Wordless Wednesday

 

I think things are really changing



Landed

 

 

I have finally landed.

I realize that I have no control as to when people leave this earth,
and what I can control or moderate is the way I process it.
It makes me quiet, fearful and very vulnerable.

This is what I have learned.

 

I have been working hard on focus.

Focus in life; within my work and inward.

I have skipped some yoga days, but still get to class three times a week at least.

This last week was my cycle and I skipped two days, but not from pain

but because my art required I not miss some deadlines.
It was liberating to be able to function well and almost ignore the fact that another
cycle has passed.

The Barren was invited to a baby shower for a co-worker, he declined but I whipped up a gift
for him to take into the office and deliver to the father to be.
It was easy and I felt no pain, anguish or sadness from sewing up a couple little things.
I was thankful for that.
The hardest part was writing a little note to a couple I didn't know.

Valentines day was a celebration of us.
We dressed up and I took The Barren out to a fancy dinner at a hip new eatery.
We drank, and ate and laughed and had a genuinely good time.
Including stopping at an ice cream parlor after dinner for a second dessert!
We have both reflected on that several times since.
I think it is topping our list for future weekends, something we are aiming for now.

I had to rewrite some artist documents this last week, update my descriptions about my work
and myself. It was very hard, so hard that I had to ask for help from my business group.
It was a slice of humble pie, as I realized I needed help and then that I had to ask for it.
It played out well, and in the end I was able to rewrite the documents without
loosing my voice, and yet still convey the level of professionalism I was aiming for.
Fingers crossed for some new GOOD changes this year.

I am taking it slowly, and methodically
feeding my heart, my mind and my body
 

Shit is getting real....

crime: failed to return a cup of sugar

 

 

I am not quite sure what I am feeling these days:

 

In the last month, I have heard of two more women the same age as me

having double mastectomies

and this last week alone

a suicide of a high school art classmate

and today the death of a college classmate

(We had been on a study abroad trip together)

 

It has triggered a fear that I am not present enough in my life.

...like in a moment to moment way.

I am constantly thinking about my own mortality;

fearful that my life will end at any moment.

I am scared

 

I am trying to feel all these feelings and not hide from them

but they are quite overwhelming

and big

and REAL

 

On the inside I feel like a person walking in tiny circles

hands clutched and curled into my cheast

fearful that someone will literally

rip my heart out of me.

 

On the outside I am trying to smile, keep my eyes open

and be calm...and imagine a soothing unhaunted slumber at days end.