Wednesday, July 29, 2015

wordless Wednesday

I've got loads to say....
but for now, here is a pretty boy and a yoga mat

Monday, July 20, 2015

Little gifts

I was getting my weekly hoard of avocados and stone fruit from farmers market on Saturday.
A quiet moving meditation for me.
It was hot already at 8am, and there was no wind.
so it was kind of muggy too.
I had heard on the news earlier, that the drought is so bad, that we would need significant rain for three years strait to restore the levels back to normal.

I go to the market to get the few gems that our CSA box doesn't provide.
The guy I get my stone fruit from reminds me of 
He is really nice and sweet and sells KILLER fruit.
Almost every week there is a different variety of pluot, nectarine or plum to choose from.
I had paid the man for the fruit, and thanked him 
Turned to see a succulent vendor and stood in front of the rows of
pretty little plants all on display for sale.
The market was a buzz all around me...a low murmur of chatter and movement swirling 
on all sides of me....
I was just standing in silence deciding if I was going to get a plant to add to the ones at home, 
or pick up three more avocados.
I decided on two little plants and the man placed them into a little cardboard box, with some free potting soil and information paper on what they were and how to take care of them.
..and was handing me back my change

Just then, a drop
then another, then a crack and the sky split open and poured a waterfall of 
water downward.
People scrambled under vendor tents...
the succulent man was flustered that all his plant information paper was getting wet.
"my wife said, you don't need a tent, it will never rain"
I just stood there, looking up at the sky and smiling, laughing and saying out loud
What a wonderful thing this is

I must have looked mad
A silly smile across m face, drenched in cool raindrops
my shirt and skirt darkened from the new water.
My sandals filled with water and as I slowly walked away it was as though I had my own portable puddle to splash in.

People were huddled under the popup tents and the lady I get my dates from asked if I needed shelter from the rain...I looked at her, water running down my forehead and said
No thanks, it is just water, and it is wonderful to be in it

What a gift rain is

Friday, July 10, 2015

Keep on Trucking

So my last few posts have been heavy and loaded with life crap
I am still in shock but, I finally got some good news

I submitted a portfolio of work that I had hoped :
" demonstrated a professional level of proficiency in the medium"
" Work that showed a consistent, well developed artistic vision"

I had waited years to submit to this group, 
they hold very high standards and quite frankly, 
I was intimidated to try until just now.
They are the oldest guild (of their kind) in the US, started in 1912

I had a "what the fuck" moment and submitted.
This year they also allowed online submissions and 
it saved me having to drive several hundred miles to submit my work.
Needless to say I was counting the days as the month grew longer 
and when the email finally arrived I was scared 
but, the first words were kind so I read further 
and it was a congratulations letter!

I told The Barren who in turn wanted to get wasted and hang from the ceiling....
but I was in shock so I told him I only needed a hug.
He was deflated...but gave me a hug.
I am still in disbelief.
I think after all these months of "No Thank Yous"
I am in disbelief that I possessed the ability to make something worthwhile

I finally let The Barren cheer for me and I had a little moment of cheering myself...
I did it.

I also made it through the annual 50,000 mile service update with the doctor.
It was low on drama and I was frank and forthright, and had a list.

I told her quite openly that my relationship with food had dramatically changed, 
and that most meals involve guilt and fear.
I told her that I think about everything I eat on a scale of  
" would the doctor think this was a right choice"
(How twisted is that! I know it is, but it doesn't stop me from thinking it still)
She looked concerned and after asking some basic do you smoke, how much do you drink, are you exercising questions, she tried to assure me that I am doing good, 
that I am in the right BMI (a number I do not believe in) 
and that I should keep on trucking

She also diagnosed me with Costochondritis
I have had this for almost a year and aside from feeling like " is this a heart attack?"
and some reassurances from women weightlifters
I was glad to hear that I wasn't in fact imagining it 
and I am NOT having heart attacks.

I had fasted for the appointment and by the time I left, I had to give blood too...
that was an hour of waiting and I was famished when I left...
there was a new vegan cafe I had yet to try 
so I was the first one in the door when they opened at 11am
(I had been up drinking water since 6am to plump up my veins so the vampire wouldn't miss)
 I had their "most popular" sandwich:
a vegan Ruben...after ordering it I wondered if I had made a good choice
mayo-ish stuff, cheeze-ish stuff, sauerkraut
first thing in my tummy for the day...
it looked like this:

watch out tummy here comes what I deem as breakfast

then it looked like this:
after I licked the plate
I wandered home, and did this:

It was a highly productive day

Saturday, July 04, 2015

Side Swiped

So it appears to be baby shower least that is what it feels like.
When I got word of the first one, 
I put on my big girl pants, superhero cape and lasso of power 
and quickly said: 
" I can't go"
It felt powerful and right!
I was quite proud of myself.
What was ever cooler was that my SIL 
(who was throwing the party for her sister)
looked at me and said, OK 
and left it at that.
I was super happy that there was no drama
I made time one day and made the baby shower gifts, 
and packed them up way ahead of the event and laid that to rest.

The second shower invite is coming soon, 
I am not going to that one either.
The baby gifts are made and packed away too.

I have told The Barren so that he is well aware that I will be somewhere else,
doing something else.
Hopefully the mother to be will be distracted by her dozens of guests and not 
fixate on me not attending
(like I am that important)

The two mothers to be are very different, 
one got pregnant quickly and with no assistance
the other one, My SIL's sister, spent years trying and 
eventually got pregnant and was on bed rest the whole pregnancy.
When my SIL told me she was pregnant I was so happy fro her, when she said her sister was suffering from morning sickness I said that is great...I was happy for her, she was finally pregnant!

Her shower was to be tomorrow, she was driving my SIL crazy with her vision
of how everything should be. 

(on a side-note, I spoke with my mother and said that I TOTALLY understood this side of the coin. She has sacrificed her body, her finances, her relationship... everything to become a mother
...and now that she is one, she wants everything to be as she imagined it to be. It is her vision of the dream...she is wanting to be the pretty princess from the fairy tale, the happily ever after)

BUT... her water broke today and she is currently in labor.
Shower canceled.

I am finding that thinking about her becoming a mother has side swiped me with a lot of emotions
I thought I was past...or OK with but,
I was crying earlier...hearing in my head
That was suppose to be you
You will never be that woman in labor
you failed

I know that these are The Barreness creeping in with her spells and intoxicating words
I know that some of those things might be true,
I did not fail
The idea of this woman becoming a mother is bittersweet.
In my sorrow I texted her other sister, 
who is also infertile from secondary infertility
Just telling her that I was thinking of her, 
as I am sure today is a mixed bag of emotions for her as well
She thanked me for understanding the pain and emotion of the day.

The other mother to be is a rockstar, still doing crossfit at 7+month pregnant
feeling great and happy and dealing with everything like well, it is no big deal
She makes it look so easy
aside from her mentioning in conversations that well " because I am pregnant..."
I can even hang out with her and not want to punch myself in the face.
but it might be harder

I know it will pass
and that a good sweat in class will clear this all out of my pores,
but today, today I just want to be 
free enough to feel my independence from these feelings again