Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Laughter in funny places

I was in line at Target the other day and could hear a kid 
in COMPLETE meltdown mode.
Kicking, screaming... crying
Mom, trying to finish her tasks had the kid in the cart and was in 
the self check out line.
She was doing the "don't give the situation attention, it will only make it worse" technique
The result, was the little girl screaming and kicking in the cart the whole time
while mom and older sister finished their much needed tasks.
I was in a parallel line, choosing to be away from the sounds.
But....while in line I found myself laughing.
Out loud and carefree....
The couple in front of me, the cashier and the lady behind me looked at me for a reason.
I said " I am laughing because I am thankful I do not have to deal with that today.
One less drama for ME, YEAH"
At that everyone agreed and nodded and giggled to themselves.
The woman behind me said, 
" When I had my kids, that kind of thing was not allowed"
I said to her " sometimes people have bad days, clearly that little lady is having one. She is learning how to deal with it. I feel for mom, as clearly she is just trying to finish what she came her for..."

The older woman didn't really know how to react...
maybe she wasn't able to grasp the fact that a kid might have a bad day, 
and being uneducated on how to deal with the feeling, went strait to tantrum.

I completed my purchase, and left, hearing the crying fade as I left out the front doors.
It felt like I was choosing happy over drama.

But later I wondered...
Was I lacking empathy?
Was I gloating?

Tuesday, June 14, 2016


I have decided to make a bigger effort to choose positive 
in my daily life....
I believe the power of one person can make a difference.
I have chosen to be more good

Believe in LOVE and Goodness
it is always bigger than hate

Friday, June 10, 2016


Another member of the sisterhood!
My how things are changing, so many more women are open about their reproductive health and acting as cheerleaders for is the newest:

Friday, May 27, 2016

Politics, babies and my body

I'm here....
that latest round of colds, flus and colds hit this house hard....
and aside from some morning nausea I am back to "normal"

I am so fired up about maintaining my rights; the rights of  my nieces and nephews,
 that I re-registered so that I could vote in the primary here in the States.
I was registered with a party that would only allow me to vote party line.
I needed to change that.
I am so upset, and frustrated with the casual misogyny, hate speak, fear mongering and general shit talk that I chose to not sit idyll and instead do what I could to make changes.
 I normally don't talk politics and this is as far as I will go...
I am mad as hell and I am not going to take it any longer

I have two baby gifts in read to be packed up, as more people are preggers.
I would say I am pretty unfazed by it, but in all honesty, I haven't been around them while they are blossoming. What I did have a physical reaction to was a casual mention of an impromptu baby shower for a fellow artist...I felt my stomach clench and then race through the monologue of 
"I don't do baby showers, I am happy to send a gift but I am not going to attend"
I decided that, that event has WAY too many triggers for me and so I choose to avoid them....
like the boogie man!

My body:
I stumbled on this project and there is a whole section on fertility, here is one with a statement about the portrait subject:
As mentioned before, I am floating farther away from my sole identity as an infertile woman.
It is bittersweet...but I think a natural progression with age and peace. 
I have recently purchased a vintage photograph of a child.
It resonated in me when I saw it. 
So I bought it, and when it arrived I matted and framed it and added it to my personal altar. 
I allows me to see a manifestation of a child that makes me feel happy.
Like a moment from a daydream captured.
It has settled something in me.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Run over

So last week I was dead set on going back to yoga after missing the week because of my head-cold...and I arrived to my class on Friday with a sore stomach and feeling sweaty.
I brushed it aside to peri-menopausal symptoms and that I ate too much cabbage the night before.
Plus now I am convinced that the heated room 
and a good sweat can solve all coming cooties and ickies.

I got settled into class, and I started to feel dizzy...
OK move slow...
then the face-down poses started and the pressure on my stomach was not good....
then the standing was iffy, then the forward fold...
and a "wet burp". 
I calmly walk out of class and await the following...nothing. 
Performance anxiety

I try and return to class to finish and it is made PERFECTLY CLEAR
 that is not going to happen!
Defeated, I roll up my mat, take my cold sweaty body to the showers, 
get dressed and head to work....

Wrong choice number 2

I am able to stay for about an hour, 
before I need to get into my car to head home.
Along the drive I think of all the errands I still need to do...
and then I head a voice in my head.
"take care of yourself, don't do anything but go home"
I reason with myself that I can take the mail the following day to get postage...

I make it home to see the neighbor walking his toddler and newborn, he looks up at me as I am exiting my car and says hey how ya doing? 
I say " I'm sick keep a distance" 
he says yeah, I'm trying to keep her head out of it, 
she just tossed all down the front of me, 
referencing the swaddled newborn he was attached to. 
I suddenly image the smell of curdled milk....
I made it in the house, up the stairs and to the bathroom just in time to lose it....

The rest of the day was spent shivering, 
sweating and sleeping until The Barren made it home from work 
with anti nausea medicine and saltines.
He rescued me once again.

Why do I go into details?
If I had a child this would have been made SOOOO MUCH MORE complicated
I was thankful that I just needed to deal with me that day
as I could barely do that.
This last weekend was spent recovering
The Barren started to not feel well again, we have  
both been battling something for the last two weeks!
Now he is headed off to the doc as his cough is sounding different 
and keeping sleeping at bay.

I joked with a friend that 46 is HARD
I got to be a birthday girl for three days and then I got sick!
Can I call a do over?

Then after this last weekend I told The Barren that I was in 
metamorphosis and that I am gonna be one DAMN fine butterfly
when this was gone.
I refuse to let everything lead to something bad any longer!

Thursday, May 05, 2016

Time has passed and I am growing it seems

So I haven't posted in a while...I am not completely sure why.

Barbara Kruger's artwork
"Have me Feed me Hug me Love me Need me"

I spent the month of April visiting art museums....The Barren declared the whole month would be spent art gazing, and I was not going to argue with that logic! Plus he said it was the perfect way to celebrate my we did.
It was amazing and inspiring and wonderful. We were able to break him free of work on most of those weekends and just enjoy wandering galleries and talking about thoughts that the art inspired.

Quite beautiful

I forgot Infertility Awareness week...I am aware of our infertility, and so are most of our didn't seem like something I needed to soapbox this year. So I didn't

I celebrated my birthday quite quietly. I made myself a cake and ate a piece the eve of my birthday. I went to yoga in the morning and didn't tell anyone and then at the end of class someone wished me a happy birthday and throughout the week, I was surprised with birthday was sweet.

I then got my annual cold and spent the week following my birthday laid out like a shivering, stuffy nosed sloth under the covers. This cold triggered me getting my period a week early-even while on birth control and now next week I get my period again....that is if this period stops first.

My bestie made it through (OK I made it through) her month residency and made a SHITLOAD of artwork, but also missed her husbands cooking as the food provided was less than stellar and mostly tater tots. I am complaining for her....hahaha she'd never complain.

I have landed firmly in 46.
I don't seem fazed by it and that is great with me.
My mother had her knee replaced at 44 and the fact that I am still not there is a MAJOR highlight of a milestone in personal goals.

Mother's day is looming, but my mom made plans and she said they are declaring it Sunday.
I think she is doing that to make me feel better, and I am thankful for that too....

I think that I am mostly settling into who I am meant to be
I discover something new about what I do and don't want, what I can actually do...and often give myself permission to go forward with that train of thought.
Recently, friends are talking about stressful kid scenarios and I just look at The Barren and say
"Not jealous of that!"
That is HUGE for me, for us....

Thursday, April 07, 2016

Day Three

My bestie got a residency here and is going to be gone for almost a month.....
out of range and texting and distractions.
I am thrilled for her, and I know she will excel with the time away from family responsibilities and work drama. She needs this time, her artwork needs this time.

It is only day three,
 and I am finding myself and the inability to connect with her at any time challenging.
We normally text each other everyday
I spoke with her the night before she left and wished her well and told her to have a super fun time!
Inside I was crying, and it felt like when we were headed to different colleges.
I will miss her greatly, but can not wait to see what she makes while away.

The Barren took me into the big city to see an exhibition I had been dreaming of seeing since I was a was a good distraction and inspiring and offered some real time with him.
Such beautiful, moving work

I was reminded of my own darkroom practice, 
my desire to make images that move, confuse, and connect with people.
I cried a few times viewing the work.
Not only remembering my own days gone by, 
but seeing this brilliant artist disappear before my eyes in his self portraits.
Mortality and disease

We ate a lot on our day out and away, 
I even indulged in some vegan "junk food"
eating a mac n cheeze pizza!
it did have broccoli on it, in my defense

The following day was spent on site with a project I am the photographer for.
We were out in the hills and outside all day.
I almost stepped on a snake
picture of snake "walking away" from me and my foot

I have since been editing and distracted until I am floating.
I will work on art for the next few days. The Barren has been working way too many hours, both at work and working at home. He is stressed and it appears that tickets we had to secure almost three months ago will go unused for another weekend getaway, as his work clients are a big drama queen.

With his extended hours and my desire to maintain a studio practice and my second job schedule and early yoga classes, we are now not often able to spend time together until the best.
Our schedules are almost opposite of one another.

I got a text from him this morning:
" at work...feeling a bit sad and lonely. : (
hope you are doing OK"

I was nearby and offered to swing by for a hug and a kiss and a cuddle,
but he was in between meetings and couldn't break away, even for a moment.

I am thankful that we still check in with each other.
Relationships take work, everyday.
I never take that for granted, and neither does he.
I make dinner every night for us, making sure that there is always a homemade meal 
at the end of a pressure ridden day. 
Something made with care.
We see each other at this time and shortly there after I am off to bed 
and he is still too wound up to sleep.
So we meet on the weekends.

My relationships super sucks right now, 
but I an hopeful and know that many aspects are temporary.