Monday, February 16, 2015

Wild Heart

a kind of free thought post...

So The Barren is working elsewhere this week and I am home and left to my own devices.
I mention this because it accentuates the amount of time I spend alone.
My artwork naturally requires I work alone and often for hours on end...
I find myself talking to the cats and myself and then when I need to run an errand, 
I am HYPER social, 
to the point of me hearing my own voice and thinking:
 Who is that lady? She sounds like a cheerleader, all excited about a head a lettuce...

So I am almost always eager to stop working when The Barren arrives home and socialize with someone I adore and can answer me back .

This last weekend two of my girlfriends hubby's were out of town on a "boys weekend" and when The Barren heard this he said I am taking you all out.
At first, I was a little jealous, I mean he is mine! but then I thought about how they might feel that same kind of alone I feel during the week so I agreed.
It was a nice no pressure kind of night, the ladies were totally touched 
and we had a few drinks and some food.

When we went to pick up the first one, 
she said she was ravenous and then looked at me and said:
" I'm pregnant"
I was struck by how ballsy she said it, but then she expressed how she was kind of scared to tell me
and decided that she should just do it like a band-aid, and blurt it out.
The Barren was in a nearby room within earshot and said..."did I hear that right?"
I thanked her for telling us and that she did perfect.
The rest of the night had baby tentacles in the conversations of
 " my baby, and my body and when the baby comes"

She is 10.5 weeks and was bursting to tell she told her closest.
I was touched and only lost myself in thought once...
when The Barren said: what was the name we had?
I shot him a look and he instantly realized he had walked on sacred ground.
I guess there will always be things I will not give up.

The rest of the night every time she mentioned baby things, I was thinking, thank goodness 
I am looking forward to watching them be will be awesome!
We quietly checked in with each other all night: you alright? need a break?

While sitting at a pre-party to our group date out, 
she mentioned that she blurted out her pregnancy to other female friends that are trying, and they were supportive...but I thought about them and their struggles up to now to become parents.
it was a wild heart kind of valentines.
Twists and turns and loop d loops
After we dropped off the ladies at a modest 9pm, we went home and got into PJ's and snuggled down.
I fell asleep first...very romantic.

 This week I am going to business meetings, practice and ideally get some office work too.
It is quiet now and leads my overwhelmed mind on divergent trails of thought...but I want to have a productive week, and not feel as though I am simply passing days until The Barren arrives home.

I spent a lot of time alone in my 20's traveling, and on one trip far far from home, when The Barren and I were dating, I sat down in this beautiful place, alone with a journal/sketchbook and thought
"it would be really nice to turn to someone and say isn't that beautiful?!"
I think that is when I knew I was ready to be with The Barren, 
because I wanted that someone to be him.

The amazing card I got on hearts day said the same to me.
My heart is full with love for that amazing man.


Mali said...

The Barren sounds wonderful.

And congratulations on coping with that news, and looking forward to them having children. It's tough on all of us - on the pregnant people who want to be happy and excited, and on the infertile friends, or those who are trying, who so often have to be outwardly supportive even if inwardly they are crying. I'm glad that there comes a time when being outwardly supportive matches the inward feelings too.

nicole said...

It sounds like you handled all the baby news/baby talk very well :)

You and the Barren are so wonderful together :) You all seem to have such a gentle, deeply caring relationship that I think is very special. I'm so glad you found each other and that you've built a lovely life together.