wordless wednesday

Churning

My goddaughters live next door.

This is a mixed blessing...

We share a single wall.

Next door, the top of the stairs has a landing, that landing is the "time out" zone for the girls....

on the opposite side it is in our kitchen wall.

On Saturday, I was shaken to the core when I heard my goddaughter 

screaming, well more like shrilling in a deeply primal way and stomping her feet.

We could hear her thru the wall and feel her stomps in our floors.

Her screams left me wanting to throw up,

I was panicked, like a wild animal running for the hills during a natural disaster.

I was unable to focus on work and was pacing up and down the hall, my hubby was slowing turning up his amplifier so as to drown out the sounds.

We were both beside ourselves.

We spoke to our friends later that night and came to find out that something has shifted in her.

They are not sure what, but she is angry, mad mad angry.

The fit earlier that day, had her father wrapping himself around her like a bear-hug, so she would not hurt herself or the wall that she was punching and kicking as she let it all out.

I could do nothing and yet, 

I am not sure how I would deal with it if that was my child.

I fear I might run away and hide.

I would run

run 

run

In reflection of this, I am questioning what kind of mother I would have been...maybe this is another form of proof that I was not destined to be a mother. 

When things get hard, and painful my first impulse is to run

Lottery Ticket

My hubby is sort of coming into himself these days....

he is rethinking what makes him happy, what brings him joy,

what he wants to do and how he can follow that;

regardless where he spends his days.

Since the appearance for the work for my show

and

his inclusion of his lullaby,

he has really started to take in the harsh reality of being a family of two.

His reality checks come at strange times for him, and they are never welcomed.

His job has him working in a traditional open room, filled with cubicles; each space personally decorated with a combination of office possessions, plants and family photos.

His company is progressive and has family days, bring your kids to work day, family activities and maternity and paternity leaves.

We will not be using any of those days or do we attend any of those events.

On a recent bring your kids to work day, the company had a play room set up and encouraged workers to take shifts watching the kids play and visit with other coworkers and children...

I got a text saying:  "OMG I forgot it was BYKtWD"

My sweet man was cornered by a co-worker asking why he was not offering to watch the kids?

he simply replied "um, I am just not into that"

the co-worker then said "you don't like kids?!"

hubby said: "actually we tried for a long time to have them and it didn't happen, so I am not really ok around kids"

to that the co-worker said: " oh "

and walked away...

leaving hubby gutted and wanting to disappear.

He is asked repeatedly if he has kids; he has the classic co-worker who has just returned to work from having a baby, she works on the other side of his cubicle; cooing and evangelizing how much better her life is now that she is a mom. Her audience is her boss who is a new dad, so they talk on and off all day long about how wonderful their lives are now.

Yesterday I got another " help" text

Yesterday a young coworker came flying up the aisle of the office waving a piece of paper proclaiming that she has great news. Hubby works with her, and so he peeked out of his cube to see her and the paper picture of her uterus with new dark dot.

He said on the ride home last night that is was really strange for him, that he wanted to be excited but all he could think of was how, "she won the lottery...

A lottery that most people win."

It is at times like this that I often fall back into my own thoughts of shame and guilt.

Ones where I wonder if he should find someone else and start a life with her, make beautiful babies and live the life he was suppose to.

Not one with my faulty uterus and ovaries.

Sometimes I ask him, if he feels cheated or wants to find a new life...

not quite sure if I am really prepared for the answers.

But every time, he looks me in the eye, and tells me he

would rather walk this road with me than any road with anyone else.

For that I am thankful...

even if I never fully get over feeling guilty about it.

I have no words of comfort for him, I know they don't work in situations like this.

The real me

I tend to make grand changes when I decide to change...well I think this falls in line with that element of me.

I have decided to finally come clean....

In an effort to stop waiting, stop holding back, stop stuttering.

I have posted my exhibit for you all to see.

I am trying to get this into other venues around the US or world...I am showing this work to galleries so, why not show my sisterhood?!

See the image on the right?

click it and it links to my exhibit...

I have referred to it many times last year....but now you can see it for yourself.

I am revealing the real me

The long wait

I feel as though I am on the edge of taking a large leap and floating thru the sky never to land.

I said aloud the other day, "I am tired of my life being on hold"...in a strange holding pattern for pregnancy.

I am over 40, have no plans to have assistance in getting pregnant or becoming a mother; and am just now beginning to really see that I have been holding back.

Restraining myself most unconsciously.

After so many years of holding on, holding back and waiting.

Not eating this or eating that...thinking 9-15months ahead of time, wondering, planning, waiting.

Wanting to go here or there, do this or that, but knowing that I needed to be near a doctor or ER.

Saving money here or there not knowing when we might need it for a child or co-payment.

Everytime I moved a piece of furniture, or brought something new into the house wondering how long before I would have to move it out to make room for another person.

I am exhausted and disappointed in all this waiting and restraining.

I feel as though I am on the precipice of personal freedom

I am ready to jump out of the basket I have been carrying around that holds items I have gathered.

I am ready to LIVE again and stop waiting

I want to be free of my baby-hopes and restraints

How I spent my weekend

 I could not get past the first 5minutes of the movie Eat Pray Love,
so instead I spent my time doing something far more meaningful.

 I spent the whole weekend reading this AMAZING book from Lisa Manterfield

 Now you know I wear glasses sometimes and have twinkle lights up still.

Wordless Wednesday

I don't have a lot to say....

I sent my first of what I hope to be many proposals out to a new gallery.

I am trying in my most professional way to convince other galleries that they should host my next show.

Here is what I am telling them:

I have created a series of highly personal images focused on my infertility, these images are intimate and reticent; I have explored what it means to be infertile in a child-centric world. Infertility has colored my thoughts, outlook and perception of the world around me. The inspiration for the show was not only the discovery of my own infertility, but the silence surrounding it. The theme is one that is relatable to a growing population and thought provoking for those affected by it either personally or through relationships.

It is a hard sell, "hey everyone come into a gallery filled with heartache and pain."

But when I get discouraged I remember that someone out there is not understanding how painful it is to live daily like this. I know it does something to a viewer, something quiet but pure.... after viewing my show many people told me that they saw things differently now.

That is what I am hoping to do, change the world.

Wordless Wednesday

if anyone can find sperm art funny my sisterhood can!

snapped before the graffiti police removed it

(click to see detail)

Thankful

She plays coy....but we know her strength

First off I would like to thank the people who are now following my blog.

I have written here for years and in the last 6months I have been "discovered"....in fact the first time I realized I had "followers" I sat and stared at the screen and cried. I am not totally sure why. I think it was a combination of feeling found out, and feeling found.

So thank you ladies for your OVERWHELMINGLY kind words and love.

I do so feel it.

Yesterday was a stop at the NP, I wanted to talk about my plans, and desires for my body.

My primary care doc chose not to call to followup on the results of my MRI from December so I took control and booked an appt with the NP who treats me like a person and hears what I say.

So long crappy primary care doc...and thanks for nothing

When she came in I told her that I wanted to go over my latest results and find out what it really meant. She moved her chair all the way over to me and went thru each of the four lines of findings slowly. 

I pointed out that the cyst had shrunk between the ultrasound and the MRI (one week apart) and she mentioned that it might have ruptured a little after the ultrasound.

She also thinks that the "plucking" feeling I have is most likely Mittleschmerz or middle pain, the feeling of ovulation.

I told her I had not gone back onto the BC pills since I saw her last in Aug (for a stressed tummy) and that although she prescribed them to me, it took months to fill it and then pick it up from the pharmacy.

 It now resides in the cabinet of my bathroom....forgotten most of the time.

I told her the emotion of having to go back on them was too heavy.

I wanted to avoid them for as long as possible. I felt better off of them.

Seeing that I was still doing nothing to shrink the fibroids or the cysts, I was aware I was at risk for torsion and wanted to assess the real facts involved in making this decision.

I also told her I have been fed so many scare speeches, that if she could please simply tell me if I am acting risky. No need to stand in front of a dragon if I don't have to.

After a cyst gets about 3cm she likes to keep a close eye on it. Mine are around that size but I am feeling fine. She said she would prefer to treat me, then the cyst...if I feel fine, then we just keep an eye on the cyst and not go on the pill. I get to have ultrasounds every 4-6months instead.

She told me the warning signs of fallopian tube torsion and I understand the risk.

She told me to that I need to take vitamins and that we will assess my needs as they appear, she will do my annual and we will work together to keep me feeling good!

and that my penchant for chai or green tea is not a caffeine risk.

I felt like a person when I left, I felt normal and ok...I was so empowered that I came home and took a nap!

I awoke from a dream about two weeks ago telling my husband that I have just slain the devil...I slid a sword down its back. It fit into its spine like a sheath, it was not a triumphant feeling, but simply something I knew I could do.

He told me I was a bad-ass, and was glad I was sleeping next to him.

Wordless Wednesday

decisions and choices

Calm

I was calmly walking up and down the fully loaded aisles this afternoon on a break from work.

Well, in between having to make a deposit at the bank and return to a pile of invoices.

I was shopping at my favorite Asian Market this afternoon,

I have known the family since I was 13. Their market moved in next door to our little restaurant way back when and after all my travels in Asia, I have made their shop a monthly ritual for stocking up on long loved items that the grocery store just doesn't have.

I went to high school with the families daughters and we have always been friendly with one another.

Today I was lost in pottery and figuring out which packages of soba noodles I wanted.

I was the only one in store, besides one of the daughters who was running the register. 

( they are twins and I have never been able to tell them apart...I don't hang out enough with them to hear a nuisance in a voice or see a difference in a mannerism) 

Anyways, I am lost in noodles when I hear her say

" You never had kids, huh"

I slowly looked up and said..."we tried for a long time, but it just never happened."

She told me that she is hearing a lot of people tell her recently, and she wondered what was happening.

I casually said, maybe it was all the processed food we were raised on or something.

She said "Yeah, I mean our parents clearly didn't have the same problem"

I am aware of the difference in cultures and the manner and ease that a serious topic can be addressed so casually and this came to mind as I tried to loose myself again in the aisle of bulk spices.

When I finished finding a new variety of miso and loading my basket with bulgar and the like, I took it to the register. We looked and each other and I found myself compelled to complete the thought that she had started.

" We have tried for close to 6 years now and it just doesn't happen"

her response

" Do you know who's fault it is? "

then a voice that was so calm and sure came from my mouth, before I even realized that I had responded

" it is no ones fault. We simply can not stay pregnant"

She said she had seen a science show about infertility and that a woman was talking about miscarriage and that she had lost four pregnancies before deciding that it was too much to bear emotionally and she adopted instead.

I looked at her and said, "yes, it is a horrible experience."

He brother-in-law entered the store with a sleeping baby in a carrier and quickly whisked it off to the back of the shop.

I watched him with my eyes and she looked and me and said, that her nephew takes his nap in back with her parents watching over him.

I paid for my stuff and she said, your brother has kids right? I said yep, I have three nephews and a niece.

At that I wished her a great day and to say hello to her parents for me.

I got into the car and buckled myself in, I decided The Barreness can take care of herself.

a horrible possiblity

I am still on a slippery slope...but feel I am at least moving upwards.

At dinner last night I was feeling lighter then I have been in a few days and then something brought up the topic of acne....and my hubby said " you know the article about accutane " my head stopped and I dipped back below the surface.

I was just 11 or 12 when the dermatologist wanted to start me on the trials of this drug...being 12 I was afraid of needles (the drug required regular blood work while taking it) so I waited until I was 17 to take it. I had HORRIBLE cystic acne, I was on antibiotics for years for it, as well as all sorts of topical creams and dealt with invasive procedures all in hopes to reduce my acne. This acne had already wiped away all my self-esteem and still has it lasting effects to this day with me trusting people.

I was teased horribly for YEARS as an elementary kid, jr high kid and then high schooler.

I had one friend, and she was considered the fat girl that no one talked to.

 I also had braces and glasses...so my image of myself was not a bright one.

I was the stereotype they had in movies.

At 16/17 I finally had had enough and went on the drug, it worked great but after the first round was over my acne came back again...I was told "this only happens in 3% of the cases" well meet miss 3%

so I went on another round and that knocked it all away.

My boyfriend at the time was also on it and we would get our blood work done at the same time,

romantic I know.

So after last nights reminder, I was shot back to being a little kid and my bullies telling me to put my head in a bag as "you are not worth looking at"  that bullies name was James. I remember you.

I wonder if I would have made different choices if I had known that I was possibly taking away my chance to become a mother.

wordless wednesday

Crap

I am currently fighting a case of the blues.

Well, I don't really fight them anymore really. I simply let it come and be...I have found that my past methods of brushing them aside simply piles it all up into a corner and then then tumbles down onto me later when I am feeling like myself and under control.

*

Maybe it is the new years arrival, maybe it is the presence of birth control pills in my house.

The birth announcements, or the season.

Maybe it is something else.

*

Regardless, I am sad and am trying to figure out why

*

I am wanting to turn my life upside down again, like a strong shake will make the last pieces fall into place or something. I go thru these phases of wanting to cut my hair, wear different clothes, become a different person.
These usually fade away with a few baths and I remember that I have not won the lottery so my plans to run away and join the circus are not really do-able yet.
I actually use to practice balancing acts as a child in case the circus needed someone
(but that is another story)

Until I can figure this latest round out, I am quiet, moody and weepy.

Surviving

Santa at the mall

I have been quite moody as of late.

I have been having panic attacks, and sleeping poorly.

I have been dreaming of bugs, and roller skates and babies and waterfalls and all of them have me searching.

I am exhausted when I awake.

I have found myself overwhelmed by the simply things in life, like deciding what to eat for dinner.

I need a break, but I am trying to find a time when that can happen.

I tried to see Santa at the mall with my father; it is a new tradition that we have started. Being a Jewish kid, we were really never part of the magic that is Santa, and my father and mother simply fed us what they were taught too. Now my dad and I try to have a picture taken with Santa, I have told him that it simply means we believe in magic, nothing more nothing less.

He called me and asked if I wanted to go I was delighted by the idea, blinded by what I might encounter.

My parents arrived and we headed to see the bearded man, there was a LONG line filled with babies, toddlers and mothers. I looked at my dad and said " I don't think my management skills are gonna cover me" he looked at me, my mother looked at me...I stood there for a moment longer, assessing the crowd again...and feeling the primal need to run, run away fast and hard....I swallowed hard and said again " I can not do this right now" totally heartbroken.

We left the line and I was shaken to the core.

We walked and really said nothing much more, I found myself apologizing.

Asking for forgiveness for my weakness.

I really wanted to feel the magic, I really wanted that photo with my father, his act of rebellion against all that he was taught. I couldn't have it this year.

As strong as I thought I was, I found myself just as weak.

I did manage to fight back tears, and not cry in front of them.

I am still not sure why I choose to not cry, I am always crying in public places...

but not this time.

Christmas came and went and the new year is around the corner.

We still need to make our holiday cards...

worm hole

I had dreams that I was turning into an earthworm, but couldn't finish the transition as I was stuck at some stage of the metamorphosis.

I called my doctors office yesterday as the waiting was too heavy to continue to carry.

My doctor was not in the office, so I asked to speak with the nurse that has been so so wonderful to talk to on the phone. She came thru again like a magic maker. She looked thru my doctors papers and called me back with results.

She told me that I had a cyst on my ovary, but more importantly, it was fluid filled, no solid mass and did not appear to be malignant or questionable.

Great news....it doesn't look cancerous.

My uterus is tilted and they could see my fibroids.

No new news, or new bad news.

I am back to looking at my prescription for the pill and seeing how I feel about filling it.

Modesty

After a night of childbirth dreams, which I am sure were spurred by my overnight cramping;

 I awoke to my period.

A week early and on the day of my pelvic MRI.

I know now The Barreness is pulling no punches.

I am not going to take any pain meds before the MRI so that all is shown it is glory, no abridged story here.

My sense of modesty has flown out the window, as I called to ask if I can wear a tampon for the MRI.

I feel like I did in Jr High when I got my period at school and had to run home to change clothes.

I am fighting the nausea that the pain brings....I am shaking from the nerves, I am visualizing my ovary surviving its hostile takeover. 

Mellow

© The Barreness
all rights reserved

I have my MRI on tomorrow morning. The location only offers a closed MRI machine so I am being prescribed a "mellow the hell out" pill to make me not think all those horrible things, or at least not care about them while a powerful magnetic field is used to align the magnetization of some atoms in my body, which will create a radio frequency field to systematically alter the alignment of this magnetization. This will cause my nuclei to produce a rotating magnetic field detectable by the scanner—and this information is recorded to construct an image of my uterus, ovaries and pelvis. 

really it is quite scientific, nothing to be emotional about, 

nothing to be freaking out about.

I had an MRI once before, of my brain though 

and I was in an open MRI 

while my hubby held my ankle 

so I wouldn't cry from fear of what they might find.

Hubby has made arrangements to be at this one too, hopefully he can hold whatever part of me is still sticking out of the thing so I don't feel so lost and scared. I don't think I am scared of small spaces, but when I think of it, under the conditions I am there I want a " I don't give a fuck" pill, followed by a long nap of forgetting all my concerns with magical make it all go away dreams.

During my recent panic attacks I have been mad at myself for wanting to try and live off the pill, as this is the reaction. I continued to wait and tempt the Barreness with more opportunities to build new fibroids and cysts and she took that chance and moved in. Now I have something growing in me that is causing concern. I just hope I can get the wheel to start spinning in the other direction and save my ovary from her.

I will know more as the week passes.

I really don't like the feeling of doctors making passing glances at my films and making life altering suggestions for me. The long history of being in this place has left me feeling skeptical of them, I really wanted a healer, a compassionate healer. 

Last Night

Last nights dream was filled with symbols it was like a crazy decorated room:

I was wandering around in a room when my cat came racing in with something in it's mouth...I stopped it and found that he was carrying a kitten, a newly born kitten. I took it from his mouth and handed it to my husband and said "hold this I am going to see where he got it from". Then said that maybe this is why our cat has been so freaked out lately.

On turning around to see where he had run from I saw a pocket in the carpet that had a mama cat and a pool of kittens. She had crazy eyes and pulled the carpet back over herself while asking me to bring back her kitten. I wandered into the next room, that was filled with bathroom stalls, and the largest had the door swing open, and inside was another mama cat with a pool of kittens; as well there was a woman I know (I have just reconnected with) that was in a 50's style dressing gown (sheer puffy sleeved top that separates in front for breast feeding, something I have seen mothers wear in 50's movies while sitting in a hospital bed after having a baby) anyways, this woman was pacing and rubbing her hands, clearing concerned. I asked what was wrong and she described how she had been measuring her belly button so it was big enough for an amnio,something with the number 9 and started to cry. She had had her baby (this woman in awakened life tried IVF several times and never conceived) I hugged her and she whispered to me that she would have to give him up for adoption.

I remember rubbing her back and then leaving her and heading out a door, only to walk over more kittens.

I started to run....up a steep hill and then the hill turned into a series of staircases....and I started running up the stairs and running I said to myself, "I have run a marathon before I can do this"

and then was trying to remember when I had run this marathon....

at this I awoke.

Ode to The Barreness

Is there anybody going to listen to my story
All about the girl who came to stay?
She's the kind of girl you want so much it makes you sorry
Still you don't regret a single day
Ah girl, girl
 

When I think of all the times I tried so hard to leave her
She will turn to me and start to cry
And she promises the earth to me and I believe her
After all this time, I don't know why
Ah girl, girl

She's the kind of girl who puts you down
When friends are there, you feel a fool
When you say she's looking good
She acts as if it's understood
She's cool, oh
Ah girl, girl

Was she told when she was young the pain would lead to pleasure?
Did she understand it when they said
That a man must break his back to earn his day of leisure
Will she still believe it when he's dead?
Ah girl, girl