My apparent Achilles heel

Friday morning is a wild one.

My teacher on Friday is a guy who really loves 80's music.

He makes his own mixes and is a former gym rat so there is often some random cardio thing thrown into the normal rotation of salutations and poses.

Most mornings I giggle to myself remembering where I was or what life was like when I hear the songs. Mostly Jr High and High school...torment!!

The songs are often heavy on emotion and fluffy, ya know a good 80's John Hughes film kind of thing.

Last week he threw in a vintage Michael Jackson song:

http://youtu.be/yURRmWtbTbo?list=PL6F87DB8C3DF6BC47

I was amused and glad to hear an old school MJ song that I remember from childhood. 

I smiled during the flow and nodded my head, tapped my hands.

This morning though, this morning was different.

I got to class early, had a little small talk with the teacher about this cool article I saw, and sat in the room before class to warm up with the room.

I was breathing and thinking about how sleepy I still was, but was here to do my best.

I don't have to be good at it, I just have to do.

The class filled up, each of us in our places and we started the warm up...the music started and I felt a twitch. Then I started to smile...and I lost count of my breath.

What was happening?!

Over the speaker system was this song and then the dance mix of this song followed

Before I could do anything, she burst forth....

he had found my apparent Achilles heel and my inner 13 year old self could not contain her joy and glee and as I pressed into my down-dog she began to sing along with the music!!

She knew all the words and dance moves.

How embarrassing, she was totally embarrassing me....

I could see her dancing around the room to the song and singing to herself in her bedroom mirror.

I checked my reflection and although I was only mouthing the words 

 my inner teenager was making a scene ....

finally I just let her play 

Why was I trying to stop her?

I watched her set free her joy and it was amazing

Just because

Just because

source

Wild Heart

a kind of free thought post...

So The Barren is working elsewhere this week and I am home and left to my own devices.

I mention this because it accentuates the amount of time I spend alone.

My artwork naturally requires I work alone and often for hours on end...

I find myself talking to the cats and myself and then when I need to run an errand, 

I am HYPER social, 

to the point of me hearing my own voice and thinking:

 Who is that lady? She sounds like a cheerleader, all excited about a head a lettuce...

So I am almost always eager to stop working when The Barren arrives home and socialize with someone I adore and can answer me back .

This last weekend two of my girlfriends hubby's were out of town on a "boys weekend" and when The Barren heard this he said I am taking you all out.

At first, I was a little jealous, I mean he is mine! but then I thought about how they might feel that same kind of alone I feel during the week so I agreed.

It was a nice no pressure kind of night, the ladies were totally touched 

and we had a few drinks and some food.

When we went to pick up the first one, 

she said she was ravenous and then looked at me and said:

" I'm pregnant"

I was struck by how ballsy she said it, but then she expressed how she was kind of scared to tell me

and decided that she should just do it like a band-aid, and blurt it out.

The Barren was in a nearby room within earshot and said..."did I hear that right?"

I thanked her for telling us and that she did perfect.

The rest of the night had baby tentacles in the conversations of

 " my baby, and my body and when the baby comes"

She is 10.5 weeks and was bursting to tell people...so she told her closest.

I was touched and only lost myself in thought once...

when The Barren said: what was the name we had?

I shot him a look and he instantly realized he had walked on sacred ground.

I guess there will always be things I will not give up.

The rest of the night every time she mentioned baby things, I was thinking, thank goodness 

I am looking forward to watching them be parents...it will be awesome!

We quietly checked in with each other all night: you alright? need a break?

While sitting at a pre-party to our group date out, 

she mentioned that she blurted out her pregnancy to other female friends that are trying, and they were supportive...but I thought about them and their struggles up to now to become parents.

it was a wild heart kind of valentines.

Twists and turns and loop d loops

After we dropped off the ladies at a modest 9pm, we went home and got into PJ's and snuggled down.

I fell asleep first...very romantic.

 This week I am going to business meetings, practice and ideally get some office work too.

It is quiet now and leads my overwhelmed mind on divergent trails of thought...but I want to have a productive week, and not feel as though I am simply passing days until The Barren arrives home.

I spent a lot of time alone in my 20's traveling, and on one trip far far from home, when The Barren and I were dating, I sat down in this beautiful place, alone with a journal/sketchbook and thought

"it would be really nice to turn to someone and say isn't that beautiful?!"

I think that is when I knew I was ready to be with The Barren, 

because I wanted that someone to be him.

The amazing card I got on hearts day said the same to me.

My heart is full with love for that amazing man.

Thankful Thursday-Personal Goals

OK I am first to admit my personal goals are sometimes small and seem REALLY silly,

BUT

Today I met a personal goal.

I am in the middle of my period week, 

usually a day I am laid up and under the influence of a pain pill and bad television. 

Instead this morning, I got up and went to yoga.

It turned out that we had a substitute and it was a really challenging class, and I made it through.

I was in no pain, panting yes, but I didn't bleed out of my clothes and in fact I feel pretty darn alright!

I was even able to do a real version of this pose....

it has taken about a year and a half...and I might have been a little closer to the floor.....

but

my string bean arms are learning that I mean business and I want to be able to do a real push up. 

HELL YEAH!!

yoga love

I know that it looks like no big deal, but I am someone who has NEVER been able to do a push-up or pull-up so this turns out to be a BIG deal for me.

I am also happy to report that The Barren is still at it...

he is in his second week of running and I am so so so proud of him! 

I am reclaiming my body, I am dropping the protective layers I had built for so many years!

I am fine, I am whole...and getting stronger everyday.

Even when I feel unstable or unsure, I am growing stronger and more sure.

My feet are firmly planted on the ground.

10 years ago today, our goddaughter was born, and I attended the birth.

Watching her take her first breath, 

while trying to breath between my own mind-numbing menstrual pain.

three days later I was in the ER with a 10mm corpus luteum and a doctor asking us if we were done making babies. Our goddaughter had always been a marker of the start of the downfall.

 Last night we gave her a gift and listened to her tell us her birthday plans.

I was not remembering the pain or the sorrow...

I was lost in her joy.

We are slowing looking at other versions of ourselves. 

We are trying new things with our bodies and re-thinking our self-imposed restrictions.

This weekend is the anniversary of the day we asked each other to marry each other.

I am so thankful that my vision was so clear to ask The Barren to marry me.

I am so thankful that we are taking this journey together.

I am so thankful that we are each others cheerleaders.

I am so thankful

What the funking groovin ?!

I am not sure what is happening, but something clearly is....

I went on a run with The Barren this morning.

I am not a runner, I do not like running and I never have. 

In fact, my mother use to write notes under my direction everyday to the PE teacher blaming everything from cramps and growing pains to my favorite " I was not designed to run"

I use to walk the mile every time it was was required...always coming in last proudly.

When we lived in a hot climate, I told the teacher I would get heat stroke if I exerted myself any further than walking.

But this morning, as an act of encouragement I did the first day of a "couch to 5k" routine 

Mind you, I only signed up for a week, to jump start his new routine, because when I started my practice I had a friend with me too.

In the wake of this adventure this morning, I am feeling quite..... well, proud.

The program has you gently moving from 60 seconds of running and 

90 seconds of walking to a 5k run after about 9 weeks.

The Barren wanted to try this out and I want to support him...so I guess I will be running when I am not doing yoga.

It is a win win.

Our adventure this last weekend was filled with adventure

We ventured into the BIG CITY once again as The Barren heard that these

women were going to be in attendance at a big BOOK FAIR!!

I have been a HUGE fan and disciple since I was in high school.

In fact I have this xeroxed poster on my wall still, complete with pin holes from years of wall displays.

I got m fangirl photo and was on cloud nine for quite a while!

The fair was a bibliophiles wet dream, 250 displays from independent presses, big printers and everything in between!

We both bought a bunch of stuff....and scored some great things!

There was, much to both our surprise, a lot of pornography.

Like everywhere and in all sorts of different forms. 

We had a lively discussion about how would we navigate a small person through this show? It lead to me asking several of our friends this same question...

How would you deal with a 60foot wall of film stills from a porn movies? or If you saw a poster of an erect penis with condom on it how would you react with little person? Or Hey there was a picture book on display from a gay publisher on leather bondage and play...would you allow the little to see it? Or how would you navigate it?

Some of my favorites:

A tiny book on the many ways of the Potato!

Adorable sweet little book

You can get your own here

I stopped at a booth that had vintage mugshot cards from 1910 or so, and was drooling over them, but we both agreed that $150.00 each was a bit spendy. So I took a photo instead:

There were also vintage first edition art books and photo book publishers

Ephemera from the late 70's/80's punk rock scene...complete with jackets covered in band patches.

Kill your idols/Ginko press booth
note the wall of punk singers!

I also stopped into this bus, as I dream of having an art bus like this.

In it I made a purchase of this Poster:

Poster by Peter Nevins

All in all it was a visual overload day, amazing and fun and I met an oscar nominated person face to face by acting like a dork.

We also saw this person and this person at breakfast.

Lunch had more people watching and then our drive home was quiet.

We were spent. Nap anyone?!

 dinner was Indian take-out and we both fell into a coma like slumber.

Now, now we are adventure people, we are free movers and deep thinkers

I am inspired and have already thought about publishing

 my Infertility show in book form this year, as it will be it's fifth anniversary!

That is inspiring!!

That is hopeful

That is growth!

Fun Time-Dork Time

OK I had a super fun time and I have tons to say about it but I had to tell you how I was a dork first:

I was talking to a vendor at the Book event and was trying to get a business card....

but there were lots of people crowding the area around the cards...so I said:

"I am sorry but I can't get a card because all the cool kids are here"

he went to get a card and a woman said:

Oh I'm sorry and motioned to move her daughter....

when I looked up I was eye to eye with THIS BLONDE PERSON

I looked at her and said " oh it's OK, I've got a card now"

thanks

I walked away as cool as I could and barely made it to The Barren with out a smile on my face.

because you see I was trying to be the cool kid

failed

but giggled