OK, so this is the shade I finally decided on.
I wore it the night of the opening and felt confident, and sure of myself.
I was comfortable in my own skin and was able to speak about my work easily and freely.
I recommend this experiment to anyone who is shaky in their shoes.
I got my lipstick for .99 cents at the local drug store...low investment, high yield.
Beside my feet being beyond tired and sore the following day I was projected into a numb space.
I think I had put out soooo much the weeks prior, that after the spotlight turned off I went numb. I turned off the smile and drove home. We ordered Indian take-out and I sat on the couch and watched The secret life of Walter Mitty....it made me cry remembering how much I loved film photography.
This coupled with the amazing documentary I saw about Dorothea Lange not long ago;
I was reminded of my roots and original goals for my life.
I am having what The Barren refers to as an existential crisis; I am feeling at a life crossroads.
Being an artist with a second job has me constantly juggling my mind from off ,to on, to off , to pause.
I met with a couple fellow artists yesterday, we are collaborating as a group to try and secure a location to manifest our personal visions and goals for our careers.
It has hit quite a road-bump, but when meeting yesterday, we asked of each other what is the "big dream"
What is the image we can hold on to?!
I went quiet in my mind.
I had lost sight of my long term goal...hence my existential crisis.
I have been working on making but forgetting what for...I got short sighted.
My response was to say that I would like to only have one job...
(the reality is still quite hard to swallow, but I want to put it out there)
A little voice in my head said, you don't deserve this....that is why you can't see it.
After our meeting, I drove home in silence, and then my brain got so loud and overwhelmed with thoughts that I collapsed and took a nap for 20 minutes.
On waking up I was shaking, I needed to find my goal again,
I needed to remember what I was working for or towards.
I needed to know why I was hearing a voice tell me that I didn't deserve success?!
What allowed that voice to enter me, sabotage me and make me question all that I am?
I was at a loss and wasn't sure when that naysayer became part of my internal conversation.
Like many things in my life, when I get scared I say what is scaring me out loud.
I learned this when I was preparing for surgery.
I call it out. I say it out loud....
If I say it enough it becomes mine again.
I deserve success,
I make art that is loved by people other than my family and friends.
I am good enough for this
I am declaring it like I did with the lipstick.
Fear ME little voice, I will silence you!