Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Finding my way

I don't know exactly when it happened or how...but something has shifted in a new and better way.
Do you ever have those moments when you realize that after much effort and not much thought about how long you have been at shifts.
I have recently realized this;  my eyes are clearing, my heart is sadness is abating.
I don't know what I did, so I am hesitate to turn too quickly or jump up and down for joy.
I have been tested too, there is no doubt about that.
We had our 10 year old niece this last weekend and had fun for the most part, but there was a lot of negotiating. Like getting into the shower after the pool (first world problem I know), or begging her to finally go to sleep in the dark at midnight (after I had been up since 4:30am for yoga that same day), and then the final physically lifting her into the car to go home
and her crying over half way back.
I mostly thought, fuck, I am too old for this shit....
As she whimpered from the back seat folded over her pillow, I used phrases like:
" I hear what you are saying, I know you are disappointed, but we made a promise to be home at a certain time and we have to stick by it"
"I am sorry you are so frustrated, I understand you and know how you feel"
" It is breaking my heart that this is how our fun time is ending"
I then tried to regain normalcy, I knew she wouldn't talk to me, but she was listening, so I sang along with this song...and told her how it was my favorite one right now: 
as she heard my voice join the music she picked her head off the pillow,
and looked at me in a new way. I kept singing over and over
I love you
   I love you....
By the time we got home she was talking to me again, telling me how she was watching youtube videos about how to make "cat eyes" and I told her I would try to do them and
then send her a picture of my trials.
I have a 10year old niece, who I struggled to understand and keep up with all weekend long. The Barren and I both crumbled to dust when her crocodile tears appeared and we both realized that we are not at a point in our lives anymore where we could parent and play....
we can only do one or the other.
Is that wrong to admit ?
This was followed by me making a belly cast of my SIL who is due in just a couple weeks.
This whole pregnancy I have not asked to feel her tummy, I don't feel a need to anymore.
It is beautiful and she is careful to not complain about her pregnancy around me....I think that is really kind. As I was building the layers of plaster around, further and further away from her skin, I found that I started to admire the form, the round fullness and wondered why not mine...
it lasted for only a moment and then washed away, I felt light again...
I think I am really making a new neuro-pathway.
It is a delicate structure still, I understand that, but I am actually building it
and it feels quite empowering.
When I returned from the emotional roller coaster, The Barren and I went out for a glass of wine and cheese. We just dropped everything and did we were slowly getting loopy we flirted with the idea of a late movie or a night time wander...for us the whole night was still ahead


Jen said...

No matter where you are in accepting being infertile there will always be times that it just hits you (sometimes harder than others), but you can also "relish" being an infertile too. It is a delicate balance and I am happy to hear you are finding your way.

Team Harries said...

Happy to read this!

Wolfers said...

Jen said it better than I could say.... take it easy- the path has its own curves and there's no rush walking on the path.