Friday, November 30, 2012

Waiting for that shoe

" the doctor will see you now Barreness"

I have yet to return to work, The Barren wanted me to take the full time and wait until I saw my doctor before heading back into the pit of chaos known as work.
These last few days have been filled with me trying to do more and more so that I could gain momentum, and the shock of a full workday and commute would be lessened.
I sat on my arse all day yesterday posting to my shop and writing a newsletter to my collectors and art colleagues so I am still relevant.
I am mostly trying to not think about tomorrows doctors appointment.
I really have no idea what to expect or what to prepare for.
The Viscountess came over the day before yesterday and spent the day here, she was a brave cowgirl and sat as passenger as I took to the wheel for the first time in two weeks. I ran some errands and she kept me company. It was nice, it kept me light and I felt like I could spoil her a little by picking up lunch and we sat and chatted as we ate.
I had left the room when her cell phone rang and only returned to hear her say to the person on the other end:
" well, we had a thing with our daughter. Yes, we thought she had ovarian cancer, but thankfully that was not the case. but they were able to tell her why they couldn't conceive.
Yes I am with her now, I will call you later "
It was hard to hear those words; it was hard to hear her have to say them.

This morning I got out of bed, tried not to puke and then took a shower.
As I had yet to see the doctor I still had to follow orders of:
 "not letting the spray directly hit your incisions"
Shower time is like twister...lots of bending into shapes that are not normal.
I got dressed and was able to button my jeans and headed to the appointment arriving ten minutes ahead of time. I was placed into a room that took my breath away:

creepy and very prepared for splashes
I was told to undress from the waist down and wait for the doctor on that chair.
It was icky and I was left alone longer then I should have been.
My doctor arrived and I mentioned to her " this is quite a room"
she agreed...and then went to tell me about the results.
I have stage four Endometriosis, she said
"you pretty much have really horrible horrible endometriosis"
She went on to tell me how my tubes are suppose to be in front of my uterus but they are behind it and twisted and fused to other bits of scar tissue. She went over the pictures she took with me.
I thanked her for saving my ovary and she was gracious about that.
I asked if any pathology was done on the cyst and she said yes:
It all came back benign and no signs of cancer.
I was happy....
then she mentioned again my fertility, my mood went into " mask mode"
She told me that although there was soooo much scar tissue, there was really nothing she could do to improve my chances of conceiving. She was sorry about that, she then said " you kind of got a double whammy, with this level of endometriosis and the septum in the uterus..."
I told her I understood and thanked her.
She assured me that I was calling the shots, that unless another cyst formed (which is decreased now that I am on BCP) there is no need for further surgery. She mentioned that if pain returned she had a three stage plan to address it and the last step is chemical menopause, not hysterectomy.
In some ways I was glad to hear that.
I just need to stay on BCP until menopause...which I wonder how you would know that menopause had started if you are ...anyways...another topic for another day far off in the future.
She assured me that endometriosis was not hereditary and that if my niece complains of painful periods, push to get her on the pill to preserve her reproductive tract.
That will be an interesting day...she is only 8 now...but I will fight for her.
My button is starting to open, like a sick and twisted bud of a flower....
She looked at my incisions and agreed that I had a pool of surgical glue in my belly button and that I could pick at it if I wanted to...ick! and then said I was ok to go back to being me slowly.
When I asked if I could have sex, she asked me how many days since surgery? 14 today...yeah that should be fine if I felt like it.
I told her I was having the most amazing dreams...she laughed and said gotta love that little extra bit of estrogen....
I had a dream I was winning porn actress of the year and my parents were there, but I didn't want them to see me on stage so I kept coming out and telling them the updates of the awards show.
 it was STRANGE!
I left the appointment in a daze, shell shocked and not sure where to place all these feelings.
Grateful beyond words, for being cancer free...but devastated so deeply at the real gritty reality of my fertility. I wandered the mall alone for a couple hours just walking and window gazing. It seemed like an easy way to just walk it out, process bits...and not collapse into a puddle.
So much to process


Wolfers said...

Yes, so much to process.... I don't know what to say, but to let you know I'm there with you. I had gone through that last December, and I'm still..processing. There are good days and there's bad days. Soon it'd be the first anniversary for me, and...ah.. All I can say... I'm there with you in spirit.

*only if I could use the transporter from Star Trek to send you brownies with peanut butter I just took out of the oven with some hugs.

Nicole said...

sigh. oh those doctor appointments. you and i both know too well how difficult those are. those hard conversations, and ongoing medical issues and doctor visits. sigh.

You are strong and tough and I am so happy you are well and there was no cancer. But, there is still so much to process. Partly why I have been an absent blogger is due to the fact that passing my 3 yr anniversary since my hysterectomy hit me like a ton of bricks.

love to you!