Friday, May 04, 2018

Mothering myself

With Mother's Day around the corner here in the US, I am on guard.
I am occupying myself with other busy work and distractions....
but I found myself alone and in front of the mothers day cards the other day while running errands. 

I suddenly felt myself OK making this a safe place for me, alone in the middle of the day on the card aisle staring at what appeared to be a football field long row of cards. 
Thankfully I am OK reading them when there isn't someone breathing over my shoulder 
or reaching for other cards from each of my sides.
I call that progress....

FYI, I also do this task now, a couple weeks ahead of the that I feel as though I stumbled on idea of getting cards for my SIL and mom, without the pressure build up of this day.
Like, oh yeah, I need dish soap, thank goodness I passed it here in the store to remind myself...
kind of stumbled...I guess my version of nonchalant

My mood was lifted when I found this perfect card
It broke my serious mood
It broke my melancholy mood
It made me laugh at the perfect balance of sarcasm and candor:

ignore my punk rock nail polish and bath in the glory of this card 😊

I ended up with a different sarcastic card for my mom...but this one holds my heart.

Friday, April 27, 2018

Goals and Birthdays

vanilla cake, lime coconut frosting vegan birthday cupcakes

I am not sure why, but I seem to always be SUPER emotional and goal oriented around my birthday.
I had set a goal for myself last year and when I didn't met it I was disappointed 
but kept moving towards it.
 It is something I have wanted to be able to do for longer than I can remember...
It represents a symbol of strength to me...
It is pretty badass
It is something most people can do with almost no effort

What is it?
A pushup

I have never been able to do one
I want to be able to do one, and not a "girl" push-up
but a kick-ass real deal push-up

I have been working on it for a LONG time... 
and I am proud to report I did it in front of The Barren on the eve of my 
48th birthday, Tuesday night.
The Barren cried he was so happy for me (heart swelling)

I am also of the camp that if it is not documented it didn't really happen
and being a visual person, I needed to photograph it
so I did:

Elbows in against my ribs
down to a 90* bend 
ass up, knees off the floor
legitimate push-up folks!

Tuesday, April 03, 2018

Sitting and thinking

I have been doing a lot of thinking recently.

Some days it manifests as napping, or seated meditation or wall staring. 
Regardless of its form, I have been doing a lot of reflecting.

I think my rant (previous post) got under my skin...
and seeing it there made me realize I was upset over things that I really don't have space for.
Nor, do I want to have space for...

As I have been aging away from baby-making years, 
I find that the first few years (10 or so) were beyond comprehension painful.
I found depths of sadness I never knew existed.
I almost slipped forever into those places, never to return.
I will never forget those times, although they are years away, they are very close still.

I am thankful for that minuscule/tiny spark in me that said to keep fighting...
keep being a badass, a noisemaker, a warrior.

As I am much farther down that path, 
I am thankful for my bodies ability to heal and recover 
and find new ways to make me fall in love with it again.

I can be okay with turning away from the baby oogling and cooing.
I am okay smiling at toddlers as they give me deer in headlight stares from shopping carts.
I am okay not being Okay with something one day and totally fine with it another.
I am giving myself permission to listen if I want and 
walk away if it don't feel connected with talk of children. 

This last month was endometriosis awareness month
and there was a big campaign on Instagram about it...
people declaring they were or someone they cared about was 1 in 10
people dealing with Endo.
One of the questions asked of the community was:
What gift has your Endo diagnosis given you?
I engaged and said:
 That after my stage 4 diagnosis, I was freed of guilt.
I realized that my infertility reflected nothing I had done wrong. 
I had done nothing wrong

I am practicing in a new yoga studio these days and have pumped up my practice to daily. 
This new studio is closer to home and has a lot of different kinds of classes.
One I take twice a week has been teaching me real meditation skills and I have already found them to be reflecting in my daily routines.*

This last weekend I spent two days cooking for Passover.
I made everything from scratch and we hosted my parents, a new tradition for us.
*The Barren mentioned that I was quite calm, and not frantic like I normally am.

We started this tradition because my mother would be working her tail off of days and when the family came for dinner she never sat and enjoyed the meal herself...for like 45+ years! 
so I make her meal and she and my father sit and enjoy the meal without chaos and distractions and have conversations with us.

This year, I did all the cooking and served a super homemade meal...
My father was not impressed
He didn't like most of what I made and told me so.

*I listened and heard him and sat in those critiques

After they left, I quietly washed dishes and sat down.
I overslept the alarm for class the next morning....
When I was finally awake, The Barren asked if I was alright...
I had been standing for the last two days, and it made sense that I was tired.

I told him I felt hurt that my efforts to impress my father made no difference to my father....
but I understood that I was seeking validation for something I wanted to do.
He not liking the food was his thing.
*Me feeling hurt that he didn't like the food was mine;
I needed to focus on the fact that I enjoyed making the food, 
and thinking of family that had made it before me.
I had no space or desire for the negative places I went

I was more aware of myself now  

I am becoming more aware of who I am now...
and for that I am thankful

Saturday, March 03, 2018

Pet Peeve AKA Rant

Okay, I have to admit, as time passes I have found that I have a new pet peeve.
I can not stand when people post on social media how proud and excited they are
 that their children are actualizing and becoming small humans.
So excited little child has pooped in the potty
So excited little child slept for three hours
So excited only threw up twice today
so excited ate food

Image result for frustrated gif

you don't need to report that your child is acting like any other human 
wow, not only did you procreate but now you are surprised 
that your little human are now acting like a little human


Saturday, February 17, 2018

Celebrity Reading

In Her Own Words: Lena Dunham on Her Decision to Have a Hysterectomy at 31

I read this yesterday and it was strangely familiar to me
down to the nitty gritty details- in a strange and comforting way

I was able to keep my uterus 
and still advocate for it every year
but there was a time I had this on the table and it was a valid and real choice 

Friday, February 16, 2018

Olympic Sized Triggers

I don't know what it is like in other countries with the Olympic advertisers....
but here in the US, the sponsors are running ads that are triggering the hell outta me 
and making me dread every breakaway while watching the athletes compete.

If it is not a credit card company, it is some ad about how moms are great and make athletes superstars from their love and care and drinking milk.


Thursday, February 15, 2018

Random Encounters

I was feeling blue today, rough start to the day perhaps or just a flood of feelings...regardless I took a moment and said to myself 
" you gotta change this"
so I started doing things that my therapist use to call "Chopping wood and carrying water"
movement through sorrow...the key is to move, both literally and mentally.

We have a bunch of money paperwork in our bedroom, 
it is bad Feng Shui
so I decided to tackle that and get it out of our bedroom and stored somewhere more appropriate.
I made a list of things I needed and headed out to the 99cent store for office supplies.

I was cruising the aisles and turned the corner to encounter a man that was 
about 400 pounds and 6 foot 2
holding two pairs of hedge trimmers.

He said that " this is what you do to your husband" 
I responded that I loved him too much to hurt him.

I guess that opened the door for his unsolicited advice on how to reach the divine.
I was to call them forth by simply calling their name three times while touching acupressure points on my face and breathing in a certain pattern and they would manifest 

( I could only think about Beetlejuice at this point )
Related image

He then continued to tell me how I could radically change my life with his processes and that he had cured addicts with this breathing and meditation techniques.
He then reached into his pocket on his shorts and pulled the top card off a stack of business cards and told me to go to the website and watch all the videos and read all the information there.

I in turn was taking this opportunity to listen
be present 
watch his hands and my enviroment
and remember that sometimes people just need to talk to someone.

I then said about four times
thank you for the information 
It could make for a very enjoyable weekend.
(with no intent of looking up the website, 
because in my mind I was sure it would have a virus or some creepy spyware.
I try to be kind- but not stupid)

As I was walking away he asked if I had children
I giggled under my breath
I said no
He then said that was good, because " kids these days are nothing but trouble"
I told him I had still had hope for them
at that, he asked if I knew where the superglue was.

It got me out of my mood.
It also kept me on my toes, and I was making note of where he was and making sure he wasn't watching me or following me.

That part sucked the most.