Spent on the sidelines

***Trigger warning***

Miscarriage

So I went to the doctor

I must say the level of kindness at the doctors office far exceeded my past experiences 

so there is a "good on you" sticker for them.

I was asked repeatedly if I was alright, and that they were really sorry.

I did express how even after all these years, I was able to find and access that deep sadness and numbness without any effort.

That is a shock still.

I peed in a cup

Had my temp and blood pressure taken (both elevated)

I had a pelvic exam

I was asked to recount what I had experienced over the last two weeks.

I like to give deep details in fear that something would be left out that was needed.

The nurse practitioner said she had ideas about what might be happening

I had all the signs of a miscarriage, but also unstable uterine wall

also peri-menopausal response

My fibroids or cysts or endo acting up

also she didn't know...

but felt that the longer I was on BCP the swing in hormones 

would eventually taper the bleeding.

So I went to get a blood test to check my 

HcG levels

My FSH

and my iron, because I kept saying that I was really tired.

I also had an order for a pelvic ultrasound.

I was the last appointment for the blood lab before lunch break.

The lady that drew my blood was saying how hungry she was over and over again....

and then as she was taking my blood said:

" I have a really good feeling about this potential pregnancy"

I said, " well, that's good"

and told her to enjoy her lunch.

I left and drove home to fall into a puddle.

Dr's office called the following day to say I am not starting menopause

(at least via hormone levels)

I am anemic and to take a multi vitamin and eat iron rich foods

and the lab didn't run the HCG blood test for some reason...

Did I ask them not to?!

And did I still want to do that.

An additional four days had passed and I told her no, 

I didn't think anything would be left to see.

I am now about to go and have my ultrasound

I am anxious and nervous about my cysts and fibroids having changed.

I am still spotting, and I know this ultrasound tech.

She is compassionate and listens and gives me a heads up 

if I need to be concerned about something she sees.

I am off to drink my water and get probed.

Then, then I can feel unpoked for a couple weeks before my annual checkup

In the meantime I will work on feeling more connected with my body again, as I currently feel quite removed from it....like I am watching from the sidelines.