Tuesday, April 29, 2014

My plate is full

clearly my essential oils to "magnify my purpose" are working

So I am busy...really crazy busy, 
like so busy I am paralyzed and unable to decide which task to do first kind of busy
.....ever been that way?

I have 10 pieces to frame for upcoming shows that all pretty much need to be done by this weekend.
That is a lot of mat board and math and frame
I can totally do it but for some reason I feel compelled to sit and eat tortilla chips and watch some horrible television instead. What am I doing!!

This last weekend I had some friends over to eat some cake and make me smile...it worked
My father even participated in a music jam session...so the house was filled with sound and laughter.
it was nice...really nice and a great cherry to the weekend before sundae that I was still digesting.
I ate and loved fiddle head fern
as well as everything else that got shoved into my pie-hole

I am currently over committing myself to friends:
I made hand printed coasters for the bride and groom
the back side has three different designs too
I also volunteered, well didn't say no to a bride to be friend, who has asked me to make the cakes for her upcoming wedding (end of the month) and shoot the official photos of the day...yeah,sigh.
and help with all the other stuff that is coming up too....
Last night she sent a HUGE list of things she wants done the day of or the day before...
you know when I would be baking and sweating and freaking out over her wedding cake stuff....
and I want to help but I am a little overwhelmed...in fact so much so I didn't answer her email yet. 
In all fairness it was sent to three people besides me...who all are helping too.
I think that is my latest response to being overwhelmed: waiting...pausing.
In reflection that is probably a really good thing, because if I say something RIGHT away I would most likely add more to my already full plate of commitments and then really feel like taking to a cave and hiding.
I will answer her...I just need to slowly read it all again and figure it out.

I know I am gonna get it all done, and the pressure will be something that I don't like but I can do it and it will be completed and good events will follow suit...but until then....I can vent here and in the tub at night.

I have also been reflecting on being child free...someone asked me at the gym the other day if I had kids.
I simply said nope
She was kind of unsure what to say so she said "well kids aren't for everyone"
I just smiled
I use to answer, no, I have cats....but I was finding that it was a cop-out...like: no, but the cats are just as good. So this was the first time I got to say what I really felt.
I was OK with it, no need to overshare, or be snarky or drop an emo bomb...
It felt comfortable and right.
I watch my SIL juggle a little one and two others and see her still trying to be herself and a wife.
I am thankful for that...both all she is doing and that I am not juggling all that too!
That is a huge step I think for myself...I am really finding comfort again in my self.

On a side note:

This is what I got from my mom and pop on my birthday...
yep, baked goodies and a fresh skull from an owl pellet
I love that the randomness in my life is coming back!

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

I Forgot....

I have been in my own head and so I am not here...strangely enough.
I am still in my three times a week practice, eating the cleanest I can 6 days a week and teaching myself what I can about how to navigate this life of mine.
It wasn't until I received the annual email asking for my opinion or input on a research study some post graduate is doing on infertility and art therapy did I realize that it was NIAW.
I actually forgot!
Like totally forgot....
Last year I was mad and made a pledge to not talk about it, as it really felt that I was preaching the choir. We all know about infertility and how much it hurts and what we don't want people to say to us and what a long and personal road it is to regain our sense of self again....
so why tell each other.
I am waiting to respond to the request...
I am not in a hurry to remind my body and heart about my journey through the fire...
sorry post grad, you are gonna have to wait.

photo by: Arthur Leipzig
PLUS it is my birthday week! the actual day is Friday and I am feeling beyond lucky as The Barren swept me up last weekend and took me on an all surprise trip....
He had been planning it for weeks and it is so outside his personality to keep a secret, that all I saw was this as a massive gesture of love.
He gave me the gift of a weekend with him, and to top that, my best friend!
WHAT A GIFT time with your best friend, and hubby and music and junk food and love and time, time time...I was feeling so overwhelmed with love over the weekend
that I kept busting into tears of joy...and gratitude and glee.
I looked nuts and puffy eyed most of the time.
My bestest lives 3/4 of a days drive away and so the gift was HUGE.
We went to a concert, got dressed up and watched people dance, ate spicy indian food, played in the city and ate junk food and groaned and made fart jokes into the night.

Now as I come down, and plan a little thing here so I can share some time with the parents....
I reflect on how much I am growing.
So much in my heart and hopes and life
There was a moment over the weekend as we drove from a drink spot to a junk food spot as midnight approached...a moment when I realized that The Barren and I lead a different life than most...and that it is pretty cool to move so freely and openly. My bestest said it reminded her that she needs to get them out more often and do stuff outside their comfort zone.
One of the many reasons I love her....
So I think my darkest hours are becoming memories
I protect them still but understand that they are floating somewhere else now.
I heard that I friend is having a baby, after much trouble and heartbreak and I said out to the universe
" let their home be filled with children"
I am happy here
happy heart