Monday, October 20, 2014

Boo- this is your self doubt knocking!

Are These The 43 Funniest GIFs Of All Time?
I can not tell you how much I love this little GIF.
I don't care if it is real or makes me laugh.
This is my favorite time of year, but I fear the drought will last though the year still....making the fall far from cold and rainy and windy...but instead keep us on our toes for fires and water restrictions.
I have become the water police in our neighborhood, calling landscape companies and hotlines to report water being is scary I have become that woman.
I should wear my pointed hat on the next
This time of year offers a cocoon of sorts in my mind...the last of this years submissions are by weeks end and I am relishing in the fact that I can kind of rest my mind, cocoon maybe sew something or bake something or simply step away from the ledge or anxiety and fear and self doubt.

I have been on the verge of tears recently.
I feel quite raw, and fragile.
My mantras have been helping, and I can recognize when that self doubt is talking under an action.
I asked my brother today if he feel confident, in new situation or situation in general and he said no.
I didn't question further but I find it interesting as I only see him as self confident and ballsy.
Ironically, I visited with an artist friend who is very successful and she and a couple other friends were voicing their own self doubt as of late, I find their thoughts interesting...and comforting.

Artist friend #1:
As far as my attitude about my work…here goes…I seriously feel it is never good enough, pretty sure at the end of most days it is total crap and I wake up mostly in fear daily that I will never be able to have a good idea or at least not be able to paint one if I managed to have one. I recently found photos of a large painting that was going splendidly until I was totally unable to finish it as I wanted to…so, it turned into something completely different. Now, I am going to try that same idea again and demand better results from myself. 
"Paint what you love, paint a lot and find a good gallery…someone who shares your passion and respects what you do." That is my mantra.

Artist friend #2 forwarded this article " universal artist experience"
stating she was toggling between bargaining and depression:
Here’s an idea of what these stages mean to me:
Denial: This is not bad…not the painting I had in my head when I started…but maybe this will work…
Anger: Why isn’t this working? Why can’t I find that color? Why can’t I draw a horse?
Bargaining: OK, if you (the Art God?) just let me get this one painting done in time for the show, I promise I’ll clean up my studio and give up popcorn…and maybe ice cream.
Depression: This is never going to work. What made me think I could paint?
Acceptance: Well, this is not bad. This is going to work for now and the next one will be even better. I hope. I just have to keep working at it and I will get as close as I can before I die.
So I take comfort in knowing that we are all mad and sometimes crippled with self-doubt.
Comfort in numbers I guess.

Wednesday, October 08, 2014

Red is the color of power

OK, so this is the shade I finally decided on.
I wore it the night of the opening and felt confident, and sure of myself.
I was comfortable in my own skin and was able to speak about my work easily and freely.

I recommend this experiment to anyone who is shaky in their shoes.
I got my lipstick for .99 cents at the local drug store...low investment, high yield.

Beside my feet being beyond tired and sore the following day I was projected into a numb space.
I think I had put out soooo much the weeks prior, that after the spotlight turned off I went numb. I turned off the smile and drove home. We ordered Indian take-out and I sat on the couch and watched The secret life of Walter made me cry remembering how much I loved film photography.
This coupled with the amazing documentary I saw about Dorothea Lange not long ago; 
I was reminded of my roots and original goals for my life.

I am having what The Barren refers to as an existential crisis; I am feeling at a life crossroads.
Being an artist with a second job has me constantly juggling my mind from off ,to on, to off , to pause.

I met with a couple fellow artists yesterday, we are collaborating as a group to try and secure a location to manifest our personal visions and goals for our careers.
It has hit quite a road-bump, but when meeting yesterday, we asked of each other what is the "big dream"
What is the image we can hold on to?!
I went quiet in my mind.
I had lost sight of my long term goal...hence my existential crisis.
I have been working on making but forgetting what for...I got short sighted.
My response was to say that I would like to only have one job...
(the reality is still quite hard to swallow, but I want to put it out there)
A little voice in my head said, you don't deserve this....that is why you can't see it.

After our meeting, I drove home in silence, and then my brain got so loud and overwhelmed with thoughts that I collapsed and took a nap for 20 minutes.
On waking up I was shaking, I needed to find my goal again, 
I needed to remember what I was working for or towards.
I needed to know why I was hearing a voice tell me that I didn't deserve success?!
What allowed that voice to enter me, sabotage me and make me question all that I am?
I was at a loss and wasn't sure when that naysayer became part of my internal conversation.

Like many things in my life, when I get scared I say what is scaring me out loud. 
I learned this when I was preparing for surgery. 
Buddhists laugh in face of fear, as it reduces the power of the fear.
I call it out. I say it out loud....
If I say it enough it becomes mine again.
I deserve success, 
I make art that is loved by people other than my family and friends.
I am good enough for this

I am declaring it like I did with the lipstick.
Fear ME little voice, I will silence you!