I finished.. .

I blogged all month long, I finished NaBloPoMo

I never thought I would have so many reflections on being infertile or how it has touched me daily.

I got a call from the doctor's office...I need an MRI to determine what kind of monster we are dealing with.

In many ways I am glad to know I will finally get a picture of my questionable uterus, in other ways I am afraid of what kind of fear-speech I will get next. 

All I know is that things have grown and they have grown fast.

Soooo I am back to waiting for more information and being my own best advocate.

Initiate brave face....and smile

I might be mad at my reproductive system, but I have no desire to have it removed, or strangled or harmed.

It is mine and I am dead set on keeping it.

Only time will tell

I made it thru the exam. I drank as much water as I could, but it was not enough....

My poor uterus was slumped over my bladder for the abdominal portion of the ultrasound...so she had to push down quite hard to see all around it.

I ignored the discomfort and tried to not beat myself up about not drinking more water.

The tech was once again incredible and sympathetic and kind...I thanked her for that and it made her blush.

She is also kind enough to say out loud what she is seeing, or doing...another reason I travel out of my way to have her do the ultrasounds.

All seems to still be there, some are harder to see than others but their presence is known, the details lost.

She said very kindly...." I think I will be seeing you again soon" which is code for all is not gone.
She said under her voice that it appeared that one is quite camped out, and the cyst on my ovary is so much a part of its host that she can not tell where one ends and the other begins.

The doctor's report will state more details and measurements...I simply must wait and see.

Wait and see if this two year run is over, and for the sake of my messed up repo system I go back on the pill or I continue the wait and see. Sometimes I think, just go back onto the pill...but then I remember all the things that bum me out about it: handfuls of hair falling out, loosing the curl in what hair remains, the loss of my newly reclaimed sex drive, the mood swings...the fact that I am back on the pill.

I have been to this crossroads before and as sure at times as I am, I am just as unsure.

I know I only get this time around in this life...and I have waited a long time for this spin and have spent a lot of time waiting...simply waiting for a period, a pain to leave, a vision to come....for things to make sense.

I am still having to be patient.

I can see The Barreness, she is smirking at me...wondering which choice I will make now. She treats it like a chess match and has already calculated her moves based on my know responses.

My desire is to fool her this time.

Follow-up

I have an ultrasound at 7:45am tomorrow.

It is a follow-up to one done in July, where a complex cyst was found. The NP seemed concerned and wanted to get me in ASAP, but after she saw the date realized that we needed to wait 4 months before doing the next one.

Tomorrow is that next one. I go to a hospital, and check in to have it done, as it a tiny town and that is the way things are done. Plus the tech there was the first to be kind, compassionate and did not give me the "keep tryin" speech.

Tonight I am just working on not being nervous, I am also trying to drink more water so the AM chug of 40 ounces will not seem as extreme.

Every ultrasound has revealed a new finding, and I just hope this one reveals that the "questionable cyst" is gone or normal.

I have been experiencing new ligament discomfort, in fact most of last week was either the rocks in my bladder or the tight plucking sensation over my right ovary.

On another note, I have been off the pill for almost two years and in that time I have not had one ER visit.

One victory.

Aside

I spent the day working and avoiding work..it is a delicate balance.

The neighbor ordered a bouncy...It is parked outside my workroom. It started as white noise...a dull buzz.

Then as my distractions dropped, it came into focus of sorts.

I became more and more aware of it.

I worked as I heard squeals and jarring voices from jumping.

Then came the parent that was pretending to be a monster, chasing the children...roaring and more squealing.

Then came me mentioning a movie, a way to get out of the house.

The rain arrived shortly afterwards and the jumper fell silent,

I was thankful to Mother Nature for providing us a break from our own daydreams.

It is that time of the year

So now that Thanksgiving is a thing of the past, it is time to focus on Christmas.

At least that is what I am being fed everywhere I go

I usually watch a lot less television this time of year, as the commercials get so so hard to ignore.

There are families and traditions and colors and emotions.

It becomes harder to go the store to shop for simple things like toilet paper and salsa. There is Christmas music everywhere and children in tow. School is out and the patience level of parents drops as they mow thru stores and life trying to get things done and presents wrapped and food made.

All the while I float and bare witness to mothers yelling at their children in SUV's and fathers screaming at their kids to listen.

I caught sight of myself in the reflection of the car window today and I look tired.

 I wonder how I can get my zip back...

what can I do to pull it all together again?

I want to have a holiday, feel like everything is happy and festive.

Special and memorable, like I am creating a memory for just ourselves and that that is ok,

not just something we have settled for.

Present

Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.

 ~Cherokee Indian Proverb

I tried to keep this in mind today, I wanted to have an old fashion thanksgiving.

One where I wasn't reminded of the long road that we have walked.

I awoke early to make my great Aunt's sweet potato recipe.

Alone in the kitchen I washed and cut the tubers and put them on the stove to boil.

As I mashed them up I thought of my Aunt making the dish so many times in her life, I thought of my grandmother making the dish many times in her life and I thought of how I am now making it.

For a moment, I felt like I was connected to my past.

At the table I was asked about the sweet potato dish and as I am the only one who still makes it, I said:

I need to make sure someone can make it besides me, and in that same moment I said...

I will teach my nephew...

it was quick and I felt no pain about it.

It was like I was normal for a moment.

I am thankful for that.

Warmth

This morning before the sun was even up, we got back into our car and drove out of the ice and snow back home. Our 36 hour trip had come to an end.

Before leaving we knocked on my sister-in-laws door and were directed into the warm dark room, where we found little quiet lumps in the bed. 

I could see their little bodies, curled into soft curves, hair all disheveled.

I dreamt of this moment for myself, many time over...

walking into a dark room, smelling the soft scent of their breath in the air.

Hearing them quietly breathe and knowing that they were safe and mine.

This is the closest I can get; a welcomed visitor into a family members room.

It was heartbreaking.

I wanted to whisper into their ear during their early morning dreams; but all I could do was rest my hand onto their head feel their silken hair in my fingers and quickly kiss their cheek.

Hopefully I was able to let them know I loved them, even if I still wasn't strong enough to sit and watch them sleep.

A Quiet Moment

After a loud morning, filled with conversations about coloring,exploding trucks and mini fridges being flung open and their contents spilled across the floor of the room...we are enjoying a quiet afternoon with adults only. All afternoon we have enjoyed the simple company of family and adult conversations.

My nephews are running around in snow with cousins.

tonight they will simply sleep.

Introductions

Currently in the beginning stages of introductions; I am trying to carefully and honestly introduce myself to my nephews. 

At dinner I was trying to memorize their movements and the sound of their voices. Watching the nuances of their hands coloring or eyebrows furrowing as they ate.

I am trying to make up for memories I have yet to create

My bags

I am running around the house crazed as I am not sure what to do first.

I will be visiting with family and as wonderful as it is...and infrequent, I am anxious.

Some of our family is not as connected to us than other parts of our family, so when we are together for something more then a meal it gets strange and awkward.

My sister-in-laws get pregnant easily, I sometimes wonder if they simply mention they they want another baby and it is done. When we told this sister-in-law about our efforts not being as easy, she simply cried and said "I feel so sorry for you"

That created a wedge for me, and since then I have been gun-shy to share much else,
heck almost anything else.

When her first son was born and she visited the first time, I was handed my nephew "here take him for awhile" I was terrified, and frankly wanted to put him down and run far far far away. My mother-in-law insisted on constantly handing him off to me; when the second nephew came along, my husband was my barricade, he took the small one and I stood next to him trembling inside and wanting to vaporize.
Fearing that my sister-in-law would need to run errands and disappear for several hours leaving me and my nephews sitting on the floor and crying.

Now we are visiting again, and although they are several years old, I am still afraid.
They don't really know me outside of the knowledge that I send a card for their birthday and Christmas.
I try and ask about them a lot but often get information via my mother in law.

My first interactions with them were when they were little and I was in the most painful process of my infertility. I hope they don't remember that part...I hope they don't remember the Aunt that wanted to hold them and snuggle but was so so raw inside she held back and cried all night long afterwards.

Dinner out

Had dinner out at an old friends home, and actively spent the night trying to not mention children the whole time.

It was much easier then I thought it would be.

Currently enjoying the after effects of fondue and wine and bread

In this months mail...

I was cleaning up around the place and found a pile of letters that I had put aside to shred as junk mail.

On a fluke I opened up a letter from my senator for my district...it was close to election time so I assumed it was a political letter urging me to vote or something.

Turns out it was a personal letter written from the senator,

telling me how he read the article published in my local paper about my show:

 "thank you for sharing your art and your tragic story with the community. Your strength in difficult times serves as an inspiration to us all. My heart goes out to you and your husband for your trials"

I am surprised and a bit floored that he or someone in his office took the time to write me a letter.

as La Belette said today:

#8. I want to be totally okay with what is and surprised by how marvelous the future will be.

Family photos

I was looking thru some pictures from our four day summer vaca this year and started to wonder...who will look at our vacation pictures when we are old?

What is the purpose of putting the images into albums and labeling where we are and what we did?

I know that a lot of it is for myself and hubby to reflect on but what happens after us? Do they simply get thrown into the trash or given to a thrift store?

Does that mean all memory of us disappears too?

Wordless Wednesday

Ripples

Sometimes you are just walking against the flow, wearing the wrong color,

wake up on the wrong side of the bed, eat the wrong things, show up at the wrong time.

Today was that day.

Tomorrow will be better

Mother Nature

I still have my period...

I sometimes watch the color leave my face, or the wonder just how much blood I am really loosing.

Mostly I just float, and wonder

birthday

Today was my nephews 3rd birthday party.

About three years ago I was weeping

today I was laughing.

Although he is not my son, he is my nephew and is bringing me joy. 

Mixed

Although I knew the answer it never sits well.

I was alone when I took the test. It sat quietly within me.

On this same weekend, I am making the birthday cake for my Nephew.

I asked my brother and sister-in-law if I could, I asked if I could make all their cakes.

I need to express myself, my loss; in making something sweet for the little people in my life.

I would never be able to have that experience otherwise, and lucky for me, it was welcomed and appreciated.

My home smells of sugar and I have a mountain of cupcakes waiting to be frosted.

Tomorrow, thru my pain pill (as my period arrived late today) I will watch my nephew, I will see people parenting and hear children laugh and play.

Then crawl home, and tuck myself into bed...trying to make the memory of those sounds my lullaby;

not a haunting symphony of mockery and taunts

Quiet

Hubby just called to say  that he will not be home until late.

He is meeting with friends and relaxing his Friday night away.

In some ways it hurts my feelings...I work all day so that by Friday night we can hang out together

...in other ways I realize it is really important that he has his space and time.

I am home, in the quiet of the house.

My period is late again, and I have a pee stick sitting on the counter waiting for me to address it.

I know I am not pregnant, I just need to see the negative sign so I don't torture myself all weekend waiting for my cycle to kick into gear.

I have eaten too much chocolate today in hopes it would kick my ovary and the cycle will start

....no luck so far.

The road is laid ahead of me and I simply need to take that first step to start the daydream of "what if..."

I choose to stand still and check my compass first.

tired

I have some serious baking to do this coming weekend.

I am gonna work on not pulling it into my heart too deeply.

More to come

Wordless Wednesday



Hindsight

I survived the eye exam today, but left feeling broken and waited to cry until I got back to the car.

I have come to understand that I will not find a doctor, that wants to be a healer.

I went to the EYE doctor for goodness sake and the constant teasing of my poor eyesight, the jokes about how I needed a German Shepard and that I have old eyes were just too much to bear by the end.

I ordered my new prescription and left with eyes the size of saucers.

I am sure that if I haven't had years of doctors telling me all the things that are wrong with my body, it might not have been such a big deal but I think it simply just reconfirms that I do not like doctors anymore.

I simply need to interact with them in order to keep myself healthy, despite them.

Toddle

Toddle: to walk with short toddering steps in the manner of a young child.

I took myself to a party supply store the other day in preparation for decorating my nephews birthday cake.

I asked shortly before his first birthday for the "contract" to make his birthday cake.

It was a massive accomplishment to get to that point, and I wanted to celebrate his first time around the sun.

When he was born we had been trying to get pregnant for a while and I tried to comfort myself with the idea that the little boy I had dreamed of was simply delivered to the family; but a different set of arms and home.
It worked for a little bit....but since has been another silent symbol of what has not come true for us.

Meanwhile, back at this party store......
I was mindlessly wandering thru aisles of colorful decorations, frosting tips and plastic platters. A woman and her two young-ish daugthers came in and asked for the "christening stuff" I heard her and her daughters find the items they were looking for and then start commenting about the baby shower items...all while I was deciding which color yellow was the "yewlow" my nephew wanted for his cake.
I made a mental note to myself to not go down the next aisle as it had the baby stuff on it and it didn't have anything I needed on it.
The lady and her daugthers proceeded to shop and where getting balloons filled when I began to see what other gems this shop had. I was daydreaming about parties and fun gatherings all while looking at these fun light decorations. I got some cellophane bags for the goodies and then I saw the Fiesta stuff...being a big Dia De Los Muertos fan I always take a look at what else is out there what could work on next years altar. Crepe paper flowers, I use to know how to make those as a kid....
turn around to see the other side of the aisle and ....BAM
Smack dab in front of me...cowboy stuff
I was so blown off guard...I was so prepared to not go down the baby shower aisle.
All those stick ponies and chaps and wanted posters...and straw hats and and and
I was totally spun , I felt the tears welling up in my eyes, I started to breathe really hard...I was actually looking for a place to hide!
I somehow, found the strength to turn around and stand in the corner of the store.
I got my head together and went to check out.

I was drunk, I was spun, I was so shaken, I was toddling...

Lily

My heart goes out today...

I read this morning that Lily Allen has had another miscarriage

and is currently in the hospital with a blood-poisoning condition, septicaemia.

I know she is a music personality, and that this is news that is being reported in the tabloids...

but she is still a woman trying to become a mother and facing devastating losses along her trip.

I am saying a little mediation for her and her sweetie.

Loss is loss, no matter who you are.

Long Long Long

It's been a long long long time,

How could I ever have lost you

When I loved you.

It took a long long long time

Now I'm so happy I found you

How I love you

So many tears I was searching,

So many tears I was wasting, oh. Oh--

Now I can see you, be you

How can I ever misplace you

How I want you

Oh I love you

You know that I need you.

Ooh I love you.

Beatles Song, White Album, Lyrics George Harrison

lovely

A lovely pair of glasses of wine and an evening with my hubby has taken my words away.

Have a wonderful Friday night.

I am having a great time.

Daydream

Mother and Daughter, Kathmandu Nepal

This morning while having a birthday breakfast for me brother, I got lost.

I slowly floated into a seduction.

I watched while my sister-in-law created a hairstyle out of my nieces tangled locks.

The slow brushing, the quiet contemplation of playing with the rubber bands.

The smell of her freshly cleaned hair and the warmth of the color.

My mother caught me, she wrapped her arm around me and gave me a kiss.

I was awoken into reality and my own messy locks.

wordless wednesday

Illustrated guide to parental obligations -- Utagawa Yoshitora, 1880



The University of California, San Francisco (UCSF) maintains a collection of 400 health-themed woodblock prints from 19th-century Japan. The collection -- which includes drug advertisements, illustrated instructions for treating and preventing contagious diseases, and visual guides to the human body -- offers a unique look at Japanese medical knowledge in the late Edo and early Meiji periods

thanks to:
http://pinktentacle.com/2010/09/medical-woodblock-prints-from-19th-century-japan/

Cinderella

Cinderella, dressed in yellow

went upstairs to kiss a 'fella

made a mistake

and kissed a snake

how many doctors

did it take?

1 year later

1 year ago, while celebrating our 7th year wedding anniversary I had a miscarriage.

We spent the weekend, quiet and reflective and wounded.

When October 30th came around this year, I woke up and cried and apologized to my hubby.

I cooked food all day and then I filled my home with friends and family,

and quietly imagined what would have been.

Our Dia De Los Muertos altar is built and filled with family and a little reminder of our sweet little someone.