Fragile

I was rushing off to the ER again yesterday to meet my parents. My mother was in pain once again and her bladder was not letting her sleep; making her go to the bathroom every 15minutes.

As I was racing into town, I sent a text message to a friend
 " mom back in ER, I am off to meet her there"

Within a moment, I got a response
" do you need help"

this caused me to cry....not only was the response immediate, but it was an offer from the heart.

I responded
 " I might need an ear to listen later"

immediately followed with a
 " I am here for you"

I felt comforted...and not alone in my journey back into the dark of emotion.

Last week when my mother was in a sleep deprivation state of delusion (she hadn't slept in 4 days and was given an anti anxiety drug to help her sleep; but all it did was agitate her further) she started directing her anger at me.
My father was not allowed in the room (she didn't want to see him) and so heartbroken,
he sat all day in the waiting area.

My mother was convinced that we had put her away. 

I had disappointed her terribly and that "you don't know what it means to give motherly love"

(that was the mildest of her thinking about me) 

after being berated for over two hours I finally called in my brother.

text read:

" I need your help, mom is convinced we have put her away"

My brother arrived and repeated the words I had been saying to her for hours:

No you can not go home yet, you are not healthy enough to go home

Don't pull on your catheter

Your oxygen needs to be in your nose

You can not stand up, your legs are weak from being in bed for four days

She heard him, and aside from removing the batteries from her heart monitor
she behaved herself for him and her nurses.

She refused to make eye contact with me,
 and when she finally fell asleep at 5pm on the 4th day, she slept for 8.5 hours.

I spent the night in the hospital (dad was not allowed in the room still and my brother needed to get back to work), so they wouldn't restain her;
 I feared when she came to from her sleep she would feak out she was restained
 and I got her cathater removed so she " had no strings"

I stayed awake all night.
Watching her and making sure she was safe

When sleeping beauty awoke from her first slumber, she was confused but remembered that she had said some really mean things to me, and started to cry.

I held it together, just barely...

She thought she was in a mental health ward, I told her she was in the hospital

She had a lot of gray areas, and I was happy to answer any questions she had.

I stayed until my father arrived and they were kissing and my dad was proposing to her again.

Then I drove home and took a nap.

I was shaking for most of that day.

Yesterday when the ER call came, I went into "figure it all out" mode again.

I left the house this time and set up a catch-net for myself.

I cried on the way there, and by the time I arrived I was together and able to listen to what doctors said, what my mother wanted and what my father needed.

Consoling my father and advising my mother

When I arrived home at the end of the day Hubby made me a HUGE bowl of Mac and Cheese
 and I sat in my PJ's staring at the wall for a while.

When I finally said something I said: "we are all so fragile"

dazed and emotional-wordless wednesday

This was my everything since Friday afternoon:

My mother was rushed to the ER on Friday and it was discovered that she had a kidney infection that had gone septic, completely dehydrated and dropped her blood pressure to deathly levels.

She is home now

I am speechless today.

Call for artists and creative peeps!!

For detail and entry info click: HERE

Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday-

Remembering to keep believing, in yourself and others

Friday

It is Friday!

I have been in the studio and in the office all week and I really don't have any real thoughts.

I am in a good mood and making things again, so that my mind has less ammunition to attack me with.

I thought I would post a pic of my cat...well one of them.

I have two that I live with

(if you are a cat person you understand that he shares his home with you, not the other way around)

No I am not a crazy cat lady, and as Nicole points out: nor is my cat a kid replacement...

he is a great companion that serves as a company keeper, mood enhancer and bed warmer. 

His thoughts today:

Tonight is the first night of Passover, and my parents home will be filled with all the family that makes me the least comfortable.

There is a group of comfortable family and a group of family that makes me feel judged...

tonight is a night of judges. ugh

I hope that this weekend will counterbalance tonight and be filled with more studio time and a bright and quiet Easter on Sunday.

I wish you all

A Happy Easter and a merry Passover

Friday Funny

I needed a laugh and this fit the bill!

5 minutes of a laughter and carefree singing

*Pop*

Clarence White
American, 1871–1925
Blowing Bubbles, ca. 1900
Vintage cyanotype

I got the depression bubble to pop!

It took a GREAT DEAL of effort, I am not going to lie.

It got dark friends...real dark...I went to places I hadn't visited in a long time.

It was a scary walk through a quiet and dank place.

I even thought about calling my therapist, someone I haven't seen in almost two years; but she gave me the tools and I remembered them as I hung from my fingertips off that cliff.

I worked through it, and used words when questioned in my corner.

I allowed my hubby to see that I was struggling, and he knew what and where I was on my journey. I cried finally and figured out what I was so angry and sad about and then the bubble popped!

It felt so liberating and logical,

I didn't dismiss the process or the work.

It truly SUCKED

Saturday night I had a chance run-in with a collector of my work.

The first question he always has is "You making new work?!"  

I answered that I was trying.

....but as hubby and I were walking away he looked at me and said:

"you are always working on something, even when you are not using your hands, you are thinking of new things and brainstorming about others"

This was something I heard: louder then my mean destructive voices, stronger then the giggles The Barreness was whispering into my ear, and clearer then the dark humm of chaos.

***

Yesterday I spent in the studio, finally!

I took breaks for hugs from hubby

it was like having extra mortar added to my newly restored foundation.

Fighting it all

So I am sure a few of you might have picked up on me fighting some blues these days...

maybe it is a post travel blues thing, maybe it is the creative slump I am in

whatever it is I am fighting it tooth and nail and

trying to find what the switch is and how to turn it in another direction.

The girls day was nice, but I felt so unbelievably lonely when the ladies all went home.

It was like my house was three times quieter and I was sitting there with plates of half eaten food, buzzing from 4 or more cups of tea.

Hubby was gone and I had no one to call...so I left the house and went to wander.

I left he house in an effort to not sit in front of the tv and then hours later

 wonder " what have I been doing with my life?"

I went to the music store.

Yes, I still buy music from an independent music store, I buy whole CD's worth of music and I love LOVE cruising thru bins and aisles of music.

Thank goodness for the "music listening stations" or else I would buy music based on my aesthetic whims and

that has not turned out well in the past.

I bought two CD's I have been thinking about:

The Civil Wars


and the newest
 Radio Head

I am not totally in love with either yet.
but they are growing on me...

In the meantime I got three TOTALLY AWESOME hand mixed CD's from Nicole

I literally cried, I was so touched and excited. What a superhero that woman is!

This last Friday I got to have a date night with hubby. I took him out to dinner and then we were going to see a movie, but the movie we wanted to see got panned and we were not intoxicated enough to forgive that off so we skipped the film and ended up in the music store again.

This time we both spent a good bit of time finding little gems.

Hubby listens to a lot of metal; I can list his purchases if you are interested
We listen to a wide range of music to say the least

This time I bought these albums:

Foster the People

James Brown

Tennis

Cults

I can say I am happier out the gate with these

For me, Music is good, it helps me in moods that I can not seem to control.

Like a scout, leading me through emotions that I either need to deal with or need to walk past.

Needless to say, I am still fighting my fight, but now I have a better soundtrack then my mean voices looping and trying to set me into a downward tailspin

Wordless Wednesday

Treats for you: treats for me

How to make this cake: HERE

It was amazing!

I had no control over the size of the slice, my host handed it to me like this

I didn't finish it, mostly because I had already climbed the walls and offered to clean her rain gutters from all the sugar : )

mmmmmmm sugar

Well try as I might, I keep finding little reminders of my phone call from the nurse all over the house....

and it is depressing the hell out of me.

So, I have invited pretty much every lady I know over to my house tomorrow.

I figured nothing would make me feel better then a good ol'girls day.

I am making a hazelnut cake, and some other little things to snack on.

 Then I will sit on my couch and wait for some friends to arrive thru the day.

Hubby is off to Vegas for a weekend with friends and a celebration of his birthday.

The last thing I need right now is a weekend alone to JUST THINK

that never really spins into a good thing

I am also still working on my 3000 photos from Ireland and I thought you all needed a little break from all this doom and gloom too, so here are a few for your enjoyment:

The Inagh Valley-said to have inspired the creation of fairy tales

Me walking the ruins at Clonmacnoise, founded in 545

Guerrilla knitters in Sligo

Hubby overlooking the Burren

a typical town pub, the two men seen are a fisherman and an undertaker

The games we play

The nurse called today with my results..."blablalalababab"

Yeas, same shit, new shit, but mostly I don't want to deal with it.

She ended the call with words I have heard before,

the brush off words, the, we don't know what else to do words...

the we don't want to have to constantly deal with this phrase

" You should really contact the OB/GYN department about this"

My response was one word: "Why?"

The Barreness has been busy: New cyst, new changes in the old one she has been tending

to for the last few years.

New count on the fibroids

Damn that bitch

Post valentines day

Many believed that valentines day is a special overly love filled day created by commercial media groups to rake up additional sales. In many ways that is true...

In light of this, I try to flip it a little and take moments out of the day to think about love in general. How can I give more, believe I should receive more and do more loving things.

All these thoughts do not require purchasing anything.
My hubby is a romantic and the night before he asked me what I wanted for valentines day.

Seeing that he was asking me in the dark while in bed and at 11:30pm

I made up a list that is as follows:

I would like:

truckloads of jewelry

hour after hour of flowers being delivered to me at work

A personally designed sunset

a Unicorn with a rainbow mane

and world peace

Hubby quietly responded " um, I see where you are coming from but a personally designed sunset is gonna be kind of hard"

At hearing this we broke into hysterical laughter and fell asleep

the pre-ultrasound breakfast of bladder expansion

Today as a"treat to myself" I went and got my quarterly ultrasound...well I haven't gone since June, so it was pretty long overdue...and after last months kick in the uterus I was a bit more motivated to "see" what The Barreness had done to the place.

I got a last year student and my normal wonderful tech.

To see this talented and kind tech, I have to check into the hospital before each ultrasound.

The part I dread the most is the "full bladder" part, it still makes me the most anxious...you can probe me for half an hour or more and I could care less; but the full bladder things fucks with my mind.

**

Well today I got an extra treat, today they decided to try a "3D" image of my whacky ladybits.

The student kept saying "I know how to put together the baby face, but this one is new" it required taking extra pics of my uterus that they then piece together for a 3D image.

If it works out I should be able to request it in about a week.

That could be cool!

I left feeling that everything was ok, and that this is my normal...I can stay here for a couple days until the results come in and reality strikes again.

So, however you chose to acknowledge Feb 14th, I hope that the day was a little different and you did something nice for yourself.

A little sweetness

Last weekend we had a mini getaway....mostly from our colds!

We refused to stay indoors anymore, so we drove to pick up our wine (yea we belong to a wine club)

Needless to say, I had to get these:

wine infused cupcakes, they are made to pair with the wines we went to pick up.

I do have to admit, this was not the first time I had them, in fact I get them every time

Find some sweetness this weekend ladies...it may only be for a moment but it is all yours to have!

Musical Interlude

I don't care if they really made the music this way...it feeds the Rube Goldberg geek in me.

OK Go - Needing/Getting - Music - More Music Videos

Ramble On...

Aside from the deep sorrow of losing people in my life; I find witnessing others struggle in that grief just as heartbreaking. Maybe even more so....

I was asked over and over again after the services "how are those beautiful children of mine"

It wasn't until the third of the 5 times I was asked, did I realize it was my brothers children they were remembering and wanting to talk about.

One woman even said "well, when are you going to get some?"

I laughed and said with a deadpan face "I am not"

ugh, I chalked it up to the awkwardness of the situation and the desire to find small talk and children are the easiest of topics for most.

My parents witnessed much of it and simply smiled at me as I swung my combat sword and responded in a composed and refined manner.

The kicker was when another survivor was telling her story (it is part of our history, so it is important to hear again and again and share with others...forgive but never forget) I did not know her story so I sat and listened...it was fascinating and detailed.

Then she called me closer and I sat beside her as she said

(I swear I am not making this up and she did not know who I was or anything about me)

"  I didn't believe in god after I was placed in the camps. It wasn't until I finally got pregnant that I knew god existed. All my life all I wanted to be was a mother, it took two years after liberation to get pregnant. Being a mother is the most important thing."

At that, I stood up, thanked her for sharing her story with me, and quietly walked into a distant bathroom and cried. It felt like a pitchfork was stuck into my chest.

I clearly did not believe in god enough....

I hope to not have to go to a funeral for a long while, I am pretty emotionally cooked.

***

I am slowly, SLOWLY, going thru images I took while away. I took close to 3000 images from the 10days I was gone. well, 8 if you count travel to and from when I really didn't take any pics en route. well not real ones, point in case:

veggie meal en route to Ireland

The gallery was busy all night for the reception, it was a very surreal experience but I am so THANKFUL to have been there to watch it all!

Stylish lady looking at my piece opening night

 Before leaving I contacted an IF support group (they have a 24hr suicide prevention hotline as part of their support services) in hopes to get their thoughts on submitting my IF show in Ireland. I received a very kind but short note back from them that said

"Dear Barreness,

Many thanks for your email. I forwarded your email to our chairperson but I know she is extremely busy so I am not sure if she has had a chance to reply.

I would be interested to find out if you have a positive response from Irish galleries - you might let us know and we could post a link on our website.

Best regards,
Wendy"

When I hand delivered my proposal on CD to a very well established gallery and gave my "elevator speech" to the director as we walked up a flight of stairs leading to her office that my work might be considered controversial as it is about my infertility.

There were two people at the top of the stairs that stopped dead in their tracks and froze.

When we made it to them at the top of the stairs and passed them, they just stared at me like I had said I was going to bomb the place. The director smiled graciously at me, allowed me to see the show they had just hung and went into her office.

As I left I thanked them again and passed the two people who were still just staring at me in silence.

I know that none of this is suppose to be easy.

I prepare and work really hard for every little thing I aim for.

I don't get anything easy, never have and never will...

These days

I am feeling tested and taunted



Tearful Tuesday

*thank you so much for your kind words*

Ok, so I needed a new reason to be crying....this time it is from laughter!

Laugh today sisters....

Selective Memory

Today I attended the funeral of a woman I considered another grandmother.

I attended the funeral of her daughter earlier this week and while driving from that funeral to the afterfood/social gathering we got a phone call that her mother had passed. 

It was beyond surreal.

Today is the anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz; 67 years ago today.

For many this is a reminder of horrible history, for Helen it marks her liberation as well as the day she was laid to rest.

(the connections were not lost on any of us)

We remember how she and two siblings were all that remained of her family of 8.

Her best friend was at the funeral; the woman she befriended in the camps and then walked the death marches next to, shared stolen food with, and

who married her surviving brother and became her sister-in-law.

Helen was an amazingly strong woman, and from a very early age I was told that she was a survivor. She never spoke of the camps openly, it was always something you had to ask about. She wore shirts that hid her number, and when she caught sight of it showing was quick to cover it again. 

While visiting with her back in 1998, she was talking about how she was marched out of her home in 1942 and had never gone back.

She could never go back.

 She was convinced that her home was destroyed when the Nazi's cleared the Częstochowa Ghetto

Hearing this and loving her as much as I do, I told her I would go to Poland and look for her home.

I carried a little piece of paper in my pocket that had her street name, and the correct spelling of her town and went to Europe in her place.

I found her street, I found her home, I sent her a postcard from her town and I brought her pictures I had taken.

When seeing the images, she cried and started telling stories about living in that home.

It prompted her grandchildren to go there a few years later and see the home themselves and asks neighbors if anyone remembered their grandmother.

She loved family, had a wicked sense of humor and was egged to be even more mischievous when she was in the company of either of my grandmothers.

When I turned 21, my Nana asked me to pick 5 people to celebrate with me.

I picked my "grandmothers", 4 women that were grandmothers to me and my bestest friend.

My Nana took us all to....Chippendale's!

Aside from the awkwardness of being in a strip club with my grandmothers, it quickly faded away when I saw these woman, laughing and squealing and flirting with the strippers.

That is what I remember about the night, not the oiled men, or what I saw them do, but instead these amazing women, being girls...being girls with me.

Ever since that night, every time I saw her she would kiss me, and while hugging me say in my ear

"when are we going to see the big men again?" raising her eyebrows and smirking.

This is how I will remember her, smiling, smirking and giggling.

I miss her terribly and she is only been gone for two days.

 

Here are your big men Helen:

Blown away

The winds were strong, and cold and quieted my mind.

I am thankful for that.

My return was greeted with rough, tumbling winds, and I am spending my first week back attending funerals.
Two: a mother and daughter.

My heart is heavy with empathy and reflection

I am thankful, humbled, and inspired by you

she came and kicked my ass

Be careful what you ask for....

The Barreness came, kicked me as hard as she could in my uterus, making me puke and shit myself all at the same time, then left me bruised and sore for the last two days.

...but it appears that my period is almost over and I get on a plane tomorrow.

I will not be as swollen as I thought when I stand in the gallery overseas talking about my artwork with other artists!

Yeah

Moral:

Don't taunt mother nature

cause if you do it will bust your ass and leave ya bleedin'

*

I'll be MIA for a week or so, but I will report back with a pic or two

Promise

thank you sisterhood

xoxoxo

Waiting and waiting.....

So I counted days and by gosh I am suppose to have good old AF by now...days before the trip.

The last time we went on a big trip I got it the day before and was whacked out on pain pills the whole time...this time I want it to be different! I want to have fun and not cry the whole time!

Plus I have a great dress I would like to stand up strait in

and not be fighting the urge to hurl the whole time.

So as I wait, I search for funny pics and I found this site: Menstrual Pinups

Altered in photoshop, all have visible signs of the their periods.

Consider it an invitation to arrive AF, come on, I know you wanna be here.....