Finding my way

I don't know exactly when it happened or how...but something has shifted in a new and better way.

Do you ever have those moments when you realize that after much effort and not much thought about how long you have been at it...it shifts.

 

I have recently realized this;  my eyes are clearing, my heart is lifting...my sadness is abating.

I don't know what I did, so I am hesitate to turn too quickly or jump up and down for joy.

I have been tested too, there is no doubt about that.

We had our 10 year old niece this last weekend and had fun for the most part, but there was a lot of negotiating. Like getting into the shower after the pool (first world problem I know), or begging her to finally go to sleep in the dark at midnight (after I had been up since 4:30am for yoga that same day), and then the final straw...me physically lifting her into the car to go home
and her crying over half way back.

I mostly thought, fuck, I am too old for this shit....

 

As she whimpered from the back seat folded over her pillow, I used phrases like:

" I hear what you are saying, I know you are disappointed, but we made a promise to be home at a certain time and we have to stick by it"

"I am sorry you are so frustrated, I understand you and know how you feel"
" It is breaking my heart that this is how our fun time is ending"

 

I then tried to regain normalcy, I knew she wouldn't talk to me, but she was listening, so I sang along with this song...and told her how it was my favorite one right now: 

 

 

 

as she heard my voice join the music she picked her head off the pillow,
and looked at me in a new way. I kept singing over and over
I love you
   I love you....
 

By the time we got home she was talking to me again, telling me how she was watching youtube videos about how to make "cat eyes" and I told her I would try to do them and

then send her a picture of my trials.

I have a 10year old niece, who I struggled to understand and keep up with all weekend long. The Barren and I both crumbled to dust when her crocodile tears appeared and we both realized that we are not at a point in our lives anymore where we could parent and play....

we can only do one or the other.

Is that wrong to admit ?

 

This was followed by me making a belly cast of my SIL who is due in just a couple weeks.

This whole pregnancy I have not asked to feel her tummy, I don't feel a need to anymore.

It is beautiful and she is careful to not complain about her pregnancy around me....I think that is really kind. As I was building the layers of plaster around, further and further away from her skin, I found that I started to admire the form, the round fullness and wondered why not mine...

it lasted for only a moment and then washed away, I felt light again...

I think I am really making a new neuro-pathway.

It is a delicate structure still, I understand that, but I am actually building it

and it feels quite empowering.

 

When I returned from the emotional roller coaster, The Barren and I went out for a glass of wine and cheese. We just dropped everything and did it...as we were slowly getting loopy we flirted with the idea of a late movie or a night time wander...for us the whole night was still ahead