Thursday, August 10, 2017

Pride in the journey

So The Barren is growing in his grief...he is learning to identify his triggers.
That is HUGE

He was at work learning some new stuff for his current role and a new parent was talking about how thankful they were to have some time off work and it was supported by the employer.

I got a text message saying:
" HR was talking about paid family leave and out of nowhere I find myself about to break down...doing OK now, but it was touch and go for a moment"

After work he met with him mom and they were chatting and she started to ask about all our friends with kids and how we must hang out with them and play with their kids...
He spoke up and said, you know we often need to protect ourselves from our triggers and make sure we are alright with going to an event or party. We often skip them so that we can relax and enjoy our afternoon too. He told her about the event earlier in the day.
She was flustered, and out of no where asked if we were thinking about adoption.
to which The Barren said NO

He thinks she was not sure how to deal with suddenly witnessing his grief 
...I think she just needed to get a question off her chest.

Regardless, I am beyond proud of him and his new ability to speak up about things that trigger his sorrow and memories. He is making progress and that is to be applauded.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Yoga anniversary

Ok, So I try REALLY HARD to not evangelize yoga....
I never want to sound like this....but it is funny as all hell

This last week I celebrated my 4th yogaiversary
I have been going to yoga three to four times a week for four years now!
It is the longest I have ever participated in an activity and still want to go.
This is amazing to me.

what!? are those muscles!!!
extended side angle with a double bind

I started yoga because a couple ladies I know wanted to try it
...I am the only one practicing.

When I began I was just out of my stage 4 endo diagnosis and wanted to find a way to start and reclaim my body back. I was in incredible pain from my cycles
and my back was weak and I felt broken
...just totally broken.

I started to see a difference in the first three months, I was able to mange cycle pain better.
I learned how to breathe more effectively and move my body.
I can manage stress (physical and emotional) better.

I am stronger and feel like I am in control of my body again
I can't do everything I want YET in class,
as I am still figuring out what my endo has seized up and what I can work through
...and what I can mentally believe I can do;
because it really is an exercise of the ego.

I can look at myself in the mirror while practicing,
but I will never be a front row person and I am ok with that.
I can practice next to a visually pregnant woman and not cry or focus on my loss.
I continue to do yoga in strange places at home (like above) and in public places where when I feel stress I do "lions breath" and make The Barren laugh.
I know my tummy will never be flat, no matter how many situps and how much food I restrict,
I carry the visual reminder of my losses in my belly, presenting at 10weeks forever.
I am embracing that too.

I thank my body after every class for being able to heal and move and breathe.
I like feeling strong
I am pretty proud of me right now and I simply wanted to mark this with a post.
I am tooting my own horn
and that is OK too sometimes

Friday, June 09, 2017

Triangle Goddess

extended triangle

The triangle that points downward is one of the oldest symbols of the divine power of the female. It is an ancient symbol that represents the genitalia of a goddess. The triangle is connected to the number three which can represent true 

I have explored photographing my practice at home, to see how my form is and compare it to that of instruction online and then practice in class. Instagram is amazing as a yoga resource! This pose has always been one of my favorites and after looking up the meaning, I was happy to see that even unconsciously I am moving in the right direction.

Celebrating the divine within me 

Sunday, June 04, 2017

Another toe in the pool

I think I made a feels like it at least.

I have been submitting to numerous exhibitions and this opportunity came up and although I think my chances are slight...I needed to not pass this up:

What they are looking for:
The exhibit will feature a wide array of works by female artists each addressing erotic themes in their works, and how that relates to feminism and/or contemporary society today. We are looking for works across all mediums that are uninhibited, and fearless with regards to the explorations around this theme. 

Describe your work submitted:
"A series of photographs in which I reintroduce myself to the body that I once loved before learning I was infertile. After a focused decade of sex geared towards reproduction, I am remembering what sex for pleasure is again. Overcoming the stigma of what womanhood meant, or means and embracing my sexual self."

I continue to find niches that infertility touches.
I will not be silent.

Thursday, May 11, 2017


The proceeds from this t-shirt help provide menstrual hygiene kits to people experiencing homelessness

I only get my period four times a year now.
It is part of the agreed plan to control my endometriosis, fibroids and cysts. 
It has been working well, and retarding growth on the current fibroids and any creation of new ones.
It has also allowed me to keep my uterus instead of having the suggested hysterectomy.

At first I thought it was like being neutered; taking away something so sacred as a monthly cycle.  The monthly pain left me unable to stand upright, or eat or sleep, so the idea became a welcome retreat from pain and in many ways a space to grieve my lost fertility.

I had to walk away from my efforts twice in 8 years of trying to make a family. 
When I first went off the monthly pill to dive into the pool of trying, I was almost immediately faced with a wall of pain and only after half a year was I able to advocate for further testing which first revealed my fibroids and the sudden growth had me at an oncologist. 
Back on the pill to shrink them and try to give me a window to try to get pregnant again.
The second dive into the pool had me in the ER and multiple trips to the doctor to find answers to the miscarriages. Suddenly 8 years passed and it was too much loss and too much pain to live.
I went back onto the pill after my removal of a large chocolate cyst, and an ovarian cancer scare;
that confirmed my stage 4 endo that had head-locked my ovary behind my uterus, a septum in my uterus and calcified fibroids.
The road was shut.
I grieved and celebrated this information at the same time.
I did nothing wrong in my efforts to get pregnant, but my body that I had lovingly cared, for had decided that no child shall survive in me.

Now 5 years later, I am facing a new kind of knowledge.
My periods which only come quarterly,  will eventually stop coming all together.
I am prepared to grieve that as well.
a bitter sweet party

I have my period now, I have always been a full moon bleeder.
I guess I am a druid that way, an earthy girl, a wolf woman.
I can now not have to decide if the pain is bad enough to need to go to the ER, 
instead I can sit on the couch or sleep away the mood and aches.
Still honoring the need to take care of this body.

My period arrived later than normal this cycle, and for the first time in a LONG time, 
my mind did not go to the "maybe I'm pregnant" thought...
in fact it never even entered my mind.

Instead I thought, soon there will be no more.

Friday, April 28, 2017

Circling the sun

I awoke feeling happy
I got dressed and went to yoga
I had a lovely class and felt like a million bucks

I went to my parents place to enjoy our newest ritual
birthday cake for breakfast.
As long as they are around, I figured we should have cake together 
first thing in the morning 
and I can thank them in person for making me. 

This year my 3 year old niece was there, so she got cake for breakfast too.
Honestly, she just wanted the icing, so I gave her mine.

I had made the cake the night before, and tried something I'd never made.

My parents and I sat and chatted and we visited for a long while.
then I packed up, took a photo of the driveway; where my mother had made chalk circles
of number 1-47 and had them lead to the front door.
(another ritual they do every year for birthdays, some sort of chalk drawing. They even did it when I was employed near their home and all my coworkers had to drive past their work, and then proceeded to come and wish me a happy birthday)
I love her shadow!

I traveled home, picking up actual food along the way and ate a quiet brunch at home.
Then a little nap
a little more food and then The Barren came home and we sat and visited until bedtime.

A quiet birthday.

We had gone into the big city the weekend prior and I took in some art gazing.
I think we are planning to do a similar adventure this weekend too,
Sightseeing, art adventures, with snacks

I have been focusing on enjoying little visits with dear people in my life.
I have gotten great pleasure from that.
Like I can feel my body respond from the positive visits.
I am aiming to do that as often as I can.
that is my birthday wish for myself.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Boring Thankful Thursday

Once again it has been a while since I have felt compelled to write here...I read your blogs and comment when I am moved to....but I haven't felt the need to blog here. 
I am not sure why.

Distractions...that is what I will blame it on.

I have been battling a sour stomach for months now
...and I finally got tired of taking antacids and waking in the middle of the night from burning pain and so I went to the doctor.

She pushed here and there, asked what I was eating and I listed my boring list of food.
I listed my boring list of vitamins and supplements and she nodded.
I was not eating any "trigger food"
I was simply suffering all the effects of gastritis but there were tests that could be done.

So I did them,
including a long ultrasound session to examine my internal organs.
As the ultrasound technician moved the paddle slathered in ultrasound jelly over my belly...
she gave me the scenic view complete with narrative.
 (I love this about her, she lets you know, without telling you, what she sees and doesn't see)

She showed me half my heart, I waved and said "hello heart".
Then on to the big guns: my liver and gall bladder and kidneys
She made comments like, boy these are boring nothing interesting here...
see if you had a fatty liver they would be different colors...
and these veins are hard to find when healthy...where are they?!

She made me giggle, even though I was so hungry and my stomach acid was almost unbearable.

All the results came in that I didn't have a super scary bacteria that causes ulcers and stomach cancers, and I had healthy organs.
All signs pointed back to gastritis.

I have since, reduced/eliminated my facebook time, and news time and social activism time.
I am stressed out...I am overwhelmed
I am feeling all of the responsibility of everything and for everyone...
I needed to step back.
I am blind in many ways...and it is because I need to take care of me.
It is not ideal, but I am finding that it is really I grudgingly have submitted to it.
Ignorance is not bliss, but it is slowly reducing my stress and ideally reducing my longest and latest flareup episode for gastritis.

I am eating miso and soba noodles, no raw veggies (so strange!) and eating very small bits of food all day long...very slowly! 
Most of my submission art is for fundraising, donated work...although I could really use some funds in the coffee can, this is my happy medium. Finding a stress free way to help others...quietly.

I still do my yoga practice three times a week and it is hard to believe that I am rounding into FOUR years of this!!
 It is the longest and most I have ever stuck to some sort of social physical thing!
 this is truly crazy!!

I learned a new mudra 
mudra (/muˈdrɑː/; Sanskrit मुद्रा, "seal", "mark", or "gesture"; Tibetan: ཕྱག་རྒྱ་ THL chakgya) is a symbolic or ritual gesture in Hinduism and Buddhism. While some mudras involve the entire body, most are performed with the hands and fingers.)  the yellow one:

Your Solar Plexus (Manipura) Chakra is the third Chakra located in your abdomen, above your belly button. It is the energy center responsible for personal power, self-esteem and confidence.

I have been using it while meditating as it seemed quite fitting for
 both infertility and my current situation. 
My meditation only last a few moments....I
 have a monkey mind (constantly going, never really still) 
so I do little sessions when I helps too.

So I am finding that I am boring right now....
I am seeking adventure, but it seems I need to do a few boring things first, 
like laundry and eat miso soup.