Making white noise

So the very pregnant friend had her baby on Monday.

It was a boy, turns out the name they picked out was also the same name The Barren and I had selected for our wished one. It is not a common name so when I heard that was the name selected for a boy I did my best to hide my emotions and possession of the name,

When they announced that they would shorten the name to Gus I was relieved as that is not the love name we have used to shorten the given name...we had picked auggie.

Well, this morning she posted on social media that

 "Auggie was off to see the doctor for the first time since breathing air"

My heart sunk again and now I am struggling with hearing a name that I had held so deeply

and so silently in my heart for years.

How do you give away the name? 

Allow it to float away from your heart and the dreams that you had to say it to your own?

I have yet to visit...I am not sure I am ready yet.

They live just across the road so we can't use distance as a reason for not being there yet.

Until I am ready, more stable on m feet and in my heart.

I will make white noise and hold off

hold my heart

whisper my wishes

a musical interlude

I love this

it whispers to me somehow

I can still hear it over my 

everyday chaos

Today, tomorrow and many years ago

Today is the 11th of September

it is a big number here in the states.

It leaves me a little unsettled.

I was working at a company that distributed maps when the actual events unfolded 

and for the next year and a half my life was totally changed.

First we got calls from the military 

asking what we were selling and who could buy it.

Then we got calls from the news agencies from all over the world.

Then calls from military families often crying on the phone line asking, 

where these countries

 were that their loved ones were going to.

There were times when we had to call the FBI 

as some calls were requesting very specific kinds of details on maps.

Those were hard and scary.

I know it was best that I walked away from that job when I did.

I was scattered and emotionally spent.

Then in 2006, on this same day
before sunrise, 

and with heavy labored inhales I watched the final breath

 of my beloved grandmother.

She was in her bed, surrounded by family, completely on her own terms.

I had visited and spoken to her two days before.

We just told each other over and over that we loved each other.

It is a beautiful memory above the heartbreak.

This morning, before the sun rose

I got up and shimmed myself into my yoga clothes.

I drove into town for class and watched the sun rise as I 

took deep purposeful breaths with her in my heart.

She died from her lungs filling up...so every time I think of her last moments 

I try and send full complete breathe to her.

I always imagine that would have been the most compassionate thing to give.

A deep breath.

Tomorrow is my nephews birthday, he was born a year later

Life goes on

and on

Being a grown up

So with this crazy lull in my work at the second job and my sluggish progress with my art...I am left with distractions on EVERYTHING else in life.

I had set up an IRA when I left my last traditional job and thought that over time it would work like a saving account and grow a little money over time, like dust but in dollars. 

With distractions running amuck, 

I figured I'd spend some time trying to dust it off and get it gathering more funds.

I went to set it up and then discovered that I hadn't logged in since I set it up almost 7 years ago...

so I got to speak with people on the phone that sound like they just got out of high school.

When the guy on the phone asked what my goal was, I explained that I wanted to add a little money to "water the account" and 

by the way what is the minimum monthly investment for auto-deposit?

He told me and I told him that I was pretty sure that was doable.

He asked what other investments I had.

I (didn't laugh out loud) but instead said this is the whole enchilada.

I am a working artist, so this is what I have been able to squirrel away.

I could hear his voice change as he understood he was not talking to someone who had money but instead someone who had a LONG way before calling this a retirement account.

He was kind and mellow and is sending me a dictionary worth of information to read.

I can't stand being a grown up sometimes!

Other times there are benefits like eating whatever you want 

and staying up way past your normal hour

 or 

drinking

I wonder if things would have been different if  there was a kid in our lives?

I doubt it.

It takes us forever to make choices, 

our friends often giggle at us because of it.

Here are some examples:

We have still not painted any of our walls since this place was built in 2003.

The Barren wants to paint a sunrise to sunset on the ceiling from one side of the house to the other...
I don't. 

We had paint chips taped to the walls for 6 months...but never revisited the idea of color.

We are all about resuscitating things, when we have bought new things they end up not working well for us, so I think we are gun shy at jumping in with both feet.

We got a new mattress two years ago and about 7 months in, it developed a ridge right below the pillow line, like it exploded under the surface...sigh.

It still works as a place to crash, but we feel like we made a bad choice.

We need a new screen door, our beloved kitty bent the frame when he crashed into going after a little bird on the patio. We have nursed it to realign the wheels and pop it back onto the track over and over and over again.

We need a new dishwasher, so last November we pulled it cleaned it, replaced all the hoses and put it back to use....it still works but it needs to be updated for sure. when it runs it is so loud you have to leave the room to have a conversation because it is so loud.

This grown up thing is overrated.

Do you ever feel like, Fuck it I just don't want to deal with this and it won't kill me or anyone else if I just don't deal with it today or for a while...?

I feel like that today.

I am cooked with this grown up thing.