Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Inspiration Wednesday

I follow this photographer on social media, and really find daily inspiration from the people he meets.
This one in particular sits deeply in me and made me cry the first time I read it:

"What's your favorite thing about your mother?"
"She loves life more than anyone I've ever known. I hope she doesn't mind me telling you this, but recently she's had some health problems. And her health got so bad at one point, she called me and said: 
'I was starting to wonder if there was any reason to go on. But then I had the most delicious pear!'"

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Building my superhero

I am building my inner super hero....I have decided it is time to take a bigger step, and act fearless.
I am struggling with feeling good again.
I am still going to class three times a week, and sitting in my studio for hours a day, and working at my second job...and doing all the other daily stuff that life requires to function, 
but something wasn't still linking up.
So, I was wandering around in my brain yesterday and found that maybe, just maybe I was cushioning myself...unbeknownst to myself, I was still protecting myself from getting hurt or pushing too hard.
In everything.

So I started to construct my symbols of strength...
I got this shirt and wore it to class today.
I pushed myself harder, lunged deeper, and stretched farther.
I carried this positive affirmation in my mind the whole time.
I have new pants coming too..when they arrive I will reveal them as well.

It seems I am still afraid, I am still shy..I don't know why. 
I just found this corner the other day and opened that door wide and let in sunlight. 
I don't want to be afraid anymore, or tentative.
I want to feel strong and sure and powerful and confident.

I am finding that as time passes and I still wake up at 4:30 am, I like this ritual.
It allows me to wake up with the sun, I get to be in my own head and feel strong from the first moments of the day.
ideally enough to carry me through the rest of it. 
When I feel weak, or tired, I drink water and cry or wish I would cry and 
sit and contemplate what is making the monkeys go crazy.

All this was put to a test the other day, my father was forced to retire.
He is still "young" but a situation arose in his company and that was the choice he had.
He did and then made calls to me and my brother, assuring us that they were fine and that there was no big debt to fear....I think he was really assuring himself, as I was far beyond freaked out (in my head)
and I remained calm and cool until I hung up the phone.
Then I just stared at the wall for several hours...thinking of all the scenarios in my head, flipping through each of them like a rolodex...meeting each freaking scene head on and then letting it pass through me.
Acknowledge and let it go

It seems to have worked, for now.
It was like a scanner, scan then pass it along.
No harm no foul

I am faced with another weekend sleepover, this time with our 10year old niece.
Last weekend was the 6 year old nephew.
I don't know what to expect, or be prepared for but I am looking forward to the time.
I want to be a SUPER Auntie, and be cool and calm and neato
So my focus is to be present:
have super listening skills
be strong and supportive
able to leap to no conclusions
Be her bird or plane 

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

National attention

the latest issue of Time Magazine set to hit the stands
This caught my eye yesterday and I wanted to post a couple things here to see if any of you had heard this too?! I was surprised and quite interested reading it myself.
Here is a response on Huffington post,
and here is a great video,

I LOVE how the newscaster starts with 
the Time editor who is also child-free and dismisses the writer speaking first because she has three kids.
It does bother me that they mention how much it costs to raise a kid, I am not sure why, maybe it feels dismissive about the choice...but that might be just me.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you

I celebrated my one year anniversary with yoga. 
According to my yoga teacher I had been there over 165 times in the last year! 
That is a half year in the yoga studio! holy guacamole...
I tried to keep the celebration to myself but to my surprise The Barren noted this as well and got me a gift certificate to a yoga boutique. 
You know the kind of place I would never venture into myself to purchase clothes.

Well I was eager to get a new pair of pants and top, as mine are now having the subtle smell of bleach and tea tree oil and mildew....they have been washed every day after class and hung to dry so as to be ready the next day...but after a year I think the fabric just gives up.
I went to the boutique; assured by The Barren that the women that were working there were not the "typical" yoga body people. It was warm outside but I was wearing a sundress and felt fairly cool...I was greeted by a woman who was very nice and eager to help me find the perfect gift for myself. She was not a beanpole so she understood the "junk in the trunk" issue for finding pants...she told me which companies she liked and I grabbed two pair of printed leggings one with UNICORNS on them!
get them
I was eager to try them on and feel super special. 
I grabbed a tank to try them on with and headed to the changing room. 
I was now sweating
The store was warm and the fan really did nothing to cool the air.
I checked my purse three times for a rubber band to tie my now wet neck hair dice.
I then proceeded to peel the dress I was wearing off, and try with GREAT effort to put on the pants.
It was like trying to get a pair of pantyhose on while my lovely Popeye style calf's would not allow the pants to glide over them so by the time I had jumped, hopped and wiggled my arse into the butt of the pants it was and I was a HOT MESS. 
The door of the changing room was not a door but a light piece of fabric, 
so as I jumped it swayed open. I am sure it was a great show!
I peeled off the first pair and looked at another brand thinking maybe they would fit differently.
This time I tried on the top first, well tried, as I was dripping sweat and no matter what I did to pull that top over my shoulders and avoid the pits, as I didn't want to stain the shirt too...
I was stuck, the fabric had rolled onto itself, and would not give way
My boobs were half in the shirt, half begging to be freed of the shelf bra.
I ending up bending in half, and wiggling my shoulders free of the fabric and hanging up the shirt to admire while trying to tackle the second set of pants. topless this time...
When I started the effort, I stopped at the calf again...resigning to the fact that I was not built to wear these leggings either. I fought extreme disappointment and negative voices about my body.
The clerk asked how I did as I emerged from the dressing room.
I am sure she saw the WHOLE thing...but was kind to say that another company was available to try.
I am a glutton for punishment, and so I tried on another brand of pant. 
It took far less effort to pull on and so I got a pair in FUCHSIA, and picked up a tie-dyed tank from the same company without trying it on...I feared what might happen.
I left with credit remaining and a punched ego...but a new top, pants and yoga mat towel.
Following this dance I was due at a business woman's art gathering.
I got in the car, blasted the air conditioning and drove to the meeting location.

I was cooler when I arrived, I had my yoga bag in the back seat so I added a new layer of deodorant to my pits and fluffed my hair and went into the home that was hosting.
I sipped a glass of bubble water and waited for another couple of friends to arrive. I was beginning to heat up again (for reasons unknown to me) and I went to the bathroom to splash some cool water onto my neck and an effort to cool my body a little more. When I emerged a couple of friends had arrived and I met them in the hallway. One was one I hadn't seen since May and when I saw her then I thought..." I think she is pregnant" turns out she was...and is due in December. 
She was glowing, I mean was of no surprise to me.
Joy creates that, and she was filled with glee and joy.
I congratulated her and we joined some other women outside in the shade to chat before the meeting was set to start...I was standing and sipping my water and I could feel the sweat dripping down my back, over my tummy, down my legs. I hoped no one else noticed...but I also realized that I was with a group of women, ans MANY had already gone through menopause so this was nothing to be embarrassed about.
We eventually moved indoors, and sat ourselves for the hosts lecture.
I think it was half way through that I felt the heater turn off in me. 
When the lecture was over, my newly pregnant friend rose from where she was seated and I was struck.
She is one of the most beautiful people I know...I mean goddess beauty.

High cheekbones, tall, lightly freckled skin, quiet and graceful, her hair was now down from her hair comb and cascaded into gentle curls around her!
It sounds like I have a girl crush on her, but really I was just so taken back at her beauty.
It was mesmerizing, and I was just admiring how beautiful it was.
She floated across the floor and I realized at that moment, how obvious it was that we were at two very different stages in our lives. She was making a new person and I was in pre-menopausal.
I returned to a quiet home, The Barren waiting to hear how the day went.
I modeled the new clothes for him, as I was not sweating anymore and the new pants revealed that they are not only a fantastic color but also create an amazing camel toe! ahahaha and the top is a little big.
Go figure
That night I dreamt that I was pregnant, and I needed to tell people.
I was so sad about it, I was thinking to myself in the dream 
" but I was just getting use to this new child-free life, I am so old now to be having a baby"
It was a mixed bag of dream emotions.
Upon waking, I was washed in the feeling of bitter-sweetness and remembering.
It was dark still and a yoga day, so I put on my new camel-toe pants and went to class to sweat it all away.