It is all in a name

Around a table last night while enjoying food and conversation

 the topic of naming body parts came up.

I think my cupcakes really started the conversation... (they were a hit)

The men were talking about how they had named their girlfriends/wives/partners boobies...

and the names began.

Apparently hubby doesn't have a name for my boobies, I simply refer to them as "the girls"

The one that received the most laughter was "Cheech and Chong"

Then the conversation went onto testicles and butts and then

someone said "maybe I should name my ovaries!"

I was still laughing about something else and then my wheels all slammed to a stop....

Name my ovaries...what would I call the troublemakers?!

I mean I am so completely connected to them and they are constantly ruling my behavior and choices that it seems funny I haven't thought of it before and given them names by now.

Plus, this is totally feeding my inner 6th grader, who loved talking crass and thinking up funny names for testicles.

I came up with a name for one and hubby came up with the name for the other:

Quasimodo and plain Jane

6th grader

"Lemon make you happy~ nipple twister" cupcakes

I made these cupcakes for a friend that I know is a "boob-man"

I couldn't resist for some reason.

It just was soooo obvious to me to make these.

I can feel the shift, the "let me, be me" shift.

I am finding myself starting to walk further away from the heartbreak of being childless.

I know I can dive into that pool at any time, trip more likely

and mind you, the walk is a slow one, but I feel like I have started to walk.

That is something.

Now I am faced with this inner 6th grader, the one that wants to wear make-up and dress up in strange outfits, listen to music loud and stay up way way way too late (at least for the outer person to work well or drive safely). I don't really care what my neighbor mommies are doing, in fact I find myself prancing around the house thinking, hahaha I don't have kids I am trying to get to sleep while the sun is still out at 8:30pm.

I think I am in the middle of another growth spurt or something?!

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for my man.

We often ask each other in moments of self doubt and insecurity:

What do you love about me?

When the world beats you up and and then you have to drag your ass home and still be human it helps sometimes to know that you are still worth while to someone.

Well my sweet wonderful man asked this question of me recently and I told him this...

I love that you wait as you turn the compost, so the scrub jays can eat the worms and bugs.

I watched him for half an hour last weekend, carefully turn and shovel the compost pile...watch two very eager and trusting birds swoop down, pick thru the freshly upturned soil and then perch on the wall as hubby turned the soil again to reveal more earthly treats.

I am thankful for that man of mine.

Wordless Wednesday

I got this email from a woman in the same community garden as me...I am really not sure how to respond:

"At the workday when Flora, Fauna and I were talking about extra weight on our bodies and then jokingly we began blaming our children for the weight. I just want you to know that it was silly talk and we or I do feel fortunate to have birthed a child. I come from a a family of 10 children and only the last two of the 10 had children, either by choice or circumstance. Some sibling were satisfied with their choice and some were a bit saddened because of their situation and not having children. But it takes a village to raise a child, and so when we interact with any child either visual or verbally we are giving to them. And so what I'm saying is that, you are a mother in many ways and what you do is amazing!"

* the names have been changed to the Cinderella fairies

I can appreciate that she is being sensitive to my personal situation...but I am not sure how to really react or if I should.

 In some ways I am a touched that she wrote this to smooth whatever hurt feelings she feels might have been poked by overhearing this...in other ways I am a little insulted that she thinks that I could not interpret a casual conversation/bitch session as just that.

What do you think?

Cyst, boom, meh

The Bath by Alfred George Stevens


I should warn you now, I have had a rocky week...I debated writing about it because in many ways I didn't want to think about it again...but being who I am I decided to over share instead.

Hell, if you can not laugh at yourself, who do you have left?
I am about to talk about vaginas, sex and pimples

Lets start with the latest ultrasound, two weeks ago. I have to have them every 4ish months to keep track of my growths. I decided to go off birth control two and a half years ago and since leaving the hormones, I have grown new fibroids and cysts...all of which need to be watched because they tend to want to be overly dramatic and "rockstar" out the room. So I get pelvic ultrasounds to watch them in an effort to stay off BCP, that is my sacrifice.
I travel to a nearby town to have it done in a hospital because after years of having them done, this ONE tech has treated me like a person who has lost.

The results came back the next day and it confirmed everything is still there,
but not growing as fast as it has in the past...
so I have four more months without pills.

Since realizing that we are never gonna get pregnant (without massive assistance) I have been celebrating the joys of being off the pill...mostly that I am far more sane, my hair has stopped falling out in handfuls, and I do not get nightsweats anymore!
Plus....I want to have sex again.

This is a big deal and I am sure I am not the only one who
has experienced that lack of sexdrive after years of IF and medical interventions
and then birth control pills.

Everyone knows that sex is good for you, emotionally, mentally and for your relationship...so I was eager to have that return, because I WANT TO FEEL GOOD!

Friday rolled around and I was ready for our Friday night date (we have them still) But around 2pm I started to feel ill, dizzy and then the cramps began and my back felt like I had carried a load of bricks up a flight of stairs. The rest of the night was spent on the couch with a heat pad and a frown, while hubby made me tea and "cooked dinner"(Chinese takeout)

The rest of the weekend started slow, but I got up to speed soon, and our Friday night plans shifted to Saturday night and we had a great night being together.
We were laughing and happy and then Sunday it happened...the pin prick.

That rolled into a stab, that rolled into a personal investigation of the ladyparts.

I had a lump...a red, round, hard lump.
My poor panic room wasn't even ready for my dash and door slam. I freaked out!!
I mean who wants to find a lump on your lovely lady bits?!

I made a plan that if it hadn't changed in a day I would see the doc.
I thought, maybe we just had too much fun and it took a toll on me.

Well it did change, it got scary looking and hurt more and
I could not ignore it or wish it away so I got into the doc.

I greeted her with, "hey, so I figured I haven't shown you my vagina enough...so here I am"
She laughed at me and we took a look at the MAD, RED, HARD Bump...
she looked at it and said "oh that is a sebaceous cyst. Do you want me to pop it? "
I think that is when I tried to go to my happy place...but I realized it needed to change if I wanted to walk normal....she offered to drain it with something...she described something about something all I heard was LARGE BORE NEEDLE and my mind made everything quiet...

I said I would wait for it to resolve itself, thank you.
Needles/vagina's...I bowed out of that long ago.

As she was writing up the antibiotic prescription I looked down again
and she had blown her lid!!
I was fascinated and freaked and the doc walked over and said
"lets get it all out"...and popped it!
I thought I was going to fall off the table...I remember breathing and then feeling like my whole vagina was in a table-vice.
She took samples and said she was sorry it hurt.
I was told to soak in a bath, several times a day and try and to "get more out".
The more I massage it the better.

OK so sit in a bath and massage myself...this was getting ridiculous.

I have been doing that for the last 24hours, it is the most unsexy, unpleasant way to enjoy a bath.

I got some new bath salt to help it feel less clinical and more...well, less clinical.
10 days of antibiotics and baths, and squeezing (not for the weak)

The one gem I can take away from this is:

I encourage all of you to check your parts, and don't wait to see the doc if something doesn't look right. As embarrassing as it was, I felt empowered that I knew what was normal for me and what wasn't and that I love my vagina enough to protect it from future mishaps.

My name is The Barreness and I grow stuff

Long Long time, like yesterday

I have been filled with sorrow as of late.

I am missing my grandmothers terribly.

One passed away in September 2006, the other in December 2008.

It feels like an eternity ago I was sitting next to either,

or

feeling their hands rounding my back in a hug.

My last words with my Nana, had her laboring for breath.

As I was leaving from a visit, she reached out to me... I turned and asked her what is it ?

What are you wanting to tell me...

and thru labored breath she simply said "I love you" 

I looked at her and told her I loved her too.

Three days later she was laying on her bed, surrounded by family

taking her last breathes thru her fluid filled lungs.

I don't remember my last conversation with my grandmother...

I spoke with her often over the phone, as I was unable to visit her in the care facility she lived.

My grandfather was in one too, and since his death in 1991 I promised I would never go back into one.

Even for my grandmother.

I was a selfish granddaughter that way

So I called a lot and spoke to her on the phone, mailed her pictures of the garden and visited with her at my parents home, away from the memories of a care facility

We carved pumpkins together in October and celebrated my parents anniversary together in November, and I called to wish her a happy Hannukah in the beginning of the month.

Then I got a call to come to the hospital a few days later; she was asleep after another fall and was not going to wake up.

We were surrounding her as well, when she took her last breath

She finally escaped the body that gave her so much pain.

Now years later I am left with the emptiness of not being able to call them.

Not hearing their voice

Smelling their perfume or soft skin

Sometimes I wake from sleep, I can hear their voices say my name

I have stopped having dreams of my grandmother yelling at me,

or

my Nana driving and complaining they got her hair color all wrong

Now I simply just feel left, like they are calling me from far away

They feel so so far away

To Hell With It All

I am having one of those kind of weeks!

I am having trouble focusing on my tasks...hubby is working late all too much.

I am in a state of constant hunger and all I want to do is make it all work.

So tonight I introduce a new theme:

 "To hell with it all"

Maybe if I throw caution to the wind and kick loose a little

I can shake back into place what is out of whack

I wholeheartedly support any of you doing it too!

Life is too short for this bullshit 

Promises

I am working in the studio today and for some reason this just felt right...

ONO - No, No, No (Tom Novy Vocal Mix) by YokoOno

Her description of what inspired the song hit home:

NO, NO, NO was written and sung by a woman who was in such a pain that her heart was cracking while she kept her mind clear so she could survive for herself and for her son. Of course that was me - right after John passed away. When John was still alive, he kept whispering to Sean that he will always be there for Sean and protect him. So when John left, Sean kept saying "Promise is made to be broken." Making it light than what it was. He was in pain. Sean loved this song. Each time when I sung "I don't remember what you promeeesed" and elongated the end of it, he used to let his body go down at the same time to the floor. I remember how hard it was for me to go through that period, especially, knowing how Sean was managing to hide his tears. Yoko

All is quiet

I have been sort of quiet recently

It freaks out hubby because his first response is, something is wrong.

Thanks to the Barreness being part of our lives, we both jump to catastrophizing things first

and then back peddle from there.

I don't think anything is wrong, I am at a low hum.

~

I found myself sitting and watching the little girl across the street

play baseball in her princess dress...

layers of tulle and satin swishing as she ran back and forth

to get the ball she had just hit and return it to her mom who was throwing it to her.

Her father riding his long board skateboard around in circles and rooting her on.

I got lost in that for a while.

~

I saw myself and hubby, in those parents.

I thought of the afternoons that we would have spent, or the ideas we could have shared.

Then I got mad...mad at myself for falling for the Barreness's seductive ways.

She is a sly one, feeding me daydreams

and

spoon feeding me sweetness that she knows makes me sick.

~

So today I am trying to work; work on other things that don't hurt or kick deep down inside me:

Two cups of tea

watering the garden

going over images for new submissions

sending love notes to friends

petting the cats

kissing my hubby

Really...



I have never really dealt with the idea of PMS,

or maybe a better word is, acknowledged.

Before the whole IF nightmare began; I took great pride in the fact that no one really knew when I got my period.

I never talked about it, I was able to do anything I wanted whenever I wanted and it was a badge of honor for me...as I often felt that women were dismissed because of it.

My hubby has an thing on his phone that keeps track of my cycle; he says that it is empowering to know where I am in my body. He wants me to feel the same about it.

Ugh, whatever....

Today though, today I have found myself working uphill to make anything happen.

I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to get dressed.

I got dressed, I fed myself, I went to the garden and turned a water heavy pile of compost.

I came home and found that I just wanted to sit on the couch

watch stupid TV shows and eat the worst food for me in the house.

I am trying to not beat myself up about not being in the studio.

Not being productive

not being useful today.

I am suppose to get my period next week....but that is a whole week away!

I think I have PMS

OMG what has happened to me?!

Fotunate Friday

OK so I missed my Thankful Thursday post...and turned it into this one instead.

As Sunday approaches I decided to take to the garden early yesterday. I got a funny email from a fellow gardener reminding me that my garden was overflowing with food and it I wasn't careful I would "miss the treasures from my garden".

Well I read that after I got past the, boy your garden needs to be tended undertones

I reminded myself that my garden played a key role in my recovery from depression and that it was well worth the early morning trip to tend it.

I am thankful....

As I was quietly pulling the peas and carrots and turnips from the vines and ground I could hear myself breath. I realized I was in active meditation. I was quiet, my mind was quiet and the world around me was calm. Scrub jays were picking at the cleared earth I was leaving behind and feasting on the insects and worms.

I was even.

I was tending to my mother and celebrating her.

My hubby bought tickets to a music thing three or four months ago and told me to mark my calendar for the dinner and music night. I did and realized it was the day before my fathers birthday....it wasn't until about a week ago that we were told that it also fell on MOTHERS DAY

I kissed him and was so sosososososos thankful that we had plans, months before being aware of it, that would keep us from the flurry of the day.

My mother is a wonderful person who has come to understand that I mostly want to run for the hills on Mother's day...and that this day has dramatically shifted me in a way I will never recover from.

She and I spend time together on our whims and are not dictated by a marked day on a calendar.

My Mother-in-law, she simply wants to be acknowledged by hubby and we do that and she is happy.

I sometimes feel badly that I have taken Mother's day away from my mother, like, because of my perception of the day I am not able to celebrate her anymore.

My Aunt use to throw these elaborate parties on Mother's day, she would invite all the women in the family and all the mothers would get gifts and cooed over and told how wonderful they were. I participated in these events for years and years...then when The Barreness moved in I couldn't go.

I was chastised and scolded that I was being selfish.

So I went.

There was a moment at these parties,when all the mothers are given gifts...I remember sitting there with my smile and a sunny made up disposition and watched people on all sides of me being given gifts.

I sat with my plastered smile, paralysed.

Then I remember Hubby simply handing me a fruity something.

I spent the rest of the event holding back tears and wondering why I had folded to family pressure.

From that party on I rejected future invitations, and was scolded and "black listed" for years.

My Aunt even tried to change the name of the event to Women's Day...but still hold it on the same Sunday.

I never went back...It has been 5years and just now, I am not spoken of in hushed whispers.

This is what I think of as Mother's day...isolation, depression and shame.

My garden yesterday wiped that all away.

I think I actually saw The Barreness standing by the fence, pouting.

Thankful Thursday

Thank you all for your warm wonderful birthday wishes!

I was so deeply touched that you sent them.

Thank you most sincerely

I am so thankful to have this blog to express my deep, dark sorrow and dreams.

I am sure I am not the only one, but birthdays are markers of not only time but accomplishments for me.

In many ways far worse then the "high school reunions or post college get together".

I find that for myself, my birthday gives me time to assess what I still would like to accomplish in my life.

~

I feel thankful this year: that I am talking to others about my infertility, I am able to speak frankly about the pain and lifelong ache and

I have add the word hope on my list of words I would like to use in the coming year.

I don't use it even in casual conversations, I would like to use again without reservation or fear.

My Birthday

Today is my birthday....last year when I discovered that it fell at the same time as NIAW I was heartbroken.

I wanted a break from what I carry as the darkest part of my heart.

I realize now that it is not a curse, but a scar, a story.

I am a Barren woman

I have been to dark dark places, I have felt sadness with no end

I have cried to the point of dehydration

I have been lost

and I am still alive.

Busting my myth for NIAW

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I am busting a myth and taking names!

"You did something to cause your infertility that is why you can’t get pregnant"

According to RESOLVE there are few lifestyle choices that cause permanent damage to your fertility. I think when push comes to shove; the easiest path for most is the “blame game”.

For us the first years of our infertility was my fault; according to doctors and family at least.

I cannot tell you how often I heard that I must be doing something wrong… you must not have counted the days correctly. You must not have kept your pelvis tilted long enough? You probably didn’t have sex enough or at the right times.

If they were not focusing on our sex life; they were offering up suggestions for food, exercise, eastern medicine and rituals. In our physicians, friends and families eyes, this was entirely our fault and we had clearly overlooked something. It quickly became insulting and hurtful.

Well we were rabbits! I have been a healthy vegetarian for close to twenty years, I had never drank, I had never smoked, I took my vitamins, I moved my body, I wasn’t overweight or underweight. I was just your average healthy Jane; nothing remarkable or special about me. We explored non-traditional medicines, exercises, meditations and non-evasive medical treatments that fit our beliefs.

When I finally to complained about extreme pain (I waited several months to do this as I thought I needed to suffer to become a mother), I was told that I was overreacting to having painful periods. It was only after advocating for myself that it was discovered that there was a medical reason for my infertility, and it had NOTHING to do with my lifestyle or lack of trying.

My Infertility came from a combination of a birth defect and aggressively relentless fibroids and cysts. Nothing I could have eaten, taken, or chosen did this. Making love 24 hours a day, 7 days a week would never have changed this. It was not my fault and no one is to blame.

It is this message that is the hardest to still get thru people’s minds. The easiest route is to play the blame game; the harder choice is to be empathetic.

Be tough and make the harder choices.

I cried for you

I am feeling sentimental and kind of blue.

When I get that way I turn my thoughts to Paris.

I use to live in that city many years ago.

Not for a long time but for a sometime

an important time in my life.

When I get blue my first thought are of returning there and recapturing that romantic mood and time in my past. It was all mine, I was free in my mind, my soul and my heart. I had not known the heartbreak of a miscarriage or the loss of what I thought my future would hold.

Last night while work I was listening to this song and I was instantly transported and began to cry.

So many women talk of getting away after finding out about their infertility or having a miscarriage. I always fantasize about just that.

Taking an overnight flight, walking into a nice hotel and falling into a bed with crisp white sheets that overlooks a beautiful spot in the city. Sleeping, really sleeping... and feeling the down blankets cradle me and allow me to loose myself in that moment.

Then, awake and find myself wandering pre-dawn streets and smelling the bakeries and feel the cool autumn wind on my face....

last night this gave me no comfort, but merely had me crying.

Thankful Thursday

Seeing as that it seems to be Thursday again

and I am working on changing my normally sarcastic outlook (well,this week)

I decided to focus this energy for the powers of good

*

I am thankful that I have been able to clear a longtime clogged slate of anger

(it is a doosie; so being the experimenter that I am , I thought I would see how long they could keep me from turning away from them, ball is in their court. I showed up to the game) 

I am trying, again

*

I am also thankful that when invited to visit with a long time ago friend I didn't run for the hills when I discovered that she was 8 3/4 months pregnant.

I am thankful indeed

Thankful Thursday

I got a call from a location that had read my proposal.

I have a studio visit next week

I am thankful that someone opened my envelope and thinks my BARREN show is worth exploring further

What's in a name

I have found myself in a loop, a loop like a skipping record.

I am hearing names and remembering all the names I had picked out for children.

It seems to be overwhelming as of late; where conversations I am engaged in mention a person or friend or family member by name and it triggers an instant image of a list of names I had written.

Beautiful wonderful strings of names that, have deep meaning and symbolism to us.

Names that would surely accompany our wonderful children thru life, inspire them to help others, remember where they came from and strive to make things better for those that will follow.

Names that have been collected, researched and gathered since I was a child.

Names that have been in the family for generations, names of lost friends and beloved members of the family, names that carry spiritual meaning

Sacred names, secret names, musical names

All those names seem to be cast off into the wind, I can see them floating in front of me in the breeze.

Dancing and bobbing in the clear air

slowly moving farther and farther away from me

Infertility and pet populations

Yesterday Keiko Zoll brought to my attention this latest campaign from PETA, after reading her statement and the responses from PETA I was moved to sign the petition, please take a moment and consider it too:

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) launched a publicity campaign/contest on March 31, 2011 offering a free vasectomy to a man who spays or neuters his pet during the month of April "in honor of" National Infertility Awareness Week. Instead of honoring this community, PETA has decided that it's acceptable to ridicule, devalue, and trivialize the infertility patient community experience in the name of promoting responsible pet-ownership.
The "Win a Vasectomy" campaign is not only a mockery of everything that National Infertility Awareness Week seeks to promote, but is a cruel execution of a promotional concept at the expense of millions of patients for whom infertility is no laughing matter.


Tell PETA President Ingrid Newkirk that infertility is not a joke and demand an apology for and immediate removal of the link between their campaign and National Infertility Awareness Week.

CLICK HERE TO SIGN PETITION


As a lifelong animal lover, animal rights advocate,vegetarian, and sometimes vegan I am outraged.
I am without words....I signed the petition and have asked others to do the same.

Longing