Saturday, October 15, 2016

Movie review and warning

Movie binge watching, had me stumble on the second half of the movie By The Sea-Movie 
which I had no idea what it was about other than it was panned as 
being an Arthouse film or "really boring"

I thought it was more art film than boring...I sometimes like to watch things unfold slowly and with a hot bathtub scene with beautiful people I was watching...

The charaters were clearly tortured and working on being either ok with each other or deciding to not be ok with each other.
It was the ending I was not expecting...
I literally said out loud to the television " are you kidding me?!"

*******SPOILER ALERT**********

She can't have kids, and has suffered two miscarriages and has retreated into herself.
I get it....
I get it well

So if you know that going into the film it might make the whole thing strangely familiar as far as emotions and actions and feelings 
More like a post card to yourself from yourself from times gone by.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Time marches on


Ducklings in paper dresses....lets start here.

I have been wanting to write here.

I just got back from a weekend visit with my bestie.
We live several hundred miles apart and so visiting often is quite involved.
This time, we made arrangements a month+ ahead of time 
and I got an AirBnB 
and had The Barren take an extra day off to recover from the travel time.

When we arrived we hit the ground running.
My bestie talked my ear off <3 p="">
She was sooooooooo excited to see me that she just kept talking and talking and talking....
It was great and exhausting.
I ate like a queen, 
and covered The Barren in kisses of appreciation 
for making and supporting the time away.

The Barren was recovering/processing of sorts, 
from a sudden and unexpected death of a coworker.
This time together was needed.

We spent the time away talking and being quiet and just being.
Bestie has a child, who we are close with and who is the most well adjusted 
young person I have ever known.
He is an only child and has been treated as a human from day one 
and it is reflected in his mood and demeanor.
The Barren and I are listed as caregivers should something horrible happen to his parents.
He was able to choose, and we were happy to be those people for him.
So it is all legal and stuff...
He is growing up fast and has landed firmly into tweenhood
Time marches on

I got this photo in my email today:
"do you recognize the blanket"
I made that blanket for her older brother as a baby shower gift.
It was a reminder of how far down this road I have traveled.
How long ago I was making blankets for friends babies, and wishing for my own.
Like a moving meditation, make a blanket, earn more points to me getting a baby of my own.
The above child was conceived while I was having miscarriages and I threw her mother a shower, thinking I could still do it all. 
Once this little lady was born, I told her mom (who I've known since we were 14yrs old)
that I could not be what she needed of me...
she has respected that and we send hellos every once in a while.
Time marches on

Then today I also got an email asking if someone could use an image from my Infertility Art Exhibition....this exhibition was 6 years ago and I am still getting requests for image use.
time marches on

Here I am three weeks away from my first miscarriage anniversary and I am getting reminders of how long ago we left the path for parenthood but also how far we have traveled.
Time marches on

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Soapboxing and babble

On the day after the democratic convention I was so taken by the idea that 
we might be able to get women in positions of power
I was a bit emotionally overcome and felt my inner suffragette start to roar....
I got this shirt

I believe we are the closest we have ever been to shifting the patriarchal structure
which is exciting and LONNNNNG overdue
I needed to add my two cents by being a human billboard

The other day I wore this shirt out in public.
I live in a mixed political neighborhood...
so I have not wanted to invite screams or bullying
Instead we went to a nearby town that is far more granola

I had forgotten what I was one often does after getting dressed in the morning.
I hear some snickers...
I didn't think anything of it for a while and then when I heard one of the people repeat what was written on my shirt...I knew the cause.
I was not sure how to interpret her response...but she seemed tickled by the words.
So I will take it as an OK response, and thankfully not a verbally abusive one.

This political environment has not only myself, but friends having nightmares about the circus possibilities. The family that agrees with the potential of circus america is even harder to avoid on social media...I just keep filling my feed with period positive articles, women's health changes and  positive options for the world around us. Avoiding confrontations with said family.

Speaking of circuses:

We attended a child's 1st birthday party, a friend of ours....the one that used the name we had secreted away for our own never to be baby. 
I can say the baby's name now and not have it hurt so deeply...I created a mantra that repeated that he was not our "baby name" but a different one.
The baby was not the only baby there, in fact it felt like everyone brought babies.
There were new babies, toddlers and small children.
The Barren and I stayed for a bit, and when the cake came out we left soon afterwards.
We were quiet and in funny moods we went home and ate some potato chips and watched crappy TV to decompress.
 In the big picture world, that is a major step.
In our current world, it is still a bump for us in a day; one that takes an entire day to recover from and requires quiet, and junk food and mood swings.

I've read many times over that "mercury is in retrograde"- which always made me think....
hold strong, shits about to REALLY hit the fan. 
Recently though, while at a coffee shop I was given some words of wisdom from another woman who was also waiting for caffeine.
She looked like Joan Jett so I think that drew me into her words.
She explained that mercury in retrograde really means that we should look inward and how we talk to ourselves and ask to be heard. It helps our brains de-clutter and reconfigure.

So on that note...I am off to abuse the post-it notes and reconfigure

Monday, September 12, 2016

Mondayssssss for days

I needed a little pick me up
so I thought I would pass it along to 
you magical wonderful loveies

Tuesday, August 30, 2016


Once again my tub is a recovery zone.

Two weeks ago I was feeling on top of the world, I was seeing results from pushing myself farther and harder in class to reach new personal goals. 
I was feeling the benefits of the vitamin D I was taking again.
I was feeling invincible.

Then I noticed it had been a long time since I had peed that day.
When I did finally try, barely anything came out.
So, being the over achiever, I drank 40+oz of water and a quarter of a watermelon.
I must have been dehydrated.

I began to pee, but it was very little and then every few moments...
I knew this was not good, but for some reason did nothing to stop this decent until four hours had passed and I started to pee blood.
The Barren was traveling for work and when he called and heard me he said you gonna ride it out until the morning and see your doctor...I said yeah.
I was wrong...when 9pm came around I was EXHAUSTED and all the walk in clinics were closed.
Our local ER is like going into downtown Bangladesh and the wait times are off the chart...
plus I was scared and alone.
I mustered up my courage and got myself into the car and drove to another towns ER.
I had to stop along the way to pee, more blood...and pain

I made it to the ER and felt like I was going to pass out.
I gave a sample, that looked more like a small glass of Rosé
They took me in right away and told me where the bathroom was.
I was calm considering how frightened I was.

I get white coat too, so my pulse was elevated and explained to the admitting nurse what was happening. It took a while before the dishtowel of an ER doctor came in.
I had gone to the bathroom twice while waiting for him.
He didn't even look me in the face for the first half of the questioning.
He asked if I had any surgeries, I explained my endo and cyst and fibroids.
He asked if I had, had any others, I said I had my wisdom teeth out, but I didn't think that the roots went that deep. 
At that point he smirked and said he'd be back after the results came in.

While I waited more, I just kept peeing, and walking back and forth from my room to the bathroom.
Pain building...and blood.
Finally, another nurse came in and sat down, looked and me and said:
" I've seen you go to the bathroom many many times since you've been admitted. Can you tell me what is going on? " He looked at me and listened and I told him the pressure is so is as bad as cramping and the pain while peeing is building. 
And even though I have a fairly high pain tolerance, this was beginning to be quite upsetting.

He came back with some meds, and I took them...and then threw them up.
Then peed again and while walking back to the room.
The doctor said " you are allergic to a lot of things! "
I responded " yes, I am very special"

The nurse smirked and followed me back into the room, 
gave me some saltines, anti-nausea meds and another dose of medicine. 

He got me released and explained that I had a UTI and that the meds would take 24-36 hours before I felt better. I thanked him and drove home. The bladder pills already working and allowing me to make it home without having to stop.
I came home and passed was 1:30am

The next couple of days were rough, and it felt like I had overwiped from all the peeing...
when I finally looked three days later I discovered I had gotten a HEMORRHOID!
All that pressure had caused me to get one!
I have never had one and so after a week had passed and I checked back in with my doc, 
she said "well if it doesn't go away, we will have to cut and drain it!"
I went blank again...
needles and knives in my BUTT!
I am currently doing a lot of soaking, icing and creams
I am repeating my body healing mantras and soaking in tubs three to four times a day.
it is changing slowly...but the only person who will admit to having had a 'roid is my bestie.
I am doing the wait it out and let it resolve itself path.

This whole thing, as me naked from the waist down at home again...
which sounds like fun, but has totally put a bend in my mojo.
I am asking for suggestions or hemorrhoid recovery tales...
I need to know that there is a light at the end of my tunnel
(hahaha, so to speak)

Monday, August 29, 2016


I saw this today and thought
"My gawd I love this woman"

I am working on unleashing this woman;
she lives inside me and I seem to always want to keep her contained...
it is time for her to run free

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Punk Rock Girl

I am still punk rock!

Okay let me back up....
So I sold an artwork to someone a couple of years ago. 
Turns out this person is a BIG TIME collector and it means something real.
She is also quite the socialite in town and often hosts events in her home.
I was able to attend one about a year and a half ago, and listen to lecture given by a woman who wrote books about some of the founding mothers of contemporary art.
At said party, we were encouraged to socialize and eat little treats etc...
that was when I saw my artwork on the wall!
It was a thrill and then a HORROR as I realized I had not signed my work!

I thought about all night and when I wrote my thank you card, I mentioned that I would love to return for five minutes and sign the work. 
No all this time it has set in my heart as a failure on my part.

Well, last night there was another meeting at the home of the hostess once again!
I daydreamed about remedying the situation but tried to fall on the side of 
" it is her artwork now, leave it be"
The home and art collection on display was beyond impressive once again

Yoko Ono work

Pretty little canapes were out in a rainbow of colors
I socialized and got a hot flash...
I saw a friend and asked if there was a cooler room that she had discovered. 
She mentioned the hostess's office which was open for visitors 
to see the continued art collection.

I met a woman in this room whom I chatted up while cooling off...
we admired the same work and talked about what we loved about certain pieces
I asked if she was an artist
 (this event was hosting artists, curators, museum directors, gallery owners and art writers)
She was and asked if I was as well
I mentioned that my artwork was just in the other room
She asked to see it.
When I looked at it my heart sank...and I mentioned to her that I had forgotten to sign it...
She grabbed it off the wall and said "do it now!"

I giggled and eagerly took the frame into the adjoining room and opened it up and popped out the mat and signed the work. Then just as quickly, popped it back into the frame and locked it all back up. She was by my side the whole time telling me how common it is to forget to sign work...
and that the collector would want me to.

After my act was done, she asked if I could breathe...
I said..."so deeply" it was like my work was a whole piece in a collection now.
I felt vindicated 
and a bit PUNK ROCK