Sunday, February 17, 2019

Challenge and changes

Post about new loss of a companion 

So I finished the 30days of yoga in 31days, I had 35 to do it in.
in the final week, a horrible happened.

Our sweet fat kitty was diagnosed with aggressive large cell lymphoma in his intestines along with a sizable growth that was impeding into this colon.
This came out of no where and to say the least has taken us to the rawest place.
He was diagnosed on Tuesday, the day before his 13th birthday, confirmed cell size on Wednesday and Friday night we had the vet home to home and let him go.
In the two and a half days from diagnosis he had stopped eating and drinking and was no longer sleeping but just gazing. 
The disease moved fast and the vet said that the gazing was it entering the brain.

He was slathered in love, and body rubs and kisses and told over and over how much he was loved.
He was the first cat to have as a companion that spoke to you and moaned and groaned responses.
He loved sleeping and when not sleeping, he liked to nap.
There is a massive hole in us
The Barren declared that he lost his best friend.
I am struck over and over during the day.
The surviving kitty, is 3 years older and today has been calling for him....
It is heart breaking...yesterday he spent a large portion as high up on my chest as he could get
my heart below his flip flopping in my chest.

It is going to be a long road as we all learn to live with this new grief.
I am thankful I had 13years with him
and was able to laugh through tears as memories of his antics flood my mind.
Ideally we were able to free him from his body fast enough to avoid him suffering from an evil fast moving demon....

Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Day 16

It is day 16 of the 30 day challenge...
or 19 of yoga in a row.

I am gonna be honest-
I am feeling deep muscle tired
often as the day goes on, new and funny parts of me start to stiffen.
like right now just typing I feel the base of my deltoid stiffening.

Related image

Each morning I seem to be getting out of bed like this 
and after some water and pacing I am at it for the day.

Remember the tin man before he got oiled...
I am the tin woman.
building stamina and muscle 
and not waiting for anyone to rescue me

I made a promise to myself and this body that I would keep going until I can't
so although I might be slow some days,  I am still at it.
I refuse to rust!

When I am not quietly groaning and shuffling to get back up the stairs...
 you'll find me in the yoga studio.

Tuesday, January 22, 2019


Image result for vintage laundry gif

I did not realize how much laundry a 
diet of sweaty yoga classes every day generated.

I was overwhelmed with pile this last weekend...
and also amazed.

I am currently at day 12 of classes and day 9 of the 30 day challenge

There were two former police officers that were competing against each other
 and set a goal to do all 30 classes in a week!
Yesterday morning, was the final day for them both...
they both finished their 30 classes at noon!
it is strange to me...the whole competition thing, like I've mentioned before....

I feel good
I haven't needed any painkillers yet...
but I must say my stomach muscles were quite angry this last weekend 
and today my legs are a little jelly like.

I know that mom's wash huge loads of clothes all the time.
Or it appears that way, for it is a number one complaint of my SIL
and I guess I am glad I don't have more than two peoples clothes to wash and dry
you can't forget wet clothes in the dryer....sigh

It is a strange adult task 

nothing mind blowing in this post...
just observing weird normal things

Friday, January 18, 2019

Overcoming self imposed fears-part one

I do not like public talking, especially when I am the central focus.
or when ALL eyes are on me.
I have taken public speaking classes to conquer this discomfort...
but after many years 
and the comforts of making myself more of a hermit....
public talks are foreign once again.

So when a local college professor called asking if I would speak to his folio class
I said sure.
No big was weeks away

I approached this in a SUPER casual way and I think it helped keep my nerves at bay.
I didn't overthink anything.

Today was the day.
The Barren helped put my work into a PowerPoint and showed me how to use it.
and I walked into a college class and spoke for 40 MINUTES 
in front of a room full of photography students
about my work and process and history.
Aside from those moments when you hear your own voice and go 
"where am I and what am I doing?!" 
I think it went as best as it could for being all over the place.

When the professor asked about artists, he always mentioned men.
When he referenced contemporary artists working in a particular style he mentioned men.
He referenced curators and jurors as masculine.
When I responded to his references my answers to him were always female.
The curator is this show is a women, that juror is a woman...
the owner of that gallery is a woman, the person making that style of art lives nearby and is a woman.

I was surprised by his lack of knowledge/reference of female artists and curators.
My corrections came natural to me, and ideally were picked up by the artists in class.
When I got home I told the Barren and he said:

"I am proud of just did something that is not in your nature, 
and it is so important to have women representing in classes, 
for exactly the reason you saw"

Gosh he is a wordsmith to my heart....

Fearful moment #1:
public speaking-no big deal

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Competition with myself

I have signed up for this challenge.
I am sorry if my next few posts have a heavy yoga theme, 
it is pretty much the only real socializing I get...cuz I am a dork like that.

I don't normally do this sort of thing because I have discovered that I find competition quite repulsive. It does not motivate me, it makes me retreat.
I don't even like when people shout words of encouragement to push you through....
like when running for the finish line, or to keep up with the pace of others.

I had signed up for this kind of thing at the last yoga studio I use to go to, 
but it was a punch card and it turned out to be way competitive! 
So I did two or three classes got my little card punched and then found reasons to not finish them 
and self sabotaged the efforts of the punch card.
There were people who went to classes three or four times a day so I felt Why?!

This one felt different, one is forcing it down my throat or talking it up like you all get cars if you finish. This one is hey, we've been open a year and we made this chart with sharpies and have stickers that you can put in a box next to your name after each class you take...and you have 35 days to do 30 days of yoga because, you know life and shit happens sometimes.

Also you can only get one sticker per day, so if you come once that is the same as coming three times a day...for those crazy overachievers....and for those that have day jobs and relationships.
Quite frankly, I was highly excited about my first sticker, it was a gold unicorn!
I am still 7 years old and get excited about stickers and unicorns

this is my 6th day in a row but only the 3rd in the challenge...
so now I have one unicorn and two stars.
I am also playing hooky from work this week as we are getting some rain and evacuation orders have been issued and revoked due to threats of debris from last years fires.
I have spent my time in yoga, practicing mudras , eating, watching crappy tv and reading.
I have also done some catch up on art things and planning for the coming year.
I am trying to be happier and less fearful.
that is what I am working on the most this year...
less fear
so I am taking yoga every day
and even when the next cycle comes along I will be there...
reminding myself that I am powerful and have overcome all threats to my reproductive system.

There is a woman that practices next to me often in class and she is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping people free the BODY from trauma. She says we trap trauma in our bodies and our bodies replay that over and over again even when we are currently safe and there is no threat. 
Like soldiers that have survived bombs and people who have lived through shootings or car crashes.

This resonated with me and my white coat and I started meditating on my uterus being safe from trauma, and trying to calm her down from her past experiences.
I am taking time every day to practice this seems to feel natural and soothing me.

I am not sure how many days I will end up practicing for this challenge but I am willing to try and that is HUGE...and if they keep providing gold unicorn stickers there is no telling how long this could go on!

Friday, December 28, 2018

I am good and healthy

I got the phone call while dropping off artwork at the gallery.
I had to take the call in a public place....
I repeated what the Nurse said:
"clear and good, nothing present"
I folded in half with relief
the curator walked up to me and said...
that sounded like good news
I said yes, I had a test and it is clear.
What were you tested for?
I had a biopsy from my uterus, they wanted to rule out cancer.
She turned white and said she was so very glad to hear the news....
I told her it felt like I could take a deep breath.

I remember thanking her again for including me in the exhibition and I floated out of the gallery and landed in a metaphysical gift store a couple doors down where I bought my bestie a set of Animal Spirit Guide cards

Since the news I have been kind of numb and very thankful
very present 
and quieter

I enjoyed a quiet Christmas with The Barren
and then with family

I am fine, I am good, I am thankful 
and peri-menopausal

Monday, December 17, 2018

Mind is a swirl

Image result for mind swirling gif

I have only really thought about what the biopsy was looking for a couple times
and when I dealt with the REALNESS of it, I became overwhelmed.

I felt a wave of love wash over me in yoga class, 
and became quite overwhelmed with the feeling that I actually cried.... 
I was quite sweaty and so it was not noticeable.

The waiting is indeed the hardest part.
I have spent time not thinking, meditating, doing busy work and trying to not focus on my normal catastrophic thinking that I go to almost automatically.
I have been talking myself off the ledge, but reminding myself that my doctor surgeries have been successful and that there is no reason why this will not result in another good experience and a negative- you don't have cancer result.

For not thinking about it, it sure sounds like I have been thinking about it.

Ideally I should hear something tomorrow....but until then I am off to make gingerbread nuts

this recipe:



  • 3 cups Nuts (I used 1 1/2 cups Walnut Halves and 1 1/2 cups Pecan Halves)
  • 1/2 + 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
  • 1/2 + 1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
  • 1/4 teaspoon ground all spice
  • 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
  • 1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
  • 3 tablespoons brown sugar
  • big pinch coarse salt
  • 2 tablespoons coconut oil


  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
  2. Add nuts to a large mixing bowl.
  3. In a small bowl, combine spices, sugar and coconut oil. Add to nuts and toss well until nuts are completely coated.
  4. Bake in 350 degree oven for 10-12 minutes until fragrant. Let cool before serving.