Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Three Glasses...and some salad

**gloomy post***

I'll own it
I stayed at home all day for mother's day
Hiding, avoiding, and not feeding into the day.
I didn't get any calls, or cards or mementos 
I am not a mother after all

I did send cards to a few friends/family members wishing them a happy Mothering day.
It was easier to send the cards this year than it has been in the past.
I got them weeks ahead of time and so it was simply adding a few words of love and a stamp
My mother was home sick, so I didn't have the pressure of visiting her either.

Since then, I have been working slowly on my own work
doing practice as often as I can
fighting off colds/bugs by doing practice and sleeping.

I haven't been thinking about much really these days and I think that is an issue.
I am in a slump
I am fighting comparing myself to others
fighting self worth issues 
and body issues
I bowed out of a few social events recently, just saying I wasn't able to make them
and not going to them seemed easier than trying to pretend to be present.

This last weekend was a social one that I couldn't bow out of.
Starting with a girls dinner at a neighbors place.
I was anxious about going but I put on some mascara and went and played the mantra, 
have fun, relax over and over in my head.
I was relaxed and having fun, until the second group of ladies showed up 
and I realized that there was another full uterus, the hostess being the other.
Then another woman came in glowing and throwing her hand into everyone's face 
saying, hug me I just got engaged.
I looked at a friend and said, I think I'll take that glass of wine now.
She smiled and in my mind the place suddenly filled with pregnant women.
In reality there were two out of 10
As intoxication was reached, I participated in a dress swap and was able to get a lovely 70's disco queen dress that I had admired from a friend and she in exchange was gonna get a dress that was washed and now too short for my taste.
 Then a slow walk home, 
texting The Barren that I was drunk and walking home.
On arrival I fell onto the couch and The Barren arrived soon after, smiling and happy that I was drunk and in an OK mood.

Sunday was another social event, and I was super anxious.
I adore the women from this group but I always have this feeling that I am the fat girl
I get a once over (full body up and down glance) before the hug hello
it sucks!
I am meant to feel like I need to be doing more, making more, exhibiting more, being more aggressive or MORE....
I was the driver for this event, and so I only had a single glass of wine and salad
Socializing was mellow and free flowing but I became self conscience many times over when people asked about what I ate and didn't eat.
I remember saying at one point, I have a strange and treacherous relationship with food now.
I think I said it enough under my breath to avoid additional questions.

It is true though.
I try and enjoy what I eat, constantly making efforts to only eat and make healthy choices but recently most food has some measurement on a self imposed guilt scale. 
I fantasize about eating a chocolate croissant and a cup of black tea with sugar...or a poached egg in a bowl of noodle soup.

Ugh this all just sucks....
I need to find a way to escape this latest encampment in this place....
it isn't black and doom and gloomy
but thick enough to make me stop in my tracks.


LaLa said...

I am so sorry you are feeling so unsure of yourself and lost right now. My thoughts are with you, and hope you find your way back to a better place soon.

Amel said...


Self-care, lots and lots of TLC for yourself. Music, art, inspirational quotes, things that bring you joy. You don't have to do more or be more. You are enough right now. At this very moment. Warts and all.