Wednesday, October 30, 2013


photo: Henri Cartier-Bresson
Yesterday was the anniversary of my first of three miscarriages.
I carried this reminder with me all day.
I awoke in the dark and quiet and got dressed.
Cats trailing me like shadows.
I drove in the dark to yoga, and set my intention to be kind to myself.
I focused inward during my practice and felt open afterwards.
My heart wide open, and I could feel the morning air flow through my lungs.
My chest felt uplifted and vulnerable.

I showered and went to get juice.
Quietly stepping over a man sleeping in the early morning dawn on the cement.
(he was someone's baby many days ago, he was someone's little boy....)
 I got a juice for The Barren and caught him before he entered work.
He was already frustrated and huffy before seeing me, and me handing him juice, which was not what he wanted had him roll his eyes and snapped his first words to me.
I held back tears as I told him I hoped his day would be better.
He saw this and lowered his head as he entered the building, like deflated balloon.
With tears brimming, I put a smile on my face and drove away hoping he would not see the arrow sticking out from my chest.
He called and asked me to tell him why I was crying...I was scared to upset his day more and said I was fine. He kept poking and I told him I was tip toe-ing away as he was clearly already mad and I didn't want to feed into it. I told him I loved him and he said he loved me
 and then we hung up to get back to work.
Ten minutes later this text arrived:
You are my heart and my soul and the inspiration and sustenance of my flesh.
Mornings like this where we stumble and trip and get caught on the roots of fear and confusion are one of my great pains in my life. I'm sorry. 
As the day passed I thought of him and how relationships take work.
Sometimes the way you express love is not seen as expressions of love by the other person but simply actions. So the real work in a long relationship is finding the right language/expressions when you want to show love.
We joined family that night to carve pumpkins.
By the time The Barren arrived and I had already cleaned the guts out of his pumpkin,
as I know he is not fond of that.
I watched my niece and nephew jab, saw, and carve their pumpkins, focused on creating a master  piece of a lantern! 
I drew a silly simple design on mine.
My pumpkin carving has been lacking these last few years...
We all ate together and as the night grew, The Barren was handed our newest niece to hold.
I saw him hesitate for a moment and then relax into it, our niece put her head on his chest and I could see him relax and then feel the bittersweet radiate from him.
He handed the little lady to me and I sat her to face us.
 The Earl (my brother) watched on...making sure we were holding her OK.
There was a strange quiet that fell over the room, or maybe I stopping hearing anything...
Our other niece sat on my other side and I realized for a moment that I was holding a baby, sitting next to my hubby, and had another child on the other side of me. The Barren made faces and cooed, gentling touching her arms and fingers commenting on how soft her skin was.
Like he was discovering it for the first time.
She eventually went back to her parents and we eventually drove home.
At home he asked how it was to hold her, I told him I was fine with it. How was he?
He said it was weird but alright in a way.
He asked how my day was, alright aside from our rough start to it.
I told him I was feeling very open and raw;
I was carrying an anniversary with me that at times during the day felt heavy.
He realized what I was talking about and said he was sorry he didn't remember.
I didn't expect him to remember, me reminding him was all he needed,
all he could really bear at this time.
Our wedding anniversary is a couple days away, so we shifted our conversation to that.
How we wanted to make a grand romantic gesture for each other but were coming up empty.
It is feeling a little melancholy these days;  a lock down at work so no one can take days off this coming month, the pressure of the year ending
and the absolute NEED for some time away/tuning out.
This morning in class, in the dark, I spoke to my babies.
I told them I loved them and that I was sorry we never got to hug each other.
I know we both could use that about now.


Mali said...

This is a beautiful, honest, post. Sending hugs.

claire said...

I'm teary-eyed right now. I can't cry because I'm at work. I'm married too without kids, for six years it's been rough for me, and for my husband just lately. We're in our early thirties, still early to call it quits with our dream of parenthood. And now, I can see how life is going to be for us it it does not happen.

Annie Z said...

Thinking of you. Many hugs. Xxx

Amel said...

HUGE HUGSSSSS!!!! What a touching post...I'm sorry for your losses...your babies sure are loved...

So our wedding anniversaries are close to each other. Ours is Nov 3rd. :-)

Hope you had a peaceful wedding anniversary...and hope you'll get (if not already) the time away that you need!