Friday, October 26, 2018


I am not dealing with what is being dealt my way these days.
My skin for it seems very thin, or nonexistent.

 * cat has possible entropin (inward turning eyelids and it requires surgery)
he is 15 years old, and drools from stress just going to the vet.
*I am trying to deal with the newly revived PTSD from MY last vet experiences:
1. the pet food poisoning that had melamine in the food we almost lost both cats
2.  emergency surgery from ingesting a metal nut
that got stuck in his intestine and needed to be removed.
3. Same cat, showed signs of the nut experience experience again back last summer
and I was a train wreck- it was am irritated stomach.
Now, his eye has swollen and it appears that he has entropion 

*My breast ultrasound, which my insurance would not cover so I paid $150 to have the required test done showed a small cyst (the doctor said it appears to be benign)
* I am still spotting on and off since the miscarriage in August, I have been told this is normal, even though, it is still unsettling.
* my current work schedule has me upside down and not really allowing for regular studio time, so most of the free time is spent catching up on home chores (which sucks)
* I have several shows I am trying to prepare for on this limited time and now the cat, has me like a full on, should be committed basket case...I feel like I am coming apart at the seams.

Since writing this the cat has had his surgery-
waiting for the vet to call and say he survived was so stressful that my face went numb!
I didn't eat for two days

He is home now and on day two of recovery, and it appears that he is truly on the mend.
I did not sleep the first night he came home, but got some last night and he is increasing his mobility and has no signs of problems....
but the recheck is tomorrow and then another on Monday.
Until then my job is to guard his corneas and be a full time nurse and body guard.
The Barren can not take time off and I really can't either but,
 I was designated as the caregiver and so I am doing that.
I have not gone to yoga, or even left hte house as he can not be unattended. The week prior was so stressful as I was grappling with feelings and doubts and fears while giving a small puma a constant feed of eye-drops, I missed a lot of yoga then too, and instead slept my sorrow.

I am beyond thankful that this cat is as tenacious as he is and dead set to be my guy for some more time...and now that he can see, the sky is really the limit.
At the drop off, I mentioned to The Barren that all his hospital experiences have been successful and good. It was me that has been so traumatized and so at that epiphany I chose to not doom my cat....imagine the worst case scenarios or envision something wrong.
It was a REALLY long wait for an update call, but it came and we took him home soon afterwards!
He has been waking from his naps head butting me and purring and eating.
I am overwhelmed with the grace this cat possesses.

Friday, October 05, 2018

Mouth guard

shirt credit

With the combination of the election and the fire and mudslide
I was fitted with a mouth guard that I wear at night
because I am grinding my teeth at night.
So badly, I chipped a tooth.
I have been wearing it every night, but have made a point 
as of late, to wear it even more 

I am furious, I can feel it in every bone and oozing from every pore.
I have never been so ashamed to be an american.
The amount of sexism, racism, xenophobia, and blatant hate is inexcusable!
The government in place is a total embarrassment.
The old white men have had too much power and all this bullshit
has carried over into what might be a liar elected into the SCOTUS.
I watched Dr. Ford give her testimony, and I watched Brett cry and scream his.
I watched too much....
I have since turned off the news 100%

I vote and thankfully am in a state where my representatives feel the same way I do about 
Brett and women'r rights, health and immigration and take the time to answer the phones when I call in and thank them for supporting or voting against things that are brought up. 
I have had emails answered and these women do not run away from their constituents
they listen and respond.
Like responsible representatives.

That being said
after watching Dr.Ford, I experienced for the first time a true whole body trigger.
I remembered my assaults with great details.

I told The Barren for the first time, in our 26 years together, 
about the first one when I was about 8 years old.
Only my parents and my therapist(who was treating my grief from infertility) know about it, 
and they never mention it.
My father told me( at 8 years old) after hearing and seeing who did it that 
" I had an active imagination, and that this never happened"
So I buried it deep
Angry and confused as to why he chose to not believe me

I also told The Barren about another one that happened 
when I was a teenager, that no one knew about...
except me and the people involved.

He was deeply shook, and super supportive about being brave enough to tell him.
He knows about my sexual harassment incidents
 from workplaces that have happened since...

Dr.Ford made me remember
She made me strong enough to share my story 
she reminded me that these situations are not me, I am stronger and bigger than them.
They are nothing to be ashamed of
and nothing I did and nothing I need to carry responsibility for 

I think I will keep wearing my pride 
and wearing my mouth guard until this world is turned right side up again.
the future is female