Thursday, August 15, 2019

Broken Lines

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I have been commenting on blogs, but they never seem to appear on the comments section.
So I read what you are writing and have been leaving comments, 
but for some reason they are falling into the ether.

Please know I am trying, 
I try via anonymous and with the website and google logins...
all voids

So sorry that you are not getting my messages of support and hope and sisterhood.

I needed to say that first and foremost.


Tuesday, July 30, 2019

One on One time

It seems to have become an annual event.
Every July we get some serious one-on-one time with our closest nephew.
Closest, meaning proximity.

*(there are two other nephews, but their parents and years of no responses to requests or cards...has created a distance in what we had hoped to be a relationship with them.)

ANYWAYS.....
this year was the longest amount of time with our nephew, he was at our place for three nights.
He is 11 and totally into Manga comics and video games and cartoons and KITTENS
Our old man cat wanted nothing to do with his attempts at snuggles or pats...
he chose to spend his time curled under my desk sleeping on the power strip and sulking
 at HIS unwanted company. 

So I suggested that we go to the Humane Society and check out kittens.
I am not sure I totally thought the idea through when it came to my own mental health about seeing touching or interacting with kittens....
I am still quite broken from the loss of our kitty back in February and now the aging cat at home...
I am dealing with a lot of mortality in felines.

We went for half an hour on the first visit because we were meeting Uncle for lunch and and needed to pick up food before seeing him....I thought it would be and easy in and out...
It was easy to get in and out...but I was very standoff-ish with all kitties.
The following day he mentioned he wanted to go back and visit them again....
I figured it would be fine and it took a chunk of time of the day and it made him happy.
We returned and there were twice as many kittens and cats...
9week old kittens, to mature cats...
he wanted to snuggle them all...it made him so happy and smile so big...
I watched him, and offered help when claws were too sharp or wiggles too strong.

This sweet little kitty is the one that made me cry.
As I was handed this kitten, so he could play with another eager soul...
I held it close to my chest and it melted into purrs and I turned away from my nephew...
tears welling in my eyes, feeling the soft fur and rumbles of the purr against my chest.
Before the tears could fall, I told him that my heart hurt and that we should move on to the older cats...or dogs.
He was a little confused but was willing to move onto the next room.

The second visit was all about making sure to see and say hello to every kitten and cat, and then hello to every dog. That sweet little boy even sat with a dog that had a "I'm shy" sign on her kennel for almost a half an hour to make her feel better.
When the time came to leave, he said goodbye to every dog, cat and kitten.
and told me that he felt badly that he could not take them home.

I assured him that what he was feeling was empathy and compassion and that those are really wonderful emotions and that means that you are a loving person and capable of loving other beings.

The next morning I saw that one the kittens he was crazy about was adopted, and shared the news with him, his smile was huge...and he said- that is so great!
He is still to young to volunteer without and adult....but I mentioned it to him and his parents.

I spent three days, all day with my nephew...in the evenings The Barren made sure I took some quiet time for myself before bed.
I was exhausted, the nephew would have active dreams at night and call out waking The Barren and myself. He was fighting with his sisters in his dreams...having things taken by them. He remembers none of the dreams and awoke each morning happy and ready to be entertained.

I loved the time, and tried really hard to give him loads of space and time to just be.
Pool time, puzzle time, reading time, park time, making cookies, we even watched surfers and he declared he wanted to do that too.
I listened to exaggerated stories and claims, I sat and watched cartoons and simply soaked him in.
I introduced him to Bob Marley music and we sang along to Queen songs.

I do hope that he remembers being able to just be himself when he is with us.
I really love being his Auntie

Monday, July 22, 2019

The Letter

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"Yoga Goddess, 

I have debated reaching out...but felt it was important for you to know that you have a secret ally in your corner.
I am sorry life is sucking so very badly...
This is not the way you imagined....anything.
I can not imagine what you are going through, but I can empathize as we spent nearly a decade trying to build a family.

When we were trying there was not a lot of resources and still a lot of stigma.
I found this site very helpful for resources and knowledge:
she has organized everything (left side) under topics and it might help in some way.
https://www.stirrup-queens.com

Please forgive me if I have overstepped or made you feel like you haven't thought of this yourself.
I am happy to answer any questions you might have or 
help in anyway you might find you are in need of.

I continue to be a dedicated yogi, and friendly face in the crowd.
Smiles and hopes,
The Barreness "


I was haunted with words of advice for the owner of the studio I practice at when:
 she made the start of her IVF journey public knowledge. 
Then came the public spreadsheet of drug costs 
and 
then came the crowd funding page set up by a friend. 
I was going to tell her that pain does not equate your desire to be a mother.
That simply putting the desire out was enough 
but then I realized that she is most likely getting an earful...so I sent the email above.

She responded soon there after, kindly:

"Thank you so much Barreness this means a lot to me!
I’m proud of you for reaching out, and so happy you did. 
I will definitely check out the site you sent over. 
Love you tons!

Xoxo
Yoga Goddess"

At the end of the day I saw it as a call to action.
It was more important to reach out to a fellow woman in need than
sit and watch how this all unfolded...

Thursday, July 04, 2019

Like it was no big deal

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So we had an earthquake this morning.
As a native Californian I have ridden a few out.
My mom tells the story that when I was a baby 
there was a really big quake and it rocked me back to sleep in my crib.
I am no stranger to quakes.
In 1990's there were a couple big bad ones that I was privy too...
one had me rush out of a bathroom in a restaurant because the walls were bowing.
The second was so big, it cracked my grandmothers apartment building and my mother and I drove in to be with her and return to her blackened home for some valuables as the aftershocks kept rattling it, it was like being in a bouncy house but the house was a 3 story apartment building.
(I do not recommend this and my mother does not always make the best decisions)
I think there were 10+ aftershocks that day....

This mornings earth movement was mild compared to those.
It has rattled a lot of people near the epicenter and 
there are no serious injuries reported which is great!

I was on the phone with a cousin who lives in Mexico and said
" oh we are having a quake"
the line was silent 
and then I said "it is still rolling but we are fine."
that is how caviler I can be when I identify the type of quake.
it rolled for 20 seconds.
the plants swayed, the coo coo clock chains swayed the cat paced up and down the hallway...
then it was settled.
No need to take cover, no bowed walls or cracked foundation or turning off the gas.
I have not felt any aftershocks.
We are about 200 miles away from the epicenter so that comes as no surprise.

As soon as it stopped I got a call from a friend who lives around the corner
frantic and panicked and out of sorts and firing rapid questions my way
she is from Florida, so is not prepared for earth movement:
" OMG what was that !
is there a Tsunami warning
where do we go if there is one
I don't like those
I am shaking
What should I do
what is the protocol
hubby is just sitting here like it is no big deal "

I tried REALLY hard to not laugh and assured her that what she just felt was a 
MELLOW experience for an earthquake and that she was safe
Normally you brace yourself in a doorway
DO NOT run outside
wait for the shaking to stop than go about your day.
If there was a Tsunami warning out cell phones would siren
and that street across from your house is taller that your house...
go up there if there is a warning.
stay away from windows and anything that could fall on you
BTW your house is a single story...
the safest kind
you are in the safest house for an earthquake...
you are safe and laugh it off.
(I think I said safe a million times to try and soothe her)

She thanked me and hung up
I checked on her two hours later and she said she was still shaking.
She takes her time processing things I guess...

I laughed a bit while making breakfast
it was alright...I could not do anything to prevent it
we were together and safe
it was over
just a normal California day as far as I was concerned.
 Happy Thursday!
I am going to make some 4th of July tacos now





a little laugh

Wednesday, June 26, 2019

Tiggered

So I am on "summer vacation" which looks like
 a week of not commuting and me trying REALLY HARD 
to focus on all the art things that have fallen to the wayside.
Updating websites and social media and professional sites.

I am also looking for new opportunities and waiting on word from other 
submitted competitions.
I am going to class as often as I can and trying to balance it with having "fun"

I am alone for this week, meaning The Barren has next week off for what we loving call
"music camp"- which is an event that happens annually for him. Where he takes a week off to just play music both intimately with a friend and perform open mic nights.
During that week, I rarely see him and so it is like having a roommate who leaves dirty socks and dishes behind but never seems to be here.
This year, he is taking a second week, so that should be stranger.

When I told him that I had this week off, he said he'd support me by making sure to bring home or make food so I didn't have to think about it.
but...
work got super stressful for him and I am doing what I normally do
laundry
dishes
cleaning the cat box
paying bills
making my own meals and trying to work in the studio
**sigh**
last night we had a blow out because, he came home asking what I wanted for dinner and I told him after a day of reading submission requirements and making a newsletter my brain was blown...
this lead to an argument where neither of us wanted to Adult and make choices for food and so he made himself dinner and left to practice music
I made myself dinner and watched a movie alone and cried.

My yoga classes are good and I feel stronger...
but the owner of the studio is suffering from infertility and is being very open about it on social media and I think I am being a little triggered by it.
ok, maybe a lot triggered.
I feel so deeply for the struggle and the path that she is taking...
first surgery for endo and now they have several failed IUI cycles and declared today that next month they start IVF.
I wished her the best and am trying to not focus on it and just do my practice.
I have also found myself choosing to not attend her classes as I would only think about her struggle instead of my own journey.
**sigh**

I go my period a couple of weekends ago...
52days late.
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I had two train crash days where I was bleeding hard and heavy 
and then it was gone again.
I am thankful and now know what it might be like next time.
strange indeed

The day before my period I fainted before yoga class...
I got up before class started to pee, which I do a lot more than I'd like...but normal stuff
and I got light headed, also normal...you know how your vision is dimmed because your blood pressure is trying to regulate...well it just came at my wave after wave and the world started to tilt and I was thinking " what the hell is happening?!" and then I was awake. 
I have NEVER done that and I fell into the yoga mat storage

I came to fast and because that has never happened to me before 
I just went back into class and did class.
No one saw me faint, and aside from some gnarly bruises it has not happened again.
Although, I am taking precautions when getting up from the floor and in transitions.

So that is my summer so far....
oh and I delivered a HUGE project for a new hotel...
that had been in the making for over a year.
and it will knock down a lot of my credit card debt...
having an inconsistent income has some downfalls.
I can't imagine doing anything else...but it will be nice to have less personal debt
and maybe be able to start putting some money into my IRA again...
even if it is just $20 a month.

I think I'm gonna gather coins from the laundry and maybe buy myself an ice cream
it is summer after all!


Monday, May 27, 2019

Changes

"Strange fascinations fascinate me Ah, changes are takin'The pace I'm goin' through"

David Bowie-Changes

I am feeling a little bit like a caterpillar in her cocoon.
I am not sure what to expect, but things are changing.


My body is changing, I am only having small "oh no" moments when I think I have forgotten to take my pill...they are coming farther and farther apart these days.

I have been doing yoga, taking my vitamins, working and trying to come to terms with my body image. That last part seems to be rearing an ugly predictable head and I am trying to "whack a mole" it away.
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Thinking too much about what I look like, what I am eating, looking closely at every hair and line and fold wondering if I can make them go away...or am I really just falling in love with it and fighting that. Like finding something wrong in a potential partner, but only looking for flaws to sabotage the relationship.
I want to be in love with my amazing strong body...

My mindset is shifting too...
We were at farmers market the other day and a toddler was having a fit because a sibling was able to push a  cart or something, and I was able to smile as we walked past it. The Barren watched the little person throw themselves onto the ground and smiled at the determination; and our ability to walk past it.
Normally I would stop and watch it unfold see how the parent dealt with it and take mental notes for myself in a similar situation. 
I don't need to.
I don't nee that knowledge.
I seemed at peace with that, and The Barren seemed calm too.
We are growing, maybe even aging out of the infertility mindset.

We were suppose to host our 15yr old niece this weekend, but she is super behind on her schoolwork and her parents were tired of enforcing her doing her work...but I wasn't and said that she could not come over until she caught up. She has been wishy washy about school work and her mother is as well, while my brother is strict about it for two weeks then folds out of exhaustion from trying to enforce something that my niece could clearly not give two shits about. So I just stepped in and said, she had another week, to catch up.
I felt like, she needs to understand that this is important, it is her first year of high school.

I guess I was being a parent, in an Auntie way.
I am pretty sure things won't change much in the next week...
but I wanted to put my two cents in, I guess.

School was super important to me, and I equated knowledge with freedom. 
I was teased/bullied for being smart in elementary school, so much so, the teachers had a meeting with the class when I wasn't there, which made it worse and so I pulled back and stopped trying. It took years to mentally recoup myself and by the end of high school, I was pushing forward and making great efforts-and college was another hill but I took every class the community college offered and found myself quite smart...
much to the surprise to many around me, who had kept the image of apathetic me in mind.
I love learning and school.
My brother didn't nor did his wife.
so there is that.

The Barren and I have plans for her next weekend, some live local music, bookstores and space to talk or simply draw.
 We look forward to learning more about her, if she allows us.
We are done being a parent and ready to simple be allies or influencers.


Thursday, May 02, 2019

After Party

Niece is healed
I am thankful that she can do things like lay on her stomach and exercise again.
yeah science!

My birthday came and went
birthday outfit

I started the day with yoga...
turns out, the one person I chat with in morning classes is a birthday twin!
Never in my life have I known someone else who shares my birthday!
( I will call it mine even though it is hers too)
CRAZY

I had breakfast chessecake bars with my parents, 
along with an awkward but nice visit.
The Barren sent flowers to me, 
he hasn't done that in years!
and then I was alone...
I wondered what to do.
I bought myself some lunch out
I went to a thrift store
and then came home again still not sure what to do with myself.

I ended the night with some couch time with the cat and then off to bed.
I think I need to plan my birthday activities far better for next year.
I am left with a feeling of disappointment in myself.

The Barren returned and will be leaving again Sunday for another week away....
I am excited about what he will be able to do while away...but I miss him terribly.

I have yet to get my period too...
seems I am already all over the board with my cycles.
I took a pregnancy test yesterday...
just to cross that off my worry list.
Now it is a worry...before it would not have been,
TRANSITIONAL THINKING anyone??
The Barren asked if it felt weird peeing on a stick again...
I said it wasn't too weird except I could hear my heart beating in my ears.


The not bleeding thing is wild, and quite a convenient feature in my day.
I am apocalypse level loaded up on tampons and pads... and if things continue like this, 
I will make them into small grab bags for homeless women I encounter.

I was chatting with a yoga teacher before class the other day and she asked how I was feeling post birthday...she is a true star gazer and always keeps me in the loop about astro changes and how they are linked with mood and life...and I explained aside from the normal existential thoughts around your birthday it feels like something in percolating.

I eagerly await this wonderful new event!
I am done with negative shit