Monday, December 14, 2015

Time passes

As time passes I am finding myself identifying less and less as an infertile woman 
and simply a woman without children. 
Maybe those words place less blame, or guilt. 
Maybe that is simply growing.

I have even considered unsubscribing from some websites and blogs that are in the middle of their discovery. Not because I do not want to offer support but simply because it is energy I have spent and can not afford to spend any longer.
I guess this time passing, has distanced me from the central heart of the pain.
The pain is no longer raw
The pain only appears in small short moments.
I am no longer consumed by the monster
The Barreness seems to have stopped poking me
at least that is how it feels right now.

I had a successful exhibition, in fact I sold one of my pieces before the show opened 
and the other on opening night!

I felt like I was floating on a lily-pad, afraid to move to quickly 
and fall into the cold murky pond.
But it was real, I really did it.
A fellow art friend told me I was no longer allowed to feel surprised by my art sales.
I had sold work every year from that show and it was time to get over it.
I smiled
 and then told The Barren, over sake shots after the event, that I liked 
life surprises, and that not feeling a bit of shock and disbelief seemed unnatural for me.
I deserve this success, and I deserve to feel proud
but I also can enjoy the surprise and glee associated with a sale.

We have been running non stop for most of this month already,
social commitments and events.
Now we are done, and just have the holidays to figure out.

We went to our last social commitment last night and it was hosted by a painter friend who has a big show opening in New York on Tuesday. She filled her home with friends and family for an annual get together. Since last years event, she has had a baby and so have many of her friends. In fact at one point, the house was filled with little kids and toddlers screaming, running and slamming doors while two very patient boston terriers watched and avoided them. I sat on the couch with three friends across from The Barren who was chatting with the spouses of the the friends and found myself unconcerned about the chaos.
In fact, totally unfazed.
I didn't need to find my kid, or ask the kids to stop....
not my monkeys, not my circus

As we were gathering up to leave I looked down to put on my coat 
and saw a little green chair, with a pair of little shoes in it.
it was sublime and sweet and 
The Barren and I both just exhaled and moved on to saying our goodbyes

It is moments like that, that I realize that time has passed.
The moments of a magical childhood for our never to be child have begun to age.
We are learning to live life again, be who are suppose to be after all that we have been 
and all that we can still be.


Amel said...

CONGRATULATIONS on the first sale! May there be many more sales to come! :-) I agree fully on enjoying the surprise and glee associated with a sale. Understand what you mean about finding yourself identifying less and less as an infertile woman. I was (still am) smiling when reading this lovely it is to learn to live again. :-)

Mali said...

I really love this. It makes me happy!

I have always had trouble identifying as infertile, simply because I hated saying the word! These days, I have much less trouble with it, but like you, identify really as a woman without children. I feel I have much in common for example with women who never wanted children. More so perhaps than those who were infertile, and then became parents.

Your last sentence is fabulous!

nicole said...

I am with you on the identifying as infertile less and less. I don't know if I ever strongly identified with it. I kind of felt like because I didn't try to get pregnant, that I don't "deserve" that title. Which is silly I know. But, as more time passes, I think about it a lot less. IT seems like less and less I need to identify with that. I too have stopped reading some blogs where the writers are earlier in their journeys. I think it's partly because I am working to move forward and I don't want to be dragged back.

Very thoughtful and lovely post!