That time of year...

It is that time of year, the time where I see my doctor and get a once over.

I was nervous about my weight and my blood count numbers and if I was gonna be in a better place than I was last year at this time.
Mostly would the doctor say I was a good patient and doing what I was suppose to be doing=
you are not gonna die from your own doing tomorrow or next week.
for some reason I don't want to disappoint my NP.

She is quite mellow and loves that I always go with a card to remind myself of all the referrals I need.

I was naked and sitting on that horrible exam table paper as we relaxed and slowly went through the medical history updates and what vitamins and exercise I am doing, when I started to sweat...I mean drip sweat.

I told her that it seems like that these days I run hot...she says it happens in the office,
but that I might be starting the menopause countdown...ugh...
Seriously, am I really already at that time in my life?

When the time came for the pelvic exam I went to lay down and realized at that moment,
that this was going to be undignified.
The whole lower half of me had sealed with the exam table paper...
it was totally coating my ass, my thighs and vagina.

I found myself peeling paper off my ass as she performed my breast exam...and when I needed to stirrup up she said I was indeed  an overachiever, as I got it stuck everywhere
...she even had to peel some away to perform the pelvic and I just stared at the ceiling and shook my head.
I told her that I seem to only experience these things when I am in her presence, and I guess she needed a new Barreness vagina experience, because our last ones where not exciting enough.
She giggled....I sighed

As she finished up and left to write up orders for mammograms and ultrasounds,
I peeled the rest of the paper off myself as best I could so I could get dressed.

said paper shreds, they appeared all day long

After giving blood and being told I was clear to go I left in search of caffeine.
I stopped at three coffee shops on the way home, I was going to binge on chai.
Not every place offers almond milk and so I stopped at two new coffee houses to test their versions, only one of them had almond milk, so I drank that one as I traveled to a third caffeine house for another!
It was my vice, and I ate a bagel too, with hummus!
Crazy I know!

My desire to do the right thing has taken over my eating patterns these days and I find I am sometimes walking a fine line in an effort to not become obsessed with counting and reducing and restricting myself.

When I make a "bad food choice", I am also trying to not beat myself up over it.

Instead think what would have been a better choice.

It is hard, and takes effort.

I am very quick to be mean to myself, and relearning to be kind is a task indeed.

emilymcdowell.com

Thankful Thursday

put you in to a better mood

I am currently working in the studio....here is a sweet bunny eating my lunch.

well, not my lunch, but what I usually eat for lunch.

be back soon

Throwback Thursday

So in honor of throwback Thursday I searched my cell phone, 

the following are images that I took on this day in 2011, 2012 and 2013

a duck on a leash

which ones should I buy organic if I have to choose

local grocery store

that is all, for now...yes, I am procrastinating

The roads walked

I'm a sucker for a funny vagina reference

I have been MIA, sorry about that.

I have been stealthily reading blogs and trying to keep up with all your beautiful lives.

I have been slightly depressed, nothing huge,or concerning just quieter...so I have kept on the down low.

The Barren and I went on a little trip, to the other side of the US.

It was cool and grey and a wonderful change from our current local that is always on the verge of bursting into flames...really. I learned that many people can barely believe that my state is in a stage two drought and that everything really is dead or dying from lack of water. It is sad, and people are now regularly performing rain dances...with conviction. for real...really

I also learned that although we live in a dry (lack of water) state, we have more produce options than others and I am thankful for that....besides the lower carbon footprint, I am use to the greens and citrus.

The place we went was quiet and magical and serene...
we did some good karma yoga to help the MIL and it was just what we needed.
We went on many walks, and looked at stars at night.
We watched sea birds and listened to the night and water lapping on the rocks outside.

Included in the highlights were the following:
I traveled for the first time (IN MY WHOLE LIFE) on a boat with out getting sick...
I used yoga breathing exercises and burst into tears when we landed, I was so proud and happy.

I ate ice cream almost everyday and felt no guilt, just joy.

We stayed for a week, and left the day our nephews and their parents (The Barren's sister, hubby and kids)
arrived for a week with the MIL

(totally unintentional to miss them, but in hindsight a good thing)

Now we are home, and things are back into the swing of things, it was a rough transition back,
 but we are on track.

I got a text from my MIL two days after we left that described her scene:

" We went to the island today.  Fantastic day.  Really warm and no breeze.  Little bam -bam had a complete and total meltdown because he couldn't run and jump all over the rocks on the cliff edge.  There were even signs  posted that said no rescue was possible if someone fell, but that didn't matter to him!  They are off having dinner and I am at home in the peace and quiet.  I think I am only having Big brother this summer.  Little bam-bam is still pretty out of control.  The Island must have been twice as crowded as when we went. What a difference a week makes! "

My nephews are wild things, totally out of control and only the eldest is over-parented; so it is no surprise that the younger is still totally out of control. This is the same nephew I apologized for at the memorial when he was running around the gathering screaming "sexy lady" while his parents shrugged and said
"what you gonna do"
*sigh*

I am now back into my practice, The Barren is traveling already for work...
 and I am fighting some serious focus issues again.
I had a wonderful time away, and returning has highlighted how over committed I am and how stretched thin I am, and how easily I am distracted from my to-do list....
There are some possible BIG changes in my art career on the horizon and I am struggling to find a way to still do all that I need to, to generate income, while trying to transition to full time art making.
I fear it will be two full time jobs for a while. I expect it will be hard and I can do that.
It is the panicked, I am struggling more with; the finances involved with this trial, and the pressure to sell enough to maintain it....or heck make a few dollars on top of covering costs!
Alas, I am charging ahead of myself...I won't know until July...so until then I am trying to make new work.
Save some cash...and be positive for a healthy heart and mind.

I have also discovered that I have really distanced myself from my infertility.
I don't think about it anymore...I don't focus on what I don't have, or should have.
I am me, and my love makes us.

I ran into an old co-worker whom I haven't seen since 2007 and she asked if I had finally had kids.
Mind you we were in a bank lobby and she has a booming voice...it drew the attention of a woman sitting in a chair waiting for a teller...I smiled and said, we tried for a long time but it didn't work. She then told me that another woman we worked with got pregnant and she would give me her number so I could call her and find out how. Inside my head I thought, I should be gracious and say thank you, but instead I said " we can't have children, I've seen many doctors and had surgery, but it is OK...we are very happy"
The lady in the chair, looked up again and then smiled and looked down.
I escorted this former co-worker outside with me, as I had had too much conversation in the bank lobby.
She told be some more about former co-workers and I was reminded how far I had traveled, and how much healthier I was now.
I have dropped my subtitle, I am no longer The Barreness: infertile woman
instead I am
The Barreness: Artist