Aligned

It is gonna be quite a week!

Today my niece (15yrs old) is having a 10cm cyst **removed from her left ovary

The same surgery I had

the same ovary

27years earlier

The doctor assured her parents that she would also look for endo

She has no questions, but like many teens is only concerned about needles.

She is set to have the operation about 3 hours from now.

I gave my brother tips that helped me make the experience more comfortable....

most of my suggestions have fallen outside the wall he and my sister in law have constructed.

My father asked me a couple questions through gritted teeth the night he and my mother found out...

He is angry about it.

I think it is safe to say we all are concerned 

I am hopeful that she will be better after the surgery than her current state.

The cyst can be seen bulging from her tummy when she lays down.

I am thankful that they are checking for endo 

and that ideally will find nothing or able to remove what is found.

I am at the studio and home today. 

I was told there was no reason for me to be there today.

(I'll be at the door to the wall, with pear juice, some magazines and GasX in hand tomorrow)

*********************

The Barren is traveling for work this week

He is thousands of miles away.

I didn't get the morning call and TOTALLY had a massive panic attack

He finally called a half hour later, and when I heard his voice I tumbled into a puddle

unable to hide my concern and fears.

He apologized repeatedly 

Why the concern? He had a coworker/friend die on a work trip 

So since then I have been pretty terrified 

He travels again the first week of May

**********************

I am due to get my first real period soon...I think today but who knows?!

It feels like it is readying herself....but I don't really know

so the wait begins

**************************

The Barren's Aunt is donating a kidney today

I found out via social media...

*****************

My birthday is Thursday

I have no plans, no parties, other than take a yoga class in the afternoon

I had a sweet treat time with The Barren this past weekend...

Put on a pretty dress, had a fancy drink and got some much needed time with him 

It is a strangely aligned week.

I am cleaning and dumping old paperwork out of corners of the house to keep myself busy.

The world feels different

**The cyst was 14cm and consisted of three pieces all surrounding her ovary. One included hair, the other two had thick liquid in them. The surgery lasted 2.5hours and in the removal she lost a portion of her left ovary. The doctor assured her parents that the portion that remains has eggs/follicles and her tube is healthy...the doctor was glad she got her in so quickly as this was a ticking bomb.

Mind Games

So this not bleeding thing is pretty awesome...

I am comfortable, and feeling like me...whatever that means, I am still learning.

I actually laughed out loud when I read this

Last Friday I went to class and as I entered the studio I had the optics appear before a migraine..

I ran out to the car and took my aspirin and then returned to the studio to take class.

normally my optics don't mean anything except slow down...so I did

the optical stuff dissipated (thanks aspirin) and I felt better, I had opened my vessels and I was putting super oxygenated blood into my brain...

well about half way through class the pain started...I slowed down and did as much as I could.

At the end of class I sat for a little bit thinking maybe it was too hot, or my blood pressure needed to regulate. It was pounding as I walked to the car...and I was feeling quite un-okay.

I had to pick up something from the pharmacy and was thankful that they had a drive thru window, as I smelt REALLY strong and could not imagine masking the pain I was experiencing.

I made it home, ate some pre-made soup and fell into bed.

The cat kept me company:

I was down for the rest of the day, moaning and waiting to be able to take a migraine pill

it was areal adulting moment and I figured as the hormones regulate to my own thing...I might be flattened every once in a while.

The next day I sliced my thumb open while framing artwork and I got to the see The Barren almost pass out from seeing the blood flow outta my finger and into the sink and neighboring counters.

Meanwhile I was looking to see how many fingers were indeed involved in the slip.

It was just my thumb, on my dominate hand.

It didn't hurt and I was strangely calm...

it stopped bleeding and I got to reassure The Barren that it was not infected...

I kept telling him that my body heals itself.

It is amazingly reliable that way.

I spent Sunday on the couch, hiding from additional possible things I could hurt myself on.

Other than that...I am trying to stay busy.

Take yoga as often as possible

eat well

take my vitamins

get sleep

and try and find time with my hubby

We seem to be ships passing-

our schedules are not aligning much and he has back to back travel for business coming up starting next week. So the solo thing is something I need to get cozy with.

We tell each other how much we miss each other...but time never seems to synchronize.

So, still waiting for that big sexual peak thing to snap into place, 

while we are both in the room.

This latest transition is very mortal

I am reminded a lot of my impermanence

I am not sure if it is because I am more aware of it now 

or if I had missed the signs all these years...

Continue to be kind to yourself

A whole new womb

***below is some babble-and bad punctuation***

I am entering a whole new stage of womanhood 

and closing the door on the reproductive years.

it is so very bittersweet

Even with a decade plus of absolute heartbreak and 

another myriad of years of confusion 

with a sense of being untethered to any one point or direction in my life...

I am here now

I am not on any birth control and I have finally stopped bleeding!

I am kind of in shock about that still...

After bleeding daily for 6 months it is strange to suddenly not!

I even have a bit of my sex drive returning, which lets face it, is a BIG DEAL!

I was actually kind of mad that I would miss my sexual prime 

under a haze of birth control pills...

Seems I might get some fun outta this yet!

We (The Barren and I ) seem to run in tangents and this whole new road has intersected with a need to "organize" our lives a bit more. Which has manifested in cleaning out old boxes and flushing the dead space. I think with the recent loss of our beloved cat, we needed to shift the energy and this seemed like the closest sitting duck.

It has meant that I have gone through boxes and boxes of memories! 

What we had imagined for myself, what I had passion in and where it landed.

We got rid of kids things, and toys we kept in the house for nieces and nephews,

 all of which are too old for them now.

We kept saying " someone else will be really excited by this" 

as we plopped it into a give away box for the thrift store.

At the end of the day, he felt like he could breathe easier and

 I had nights filled with dreams of lost items and crashes into buildings!

We are being kind about how quickly we make choices, sometimes they will just be repacked and put back into storage, to be opened in the future when things feel less raw. Other times It seems like a brave and heroic feat to let go of the item.

It is a strange time...

I am really feeling like I am floating in a vast unknown land.

I am really in this blind, I do not remember anyone talking or telling me what to expect as you transition into menopause...nothing in sex ed, or doctors or anything!

Well, not until last year when the word was used for the first time in my life in reference to me!

Even after asking what that meant, it was still " it can be anything" was the most precise response, which still seemed lacking at best. 

I am not afraid anymore...I am trying to take each day as it comes.

Some have sorrow wrapped into them, some are manic and I am super energetic and ready to take on the world! As I wait out the readjustment of hormones I will play along as best I can...

be kind to myself, and not give too much away.