Half a century

I chickened out and stayed away from my parents home.

It broke my heart, but I understand that even if we never got near each other it was a risk I was not willing to take in their health or ours.

So I had a Facetime call with them followed by a zoom call with some friends.

I had sent out invitations to join the call and half way through got self conscience and stopped emailing peeps and then with the gentle nudge of The Barren, 

I sent it out like a crazy shotgun blast to a bunch of people.

Everyone said they would attend and then I freaked out again....

but like parties of the past, not everyone showed up, which was fine.

I did my hair and wore something other than a sweatshirt...and had a pre-meeting freak-out about how everyone was going to be looking at me and I suddenly looked like a tired old woman.

I moved the ipad and swallowed my pride and got on camera.

It was lovely..and SUPER SURREAL!!

I offered my homemade cupcakes to the crowd...

my brother had made a snack tray and had nibbles on camera at his home, 

a neighbor couple wore green mustaches, 

another couple of people had glasses of wine, a cousin showed off her new baby chicks. 

We took tours of each others living rooms and yards.

Then something absolutely humbling happened....

everyone started to show off artwork they had of mine.

I was floored and so deeply touched!

I mean really touched and humbled.

Someone suggested they sing happy birthday 

and the song sounded like it was being sung in a round...which was super funny.

When the call ended I took a shower and fell into a nap!

Two days later I got a gift delivered from a painter friend.

I had sat for her in 2013 while she explored options for a portrait project.

She gifted me the study she did of me.

It is a good likeness of me and I sent a photo of me next to the painting to her 

and she posted it on social media.

I feel like I need a manor home to hang a portrait of myself, it seems very Georgian.

Today I received another gift from another painter friend of poppies.

She said that I came into her mind when she was making it and felt I should have it.

50 is full of surprises so far

It was not what I thought it would be, or how I thought it would be celebrated.

It felt nice to do something with my hair and "dress up" 

It was fun to make myself a birthday cake

and have a local bakery deliver cupcakes to my parents so we could still do our annual birthday cake for breakfast together (apart)

I could actually feel my heart refueling from the love that was shared with me on my group call.

Never mind the high level of anxiety, I was aware of the feeling and took a moment to feel it all and soak it in.

I am thankful for that!

Normal heartbreak

This is my youngest niece.

She is in first grade and this is her new normal.

I made her mask and never imagined I'd see a photo of her like this.

This is her back yard...I am thankful she has safer outdoor space but this just breaks my heart.

Her teachers and principal did one of those drive through the neighborhood and waving to the kiddos that are all now homeschooling. The teachers miss their students and this is their way to support them and show their love. What a crazy new way of seeing the world.

I have been distracted by making masks and mailing them to loved ones far and wide.

It is replacing my normal birthday karma*, and I am happy to do it and it has been a sense of helping in this whole crazy. I have made close to 80, but that number is about to go up as I am making a new set this weekend.

I am using all my old hoarded fabric from when I use to make kids clothes.

Talk about a cathartic turn.

I am watching these beautiful fabrics shrink as I send every new package out to full families.

* I give gifts to loved ones for my birthday every year, recently it has been a piece of artwork but this year it is masks.

The Barren and I are getting along just fine. 

I am thankful for that and I think it really highlights how we can really make this work for another 150 years together.

My birthday is the 25th and I have decided to make a cupcakes, drive the 40+ miles to my parents home and sit across the street and eat our annual birthday cake for breakfast together, apart.

That is the grand plan, that is what 50 will look like for me.

The Barren has agreed to come with and participate in the cake eating celebration.

I continue to listen to the science and plan on this taking longer than expected and getting scarier.

I continue to be thankful that my family and friends are healthy and following rules.

I am thankful for a lot of this upside down version of life.

I am just taking it one step atta time.

I fell twice in less that two weeks here at home; two good bruised up falls.

 As I move slowly and watch my body heal and ache, 

I am thankful that I am able to heal and have the space to do it slowly.

One was a slip on the tile of the bathroom (the same tile we've had for 20+ years) 

and the second was a trip over my work chair that had me land on my ass.

Twin bruises below my butt and a skipped down the rib-cage and stab into my side bruise,

 thanks to a framed artwork.

Thankful I didn't land on the cat who was right beside me !

Also thankful for the extra padding on my body...

as I was wailing in pain, I started laughing and confused The Barren.

He asked if I was mentally alright...

Through laughter I said, " My fat saved me!" 

So yours truly is shaking off this final year of her forties and in a deep metamorphosis into a 

MOTHER FUCKING BUTTERFLY

in time for my birthday!

Busy time

Snail feeding continues

We are about to finish week three in quarantine:

I survived my cycle, and it was "kind of no big deal" 

and it marked one year off birth control.

I made myself period cookies and charged kisses 

from The Barren if he wanted one.

I got a lot of kisses.

The Barren is working long stressful hours at work, as the learning curve

 for his department is almost 90* straight up...

but there is progress every day.

His company announced that everyone will be working from home 

for the unforeseeable future.

There will be no new hires, no promotions and no wage increases.

Everyone is still employed.

***Good news***

I on the other hand, am still trying to figure out how to make a buck or two.

I want to promote a sale on social media, but I feel guilty about it...and so I seem to find reasons to not do it. Would it be uncool to offer art at discounted prices??

I have not hit the portion of this alone time where I clean like a mad person.

I like the idea but, when I think of doing it, I think I could be doing this other thing instead...

hahahaha

I am not a domestic person, but I have become a full time cook and laundry lady.

I am averaging one trip out of the house a week...

this last week was farmers market and the health food store.

It was surreal and I started to wonder 

Will what we remember of society ever be again?!

I awoke this morning from another strange night of sleep, or a sleep-like night.

My dream was that I was photographing for an architectural firm, starting with taking head-shots

and then moving onto a series of stock images for them...but I kept hearing people whisper about me and how I had dirty clothes on.

I was smiling and keeping it all professional the whole time and then someone said to me, 

"you do know that your shirt is stained in back and that you have blood on the back of your skirt!"

I looked down at my beige mini skirt and turned the fabric around, 

and saw that there was blood oxidizing on it and I was confused.

then I woke up saying

" well that is really disappointing"

So how are you sleeping?!

I think the distance is starting to weigh on me and my heart.

This is the longest I have not seen my parents, or brother since traveling many years ago.

I speak with them daily, and have encouraged them to call via facetime...but a traditional phone call seems most comfortable for them.

I am feeling sad I guess.

I have food, a home, clothes and I am healthy.

My close family is healthy, they are fed and safe.

For all that, I am happy.

I guess my heart hurts a little today.

I am acknowledging it and letting it move through me.

That is the healthy thing to do.

I might watch some more youtube videos of people 

walking though the great museums of Europe 

and wonder if I will ever be able to see them again.

what are you doing in your lockdown?