Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Dazed

**Trigger warning**
miscarriage


photo by Mary Ellen Mark
It has been a strange cycle...
and it seems to have revealed why.
I have miscarried again.

I am quite confused and shocked
I have been bleeding since last week.
and then last night it changed and this morning it was all tissue
...lots and lots of tissue.
I have some cramping, and I feel numb.

In fact it has been so long I looked up the signs, just to see if I was imagining them. 
I have all them...textbook perfect early miscarriage.

The Barren is traveling for work, and although I want to tell him,
today is a busy one for him and he doesn't need to be worried about me.
My bestie is at work too...so I don't need to tell her yet.
So I am here, telling you.

I didn't think I'd have another 
experience this again, and the weird numbness that goes with it
I have been on my pill for three days, but the bleeding hasn't stopped.
I hope it will taper off  now.
I will skip yoga tonight, and wait for the bleeding to ease up.
I am just going to be quiet and kind to myself.
I have studio work to do, that is not hard or vigorous.

I am okay
just stunned 
and maybe a little sad too
I think I am trying to hold it together until I can cry into a shoulder.



Thursday, August 09, 2018

Summertime Rolls

I am in this photo, right there with my butt up in the air

This is the Saturday morning class I love to take...
the teacher places a COLD washcloth's on each persons face afterwards and it is a slice of heaven!

it is sometimes a struggle to get there because it ends half an hour after farmers market starts and if you are a regular farmers market goer, you know the best stuff is right when they open...so it is a practice of letting shit go and enjoying being at class, then enjoying the pace of the market when I arrive afterwards. I am also not one of those ladies that 
loves to wear her yoga clothes to do errands and stuff...
so the looks from the farmers while I try and hide a camel toe or my body odor is something too.
I pretend to be blissfully unaware of the stares...

The summer is passing and it seems that the activity I am most often partaking in is sweating...
sweat overnight, wake up and go to yoga and sweat, come home shower and try to not sweat (unsuccessful at that still) then sweat while cooking dinner and cleaning up, evening shower
 and repeat
it probably doesn't help that most of my state is on fire and there has been heat wave after heat wave....so I am not sure if this is a peri-menopausal thing or simply summer.
I am gonna say it is summer because the other option sux!

We have watched friends go on vacations, kids go to summer camp,
and we have even been host to a couple visitors.
Alas, we have not escaped.

I was told that my work was taking a few days off to spend time with family and I got very excited at the idea of not having to commute for a while week...but they shortened the vaca and it fell on the days I am normally not there so no real vacation for me.

I am doing my best to make it productive none the less
but...I got my period and now I am either sweat sleeping or trying to not eat everything in the house.
Happy summer vacation!

 I am still trying....I canceled yoga for myself this week...
it is good to rest every now and then...and I think I need it, plus if I am sweating all day and my uterus is a battleground why not sit back and watch the show.
I don't need to prove to myself that I can still do my thing...
my newly built muscles are not going to disappear overnight.
It will all be alright.

It is summertime, eat some watermelon...
sleep a little later when you can, go for a drive somewhere
collect a few interesting things to remember this time, take some photos.
I mean isn't that what Summer Vacation use to be?!

Tuesday, July 24, 2018

Invitation


You are not invited, but only because I know you wouldn't come anyways...
I tried to keep it classy and a little sassy.

Thinking Disco Dancing Thoughts to keep bullshit like this at bay

Image result for disco dancing gif

Monday, July 23, 2018

And the winner is.....

ME!!!

I spent a half an hour crying and laughing before I could even call The Barren at work.
All I did was take a photo of my computer screen and send it to him....
My hands were shaking, I was not able to speak....
The cats freaked out thinking I was in pain or something.

I am still quite in shock and working very hard on sharing this award with pride 
and I keep telling myself that it is not arrogant.
I worked very hard for this and my work was recognized by a panel of professional peers
and I got some money too!
I won the creative process award, perfectly suited for what I submitted.

The magic of disco lifted and kept my mood elevated most of the day and when I finally found the information it was a HUGE shock and wonderful moment.

The Barren says I need to sit and stew in this...live and love the feeling and like Elmer J Fudd, repeat my well earned and happy mantra:

"I am an internationally awarded artist"




Friday, July 20, 2018

Mood

I was dancing to this song this morning after yoga
I now declare it on my personal theme song list!

Waiting

So I entered and was selected in the top 11 of a BIG art competition...
there were over 260 entries from over 48 countries and my work made the top 11!

From this amazing small group, there will be 3 awards (two of which are cash)
and this award is being announced in the next hour!
I am not at this award ceremony as I live 1000's of miles away and it was not something I could swing both in time and money.
So I sit and wait for an email or a social media announcement....
wait and wait

and wait
and distract myself

I was so anxious yesterday after seeing the first images from the exhibition that I bought a vintage dress....I have a problem with that...I get SUPER anxious and in an effort to self sooth I put something on my credit card that I think will make me feel better.
Sometimes it is going to the plant nursery and getting too many plants for our small home. Sometimes it is vintage dresses...that I adore and wear.

*** talk about kiddos***

Last week we hosted our nephew...he is 10
and between you and me I am closest with him, over the other two nephews and two nieces.
He is a middle kid and so The Barren and I have made an effort to make sure he get one on one time.
Away from the chaos of his sisters and family.
This last time we played music and sang along to Queen and RUSH songs.
He wanted to learn how to play D&D because his uncle played the game and he wanted to play with him....I think this made The Barren melt and feel so very loved by his nephew.
He refereed to me as the "snuggle Auntie"
A Dream come true! and quite frankly, a personal goal.


We watched super hero movies, played at the pool, and the top of the mini vacation sundae was him diving deep into a Calvin and Hobbs comic book I got for him a few years ago 
that is now a perfect fit!


I think this waiting game is old school
I think we are so well trained in the art of waiting...
wait for your period
wait for results
wait for the egg
wait for doctor to show up
wait on your vacation
wait to see

This is all good mind you...I am happy about this wait
I submitted my best version of my work
I am in the top 11
I am exhibiting internationally
I am excited
and scared
and ready for an answer 💓



Thursday, July 12, 2018

Brain Vomit

Prom 1986- nope

This was a look for an art get together...I realized afterwards that I looked ready for prom...
or jr prom or sadie hawkins dance or something like that
I am dating myself now....

I have found myself in a slump or sadness
I am not sure which one yet.
I am taking care of myself and working and doing my practice 5 times a week, which I know is connected to my mental health and my ability to sort shit out.
It has become painfully obvious the lack of friends nearby to chat with or have a cuppa caffeine with.
I thought I was making progress at the studio, but being summer, people take off for vacations and often take a while to return to their practice. So I just keep going and looking like a dork or teacher stalker...by taking their classes at the same time every week....I like ritual okay

I also am taking a sound therapy class, which helps me see and sort out art ideas.
It seems super granola, and hippie kid but for me it works.
I see colors and can think through ideas while I sit still for an hour and the teacher simply makes all sorts of sounds....simple but for me effective!

I hit my 5 year milestone as a vegan and yoga practicier
that seems strange too...
I am stronger than I have ever been, and although I will never be a string bean I am happy and thankful for what this Stage 4 Endo body CAN do.
I am often screaming in my head when a back bend happens or some level of flexibility is achieved. The teachers say to let go of ego and not focus on what you can or can not do...but DAMN I can do stuff I never thought I'd be able to, and someday in the future I will be able to do EVEN MORE than I imagined or dreamt. I am keeping that part of my ego and shaky self confidence.

Okay I am rambling....
brain vomit, sorry.

I have been thinking about all the new babies about to enter this world and it doesn't make me bitter or really sad...in fact, I have noticed that I have made a clearly defined line for myself about what I will and will not participate in. Moderate how I react to the sight of a pregnant woman and or a newborn. 
I do still want to hold a baby...but not in front of people so that will not happen....
Yeah I would like to hold your baby but not while you watch or around any of you....shhahhahah
If that doesn't sound dastardly I don't know what does.

I am staying away from news....there is a lot of troll talk about not feeling anything about whats happening unless you are a mom or a parent or a breastfeeder...
Mind you, I am still engaged and writing letters of protest and all that responsibility, but not watching the stories unfold anymore...I would eventually like to not wear my bite-plate to bed!

The world around us here in the states seems to have become a disconnected hose with the water on full blast and just flaying about spraying everyone down and not giving two shits. I am working on managing anger and trying to not get exhausted from the constant need to speed dial my senators and congress people encouraging them to continue to act sane and speak up.
Empathy, sympathy and common sense is something to fight for, daily
There are a lot of people being killed for no reason
a lot of people in pain
a lot of suffering
a lot of hurt
I am reminded that simple things are beautiful and that how I choose to react matters and can teach others, even when you think no one is watching.
I am making choices every day to act kindly, speak kindly, and think kind words in my self talk.


I am also eating more vegan sweets and napping
....that seems to be helping too 💙

Sunday, July 01, 2018

Transitions

*** talking about pregnancy ***

A dear woman whom I have known for years just announced that she was pregnant. She waited until she was 5 months along before making a photo thing on social media.

This dear woman has been through the gamut of things to get here and it is really no small feat.
I first was introduced to her through another woman who asked me if my stomach was swollen from my cysts or fibroids...
The new mom to be had a large fibroid eventually removed and then for years later battled earth shattering pain with every period and post every surgery.
She got a really fantastic job, got engaged and bought a home...all while trying time and time again, almost every treatment under the sun to get pregnant....
today was the announcement that she is indeed carrying a child.
I read the news this morning and was happy for her.
Like she made the swim across the crocodile infested waters and crawled up the shore on the other side bruised and battered but successful! 
If the mantra for motherhood is that you need to have
" Sacrificed yourself, via pain and determination and drive. 
this woman  has checked all those " she deserves" to be a mother boxes.

I know this was all she wanted and will be amazing at tackling all the new unknowns coming her way with grace and humor.

While eating breakfast with The Barren this morning I told him, that it is becoming a testament to who can afford the trials gets the kid. The industry has boomed since we were trying and although we opted to not invite the "making " of a child, it appears that that is what is needed in all these newest cases; or that is what we are given the impression.
When the doctor finally confirmed my endo, she said that we would need A LOT of help to get pregnant if we still were considering that route.
We had come to terms with where our line was long ago, 
but I am not going to lie and say that that quiet little voice did not whisper into my ear this morning
  " maybe if you had...., if you would have...."

I am glad I made extra baby gifts when preparing last weeks shower delivery.
I don't need to spend the day making more things...they are made and simply need to be packed up and mailed off.

I also said to The Barren this morning:
" I am no longer there any more, I am not sure I could fair the battle again. I mean how many times do you have to be kicked before you decide you don't like being kicked?!"
The Barren responded "once"
I simply smiled and said , well if you are lucky you realize that... it took me a bit longer.