Surviving

Santa at the mall

I have been quite moody as of late.

I have been having panic attacks, and sleeping poorly.

I have been dreaming of bugs, and roller skates and babies and waterfalls and all of them have me searching.

I am exhausted when I awake.

I have found myself overwhelmed by the simply things in life, like deciding what to eat for dinner.

I need a break, but I am trying to find a time when that can happen.

I tried to see Santa at the mall with my father; it is a new tradition that we have started. Being a Jewish kid, we were really never part of the magic that is Santa, and my father and mother simply fed us what they were taught too. Now my dad and I try to have a picture taken with Santa, I have told him that it simply means we believe in magic, nothing more nothing less.

He called me and asked if I wanted to go I was delighted by the idea, blinded by what I might encounter.

My parents arrived and we headed to see the bearded man, there was a LONG line filled with babies, toddlers and mothers. I looked at my dad and said " I don't think my management skills are gonna cover me" he looked at me, my mother looked at me...I stood there for a moment longer, assessing the crowd again...and feeling the primal need to run, run away fast and hard....I swallowed hard and said again " I can not do this right now" totally heartbroken.

We left the line and I was shaken to the core.

We walked and really said nothing much more, I found myself apologizing.

Asking for forgiveness for my weakness.

I really wanted to feel the magic, I really wanted that photo with my father, his act of rebellion against all that he was taught. I couldn't have it this year.

As strong as I thought I was, I found myself just as weak.

I did manage to fight back tears, and not cry in front of them.

I am still not sure why I choose to not cry, I am always crying in public places...

but not this time.

Christmas came and went and the new year is around the corner.

We still need to make our holiday cards...

worm hole

I had dreams that I was turning into an earthworm, but couldn't finish the transition as I was stuck at some stage of the metamorphosis.

I called my doctors office yesterday as the waiting was too heavy to continue to carry.

My doctor was not in the office, so I asked to speak with the nurse that has been so so wonderful to talk to on the phone. She came thru again like a magic maker. She looked thru my doctors papers and called me back with results.

She told me that I had a cyst on my ovary, but more importantly, it was fluid filled, no solid mass and did not appear to be malignant or questionable.

Great news....it doesn't look cancerous.

My uterus is tilted and they could see my fibroids.

No new news, or new bad news.

I am back to looking at my prescription for the pill and seeing how I feel about filling it.

Modesty

After a night of childbirth dreams, which I am sure were spurred by my overnight cramping;

 I awoke to my period.

A week early and on the day of my pelvic MRI.

I know now The Barreness is pulling no punches.

I am not going to take any pain meds before the MRI so that all is shown it is glory, no abridged story here.

My sense of modesty has flown out the window, as I called to ask if I can wear a tampon for the MRI.

I feel like I did in Jr High when I got my period at school and had to run home to change clothes.

I am fighting the nausea that the pain brings....I am shaking from the nerves, I am visualizing my ovary surviving its hostile takeover. 

Mellow

© The Barreness
all rights reserved

I have my MRI on tomorrow morning. The location only offers a closed MRI machine so I am being prescribed a "mellow the hell out" pill to make me not think all those horrible things, or at least not care about them while a powerful magnetic field is used to align the magnetization of some atoms in my body, which will create a radio frequency field to systematically alter the alignment of this magnetization. This will cause my nuclei to produce a rotating magnetic field detectable by the scanner—and this information is recorded to construct an image of my uterus, ovaries and pelvis. 

really it is quite scientific, nothing to be emotional about, 

nothing to be freaking out about.

I had an MRI once before, of my brain though 

and I was in an open MRI 

while my hubby held my ankle 

so I wouldn't cry from fear of what they might find.

Hubby has made arrangements to be at this one too, hopefully he can hold whatever part of me is still sticking out of the thing so I don't feel so lost and scared. I don't think I am scared of small spaces, but when I think of it, under the conditions I am there I want a " I don't give a fuck" pill, followed by a long nap of forgetting all my concerns with magical make it all go away dreams.

During my recent panic attacks I have been mad at myself for wanting to try and live off the pill, as this is the reaction. I continued to wait and tempt the Barreness with more opportunities to build new fibroids and cysts and she took that chance and moved in. Now I have something growing in me that is causing concern. I just hope I can get the wheel to start spinning in the other direction and save my ovary from her.

I will know more as the week passes.

I really don't like the feeling of doctors making passing glances at my films and making life altering suggestions for me. The long history of being in this place has left me feeling skeptical of them, I really wanted a healer, a compassionate healer. 

Last Night

Last nights dream was filled with symbols it was like a crazy decorated room:

I was wandering around in a room when my cat came racing in with something in it's mouth...I stopped it and found that he was carrying a kitten, a newly born kitten. I took it from his mouth and handed it to my husband and said "hold this I am going to see where he got it from". Then said that maybe this is why our cat has been so freaked out lately.

On turning around to see where he had run from I saw a pocket in the carpet that had a mama cat and a pool of kittens. She had crazy eyes and pulled the carpet back over herself while asking me to bring back her kitten. I wandered into the next room, that was filled with bathroom stalls, and the largest had the door swing open, and inside was another mama cat with a pool of kittens; as well there was a woman I know (I have just reconnected with) that was in a 50's style dressing gown (sheer puffy sleeved top that separates in front for breast feeding, something I have seen mothers wear in 50's movies while sitting in a hospital bed after having a baby) anyways, this woman was pacing and rubbing her hands, clearing concerned. I asked what was wrong and she described how she had been measuring her belly button so it was big enough for an amnio,something with the number 9 and started to cry. She had had her baby (this woman in awakened life tried IVF several times and never conceived) I hugged her and she whispered to me that she would have to give him up for adoption.

I remember rubbing her back and then leaving her and heading out a door, only to walk over more kittens.

I started to run....up a steep hill and then the hill turned into a series of staircases....and I started running up the stairs and running I said to myself, "I have run a marathon before I can do this"

and then was trying to remember when I had run this marathon....

at this I awoke.

Ode to The Barreness

Is there anybody going to listen to my story
All about the girl who came to stay?
She's the kind of girl you want so much it makes you sorry
Still you don't regret a single day
Ah girl, girl
 

When I think of all the times I tried so hard to leave her
She will turn to me and start to cry
And she promises the earth to me and I believe her
After all this time, I don't know why
Ah girl, girl

She's the kind of girl who puts you down
When friends are there, you feel a fool
When you say she's looking good
She acts as if it's understood
She's cool, oh
Ah girl, girl

Was she told when she was young the pain would lead to pleasure?
Did she understand it when they said
That a man must break his back to earn his day of leisure
Will she still believe it when he's dead?
Ah girl, girl

I finished.. .

I blogged all month long, I finished NaBloPoMo

I never thought I would have so many reflections on being infertile or how it has touched me daily.

I got a call from the doctor's office...I need an MRI to determine what kind of monster we are dealing with.

In many ways I am glad to know I will finally get a picture of my questionable uterus, in other ways I am afraid of what kind of fear-speech I will get next. 

All I know is that things have grown and they have grown fast.

Soooo I am back to waiting for more information and being my own best advocate.

Initiate brave face....and smile

I might be mad at my reproductive system, but I have no desire to have it removed, or strangled or harmed.

It is mine and I am dead set on keeping it.

Only time will tell

I made it thru the exam. I drank as much water as I could, but it was not enough....

My poor uterus was slumped over my bladder for the abdominal portion of the ultrasound...so she had to push down quite hard to see all around it.

I ignored the discomfort and tried to not beat myself up about not drinking more water.

The tech was once again incredible and sympathetic and kind...I thanked her for that and it made her blush.

She is also kind enough to say out loud what she is seeing, or doing...another reason I travel out of my way to have her do the ultrasounds.

All seems to still be there, some are harder to see than others but their presence is known, the details lost.

She said very kindly...." I think I will be seeing you again soon" which is code for all is not gone.
She said under her voice that it appeared that one is quite camped out, and the cyst on my ovary is so much a part of its host that she can not tell where one ends and the other begins.

The doctor's report will state more details and measurements...I simply must wait and see.

Wait and see if this two year run is over, and for the sake of my messed up repo system I go back on the pill or I continue the wait and see. Sometimes I think, just go back onto the pill...but then I remember all the things that bum me out about it: handfuls of hair falling out, loosing the curl in what hair remains, the loss of my newly reclaimed sex drive, the mood swings...the fact that I am back on the pill.

I have been to this crossroads before and as sure at times as I am, I am just as unsure.

I know I only get this time around in this life...and I have waited a long time for this spin and have spent a lot of time waiting...simply waiting for a period, a pain to leave, a vision to come....for things to make sense.

I am still having to be patient.

I can see The Barreness, she is smirking at me...wondering which choice I will make now. She treats it like a chess match and has already calculated her moves based on my know responses.

My desire is to fool her this time.

Follow-up

I have an ultrasound at 7:45am tomorrow.

It is a follow-up to one done in July, where a complex cyst was found. The NP seemed concerned and wanted to get me in ASAP, but after she saw the date realized that we needed to wait 4 months before doing the next one.

Tomorrow is that next one. I go to a hospital, and check in to have it done, as it a tiny town and that is the way things are done. Plus the tech there was the first to be kind, compassionate and did not give me the "keep tryin" speech.

Tonight I am just working on not being nervous, I am also trying to drink more water so the AM chug of 40 ounces will not seem as extreme.

Every ultrasound has revealed a new finding, and I just hope this one reveals that the "questionable cyst" is gone or normal.

I have been experiencing new ligament discomfort, in fact most of last week was either the rocks in my bladder or the tight plucking sensation over my right ovary.

On another note, I have been off the pill for almost two years and in that time I have not had one ER visit.

One victory.

Aside

I spent the day working and avoiding work..it is a delicate balance.

The neighbor ordered a bouncy...It is parked outside my workroom. It started as white noise...a dull buzz.

Then as my distractions dropped, it came into focus of sorts.

I became more and more aware of it.

I worked as I heard squeals and jarring voices from jumping.

Then came the parent that was pretending to be a monster, chasing the children...roaring and more squealing.

Then came me mentioning a movie, a way to get out of the house.

The rain arrived shortly afterwards and the jumper fell silent,

I was thankful to Mother Nature for providing us a break from our own daydreams.

It is that time of the year

So now that Thanksgiving is a thing of the past, it is time to focus on Christmas.

At least that is what I am being fed everywhere I go

I usually watch a lot less television this time of year, as the commercials get so so hard to ignore.

There are families and traditions and colors and emotions.

It becomes harder to go the store to shop for simple things like toilet paper and salsa. There is Christmas music everywhere and children in tow. School is out and the patience level of parents drops as they mow thru stores and life trying to get things done and presents wrapped and food made.

All the while I float and bare witness to mothers yelling at their children in SUV's and fathers screaming at their kids to listen.

I caught sight of myself in the reflection of the car window today and I look tired.

 I wonder how I can get my zip back...

what can I do to pull it all together again?

I want to have a holiday, feel like everything is happy and festive.

Special and memorable, like I am creating a memory for just ourselves and that that is ok,

not just something we have settled for.

Present

Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.

 ~Cherokee Indian Proverb

I tried to keep this in mind today, I wanted to have an old fashion thanksgiving.

One where I wasn't reminded of the long road that we have walked.

I awoke early to make my great Aunt's sweet potato recipe.

Alone in the kitchen I washed and cut the tubers and put them on the stove to boil.

As I mashed them up I thought of my Aunt making the dish so many times in her life, I thought of my grandmother making the dish many times in her life and I thought of how I am now making it.

For a moment, I felt like I was connected to my past.

At the table I was asked about the sweet potato dish and as I am the only one who still makes it, I said:

I need to make sure someone can make it besides me, and in that same moment I said...

I will teach my nephew...

it was quick and I felt no pain about it.

It was like I was normal for a moment.

I am thankful for that.

Warmth

This morning before the sun was even up, we got back into our car and drove out of the ice and snow back home. Our 36 hour trip had come to an end.

Before leaving we knocked on my sister-in-laws door and were directed into the warm dark room, where we found little quiet lumps in the bed. 

I could see their little bodies, curled into soft curves, hair all disheveled.

I dreamt of this moment for myself, many time over...

walking into a dark room, smelling the soft scent of their breath in the air.

Hearing them quietly breathe and knowing that they were safe and mine.

This is the closest I can get; a welcomed visitor into a family members room.

It was heartbreaking.

I wanted to whisper into their ear during their early morning dreams; but all I could do was rest my hand onto their head feel their silken hair in my fingers and quickly kiss their cheek.

Hopefully I was able to let them know I loved them, even if I still wasn't strong enough to sit and watch them sleep.

A Quiet Moment

After a loud morning, filled with conversations about coloring,exploding trucks and mini fridges being flung open and their contents spilled across the floor of the room...we are enjoying a quiet afternoon with adults only. All afternoon we have enjoyed the simple company of family and adult conversations.

My nephews are running around in snow with cousins.

tonight they will simply sleep.

Introductions

Currently in the beginning stages of introductions; I am trying to carefully and honestly introduce myself to my nephews. 

At dinner I was trying to memorize their movements and the sound of their voices. Watching the nuances of their hands coloring or eyebrows furrowing as they ate.

I am trying to make up for memories I have yet to create

My bags

I am running around the house crazed as I am not sure what to do first.

I will be visiting with family and as wonderful as it is...and infrequent, I am anxious.

Some of our family is not as connected to us than other parts of our family, so when we are together for something more then a meal it gets strange and awkward.

My sister-in-laws get pregnant easily, I sometimes wonder if they simply mention they they want another baby and it is done. When we told this sister-in-law about our efforts not being as easy, she simply cried and said "I feel so sorry for you"

That created a wedge for me, and since then I have been gun-shy to share much else,
heck almost anything else.

When her first son was born and she visited the first time, I was handed my nephew "here take him for awhile" I was terrified, and frankly wanted to put him down and run far far far away. My mother-in-law insisted on constantly handing him off to me; when the second nephew came along, my husband was my barricade, he took the small one and I stood next to him trembling inside and wanting to vaporize.
Fearing that my sister-in-law would need to run errands and disappear for several hours leaving me and my nephews sitting on the floor and crying.

Now we are visiting again, and although they are several years old, I am still afraid.
They don't really know me outside of the knowledge that I send a card for their birthday and Christmas.
I try and ask about them a lot but often get information via my mother in law.

My first interactions with them were when they were little and I was in the most painful process of my infertility. I hope they don't remember that part...I hope they don't remember the Aunt that wanted to hold them and snuggle but was so so raw inside she held back and cried all night long afterwards.

Dinner out

Had dinner out at an old friends home, and actively spent the night trying to not mention children the whole time.

It was much easier then I thought it would be.

Currently enjoying the after effects of fondue and wine and bread

In this months mail...

I was cleaning up around the place and found a pile of letters that I had put aside to shred as junk mail.

On a fluke I opened up a letter from my senator for my district...it was close to election time so I assumed it was a political letter urging me to vote or something.

Turns out it was a personal letter written from the senator,

telling me how he read the article published in my local paper about my show:

 "thank you for sharing your art and your tragic story with the community. Your strength in difficult times serves as an inspiration to us all. My heart goes out to you and your husband for your trials"

I am surprised and a bit floored that he or someone in his office took the time to write me a letter.

as La Belette said today:

#8. I want to be totally okay with what is and surprised by how marvelous the future will be.

Family photos

I was looking thru some pictures from our four day summer vaca this year and started to wonder...who will look at our vacation pictures when we are old?

What is the purpose of putting the images into albums and labeling where we are and what we did?

I know that a lot of it is for myself and hubby to reflect on but what happens after us? Do they simply get thrown into the trash or given to a thrift store?

Does that mean all memory of us disappears too?

Wordless Wednesday

Ripples

Sometimes you are just walking against the flow, wearing the wrong color,

wake up on the wrong side of the bed, eat the wrong things, show up at the wrong time.

Today was that day.

Tomorrow will be better

Mother Nature

I still have my period...

I sometimes watch the color leave my face, or the wonder just how much blood I am really loosing.

Mostly I just float, and wonder

birthday

Today was my nephews 3rd birthday party.

About three years ago I was weeping

today I was laughing.

Although he is not my son, he is my nephew and is bringing me joy. 

Mixed

Although I knew the answer it never sits well.

I was alone when I took the test. It sat quietly within me.

On this same weekend, I am making the birthday cake for my Nephew.

I asked my brother and sister-in-law if I could, I asked if I could make all their cakes.

I need to express myself, my loss; in making something sweet for the little people in my life.

I would never be able to have that experience otherwise, and lucky for me, it was welcomed and appreciated.

My home smells of sugar and I have a mountain of cupcakes waiting to be frosted.

Tomorrow, thru my pain pill (as my period arrived late today) I will watch my nephew, I will see people parenting and hear children laugh and play.

Then crawl home, and tuck myself into bed...trying to make the memory of those sounds my lullaby;

not a haunting symphony of mockery and taunts

Quiet

Hubby just called to say  that he will not be home until late.

He is meeting with friends and relaxing his Friday night away.

In some ways it hurts my feelings...I work all day so that by Friday night we can hang out together

...in other ways I realize it is really important that he has his space and time.

I am home, in the quiet of the house.

My period is late again, and I have a pee stick sitting on the counter waiting for me to address it.

I know I am not pregnant, I just need to see the negative sign so I don't torture myself all weekend waiting for my cycle to kick into gear.

I have eaten too much chocolate today in hopes it would kick my ovary and the cycle will start

....no luck so far.

The road is laid ahead of me and I simply need to take that first step to start the daydream of "what if..."

I choose to stand still and check my compass first.

tired

I have some serious baking to do this coming weekend.

I am gonna work on not pulling it into my heart too deeply.

More to come

Wordless Wednesday



Hindsight

I survived the eye exam today, but left feeling broken and waited to cry until I got back to the car.

I have come to understand that I will not find a doctor, that wants to be a healer.

I went to the EYE doctor for goodness sake and the constant teasing of my poor eyesight, the jokes about how I needed a German Shepard and that I have old eyes were just too much to bear by the end.

I ordered my new prescription and left with eyes the size of saucers.

I am sure that if I haven't had years of doctors telling me all the things that are wrong with my body, it might not have been such a big deal but I think it simply just reconfirms that I do not like doctors anymore.

I simply need to interact with them in order to keep myself healthy, despite them.

Toddle

Toddle: to walk with short toddering steps in the manner of a young child.

I took myself to a party supply store the other day in preparation for decorating my nephews birthday cake.

I asked shortly before his first birthday for the "contract" to make his birthday cake.

It was a massive accomplishment to get to that point, and I wanted to celebrate his first time around the sun.

When he was born we had been trying to get pregnant for a while and I tried to comfort myself with the idea that the little boy I had dreamed of was simply delivered to the family; but a different set of arms and home.
It worked for a little bit....but since has been another silent symbol of what has not come true for us.

Meanwhile, back at this party store......
I was mindlessly wandering thru aisles of colorful decorations, frosting tips and plastic platters. A woman and her two young-ish daugthers came in and asked for the "christening stuff" I heard her and her daughters find the items they were looking for and then start commenting about the baby shower items...all while I was deciding which color yellow was the "yewlow" my nephew wanted for his cake.
I made a mental note to myself to not go down the next aisle as it had the baby stuff on it and it didn't have anything I needed on it.
The lady and her daugthers proceeded to shop and where getting balloons filled when I began to see what other gems this shop had. I was daydreaming about parties and fun gatherings all while looking at these fun light decorations. I got some cellophane bags for the goodies and then I saw the Fiesta stuff...being a big Dia De Los Muertos fan I always take a look at what else is out there what could work on next years altar. Crepe paper flowers, I use to know how to make those as a kid....
turn around to see the other side of the aisle and ....BAM
Smack dab in front of me...cowboy stuff
I was so blown off guard...I was so prepared to not go down the baby shower aisle.
All those stick ponies and chaps and wanted posters...and straw hats and and and
I was totally spun , I felt the tears welling up in my eyes, I started to breathe really hard...I was actually looking for a place to hide!
I somehow, found the strength to turn around and stand in the corner of the store.
I got my head together and went to check out.

I was drunk, I was spun, I was so shaken, I was toddling...

Lily

My heart goes out today...

I read this morning that Lily Allen has had another miscarriage

and is currently in the hospital with a blood-poisoning condition, septicaemia.

I know she is a music personality, and that this is news that is being reported in the tabloids...

but she is still a woman trying to become a mother and facing devastating losses along her trip.

I am saying a little mediation for her and her sweetie.

Loss is loss, no matter who you are.

Long Long Long

It's been a long long long time,

How could I ever have lost you

When I loved you.

It took a long long long time

Now I'm so happy I found you

How I love you

So many tears I was searching,

So many tears I was wasting, oh. Oh--

Now I can see you, be you

How can I ever misplace you

How I want you

Oh I love you

You know that I need you.

Ooh I love you.

Beatles Song, White Album, Lyrics George Harrison

lovely

A lovely pair of glasses of wine and an evening with my hubby has taken my words away.

Have a wonderful Friday night.

I am having a great time.

Daydream

Mother and Daughter, Kathmandu Nepal

This morning while having a birthday breakfast for me brother, I got lost.

I slowly floated into a seduction.

I watched while my sister-in-law created a hairstyle out of my nieces tangled locks.

The slow brushing, the quiet contemplation of playing with the rubber bands.

The smell of her freshly cleaned hair and the warmth of the color.

My mother caught me, she wrapped her arm around me and gave me a kiss.

I was awoken into reality and my own messy locks.

wordless wednesday

Illustrated guide to parental obligations -- Utagawa Yoshitora, 1880



The University of California, San Francisco (UCSF) maintains a collection of 400 health-themed woodblock prints from 19th-century Japan. The collection -- which includes drug advertisements, illustrated instructions for treating and preventing contagious diseases, and visual guides to the human body -- offers a unique look at Japanese medical knowledge in the late Edo and early Meiji periods

thanks to:
http://pinktentacle.com/2010/09/medical-woodblock-prints-from-19th-century-japan/

Cinderella

Cinderella, dressed in yellow

went upstairs to kiss a 'fella

made a mistake

and kissed a snake

how many doctors

did it take?

1 year later

1 year ago, while celebrating our 7th year wedding anniversary I had a miscarriage.

We spent the weekend, quiet and reflective and wounded.

When October 30th came around this year, I woke up and cried and apologized to my hubby.

I cooked food all day and then I filled my home with friends and family,

and quietly imagined what would have been.

Our Dia De Los Muertos altar is built and filled with family and a little reminder of our sweet little someone.

Words never seem to be enough

I am finding it hard to locate words.

When I was in the final stages of the show I was sitting and trying to imagine/meditate on what I wanted for this show...it was simply that, I wanted the show would be seen.

I fought off images of an empty gallery,

people getting the cards and then throwing them into the recycling can

or simply forgetting it.

In an effort to offset my insecurities...

I worked really hard to banish the image of being ignored or dismissed.

When I showed my final set of images to my art mentor, she looked at me and said

"You need to think bigger then you are doing. You need to see this traveling"

that set into motion the concept that this show was not simply to be shown once and then be stored in my garage, like a backpack or a box of sentimental clothes.

I wanted people to see the work and know what it feels like to loose something so deeply understood as yours. What it means to be infertile.

 This also set into motion a deep sense of panic to a fanatical level,

 I needed to work harder and longer and more intensely.

I wanted this to be my strongest body of work to date....I wanted to not let anyone down.

I spent many a night simply paralyzed with fear of making the "wrong choice" or making a mistake.

To date, nothing in my life has come easy and I have understood and accepted that from a very young age.

I have always had to work harder and longer.

Nothing is handed to me, and if it is, I will find myself without it soon enough.

I have other members of my family that the extreme opposite is the case and I understand that too.

So as I inched closer and closer to the show opening and this amazing journey began something

 very very foreign to me began to happen...things started to fall into place, people were offering to help me.

A journey I thought I would be taking alone fighting every step, making every choice, searching for every loose coin in the house to pay for labels or frames...some thing shifted.

It opened and the gallery filled up, everyday the gallery was open there were people there to see the show!

I was humbled and so thrilled.

I have met some amazing people, who have said some mind blowing things to me.

I heard that someone even came to the closed gallery after seeing a write up in the newspaper and banged on the door until someone opened it, just to see me show!

(like in a movie)

I have met some fellow bloggers and been starstruck by them!

Wowo ladies, you are my hero's!

I have opened my email and seen letters from people I don't know telling me deep dark secrets of loss.

I think that is what has got me so stunned.

I think I am suddenly lucky and it concerns me

End of days

Ladybird beetle eating aphids in the garden

I took my exhibit down.

I am pretty spun by this whole experience.

I was gone most of today, a dear friend said goodbye to her grandmother.

I fought tears, as her grandmother was one I had known for many years as well and cherished.

It made me remember all the wonderful and special things about my granmothers and how once they are gone you remember all the things you wanted to talk about and all the things you now have missing from your life.

I miss having grandparents.

These last few days of the exhibit have been amazing, in fact everyday the gallery was open there have been visitors! Amazing and wonderful indeed.

I do think that this was the most visited show the gallery had had.

Tonight, all alone, I packed up the images one by one, pulled the nails out of the drywall.

I pulled every label off the wall and lastly removed the show title from the marquee wall.

It was quiet and the air felt heavy.

I was saying goodbye again, I felt every image again.

Read my words and slowly and carefully placed them into their boxes.

As I picked up the guest book, I saw the names of some family members.

I was surprised to see that they came to see the show. 

Then a message on the home phone, they never call...

A tearful voice was on the other end, telling me how she felt about seeing my images and reading my words.

It has made the whole thing even more surreal.

I met a woman the other day that was starting a new business, an infertility "resource center" of sorts. She wants to specialize in hyponotherapy, she comes from a long history in reproductive centers. 

She asked me very pointed questions and wanted to know what I had tried.

I went thru my list of alternative methods and found myself shaking again.

I was feeling them all again; feeling the loss, the hope that was left by the side of the road, and the pain.

She asked for my thoughts on her ideas and desires for her "clinic"

I made suggestions about what she could change in her wording that might be more on the side of empathy.

I felt like I was talking to the enemy, the pusher, the dream pusher....

She said she had never thought outside the box of the reproductive center thinking, she could see another side now. I am wondering if she really did, or if she was trying to wrap her head around the idea that sometimes you don't get what you work so hard for, risk so much for and want so badly.

Maybe I planted a seed;  maybe she will see that although the other side of the fence really has

 grass, it is just not the kind of grass you wanted, even after watering, fertilizing, pulling all the weeds and spending weekends mowing it.

 Sometimes all you are left with are empty containers of products or dead spots.

I have visited an amazing amount of loss this month.

Amongst this all my period was late again, several days late.

I was pulled so easily thru the thick waters of seduction and dreams, into the delusion.

It was not the case, but I was left mad at myself for being enticed by something that will always evade me.

I think I am still mourning, everything 

Guilt

Infertility has left me with a mountain of guilt.

I spent several hours at the gallery today greeting visitors and watching as they would either come in and say nothing or spill deeply personal stories into my heart.

Today the most feared thing happened....let me back up a little.

When I was getting closer to the show opening I feared that I would be attacked verbally or that my show would be received in a negative light. I did a lot of preparation mentally to ready myself for just that

....I thought.

Today about an hour before the gallery was to close for the day a woman came in and started looking around. I greeted her as she walked into the gallery and said if she had questions about the show I would be happy to answer them. She seemed to be simply skimming the show and so I thought nothing much of her visit. Then as she turned to leave, she caught a glimpse of one of my miscarriage images and got her glasses out of her pocketbook.

From here she started to ask questions about what the image was of and then starting looking at all the images and began a half hour talk about how I was paying for things I had done in a past life.

She started in with asking very blunt questions:

Are you a stressed person?

Did you try relaxing?

Did you try therapy?

Did you have tests done?

How many pregnancy losses did I have?

What does my husband think of me?

Did I have a trauma as a child?

The she told me that she had two abortions and now has two wonderful children and grandchildren

Then back to my faults...

I should have past life regression done

I should have my history researched

I should have hypnotherapy

I need to take different vitamins

I really must have done something horrible in a past life

Have I done something bad in this life?

As she left, I realized I had put all my walls up...I had been attacked, I could hear myself saying "interesting" to her suggestions.

 Inside I was screaming and wanting to hide,

inside I was drowning in my guilt.

Inside I was lost.

I was shaken to the core....It has taken me several hours to extract myself from her words.

I felt so broken, so bad, so unsettled.

I came home and simply threw myself into my hubby's arms asking him to surround me,

wanting to feel protected and safe once again.

I don't feel brave

I don't feel strong

I simply feel like a really bad person

I can hear The Barreness laughing at me.

Shock and Awe

I feel like I am floating still....swaying between being awake or asleep, focused or unsure.

I am past my two big openings and I have several pages of kind words about the show.

The newspaper article came out in today's paper.

It was very strange to see my words printed...very strange to realize that someone heard what I was saying. So much of this has been me talking here or in my head...or whispered to hubby at night while lying in bed.

I think I am in a little bit of shock.
I outed myself to my entire community

I stopped by the gallery early this morning to water the plants and check on the work.

I had dreams all night that the gallery owner had sold the walls that my work is on and forgotten that I had my work was still on it.

It was a night of feeling so unsure, so frightened, so unseen or unheard.

Turns out the owner of a local contemporary gallery came by before me this morning and pounded on the doors to see the show as he had read the article in today's paper.

He left his name in the guestbook with the words " Great Art/ Great use of the art process"

He took several cards and told the gallery owner that he knows other people that need to see this show.

I know I am in shock now, as I am not sure how to react to this or how I even feel about it.

Thick of it

I went and sat at the gallery today for a couple hours. In that time three people wandered in to see the show.

Two were college students and one a painter.

The college students wandered in, as the local photography teacher made an assignment of my show (kind of neat) and in doing so has gotten many of his students to the gallery. Both asked me questions, about the work and its meaning. I think they felt a little disconnected from the subject, and after asking questions, felt a better sense of what was going on. Both left kind comments in the guest book about how it helped them think differently.

The painter was moved to tears, she sobbed and said "you really convey loss", she told me she wanted to share something with me, but struggled to get words out....she finally let them tumble out of her

 " I lost my husband less then 6 months ago.

I am a painter and I have a show coming up and I am not sure I can get a show together"

She allowed me to hug her and offer condolences. I was broken hearted for her as well.

She asked how long it took to put this show together and we talked shop about making and gathering work.

She left after sharing many more personal stories with me and crying some more.

I was thankful that she trusted me enough to share her loss and thoughts, and hopefully I showed her that you can still create in the sea that loss creates.

letters....

" Four and Twenty Blackbirds"
Photopolymer etching

I am totally overwhelmed with little letters that are arriving in my inbox....

I am simply a pool of tears by the stories the I am trusted enough to witness.

I am so thankful to know such amazing women

My parents had their private view of the show this evening....both were moved to tears, my father fell silent and had a hard time looking into my eyes, but simply hugged me and told me he loved me. My mother wept openly and loudly, and kept saying I am so sorry. It took my husband off guard, and he became weepy too.

I feel very raw, very soft and slightly afraid.

I am gonna need some waterproof mascara tomorrow night.

All Quiet Tonight...

marquee wall

I spent the day hanging the show in the gallery....totally absorbed and distracted from the emotion.

It was a blessing, as now I am simply tired and numb...

like I need a long soak in the tub but it will never be hot enough, sweet enough or long enough.

I was assisted by a dear new friend whose husband has terminal cancer, she knew this show was emotional for me, but insisted on helping anyways...her heart monitor beeping every now and then.

It served as a reminder for me to simply breathe and be present.

She told me after it was all up that it was a lovely show.

It went quickly, like a wedding after months of preparations.

The I was simply left in the gallery with my work, still cloaked in the plastic covers to protect the plexi from smudges and dirt.

Another new friend arrived and helped me lay the letters on the marquee wall

and

that is when it seemed so much more real.

Now instead of having this in a safe cloistered place, I have neatly framed, hung and lit the moment.

I have displayed it in a room for people to look at and possibly judge, but what I really hope is that I might have also helped someone understand what it means to be infertile.

How it has ruined the party, left a stain on the floor and dented the car.

All evidence that it is there and you can now see it.

Ask questions if you want, I will only give you the truth.

I wanted to make more comments on IComIleave week, so sorry ladies

I confess

I think I made a terrible mistake tonight....I was out to dinner with hubby and was trying really hard to simply relax, as my lack of sleep this last week has left me running on empty.

I am thrilled to have the whole show ready for the gallery but the stress will escalate Sunday and all of next week...so tonight was a "break" a date and a little relaxing.

As we were leaving I saw a woman who I know thru other people and her hubby. She smiled and started a conversation, "are you ready for the show?" I said I was closer and happy to have it open this next week. She said that they were coming to the show as they are personally familiar with infertility too. I said " I had heard, us infertiles seem to know one another" at this I saw the look of confusion and a little shock, then they were told that their table was ready...it was awkward and we said good night quickly and left.

I felt horrible...I have spent the last two days talking almost nonstop to people from news papers and online magazines about my infertility and I guess my sense of social graces has dropped. I need to honor her and realize that she doesn't talk about her infertility or refer to herself in the same way.

We raced home and sent an apology to her:

"Dear sweet lady whom I just barely know,

I realized as we were walking away from our short and very sweet conversation that I might have hurt your feelings...I am sorry.

I should have said "I am sorry that we are in the same crappy sorority". I am sorry that you and your hubby have also not gotten the results you had hoped for.

I have been speaking a lot about my own struggles with infertility,

that I guess some of my filters have dropped and I did not mean to make you or your hubby feel uncomfortable or angry.

Please forgive my misstep in words or actions,

I do hope that you still come to see the show, as hopefully my work will speak better then I did for myself.

The Barreness"

I have made a promise to myself that I will be

far far far better at being present and conscience in my words.

I hope she can forgive me...

Thanks friend

I saw these thanks to "This is more Personal"

they are so bittersweet...although they are funny, they are so right on.

Thinly Coated

My Grandmothers Hands

I am feeling so very raw.

Like I have the thinnest protection and yet I am walking thru a knife shop.

I am proud of my work, I do think it really speaks to the pain and loss both emotionally and physically that infertility makes.

As I look again at the work as I tuck it into their frames and mats...I am moved again.

Frightened and moved.

I simply feel like I need to be touched...that sense that you are not alone,

the quiet comfort, that someone else is there.

I am missing my grandmothers dearly and keep calling to them.

In moments of panic I find myself looking at pictures of them to soothe me.

My grandmothers are both gone from this world.

One a little over 4years, the other just shy of 2 years.

I had very different relationships with each, but both were close ones.

I was terrified when I told them about our childless future.

One simply wept...openly and deeply.

Then never mentioned it again, but asked once if I was still in pain.

The other wanted to make it all better,

she hugged me and sent me a card with money in it

suggesting I go buy myself something bright to wear.

I want to share this show with them...but I can't.

I have already decided to wear something to the show opening that reminds me of them,

a quiet personal reminder that they would be there if they could.

At least that is what I am telling myself

Awakened

I am feeling tired...stressed and tired, but there is still a lot of work ahead of me over the next week or so.

I feel asleep on the couch again watching cartoon, I watch cartoons in order to free my mind before bed and not think of the news or my body or anything.

My night was filled with dreams of testing, medical tests...reliving some and creating new ones.

Running from an ultrasound machine and looking for a bathroom, thru long corridors of mazed rooms. All while finding people I haven't seen since high school and trying to be polite but still needing to pee and all the while knowing that I only had five minutes to get back to the ultrasound room to finish the exam.

While naming my work yesterday, I dove back into the meaning of the piece; the inspiration, the element that drove me to make it. I know that a lot of my dream is about that.

My therapist use to joke that I had the thinest veil between worlds. I am thankful for that...but sometimes it just doesn't give me a break from myself.

I was feeling quite overwhelmed with emotions yesterday, but had no outlets for them. For some reason I wanted to carry them in my hands like a fluffy baby bird, peeking every once in a while at them from between my fingers. Never really opening my hands and letting it see the big sky. I never cried yesterday...but I feel a long soak coming around the corner.

I have awakened all the emotions, fears, troubles and pains from this road.

I know how deep into the woods that road goes.

The Barreness is standing at the entrance, she has candy and stiff drinks to tempt me.

I think I might make a signpost for myself, as I know how seductive that path is...

I do not want to get lost again.