Friday, October 23, 2015

Working on the railroad

I have been working on me
Trying to figure out what makes me tick: what makes me mad
and what makes me happy?!
you know, nothing deep or anything.

I have found myself looking through old photographs and re-remembering what I was thinking,
how I was feeling in a way trying to gauge if I have grown at all?

I am looking at little parts of my life.
Mental health, how I deal with situations, or not deal with situations.
Am I sleeping better or worse
Am I thinking better or worse.
What I have figured out so far
is that I've gone to over 330 classes 
this is the most devoted/dedicated/addicted I have been about any extra curricular activity in my WHOLE life. On the flip side,
I am learning to be OK with taking a day off here and there:
sometimes that 4am alarm is just too much
 I find that when I go back after a day or two off, I have a renewed sense of desire, drive or insight into why I go. I say good morning to several people now and when class is over I am thankful that I have spent the energy in class and for myself.

I am happy to announce that two publication have contacted me and will be publishing a piece of art in each of their publications. I wish it meant that I got a check to at least reimburse me for the monies put out, but the hard reality is that it doesn't. I will get a "by" line and a little snippet about who I am published in the books/zines and then it will be out in the universe for all the internet eternity.
My big hope is that it will vibrate back in a bigger better way for us.
I am pinning some hopes on that.

Onto baby things:

My friend with the new baby texted to say that she hadn't seen me in a while and asked if I wanted to come over. The Barren and I stopped by for a quick moment on the way to get some grub. I brought over some cat costumes as options for her kid to wear this Halloween. When we walked in she gave me a hug asked how I was and then said "do you want to hold him?" I looked at the perfectly content baby who was looking at himself in the mirror next to his crib and said " he looks so engaged, and so content. Not right now" I think the fact that I have yet to hold her baby is freaking her out. Some parts of me want to be the peacemaker and just hold him to get it over with, while a majority of me doesn't feel compelled to pick him up, so why force myself.
I think this will be a struggle for a little bit longer.
for both of us

Meanwhile, another woman from class asked if I wanted to go to tea after class to learn a little more about each other.
She had come into class last week and crouched down beside me before the session started and declared that women with children are crazy, and aren't we glad we didn't have any!
I listened to what she was saying and then told her that 
I was actually childless by circumstance not by choice. 
We had actually tried to create a family for 8years, 
but now I am working on my "do-over" portion of life.
She was quiet and unsure what to do, so we just did yoga after that.
At tea the following week, it was a strange conversation about how she was financially secure and successful, able to live where ever she wants because she made sacrifices and tough choices when she was younger. She is not sentimental about things and will be traveling for the next couple of months until just before Christmas and then she'll be around for another few months.
I should join her for coffee again.
It was strange, but I am glad I went for some reason.

I guess I am growing and changing.
I am often afraid for stagnation, but after thinking this all out here
it looks like a am really growing
but not growing up thank goodness:
yes, cosmic kitty yoga pants
I am that girl
I am that mature

1 comment:

Mali said...

Congratulations on all those classes! I cannot imagine getting out of bed at 4 am to exercise and begin your day. So I love the "Namastay in bed!"

Congratulations on getting your pieces in TWO publications! Yes, it's a pity there isn't any payment associated with it, but it still is a mark of respect and regard that your piece is included. Awesome you!

I do find it odd that parents want other people to hold their babies. I mean, I understand if they are out and need to physically do something so hand their baby to someone else. But it just seems weird to me that they would try to push the baby onto someone who hasn't asked to hold the child. Perhaps because I was never someone who wanted to hold babies - well, not until I realised I wanted to hold my own. I'm glad you are doing what feels right for you.

I do think that women without children - however we get to that - still have a lot in common, even if one of us wanted children and one didn't. Glad you had coffee and may connect.

Love those yoga pants!