Friday, October 05, 2018

Mouth guard

shirt credit

With the combination of the election and the fire and mudslide
I was fitted with a mouth guard that I wear at night
because I am grinding my teeth at night.
So badly, I chipped a tooth.
I have been wearing it every night, but have made a point 
as of late, to wear it even more 

I am furious, I can feel it in every bone and oozing from every pore.
I have never been so ashamed to be an american.
The amount of sexism, racism, xenophobia, and blatant hate is inexcusable!
The government in place is a total embarrassment.
The old white men have had too much power and all this bullshit
has carried over into what might be a liar elected into the SCOTUS.
I watched Dr. Ford give her testimony, and I watched Brett cry and scream his.
I watched too much....
I have since turned off the news 100%

I vote and thankfully am in a state where my representatives feel the same way I do about 
Brett and women'r rights, health and immigration and take the time to answer the phones when I call in and thank them for supporting or voting against things that are brought up. 
I have had emails answered and these women do not run away from their constituents
they listen and respond.
Like responsible representatives.

That being said
after watching Dr.Ford, I experienced for the first time a true whole body trigger.
I remembered my assaults with great details.

I told The Barren for the first time, in our 26 years together, 
about the first one when I was about 8 years old.
Only my parents and my therapist(who was treating my grief from infertility) know about it, 
and they never mention it.
My father told me( at 8 years old) after hearing and seeing who did it that 
" I had an active imagination, and that this never happened"
So I buried it deep
Angry and confused as to why he chose to not believe me

I also told The Barren about another one that happened 
when I was a teenager, that no one knew about...
except me and the people involved.

He was deeply shook, and super supportive about being brave enough to tell him.
He knows about my sexual harassment incidents
 from workplaces that have happened since...

Dr.Ford made me remember
She made me strong enough to share my story 
she reminded me that these situations are not me, I am stronger and bigger than them.
They are nothing to be ashamed of
and nothing I did and nothing I need to carry responsibility for 

I think I will keep wearing my pride 
and wearing my mouth guard until this world is turned right side up again.
the future is female

Monday, September 24, 2018

Riding the waves

Handmade doll for 3yr olds birthday

So remember that baby shower I wasn't invited to and then the second baby shower I found out about on social media that I also was not invited to, because I wasn't going to show up anyways....
well, I got a half-assed invite to that same persons sons third birthday.

" hey lady, we are having a party this Friday for kiddos 3rd bday, 530pm. Hot dogs and pinata...not sure screaming kids at the end of the week are your thing but we wanted to invite you and The Barren"

I accepted immediately
I think there was some spite in my acceptance, but....whatever
I found this book at the local thrift shop and made the doll the day of the party; in between work and yoga class....the silkscreen paint was pretty darn dry by the time I wrapped it up.
Apparently the 3year olds suggestions for the soon to be little mini me is 
" poo poo head"
So I made him a baby of his own that he can torture or play with while mom 
is busy with the real one.***

The party was all hipster parents and cake and screaming kids 
and I chatted with a few people while banshees and harpies ran around us 
high on sugar and sleep deprivation.

I was proud of myself for playing it cool...
The Barren was not able to go because he was traveling and so I did it solo!

*note the ripped paper of the dressing gown
nervous twitch maybe

I also survived the yearly check up with the doctor.
I get white coat so they line the exam table with the thicker non stick paper sheets.
I get a hot flash as soon as the doctor appears and proceed to create small waterfalls of sweat all throughout the exam. I don't think I have ever gotten a manual breast exam from her where she didn't get a handful of sweat and deodorant.
She said aside from still needing to loose 3-5 pounds 
(my lord this woman uses the BMI index like an end all be all information system )
I am doing well and should keep it up
exercise as much as I can and keep up the vegan diet and stay happy

I don't have to see her for another year (ideally)
Now I just have mammogram and breast ultrasounds to finish
easy peasy

I'm dead set on just riding this last month away...
In my minds eye I am sitting in the shade
by a big body of water
tide lapping nearby
and letting it all go

letting all that shit go
*** Mom to be just texted and asked if I had any name ideas!!
I went to the first name site I could find and picked one randomly

Friday, September 07, 2018

The Debriefing

Having a miscarriage at 48 is very different than one at 36
My body reacted differently
My mind was in a different place
My heart was in a different place and settled in a new and different way.

I was numb for a long time
almost like my whole being went into a fight or flight reaction
from information long ago learned.

I postponed my yearly physical by a week, 
The Barren will be traveling during the original time 
and I didn't want to be alone when I got back home from another doctor visit.

I am done with doctors
but I understand I still need to advocate for myself,
so I still get all the required check-ins 
so I am not as rebellious as I imagine myself to be.

In the week, when the bleeding finally stopped, I went back to yoga with a gusto
and I found myself saying to myself....
" be kind to yourself, you just had a miscarriage"
I was trying to be kind, to excuse when I felt weak

I waited for the bleeding to stop to tell my parents, 
I felt a heavy weight to share it with my mother in particular.
When I did tell her, I heard myself explaining in great detail that there might not have been an embryo in this miscarriage, reassuring her I was alright and that I was responsible and had many doctors tell me that I was in no danger.
She said she was sorry that I had to experience this again...
I told her I get to experience and process loss
that is what I get to do in this lifetime.

She shared with my father what happened and he when he heard my voice on the phone,
he said:
" I am so sorry, I don't know what else to say about it"
I told him that was perfect and thank you
then he told me I was a strong woman, 
this made me almost totally collapse into a puddle.

I haven't seen them since sharing the news, that is unusual.
I called and checked in a couple of time afterwards, to make sure all were alright

I think this has highlighted a couple things for me:
I am older
I can handle loss, repeatedly 
I am stronger now because of what I have experienced in the past
I can 
I am also able to let myself grieve 

I feel in many ways it might have been a sign from my body that I have crossed the last line of fertility. Even when I thought it was past, this was the final proof of that.

I had a dream before this all began, and I had seen myself dead in photographs
Like and out of body experience of seeing myself in a dream
when I looked up the meaning on several dream dictionary sites, they all said the same thing:
"In your dream you see yourself dead, at first you may think this is about you being dead. However it’s not, this dream is about you moving forward into being a new person.
You are growing and maturing as a human being and you’re ready to move to the next phase of your life and you’re ready to leave the old you behind.
This type dream is important because it shows that you are growing and developing your spiritual side and gives you the message that you’re headed in the right direction."
I am taking some comfort in this knowledge from the greater sources

Monday, August 27, 2018

Echos and debris

****Trigger Warning****

photo credit

"internal echos and debris in the uterus"

The ultrasound tech told me that she thought it looked like I had a molar pregnancy.
I didn't know what this was and had to look it up.
There was nothing there now...
I still had blood and tissue in my endometrial lining and 
I should expect to keep spotting until my body either absorbs or expels the rest.
She use to be a midwife overseas, and specialized in high risk pregnancy

When the call came from the doctors office came 
 I was emotionally stable to listen to what they had to say.
which was: 
We don't see anything
one of your fibroids grew a millimeter
If something changes call us

The techs theory made sense to me and I am sticking with that one.
Since then, trying to resume a normal brainwave has been a struggle.
I got results from the doctor on the 23rd of last week and as the week rounded out my urethra
started to hurt/burn. So my Saturday morning I was in the walk in clinic.

I waited a good hour for the pee test, and then another half an our to be "seen"
The nurse that took me in took my vitals and asked questions.
No expression on her face.
She had me sit on the exam table behind a big curtain that she drew around me.
I sat there for another 15 minutes staring at the curtain and shaking, 
only hearing the nurse and doctor type on keyboards.
Then at one point I heard the doctor say my name, and the nurse whisper
She recently had a miscarriage...
At that point from behind the curtain I hear the doctor start to ask the question 
"how far along were you"
and appear from behind the curtain.
I told him early, I didn't even know I was, until I wasn't.
I am I still spotting.
He then said why are you here?
I told him my urethra hurt, not my bladder and I was concerned I might have the beginning of a UTI 
I had taken that urinary pain reliever stuff and aside from some minor relief it didn't do much.
He told me that my pee showed blood,  which makes sense if I am still spotting
but that there were no white blood cells...
blood is an irritant and if I hadn't been sexually active recently, that is the most likely culprit.
Did I have any back pain? I said yes
Then he took a single finger, and barely touched me
to point out to me the kidney area of my back.
Saying kidney issues are on one side only....bilateral pain it muscle.
He then swooped behind the curtain and told me he is calling in a prescription for an antibiotic to cover our bases and will culture my urine in case something didn't show on the dipstick test...
and then that was it.

No hello, so medical questions
just some pee and a finger touch

I left feeling totally numb
The Barren was with me this time and we ate something and picked up the drugs
and I went home and crawled into bed and slept for two hours.

Ideally this is the last of the complications
I can not emotionally take anything else thrown at me.

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

Spent on the sidelines

***Trigger warning***

So I went to the doctor
I must say the level of kindness at the doctors office far exceeded my past experiences 
so there is a "good on you" sticker for them.
I was asked repeatedly if I was alright, and that they were really sorry.
I did express how even after all these years, I was able to find and access that deep sadness and numbness without any effort.
That is a shock still.

I peed in a cup
Had my temp and blood pressure taken (both elevated)
I had a pelvic exam
I was asked to recount what I had experienced over the last two weeks.
I like to give deep details in fear that something would be left out that was needed.

The nurse practitioner said she had ideas about what might be happening
I had all the signs of a miscarriage, but also unstable uterine wall
also peri-menopausal response
My fibroids or cysts or endo acting up
also she didn't know...
but felt that the longer I was on BCP the swing in hormones 
would eventually taper the bleeding.

So I went to get a blood test to check my 
HcG levels
and my iron, because I kept saying that I was really tired.
I also had an order for a pelvic ultrasound.

I was the last appointment for the blood lab before lunch break.
The lady that drew my blood was saying how hungry she was over and over again....
and then as she was taking my blood said:
" I have a really good feeling about this potential pregnancy"
I said, " well, that's good"
and told her to enjoy her lunch.
I left and drove home to fall into a puddle.

Dr's office called the following day to say I am not starting menopause
(at least via hormone levels)
I am anemic and to take a multi vitamin and eat iron rich foods
and the lab didn't run the HCG blood test for some reason...
Did I ask them not to?!

And did I still want to do that.
An additional four days had passed and I told her no, 
I didn't think anything would be left to see.

I am now about to go and have my ultrasound
I am anxious and nervous about my cysts and fibroids having changed.
I am still spotting, and I know this ultrasound tech.
She is compassionate and listens and gives me a heads up 
if I need to be concerned about something she sees.

I am off to drink my water and get probed.
Then, then I can feel unpoked for a couple weeks before my annual checkup
In the meantime I will work on feeling more connected with my body again, as I currently feel quite removed from I am watching from the sidelines.

Wednesday, August 15, 2018


**Trigger warning**

photo by Mary Ellen Mark
It has been a strange cycle...
and it seems to have revealed why.
I have miscarried again.

I am quite confused and shocked
I have been bleeding since last week.
and then last night it changed and this morning it was all tissue
...lots and lots of tissue.
I have some cramping, and I feel numb.

In fact it has been so long I looked up the signs, just to see if I was imagining them. 
I have all them...textbook perfect early miscarriage.

The Barren is traveling for work, and although I want to tell him,
today is a busy one for him and he doesn't need to be worried about me.
My bestie is at work I don't need to tell her yet.
So I am here, telling you.

I didn't think I'd have another 
experience this again, and the weird numbness that goes with it
I have been on my pill for three days, but the bleeding hasn't stopped.
I hope it will taper off  now.
I will skip yoga tonight, and wait for the bleeding to ease up.
I am just going to be quiet and kind to myself.
I have studio work to do, that is not hard or vigorous.

I am okay
just stunned 
and maybe a little sad too
I think I am trying to hold it together until I can cry into a shoulder.

Thursday, August 09, 2018

Summertime Rolls

I am in this photo, right there with my butt up in the air

This is the Saturday morning class I love to take...
the teacher places a COLD washcloth's on each persons face afterwards and it is a slice of heaven!

it is sometimes a struggle to get there because it ends half an hour after farmers market starts and if you are a regular farmers market goer, you know the best stuff is right when they it is a practice of letting shit go and enjoying being at class, then enjoying the pace of the market when I arrive afterwards. I am also not one of those ladies that 
loves to wear her yoga clothes to do errands and stuff...
so the looks from the farmers while I try and hide a camel toe or my body odor is something too.
I pretend to be blissfully unaware of the stares...

The summer is passing and it seems that the activity I am most often partaking in is sweating...
sweat overnight, wake up and go to yoga and sweat, come home shower and try to not sweat (unsuccessful at that still) then sweat while cooking dinner and cleaning up, evening shower
 and repeat
it probably doesn't help that most of my state is on fire and there has been heat wave after heat I am not sure if this is a peri-menopausal thing or simply summer.
I am gonna say it is summer because the other option sux!

We have watched friends go on vacations, kids go to summer camp,
and we have even been host to a couple visitors.
Alas, we have not escaped.

I was told that my work was taking a few days off to spend time with family and I got very excited at the idea of not having to commute for a while week...but they shortened the vaca and it fell on the days I am normally not there so no real vacation for me.

I am doing my best to make it productive none the less
but...I got my period and now I am either sweat sleeping or trying to not eat everything in the house.
Happy summer vacation!

 I am still trying....I canceled yoga for myself this week...
it is good to rest every now and then...and I think I need it, plus if I am sweating all day and my uterus is a battleground why not sit back and watch the show.
I don't need to prove to myself that I can still do my thing...
my newly built muscles are not going to disappear overnight.
It will all be alright.

It is summertime, eat some watermelon...
sleep a little later when you can, go for a drive somewhere
collect a few interesting things to remember this time, take some photos.
I mean isn't that what Summer Vacation use to be?!