Thursday, June 27, 2013

Shifts and Alterations

      Mind you this is literally day one, but I am making plans!
I got my blood results back and aside from needing to take a multivitamin,
my cholesterol is acting all wackadoodle!
I have been a lacto-ovo vegetarian for 23years, often flirting with veganism...
I don't drink milk, but I really love goat cheese.
Normally this fat in the blood thing doesn't come into play...
but as I age I am finding that genetics might be factoring into things.
My father has to take meds for cholestrol, but he kind of uses it as a "this will fix my food choices" medication and his doctor really doesn't care. I love him, but he also considers fast food a realistic option for meals on a regular basis, and runs from most veggies.
For me, the only thing that has changed from last years results when I had a lower level,
is that I am back on BCP and I am drinking a lot of black tea.
green tea this morning
I did some research on the "dr googles" and found that the BCP can effect triglyceride levels.
I love scapegoating the pill, it is a double edged aide in my life.
My doctors have had me do this before; I have swapped out egg whites for whole eggs,
and stopped eating cheese (and just about went insane) and my level lowered a little
...but not significantly.
So this time I am attacking the results in a new way.
I am stopping my morning black cup of tea with 2teaspoons of sugar.
( I will allow myself a cup of almond milk chai 2x a week, I have to not punish myself)
I am also researching the anti-inflammatory diet for controlling/suppressing endo.
That also suggests moving to green and oolong teas
(there are now a MILLION tea shops so I am sure there will be a good replacement)
So this swap will be two-fold
I am also getting an indoor exercise thing, jump rope or something like it.
I figure I can attack stress this way too and do little workouts throughout the day instead of the daunting "chunk of time" that always seems to allude me with my upside down schedule.
(I get up at 5am for work commute for an hour to work, but home often takes longer and I am often home after 6pm....then dinner and email and bed by 10...on days without classes or business meetings after work)

I am pissed about this result...I have spent a good portion of my life controlling what I eat and to further reduce my options drives me nuts and feeds that destructive part of my brain that makes me think I am fat and lazy and unpretty because of a number.

So I am calling in my "I'm gonna handle this inner femme fatale"
and instead of being really angry, I am just gonna fight back.

Deep down, I fear the number will not really reduce that much,
but I want to at least feel like I am trying everything.
Sound familiar?!

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

A Glimpse


The Barren and I went to breakfast alone on Saturday morning.
We woke up early and drove to a new bakery, ordered a handmade pastry, and ate outside.
I had my feet up, barefoot on a chair, he and I were shaded under a big flowering tree.
We watched the traffic go by, people watched and commented.
A slow start to the day, with gentle wind and giggles.

A young family arrived as were wrapping up our meal, we watched them. Chasing the littlest one, closing the iron gate into the courtyard we were sitting in so the little one wouldn't dash out into traffic. Changing the set up of the seating area. We admired the kids, and the calm nature of the family but didn't seem to be saddened by this missed moment in our lives.
We were relishing the alone time we had, the freedom of movement we possessed.

We left, and went home, passing time before heading to a friend's party.
There was a half hour before the start time of the festivities and at that moment, as we heard the neighborhood children playing outside, screaming and running; we decided to make love.
Right in the middle of the day, with the door to our bedroom open.
It was passionate and spontaneous and we didn't have to plan around children.

It was a moment in time when I saw what was ahead for us.

We had freedom unlike the other people in our small community of neighbors.
We walked to the party afterwards, a little late, and enjoyed the rest of the day with friends.
There were children at the party, and their nearby parents.
People that are trying to become parents and people who don't want to be parents.
Throughout the party when The Barren found me he covered me in kisses,
when I came up to him I walked up and did the same.

It was almost like a dream, so smooth and calm and serene.
If that is my future with The Barren, then I can walk a little more confidently into it.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Sick and tired

Sorry for being MIA for a while there, I got my annual cootie and it has stuck around far far far longer then I had patience for.
Let me back track...
After the ultrasound I went to get a massage, because I was sooooooooooo freaked out and worked up over it. I haven't had a massage in over a year and just wanted a "relax all is really gonna be fine" kind of massage...
Well the massage woman pretty much bruised me and then rubbed my feet to make me fall asleep and then sent me on my way...
Clearly she wielded some hypnotic powers over me as I walked out of the spa, sliding in my sandals from all the oil on my skin and cruised right into the children's clothing store next door and bought two things for what will be a new niece or nephew at the end of August.
I was only hearing the sounds of chimes from the darkened massage room as I shopped next to the overly pregnant shoppers, still unaware of the cootie that had been released within.
A day later I had a funny crackle in my chest, and by that night a low fever and sore throat.
I usually give myself 48hours of "icky" time, I can only really deal with being that patient with a cold. Well, this one had other plans as after 48hrs, it got worse and had me in my doctors office asking her to drain my head and replace my throat. Sadly because I am allergic to all things holy in cough medicine I had to play "medicine cabinet petri dish" with over the counter cold medicine to find the right combination of things that would suppress the rib cracking cough.
I got no sleep for over four nights and then on Monday The Barren cracked the code:
1. when settling into sleep, sip water every 5 seconds for three minutes
2. take a cap full of DayQuil
3. after one hour had passed, take an expired benydrl and wait...
4. fall into a coma so deep the cough can not permeate it
5. avoid the alarm clock at 5am and snooze until 5:45 then
6. soak self in shower and start your day of work.
I am sleeping on my own now and playing catch up....
I ended up spending a week at home, moaning groaning and pacing
I was BEYOND bored and exhausted
When I sat still, I was freaking out over all the deadlines that were passing me, and how much more behind I would be. When I tried to work, it would lead to hours staring and when I typed something, it looked something like this:
"I am in this thing, it is big and interesting, you should see it"
I decided to spare you from those colorful descriptions and grand scenes.
I also now have a new appreciation of what the cats feel like, as thrilled as they were with their couch was here ALL the time, I know what it feels like to be an indoor cat.
Wake up change places of sitting,
watch birds on patio,
drink water,
move to new sitting place,
snack on something unpleasing,
sleep, move to new sitting space...repeat
My cell phone was filled with pictures of the cats,
as they were my constant companions
when I was sitting up

When I was leaning back

I am a horrible patient and have no patience for colds.
Thankfully, this one has started moving out.
The Barren was sad to hear " the raspy 5pack a day cigarette " voice leave.
apparently that is his favorite part of my colds.
Me being a total stubborn person that doesn't want to do anything suggested for the first two days is his least favorite part.
I promise my next post will be better....

Saturday, June 08, 2013

and the results say...

After dealing with a mountain of nerves in the anticipation and an exploding stomach
(from said nerves)
I went and got my (self advocated) 6.5 month ultrasound recheck post surgery.
I travel to another nearby town to check into a hospital and have the most rockstar tech, Ms. Fabulous, perform my test. She is a transplant to the country and use to be a high risk pregnancy nurse. She is crazy compassionate and I have been talking with her for so many years now, we have shared portions of our stories while she is "wanding" me. She is also a teaching tech, so she often has other women techs with her. Yesterday was no exception...well yesterday was exceptional. I don't care for the exam, I am sure no one does, but after about 20 of them they don't bother me. I do not like the preparation bladder expansion portion, as I need to drive half an hour to get to the hospital, so the drive is me hoping that I have consumed enough water to blow up my bladder but no so much that I piss myself when I arrive.
Ms. Fabulous, got me into the room and introduced me to the tech, asked why I was there-you know the general stuff and when I told her about the surgery and I had two really bad cycles that scared me; I was self advocating and getting this exam to make sure nothing new was filling the space.
The tech looked at me and told me she had a cyst that took her ovary at 20, and that they did a c-section size surgery to remove the ovary. She was now past menopause and was glad to be done with the pain of endo. She told me she felt for me. (that was nice)
As Ms. Fabulous started the exam, we laughed chatted and she said she could see my "guys" which is what we call the fibroids (Ms Fabulous says cysts and fibroids are boys) then my uterus came on screen and I said "there is my girl!" She smiled and she typed uterus on the screen...the student asked if I had children...I said no, that is what my last 8 years was a quest for...but it didn't happen.
She was quiet. Then Ms Fabulous told me her mother called telling her that her daughter could not possibly be happy without children (Ms Fabulous doesn't have kids) we commiserated that parents often don't get it. I told her that my MIL told me she was disappointed we didn't adopt and that it was easy. The student piped in and said " UM no it is not, I adopted and it was one of the hardest longest things I did" I told her I told my MIL we couldn't bear another heartbreak.
We had formed a solidarity in that darkened room, with a wand up my vagina admiring my uterus that I have fought so hard to keep.
The very early unofficial reports are in, well according to my AMAZING ultrasound tech, she confirmed that my left ovary still has no additional growths.
She had a hard time finding my right ovary because
the endo has pulled it pretty far behind my uterus but she did.
She told me I had "small birth controlled ovaries", she said that she had to triple check as she has become so familiar with my endometrioma that she couldn't believe she was looking at my reproductive system.
I thanked her as always for sharing what she saw, that I never hold her to her word, as I know she is not suppose to say a thing...but I am so glad she does, because a weekend of worry is not healthy and she agrees. I left feeling strangely normal and unconcerned.
I had booked a massage to follow the ultrasound, as I knew I would be pretty worked up about it.
The masseuse, was OK, I am bruised today, which doesn't feel very relaxing...but I can float over that, as I am holding onto the potential good news for now.
The nurse from my doctors office should call with the results Monday or so and
say her famous first words to me:
"Hi honey it is me, well you have fibroids but you know that already...."

Wednesday, June 05, 2013


I seem to be hiding, well not obviously hiding but, symbolically speaking.
I have spent way too much time with a project that should have taken a week to complete but instead we are looking at over a month now...and I am putting myself up against a wall to the deadline.
It is like I am finding distractions or something.
Remember how I told you I had signed up for a figure drawing class. Well I pretty much have found an excuse to skip it almost every week since I first signed up. Too tired, uninspired...not wanting to go. I can figure a myriad of reasons not to go, and
we are talking about a class that is for MY PLEASURE.
Well I dragged my ass back to class this week, it probably helped that the instructor decided that the punch card had an expiration date and my penny wise self decided that $50 for a single class was too much, so I better go and get my monies worth.
I was the first one there, and then I was in the car ready to talk myself out of staying,
waiting to see if anyone else was going to arrive, and then they did.
So I went in, got a spot and cleared my mind...
I was going to draw, it was good for me...
it will clear this desire to procrastinate...
buying dresses online instead of work on art pieces isn't gonna swing anymore
and this will help me reintroduce myself to my inner workings.

The model arrived, she was young and appeared to be a dancer maybe...
she had long legs and arms and was stretching a lot.
The classroom filled with people and drawing boards.
She remained clothed and once the posing started it was obvious this was one of her first gigs.
She stood, bent and then sat.
She was not dynamic, not inspired, not practiced at posing.
She wasn't able to hold still for even the 1 minute warm ups
I think she had a crush on one of the male artists in class,
as her eyes (then head) kept turning towards him.
I was less then inspired and starting fighting with the "flee, run from here and hide" voice in my head.

When it was time for her first "long pose", 20minutes, she proceeded to curl into a fetal ball on top of the table and fight falling asleep.
She hid all her lines, and shifted multiple times.
She was hiding from the artists gaze; it was clear to me that she wanted to disappear.
I ended up doing blind contour drawings for the rest of the time.
(blind contour is an exercise in looking. You only look at the subject and keep your pencil on the paper and draw what you see, never looking at what you are drawing until you are done.
note image above)
I drew multiple pieces and then started to simply write what I was seeing,
I was loosing my fight with the "run and hides"
The class had started with the teachers ipod playing the whole first side of Strange Days it was mixed with the sounds from the next door studio; which was playing rehearsal music for the troop of ballet dancers, classical piano pieces. When the instructor realized the slurry of sounds, we had heard it for half an hour. She turned off her music and it was strangely quiet, but for the looped classical music now and then.
I made it an hour...I told the teacher I got a text and needed to leave.
this is what I wrote when I was not drawing:

The dog entered the room and serpentine through the easels
eager to greet every artist in the room.
The room was quiet but for the sounds coal, ink and brush on paper,
or erasers pulling coal from paper.
I can hear the almost muted sounds from a nearby set of headphones.
The sounds of ballet instruction bleeds through the walls-
the thumps of dancers landing on floors is synchronized.  
The model, despondent, laid on a piece of foam, on a counter, on top of cabinets
illuminated by three stainless floodlights.

I felt it was best I leave, as I was fearful I would start to grimace or simply stare at the wall or her the rest of the time. That would be creepy and weird, I couldn't be those things.
 So I went home and spent the night wrestling with my choices.
The ones I was struggling with for the timeline,
the media that was mocking me,
the desires I wanted to recapture.
I might be hiding, I admit it.
Is it bad that I am hoping this respite turns out to be a metamorphosis?
 is that to much to ask of myself, of my destiny?
If I am the master of my destiny, can I not want that?
Or is wanting a bad thing?
I am new at shaping my life, I normally didn't put much thought into it seems that if I don't pay attention it will be shaped for me in my absence.
That is a big deal
How do you run towards something?
When you are fearful that it might make you feel exposed?