Ugh

image via: world-humor.blogspot.com

I mostly feel like this

except my beverage would be a cuppa tea

or a hard drink depending on the mood swing.

I don't like to think that I have fallen into the group of gals that has PMS,
but as time has marched on it appears that I do have a hormonal swing or two

*ugh*

I find it so dismmissive that you can blame actions on hormones; I still refuse to accept that
So the other morning, I said I was sorry to The Barren.
It feels horrible, I don't want to be the crazed lady I feel like.
I try and keep things in check and run it through the seive in my brain before letting it out of my mouth and into the ether, never to be recovered.

I think I need to write some more love letters...
I feel pretty blue and lonely and I need to remind myself of who I love and why.

Skirting the Edge

This is a sound-off/bitch/whine ...I am trying to figure shit out I guess...
(my spell check isn't working, so excuse any errors please)

I am dizzy, dizzy from fear, and sadness and confusion and pain.

It is like my whole body has been bombarded for months with function, function function.

I am working hard on being stable and even.

I think I am feeling the snap of a relationship shifting to different paths, a bond change and my mind settle into knowledge.

I have been a friend to a woman who has become more and more difficult to talk to, she has become more and more caustic. She doesn't understand the way I communicate or my sense of humor...I am extremely aware of how and what I say around her. It is almost like I now need to prepare for a simple dinner or short conversation. She requires so much now that I am exhausted from trying. She snaps at me and often times I feel attacked for having opinions different then hers. Many years ago she told me the one thing she admired about me was that I seemed to not judge her. I was quite proud of that...now I feel ONLY judged by her. Her body language changes around me, visibly. I am not sure what can be repaired or if it should be. I have spent a lot of time changing how I say things, how I repsond to things, and what I share with her. If anything now...

When I was finding out about my infertility she was there to listen as I shook and tried to describe what was being discovered about my body. She seemed overwhelmed and after a period of time, frustrated that she could not offer fixes for problems. I began to fall into my depression and after a while stopped accepting invitations to things with her, and her babies and friends that were pregnant. I became reclusive and started therapy for greif....she found other friends and was active with her life...I admired that and wanted to be that too. When I was finally working on my show, she was excited as I was moving and doing things again...she would invite me out and I wanted to go...oh I wanted to so badly, but I wasn't socially ready. So I would express interest but not go out. Then on the night after the show opened we had dinner, and in my glow I said thank you for coming to the opening and dinner to celebrate it and it was then that it started...she said why did you not ask for help? I looked at her trying to not cry and said " I didn't know how to"

She was by this time a mother of two healthy daughters, I had had a miscarriage by then and was about to have another two in the coming year. As time rolled on, she became much more uptight with me...she was far down on the list when I finally told her that I had another miscarriage, in fact I remember telling her and as I was expressing what had happened I was also telling myself: don't end this conversation on a sad note...she doesn't like that I am pessimistic. If I remember correctly I think she said, "well if you can think of it, at least I know you can get pregnant and I was a mom if even for a short time" I just smiled my mask smile and said

 " I don't think I can emotionally do this anymore"

she fell kind of silent.

More time has past and in this last weekend, we sat next to each other at a wedding reception and we barely spoke a word. I tried to talk to her, asking about benign topics,  I got a sidelook and a word or two repsonse. I told her I had been given a book that she was crazy about (but I had expressed not much interest in) and that I was thinking of taking a look at and she looked at me and reared back and started this crazy laugh and said  "see I tell you you'll like and you say no and then someone else tells you read this and you say ok, whatever! " I was shocked...I told her "well in my defence, it has been sitting on the table for a week, I still haven't opened it, so maybe I am still rebelling against it" she rolled her eyes and turned towards the music... and then
 I asked about another friend of hers, she snapped again.

" How's Janice? Do they have plans to go to South America this summer?"

She looked at me like I was trying to sell her rotten fish and said, "they go in the fall, why?"

and within that same breathe and with venom she asked about two other women friends of mine
"How's Molly and Sally? See them lately"  I was confused and overwhelmed. I was simply trying to make friendly talk about nothing in general and I struck some sort of cord....

*sigh* I drank a Mai Tai in silence with a smile on my face and then trying not to make it obvious, I looked at The Barren and he said we were going back to the hotel.
The following day her brother in law died.
I have seen her once since then and when I did I hugged her and and said nothing. I have been frightened to call and hear her voice so I have sent a couple text messages asking if they needed anything or if I could pick up something at the market for them.
***

At the same time I am trying to make new friends...any friends at this point and it is an uphill struggle now. As we age and sit in certain circles we don't meet a lot of new people...so as easy as it might have been as a kid to meet and friend new people it is not the same as an adult.
I have been trying though...doing things and asking to meet people when the moment arises.
I was invited to join a couple gals the other night for yoga in one of their homes, a non-gym thing and I said I would love to.
They told me the day they normally do it on.
I got no further conversations or updates...I felt left out...I had been thinking about it all day and when the day came I wasn't invited, or so I thought...it appears that it didn't happen at all.
I am actually feeling jealous of witnessing friendships.
Maybe I have forgotten how to make friends?!

SO last night I sat down and wrote a love note to two of the people I have known a long time.
I felt that the world was spinning in the wrong direction and I needed to put some additional energy out that would hopefully swing that pendulum the other way.
Back to rainbows and glitter.
or at least me not wanting to cry or puke from heartbreak all the time

Penis Problem

OK so as I was driving home from my annual mammogram today, and I thought, boy I need some serious levity.

(everyone get a mammogram)

I am super bumming out everyone, including myself.

I had a good cry this morning, and fell asleep WAY too early last night..poor Barren.

He is a little worried about me.

So I thought, what made me laugh recently, and I remembered the call from Mom asking me to

"come fix her penises"

Yep.

My parents home borders a public walking path. It has chain link fencing and is maintained mostly by the homeowners that butt up to this path. The city forgot about many many years ago.

So my mother felt that it should be a public art gallery.

They also live across the street from an elementary school and so kids walk to and from school

via this path everyday.

My mom writes notes in chalk on the ground wishing them a happy first day of school

and summer vacation and stuff like that.

Adorable, I know.

She has also COVERED her side of the chain fencing with painted boards that she has asked others to decorate. My grandmother, myself, my father, my niece and nephew...you get the idea.

Well recently, she thought it a great idea to leave extra white painted boards beside the fence to offer up the opportunity for other kids in the neighborhood to paint and she would hang them for all to see.

She goes out and checks the fence every few days, and finds a new piece from someone hung via zip ties and is simply over the moon about it.

Well.....

a few little monsters have found this same oasis of adorable and started drawing penises on some of the artwork:

He doesn't look to bothered

this fish may never blow number bubbles again

poor purple dino/giraffe

So every once in a while I get a call from mom that asks me to come over with a box of paint and

"fix her penis problem"

Penises are funny, and little boy/girl versions of what penises can do

is always good for a laugh with me!

The condition of being mortal

Moonrise

So I have had a really strange week or two, it doesn't come as a total surprise that my dreams would reflect this reality.

I am thinly veiled that way.

To start with a childhood friend was just diagnosed with breast cancer.

It appeared between yearly mammograms in one breast.

 She was considering a prophylactic double mastectomy to avoid cancer showing up in the second breast; but, while waiting for labs, a period of two weeks, additional lumps in the first and new ones in second breast appeared.

She is a mother of two boys, one of which had a long battle with cancer himself, and is currently in remission.
It is events like this that make me question life and a higher being.

As I was bra shopping the other day, all I could think about was her. She and her mom took me bra shopping for my first bra, I think we had "mosquito bites" (that is what my Nana use to say)

She is not going to have breasts any more. All I could think about is how selfish of me to be so concerned about finding a bra that wouldn't show through my tee shirt.

This shopping trip was followed by a road trip to a friends wedding, The Barren was playing guitar for the wedding march with one of the brides uncles, it was the first public performance for the Barren so I went to witness this big event.

The bride is a professional dancer, who married a navy seal.

The church was near base, and so there were a lot of military families around. In fact, the whole town was pouring over with babies, pregnant women and toddlers.

There were hours of talk about babies and starting families and it all made sense.

The base felt like a haunted waiting room.

Loved ones leaving and others waiting for months, year after year.

It broke my heart and gave me a new and deeper appreciation for military families.

New brides and new parents.

It broke my heart and made me cling to The Barren even more.

Literally

The following day, Father's day, some of the brides family was gathered at an aunts home.

An uncle, went upstairs and never came down.

It was quite a shock, and totally unexpected.

This Uncle was the brother to the other musician that played in the wedding.

A friend to The Barren

Death seems to be all around me right now

And then today, I awoke from a dream that has me scratching my head.

I had a dream I had IVF done, on a whim. My eggs were projected onto an overhead projector for us to see prior to insemination. They were flat oblong shapes, three of them. Like, grains of rice, broken and poorly shaped.

I had them inseminated and then was told to have an orgasm to "set them deeply into my uterus"

We went to a movie theatre afterwards that was filled with people I recognised from high school. Unaged and staring at me.

I began to have a panic attach and grabbed The Barren and was crying

" I can't do this, these babies will never grow, they are all broken.

I can't go through all this pain again"

Then I woke up

 I am not sure I know what this means...I am feeling loss

In newer and deeper ways maybe?

I know I do feel lost

The Why Am I's

photo via My Vintage Dollhouses

So every once in a while I want to organize my life.

I end up doing a half-assed job; doing enough to make the frantic beeping in my head stop and then move on to other tasks.

I am easily distracted by my own "to-do" list.

About two weeks ago, the community fire alarm went off and I was home working so I went to see what it was. It ended up being a sprinkler that blew in a neighbors garage, flooding it and drenching the contents. No fire, thank goodness...but it took over 4 hours to turn off the water!

The renter had all his work tools in the garage and what wasn't in a plastic box, was soaked.

The fire dept, couldn't turn off the water, because it was managed by the fire sprinkler company who couldn't come out until later that day to reset the sprinklers and the alarm people needed to stop the alarm but couldn't do it until the water was turned off. You see how this turned out...the "best part" was that the alarm for the sprinkler is not connected to a central call center/dispatch place. So it is really up to fellow neighbors to call police or fire department people.

If I wasn't home who knows how much longer that water would have poured into the garage and street!

 Ugh

I felt horrible for the neighbor, but more so frightened for our homes well being in our absence, because we don't really have outgoing neighbors.

If something happened to our home, I fear no one would call the people needed.

 Everyone would say " huh, why is that alarm going off? it is really bothering me" close their window and go about their business.

Sad but true. We live in a community of disconnected people.

(being the crazy lady I am, I am making a sheet of phone numbers of neighbors I say hello to on a regular basis and giving them our cell numbers too)

This of course set me into a personal tailspin of what ifs....

I started looking around our home and thinking of everything that would be destroyed by water, the cats would be traumatized but alive and wet. Then I went into our garage...ugh

We have collected many many many things. In fact when grandma's have passed we were delivered many boxes of "precious items" and "heirlooms" that we must have.

Plus my art exhibitions and framed work etc....

I went out and got a storage unit.

I spent this whole last weekend working through the boxes, and boxes of things...I have a hoarder living inside me apparently. We have boxes and boxes of things for the garage sale at the end of the month, and a pile of things that is going to the local thrift store.

But we also have several things in that new locker....mostly my things.

The biggest being my dollhouse.

My parents made me a doll house for my 7th birthday, it took several months to make. It was worked on every night in secret in their bedroom. They made it from discarded orange crates and found wood at the local market. My father created a wooden floor in the kitchen with a wood burning tool. The cupboards are made from butter dishes turned on their sides and scrap lace made the curtains. Each room has different carpet, as they are all scraps from the local carpet store. The roof is hinged as once the doll house was complete my parents realized it wouldn't fit through the bedroom door!

There is a picture of me next to the house on the day I got it, I am standing on a chair and doll house is next to me but still taller then I am.

Later, they made my brother a mechanics garage with fuel pumps and an attached home (kind of Sanford and Son-ish) using the same techniques.  

 

Needless to say, I am deeply, emotionally attached to this doll house

and I imagined I would pass it on to my child.

I have kept all the items that had, for years, decorated the home

and it seems more of a time capsule then anything else now.

It is substantial and takes up a lot of floorspace.

When hubby causally mentioned getting rid of it I broke down and started sobbing.

 How can I?!

(that question was never broached again)

We moved the doll house into the storage unit on Sunday, it has been entombed in many ways.

My brother is not sentimental with things, so I asked him how he can throw away/give away things that are so deeply linked to his childhood. Does he not have second guesses or regrets?

He simple said: they don't mean anything to anyone else but me. So why keep them?

 I am left dumbfounded...

I can't think of a person who it would mean something to besides myself.

In fact, that is the impression I am getting about much of what I can't seem to let go of.

old love letters, stories I wrote in elementary school that sheds light on my mind and emotions then.

Who am I holding on to this for? Why do I still need to know that it is there?

I feel at times that I am making strides in coming to terms with not being able to be a mother, and then stuff like this sneak attacks me.

It was like, The Barreness turned on the fire sprinkler and drenched me in the memories and the what should have beens. 

Until I can figure it out, I place them into plastic tubs and store them away.

At least I can keep them dry.

Sunday

I am actually at home all weekend, and working on some new work; while fielding calls from Mom and Dad asking medicine questions.

This is good, because not only are things getting a little better there, I also got pancakes yesterday!

Hubby makes a mean pancake and I am only to happy to be part of the taste testing as he explores new recipes. He loves my belly...so I am happy to fill it with pancakes!

Sunday for some reason is one of most favorite days...I don't really know why, as the looming following day of work is one that makes the day seem shorter...as its casualness is often interrupted with chores and crap like that....but I really love the sleepiness of Sunday.

One of my many favorite things to do is make tents for the cats.
Yes, I am that woman

Mental health time

So my mind is pretty cooked, I am sure that comes as no surprise to most of you.

(the fact that I can say that is still amazing to me,

I have people that actually read this blog

and write lovely little notes to me )

Anyhoo, it might be another week before I can really put words together in a way that makes sense*.

I am currently re-charging my laughter cells, and heart with a book a dear wonderful friend sent me:

book info

I literally can only read for moments before I am laughing so hard tears are rolling down my cheeks

I am so thankful for that

This weekend, I spent my first two days away from mom

(well, except for calling at medicine taking times to make sure dad was on top of things)

I read, napped

and hung out with hubby.

I totally had nothing in me when Sunday came around....I came to peace with this

as I was soaking in the tub Saturday night.

I looked up at hubby; who was keeping me company

 so I don't fall asleep and drown

and I said

" I don't think I have anything left to give to mom right now...I gonna have to call her instead"

He said: "well you did just mostly kind of spend the last month keeping her alive, I think she'll understand"

She seemed to; she called me last night to tell me that she went to the Farmers Market and met with some friends and then came home and fell asleep for four hours.

Today she meets with the doctor who last did his exam on her while she was out cold...she snored thru the whole exam. I think he'll be happy with her progress.

A toast to antibiotics!

*see I am a little loopy still, I'll me more normalish soon

***p.s. I just got a call from my mother, telling me she has decided to stop taking some of her medications.

She is fine.

It might be a little longer then a week....

So many days have past....

blood transfusion

I am sad to report that I have been spending this last month in the hospital.

I am not the patient but instead my mother still is.

The infection spread to her knee, or started there, or her mouth post dental work or in her bladder or in her kidney or....the theories are stacked but none hold a clear answer.

Not all of us are cut out to be caregivers, it requires a kind of patience that after serval days wears thin...and then thinner and thinner and thinner. My parents dealt with it over and over again, with grandparents living with us because no one else stepped up.

I was the person who stepped up first and stayed the latest.
I am not tooting my horn, in fact I have a really hard time accepting compliments or accolades for anything I do. Which makes acknowledgements of what I have done this past month make me want to run for the hills.

pages of observation

So, I have essentially been living by my mothers side this last month; so my father could get some sleep and do some work that was piling up and visit his clients.
I worked when I could at my other job, for an hour here and there; waking at 4:30am to call the nurses station and then send 10 people text message early am updates, then get myself dressed and drive the 45minutes into town to sit at the hospital all day.

Write down every pill she took, every temperture recorded, every minute of how long she slept and what she was hallucinating about. Ask the correct questions of doctors and chase down nurses or get cups of ice. Send my father home to make sure he ate and took his evening pills and got some time with his eyes closed. Send text messages all day long to additional people as they requested new information and came up with questions of their own. Then around 7pm, put myself into a car, drive the 45minutes home, arrive home and remember that I had not eaten all day, find something in the fridge or on the counter to push into my mouth before taking a shower, kissing my already sleeping hubby and crying myself to sleep to start it all again.

I haven't seen hubby but for the evenings, as I crawl into bed. I haven't had any studio time in the last month. I have missed submission deadlines, avoided answering emails, gave up my garden plot, and put everything else on the back burner.

Although I speak to my brother throughout the day, my brother took the time to send me a text thanking my for everything I have done, as he is not able to be as patient as is needed or as compassionate as the situation requires. It made me cry.

My hubby told me on the phone that a co-worker asked how he was, he said:

" my wife leaves really early in the morning, and I don't see her all day.

Then she comes home really late at night,;she sits for half an hour and cries and then

falls asleep. Night after night"

I got a call from my father last night while driving home telling me that my mother chose me to be her physical therapst for her home care. I started to cry, weep...I am spent.

After a sleepless night, I found the inner advocate this morning and told my father during our early am call that I can not be everything, mother needs an outside PT person. I can help do the homework but someone else needs to be added to the mix.

It was amazing to hear those words come from my mouth, I felt horrible telling my father that I couldn't do something for my mother or him. I struggle with that but know that I need some mental health time too.

As I was sitting next to my narcotic doozing mother today, wondering if I would ever see the fighter that she once was again, she sat strait up and said " I want to walk outside"

We got up and out the door....it was her longest walk in the last month.

She went out the door, to the neighbors, turned and up a walking path...and back inside.

It was like winning the lottery, like maybe it will be ok afterall.

Maybe I will get my life back again and have breakfast with my hubby again soon.

Breaking out of her box

Once a year

Once a year I reveal who I am...the rest of the time I am simply The Barreness

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week:
I revealed myself...and now I am in the shadows for another year.

xoxxo

Open Love Letter from The Barren

image by Lewis W Hine

As a total surprise to me, hubby wrote an open love letter to me for my birthday.

It was so unexpected, so deeply moving and honest that it took me to my knees.

I will share it here with you:

" I hope it's not too boastful to say I'm the luckiest man on this wall. Other walls have lucky men and women, i'm quite sure, but if you've landed here to celebrate The Barreness's 42nd orbit around the sun, I'm here to say I win. The amazing thing about The Barreness is that she's got enough awesome to make sure all of us win too! (just not quite as much as me)

She is gentle and kind-hearted with everyone (...except drivers on cell phones, these she curses and gestures at wildly...it is kind of scary); she is generous and giving with a casualness that belies the focused consideration she has for those around her; she has an infectious smile that she hides too often; she is honest, and wears her heart on her sleeve even when she knows it might get hurt; and she has a wellspring of creative talent that constantly surprises.

There are more personal aspects of her awesomeness, of course. She's beautiful, and she's got mad sexiness (rawr!). She can calm the crazy in my head with a simple hug. She's the perfect source of stinging criticisms that I know are true (I can't seem to listen to myself for some reason). Her eyes give credence to the saying that they are the windows to the soul.

I feel so lucky to have known her these last 20 years, to have grown up with her, to have tackled the many difficulties in life together that would have been so much harder to face without her. For these reasons, I feel like I've won...I feel like all of us have won (just not as much as me).

Happy Birthday, my love! "

Clearly I have won the jackpot,

found the pot of gold,

went over the rainbow

and eaten the last piece of the award winning pie

My birthday wish is that each of you find this kind of love in life:

in a person,

in a passion,

in a hope.

It is my birthday

image from Vintage Rose Girl

It is my birthday, smack dab in the middle of NIAW...

I use to feel miffed that it fell on "secretary's day" but

I think being reminded of being infertile all week might trump it.

Anyways, there has been enough thick emotional sludge to drag myself through in these last two weeks that I decided that yesterday was the perfect day to start the party.

I sat and had a pity party yesterday afternoon...and then by the early evening I had blown off

enough sorrow to re-focus on some art and my submission to "the way I see it" exhibit over at

The Ladies In Waiting Bookclub site.

I arrived at work this morning, convinced it would be just another day, and my little brother surprised

me and had gotten up early and made me cookies.

They were even warm when he haded them to me.

I am feeling very loved

May this be the start of a wonderful birthday week!

(after the age of 30 you get to celebrate your birthday for a longer time each year,

 didn't you know that? )

Happy Birthday to me

Fragile

I was rushing off to the ER again yesterday to meet my parents. My mother was in pain once again and her bladder was not letting her sleep; making her go to the bathroom every 15minutes.

As I was racing into town, I sent a text message to a friend
 " mom back in ER, I am off to meet her there"

Within a moment, I got a response
" do you need help"

this caused me to cry....not only was the response immediate, but it was an offer from the heart.

I responded
 " I might need an ear to listen later"

immediately followed with a
 " I am here for you"

I felt comforted...and not alone in my journey back into the dark of emotion.

Last week when my mother was in a sleep deprivation state of delusion (she hadn't slept in 4 days and was given an anti anxiety drug to help her sleep; but all it did was agitate her further) she started directing her anger at me.
My father was not allowed in the room (she didn't want to see him) and so heartbroken,
he sat all day in the waiting area.

My mother was convinced that we had put her away. 

I had disappointed her terribly and that "you don't know what it means to give motherly love"

(that was the mildest of her thinking about me) 

after being berated for over two hours I finally called in my brother.

text read:

" I need your help, mom is convinced we have put her away"

My brother arrived and repeated the words I had been saying to her for hours:

No you can not go home yet, you are not healthy enough to go home

Don't pull on your catheter

Your oxygen needs to be in your nose

You can not stand up, your legs are weak from being in bed for four days

She heard him, and aside from removing the batteries from her heart monitor
she behaved herself for him and her nurses.

She refused to make eye contact with me,
 and when she finally fell asleep at 5pm on the 4th day, she slept for 8.5 hours.

I spent the night in the hospital (dad was not allowed in the room still and my brother needed to get back to work), so they wouldn't restain her;
 I feared when she came to from her sleep she would feak out she was restained
 and I got her cathater removed so she " had no strings"

I stayed awake all night.
Watching her and making sure she was safe

When sleeping beauty awoke from her first slumber, she was confused but remembered that she had said some really mean things to me, and started to cry.

I held it together, just barely...

She thought she was in a mental health ward, I told her she was in the hospital

She had a lot of gray areas, and I was happy to answer any questions she had.

I stayed until my father arrived and they were kissing and my dad was proposing to her again.

Then I drove home and took a nap.

I was shaking for most of that day.

Yesterday when the ER call came, I went into "figure it all out" mode again.

I left the house this time and set up a catch-net for myself.

I cried on the way there, and by the time I arrived I was together and able to listen to what doctors said, what my mother wanted and what my father needed.

Consoling my father and advising my mother

When I arrived home at the end of the day Hubby made me a HUGE bowl of Mac and Cheese
 and I sat in my PJ's staring at the wall for a while.

When I finally said something I said: "we are all so fragile"

dazed and emotional-wordless wednesday

This was my everything since Friday afternoon:

My mother was rushed to the ER on Friday and it was discovered that she had a kidney infection that had gone septic, completely dehydrated and dropped her blood pressure to deathly levels.

She is home now

I am speechless today.

Call for artists and creative peeps!!

For detail and entry info click: HERE

Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday-

Remembering to keep believing, in yourself and others

Friday

It is Friday!

I have been in the studio and in the office all week and I really don't have any real thoughts.

I am in a good mood and making things again, so that my mind has less ammunition to attack me with.

I thought I would post a pic of my cat...well one of them.

I have two that I live with

(if you are a cat person you understand that he shares his home with you, not the other way around)

No I am not a crazy cat lady, and as Nicole points out: nor is my cat a kid replacement...

he is a great companion that serves as a company keeper, mood enhancer and bed warmer. 

His thoughts today:

Tonight is the first night of Passover, and my parents home will be filled with all the family that makes me the least comfortable.

There is a group of comfortable family and a group of family that makes me feel judged...

tonight is a night of judges. ugh

I hope that this weekend will counterbalance tonight and be filled with more studio time and a bright and quiet Easter on Sunday.

I wish you all

A Happy Easter and a merry Passover

Friday Funny

I needed a laugh and this fit the bill!

5 minutes of a laughter and carefree singing

*Pop*

Clarence White
American, 1871–1925
Blowing Bubbles, ca. 1900
Vintage cyanotype

I got the depression bubble to pop!

It took a GREAT DEAL of effort, I am not going to lie.

It got dark friends...real dark...I went to places I hadn't visited in a long time.

It was a scary walk through a quiet and dank place.

I even thought about calling my therapist, someone I haven't seen in almost two years; but she gave me the tools and I remembered them as I hung from my fingertips off that cliff.

I worked through it, and used words when questioned in my corner.

I allowed my hubby to see that I was struggling, and he knew what and where I was on my journey. I cried finally and figured out what I was so angry and sad about and then the bubble popped!

It felt so liberating and logical,

I didn't dismiss the process or the work.

It truly SUCKED

Saturday night I had a chance run-in with a collector of my work.

The first question he always has is "You making new work?!"  

I answered that I was trying.

....but as hubby and I were walking away he looked at me and said:

"you are always working on something, even when you are not using your hands, you are thinking of new things and brainstorming about others"

This was something I heard: louder then my mean destructive voices, stronger then the giggles The Barreness was whispering into my ear, and clearer then the dark humm of chaos.

***

Yesterday I spent in the studio, finally!

I took breaks for hugs from hubby

it was like having extra mortar added to my newly restored foundation.

Fighting it all

So I am sure a few of you might have picked up on me fighting some blues these days...

maybe it is a post travel blues thing, maybe it is the creative slump I am in

whatever it is I am fighting it tooth and nail and

trying to find what the switch is and how to turn it in another direction.

The girls day was nice, but I felt so unbelievably lonely when the ladies all went home.

It was like my house was three times quieter and I was sitting there with plates of half eaten food, buzzing from 4 or more cups of tea.

Hubby was gone and I had no one to call...so I left the house and went to wander.

I left he house in an effort to not sit in front of the tv and then hours later

 wonder " what have I been doing with my life?"

I went to the music store.

Yes, I still buy music from an independent music store, I buy whole CD's worth of music and I love LOVE cruising thru bins and aisles of music.

Thank goodness for the "music listening stations" or else I would buy music based on my aesthetic whims and

that has not turned out well in the past.

I bought two CD's I have been thinking about:

The Civil Wars


and the newest
 Radio Head

I am not totally in love with either yet.
but they are growing on me...

In the meantime I got three TOTALLY AWESOME hand mixed CD's from Nicole

I literally cried, I was so touched and excited. What a superhero that woman is!

This last Friday I got to have a date night with hubby. I took him out to dinner and then we were going to see a movie, but the movie we wanted to see got panned and we were not intoxicated enough to forgive that off so we skipped the film and ended up in the music store again.

This time we both spent a good bit of time finding little gems.

Hubby listens to a lot of metal; I can list his purchases if you are interested
We listen to a wide range of music to say the least

This time I bought these albums:

Foster the People

James Brown

Tennis

Cults

I can say I am happier out the gate with these

For me, Music is good, it helps me in moods that I can not seem to control.

Like a scout, leading me through emotions that I either need to deal with or need to walk past.

Needless to say, I am still fighting my fight, but now I have a better soundtrack then my mean voices looping and trying to set me into a downward tailspin

Wordless Wednesday

Treats for you: treats for me

How to make this cake: HERE

It was amazing!

I had no control over the size of the slice, my host handed it to me like this

I didn't finish it, mostly because I had already climbed the walls and offered to clean her rain gutters from all the sugar : )

mmmmmmm sugar