Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Heavily Meditated

My bestie got me this pin after my last miscarriage and 
I have worn it to ultrasounds and today's endometrial biopsy.

I spent the last two and a half weeks waiting for my appointment meditating.
I have read about the process, focused on the temporary amount of time it was 
and tried to compare/prepare for it with the pain gauge in my head.
twinge to pass out from pain

Today came and I took two pills last night meant to soften my cervix and then another this morning.
They made me quite loopy and apparently worked well enough to allow for the procedure today
and to get a sample.
I would say the process was uncomfortable with a moment or two of pointed sharp pressure deep inside me, near my diaphragm.
It was a short amount of time and when I was ready to call uncle, it was over.
Clearly pain and discomfort levels are different for everyone and I had a lot of downward pressure from my cervix softening so that added to the strange feelings.
The polka dots on the ceiling tiles were amazingly interesting when focusing on breathing
When she was done I needed to lay still for a little bit as I was a little woozy.
Nothing that didn't settle almost immediately and I was out of there.
Results expected by next week.
I am beyond thankful that today procedure was able to net a sample.

I met with my bestie yesterday to shore up my courage, and she gave me a lemon sweatshirt that is super soft and cozy. She wanted to give it to me ahead of the procedure so that: 
"I felt happy and loved"
cozy lemon slice sweatshirt, homemade vegan mac and cheeze and my emotional support kitty <3 td="">

Bestie lives over 6 hours away and has come into town to take care of her mother who had double eye surgery today....so her plate is quite full!

Yesterdays meet up was exactly what we both needed.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I am hopeful that the spotting from the procedure will fade away 
and I will get some mojo time back and celebrate my:

Saturday, November 24, 2018

You are a wreck

Related image

So I went to the endo doctor....
I had The Barren come with me, well, because it was a male doctor and as sexist as that sounds often times when I have visited a male doctor they talk down to me unless The Barren is present.
It sucks and is sad, but true.
So I brought back-up
Also, I had MASSIVE white coat and I wanted a second set of ears to hear what my brain dropped with its high screeching sound.

I was sweating and anxious and although my clots had stopped on Monday, I was still spotting.
The doctor came into the exam room like a cowboy on a bulldozer.
Sat down in front of me with my folder and said:
"You are peri-menopausal.
that is why you are bleeding like this."
"We've met before, but you were asleep" (creepy)
He assisted on my ovarian cystectomy and stage four endo confirmation.
" yep, you are total mess, everything is just all mucked up in there."
He was trying to make light of things I think...but it came across a little like a used car salesman

He told me that when I got tired of bleeding I should consider a D&C or Uterine Ablation or both.
But first, 
" We need to do an endometrial biopsy, to confirm that you don't have uterine cancer. I don't think you do, but it is important to confirm that.
I have my nurse practitioners do them because I don't like to hurt people and they hurt. Because I have never had any children, my cervical opening is small or totally closed and they might not be able to do the biopsy, so if that is the case then they would do it with a D&C""
I saw The Barren go pale when the doctor described the process 
and I think I left my body at that moment.

He suggested that I double up on my BC pill to up the hormone and if it works then we can switch to another pill and just take them back to back.
Oh, and you can only take the pill until you are 50 so you only have a little bit of time left on that.
then you are considered Menopausal and you shouldn't be on the pill anymore.

I told him I was most afraid of having to have a hysterectomy and he told me that he had ZERO desire to do one, that he doesn't even have it on the list of options....unless needed.like uterine cancer.
That was a relief among the land mines.

He also said that caffeine or alcohol are not triggers for endo and that I should be drinking champagne whenever I want and enjoying my cup of tea in the morning.

I left the office with a biopsy appointment, with a nurse practitioner that was versed in the procedure of difficult subjects, and the lady at the front desk said she would ask if a should take some kind of medicine ahead of the procedure to help make it easier for us both...but it wasn't an anti-anxiety drug.
I left the appointment feeling like I had been run over by a mack truck!
I was dizzy and shaking and confused and so very sad.

I spoke to a pharmacist yesterday that confirmed that doubling up on the BC pill was a good option and if the spotting stopped then get a new prescription with that dose and take three 28 day packs back to back. 28 day packs have a wider range of dosages of hormone than the 91day generics I take.
I started last night and aside from some nausea this morning, I feel pretty alright and the spotting seems to be stopping too! 
I did yoga yesterday and today...that helped A LOT.

I am scared of the biopsy, but keep trying to focus on it being a 10-15 minute 
procedure and that the pain will be temporary.
The Barren is taking me to and from the appointment that day.

I am so done with this bullshit
I am done with doctors
I am done with the sadness
I am done with painful procedures
I am done with feeling so overwhelmed

but something somewhere in me won't let me totally give up and give in
I still have some dim flame of hope that this will be it, the last of it for a long spell 

Saturday, November 17, 2018

The Monster

I have an appointment to see a gyno on Wednesday.
I have not stopped bleeding and throwing large clots since Tuesday. 
(it is Saturday night)
When I asked my doctors office for advice, they said:
  you are already on the pill, there is nothing more we can do.
After feeling set afloat and abandoned...
I started calling gyno offices to see who took my insurance...and booked an appointment to see someone new.

When I called on Tuesday in shock at what appeared to be another miscarriage, I was immediately dismissed and told it was impossible on the pill.
Feeling run over and emotionally hurt as well as terrified by what was happening to my body...
I requested a change in BC pill as I had been spotting since August.
It was requested and after some hunting down, I got it ordered and filled.

I am bleeding
a lot

I fear and expect that this is The Monster that has been laying in wait for all these years.
The same monster that I have managed since my surgery in 2012. 
The Monster that has been quiet until now....allowing me to be me and feel like I had some control.

I don't know what shifted back in July to start the spotting
and then the the bleeding in August
that didn't stop until the end of the month
and then the spotting to begin again in October and
here I am now entering my third week of bleeding.
I have no pain...so that makes it all the more creepy.

This Monster lulls me into thinking all is fine but, has me in the bathroom every three or so hours.
I have had to stop yoga, as I tried to practice this week and got so dizzy and nauseous that I had to stop multiple times.
The Monster makes me think am covered and then leaks out of the body and into my clothes at work.
The Monster makes me think I can do normal tasks, but then when I attempt to begin, I am unplugged and need to sleep.
I am taking iron to try and build amour to protect myself...
drinking green juices to get even more iron
but every few hours I am drained of my efforts.

I do hope this doctor can be an ally
help me save my uterus from The Monster...
until then I take my BC pills and iron supplements and hope that my shield is strong enough to protect me from collapsing.

Friday, October 26, 2018


I am not dealing with what is being dealt my way these days.
My skin for it seems very thin, or nonexistent.

 * cat has possible entropin (inward turning eyelids and it requires surgery)
he is 15 years old, and drools from stress just going to the vet.
*I am trying to deal with the newly revived PTSD from MY last vet experiences:
1. the pet food poisoning that had melamine in the food we almost lost both cats
2.  emergency surgery from ingesting a metal nut
that got stuck in his intestine and needed to be removed.
3. Same cat, showed signs of the nut experience experience again back last summer
and I was a train wreck- it was am irritated stomach.
Now, his eye has swollen and it appears that he has entropion 

*My breast ultrasound, which my insurance would not cover so I paid $150 to have the required test done showed a small cyst (the doctor said it appears to be benign)
* I am still spotting on and off since the miscarriage in August, I have been told this is normal, even though, it is still unsettling.
* my current work schedule has me upside down and not really allowing for regular studio time, so most of the free time is spent catching up on home chores (which sucks)
* I have several shows I am trying to prepare for on this limited time and now the cat, has me like a full on, should be committed basket case...I feel like I am coming apart at the seams.

Since writing this the cat has had his surgery-
waiting for the vet to call and say he survived was so stressful that my face went numb!
I didn't eat for two days

He is home now and on day two of recovery, and it appears that he is truly on the mend.
I did not sleep the first night he came home, but got some last night and he is increasing his mobility and has no signs of problems....
but the recheck is tomorrow and then another on Monday.
Until then my job is to guard his corneas and be a full time nurse and body guard.
The Barren can not take time off and I really can't either but,
 I was designated as the caregiver and so I am doing that.
I have not gone to yoga, or even left hte house as he can not be unattended. The week prior was so stressful as I was grappling with feelings and doubts and fears while giving a small puma a constant feed of eye-drops, I missed a lot of yoga then too, and instead slept my sorrow.

I am beyond thankful that this cat is as tenacious as he is and dead set to be my guy for some more time...and now that he can see, the sky is really the limit.
At the drop off, I mentioned to The Barren that all his hospital experiences have been successful and good. It was me that has been so traumatized and so at that epiphany I chose to not doom my cat....imagine the worst case scenarios or envision something wrong.
It was a REALLY long wait for an update call, but it came and we took him home soon afterwards!
He has been waking from his naps head butting me and purring and eating.
I am overwhelmed with the grace this cat possesses.

Friday, October 05, 2018

Mouth guard

shirt credit

With the combination of the election and the fire and mudslide
I was fitted with a mouth guard that I wear at night
because I am grinding my teeth at night.
So badly, I chipped a tooth.
I have been wearing it every night, but have made a point 
as of late, to wear it even more 

I am furious, I can feel it in every bone and oozing from every pore.
I have never been so ashamed to be an american.
The amount of sexism, racism, xenophobia, and blatant hate is inexcusable!
The government in place is a total embarrassment.
The old white men have had too much power and all this bullshit
has carried over into what might be a liar elected into the SCOTUS.
I watched Dr. Ford give her testimony, and I watched Brett cry and scream his.
I watched too much....
I have since turned off the news 100%

I vote and thankfully am in a state where my representatives feel the same way I do about 
Brett and women'r rights, health and immigration and take the time to answer the phones when I call in and thank them for supporting or voting against things that are brought up. 
I have had emails answered and these women do not run away from their constituents
they listen and respond.
Like responsible representatives.

That being said
after watching Dr.Ford, I experienced for the first time a true whole body trigger.
I remembered my assaults with great details.

I told The Barren for the first time, in our 26 years together, 
about the first one when I was about 8 years old.
Only my parents and my therapist(who was treating my grief from infertility) know about it, 
and they never mention it.
My father told me( at 8 years old) after hearing and seeing who did it that 
" I had an active imagination, and that this never happened"
So I buried it deep
Angry and confused as to why he chose to not believe me

I also told The Barren about another one that happened 
when I was a teenager, that no one knew about...
except me and the people involved.

He was deeply shook, and super supportive about being brave enough to tell him.
He knows about my sexual harassment incidents
 from workplaces that have happened since...

Dr.Ford made me remember
She made me strong enough to share my story 
she reminded me that these situations are not me, I am stronger and bigger than them.
They are nothing to be ashamed of
and nothing I did and nothing I need to carry responsibility for 

I think I will keep wearing my pride 
and wearing my mouth guard until this world is turned right side up again.
the future is female

Monday, September 24, 2018

Riding the waves

Handmade doll for 3yr olds birthday

So remember that baby shower I wasn't invited to and then the second baby shower I found out about on social media that I also was not invited to, because I wasn't going to show up anyways....
well, I got a half-assed invite to that same persons sons third birthday.

" hey lady, we are having a party this Friday for kiddos 3rd bday, 530pm. Hot dogs and pinata...not sure screaming kids at the end of the week are your thing but we wanted to invite you and The Barren"

I accepted immediately
I think there was some spite in my acceptance, but....whatever
I found this book at the local thrift shop and made the doll the day of the party; in between work and yoga class....the silkscreen paint was pretty darn dry by the time I wrapped it up.
Apparently the 3year olds suggestions for the soon to be little mini me is 
" poo poo head"
So I made him a baby of his own that he can torture or play with while mom 
is busy with the real one.***

The party was all hipster parents and cake and screaming kids 
and I chatted with a few people while banshees and harpies ran around us 
high on sugar and sleep deprivation.

I was proud of myself for playing it cool...
The Barren was not able to go because he was traveling and so I did it solo!

*note the ripped paper of the dressing gown
nervous twitch maybe

I also survived the yearly check up with the doctor.
I get white coat so they line the exam table with the thicker non stick paper sheets.
I get a hot flash as soon as the doctor appears and proceed to create small waterfalls of sweat all throughout the exam. I don't think I have ever gotten a manual breast exam from her where she didn't get a handful of sweat and deodorant.
She said aside from still needing to loose 3-5 pounds 
(my lord this woman uses the BMI index like an end all be all information system )
I am doing well and should keep it up
exercise as much as I can and keep up the vegan diet and stay happy

I don't have to see her for another year (ideally)
Now I just have mammogram and breast ultrasounds to finish
easy peasy

I'm dead set on just riding this last month away...
In my minds eye I am sitting in the shade
by a big body of water
tide lapping nearby
and letting it all go

letting all that shit go
*** Mom to be just texted and asked if I had any name ideas!!
I went to the first name site I could find and picked one randomly

Friday, September 07, 2018

The Debriefing

Having a miscarriage at 48 is very different than one at 36
My body reacted differently
My mind was in a different place
My heart was in a different place and settled in a new and different way.

I was numb for a long time
almost like my whole being went into a fight or flight reaction
from information long ago learned.

I postponed my yearly physical by a week, 
The Barren will be traveling during the original time 
and I didn't want to be alone when I got back home from another doctor visit.

I am done with doctors
but I understand I still need to advocate for myself,
so I still get all the required check-ins 
so I am not as rebellious as I imagine myself to be.

In the week, when the bleeding finally stopped, I went back to yoga with a gusto
and I found myself saying to myself....
" be kind to yourself, you just had a miscarriage"
I was trying to be kind, to excuse when I felt weak

I waited for the bleeding to stop to tell my parents, 
I felt a heavy weight to share it with my mother in particular.
When I did tell her, I heard myself explaining in great detail that there might not have been an embryo in this miscarriage, reassuring her I was alright and that I was responsible and had many doctors tell me that I was in no danger.
She said she was sorry that I had to experience this again...
I told her I get to experience and process loss
that is what I get to do in this lifetime.

She shared with my father what happened and he when he heard my voice on the phone,
he said:
" I am so sorry, I don't know what else to say about it"
I told him that was perfect and thank you
then he told me I was a strong woman, 
this made me almost totally collapse into a puddle.

I haven't seen them since sharing the news, that is unusual.
I called and checked in a couple of time afterwards, to make sure all were alright

I think this has highlighted a couple things for me:
I am older
I can handle loss, repeatedly 
I am stronger now because of what I have experienced in the past
I can 
I am also able to let myself grieve 

I feel in many ways it might have been a sign from my body that I have crossed the last line of fertility. Even when I thought it was past, this was the final proof of that.

I had a dream before this all began, and I had seen myself dead in photographs
Like and out of body experience of seeing myself in a dream
when I looked up the meaning on several dream dictionary sites, they all said the same thing:
"In your dream you see yourself dead, at first you may think this is about you being dead. However it’s not, this dream is about you moving forward into being a new person.
You are growing and maturing as a human being and you’re ready to move to the next phase of your life and you’re ready to leave the old you behind.
This type dream is important because it shows that you are growing and developing your spiritual side and gives you the message that you’re headed in the right direction."
I am taking some comfort in this knowledge from the greater sources