On this day

*I didn't want to write about this, but after meditating on why it became obvious I needed to*

I don't watch television or listen to the radio on this day...I don't like to remember this day.

This day was a devastating day for too many people (understatement)

and I don't like to relive it or be reminded of it.

It is not that I do not acknowledge it, or honor it...it is simply too too painful still.

Five years ago in the early morning hours I was sitting on my Nana's bed, whispering into her ear, smiling with a brave face and taking deep breaths for her. She meanwhile was struggling to take her own air and was slowly slipping into her next journey...

I know she if fine, she told me so...but it still hurts.

10years ago I was working at a map company and my job RADICALLY changed from a simple customer service person, to a witness, a confidant, and a person of interest. I was thrown into the chaos of the day, all while trying to comprehend what was happening and terrified of the immediate hate that that would be set into motion. The simple interesting job that I had taken on a mere year beforehand was now all consuming in my dreams and thoughts.

This day set into motion several more years of nightmarish phone conversations

from strangers and officials.

I don't like to remember this day; not because I do not care, but because I care so so very much.

Cry me a river

Today we went to a bar mitzvah, I am pretty sure everyone knows what that is so I am not going to link it to a wiki explanation. It was for a son of a second or third cousin...regardless, someone we keep in contact with but are far from close to.

I have no idea what the teen is like to talk to, or what his favorite food is.

I simply know he is family and that it was important to acknowledge this passage into adulthood.

We got there a little early, found a seat and started to watch people arrive.

We are not religious people, so when in a house of worship, we take the time to look around

and take in all the treasures, this place looked like the inside of a ship...like we were inside an ark.

It was pretty cool and intimate; we didn't feel lost in a big building or

removed from where the service was being held.

When the ceremony started we followed along and sang the hymns we knew and followed the instructions of the rabbi. It was mellow and we didn't feel silly for not knowing the words or a prayer.

Once the Bar Mitzvah boy took the stage we all smiled and encouraged him along. He did wonderful, seemed calm and ready for his reading.

( he arrived with bright green headphones on, mouthing words to himself it was cute)

When he finally read his portion I started to feel weepy...I am not sure why, but I kept it together...trying to follow along. I mean why cry at a Bar Mitzvah?!

Who does that!

When his parents came up to present him with his personal prayer shawl, I began to cry, then his mom and dad spoke and offered words of love and advice and I couldn't keep it in any longer,

I let myself cry.

Hubby saw this and simply placed his hand on my leg and kept it there...letting me know I was not alone.

When the service was finished I went to the bathroom, and found other women there who were checking their mascara. They were expressing what a beautiful service it was and how they were crying at the mothers words to her son.

I stayed in the stall for as long as I could, allowing the others to clear out before checking my own makeup.

I found hubby outside and chatting with some other family, we shared some conversations with my godparents and the bar mitzvah boy's grandparents. It was at this moment I decided to not attend the reception. Hubby was fine with this, although it did seem to disappoint our family a little.

(I am a big pleaser, so this decision left me feeling quite guilty)

~

As we drove away in silence I was reflecting why I had decided to not go to the reception.

After some contemplation I realized I was doing some self care.

Not only for myself but also for Hubby.

We both were reflecting about how we will miss this milestone in our own child's life...we won't be in our cousins place, shuttling our child to and from Hebrew school, organizing a party or offering advice on being an adult.

Hubby said that he was putting himself into another place when his emotions started to swell

I on the other hand, simply let them flow.

I have never cried at a bar mitzvah before, I am not sure why this hit me so hard, but I am feeling quite fragile and libel to cry in any public place it seems.

Now hubby is checking/watching me like a hawk and asking every hour or so " you doing OK?"

I think as a way to not only keep tabs on me, but himself as well.

Alone at night

Recently my dreams have been highly ramped up....masses of details and information has been pouring into my dream eyes and mind. I am not sure what it all means but I often find myself frustrated at m=not being able to remember all the littlest details when I wake. I have begun to say my dreams out loud the moment I wake up as a way to anchor them of sorts. Writing them down, doesn't work for me as I am blind as a bat and getting my glasses on awakens me to a new level and things begin to fall off the edges and fade rapidly. So now with my eyes still closed, I am reciting my dreams to the air above my head.

This morning I told hubby of the one I had last night.

"I was checking in on an older neighbor that lived next door and she would not speak, but I knew she was not well. She would convey her wellness in states of color, in clothing.

The more color the sicker she was feeling.

When I went to check on her, she opened the door in a rainbow banded Mexican style dress with vivid white, yellow, orange red and green cascading down to her bare feet. 

but her face was a pale green she was waving her arms at me and leaning to the side.

I ran to her door and entered her home, we were then in a far back bedroom where I could tell she was going to collapse. 

I grabbed her shoulders and felt the heat of a fever from her skin. 

She was suddenly small, very frail and she motioned for her dog to come to her. It was a dog I had given her for company. She was then a child and patting its back like an infant would do.

We both sat there and I could feel the fur of the dog on my hand and see its floppy ears silhouetted in the light coming thru the windows..

 I could tell she(the neighbor) was struggling to breathe, and I looked into her eyes and said 

" Rae we love you so very much, you are so so loved"

and with that I woke up.

I felt a longing when I awoke, but not a sadness.

Women's Health...get some!

I am a fan of "feeling healthy", heck I think we all need to be BIG fans of it.

I saw this trailer today and laughed out loud

We all have spent so much time in stirrups with tears running down our faces.

These stirrup scenes made me laugh. 

Happy Monday and go get some !!

He was...

So for the last two years, my high school boyfriend has come thru town on business.

We get together for a couple hours and share a meal.

It's nice.

He sent an email last year and asked if we (hubby) and me could join him for dinner.

It ended up being just me...and it was fine but surreal.

We have remained friends and the spoken via emails thru the years...

but

We hadn't seen each other in person since my wedding in 2002.

Dinner was a strange combination of flashbacks and memories and giggly conversations.

We mostly reasserted that we would continue to be friends and that we had shared a really important time in our lives so it seemed stranger to simply not ever talk to each other.

Since my wedding he also had gotten married.

(I am thrilled for him, as I remember many calls where I was consoling him and letting him know that he was going to find a perfect person.

It was going to happen.

It did and since then he seems to be so so so happy.

That makes me happy too!

Even though he is an old boyfriend, more importantly he is a friend.)

We talked about his wife and their life and family...and I asked if they were thinking about becoming parents.

At this dinner, I also found out he never wanted kids.

I had never known that.

we dated for a year and a half!

I told him I was sorry; that I assumed he did since he came from such a big family.

Shame on me.

He laughed and said, that helped him decide he didn't want kids!

We laughed about that.

Last month I got an email saying he was in town again and could we do dinner.

This time hubby's work schedule allowed him to make it and so the three of us had dinner together. Surreal once again.

This time I sat between my husband and my old boyfriend in a U shaped booth.

I am gonna be honest; I was nervous getting ready for dinner, and when getting dressed I wanted to make sure I looked OK...not fat or thin or tired or crazy.

Hubby found this quite funny.

When he arrived I had forgotten how tall he was and that lead to a bunch more flashbacks to events shared, conversations, and what it was like to be a teenager with him.

This quickly shifted to a checklist in my head.

As I sat there and shared pleasant, benign conversation about work, parents, family...

I started to wonder what my life would have been like with him.

I listened as I heard him tell me what he enjoys doing on the weekends and time off

and

what he and his wife hope for and share.

Nothing matched with my interests

Our story was just the classic teenage romance-

meets high school graduation -

meets I want to find myself.

poor guy, I was too independent/free spirited for him.

We learned a lot along the way.

I realised as we left and I was still in a daze- and forgot my leftovers on the restaurant table...

I think we were meant to share just that time in our lives, and not much more then

simply catching up and checking in with each other now.

I would be heartbroken if we never spoke again, but as my hubby said as we drove away.

" It was so clear that there was no spark left between you too"

He was a great boyfriend

Tuesdays Inspiration

I was moved when I heard this story on NPR this morning.

I was humbled and inspired when I learned the route she traveled....

She has just received her 10th degree
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2011/08/05/DD181KHUV0.DTL

I am a wanderer

I am feeling sort of shifty, not really here or there.

I am making packets for proposals, but don't really seem focused.

This of course starts a spiral into self loathing and personal attacks.

Earlier this week, I was invited to get some drinks with past co-workers.

I said maybe and really thought I would go.

As the day approached, I began having panic attacks.

I was flashing back to when I first learned of our infertility.

It all happened while I was holding down that job...all the "stat" appointments and tests

the visits to the ER and the arms full of bruises.

The tears and sudden need to to leave work.

All the stress and memories flooded back and I was suddenly having little movies of moments there.

All the bad moments, shared with these people...and it left me horribly uncomfortable.

On the day of the event, I lied and said I had mixed up work schedules and couldn't make it.

I felt badly for bowing out, but in many ways it felt like I needed to take this stand.

I am working so so hard on feeling whole again, and the collection of these people make me remember when I was not a whole person. So I walked away.

I got a text from someone that attended that simply said "you are missed"

I am sure it was from The Barreness

Not helping....

My hubby has a hard time with adoption, not adopted people, but the process...or the proce$$

He says that after all we have been thru that the idea of pinning our hopes on another long and unknown ending is a hard pill to swallow.

This broke in today's news....it doesn't help him or us

 just adds sadness to an already heartbreaking reality

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Sunny Side of the Street

I am feeling a little better...maybe distracted would be a better adjective.

Hubby is watching me like a hawk and we keep saying our mantras to each other.

I am focusing on all the wonderful things we can do together, that are completely ours.

What it means for us to be a family of two and how that is going to be fine.

We have each other to work with when things get murky and when we are knee deep in the

shitty feelings, and muddy emotions.

We are still able to laugh and hug each other and communicate without words.

I know this ride is really on an ocean and that there are tall waves of joy and sorrow 

but I also know that I can simply float and see where each place takes me...or swim in a direction of my choosing.

I seem to have these moments of intense clarity after a beating from The Barreness

she is resting and plotting her next attack I am sure...but I am working really hard on making myself less available to her and making her wait even longer.

Wait there Barreness, I'll see if I can find her.....

feel free to have a seat I think it might be a while.

Shot down

Well since the "fight thing" there has been a lot less TV in the house...a lot more reading and simply enjoying the patio and the amazingly mild summer we are having so far.

We do still record shows that we both like or want to watch because they make us laugh....one of the new ones we watch is called Love Bites...it kind of reminds me of a "Love American style" kind of show. That variety show came on when I was a kid and they were more like vignettes then long stories...this program is similar and feeds our desire to not watch a lot and our short attention spans.

Anywhooo I was sitting and working on some art stuff and watching this recorded show, then this part came on:

http://www.nbc.com/love-bites/video/ep-107-a-very-special-delivery/1340894

(background, sister is surrogate for sister and has now had baby, it has been quite funny) 

I was a puddle of tears when this was over...my hubby was doing the dishes and looked up because I was suddenly silent.
( She shot me, tackled me...and began to punch me over and over in my heart)

I was never going to be in this scenario, or one similar to it....then in a moment of panic I looked at hubby and said : Do you want to try something else?!

I think he was as shocked as I was...I was asking if we should open Pandora's box again.

(The Barreness was rubbing her hands together, getting ready for another take-down)

I questioned our choices and decisions to this moment. I told him I would do whatever he wanted me to do. I would take any drug, do any test, go to any doctor...I simply wanted him to have the experience of being a dad. Being crazed and stereotypical and excited about a child.
Hubby rushed over to me and hugged me and I began sobbing, snot running down my nose and onto his shoulder...I couldn't look at him.
He said what would I do if it was simply up to me? If I was the one making all the choices for us.
I told him I didn't want to be in pain
I asked him the same question, what would he do if he made all the choices about this?
He said he would be right here, with me.

Hubby has been noticing fathers and children a lot more; recently he has even been pointing them out and I can see the sadness and disappointment in him face.
It breaks my heart, literally I can feel it crack in my chest.
this compounded with a family member undergoing IVF has caused me to fell less then solid
I am easily sucked into my abyss of questions and self doubt.

I told him again yesterday that I would do whatever he wants me to...
He said that it amazing him to think that I would simply overlook years and years of blinding pain, sadness and trauma for another shot at the same results.
(Madness, simply crazed madness~ she was feeding me by a spoon)

I told him that knowing it is all my fault, all of this was because of me...
that I didn't want him to regret marrying me.
Wake up one day when he was 68 and look at me and think, all that I could never give him.
He grabbed me hard and fast and whispered into my ear:
I will NEVER regret marrying you

(laughing in her ear, she is sure now that she will always have some control )

Baby dolphins

I commute. A lot

Mind you, a good chunk of my trip is along the coast,

it is pretty to watch the sun rise and set over the water.

One of the benefits of all this ocean time is that we sometimes see animals.

Today, I saw baby dolphins playing in the waves while adults feed on fish and seabirds waited for leftovers. My hubby had seen baby dolphins once while I was driving
and
I thought he was teasing me.
~

Today I saw them and the shock in my voice upon seeing them sent us into a fit of laughter.

We pulled over and I grabbed my little pocket camera and shot some images of the ocean.

It was windy, so you can hear that whipping be me.
Although most of them show no baby dolphins...it was still cool.

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful that I am staying away from the TV lately.

Like in an almost cold turkey sort of way

It has been beneficial as of late seeing that the whole world is going to hell in a handbasket.

I don't know the details of the latest trial, the newest outfit that is walking down Rodeo drive, where Paris H is and do I feel like I am missing something? Nope

but...

To be honest, I have turned off the TV since last weeks "fight" with hubby.

We had a falling out;  we don't do that...we have been together just about 19yrs and I can count on ONE hand the amount of times we have raised our voices to each other.

So they tend to be day that are remembered.

This last one, was brought on by bad timing and poor communication.

Hubby was entrenched in a video game and I had plans for him to answer my booty call!

problem is, he didn't

and then made a statement that turned it back onto me making it look like it was my fault.

Neither of us slept...nor spoke

This poured into the next morning and we had it out!

We are all fine now...a little shaken still but back on the same page again

He was mad that the TV is on all the time and he doesn't want to sit and watch TV.

When I told him that 99% of the time I have it turned on is because, it will allow me to sit in the same room as him while he is typing away at a video game and not talking to me.

It is my company keeper when he is not vocal.

Needless to say, we have made some changes.

I have only watched one show since last Thursday. Really.

Now he and I have read together after work or sat outside and enjoyed the evening air.

We don't need to talk the whole time, but we are spending better time together.

This is what I am really thankful for.

Happy Thankful Thursday



Independence Day

Happy Independence Day

May some day soon all us infertiles be free

from

sadness

pain and hopelessness

Wordless Wednesday

Mac and Cheese

sometimes that is all you need to make everything

just right

Coming and going

Well the 6th grader is running amok....

I had done some work during the day, and was getting kind of burnt out and tired by 8:30pm so I asked hubby if he was up for getting the hell out of the house.

He was and so our adventure to find food in town began.

Turns out, that unless you want to eat at a bar everything in town pretty much closes by 9ish. 

We finally decided on a greasy diner where we quickly ordered up,

 ready for this one.....

Onion rings

Coffee shake 

and

strawberry shortcake

Yep, that was dinner last night! 

I think I use to live off of the few microns of nutrition french fries provides all thru high school...

Somehow this dinner choice made sense, at least that is what we had convinced ourselves.

While driving home and wondering out loud where we left the digestive enzymes,

we saw a sign for a soon to arrive restaurant down the street...it said "coming soon"

that lead to us creating a menu for the

"Coming Soon Cafe"

all dishes are served in a cream sauce

then there are the side dishes

creamed corn

creamed spinach

cream of wheat

or

you can have

Beef Stroganoff

Everyone leaves with a smile on their face

Now I think, it has enlisted the 6th grader in my hubby just to show off how crass they can be
*sigh*

It is all in a name

Around a table last night while enjoying food and conversation

 the topic of naming body parts came up.

I think my cupcakes really started the conversation... (they were a hit)

The men were talking about how they had named their girlfriends/wives/partners boobies...

and the names began.

Apparently hubby doesn't have a name for my boobies, I simply refer to them as "the girls"

The one that received the most laughter was "Cheech and Chong"

Then the conversation went onto testicles and butts and then

someone said "maybe I should name my ovaries!"

I was still laughing about something else and then my wheels all slammed to a stop....

Name my ovaries...what would I call the troublemakers?!

I mean I am so completely connected to them and they are constantly ruling my behavior and choices that it seems funny I haven't thought of it before and given them names by now.

Plus, this is totally feeding my inner 6th grader, who loved talking crass and thinking up funny names for testicles.

I came up with a name for one and hubby came up with the name for the other:

Quasimodo and plain Jane

6th grader

"Lemon make you happy~ nipple twister" cupcakes

I made these cupcakes for a friend that I know is a "boob-man"

I couldn't resist for some reason.

It just was soooo obvious to me to make these.

I can feel the shift, the "let me, be me" shift.

I am finding myself starting to walk further away from the heartbreak of being childless.

I know I can dive into that pool at any time, trip more likely

and mind you, the walk is a slow one, but I feel like I have started to walk.

That is something.

Now I am faced with this inner 6th grader, the one that wants to wear make-up and dress up in strange outfits, listen to music loud and stay up way way way too late (at least for the outer person to work well or drive safely). I don't really care what my neighbor mommies are doing, in fact I find myself prancing around the house thinking, hahaha I don't have kids I am trying to get to sleep while the sun is still out at 8:30pm.

I think I am in the middle of another growth spurt or something?!

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for my man.

We often ask each other in moments of self doubt and insecurity:

What do you love about me?

When the world beats you up and and then you have to drag your ass home and still be human it helps sometimes to know that you are still worth while to someone.

Well my sweet wonderful man asked this question of me recently and I told him this...

I love that you wait as you turn the compost, so the scrub jays can eat the worms and bugs.

I watched him for half an hour last weekend, carefully turn and shovel the compost pile...watch two very eager and trusting birds swoop down, pick thru the freshly upturned soil and then perch on the wall as hubby turned the soil again to reveal more earthly treats.

I am thankful for that man of mine.

Wordless Wednesday

I got this email from a woman in the same community garden as me...I am really not sure how to respond:

"At the workday when Flora, Fauna and I were talking about extra weight on our bodies and then jokingly we began blaming our children for the weight. I just want you to know that it was silly talk and we or I do feel fortunate to have birthed a child. I come from a a family of 10 children and only the last two of the 10 had children, either by choice or circumstance. Some sibling were satisfied with their choice and some were a bit saddened because of their situation and not having children. But it takes a village to raise a child, and so when we interact with any child either visual or verbally we are giving to them. And so what I'm saying is that, you are a mother in many ways and what you do is amazing!"

* the names have been changed to the Cinderella fairies

I can appreciate that she is being sensitive to my personal situation...but I am not sure how to really react or if I should.

 In some ways I am a touched that she wrote this to smooth whatever hurt feelings she feels might have been poked by overhearing this...in other ways I am a little insulted that she thinks that I could not interpret a casual conversation/bitch session as just that.

What do you think?

Cyst, boom, meh

The Bath by Alfred George Stevens


I should warn you now, I have had a rocky week...I debated writing about it because in many ways I didn't want to think about it again...but being who I am I decided to over share instead.

Hell, if you can not laugh at yourself, who do you have left?
I am about to talk about vaginas, sex and pimples

Lets start with the latest ultrasound, two weeks ago. I have to have them every 4ish months to keep track of my growths. I decided to go off birth control two and a half years ago and since leaving the hormones, I have grown new fibroids and cysts...all of which need to be watched because they tend to want to be overly dramatic and "rockstar" out the room. So I get pelvic ultrasounds to watch them in an effort to stay off BCP, that is my sacrifice.
I travel to a nearby town to have it done in a hospital because after years of having them done, this ONE tech has treated me like a person who has lost.

The results came back the next day and it confirmed everything is still there,
but not growing as fast as it has in the past...
so I have four more months without pills.

Since realizing that we are never gonna get pregnant (without massive assistance) I have been celebrating the joys of being off the pill...mostly that I am far more sane, my hair has stopped falling out in handfuls, and I do not get nightsweats anymore!
Plus....I want to have sex again.

This is a big deal and I am sure I am not the only one who
has experienced that lack of sexdrive after years of IF and medical interventions
and then birth control pills.

Everyone knows that sex is good for you, emotionally, mentally and for your relationship...so I was eager to have that return, because I WANT TO FEEL GOOD!

Friday rolled around and I was ready for our Friday night date (we have them still) But around 2pm I started to feel ill, dizzy and then the cramps began and my back felt like I had carried a load of bricks up a flight of stairs. The rest of the night was spent on the couch with a heat pad and a frown, while hubby made me tea and "cooked dinner"(Chinese takeout)

The rest of the weekend started slow, but I got up to speed soon, and our Friday night plans shifted to Saturday night and we had a great night being together.
We were laughing and happy and then Sunday it happened...the pin prick.

That rolled into a stab, that rolled into a personal investigation of the ladyparts.

I had a lump...a red, round, hard lump.
My poor panic room wasn't even ready for my dash and door slam. I freaked out!!
I mean who wants to find a lump on your lovely lady bits?!

I made a plan that if it hadn't changed in a day I would see the doc.
I thought, maybe we just had too much fun and it took a toll on me.

Well it did change, it got scary looking and hurt more and
I could not ignore it or wish it away so I got into the doc.

I greeted her with, "hey, so I figured I haven't shown you my vagina enough...so here I am"
She laughed at me and we took a look at the MAD, RED, HARD Bump...
she looked at it and said "oh that is a sebaceous cyst. Do you want me to pop it? "
I think that is when I tried to go to my happy place...but I realized it needed to change if I wanted to walk normal....she offered to drain it with something...she described something about something all I heard was LARGE BORE NEEDLE and my mind made everything quiet...

I said I would wait for it to resolve itself, thank you.
Needles/vagina's...I bowed out of that long ago.

As she was writing up the antibiotic prescription I looked down again
and she had blown her lid!!
I was fascinated and freaked and the doc walked over and said
"lets get it all out"...and popped it!
I thought I was going to fall off the table...I remember breathing and then feeling like my whole vagina was in a table-vice.
She took samples and said she was sorry it hurt.
I was told to soak in a bath, several times a day and try and to "get more out".
The more I massage it the better.

OK so sit in a bath and massage myself...this was getting ridiculous.

I have been doing that for the last 24hours, it is the most unsexy, unpleasant way to enjoy a bath.

I got some new bath salt to help it feel less clinical and more...well, less clinical.
10 days of antibiotics and baths, and squeezing (not for the weak)

The one gem I can take away from this is:

I encourage all of you to check your parts, and don't wait to see the doc if something doesn't look right. As embarrassing as it was, I felt empowered that I knew what was normal for me and what wasn't and that I love my vagina enough to protect it from future mishaps.

My name is The Barreness and I grow stuff