Thursday, October 01, 2015

Slowly churning


OK so we visited the baby and his mama is calling him by the nickname I had dreaded....I have found myself calling him baby, or his full given name. She is being very empathetic when we are there. Making sure it is only us and not a crowd or others that would be oohing and aaaahing.
She told me to tell her when I was ready to hold him, and that she won't ask again if I want to hold him. I thought that was incredibly kind.
So that helps.
In many ways I am thankful to not have to be there emotionally (new mother) at this point in my life. I am less raw, but still tender...if that makes sense.

I have been focusing on the upcoming gallery season and making as much art as I can muster.
I have even requested a day off so that I can just do my work for another day; not having to switch my brain from one job to another. Even skipping yoga in the morning to make it a full run.

 It took over two years, but I now know the names of several people that I have been in class with, as I introduced myself and they in turn have done the same.
We are far from friends, but friendly and it is so much nicer to say someones name when you say good morning. At least I like to say it that way, it acknowledges that I see them and that for at least that moment in the day you are not invisible.

One of the ladies is a mother of two, and when I first met her declared that she loved her kids but they drove her insane sometimes....I laughed and assured her that I held no judgement of her, in fact I respected her honesty.
She friended me on social media and mentioned recently that her husband brought home pet rats when he was out picking up the kids from soccer practice. I chimed in that pet rats were great pets for kids and that she might find them to be adorable after a little time.
She responded that when I choose to have kids she'd get me a couple for a baby shower gift.

I was taken aback and sort of rattled by her response....I know she was being funny...but it is frustrating and pathetic that after all these years I have to conscientiously, remember to have a sense of humor about things sometimes. How sad is that.
After all this time a wounded person shows up first and then I have to remind them that we are not wanting the pain anymore, so put on a party hat and remember to smile.
lifelong remnants of infertility

I am also finding myself looking at my body in the mirror with less anger...and more acceptance
I wonder what will happen when I enter menopause, how will it change
I wonder if it is stronger than before, even when I feel stronger I wonder if I really am.

I am more thankful for the way my body moves now and in fact so thankful that I just bought myself a pair of shoes that are good for my feet! I usually get the cheap pairs in BOGO sales and half of them eat holes into my ankles and others just leave me with throbbing heels after the day is over. 
My knee has been bothering me and aside from sleeping with a leg brace, and being VERY aware of how I move it I started thinking maybe my years of cheap shoes are catching I got a pair of Earth shoes and will use them instead of my go to flip flops and knockoff Toms
What a grown up idea....

I have a lot of hopes pinned on this seasons' gallery time, in fact I am doing the crawl tonight and wearing a dress and putting my mind in the right place for talking and smoozing.
The Barren has work commitments, so I am going it alone.
I have been submitting still, and waiting while trying to not think about waiting for results.
I have been trying to let my brain stretch, and wander...
explore new processes and concepts.
I have been trying to remind myself that this is it...there are no do-overs with is here and now and I need to make the most of them.
I feel like I am still holding myself back and I wonder why I am not allowing my self to walk to cliffs edge or jump higher or stay longer or dive deeper....

Do you find yourself holding yourself back, unconsciously?
I wonder if it is left over from years of IF or simply who I am?
Everyday I am trying to crack the code...and make sense of this all


Amel said...

Phew! I'm so glad to hear that the visit went well and she was being sensitive. I hear you on the body part. I realize that my body has changed shape compared to when I first moved here almost 9 years ago and I do wonder how it will look like ten years from now. Sorry to hear about your knee pain, though. Hope the new shoes help!

I actually do think that holding yourself back is somewhat related to infertility (refer to my latest post about making an excuse for myself). It may be the residue for having tried everything we had to create a baby (something that comes natural to many others), yet we end up with nothing.

Mali said...

What an interesting progression of thoughts in your post. I think I hold back too - partly because it is who I am, but also I think I'm protecting myself from the negative emotions, because I feel that infertility and loss exposed me to enough of them for a lifetime. Of course, protecting myself from negative emotions hasn't done anything for my body either ... sigh.

So now you're motivating me to go and work on what I want to work on, and forget those negative emotions. Thanks for inspiring me.