilettos. The girls often had to stop walking because they were so uncomfortable in the shoes and when they stopped they struck runway model poses...hands on hips, flipping hair. People passing smiled and giggled.

I fumed, I am not one to rain on a parade...I love a good crazy parade. This just seemed so wrong, the dress up can happen in a less public space, in a safer place. Mind you, mom was there and talking about how she was a model when she was younger (much to their surprise) but it was so public and so obvious that these little girls were skirting the edge of girl and woman....ugh I just wept inside knowing that they, much like other little girls, are growing up too too fast.

The weekend had me finally working on some new work and as I settled in I heard some squeals from outside the window...I looked and saw this. A neighbor had been ocean fishing and caught a really big fish. He plopped it down and was talking to his daughter and the neighbor girls about it.

The fish was embarrassed, I am sure

parent returning to nest with dinner

**In another personal triumph**

I have successfully hidden the swallow nest this year from the property management people!! In years past they have knocked the nests down just as they were about to lay eggs.I would spend days weeping from pure empathy...this year I washed all evidence away below the nest and only took photos at night, the reward was being able to watch and hear baby birds outside my studio window.

Success!

I know this has been rambly, and really nothing earth shattering...but I mostly wanted to let you all know I am here, I am OK and I am set to thrive!

Quiet on my mind

I recently spent some time in the woods with friends.

After I got past the "I better be on my best behavior, and not act like a dork" phase I realized I was among "safe people"

I traveled into the woods to stay at a friends home for a night, walk in the trees, look at amazing vistas and take photos like a crazy tourist.

In fact every time I looked over at my companions they also had the camera smashed up against their faces. Our respective loved ones, were gathered in a semi circle, unfazed by our photographic assault of the scenery and all just understood that is how we process life around us. Record it...

Our single overnight and full day felt like it lasted for two or three...there were long moments of quiet and the acceptance of that quiet was unique and fulfilling beyond words.

I ate pie, I awoke to watch animals feed in the early morning in the trees and I spent time thinking and laughing.

I need more of those days...many many more

I was holding my breathe to take this, 18 seconds was my max at 7000 ft

Dedicated to someone I love

image via flickr

 

A friend from my childhood, heck one of my only friends in that point in my life is having her breasts removed tomorrow. The doctors found multiple lumps in both breasts that were not there last year.

I am not sure I am really processing it all, or maybe I am processing too much of it...manifesting it as my own body.

Regardless it is something I seem to be having tick away in my mind these last couple of weeks.

I purchased a bracelet with her name on it, and have been wearing it everyday since it's arrival, to remind me to meditate on her and her goals from this surgery.

She is a woman who has up to now, been just like her mother; in flaunting her breasts, talking about them and laughing at them. She takes great pride in them and rightly so, they are beautiful.

Is it strange for a friend to admire another friends pride in her breasts? 

It in many ways, has made me reflect on my blessings in this time.

I think that is a really sucky part of finding out that someone is so horribly sick, about to die, or hurting; human nature makes you think about yourself and how you are not that person.

It is a twisted way to see things and reflect. 

Like when you pass a fender bender on the road, my first thoughts are " phew, glad that is not me...note to self, pay closer attention around that curve"

I am sitting here thinking I am glad I am not losing my breasts, I am thankful I have asked for mammograms since I was 34. I am thankful that of the amount of stuff I grow in this crazy body of mine; none seems set on killing me.

I am also thankful that I have her to still call, and send cards to. I am thankful that she gave me my first diary and told me to write in it everyday.

I am in awe of the courage and grace she is facing this terrifying monster who has suddenly taken a spot in her body so close to her huge and wonderful heart.

I wrote her a letter today:

Dear wonderful friend,
I know that tomorrow is a big day and I wanted to let you know that I am with you,
I have been meditating on you and your goals...I adore you and know that you have strength beyond your knowledge.
Which you demonstrate daily.
Also know that people around you want to express their love and support for you and the boys in many ways...allow them.
This is how we all learn to accept love and deeper levels of respect.
Your boys will be stronger men when taught that giving love and compassion makes them real men.
Allow them to help and be whatever you need. Allow your body to heal and let others help you with that.
I love you beyond words and carry you in my heart daily.
xoxox
Please accept my words as ones of love and care, in a time when I feel useless.
xo

Meanwhile...it is a grab-bag

I am feeling better.

My friend and I had a super intense moment at the reception following the funeral.

I simply sat next to her, silent but calm and interacting with her daughters.

She looked at me and out of no where said "  am sorry I pushed you away"

I was floored...I said "it is fine, we all need friends in different ways"

She looked at me like I was crazy.

I told her "I sometimes can only deal with things when I have an arms length of space between myself and others and other times I need someone very close to me"

She said that she:

" freaked out when the friendship wasn't doing what she thought friendships should do",

I just hugged her and said " I am sorry for everything and nothing, none of it and all of it."

It seemed to vaporize the cloud that was smashing between us for so long.

I am sure this will be a work in progress for many years...

The Barren suggested I tell her how I really feel, I told him that a reception post funeral didn't seem like the right time.

He agreed, but urged me to not wait too long.

***

I had a rough week at work, and with my mind and the evil things it is capable of.

Thank you Barreness

 but now I am sitting in the studio ready to get some real work started, done and brainstormed.

I spent last night with two girl friends, they are both artists and the nights focus was gallery shows.

It was so refreshing and invigorating to spend the night out with no drama, no preconceived notions, just art, dinner and chatting.

It was fantastic and when it was over I topped it off with a solo walk in the summer night's air back to my car. The air was warm and smooth, the sun had set but it wasn't dark yet...

I felt alive and free and awake!

***

Here is the grab bag part...

Oh and after some serious peer pressure I opened the 50shades book...

stop reading now if you liked the book or don't want to hear my soapbox moment about sexual freedom and liberty.

****

OK in all truth, I opened it much like a book at a bookstore, flipped to a random page towards the front and and started reading. I figured there wasn't a lot of character development...after reading for about an hour in bed alone The Barren came in to check on me.

He started laughing, saying I didn't look too happy.

"what do you think of it so far?"

I looked up and said, well my first impression was that he was a REALLY bad lover.

He told me to give it some more time.

At that, I handed him the book and he started to read and then roll his eyes and then laugh.

We both laughed a lot reading the book.

He agreed, the writing was bad, the story was silly but, we were both thankful for the nighttime laughs. Sadly, this was not meant to be a comedic book.

The amount of "oh crap" and "see how wet you are" made me cringe and I was bored out of my head from the email exchanges.

Now I know both my SIL and other women LOVE this series, and I think that is great for them but really wonder why?

I know we are still struggling as a gender to find ourselves, to act on our sexual impulses and be OK with wanting and needing sex.

I guess the fervor this book has caused with women maybe just highlighted for me that a majority of women are still not asking for what they really want or need sexually.

I guess I am a lucky girl, for my lover just wants me to be sexually over the moon, and he is willing to do anything to make that happen.

Demand that from your lovers ladies!

Then you can write a really hot novel and we can all be smiling from our one handed reads.

***

(stepping off the soapbox)

Some other women I know have said they refused to read it because of all the hype.

I told them I would report back.

Here I am reporting:

It is silly, the guy is creepy and self centered. The female lead is self deprecating to a level of annoying at the beginning and then just boring after that.

The sex is mild, and if you haven't had some saucy/kinky sex by now, get cracking, because this is not saucy/kinky sex....you can think of far more interesting sex...trust me, I know you are creative women!

In the end, I thought it was beyond boring and disappointing.

by hey, we all beat off to a different drummer.

Ugh

image via: world-humor.blogspot.com

I mostly feel like this

except my beverage would be a cuppa tea

or a hard drink depending on the mood swing.

I don't like to think that I have fallen into the group of gals that has PMS,
but as time has marched on it appears that I do have a hormonal swing or two

*ugh*

I find it so dismmissive that you can blame actions on hormones; I still refuse to accept that
So the other morning, I said I was sorry to The Barren.
It feels horrible, I don't want to be the crazed lady I feel like.
I try and keep things in check and run it through the seive in my brain before letting it out of my mouth and into the ether, never to be recovered.

I think I need to write some more love letters...
I feel pretty blue and lonely and I need to remind myself of who I love and why.

Skirting the Edge

This is a sound-off/bitch/whine ...I am trying to figure shit out I guess...
(my spell check isn't working, so excuse any errors please)

I am dizzy, dizzy from fear, and sadness and confusion and pain.

It is like my whole body has been bombarded for months with function, function function.

I am working hard on being stable and even.

I think I am feeling the snap of a relationship shifting to different paths, a bond change and my mind settle into knowledge.

I have been a friend to a woman who has become more and more difficult to talk to, she has become more and more caustic. She doesn't understand the way I communicate or my sense of humor...I am extremely aware of how and what I say around her. It is almost like I now need to prepare for a simple dinner or short conversation. She requires so much now that I am exhausted from trying. She snaps at me and often times I feel attacked for having opinions different then hers. Many years ago she told me the one thing she admired about me was that I seemed to not judge her. I was quite proud of that...now I feel ONLY judged by her. Her body language changes around me, visibly. I am not sure what can be repaired or if it should be. I have spent a lot of time changing how I say things, how I repsond to things, and what I share with her. If anything now...

When I was finding out about my infertility she was there to listen as I shook and tried to describe what was being discovered about my body. She seemed overwhelmed and after a period of time, frustrated that she could not offer fixes for problems. I began to fall into my depression and after a while stopped accepting invitations to things with her, and her babies and friends that were pregnant. I became reclusive and started therapy for greif....she found other friends and was active with her life...I admired that and wanted to be that too. When I was finally working on my show, she was excited as I was moving and doing things again...she would invite me out and I wanted to go...oh I wanted to so badly, but I wasn't socially ready. So I would express interest but not go out. Then on the night after the show opened we had dinner, and in my glow I said thank you for coming to the opening and dinner to celebrate it and it was then that it started...she said why did you not ask for help? I looked at her trying to not cry and said " I didn't know how to"

She was by this time a mother of two healthy daughters, I had had a miscarriage by then and was about to have another two in the coming year. As time rolled on, she became much more uptight with me...she was far down on the list when I finally told her that I had another miscarriage, in fact I remember telling her and as I was expressing what had happened I was also telling myself: don't end this conversation on a sad note...she doesn't like that I am pessimistic. If I remember correctly I think she said, "well if you can think of it, at least I know you can get pregnant and I was a mom if even for a short time" I just smiled my mask smile and said

 " I don't think I can emotionally do this anymore"

she fell kind of silent.

More time has past and in this last weekend, we sat next to each other at a wedding reception and we barely spoke a word. I tried to talk to her, asking about benign topics,  I got a sidelook and a word or two repsonse. I told her I had been given a book that she was crazy about (but I had expressed not much interest in) and that I was thinking of taking a look at and she looked at me and reared back and started this crazy laugh and said  "see I tell you you'll like and you say no and then someone else tells you read this and you say ok, whatever! " I was shocked...I told her "well in my defence, it has been sitting on the table for a week, I still haven't opened it, so maybe I am still rebelling against it" she rolled her eyes and turned towards the music... and then
 I asked about another friend of hers, she snapped again.

" How's Janice? Do they have plans to go to South America this summer?"

She looked at me like I was trying to sell her rotten fish and said, "they go in the fall, why?"

and within that same breathe and with venom she asked about two other women friends of mine
"How's Molly and Sally? See them lately"  I was confused and overwhelmed. I was simply trying to make friendly talk about nothing in general and I struck some sort of cord....

*sigh* I drank a Mai Tai in silence with a smile on my face and then trying not to make it obvious, I looked at The Barren and he said we were going back to the hotel.
The following day her brother in law died.
I have seen her once since then and when I did I hugged her and and said nothing. I have been frightened to call and hear her voice so I have sent a couple text messages asking if they needed anything or if I could pick up something at the market for them.
***

At the same time I am trying to make new friends...any friends at this point and it is an uphill struggle now. As we age and sit in certain circles we don't meet a lot of new people...so as easy as it might have been as a kid to meet and friend new people it is not the same as an adult.
I have been trying though...doing things and asking to meet people when the moment arises.
I was invited to join a couple gals the other night for yoga in one of their homes, a non-gym thing and I said I would love to.
They told me the day they normally do it on.
I got no further conversations or updates...I felt left out...I had been thinking about it all day and when the day came I wasn't invited, or so I thought...it appears that it didn't happen at all.
I am actually feeling jealous of witnessing friendships.
Maybe I have forgotten how to make friends?!

SO last night I sat down and wrote a love note to two of the people I have known a long time.
I felt that the world was spinning in the wrong direction and I needed to put some additional energy out that would hopefully swing that pendulum the other way.
Back to rainbows and glitter.
or at least me not wanting to cry or puke from heartbreak all the time