Ghosts of days past

So I go thru this weird thing before traveling for any length of time...

I am really quite a worry-er by my nature and coupled with my incredible ability to catastrophize anything into the worst case scenario, it allows me to be in a constant state of

"get my affairs in order" mode.

Today it manifested in my cleaning out the cupboard under my sink.

How this helps me "get my affairs in order" is not for me to understand, I am simply following that innate urge to clean up messes so that in case I die on this trip, no one will find out just how much of a slob I really was.

Brilliant huh?!

I found all sorts of things I had been looking for...

I go thru moods of wanting to learn how to properly put on makeup, style my hair or moisturize my skin regularly. In the wake of these moods I am left with a lot of "product", evidenced today with a bag of giveaway to my niece who can play dress up and can put on fancy lotions or something...

Past all the sparkle and play I found...

What I wasn't expecting, little boxes shoved into the back corner of the cupboard.

Empty but still present.

I found five, FIVE, empty pregnancy test boxes.

All empty, all with just the instruction booklets in them, but stacked carefully in the far back corner of the space.

I sat there looking at them next to the empty tampon boxes, wondering why I kept empty boxes...why didn't I just toss them into the recycle bin with the other empty boxes?

I guess, I simply wasn't ready to.

I peed on a lot of sticks in these last 8ish years, far more then the 5 boxes that I unearthed today.

Then with just as much anxiety, and heart pounding as I had experienced buying them, I broke them down and put them into the recycle bin, brochures and all.

after that I found a reason to leave the house; I couldn't bear to hear The Barreness's cackling laughter and blinding smile

Closer I am to fine....

My current work schedule has me away from the studio and working my other job.

It happens every year about this time. 

I am simply needed far more at my other job and I don't mind.

Except this year I prepared for it.

Artistically speaking 

It meant I worked like crazy for three months and submitted work to as many places as I could.

I was writing checks like a drunk sailor

...well if sailors carried checkbooks and wrote checks is still to be debated...

but I went crazy!

I submitted to more places and events then I ever have, 

and kept saying yes to everything that passed close enough to me to grab a chance at.

The result is AMAZING!!!

I have gotten my work into many more places, and in fact my call to the universe was heard (thank goodness) and I got into a show that had over 200 submissions and only 37 accepted artists. The piece I got into this exhibition is a piece from my infertility project !

In fact when the email arrived, I saw the subject line on my phone and refused to read the email until I was behind an actual computer....this of course made hubby laugh at my "rituals" and waited for me to read the actual email on the screen. The result was me laughing hysterically for close to 15minutes at my met goal.
He in turn was crying from pure joy of witnessing me meet this goal and the result of meeting this goal is that we are traveling to see the opening reception.

It just happens to be in IRELAND

Holiday Cheer

picture from: photospapersfromthepast.blogspot.com

It is that time of year!

Waiting in long lines to buy groceries, snide comments from customer service people, rude people driving cars, temper tantrums, and holiday music looped in an endless cycle on speakers of shops.

I do love this time of year, but it also carries the daily reminders of a family not made.

So I was sitting watching my company-keeper(TV) last night. I was watching "how I met your mother" and one of the characters finds out she was not only not-pregnant (pregnancy scare, in a woman who says thru the series that she doesn't want kids) but that she CAN'T have kids. 

This information has her sliding into an abyss of reality of a life faced without children. 

Her doctor asks if she can talk to a friend about it, but she knows how they all will react. Currently her best friend is pregnant and would be an emotional mess and needing comfort instead of comforting. That friends hubby would shower her with questions and possible fixes. then the remaining friends would try and fix her sadness with comfort food or hi jinks. So instead, when pushed by them to find out what is wrong, she says she is too tall to be a pole vaulter. He friends of course, all break into her described reactions.

She is telling this story to what appears to be her future kids, but in the end, they are actually imaginary. 

She is left sitting on a bench in a park on Christmas crying at the fact that her choice has been taken from her. That although she never saw kids in her future, it was a choice she was making not one that was made for her.

She ends her monologue with although she was never a mother, she was:

a successful journalist, world traveler, business woman and aunt.

Telling the audience that she indeed was still a whole person even without being a mother.

It was a well played/written reality of our sisterhood.

I personally have been meandering around a lot of this everyday emotion. 

The Barreness is knocking at the door into me as of late; she is dead set to get in...she might even shimmy open a window if need be. I am trying to hold her back with wit and a sunny disposition. 

I don't know how long it will hold....

I have made a new friend and she is now pregnant, I am thrilled for her (deeply and truly) but now can barely contact her anymore. 

I have another friend who just picked up the ashes of her son, a man the same age as me, who lost his battle to addiction.

I have another friend who just had to have a hysterectomy because of the same issues I live with. 

I have another who has now gone into early menopause because her ovaries shut down and has lost her sex drive completely!

I watch my hubby struggle daily with witnessing others parent. He often looks at me when his eyes are welled up with tears. Like the mere sight of me will make the tears go away.

We met family last week, a trip that meant us driving 1300miles in
four days. It was a lot of driving and a little visiting. 

We did this last year too...we have promised each other that next year we are staying put. 

Because we are a family of two, we are often looked over, invited last, told we can drive farther, and expected to be overly flexible because we don't "have to deal with kids".... *sigh*

it hurts too much to ignore any longer.

There has been a lot of wonderful happening too...

but for today I needed to unload the heavy emotion I have been bathing in.

I am feeling very very mortal and it scares me.

wordless wednesday

snorgtees.com

We will talk soon

Reading in between the lines

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The kindness of strangers

A simple act can really make a difference:



Be kind to yourself and others

Today's Inspiration-Thankful Thursday

I hope the dark days are behind me for another year....I saw this today and it made me smile.

Thank you for all your warm heartfelt wishes, they were felt deeply in my darkness.

Wordless Wednesday

"Most people are afraid of suffering. But suffering is a kind of mud to help the lotus flower grow. There cannot be a lotus flower without the mud."

Thich Nhat Hanh

I know a lot of people know this phrase, but it seemed to resonate in me today

Today

I awoke in a bright mood, yesterday was another story...but today I feel less heavy in the heart.

At least for the moment

I have asked hubby to join me at the ocean tonight...for some reason it feels like the right place to be, to say hello to the lost little ones.

Yesterday I was overwhelmed with emotion, I am not really sure what was the trigger, or why it felt so much like balancing an overfilled cup of tea...ripples running across the surface, threatening to spill at any moment.

The most heartbreaking moment yesterday happened in plain sight, and touched a deep place in me.

I watched my nephew fight against fear yesterday, as he described to his father the contents of a box of Halloween decor that he said was "super scary". The threat of that box being opened again was terrifying to him and witnessing him work thru these new and uncomfortable moments had me struggling to keep the tears within my lids.

When he was born, we had been struggling for years and I had just been given the "you are not going to get pregnant, we suggest you have a hysterectomy" speech again.

In my mind, I was convinced that my little boy had simply been delivered to my brother instead of me.

I had not been clear in my call to the universe, it seemed.

As heartbreaking as it was/is , I am thankful that I get to watch him grow and be whomever he becomes.

Tonight we are together as we were two years ago, except that tonight, I will not be in shock from loss. I hope to be wrapped around hubby, feeling how warm and full our love still is despite all that life seems to throw or drag us thru.

The past repeats itself

Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion

-Buddha

I am not sure where to start, after recovering from this cold...I am left sad.

In fact today I actually said aloud " boy, it is heavy. I can feel it pushing into my chest"

The first of three, happened two years ago Friday.

I am trying to really process all these feelings.

Something has shifted again within me.

Like a knowledge, an understanding of sorts.

Like when you are faced with a complex puzzle, at first you are overwhelmed and everything becomes frantic and blurred and chaotic.

Then after staring at it for a while you realize that there is a solution, but it is a labored one.

It can be solved.

I feel like that these days. Like I have realized my boat sailed.

~

I am standing on the shore watching it fade into the horizon, sometimes waving a fancy scarf on tip-toes with a smile and a tear.
Other times, just staring dazed, as tears stream down my cheeks.

Knowing I will never be a passenger on that ship.

~

I am trying to be kind to myself, allow myself to be quiet...

allowing myself to cry, if there are tears...

scream if there is rage..

Mostly tho, I feel defensive, and short of breath

We are filling our home this weekend with friends and family.
I wanted to infuse some joy into the house.
Maybe I am secretly wanting to push all the sorrow out...
let it go let it pass into the next place.

We build an altar for Dia De Los Muertos; I have little things for the lost ones...they are represented on the altar...quietly

One of the things I struggle with daily, is the feeling of not feeling connected to the past, for I can not create a future generation.

My mother was sent recently, a piece of family genealogy and it lists my great great grandparents birth homes and children and dates...the normal stuff.

I had always known that my great great grandmother had 11 children and my great grandfather use to tease her if she " just had one more it would be an even dozen"

This offered many laughs thru the generations.

There is a note on her record that she did have 11 babies, but only 8 lived.

She lost 3 babies too.

It made me feel her so closely, it scared me.

Maybe I am feeling her too, maybe history does repeat itself,

and this is how I connect with them.

Sick and Tired

http://annetaintor.com/

I am fighting a cold...or a cootie, regardless I am not feeling like me these days.

Last week I spent a couple of hours painting faces at my niece's school fair. 

They needed help and when it was known that my niece had an Artist that was her aunt I was asked if I would participate.

I had no problem doing just that...

I felt strong and ready to be around lovely adorable children. 

It appeared to be important to my niece so it was then important for me.

I painted whiskers, and horses, skulls and flames and rainbows and yin/yangs...

it was a busy two hours and I painted around runways of snot and sneezing and wind...crazy crazy wind.

Then one of the mothers said " when are you leaving? " I told her I had signed up for two hours and she said " well, your time is up" so I stopped dead in my tracks, put down the brush and paint and walked away.

It was clear I was not wanted needed any longer.

I was quite proud of myself, 

I did the whole stint without feeling pain, or sorrow. 

It was fun to hear what these little people wanted to decorate their faces with....

what they fantasized about.

Two days after this, I went to take family pictures for a friend. 

She and I were trying to get pregnant at the same time 

(she was trying for a second child and I was still just trying)

She has an almost 2 year old and I am two years older. 

I was greeted with two more snotty kids, touching everything in sight

...I was being bombarded with boogers.

So it really should be no surprise that I got a SuPER cootie: 

sore throat, into stuffy head into fevers on and off for a couple of days.

Hubby has the starts of it now, and he was recounting who has the super cootie at his workplace

and became clear that we were doomed to get it.

I decided to not bitch about the ick I was feeling as I reflected on the fact I simply have to take care of me.

No one else requires my attentions, I don't have to drive anyone to school or make lunches or any of those motherly duties...

Instead I just had to get me out to the market to pick up makings for soup...

it was just me that had to make sure I took my fever reducer and cough drops...

it was just me that slept on the couch so hubby could sleep during my coughing fits and night sweats.

it was just me.

Words for Wednesday

I think I need to add this womans mantra to my mix

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children*.
*(this part does not dictate happiness) Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.
We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.
Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "

(The girl on the picture is French model Tara Lynn)

Friday's Inspiration

image via Artfire.com

In an effort to find good things to focus on I came across this article, 

a good reminder of simple acts for others.

One good act feeds another

Karma Yoga as it were:

Names on beams

His point of view

This article was sent to me via a male friend...it is interesting read, and beautifully written...

one note: it might make you cry...so fair warning.

Mechanical

it made me and hubby cry at least

Vacation all I ever wanted...

Firstly, thank you for your sweet and tender words of care.

Hubby mentioned that he wanted to do something this year to mark the loss.

So as the date gets closer, we are exploring meaningful acts that would work for us.

In the meantime...I have been buried in the studio and making art, and mailing submission after submission. The creative act is cathartic and essential for me but it has me thinking about a little break from everything!

It is not so easy, because of a little metal nut,(literally) that our cat ate earlier this year we have been "grounded" of sorts.

It was an expensive vet, ER, surgery and recovery thing that left us with little money.

I am very very thankful for the credit cards and the ability to take care of the cat, who is now happy and fat and playful. We are his people and it is our job to care for him after all.

*

I am sure many of you out there can relate, with cost from IF treatments

Summertime has past, and been a different one for us, well most of this year will be, so we are getting "creative" with our fun time.

We stay at home, watch movies via streaming every now and again...eat out on date night only (Friday's) and visit the bookstore, but don't buy anything. We have cut almost all extras out...My birthday was a potluck, Our anniversary will be a dinner at home most likely, Xmas will be handmade...

It is nice but doesn't stop our driving desire to get the HELL OUT OF DODGE

We are travelers, we are explorers...we are the people who take the long road home so we can find new things...but as much as I run numbers and theories thru my head, we don't have any money to do what we want to do most right now: travel.

****bitching about to begin ****

(you can skip down to my call out to the universe below)

We haven't had a break from all this "can't have a baby" stuff since it was started, 7 years ago!

Our honeymoon took two years of saving, and was our hope to make a baby, by relaxing and getting away (we went to eastern Europe in the winter)...but I was in so much pain, I was either asleep from vicodin or crying. (super romantic) and on return I was in the ER for an ovarian cyst that was about to explode.

SERIOUSLY when do we get a honeymoon ?!

A sweet relaxing, run on the beach (or assorted other lovely places) with the wind in our hair, laughing and smiling and eating lovely foods all while being naked and happy.

We had an extended weekend here and there, but we were either going to a funeral on the East coast, joining two families (5 kids) at a lake or driving for 10hours to meet family for 24hours then then driving back home to get to work. Those were our break aways.... 

***Bitching over***

Call out to the universe!!

I just want to put that out there universe, I think we need a break.

A good one too: not a "hey, here is a three day weekend" kind...or "we'll waive that $5 fee for you"

and my sisterhood needs one too!

All these ladies and gents have been pouring every ounce of love and hope out there and not catching a break. We are do-gooders and kind heart, we help others and clean up after ourselves, we hug strangers and offer kind words. We are the breathe of fresh air and why people are so glad to meet us, because " they are so nice"

Come on, there is a lot of crap out there right now, and a lot of crappy people are getting really big breaks...why not spread the good things to us:

 GOOD PEOPLE

KIND HEARTED SOULS

the ones that SMILE thru pain

LAUGH AT TRIALS AND CHALLENGES

STILL BELIEVE THERE IS GOOD IN THE WORLD

We have held up our deal...now you can do some work too!!

It is the Autumnal equinox..we are tucking the sun into bed, like a cocoon...

I hope this weekend will be the start of something better for us all!

hugs sisters

Wordless Wednesday

Things are heavy in my heart and mind, I am fighting some deep sorrow....

but I am fighting; so I am focusing on the good in that.

Here is my (inspiration) medicine for today:

Impending Anniversary

The anniversary of the first of my three miscarriages is coming up and has created a very raw feeling.

Mostly,  it feels like I am standing in the shower and the emotions are washing over me; some remain on my skin like droplets, others fall to the ground and wash away.

 I am still not sure how I am going to emotionally move thru the day.

 It has been two years, but it feels like it is about to happen again.

 Like my body needs to relive the fear and sorrow.

I am just not sure how I can do that.

On this day

*I didn't want to write about this, but after meditating on why it became obvious I needed to*

I don't watch television or listen to the radio on this day...I don't like to remember this day.

This day was a devastating day for too many people (understatement)

and I don't like to relive it or be reminded of it.

It is not that I do not acknowledge it, or honor it...it is simply too too painful still.

Five years ago in the early morning hours I was sitting on my Nana's bed, whispering into her ear, smiling with a brave face and taking deep breaths for her. She meanwhile was struggling to take her own air and was slowly slipping into her next journey...

I know she if fine, she told me so...but it still hurts.

10years ago I was working at a map company and my job RADICALLY changed from a simple customer service person, to a witness, a confidant, and a person of interest. I was thrown into the chaos of the day, all while trying to comprehend what was happening and terrified of the immediate hate that that would be set into motion. The simple interesting job that I had taken on a mere year beforehand was now all consuming in my dreams and thoughts.

This day set into motion several more years of nightmarish phone conversations

from strangers and officials.

I don't like to remember this day; not because I do not care, but because I care so so very much.

Cry me a river

Today we went to a bar mitzvah, I am pretty sure everyone knows what that is so I am not going to link it to a wiki explanation. It was for a son of a second or third cousin...regardless, someone we keep in contact with but are far from close to.

I have no idea what the teen is like to talk to, or what his favorite food is.

I simply know he is family and that it was important to acknowledge this passage into adulthood.

We got there a little early, found a seat and started to watch people arrive.

We are not religious people, so when in a house of worship, we take the time to look around

and take in all the treasures, this place looked like the inside of a ship...like we were inside an ark.

It was pretty cool and intimate; we didn't feel lost in a big building or

removed from where the service was being held.

When the ceremony started we followed along and sang the hymns we knew and followed the instructions of the rabbi. It was mellow and we didn't feel silly for not knowing the words or a prayer.

Once the Bar Mitzvah boy took the stage we all smiled and encouraged him along. He did wonderful, seemed calm and ready for his reading.

( he arrived with bright green headphones on, mouthing words to himself it was cute)

When he finally read his portion I started to feel weepy...I am not sure why, but I kept it together...trying to follow along. I mean why cry at a Bar Mitzvah?!

Who does that!

When his parents came up to present him with his personal prayer shawl, I began to cry, then his mom and dad spoke and offered words of love and advice and I couldn't keep it in any longer,

I let myself cry.

Hubby saw this and simply placed his hand on my leg and kept it there...letting me know I was not alone.

When the service was finished I went to the bathroom, and found other women there who were checking their mascara. They were expressing what a beautiful service it was and how they were crying at the mothers words to her son.

I stayed in the stall for as long as I could, allowing the others to clear out before checking my own makeup.

I found hubby outside and chatting with some other family, we shared some conversations with my godparents and the bar mitzvah boy's grandparents. It was at this moment I decided to not attend the reception. Hubby was fine with this, although it did seem to disappoint our family a little.

(I am a big pleaser, so this decision left me feeling quite guilty)

~

As we drove away in silence I was reflecting why I had decided to not go to the reception.

After some contemplation I realized I was doing some self care.

Not only for myself but also for Hubby.

We both were reflecting about how we will miss this milestone in our own child's life...we won't be in our cousins place, shuttling our child to and from Hebrew school, organizing a party or offering advice on being an adult.

Hubby said that he was putting himself into another place when his emotions started to swell

I on the other hand, simply let them flow.

I have never cried at a bar mitzvah before, I am not sure why this hit me so hard, but I am feeling quite fragile and libel to cry in any public place it seems.

Now hubby is checking/watching me like a hawk and asking every hour or so " you doing OK?"

I think as a way to not only keep tabs on me, but himself as well.

Alone at night

Recently my dreams have been highly ramped up....masses of details and information has been pouring into my dream eyes and mind. I am not sure what it all means but I often find myself frustrated at m=not being able to remember all the littlest details when I wake. I have begun to say my dreams out loud the moment I wake up as a way to anchor them of sorts. Writing them down, doesn't work for me as I am blind as a bat and getting my glasses on awakens me to a new level and things begin to fall off the edges and fade rapidly. So now with my eyes still closed, I am reciting my dreams to the air above my head.

This morning I told hubby of the one I had last night.

"I was checking in on an older neighbor that lived next door and she would not speak, but I knew she was not well. She would convey her wellness in states of color, in clothing.

The more color the sicker she was feeling.

When I went to check on her, she opened the door in a rainbow banded Mexican style dress with vivid white, yellow, orange red and green cascading down to her bare feet. 

but her face was a pale green she was waving her arms at me and leaning to the side.

I ran to her door and entered her home, we were then in a far back bedroom where I could tell she was going to collapse. 

I grabbed her shoulders and felt the heat of a fever from her skin. 

She was suddenly small, very frail and she motioned for her dog to come to her. It was a dog I had given her for company. She was then a child and patting its back like an infant would do.

We both sat there and I could feel the fur of the dog on my hand and see its floppy ears silhouetted in the light coming thru the windows..

 I could tell she(the neighbor) was struggling to breathe, and I looked into her eyes and said 

" Rae we love you so very much, you are so so loved"

and with that I woke up.

I felt a longing when I awoke, but not a sadness.