Thursday, April 13, 2017

Boring Thankful Thursday

Once again it has been a while since I have felt compelled to write here...I read your blogs and comment when I am moved to....but I haven't felt the need to blog here. 
I am not sure why.

Distractions...that is what I will blame it on.

I have been battling a sour stomach for months now
...and I finally got tired of taking antacids and waking in the middle of the night from burning pain and so I went to the doctor.

She pushed here and there, asked what I was eating and I listed my boring list of food.
I listed my boring list of vitamins and supplements and she nodded.
I was not eating any "trigger food"
I was simply suffering all the effects of gastritis but there were tests that could be done.

So I did them,
including a long ultrasound session to examine my internal organs.
As the ultrasound technician moved the paddle slathered in ultrasound jelly over my belly...
she gave me the scenic view complete with narrative.
 (I love this about her, she lets you know, without telling you, what she sees and doesn't see)

She showed me half my heart, I waved and said "hello heart".
Then on to the big guns: my liver and gall bladder and kidneys
She made comments like, boy these are boring nothing interesting here...
see if you had a fatty liver they would be different colors...
and these veins are hard to find when healthy...where are they?!

She made me giggle, even though I was so hungry and my stomach acid was almost unbearable.

All the results came in that I didn't have a super scary bacteria that causes ulcers and stomach cancers, and I had healthy organs.
All signs pointed back to gastritis.

I have since, reduced/eliminated my facebook time, and news time and social activism time.
I am stressed out...I am overwhelmed
I am feeling all of the responsibility of everything and for everyone...
I needed to step back.
I am blind in many ways...and it is because I need to take care of me.
It is not ideal, but I am finding that it is really I grudgingly have submitted to it.
Ignorance is not bliss, but it is slowly reducing my stress and ideally reducing my longest and latest flareup episode for gastritis.

I am eating miso and soba noodles, no raw veggies (so strange!) and eating very small bits of food all day long...very slowly! 
Most of my submission art is for fundraising, donated work...although I could really use some funds in the coffee can, this is my happy medium. Finding a stress free way to help others...quietly.

I still do my yoga practice three times a week and it is hard to believe that I am rounding into FOUR years of this!!
 It is the longest and most I have ever stuck to some sort of social physical thing!
 this is truly crazy!!

I learned a new mudra 
mudra (/muˈdrɑː/; Sanskrit मुद्रा, "seal", "mark", or "gesture"; Tibetan: ཕྱག་རྒྱ་ THL chakgya) is a symbolic or ritual gesture in Hinduism and Buddhism. While some mudras involve the entire body, most are performed with the hands and fingers.)  the yellow one:

Your Solar Plexus (Manipura) Chakra is the third Chakra located in your abdomen, above your belly button. It is the energy center responsible for personal power, self-esteem and confidence.

I have been using it while meditating as it seemed quite fitting for
 both infertility and my current situation. 
My meditation only last a few moments....I
 have a monkey mind (constantly going, never really still) 
so I do little sessions when I helps too.

So I am finding that I am boring right now....
I am seeking adventure, but it seems I need to do a few boring things first, 
like laundry and eat miso soup.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Self Awareness

stop the hate, both in yourself and for others

it has been too long....
I have been distracted, by everything...struggling to focus on anything.
I have spread myself thin and opaque.

I started to feel overwhelmed by life...
like I was responsible for everyone, and everything.
I was trying to change the world single-handedly.
I felt the responsibility of everyone's white privilege, I needed to take responsibility for every act of racism and sexism and xenophobia I saw, heard or read.
It became too much!
I was becoming paralyzed.

I have started to triage my life is going much slower than I thought it would...
but I think I have landed on the right path, at least for now it feels like it.

I am still quite politically active, far more than I have ever been in my life!
I find writing a postcard and sending it off is QUITE cathartic.
cheap therapy...I recommend it to anyone; write about anything and send it to anyone!

I had forgotten to take my Vitamin D and felt the effects of the deep sadness...
I have remedied that now as well.

I have been kinder to myself when 4am comes around, and I simply don't feel like driving 40+ miles into town early for practice.
 I know I need to go at least three times a week but sometimes that doesn't happen and that is OK. 

I have felt the changes of aging without children.
My best friend (we live far to many miles from each other) was in town for 36hrs for an art installation and asked me to help. Which I gladly did. She needed to race home to be with her kiddo for his 12th birthday....when I asked he about the day he was born, she started to cry and looked me in the eyes and said that she now knows so many people who can't have children besides me and she feels so thankful that after her miscarriage she was able to get pregnant again and that she is so sorry.
I hugged her and told her it was not a burden she needed to bear, she was allowed to complain and be frustrated and thankful all at the same time!
I felt her pain so deeply.

I have been feeling EVERYTHING so so so deeply.
It is another aspect of my overwhelming of life.

My niece turns 13 today, I unconsciously calculate where I was in trying to create our family.
Each of these children in our lives are markers of how far down the path we have walked.
How far away from our hopes of a child we have wandered.

The birth announcements are father apart now, and the birthdays are larger numbers.
I know the second round, generation is on the horizon...I wonder if I will still calculate where I was on the day they were long that marker of memory will last and when it might be replaced with a memory of them...simply them and me.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Putting feet where my heart is

I have become an voice in the fight
I am making choices everyday to speak up, regardless of my fears.
I am actively choosing to attend marches and sign petitions and make calls.
I was quite overwhelmed for a couple weeks, 
slipping into the door of depression for a time and again.
I felt the weight of my white privilege and 
the responsibly to make sure others acknowledged theirs.
I felt angry and heartbroken at family that said they loved me and the world around them,
 but then stood in support of Lord Marmalade and his racist, sexist and xenophobic choices.

I have made the choice to be a voice, 
I am fighting the BIG fight, looking at the BIG picture.
I am thinking about the generations after me, 
I am trying to secure the rights and safety.

I am learning and growing.

I find being infertile in this struggle has given me a unique voice
in this conversation. 
For that I am thankful.

Friday, January 20, 2017

Why I am marching

I am the dreams of my Great Grandmothers

My grandmothers were amazing women, and I love them dearly...but they were not ones to stand up when something was wrong.
My mother made sure from day one that I was to say something if something was not right, to speak up when I saw or felt that someone was not being treated properly. I am the woman I am today because I am not afraid to ask questions or question what it happening.
Openly and without hesitation.
This has caused problems for me in the past, but I have never let that pounding in my chest stop me from asking or saying something.

My great grandmothers were born of a different time.
My maternal great grandmother died from a heart attack, was a tough talker and dominate figure in the family. Not taking shit from anyone, and making her point of view heard....above all others.

My paternal great grandmother died two days after my grandmother was born, from complications from birth...a rumored drunk doctor. She is a bit of an enigma, but what I know of her, she was soft spoken and strong and beautiful and kind.
I thought for a long time, that my fate would be the same as hers, if I had a baby....
I have her name as my middle name.

Both of these women were born not being able to own property, vote or have access to reliable birth was an immigrant, forced from her home because of the Pale of Settlement- the other born in the states.

I am marching in their honor, and the honor of my mother, who made sure I was never afraid to speak up.
I am marching for my nieces and nephews, because I want them to have every choice available to them to love and marry who they want.
I am marching because I know what it is like to have your reproduction taken from you, and shamed for wanting to be sexually healthy and free.
I march for them so that they understand that a woman's worth is not measured in her appearance.
I want them to understand that speaking up is always the right thing.
Stopping violence and coming to the aid of those in need is always the right thing.
That we need to fight to keep this earth pure and healthy, just like we need to fight to keep ourselves healthy too!
I march because I want to answer that I marched for them when they discover this information in their history classes, and wondered what people did.

Tomorrow I walk in solidarity with my sisters in Washington...and for my future because I can not be silent in the face of so much that is wrong!

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Silence in between

I have been quiet again.
I had my HUGE annual art opening and this year I kept telling The Barren that something felt different. He told me that I was anxious each year, and that I was simply feeling that.
It turns out, that my work has yet to sell.
For the last 6years it has sold either before the show opened, or at opening night.
This year it is still hanging on the wall, unsold.
This pretty much CRUSHED my fragile and small sense of self.
I have carried this in my heart like a heavy stone.

I focused on the holidays, but after throwing up Hanukkah...
 I got a was a new years eve gift I guess...
It had me out of both society and yoga and 
The Barren told me I was acting like a grumpy 14 year old.

I will own that.

I don't like being sick...I don't like my freedom of motion infringed on
in any level; 
whether it is a runny nose or a sore muscle or a cough that won't let me sleep, 
or a car that is out for the afternoon getting an oil change....
I am bossy and grumpy that way.

It seems the cold has finally hit the road and I am getting back into my groove.
While on "holiday" I tried to work on my relationship with food.

I have one, going vegan has made me look at food differently,
not that I had an issue before but now there is a lot of guilt 
associated with food that was not there before.

Over the holiday, I worked on loosing the grip on my restrictions.
I had crackers
I had "ice cream"
I had cake
I ate bread
I ate chips
Now looking at this list I think, oh gosh look at all that bad food.
The food isn't bad, my relationship with it is.

I repeated a mantra I use when I am faced with being "decadent" 
and thinking about how long it will take to make up for the decision.
exercise is not punishment for what I ate, it is a celebration of what my body can do.

I used kinder words with my self talk and simply said, you need a break.
You are doing nothing wrong eating something different here and there.

Now all the "holiday" food is out of the house 
and I am eating dates to combat my sweet tooth
 and drinking green tea to kick the caffeine to the curb.

Things are clearing in my head, I also realize that:
I am still reeling from this election and each day, the USA seems darker and scarier.

I am trying to manage this too...
I am not watching news anymore, listening to NPR for a short time daily.
I only watch movies
FLEABAG on Netflix was fun...and dark

I am sitting in the studio a lot, staring at the wall...but I am showing up.
I am an artist, my job is to make art.

I am back at my 3-4 times a week of practice...
which is really my mental health appointment with myself.

I am excited about the Women's March in 8 days...
The Barren and I are going because we need to go!
I am trying to figure out what I want our signs to say.

Mostly I am trying to find how I fit into this new crazed place.
It may appear that I am sitting in silence, but I am really planning and plotting.
I have never been one to be quiet in the face of something that is bothering me.
It has caused problems before, but now...
My parents joked that they will put some money aside to "bail me out of jail"

I have no intention of getting myself arrested
but my voice will not be silent.

Monday, December 26, 2016

I threw up Hanukkah

Homemade jelly filled donuts

I've been off of sorts since the election.
I am not going to get political today...
but I have been overwhelmed with emotions and feelings and anger at times.
Yoga has been a saving grace for me...and the classes have been packed since the election,
I am not alone in trying to find some solace of mental health.
I am eating clean and so when Hanukkah came around this year I offered to make dinner here for my parents and The Barren offered to make dessert.
We had a lovely visit and watched my parents act like bickering siblings...over food, and facts and whatever else came along.
I made latkes and we had veggies and some meat (well The Barren and my father did)
then dessert!
I am not a donuts person, and so when they were made I offered to be the jelly filler 
and powder sugar cover-er. 
Important roles and one I enjoyed a lot!
I sat down and ate two! they were yummy and my lips were coated in white!
It was great and the sugar surged through me and I was moving faster and faster and we chatted some more and then my parents called it a night and headed home.
I sat on the couch while the dishwasher ran the first load of dishes and fell asleep.
When I woke up with a start a half and hour later...I ran to the bathroom and threw up Hanukkah.
Too much...
oil, sugar and too much

It was a vast reminder that I have eaten really clean for a long time 
and fried food is not something I can really deal with....anymore.
I gotta figure out a new latke recipe that I can bake or adjust 

Now that Christmas has past, 
ideally those crazy tear jerking commercials will fade away for another year.
I don't have to think about how many baby photos will come in the mail and how many family pics will fill our mantle.
I greeted each one this year with a smile and took in all the joy conveyed in the images...
but knew something was different at our place.
And as I brainstorm about what kind of new years card we will send out...I often find myself thinking
" what will show them that we are really happy, even without kids"
I know it is messed up, and a bit like a keeping up with the Jones' kind of thing.
But it is true....

I don't want to throw up any more celebration
I just want to keep it real

Friday, November 11, 2016