Today's Inspiration-Thankful Thursday

I hope the dark days are behind me for another year....I saw this today and it made me smile.

Thank you for all your warm heartfelt wishes, they were felt deeply in my darkness.

Wordless Wednesday

"Most people are afraid of suffering. But suffering is a kind of mud to help the lotus flower grow. There cannot be a lotus flower without the mud."

Thich Nhat Hanh

I know a lot of people know this phrase, but it seemed to resonate in me today

Today

I awoke in a bright mood, yesterday was another story...but today I feel less heavy in the heart.

At least for the moment

I have asked hubby to join me at the ocean tonight...for some reason it feels like the right place to be, to say hello to the lost little ones.

Yesterday I was overwhelmed with emotion, I am not really sure what was the trigger, or why it felt so much like balancing an overfilled cup of tea...ripples running across the surface, threatening to spill at any moment.

The most heartbreaking moment yesterday happened in plain sight, and touched a deep place in me.

I watched my nephew fight against fear yesterday, as he described to his father the contents of a box of Halloween decor that he said was "super scary". The threat of that box being opened again was terrifying to him and witnessing him work thru these new and uncomfortable moments had me struggling to keep the tears within my lids.

When he was born, we had been struggling for years and I had just been given the "you are not going to get pregnant, we suggest you have a hysterectomy" speech again.

In my mind, I was convinced that my little boy had simply been delivered to my brother instead of me.

I had not been clear in my call to the universe, it seemed.

As heartbreaking as it was/is , I am thankful that I get to watch him grow and be whomever he becomes.

Tonight we are together as we were two years ago, except that tonight, I will not be in shock from loss. I hope to be wrapped around hubby, feeling how warm and full our love still is despite all that life seems to throw or drag us thru.

The past repeats itself

Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion

-Buddha

I am not sure where to start, after recovering from this cold...I am left sad.

In fact today I actually said aloud " boy, it is heavy. I can feel it pushing into my chest"

The first of three, happened two years ago Friday.

I am trying to really process all these feelings.

Something has shifted again within me.

Like a knowledge, an understanding of sorts.

Like when you are faced with a complex puzzle, at first you are overwhelmed and everything becomes frantic and blurred and chaotic.

Then after staring at it for a while you realize that there is a solution, but it is a labored one.

It can be solved.

I feel like that these days. Like I have realized my boat sailed.

~

I am standing on the shore watching it fade into the horizon, sometimes waving a fancy scarf on tip-toes with a smile and a tear.
Other times, just staring dazed, as tears stream down my cheeks.

Knowing I will never be a passenger on that ship.

~

I am trying to be kind to myself, allow myself to be quiet...

allowing myself to cry, if there are tears...

scream if there is rage..

Mostly tho, I feel defensive, and short of breath

We are filling our home this weekend with friends and family.
I wanted to infuse some joy into the house.
Maybe I am secretly wanting to push all the sorrow out...
let it go let it pass into the next place.

We build an altar for Dia De Los Muertos; I have little things for the lost ones...they are represented on the altar...quietly

One of the things I struggle with daily, is the feeling of not feeling connected to the past, for I can not create a future generation.

My mother was sent recently, a piece of family genealogy and it lists my great great grandparents birth homes and children and dates...the normal stuff.

I had always known that my great great grandmother had 11 children and my great grandfather use to tease her if she " just had one more it would be an even dozen"

This offered many laughs thru the generations.

There is a note on her record that she did have 11 babies, but only 8 lived.

She lost 3 babies too.

It made me feel her so closely, it scared me.

Maybe I am feeling her too, maybe history does repeat itself,

and this is how I connect with them.

Sick and Tired

http://annetaintor.com/

I am fighting a cold...or a cootie, regardless I am not feeling like me these days.

Last week I spent a couple of hours painting faces at my niece's school fair. 

They needed help and when it was known that my niece had an Artist that was her aunt I was asked if I would participate.

I had no problem doing just that...

I felt strong and ready to be around lovely adorable children. 

It appeared to be important to my niece so it was then important for me.

I painted whiskers, and horses, skulls and flames and rainbows and yin/yangs...

it was a busy two hours and I painted around runways of snot and sneezing and wind...crazy crazy wind.

Then one of the mothers said " when are you leaving? " I told her I had signed up for two hours and she said " well, your time is up" so I stopped dead in my tracks, put down the brush and paint and walked away.

It was clear I was not wanted needed any longer.

I was quite proud of myself, 

I did the whole stint without feeling pain, or sorrow. 

It was fun to hear what these little people wanted to decorate their faces with....

what they fantasized about.

Two days after this, I went to take family pictures for a friend. 

She and I were trying to get pregnant at the same time 

(she was trying for a second child and I was still just trying)

She has an almost 2 year old and I am two years older. 

I was greeted with two more snotty kids, touching everything in sight

...I was being bombarded with boogers.

So it really should be no surprise that I got a SuPER cootie: 

sore throat, into stuffy head into fevers on and off for a couple of days.

Hubby has the starts of it now, and he was recounting who has the super cootie at his workplace

and became clear that we were doomed to get it.

I decided to not bitch about the ick I was feeling as I reflected on the fact I simply have to take care of me.

No one else requires my attentions, I don't have to drive anyone to school or make lunches or any of those motherly duties...

Instead I just had to get me out to the market to pick up makings for soup...

it was just me that had to make sure I took my fever reducer and cough drops...

it was just me that slept on the couch so hubby could sleep during my coughing fits and night sweats.

it was just me.

Words for Wednesday

I think I need to add this womans mantra to my mix

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children*.
*(this part does not dictate happiness) Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.
We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.
Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "

(The girl on the picture is French model Tara Lynn)

Friday's Inspiration

image via Artfire.com

In an effort to find good things to focus on I came across this article, 

a good reminder of simple acts for others.

One good act feeds another

Karma Yoga as it were:

Names on beams

His point of view

This article was sent to me via a male friend...it is interesting read, and beautifully written...

one note: it might make you cry...so fair warning.

Mechanical

it made me and hubby cry at least

Vacation all I ever wanted...

Firstly, thank you for your sweet and tender words of care.

Hubby mentioned that he wanted to do something this year to mark the loss.

So as the date gets closer, we are exploring meaningful acts that would work for us.

In the meantime...I have been buried in the studio and making art, and mailing submission after submission. The creative act is cathartic and essential for me but it has me thinking about a little break from everything!

It is not so easy, because of a little metal nut,(literally) that our cat ate earlier this year we have been "grounded" of sorts.

It was an expensive vet, ER, surgery and recovery thing that left us with little money.

I am very very thankful for the credit cards and the ability to take care of the cat, who is now happy and fat and playful. We are his people and it is our job to care for him after all.

*

I am sure many of you out there can relate, with cost from IF treatments

Summertime has past, and been a different one for us, well most of this year will be, so we are getting "creative" with our fun time.

We stay at home, watch movies via streaming every now and again...eat out on date night only (Friday's) and visit the bookstore, but don't buy anything. We have cut almost all extras out...My birthday was a potluck, Our anniversary will be a dinner at home most likely, Xmas will be handmade...

It is nice but doesn't stop our driving desire to get the HELL OUT OF DODGE

We are travelers, we are explorers...we are the people who take the long road home so we can find new things...but as much as I run numbers and theories thru my head, we don't have any money to do what we want to do most right now: travel.

****bitching about to begin ****

(you can skip down to my call out to the universe below)

We haven't had a break from all this "can't have a baby" stuff since it was started, 7 years ago!

Our honeymoon took two years of saving, and was our hope to make a baby, by relaxing and getting away (we went to eastern Europe in the winter)...but I was in so much pain, I was either asleep from vicodin or crying. (super romantic) and on return I was in the ER for an ovarian cyst that was about to explode.

SERIOUSLY when do we get a honeymoon ?!

A sweet relaxing, run on the beach (or assorted other lovely places) with the wind in our hair, laughing and smiling and eating lovely foods all while being naked and happy.

We had an extended weekend here and there, but we were either going to a funeral on the East coast, joining two families (5 kids) at a lake or driving for 10hours to meet family for 24hours then then driving back home to get to work. Those were our break aways.... 

***Bitching over***

Call out to the universe!!

I just want to put that out there universe, I think we need a break.

A good one too: not a "hey, here is a three day weekend" kind...or "we'll waive that $5 fee for you"

and my sisterhood needs one too!

All these ladies and gents have been pouring every ounce of love and hope out there and not catching a break. We are do-gooders and kind heart, we help others and clean up after ourselves, we hug strangers and offer kind words. We are the breathe of fresh air and why people are so glad to meet us, because " they are so nice"

Come on, there is a lot of crap out there right now, and a lot of crappy people are getting really big breaks...why not spread the good things to us:

 GOOD PEOPLE

KIND HEARTED SOULS

the ones that SMILE thru pain

LAUGH AT TRIALS AND CHALLENGES

STILL BELIEVE THERE IS GOOD IN THE WORLD

We have held up our deal...now you can do some work too!!

It is the Autumnal equinox..we are tucking the sun into bed, like a cocoon...

I hope this weekend will be the start of something better for us all!

hugs sisters

Wordless Wednesday

Things are heavy in my heart and mind, I am fighting some deep sorrow....

but I am fighting; so I am focusing on the good in that.

Here is my (inspiration) medicine for today:

Impending Anniversary

The anniversary of the first of my three miscarriages is coming up and has created a very raw feeling.

Mostly,  it feels like I am standing in the shower and the emotions are washing over me; some remain on my skin like droplets, others fall to the ground and wash away.

 I am still not sure how I am going to emotionally move thru the day.

 It has been two years, but it feels like it is about to happen again.

 Like my body needs to relive the fear and sorrow.

I am just not sure how I can do that.

On this day

*I didn't want to write about this, but after meditating on why it became obvious I needed to*

I don't watch television or listen to the radio on this day...I don't like to remember this day.

This day was a devastating day for too many people (understatement)

and I don't like to relive it or be reminded of it.

It is not that I do not acknowledge it, or honor it...it is simply too too painful still.

Five years ago in the early morning hours I was sitting on my Nana's bed, whispering into her ear, smiling with a brave face and taking deep breaths for her. She meanwhile was struggling to take her own air and was slowly slipping into her next journey...

I know she if fine, she told me so...but it still hurts.

10years ago I was working at a map company and my job RADICALLY changed from a simple customer service person, to a witness, a confidant, and a person of interest. I was thrown into the chaos of the day, all while trying to comprehend what was happening and terrified of the immediate hate that that would be set into motion. The simple interesting job that I had taken on a mere year beforehand was now all consuming in my dreams and thoughts.

This day set into motion several more years of nightmarish phone conversations

from strangers and officials.

I don't like to remember this day; not because I do not care, but because I care so so very much.

Cry me a river

Today we went to a bar mitzvah, I am pretty sure everyone knows what that is so I am not going to link it to a wiki explanation. It was for a son of a second or third cousin...regardless, someone we keep in contact with but are far from close to.

I have no idea what the teen is like to talk to, or what his favorite food is.

I simply know he is family and that it was important to acknowledge this passage into adulthood.

We got there a little early, found a seat and started to watch people arrive.

We are not religious people, so when in a house of worship, we take the time to look around

and take in all the treasures, this place looked like the inside of a ship...like we were inside an ark.

It was pretty cool and intimate; we didn't feel lost in a big building or

removed from where the service was being held.

When the ceremony started we followed along and sang the hymns we knew and followed the instructions of the rabbi. It was mellow and we didn't feel silly for not knowing the words or a prayer.

Once the Bar Mitzvah boy took the stage we all smiled and encouraged him along. He did wonderful, seemed calm and ready for his reading.

( he arrived with bright green headphones on, mouthing words to himself it was cute)

When he finally read his portion I started to feel weepy...I am not sure why, but I kept it together...trying to follow along. I mean why cry at a Bar Mitzvah?!

Who does that!

When his parents came up to present him with his personal prayer shawl, I began to cry, then his mom and dad spoke and offered words of love and advice and I couldn't keep it in any longer,

I let myself cry.

Hubby saw this and simply placed his hand on my leg and kept it there...letting me know I was not alone.

When the service was finished I went to the bathroom, and found other women there who were checking their mascara. They were expressing what a beautiful service it was and how they were crying at the mothers words to her son.

I stayed in the stall for as long as I could, allowing the others to clear out before checking my own makeup.

I found hubby outside and chatting with some other family, we shared some conversations with my godparents and the bar mitzvah boy's grandparents. It was at this moment I decided to not attend the reception. Hubby was fine with this, although it did seem to disappoint our family a little.

(I am a big pleaser, so this decision left me feeling quite guilty)

~

As we drove away in silence I was reflecting why I had decided to not go to the reception.

After some contemplation I realized I was doing some self care.

Not only for myself but also for Hubby.

We both were reflecting about how we will miss this milestone in our own child's life...we won't be in our cousins place, shuttling our child to and from Hebrew school, organizing a party or offering advice on being an adult.

Hubby said that he was putting himself into another place when his emotions started to swell

I on the other hand, simply let them flow.

I have never cried at a bar mitzvah before, I am not sure why this hit me so hard, but I am feeling quite fragile and libel to cry in any public place it seems.

Now hubby is checking/watching me like a hawk and asking every hour or so " you doing OK?"

I think as a way to not only keep tabs on me, but himself as well.

Alone at night

Recently my dreams have been highly ramped up....masses of details and information has been pouring into my dream eyes and mind. I am not sure what it all means but I often find myself frustrated at m=not being able to remember all the littlest details when I wake. I have begun to say my dreams out loud the moment I wake up as a way to anchor them of sorts. Writing them down, doesn't work for me as I am blind as a bat and getting my glasses on awakens me to a new level and things begin to fall off the edges and fade rapidly. So now with my eyes still closed, I am reciting my dreams to the air above my head.

This morning I told hubby of the one I had last night.

"I was checking in on an older neighbor that lived next door and she would not speak, but I knew she was not well. She would convey her wellness in states of color, in clothing.

The more color the sicker she was feeling.

When I went to check on her, she opened the door in a rainbow banded Mexican style dress with vivid white, yellow, orange red and green cascading down to her bare feet. 

but her face was a pale green she was waving her arms at me and leaning to the side.

I ran to her door and entered her home, we were then in a far back bedroom where I could tell she was going to collapse. 

I grabbed her shoulders and felt the heat of a fever from her skin. 

She was suddenly small, very frail and she motioned for her dog to come to her. It was a dog I had given her for company. She was then a child and patting its back like an infant would do.

We both sat there and I could feel the fur of the dog on my hand and see its floppy ears silhouetted in the light coming thru the windows..

 I could tell she(the neighbor) was struggling to breathe, and I looked into her eyes and said 

" Rae we love you so very much, you are so so loved"

and with that I woke up.

I felt a longing when I awoke, but not a sadness.

Women's Health...get some!

I am a fan of "feeling healthy", heck I think we all need to be BIG fans of it.

I saw this trailer today and laughed out loud

We all have spent so much time in stirrups with tears running down our faces.

These stirrup scenes made me laugh. 

Happy Monday and go get some !!

He was...

So for the last two years, my high school boyfriend has come thru town on business.

We get together for a couple hours and share a meal.

It's nice.

He sent an email last year and asked if we (hubby) and me could join him for dinner.

It ended up being just me...and it was fine but surreal.

We have remained friends and the spoken via emails thru the years...

but

We hadn't seen each other in person since my wedding in 2002.

Dinner was a strange combination of flashbacks and memories and giggly conversations.

We mostly reasserted that we would continue to be friends and that we had shared a really important time in our lives so it seemed stranger to simply not ever talk to each other.

Since my wedding he also had gotten married.

(I am thrilled for him, as I remember many calls where I was consoling him and letting him know that he was going to find a perfect person.

It was going to happen.

It did and since then he seems to be so so so happy.

That makes me happy too!

Even though he is an old boyfriend, more importantly he is a friend.)

We talked about his wife and their life and family...and I asked if they were thinking about becoming parents.

At this dinner, I also found out he never wanted kids.

I had never known that.

we dated for a year and a half!

I told him I was sorry; that I assumed he did since he came from such a big family.

Shame on me.

He laughed and said, that helped him decide he didn't want kids!

We laughed about that.

Last month I got an email saying he was in town again and could we do dinner.

This time hubby's work schedule allowed him to make it and so the three of us had dinner together. Surreal once again.

This time I sat between my husband and my old boyfriend in a U shaped booth.

I am gonna be honest; I was nervous getting ready for dinner, and when getting dressed I wanted to make sure I looked OK...not fat or thin or tired or crazy.

Hubby found this quite funny.

When he arrived I had forgotten how tall he was and that lead to a bunch more flashbacks to events shared, conversations, and what it was like to be a teenager with him.

This quickly shifted to a checklist in my head.

As I sat there and shared pleasant, benign conversation about work, parents, family...

I started to wonder what my life would have been like with him.

I listened as I heard him tell me what he enjoys doing on the weekends and time off

and

what he and his wife hope for and share.

Nothing matched with my interests

Our story was just the classic teenage romance-

meets high school graduation -

meets I want to find myself.

poor guy, I was too independent/free spirited for him.

We learned a lot along the way.

I realised as we left and I was still in a daze- and forgot my leftovers on the restaurant table...

I think we were meant to share just that time in our lives, and not much more then

simply catching up and checking in with each other now.

I would be heartbroken if we never spoke again, but as my hubby said as we drove away.

" It was so clear that there was no spark left between you too"

He was a great boyfriend

Tuesdays Inspiration

I was moved when I heard this story on NPR this morning.

I was humbled and inspired when I learned the route she traveled....

She has just received her 10th degree
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2011/08/05/DD181KHUV0.DTL

I am a wanderer

I am feeling sort of shifty, not really here or there.

I am making packets for proposals, but don't really seem focused.

This of course starts a spiral into self loathing and personal attacks.

Earlier this week, I was invited to get some drinks with past co-workers.

I said maybe and really thought I would go.

As the day approached, I began having panic attacks.

I was flashing back to when I first learned of our infertility.

It all happened while I was holding down that job...all the "stat" appointments and tests

the visits to the ER and the arms full of bruises.

The tears and sudden need to to leave work.

All the stress and memories flooded back and I was suddenly having little movies of moments there.

All the bad moments, shared with these people...and it left me horribly uncomfortable.

On the day of the event, I lied and said I had mixed up work schedules and couldn't make it.

I felt badly for bowing out, but in many ways it felt like I needed to take this stand.

I am working so so hard on feeling whole again, and the collection of these people make me remember when I was not a whole person. So I walked away.

I got a text from someone that attended that simply said "you are missed"

I am sure it was from The Barreness

Not helping....

My hubby has a hard time with adoption, not adopted people, but the process...or the proce$$

He says that after all we have been thru that the idea of pinning our hopes on another long and unknown ending is a hard pill to swallow.

This broke in today's news....it doesn't help him or us

 just adds sadness to an already heartbreaking reality

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Sunny Side of the Street

I am feeling a little better...maybe distracted would be a better adjective.

Hubby is watching me like a hawk and we keep saying our mantras to each other.

I am focusing on all the wonderful things we can do together, that are completely ours.

What it means for us to be a family of two and how that is going to be fine.

We have each other to work with when things get murky and when we are knee deep in the

shitty feelings, and muddy emotions.

We are still able to laugh and hug each other and communicate without words.

I know this ride is really on an ocean and that there are tall waves of joy and sorrow 

but I also know that I can simply float and see where each place takes me...or swim in a direction of my choosing.

I seem to have these moments of intense clarity after a beating from The Barreness

she is resting and plotting her next attack I am sure...but I am working really hard on making myself less available to her and making her wait even longer.

Wait there Barreness, I'll see if I can find her.....

feel free to have a seat I think it might be a while.