Dinner out

Had dinner out at an old friends home, and actively spent the night trying to not mention children the whole time.

It was much easier then I thought it would be.

Currently enjoying the after effects of fondue and wine and bread

In this months mail...

I was cleaning up around the place and found a pile of letters that I had put aside to shred as junk mail.

On a fluke I opened up a letter from my senator for my district...it was close to election time so I assumed it was a political letter urging me to vote or something.

Turns out it was a personal letter written from the senator,

telling me how he read the article published in my local paper about my show:

 "thank you for sharing your art and your tragic story with the community. Your strength in difficult times serves as an inspiration to us all. My heart goes out to you and your husband for your trials"

I am surprised and a bit floored that he or someone in his office took the time to write me a letter.

as La Belette said today:

#8. I want to be totally okay with what is and surprised by how marvelous the future will be.

Family photos

I was looking thru some pictures from our four day summer vaca this year and started to wonder...who will look at our vacation pictures when we are old?

What is the purpose of putting the images into albums and labeling where we are and what we did?

I know that a lot of it is for myself and hubby to reflect on but what happens after us? Do they simply get thrown into the trash or given to a thrift store?

Does that mean all memory of us disappears too?

Wordless Wednesday

Ripples

Sometimes you are just walking against the flow, wearing the wrong color,

wake up on the wrong side of the bed, eat the wrong things, show up at the wrong time.

Today was that day.

Tomorrow will be better

Mother Nature

I still have my period...

I sometimes watch the color leave my face, or the wonder just how much blood I am really loosing.

Mostly I just float, and wonder

birthday

Today was my nephews 3rd birthday party.

About three years ago I was weeping

today I was laughing.

Although he is not my son, he is my nephew and is bringing me joy. 

Mixed

Although I knew the answer it never sits well.

I was alone when I took the test. It sat quietly within me.

On this same weekend, I am making the birthday cake for my Nephew.

I asked my brother and sister-in-law if I could, I asked if I could make all their cakes.

I need to express myself, my loss; in making something sweet for the little people in my life.

I would never be able to have that experience otherwise, and lucky for me, it was welcomed and appreciated.

My home smells of sugar and I have a mountain of cupcakes waiting to be frosted.

Tomorrow, thru my pain pill (as my period arrived late today) I will watch my nephew, I will see people parenting and hear children laugh and play.

Then crawl home, and tuck myself into bed...trying to make the memory of those sounds my lullaby;

not a haunting symphony of mockery and taunts

Quiet

Hubby just called to say  that he will not be home until late.

He is meeting with friends and relaxing his Friday night away.

In some ways it hurts my feelings...I work all day so that by Friday night we can hang out together

...in other ways I realize it is really important that he has his space and time.

I am home, in the quiet of the house.

My period is late again, and I have a pee stick sitting on the counter waiting for me to address it.

I know I am not pregnant, I just need to see the negative sign so I don't torture myself all weekend waiting for my cycle to kick into gear.

I have eaten too much chocolate today in hopes it would kick my ovary and the cycle will start

....no luck so far.

The road is laid ahead of me and I simply need to take that first step to start the daydream of "what if..."

I choose to stand still and check my compass first.

tired

I have some serious baking to do this coming weekend.

I am gonna work on not pulling it into my heart too deeply.

More to come

Wordless Wednesday



Hindsight

I survived the eye exam today, but left feeling broken and waited to cry until I got back to the car.

I have come to understand that I will not find a doctor, that wants to be a healer.

I went to the EYE doctor for goodness sake and the constant teasing of my poor eyesight, the jokes about how I needed a German Shepard and that I have old eyes were just too much to bear by the end.

I ordered my new prescription and left with eyes the size of saucers.

I am sure that if I haven't had years of doctors telling me all the things that are wrong with my body, it might not have been such a big deal but I think it simply just reconfirms that I do not like doctors anymore.

I simply need to interact with them in order to keep myself healthy, despite them.

Toddle

Toddle: to walk with short toddering steps in the manner of a young child.

I took myself to a party supply store the other day in preparation for decorating my nephews birthday cake.

I asked shortly before his first birthday for the "contract" to make his birthday cake.

It was a massive accomplishment to get to that point, and I wanted to celebrate his first time around the sun.

When he was born we had been trying to get pregnant for a while and I tried to comfort myself with the idea that the little boy I had dreamed of was simply delivered to the family; but a different set of arms and home.
It worked for a little bit....but since has been another silent symbol of what has not come true for us.

Meanwhile, back at this party store......
I was mindlessly wandering thru aisles of colorful decorations, frosting tips and plastic platters. A woman and her two young-ish daugthers came in and asked for the "christening stuff" I heard her and her daughters find the items they were looking for and then start commenting about the baby shower items...all while I was deciding which color yellow was the "yewlow" my nephew wanted for his cake.
I made a mental note to myself to not go down the next aisle as it had the baby stuff on it and it didn't have anything I needed on it.
The lady and her daugthers proceeded to shop and where getting balloons filled when I began to see what other gems this shop had. I was daydreaming about parties and fun gatherings all while looking at these fun light decorations. I got some cellophane bags for the goodies and then I saw the Fiesta stuff...being a big Dia De Los Muertos fan I always take a look at what else is out there what could work on next years altar. Crepe paper flowers, I use to know how to make those as a kid....
turn around to see the other side of the aisle and ....BAM
Smack dab in front of me...cowboy stuff
I was so blown off guard...I was so prepared to not go down the baby shower aisle.
All those stick ponies and chaps and wanted posters...and straw hats and and and
I was totally spun , I felt the tears welling up in my eyes, I started to breathe really hard...I was actually looking for a place to hide!
I somehow, found the strength to turn around and stand in the corner of the store.
I got my head together and went to check out.

I was drunk, I was spun, I was so shaken, I was toddling...

Lily

My heart goes out today...

I read this morning that Lily Allen has had another miscarriage

and is currently in the hospital with a blood-poisoning condition, septicaemia.

I know she is a music personality, and that this is news that is being reported in the tabloids...

but she is still a woman trying to become a mother and facing devastating losses along her trip.

I am saying a little mediation for her and her sweetie.

Loss is loss, no matter who you are.

Long Long Long

It's been a long long long time,

How could I ever have lost you

When I loved you.

It took a long long long time

Now I'm so happy I found you

How I love you

So many tears I was searching,

So many tears I was wasting, oh. Oh--

Now I can see you, be you

How can I ever misplace you

How I want you

Oh I love you

You know that I need you.

Ooh I love you.

Beatles Song, White Album, Lyrics George Harrison

lovely

A lovely pair of glasses of wine and an evening with my hubby has taken my words away.

Have a wonderful Friday night.

I am having a great time.

Daydream

Mother and Daughter, Kathmandu Nepal

This morning while having a birthday breakfast for me brother, I got lost.

I slowly floated into a seduction.

I watched while my sister-in-law created a hairstyle out of my nieces tangled locks.

The slow brushing, the quiet contemplation of playing with the rubber bands.

The smell of her freshly cleaned hair and the warmth of the color.

My mother caught me, she wrapped her arm around me and gave me a kiss.

I was awoken into reality and my own messy locks.

wordless wednesday

Illustrated guide to parental obligations -- Utagawa Yoshitora, 1880



The University of California, San Francisco (UCSF) maintains a collection of 400 health-themed woodblock prints from 19th-century Japan. The collection -- which includes drug advertisements, illustrated instructions for treating and preventing contagious diseases, and visual guides to the human body -- offers a unique look at Japanese medical knowledge in the late Edo and early Meiji periods

thanks to:
http://pinktentacle.com/2010/09/medical-woodblock-prints-from-19th-century-japan/

Cinderella

Cinderella, dressed in yellow

went upstairs to kiss a 'fella

made a mistake

and kissed a snake

how many doctors

did it take?

1 year later

1 year ago, while celebrating our 7th year wedding anniversary I had a miscarriage.

We spent the weekend, quiet and reflective and wounded.

When October 30th came around this year, I woke up and cried and apologized to my hubby.

I cooked food all day and then I filled my home with friends and family,

and quietly imagined what would have been.

Our Dia De Los Muertos altar is built and filled with family and a little reminder of our sweet little someone.