Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Shower Time

Get this card HERE

It seems Spring sprung and all group of gals is pregnant with babies.

I was invited to a baby shower, for a pregnant family member. 
My first personal thoughts while smiling about the news was:
" oh gosh I hope they don't invite me to the shower" 

I was indeed invited as was my mother and SIL
I spoke to my crying mother on the phone about the invitation 
and asked her what she was crying about?!
( It has been almost a decade since we realized that we were not getting a baby this time around)

She said, "I don't think I can go, 
I mean it was suppose to be you! I am so sad that you never got to do any of this...."
I was really surprised, I mean this came out of left field for me!
I told her that maybe we could go together and leave before they opened gifts...
She told me she was concerned about the silly games...
I told her we would go to celebrate a the family that was becoming a new Aunt and Grandma
...wasn't that exciting?
She said she would think about it.

I then texted my cousin who was one of the hosts and said:
" I am trying to get an answer outta my mom, baby showers are hard for us- so I am trying to get my mom to come for a little bit but most likely we'd leave before gifts, sorry for the delay in responding"

Typing her made my heart beat hard; surprisingly, I felt slightly ashamed and embarrassed at being to emotional.

She wrote back super fast:
"totally understandable and seriously no worries at all if you decide to pass. Most important was just that you know we love you and you are invited, and NO REASON at all to apologize, even in the least bit.
Our mom to be is not a big fan pf attention, so the whole thing is a little strange for her. No pressure, she will not feel any less supported or loved if you choose to skip it"

I called to tell my mom that we had time to make up our minds about where to set limits....
she told me she already said she'd go.
I am still glad I totally put myself out there and owned my reality

That night while feeling confused and spun, The Barren told me he was going to play a benefit concert and was only allowed 1 person to go and see him.
It was on the same day.
I RSVP'd that night that I was not going.

Now I am left with finishing the baby gifts to deliver ahead of the shower
....all handmade
because I am that person.

Friday, May 04, 2018

Mothering myself

With Mother's Day around the corner here in the US, I am on guard.
I am occupying myself with other busy work and distractions....
but I found myself alone and in front of the mothers day cards the other day while running errands. 

I suddenly felt myself OK making this a safe place for me, alone in the middle of the day on the card aisle staring at what appeared to be a football field long row of cards. 
Thankfully I am OK reading them when there isn't someone breathing over my shoulder 
or reaching for other cards from each of my sides.
I call that progress....

FYI, I also do this task now, a couple weeks ahead of the date...so that I feel as though I stumbled on idea of getting cards for my SIL and mom, without the pressure build up of this day.
Like, oh yeah, I need dish soap, thank goodness I passed it here in the store to remind myself...
kind of stumbled...I guess my version of nonchalant

My mood was lifted when I found this perfect card
It broke my serious mood
It broke my melancholy mood
It made me laugh at the perfect balance of sarcasm and candor:

ignore my punk rock nail polish and bath in the glory of this card 😊

I ended up with a different sarcastic card for my mom...but this one holds my heart.

Friday, April 27, 2018

Goals and Birthdays

vanilla cake, lime coconut frosting vegan birthday cupcakes

I am not sure why, but I seem to always be SUPER emotional and goal oriented around my birthday.
I had set a goal for myself last year and when I didn't met it I was disappointed 
but kept moving towards it.
 It is something I have wanted to be able to do for longer than I can remember...
It represents a symbol of strength to me...
It is pretty badass
It is something most people can do with almost no effort

What is it?
A pushup

I have never been able to do one
I want to be able to do one, and not a "girl" push-up
but a kick-ass real deal push-up

I have been working on it for a LONG time... 
and I am proud to report I did it in front of The Barren on the eve of my 
48th birthday, Tuesday night.
The Barren cried he was so happy for me (heart swelling)

I am also of the camp that if it is not documented it didn't really happen
and being a visual person, I needed to photograph it
so I did:

Elbows in against my ribs
down to a 90* bend 
ass up, knees off the floor
legitimate push-up folks!

Tuesday, April 03, 2018

Sitting and thinking

I have been doing a lot of thinking recently.

Some days it manifests as napping, or seated meditation or wall staring. 
Regardless of its form, I have been doing a lot of reflecting.

I think my rant (previous post) got under my skin...
and seeing it there made me realize I was upset over things that I really don't have space for.
Nor, do I want to have space for...

As I have been aging away from baby-making years, 
I find that the first few years (10 or so) were beyond comprehension painful.
I found depths of sadness I never knew existed.
I almost slipped forever into those places, never to return.
I will never forget those times, although they are years away, they are very close still.

I am thankful for that minuscule/tiny spark in me that said to keep fighting...
keep being a badass, a noisemaker, a warrior.

As I am much farther down that path, 
I am thankful for my bodies ability to heal and recover 
and find new ways to make me fall in love with it again.

I can be okay with turning away from the baby oogling and cooing.
I am okay smiling at toddlers as they give me deer in headlight stares from shopping carts.
I am okay not being Okay with something one day and totally fine with it another.
I am giving myself permission to listen if I want and 
walk away if it don't feel connected with talk of children. 

This last month was endometriosis awareness month
and there was a big campaign on Instagram about it...
people declaring they were or someone they cared about was 1 in 10
people dealing with Endo.
One of the questions asked of the community was:
What gift has your Endo diagnosis given you?
I engaged and said:
 That after my stage 4 diagnosis, I was freed of guilt.
I realized that my infertility reflected nothing I had done wrong. 
I had done nothing wrong

I am practicing in a new yoga studio these days and have pumped up my practice to daily. 
This new studio is closer to home and has a lot of different kinds of classes.
One I take twice a week has been teaching me real meditation skills and I have already found them to be reflecting in my daily routines.*

This last weekend I spent two days cooking for Passover.
I made everything from scratch and we hosted my parents, a new tradition for us.
*The Barren mentioned that I was quite calm, and not frantic like I normally am.

We started this tradition because my mother would be working her tail off of days and when the family came for dinner she never sat and enjoyed the meal herself...for like 45+ years! 
so I make her meal and she and my father sit and enjoy the meal without chaos and distractions and have conversations with us.

This year, I did all the cooking and served a super homemade meal...
My father was not impressed
He didn't like most of what I made and told me so.

*I listened and heard him and sat in those critiques

After they left, I quietly washed dishes and sat down.
I overslept the alarm for class the next morning....
When I was finally awake, The Barren asked if I was alright...
I had been standing for the last two days, and it made sense that I was tired.

I told him I felt hurt that my efforts to impress my father made no difference to my father....
but I understood that I was seeking validation for something I wanted to do.
He not liking the food was his thing.
*Me feeling hurt that he didn't like the food was mine;
I needed to focus on the fact that I enjoyed making the food, 
and thinking of family that had made it before me.
I had no space or desire for the negative places I went

I was more aware of myself now  

I am becoming more aware of who I am now...
and for that I am thankful

Saturday, March 03, 2018

Pet Peeve AKA Rant

Okay, I have to admit, as time passes I have found that I have a new pet peeve.
I can not stand when people post on social media how proud and excited they are
 that their children are actualizing and becoming small humans.
So excited little child has pooped in the potty
So excited little child slept for three hours
So excited only threw up twice today
so excited ate food

Image result for frustrated gif

you don't need to report that your child is acting like any other human 
wow, not only did you procreate but now you are surprised 
that your little human are now acting like a little human


Saturday, February 17, 2018

Celebrity Reading

In Her Own Words: Lena Dunham on Her Decision to Have a Hysterectomy at 31

I read this yesterday and it was strangely familiar to me
down to the nitty gritty details- in a strange and comforting way

I was able to keep my uterus 
and still advocate for it every year
but there was a time I had this on the table and it was a valid and real choice 

Friday, February 16, 2018

Olympic Sized Triggers

I don't know what it is like in other countries with the Olympic advertisers....
but here in the US, the sponsors are running ads that are triggering the hell outta me 
and making me dread every breakaway while watching the athletes compete.

If it is not a credit card company, it is some ad about how moms are great and make athletes superstars from their love and care and drinking milk.