Wednesday, October 08, 2014

Red is the color of power

OK, so this is the shade I finally decided on.
I wore it the night of the opening and felt confident, and sure of myself.
I was comfortable in my own skin and was able to speak about my work easily and freely.

I recommend this experiment to anyone who is shaky in their shoes.
I got my lipstick for .99 cents at the local drug store...low investment, high yield.

Beside my feet being beyond tired and sore the following day I was projected into a numb space.
I think I had put out soooo much the weeks prior, that after the spotlight turned off I went numb. I turned off the smile and drove home. We ordered Indian take-out and I sat on the couch and watched The secret life of Walter made me cry remembering how much I loved film photography.
This coupled with the amazing documentary I saw about Dorothea Lange not long ago; 
I was reminded of my roots and original goals for my life.

I am having what The Barren refers to as an existential crisis; I am feeling at a life crossroads.
Being an artist with a second job has me constantly juggling my mind from off ,to on, to off , to pause.

I met with a couple fellow artists yesterday, we are collaborating as a group to try and secure a location to manifest our personal visions and goals for our careers.
It has hit quite a road-bump, but when meeting yesterday, we asked of each other what is the "big dream"
What is the image we can hold on to?!
I went quiet in my mind.
I had lost sight of my long term goal...hence my existential crisis.
I have been working on making but forgetting what for...I got short sighted.
My response was to say that I would like to only have one job...
(the reality is still quite hard to swallow, but I want to put it out there)
A little voice in my head said, you don't deserve this....that is why you can't see it.

After our meeting, I drove home in silence, and then my brain got so loud and overwhelmed with thoughts that I collapsed and took a nap for 20 minutes.
On waking up I was shaking, I needed to find my goal again, 
I needed to remember what I was working for or towards.
I needed to know why I was hearing a voice tell me that I didn't deserve success?!
What allowed that voice to enter me, sabotage me and make me question all that I am?
I was at a loss and wasn't sure when that naysayer became part of my internal conversation.

Like many things in my life, when I get scared I say what is scaring me out loud. 
I learned this when I was preparing for surgery. 
Buddhists laugh in face of fear, as it reduces the power of the fear.
I call it out. I say it out loud....
If I say it enough it becomes mine again.
I deserve success, 
I make art that is loved by people other than my family and friends.
I am good enough for this

I am declaring it like I did with the lipstick.
Fear ME little voice, I will silence you!


Mali said...

You do deserve this! You ARE good enough for this. And I'm so glad you spoke it out loud, you articulated your dream.

It is so easy for us to get tied up in the day to day. In fact, at the moment I am in this exact situation. So you have helped me too. Inspired me at exactly the right time. Thank you.

Amel said...

LOVE LOVE LOVE your practice in the face of fear. Thanks for the inspiration. I'll remember this next time.

nicole said...

The read looks amazing!!! You have inspired me to go get some.

Congrats on a great show! You deserve all of the success! It is there for you and it seems like you are already enjoying it. Keep embracing the fears and saying them out loud!


nicole said...

Grr. that was supposed to be RED. Stupid autocorrect!