Friday's Inspiration

image via Artfire.com

In an effort to find good things to focus on I came across this article, 

a good reminder of simple acts for others.

One good act feeds another

Karma Yoga as it were:

Names on beams

His point of view

This article was sent to me via a male friend...it is interesting read, and beautifully written...

one note: it might make you cry...so fair warning.

Mechanical

it made me and hubby cry at least

Vacation all I ever wanted...

Firstly, thank you for your sweet and tender words of care.

Hubby mentioned that he wanted to do something this year to mark the loss.

So as the date gets closer, we are exploring meaningful acts that would work for us.

In the meantime...I have been buried in the studio and making art, and mailing submission after submission. The creative act is cathartic and essential for me but it has me thinking about a little break from everything!

It is not so easy, because of a little metal nut,(literally) that our cat ate earlier this year we have been "grounded" of sorts.

It was an expensive vet, ER, surgery and recovery thing that left us with little money.

I am very very thankful for the credit cards and the ability to take care of the cat, who is now happy and fat and playful. We are his people and it is our job to care for him after all.

*

I am sure many of you out there can relate, with cost from IF treatments

Summertime has past, and been a different one for us, well most of this year will be, so we are getting "creative" with our fun time.

We stay at home, watch movies via streaming every now and again...eat out on date night only (Friday's) and visit the bookstore, but don't buy anything. We have cut almost all extras out...My birthday was a potluck, Our anniversary will be a dinner at home most likely, Xmas will be handmade...

It is nice but doesn't stop our driving desire to get the HELL OUT OF DODGE

We are travelers, we are explorers...we are the people who take the long road home so we can find new things...but as much as I run numbers and theories thru my head, we don't have any money to do what we want to do most right now: travel.

****bitching about to begin ****

(you can skip down to my call out to the universe below)

We haven't had a break from all this "can't have a baby" stuff since it was started, 7 years ago!

Our honeymoon took two years of saving, and was our hope to make a baby, by relaxing and getting away (we went to eastern Europe in the winter)...but I was in so much pain, I was either asleep from vicodin or crying. (super romantic) and on return I was in the ER for an ovarian cyst that was about to explode.

SERIOUSLY when do we get a honeymoon ?!

A sweet relaxing, run on the beach (or assorted other lovely places) with the wind in our hair, laughing and smiling and eating lovely foods all while being naked and happy.

We had an extended weekend here and there, but we were either going to a funeral on the East coast, joining two families (5 kids) at a lake or driving for 10hours to meet family for 24hours then then driving back home to get to work. Those were our break aways.... 

***Bitching over***

Call out to the universe!!

I just want to put that out there universe, I think we need a break.

A good one too: not a "hey, here is a three day weekend" kind...or "we'll waive that $5 fee for you"

and my sisterhood needs one too!

All these ladies and gents have been pouring every ounce of love and hope out there and not catching a break. We are do-gooders and kind heart, we help others and clean up after ourselves, we hug strangers and offer kind words. We are the breathe of fresh air and why people are so glad to meet us, because " they are so nice"

Come on, there is a lot of crap out there right now, and a lot of crappy people are getting really big breaks...why not spread the good things to us:

 GOOD PEOPLE

KIND HEARTED SOULS

the ones that SMILE thru pain

LAUGH AT TRIALS AND CHALLENGES

STILL BELIEVE THERE IS GOOD IN THE WORLD

We have held up our deal...now you can do some work too!!

It is the Autumnal equinox..we are tucking the sun into bed, like a cocoon...

I hope this weekend will be the start of something better for us all!

hugs sisters

Wordless Wednesday

Things are heavy in my heart and mind, I am fighting some deep sorrow....

but I am fighting; so I am focusing on the good in that.

Here is my (inspiration) medicine for today:

Impending Anniversary

The anniversary of the first of my three miscarriages is coming up and has created a very raw feeling.

Mostly,  it feels like I am standing in the shower and the emotions are washing over me; some remain on my skin like droplets, others fall to the ground and wash away.

 I am still not sure how I am going to emotionally move thru the day.

 It has been two years, but it feels like it is about to happen again.

 Like my body needs to relive the fear and sorrow.

I am just not sure how I can do that.

On this day

*I didn't want to write about this, but after meditating on why it became obvious I needed to*

I don't watch television or listen to the radio on this day...I don't like to remember this day.

This day was a devastating day for too many people (understatement)

and I don't like to relive it or be reminded of it.

It is not that I do not acknowledge it, or honor it...it is simply too too painful still.

Five years ago in the early morning hours I was sitting on my Nana's bed, whispering into her ear, smiling with a brave face and taking deep breaths for her. She meanwhile was struggling to take her own air and was slowly slipping into her next journey...

I know she if fine, she told me so...but it still hurts.

10years ago I was working at a map company and my job RADICALLY changed from a simple customer service person, to a witness, a confidant, and a person of interest. I was thrown into the chaos of the day, all while trying to comprehend what was happening and terrified of the immediate hate that that would be set into motion. The simple interesting job that I had taken on a mere year beforehand was now all consuming in my dreams and thoughts.

This day set into motion several more years of nightmarish phone conversations

from strangers and officials.

I don't like to remember this day; not because I do not care, but because I care so so very much.

Cry me a river

Today we went to a bar mitzvah, I am pretty sure everyone knows what that is so I am not going to link it to a wiki explanation. It was for a son of a second or third cousin...regardless, someone we keep in contact with but are far from close to.

I have no idea what the teen is like to talk to, or what his favorite food is.

I simply know he is family and that it was important to acknowledge this passage into adulthood.

We got there a little early, found a seat and started to watch people arrive.

We are not religious people, so when in a house of worship, we take the time to look around

and take in all the treasures, this place looked like the inside of a ship...like we were inside an ark.

It was pretty cool and intimate; we didn't feel lost in a big building or

removed from where the service was being held.

When the ceremony started we followed along and sang the hymns we knew and followed the instructions of the rabbi. It was mellow and we didn't feel silly for not knowing the words or a prayer.

Once the Bar Mitzvah boy took the stage we all smiled and encouraged him along. He did wonderful, seemed calm and ready for his reading.

( he arrived with bright green headphones on, mouthing words to himself it was cute)

When he finally read his portion I started to feel weepy...I am not sure why, but I kept it together...trying to follow along. I mean why cry at a Bar Mitzvah?!

Who does that!

When his parents came up to present him with his personal prayer shawl, I began to cry, then his mom and dad spoke and offered words of love and advice and I couldn't keep it in any longer,

I let myself cry.

Hubby saw this and simply placed his hand on my leg and kept it there...letting me know I was not alone.

When the service was finished I went to the bathroom, and found other women there who were checking their mascara. They were expressing what a beautiful service it was and how they were crying at the mothers words to her son.

I stayed in the stall for as long as I could, allowing the others to clear out before checking my own makeup.

I found hubby outside and chatting with some other family, we shared some conversations with my godparents and the bar mitzvah boy's grandparents. It was at this moment I decided to not attend the reception. Hubby was fine with this, although it did seem to disappoint our family a little.

(I am a big pleaser, so this decision left me feeling quite guilty)

~

As we drove away in silence I was reflecting why I had decided to not go to the reception.

After some contemplation I realized I was doing some self care.

Not only for myself but also for Hubby.

We both were reflecting about how we will miss this milestone in our own child's life...we won't be in our cousins place, shuttling our child to and from Hebrew school, organizing a party or offering advice on being an adult.

Hubby said that he was putting himself into another place when his emotions started to swell

I on the other hand, simply let them flow.

I have never cried at a bar mitzvah before, I am not sure why this hit me so hard, but I am feeling quite fragile and libel to cry in any public place it seems.

Now hubby is checking/watching me like a hawk and asking every hour or so " you doing OK?"

I think as a way to not only keep tabs on me, but himself as well.

Alone at night

Recently my dreams have been highly ramped up....masses of details and information has been pouring into my dream eyes and mind. I am not sure what it all means but I often find myself frustrated at m=not being able to remember all the littlest details when I wake. I have begun to say my dreams out loud the moment I wake up as a way to anchor them of sorts. Writing them down, doesn't work for me as I am blind as a bat and getting my glasses on awakens me to a new level and things begin to fall off the edges and fade rapidly. So now with my eyes still closed, I am reciting my dreams to the air above my head.

This morning I told hubby of the one I had last night.

"I was checking in on an older neighbor that lived next door and she would not speak, but I knew she was not well. She would convey her wellness in states of color, in clothing.

The more color the sicker she was feeling.

When I went to check on her, she opened the door in a rainbow banded Mexican style dress with vivid white, yellow, orange red and green cascading down to her bare feet. 

but her face was a pale green she was waving her arms at me and leaning to the side.

I ran to her door and entered her home, we were then in a far back bedroom where I could tell she was going to collapse. 

I grabbed her shoulders and felt the heat of a fever from her skin. 

She was suddenly small, very frail and she motioned for her dog to come to her. It was a dog I had given her for company. She was then a child and patting its back like an infant would do.

We both sat there and I could feel the fur of the dog on my hand and see its floppy ears silhouetted in the light coming thru the windows..

 I could tell she(the neighbor) was struggling to breathe, and I looked into her eyes and said 

" Rae we love you so very much, you are so so loved"

and with that I woke up.

I felt a longing when I awoke, but not a sadness.

Women's Health...get some!

I am a fan of "feeling healthy", heck I think we all need to be BIG fans of it.

I saw this trailer today and laughed out loud

We all have spent so much time in stirrups with tears running down our faces.

These stirrup scenes made me laugh. 

Happy Monday and go get some !!

He was...

So for the last two years, my high school boyfriend has come thru town on business.

We get together for a couple hours and share a meal.

It's nice.

He sent an email last year and asked if we (hubby) and me could join him for dinner.

It ended up being just me...and it was fine but surreal.

We have remained friends and the spoken via emails thru the years...

but

We hadn't seen each other in person since my wedding in 2002.

Dinner was a strange combination of flashbacks and memories and giggly conversations.

We mostly reasserted that we would continue to be friends and that we had shared a really important time in our lives so it seemed stranger to simply not ever talk to each other.

Since my wedding he also had gotten married.

(I am thrilled for him, as I remember many calls where I was consoling him and letting him know that he was going to find a perfect person.

It was going to happen.

It did and since then he seems to be so so so happy.

That makes me happy too!

Even though he is an old boyfriend, more importantly he is a friend.)

We talked about his wife and their life and family...and I asked if they were thinking about becoming parents.

At this dinner, I also found out he never wanted kids.

I had never known that.

we dated for a year and a half!

I told him I was sorry; that I assumed he did since he came from such a big family.

Shame on me.

He laughed and said, that helped him decide he didn't want kids!

We laughed about that.

Last month I got an email saying he was in town again and could we do dinner.

This time hubby's work schedule allowed him to make it and so the three of us had dinner together. Surreal once again.

This time I sat between my husband and my old boyfriend in a U shaped booth.

I am gonna be honest; I was nervous getting ready for dinner, and when getting dressed I wanted to make sure I looked OK...not fat or thin or tired or crazy.

Hubby found this quite funny.

When he arrived I had forgotten how tall he was and that lead to a bunch more flashbacks to events shared, conversations, and what it was like to be a teenager with him.

This quickly shifted to a checklist in my head.

As I sat there and shared pleasant, benign conversation about work, parents, family...

I started to wonder what my life would have been like with him.

I listened as I heard him tell me what he enjoys doing on the weekends and time off

and

what he and his wife hope for and share.

Nothing matched with my interests

Our story was just the classic teenage romance-

meets high school graduation -

meets I want to find myself.

poor guy, I was too independent/free spirited for him.

We learned a lot along the way.

I realised as we left and I was still in a daze- and forgot my leftovers on the restaurant table...

I think we were meant to share just that time in our lives, and not much more then

simply catching up and checking in with each other now.

I would be heartbroken if we never spoke again, but as my hubby said as we drove away.

" It was so clear that there was no spark left between you too"

He was a great boyfriend

Tuesdays Inspiration

I was moved when I heard this story on NPR this morning.

I was humbled and inspired when I learned the route she traveled....

She has just received her 10th degree
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2011/08/05/DD181KHUV0.DTL

I am a wanderer

I am feeling sort of shifty, not really here or there.

I am making packets for proposals, but don't really seem focused.

This of course starts a spiral into self loathing and personal attacks.

Earlier this week, I was invited to get some drinks with past co-workers.

I said maybe and really thought I would go.

As the day approached, I began having panic attacks.

I was flashing back to when I first learned of our infertility.

It all happened while I was holding down that job...all the "stat" appointments and tests

the visits to the ER and the arms full of bruises.

The tears and sudden need to to leave work.

All the stress and memories flooded back and I was suddenly having little movies of moments there.

All the bad moments, shared with these people...and it left me horribly uncomfortable.

On the day of the event, I lied and said I had mixed up work schedules and couldn't make it.

I felt badly for bowing out, but in many ways it felt like I needed to take this stand.

I am working so so hard on feeling whole again, and the collection of these people make me remember when I was not a whole person. So I walked away.

I got a text from someone that attended that simply said "you are missed"

I am sure it was from The Barreness

Not helping....

My hubby has a hard time with adoption, not adopted people, but the process...or the proce$$

He says that after all we have been thru that the idea of pinning our hopes on another long and unknown ending is a hard pill to swallow.

This broke in today's news....it doesn't help him or us

 just adds sadness to an already heartbreaking reality

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Sunny Side of the Street

I am feeling a little better...maybe distracted would be a better adjective.

Hubby is watching me like a hawk and we keep saying our mantras to each other.

I am focusing on all the wonderful things we can do together, that are completely ours.

What it means for us to be a family of two and how that is going to be fine.

We have each other to work with when things get murky and when we are knee deep in the

shitty feelings, and muddy emotions.

We are still able to laugh and hug each other and communicate without words.

I know this ride is really on an ocean and that there are tall waves of joy and sorrow 

but I also know that I can simply float and see where each place takes me...or swim in a direction of my choosing.

I seem to have these moments of intense clarity after a beating from The Barreness

she is resting and plotting her next attack I am sure...but I am working really hard on making myself less available to her and making her wait even longer.

Wait there Barreness, I'll see if I can find her.....

feel free to have a seat I think it might be a while.

Shot down

Well since the "fight thing" there has been a lot less TV in the house...a lot more reading and simply enjoying the patio and the amazingly mild summer we are having so far.

We do still record shows that we both like or want to watch because they make us laugh....one of the new ones we watch is called Love Bites...it kind of reminds me of a "Love American style" kind of show. That variety show came on when I was a kid and they were more like vignettes then long stories...this program is similar and feeds our desire to not watch a lot and our short attention spans.

Anywhooo I was sitting and working on some art stuff and watching this recorded show, then this part came on:

http://www.nbc.com/love-bites/video/ep-107-a-very-special-delivery/1340894

(background, sister is surrogate for sister and has now had baby, it has been quite funny) 

I was a puddle of tears when this was over...my hubby was doing the dishes and looked up because I was suddenly silent.
( She shot me, tackled me...and began to punch me over and over in my heart)

I was never going to be in this scenario, or one similar to it....then in a moment of panic I looked at hubby and said : Do you want to try something else?!

I think he was as shocked as I was...I was asking if we should open Pandora's box again.

(The Barreness was rubbing her hands together, getting ready for another take-down)

I questioned our choices and decisions to this moment. I told him I would do whatever he wanted me to do. I would take any drug, do any test, go to any doctor...I simply wanted him to have the experience of being a dad. Being crazed and stereotypical and excited about a child.
Hubby rushed over to me and hugged me and I began sobbing, snot running down my nose and onto his shoulder...I couldn't look at him.
He said what would I do if it was simply up to me? If I was the one making all the choices for us.
I told him I didn't want to be in pain
I asked him the same question, what would he do if he made all the choices about this?
He said he would be right here, with me.

Hubby has been noticing fathers and children a lot more; recently he has even been pointing them out and I can see the sadness and disappointment in him face.
It breaks my heart, literally I can feel it crack in my chest.
this compounded with a family member undergoing IVF has caused me to fell less then solid
I am easily sucked into my abyss of questions and self doubt.

I told him again yesterday that I would do whatever he wants me to...
He said that it amazing him to think that I would simply overlook years and years of blinding pain, sadness and trauma for another shot at the same results.
(Madness, simply crazed madness~ she was feeding me by a spoon)

I told him that knowing it is all my fault, all of this was because of me...
that I didn't want him to regret marrying me.
Wake up one day when he was 68 and look at me and think, all that I could never give him.
He grabbed me hard and fast and whispered into my ear:
I will NEVER regret marrying you

(laughing in her ear, she is sure now that she will always have some control )

Baby dolphins

I commute. A lot

Mind you, a good chunk of my trip is along the coast,

it is pretty to watch the sun rise and set over the water.

One of the benefits of all this ocean time is that we sometimes see animals.

Today, I saw baby dolphins playing in the waves while adults feed on fish and seabirds waited for leftovers. My hubby had seen baby dolphins once while I was driving
and
I thought he was teasing me.
~

Today I saw them and the shock in my voice upon seeing them sent us into a fit of laughter.

We pulled over and I grabbed my little pocket camera and shot some images of the ocean.

It was windy, so you can hear that whipping be me.
Although most of them show no baby dolphins...it was still cool.

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful that I am staying away from the TV lately.

Like in an almost cold turkey sort of way

It has been beneficial as of late seeing that the whole world is going to hell in a handbasket.

I don't know the details of the latest trial, the newest outfit that is walking down Rodeo drive, where Paris H is and do I feel like I am missing something? Nope

but...

To be honest, I have turned off the TV since last weeks "fight" with hubby.

We had a falling out;  we don't do that...we have been together just about 19yrs and I can count on ONE hand the amount of times we have raised our voices to each other.

So they tend to be day that are remembered.

This last one, was brought on by bad timing and poor communication.

Hubby was entrenched in a video game and I had plans for him to answer my booty call!

problem is, he didn't

and then made a statement that turned it back onto me making it look like it was my fault.

Neither of us slept...nor spoke

This poured into the next morning and we had it out!

We are all fine now...a little shaken still but back on the same page again

He was mad that the TV is on all the time and he doesn't want to sit and watch TV.

When I told him that 99% of the time I have it turned on is because, it will allow me to sit in the same room as him while he is typing away at a video game and not talking to me.

It is my company keeper when he is not vocal.

Needless to say, we have made some changes.

I have only watched one show since last Thursday. Really.

Now he and I have read together after work or sat outside and enjoyed the evening air.

We don't need to talk the whole time, but we are spending better time together.

This is what I am really thankful for.

Happy Thankful Thursday



Independence Day

Happy Independence Day

May some day soon all us infertiles be free

from

sadness

pain and hopelessness

Wordless Wednesday

Mac and Cheese

sometimes that is all you need to make everything

just right

Coming and going

Well the 6th grader is running amok....

I had done some work during the day, and was getting kind of burnt out and tired by 8:30pm so I asked hubby if he was up for getting the hell out of the house.

He was and so our adventure to find food in town began.

Turns out, that unless you want to eat at a bar everything in town pretty much closes by 9ish. 

We finally decided on a greasy diner where we quickly ordered up,

 ready for this one.....

Onion rings

Coffee shake 

and

strawberry shortcake

Yep, that was dinner last night! 

I think I use to live off of the few microns of nutrition french fries provides all thru high school...

Somehow this dinner choice made sense, at least that is what we had convinced ourselves.

While driving home and wondering out loud where we left the digestive enzymes,

we saw a sign for a soon to arrive restaurant down the street...it said "coming soon"

that lead to us creating a menu for the

"Coming Soon Cafe"

all dishes are served in a cream sauce

then there are the side dishes

creamed corn

creamed spinach

cream of wheat

or

you can have

Beef Stroganoff

Everyone leaves with a smile on their face

Now I think, it has enlisted the 6th grader in my hubby just to show off how crass they can be
*sigh*