Saturday, July 04, 2015

Side Swiped

So it appears to be baby shower least that is what it feels like.
When I got word of the first one, 
I put on my big girl pants, superhero cape and lasso of power 
and quickly said: 
" I can't go"
It felt powerful and right!
I was quite proud of myself.
What was ever cooler was that my SIL 
(who was throwing the party for her sister)
looked at me and said, OK 
and left it at that.
I was super happy that there was no drama
I made time one day and made the baby shower gifts, 
and packed them up way ahead of the event and laid that to rest.

The second shower invite is coming soon, 
I am not going to that one either.
The baby gifts are made and packed away too.

I have told The Barren so that he is well aware that I will be somewhere else,
doing something else.
Hopefully the mother to be will be distracted by her dozens of guests and not 
fixate on me not attending
(like I am that important)

The two mothers to be are very different, 
one got pregnant quickly and with no assistance
the other one, My SIL's sister, spent years trying and 
eventually got pregnant and was on bed rest the whole pregnancy.
When my SIL told me she was pregnant I was so happy fro her, when she said her sister was suffering from morning sickness I said that is great...I was happy for her, she was finally pregnant!

Her shower was to be tomorrow, she was driving my SIL crazy with her vision
of how everything should be. 

(on a side-note, I spoke with my mother and said that I TOTALLY understood this side of the coin. She has sacrificed her body, her finances, her relationship... everything to become a mother
...and now that she is one, she wants everything to be as she imagined it to be. It is her vision of the dream...she is wanting to be the pretty princess from the fairy tale, the happily ever after)

BUT... her water broke today and she is currently in labor.
Shower canceled.

I am finding that thinking about her becoming a mother has side swiped me with a lot of emotions
I thought I was past...or OK with but,
I was crying earlier...hearing in my head
That was suppose to be you
You will never be that woman in labor
you failed

I know that these are The Barreness creeping in with her spells and intoxicating words
I know that some of those things might be true,
I did not fail
The idea of this woman becoming a mother is bittersweet.
In my sorrow I texted her other sister, 
who is also infertile from secondary infertility
Just telling her that I was thinking of her, 
as I am sure today is a mixed bag of emotions for her as well
She thanked me for understanding the pain and emotion of the day.

The other mother to be is a rockstar, still doing crossfit at 7+month pregnant
feeling great and happy and dealing with everything like well, it is no big deal
She makes it look so easy
aside from her mentioning in conversations that well " because I am pregnant..."
I can even hang out with her and not want to punch myself in the face.
but it might be harder

I know it will pass
and that a good sweat in class will clear this all out of my pores,
but today, today I just want to be 
free enough to feel my independence from these feelings again


Mali said...

What a combination of emotions to have to live through! I hope a good hard work-out helped clear your head a little. These feelings will pass - but yes, you feel side-swiped when they come at you unexpectedly. Thinking of you.

Amel said...

Ahhhhh...(((HUGS))) It's not an easy period to go through when you're side-swiped unexpectedly like this. You're awesome, though, because you took time and effort to send that text to the other sister. Hope today is a better day for you...if not, stay kind to yourself.