Remembering

photo: Henri Cartier-Bresson

 

Yesterday was the anniversary of my first of three miscarriages.

I carried this reminder with me all day.

I awoke in the dark and quiet and got dressed.

Cats trailing me like shadows.

I drove in the dark to yoga, and set my intention to be kind to myself.

I focused inward during my practice and felt open afterwards.

My heart wide open, and I could feel the morning air flow through my lungs.

My chest felt uplifted and vulnerable.

I showered and went to get juice.

Quietly stepping over a man sleeping in the early morning dawn on the cement.

(he was someone's baby many days ago, he was someone's little boy....)

 I got a juice for The Barren and caught him before he entered work.

He was already frustrated and huffy before seeing me, and me handing him juice, which was not what he wanted had him roll his eyes and snapped his first words to me.

I held back tears as I told him I hoped his day would be better.

He saw this and lowered his head as he entered the building, like deflated balloon.

With tears brimming, I put a smile on my face and drove away hoping he would not see the arrow sticking out from my chest.

He called and asked me to tell him why I was crying...I was scared to upset his day more and said I was fine. He kept poking and I told him I was tip toe-ing away as he was clearly already mad and I didn't want to feed into it. I told him I loved him and he said he loved me

 and then we hung up to get back to work.

 

Ten minutes later this text arrived:

You are my heart and my soul and the inspiration and sustenance of my flesh.

Mornings like this where we stumble and trip and get caught on the roots of fear and confusion are one of my great pains in my life. I'm sorry. 

 

 

As the day passed I thought of him and how relationships take work.

Sometimes the way you express love is not seen as expressions of love by the other person but simply actions. So the real work in a long relationship is finding the right language/expressions when you want to show love.

 

We joined family that night to carve pumpkins.

By the time The Barren arrived and I had already cleaned the guts out of his pumpkin,

as I know he is not fond of that.

I watched my niece and nephew jab, saw, and carve their pumpkins, focused on creating a master  piece of a lantern! 

I drew a silly simple design on mine.

My pumpkin carving has been lacking these last few years...

We all ate together and as the night grew, The Barren was handed our newest niece to hold.

I saw him hesitate for a moment and then relax into it, our niece put her head on his chest and I could see him relax and then feel the bittersweet radiate from him.

He handed the little lady to me and I sat her to face us.

 The Earl (my brother) watched on...making sure we were holding her OK.

There was a strange quiet that fell over the room, or maybe I stopping hearing anything...

Our other niece sat on my other side and I realized for a moment that I was holding a baby, sitting next to my hubby, and had another child on the other side of me. The Barren made faces and cooed, gentling touching her arms and fingers commenting on how soft her skin was.

Like he was discovering it for the first time.

She eventually went back to her parents and we eventually drove home.

 

At home he asked how it was to hold her, I told him I was fine with it. How was he?

He said it was weird but alright in a way.

He asked how my day was, alright aside from our rough start to it.

I told him I was feeling very open and raw;

I was carrying an anniversary with me that at times during the day felt heavy.

He realized what I was talking about and said he was sorry he didn't remember.

I didn't expect him to remember, me reminding him was all he needed,

all he could really bear at this time.

 

Our wedding anniversary is a couple days away, so we shifted our conversation to that.

How we wanted to make a grand romantic gesture for each other but were coming up empty.

It is feeling a little melancholy these days;  a lock down at work so no one can take days off this coming month, the pressure of the year ending

and the absolute NEED for some time away/tuning out.

 

This morning in class, in the dark, I spoke to my babies.

I told them I loved them and that I was sorry we never got to hug each other.

I know we both could use that about now.

I understand

I got my first traffic ticket today...at 7:30 in the morning.

I was calm but shaking and in reflection not as shocked by the whole thing.

I have been taking the same street for months, and making right turns and heading on to work or home...but today, apparently I missed a new fixture.

I was informed by the officer that there are new, no turn on red signs posted.

I didn't see them, I told him that.

He said that there had been a lot of accidents at that intersection,

I told him it made sense to post signs.

He took my papers and wrote me a ticket.

Done

 

I am the type of person who would normally then spend hours berating myself about how I was bad and finally caught, I could have killed someone, I am a bad person.

Instead I called The Barren, told him I can take "get pulled over and get a ticket" off my bucket list.

he chuckled and then asked what happened.

I explained and he said you can fight it...you can talk to the judge.

I told him I would pay the fine and move one, I don't need the drama.

I didn't see the sign, I own it, I was in the wrong.

done

 

I was thinking about getting a massage as I was showering this morning.

I haven't had one since the super cold and I think it would feel nice.

 I might postpone it, due to lack of $$
but after writing this, I am thinking why...it won't change anything.
It is just a ticket, not a branding or a tattoo, a passing reminder that you need to pay better attention.
I think I just changed my own mind.
screw punishing myself....it is time to change that thinking and celebrate
Yahoo I got a ticket, and I am OK with that.

Love

It is well to give when asked but it is better to give unasked, through understanding.

Kahlil Gibran, 'On Giving,' The Prophet, 1923

 

I found this quote the other day while working on a project and it made so much sense to me.

It simply highlights compassion.

 but so so beautifully.

I was wondering around the internets and looking people up
...some would call this stalking but I am not doing it in a creepy way....
really I am not creepy or stalky...
curious would be a better adjective.

Anyway....I found my yoga teachers, and one of them has a blog too!
So I started reading it, it is not private or invitation only so I figured it was fair to read.
Well it revealed that this wonderful inspiring instructor of mine was just out of recovery last year,
for an eating disorder.

I have two regular instructors with my current schedule and so I alternate between them.
I find them both compassionate, inspiring and the reason I am still willing to wake up at 4:30 in the morning to get to their classes before work.
They are strong and although their bodies are fit and trim and athletic they are not whispers of women. I like that.
 It has made me brave enough to wear "workout" clothes
and be vulnerable in class.
It has allowed me to look at myself in mirror, and not be ashamed at what I see looking back at me.
It has allowed me to reclaim the person who I use to be, the one that liked herself and her body.

After reading this heartbreaking account of her daily struggles to overcome her mean inner voice, I could relate to the internal fight. The daily questions and wicked downward spiral.
I was overwhelmed and compelled to write her a love bomb.
I have been a little behind on my love bombs...and it was the perfect reason to start up again.
(love bombs are cards, notes and love I send to others, just because I feel compelled to)

 I wrote her a note, on a handmade card, that expressed my thanks for all that she has inspired in me; allowed me to explore and become and to thank her for being that person for me.
 I wrote one for the other teacher too...as she has played a role for me as well...
and then it overflowed into more notes to more people that I was thinking about.
It was wonderful and made me feel deeply about these people.
I felt warm and fuzzy and happy!
 Love bombs for me, are all about the act of making and giving them.
That is what gives me the most joy, I am leaving no words unsaid.
I am sending love out to others.
 When I was at my lowest, I just wanted to feel deeply loved,
whole and important. I wanted to be bombarded with love. If I couldn't receive that, I could give it instead....so I started sending love bombs.



 

Try and not cry while watching this one....

 

But more importantly....send some love out !



Autumn reflections

It is October... already!

I received a note on my social media page that was sending well wishes to me,

as October is pregnancy loss month.

It was a loving gesture that was totally unexpected

and in all frankness shook me a little first thing in the morning.

 

This is indeed the month when we had the first of our miscarriages.

I will carry that with me forever; I just wasn't expecting someone else to remember it too.

As I was in class this morning, I started to reflect on where I am now, at present, in my life.

 

I think that I am another step back, further from the center of it all. 

I started reading where I was a few years ago and how saturated in sorrow I lived, daily, alone.

Now I seem to be grieving for that person, the person so lost in sorrow it is hard to breathe.

The girl lost in daydreams of a baby.

 I feel so deeply for her,

and want to make her feel better.

Then I remember that I am her/that was me. 

Is that growth, recovery, coming to terms?

I am not sure

I am not living there anymore, I am simply living.
For real; my eyes are open, I am present.
I think that as this year since surgery arrives I realize that I have been freed from guilt.
I was left feeling this was never my doing, I hadn't left a stone unexplored.
So I was allowed to walk again.
Now it is me against a disease; not me against will or desire or drive.
That places a lot of power back into my hands.
So is it growth, or recovery or coming to terms I am still not sure but I am exploring it all.
As I see that girl who was, I embrace her and whisper in her ear...
you did not do this to yourself.
this was never your fault
you were never meant to carry that weight
 

Ch Ch Changes

So remember way back in June I mentioned I got my blood tested and it triggered concern from my doctor about my cholesterol levels?
 I was all pissed and mad and ended up starting this yoga-addiction I am currently in?
I also:

stopped eating cheese
 stopped eating bread

stopped eating whole eggs
(eating only whites sometimes)

stopped eating ice cream

  stopped having the occasional drink

I started taking a vitamin daily and extra Vitamin D

I started to exercise 3-4times a week

I started eating only vegan 5-6 days a week (I am human for goodness sake)

I restricted everything that went into my mouth/body

 

joke: How can you tell someone is vegan?

a: don't worry they'll tell you 

my answer was : they are grumpy and want an ice cream

 

Well, I went back to the doc this month, as an advocate for myself and to see if I could eat goat cheese again and if any of these extreme changes was doing any good.
I mean, if this evil self experiment was really making no difference
what the fuck is the point of being miserable?
(with the food restrictions, not the yoga)
It turns out I am making changes, but the levels could drop some more.
My doctor told me "with all these measures for three months, I might be fighting "the inevitable"
A family history of high levels."
*sigh*
"If I want to stay off medicine for correcting it, keep doing what I am doing and add an Omega-3 supplement."
 *sigh*
and "BTW you have lost some real weight too...."
(well yeah, I can't eat anything fun anymore)
Can you tell I am a little bitter about this.

So here is where I turn lemons into lemonade:
I learned how to make "cheese" from nuts...well, cashew cheese.
I can now have a comfort "quesadilla"
I am learning to be that person who gets to live with a restricted diet,
I am choosing to accept it at this point.
I don't want to take medicine for cholesterol
Instead I get to take four big supplement pills with breakfast and my meals look like this:

Pistachio Mint Smoothie and a handful of almonds:
Local Pistachios, Fresh Mint Leaves, Banana, Agave
Nectar and Homemade Raw Sprouted Almond Mylk



My lunch box:
romaine, corn, lentil salad and homemade cashew cheese balls

dairy free/soy free yogurt, fresh berries and a vegan toaster waffle

my lemonade:

I got myself a
"congratulations on the three months strait of yoga girl,
those 4:30am wake-ups are a bitch "
dress from modcloth.
It is grey with little pink elephants in wine glasses all over it,
plus I am going to wear it to a wedding and
I had been drooling over for a long time, and even though
I didn't have the money for it,
I said FUCK I have had enough bullshit in my life to let that stop me.

SO The Barreness has taken control of my uterus, my family history has taken control of my food loves and now I am taking what I can back.
I am now a relectant vegan....ugh