Tiggered

So I am on "summer vacation" which looks like

 a week of not commuting and me trying REALLY HARD 

to focus on all the art things that have fallen to the wayside.

Updating websites and social media and professional sites.

I am also looking for new opportunities and waiting on word from other 

submitted competitions.

I am going to class as often as I can and trying to balance it with having "fun"

I am alone for this week, meaning The Barren has next week off for what we loving call

"music camp"- which is an event that happens annually for him. Where he takes a week off to just play music both intimately with a friend and perform open mic nights.

During that week, I rarely see him and so it is like having a roommate who leaves dirty socks and dishes behind but never seems to be here.

This year, he is taking a second week, so that should be stranger.

When I told him that I had this week off, he said he'd support me by making sure to bring home or make food so I didn't have to think about it.

but...

work got super stressful for him and I am doing what I normally do

laundry

dishes

cleaning the cat box

paying bills

making my own meals and trying to work in the studio

**sigh**

last night we had a blow out because, he came home asking what I wanted for dinner and I told him after a day of reading submission requirements and making a newsletter my brain was blown...

this lead to an argument where neither of us wanted to Adult and make choices for food and so he made himself dinner and left to practice music

I made myself dinner and watched a movie alone and cried.

My yoga classes are good and I feel stronger...

but the owner of the studio is suffering from infertility and is being very open about it on social media and I think I am being a little triggered by it.

ok, maybe a lot triggered.

I feel so deeply for the struggle and the path that she is taking...

first surgery for endo and now they have several failed IUI cycles and declared today that next month they start IVF.

I wished her the best and am trying to not focus on it and just do my practice.

I have also found myself choosing to not attend her classes as I would only think about her struggle instead of my own journey.

**sigh**

I go my period a couple of weekends ago...

52days late.

I had two train crash days where I was bleeding hard and heavy 

and then it was gone again.

I am thankful and now know what it might be like next time.

strange indeed

The day before my period I fainted before yoga class...

I got up before class started to pee, which I do a lot more than I'd like...but normal stuff

and I got light headed, also normal...you know how your vision is dimmed because your blood pressure is trying to regulate...well it just came at my wave after wave and the world started to tilt and I was thinking " what the hell is happening?!" and then I was awake. 

I have NEVER done that and I fell into the yoga mat storage

I came to fast and because that has never happened to me before 

I just went back into class and did class.

No one saw me faint, and aside from some gnarly bruises it has not happened again.

Although, I am taking precautions when getting up from the floor and in transitions.

So that is my summer so far....

oh and I delivered a HUGE project for a new hotel...

that had been in the making for over a year.

and it will knock down a lot of my credit card debt...

having an inconsistent income has some downfalls.

I can't imagine doing anything else...but it will be nice to have less personal debt

and maybe be able to start putting some money into my IRA again...

even if it is just $20 a month.

I think I'm gonna gather coins from the laundry and maybe buy myself an ice cream

it is summer after all!